Date: Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:01:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To  Be A Missionary Chapter 31 Adult/youth

(Author's notes: The usual legal notices here. Emails with comments are
always encouraged.)


Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 31



>From Jim's perspective:



Interesting day I am thinking, sitting here on Interstate 10 on my way
home. Must be an accident up by I45.

What will Rick think?

What do I think?

Wish traffic would start moving.

Hmmm.

Did Joel and Terry just not tell me?

Why?

Why not tell me?

Do I tell them that I know more?

Do I tell Jared there are others?

Do I tell Joel and Terry about Jared?

Traffic is starting to move.

Do I tell Rick? I tell Rick just about everything.

I have to tell Rick.

And what about Adam and Aaron? They know too, don't they?

Yeah, an accident, a semi overturned. All traffic merging to one lane.

Oh, God? What have I got into here?

It may change everything that we know and believe.

But what is the connection between all the guys?

Jared doesn't know any of the others. I don't suspect he does. And Jared, I
suspect never even thought about his sexuality, being the proper Mormon
youth. Growing up doing as he is taught.

Don't think about sex and it won't be a problem.

I make a living out of counseling what the church does to conflict young
men who fight the internal struggle of human sexuality. I believe that what
I do is important. It's necessary. I try and help young men live their
life's path with dignity and strength and faith.

Faith.

The struggle of faith...

Faith and truth...

The understanding of truth...

The doubting of truth...

The mystery of man's struggle with nature and belief in God...

What about what I believe?

What I have heard today, from Jared...


Do I believe? Do Joel, Terry, Adam and Aaron believe?

And if it is true...

If...

It changes everything.



>From Jamie's perspective:



"You're going with me." Steve said to me.

"Why, this is about your family."

"You are a part of my family. My family needs to see you and that you are a
part of me."

"My presence will only aggravate your situation with your father."

Steve took me by the arms.

"You have been in my life most of my life. It's not about me, alone...it is
about us together."

"So you want me to hold your hand as the Home Teachers help negotiate a
truce with your family?"

Steve looked at Jamie with his now famous sad eyes.

"No. I just want you around to console me when it crashes down on me."

"Yeah, well...I can do that, I guess."

"Good."

Steve reached his arm around me. Placing his lips upon mine. Brought us
into a very seductive kiss. I love when he kisses me.

"We had better get going."

"I know." Steve said grabbing me through my pants.

"I want that later tonight."

"I want yours too."

We headed out of the bedroom and found Rick in the kitchen.

"Hey Rick," I said. "We are heading to Steve's parents house for the
meeting. Wish us luck."

Rick turned around and embraced Steve.

"Steve, I love you to death...just don't screw this up." Rick said.

"I won't"

Rick kissed Steve and the cheek and we left.


>From Jim's perspective:


Finally I got past the accident and drove on home. I arrived and entered
through the front door.

"Hey, everybody, I'm home."

"In the kitchen, Jim." Rick yelled out.

I walked into the kitchen and there was Rick, standing at the sink, wearing
only his apron and nothing else. His butt was sticking out as he leaned
over the sink.

"See anything you want?"

"The boys aren't home?"

"Nope and won't be for hours."

I glanced at the kitchen table and saw butter, whipped cream, cooking oil
and corn flakes...hmmm.

"I see want I want right there." I said as I reached for whipped cream.

"Oh yeah. Me?"

"Oh yeah." I said as I unzipped my fly and took myself out. I turned the
can of whipped cream down and pushed the nozzle to fill my hand with the
cold cream. I took my hand and slid between Rick's cheeks and found his
hole.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHH...that's cold."

"Yeah, I know." I said as I lubed his hole with whipped cream. I slipped my
finger inside him. Rick started to moan.

"You like that huh?"

"Oh yeah."

I had two fingers inside than three. I turned and grabbed the cooking oil
and lubed myself up while my other hand was stroking Rick's hole. I moved
up into position and slipped myself inside.

"Wow! Nice." Rick said.

I gave him stroke after stroke as I plunged myself deep into him all the
way. I felt around to the front of him and grabbed him. I still had cooking
oil on my hand and began to stroke him. I was into a rhythm as I lost
myself inside him. I felt him pushing himself back onto me. I knew I
wouldn't last long as I felt the urgency in my loins begin to build.

"Here it comes lover." I said.

I exploded inside Rick, mixing my fluid with the whipped cream and cooking
oil. I heard Rick give out a loud groan as he hit his peak and flooded the
sink with his.

I wrapped my arms around him. I was still hard and inside him. Feeling the
intimacy with him was always awesome. I nuzzled his ear.

"I love you so much." I said to him.

"I love you too, Jim."

Rick turned around, threw off his apron and took me in his arms. The
embrace was electrifying. His lips came up to mine and we kissed, long and
deep. I felt his hand grab both of us and he started to stroke us with all
the liquids dripping off of us. He never missed a beat as he stroked and
kissed until we erupted onto each other.

Spent and sticky we headed to the shower.

I washed Rick and he washed me.

"How did you like the whipped cream?" Rick asked.  "I did, did you?"

"Oh yeah. I liked the cooking oil, too."

"Yeah, it was nice. But I have to ask what the corn flakes were doing on
the table?"

Rick started to chuckle.

"I forgot to put those away this morning."

"I wondered what you had in mind with the corn flakes."

"I am not turning kinky on you."

We laughed. I put my arms around him.

"You know, you are one of the most important things that has happened to me
in my life."

"I know, you for me as well."

I just held him in my arms under the water. I never want us to
end. Never. I love this man so much.



>From Jamie's perspective:



"Okay, we're here. Now what?" I asked.

"Well," Steve said, "The home teachers are suppose to talk to everyone
first, before I go in. Hopefully this will work."

"I hope so."

"You are going in with me."

"No."

"Why?"

"It will distract from what you are trying to do. I think your Dad blames
me for you being gay anyway."

"He may, but it isn't your fault."

"I know it isn't."

"I accept responsibility for falling in love with you and taking your
virginity."

"I accept my responsibility for falling in love with you and taking your
virginity FIRST."

We laughed and I reached for his hand. Steve looked up into my eyes.

"I am glad you are here with me. Would you at least come to the door so
that you can hear what goes on?"

I thought for a minute.

"Yeah, I guess I can."

A car pulled up in front of Steve's home.

"They're here. Keep your fingers crossed."

"Why not a prayer?"

"Okay."

Steve said a prayer asking for peace in his family and understanding from
his parents. When he was finished, we sat there silently, waiting for the
signal. It came. We both got out of the car and walked the short distance
to the sidewalk leading up to the house. I remained at the screen door as
Steve entered the house.



>From Steve's perspective:



I left Jamie at the front door, no one could see him, but he could hear
through the screen door. The living room was quiet. The home teachers were
seated on chairs and the kids were sitting on the floor. As soon as they
saw me, they all jumped up and hugged me. I missed them all so much.


"All right," my Dad said, "Say what you have to and go."

My siblings all turned and glared at our father. Obviously his demeanor had
not changed towards me.

"Hi Dad, Hi Mom." I said.

Dad just stared at me. Mom had tears in her eyes. The rest of my family sat
down.

"Thank you for letting me in to talk to all of you. I have missed you so
much."

"You made your choice." My father said. I ignored the remark.

"I love all of you and this is really hurting me knowing that everyone is
fighting with each other. This isn't right. Though I understand why you
guys are fighting with Mom and Dad, I don't approve of it. I never wanted
the family to be in turmoil over me. This isn't good for any of you and it
isn't good for me. This is Dad's home. He made the choice to remove me from
his home. That is his right to do. I was ready to move out. I wasn't ready
to lose my family in the process."

My siblings still looked determined not to give in. I turned to my father.

"I respect your home and your wishes, but I ask that you not ask me to stay
away from my family. I want to see them, here, at school and at church."

My father stood, his face was red.

"Church? Church? How dare you disrespect the church my entering its
buildings. You should be excommunicated."

One of the home teachers rose and spoke to my father.

"Actually, he can't be excommunicated. He can be suspended. Since he hasn't
been to the temple, excommunication isn't proper procedure."

My father was not happy with that. He came up to me, toe to toe.

"I have searched my soul trying to understand what happened to you. Why you
changed. Why you became a homosexual. Why you have disrupted this family
with your perversions and misguided thinking that the church can be
wrong. I can accept the fact that I can be wrong about 'some' things, but I
am not about this. It is plainly clear from the church, that homosexuality
is a 'behavior' condition and not a God given condition of nature. You are
a pervert and you conduct with that 'boy' is filthy and vile and you will
find that you will not find passage through the veil, but sent to hell
where all you perverts need to go."



>From Jamie's perspective:



I couldn't believe what I heard. He just condemned his son to damnation. I
took hold of the screen door and entered the room. All eyes were on Steve
and his father.

"How dare you call yourself a Christian man?" I said losing it and yelling
at Steve's father.

"Don't Jamie." Steve pleaded with me.

"I can't stand by and watch this man utter such dribble about you. You are
a special human being who loves and cares about your family. You, Steve,
are more of a Christian than your father is."

Steve looked stunned. I turned toe to toe with his father.

"I may not be a part of this family, but Steve IS a part of mine. I have
held him as he as cried about being thrown out of here. I held him as he
cried after the two of you had your talk and banishing him from his
family. I held him as he cried, miserable about missing you, his mother and
his brothers and sister. I have prayed with him. I know what is in his
heart. I have always known, just like you should know. Steve is honorable,
Steve is loving, Steve is caring and most of all, Steve is humble to his
Heavenly Father. It isn't Steve tearing this family up...IT IS YOU, SIR. My
father has always said that 'family' should come first, than the
church. He's right. You should learn that lesson. Do you think you are
getting any blessings for your conduct here? Have you thought about who
will be waiting for you on the other side of the veil and ask you 'why' you
failed your son and your family? Have you thought what Jesus would have
done? You think and pray about that one, if you are man enough."

I turned and left the through the front door without looking at anyone. I
ran to the car and got in. I was shaking I was so mad. I can't believe I
just did that.



>From Steve's perspective:



I watched as Jamie left the house. I was stunned. I had never seen him go
off on anyone before. I was moved, stunned and proud...all at
once. Everyone I knew was in shock. My mother was wiping tears from her
eyes. My twin brothers had this shit eating grins on their faces.

My father's face had turned white. He just stood there. Finally, he sat
down. Looking at the floor.  In a very soft voice, my father spoke.

"I think you should go now, Steven."

"NO!" My siblings yelled at once.

I turned to them.

"Our father has asked me to leave. It is his house and I will honor his
wishes. I love you guys."

They all grabbed me again. Not wanting to let me go. They all told me that
they loved me. I turned to leave. As I went through the door, a hand
grabbed my arm. It was my mother. She closed the door and embraced me on
the porch.

"Give him some more time." She said.

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

She released me and went back inside the house.



>From Jamie's perspective:



I saw Steve come out of the house followed by his mother. They hugged each
other. Good sign. Than she went inside and Steve just stood there for a
moment. I know I am in big trouble so when I saw him heading my way I said
a prayer for my absolution with Steve.

I gripped the steering wheeling as Steve got into the passenger side of the
car.

"Let's go." He said in a quiet tone.

I started the car and headed home. We rode in silence. This is killing
me. He isn't saying anything.

I pulled the car into the driveway and turned off the ignition. I didn't
move and neither did Steve.


After a couple of minutes, Steve turned towards me.

"I am so sor..."

"I have never been as proud of you as I am now."

"Huh?"

"I am so glad I made you go with me."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. It was perfect. I love you so much."

I felt...RELIEF.

Steve took me in his arms.

"Thank you." He said.



>From Joel's perspective:



Darkness had filled the sky and my dreading for this time had come.

"It's getting to that time, Joel."

"I know, Terry."

Terry took me by the hand and we went out into the back yard. The rocks had
already been placed in a circle. I had carried the blanket out with us and
I spread it across the grass next to the circle of rocks. Twigs and broken
branches were piled inside the circle. Terry sat down on the blanket. He
handed me some newspaper to shove within the twigs and branches. After I
completed my task, Terry handed me the lighter. All I could do was stare at
the lighter.

"Joel."

I felt tears running down my face.

"Joel, it's okay. It's okay to cry."

"I've been crying too much lately."

"No, don't feel that way. I don't think less of you because you cry at
times. You are expressing an emotion. It's better to cry than to hold it
in."

I closed my eyes and just let the tears flow.

I knew what this was going to mean to me. I was going to let go of Brian
completely. I knew I had to. I opened my eyes and flicked the lighter and
lit the papers. The fire ignited and the crackling noise of wood burning
filled the air. The smoke began to rise above the circle. I felt Terry move
towards me and I felt his arms around me.

I turned and laid my head on his shoulder and I cried my heart out. Terry
just held me.

"I loved him." I said.

"I know." Terry said. "I know you still do. Burning his note is not going
to stop what you feel for him, but he would want you to do it to help
yourself move on."

We sat there watching the fire together.

I felt Terry kiss the back of my head. "Joel, it's time."

I know I have to do this to go on. I reached into my pocket and pulled out
both notes. I took my suicide note into my left hand and Brian's suicide
note to me in my right.

I turned towards the fire.

I held up Brian's note.

I looked into the fire as if Brian was there.

"Brian, I need to let you go. I love you, I always will. You gave me love
when I had never felt it before. Now, I have love again."

My hand came down and I slipped the note into the fire. The note was
engulfed into flames. It curled into a ball and dissolved into ashes. His
words to me were now gone. I lifted my note and slipped into the fire. It
too disappeared into the yellow abyss. I feel back into Terry's arms and he
embraced me with so much tenderness.

I still felt tears running down my face as we watched the fire burn. I
don't recall time at this point as this moment in my life I knew I would
never forget. I felt Terry's embrace as I tried to let go. But I knew in my
heart that I might never let go of Brian.

I felt Terry's lips at my ears.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Promise me you will never shut me out when you feel like this. I know
Brian is in your heart and that is apart of you and I accept that about
you. Promise me that when you feel down because of Brian, you will share it
with me."

I placed my hands upon his.

"I promise."



>From Terry's perspective:



I rocked him for a while. I can only imagine how hard it was to burn those
notes. I could feel him quietly crying. I reached around and felt the tears
on his face.

Finally I said, "What are you thinking about?"

Joel snuggled back into me.

"I was thinking about the morning I was baptized into the Mormon Church
when I was 8 years old. My father woke me up for my special day. He gave me
a little speech about how lucky we were to be Mormons and being apart of
this religious community. He said that were like 'chosen' to follow
Heavenly Father's plan in the Latter Days of mankind. That each one of us
has a plan, given to us by Heavenly Father that basically provides a life
long service to his church. That from this day forward, I would follow all
the teachings and lessons given to me. I would be responsible and
accountable for my devotion and faith and the things that I do with my
life. That my life was indispensable, blessed and valuable to mankind as
someday, I too, would teach others about the church.  The plan of my life,
as it is for so many, was to go on a mission, get married, have kids and
support the church with 10 percent of my income and send my sons on
missions. Doing all that was required would give me all the blessings in my
life I would ever need."

I felt him tense up a little.

"The plan did not say 'be gay' and fall in love with other guys, nor leave
the church. The last 13 years demanded so much to be a certain way and I
just couldn't do it. And now, here I am, starting a new life, without the
church, without my father, in the arms of the guy I love."

I listened for his breathing...waiting for him to exhale. He did.

"I feel like the weight of the world has left me. I am so relieved it's
over."

Something told me it wasn't entirely over.



>From Joel's perspective:



"I know, Joel." Terry said. "I know how it was, not living up to what a
father wants from his son."

"It was different for you."

"In some ways."

"I guess you're right. We have led such different lives with the same
outcome."

"Joel?"

"Yes."

"The outcome was 'you and I' wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"I always believed growing up there was a reason for everything. There is a
reason there is a 'you and I' and I feel that Gary's dream brought us
together. When Gary was holding our hands I felt an awesome energy from
him. But when you let go of his hand to hug Brian, the energy stopped and I
felt lost at that moment. I sensed than that the energy I was feeling was
from you and Gary was the conduit. When you sat down again and Gary took
your hand back, the awesome energy was back."

I felt Terry squeeze me tightly.

"I feel it now, every time I hold you."

"I know. I felt the same thing when you stood up to embrace your
brother. The connection broke and than reconnected. It seemed so strange.

"Joel, as silly and cliché as it sounds, I feel that we are suppose to be
together, here and now. The connection between us is strong and
awesome. Gary and Brian did this for us."

"I know."

I think things went so fast for us because we have that bond or connection
between us. Something special. Was it the dream? Probably. I also realized
that there was one more thing I have to do to finally have complete closure
with Brian.

"It's not enough is it Joel?"

"I think I have one more thing to do."

"I know."

"How do you know?"

"You have to take me with you."

"Take you?"

"When you go to Brian's gravesite and when you meet his parents."

"How did you know?"

"I know your heart. It won't heal completely until you do."

"I know. It may never heal from Brian."

"I know, Joel."

"I remember what Brian told you in the dream. I feel that I was a part of
it so that you do go on with your life. Maybe I am here with you now, to
move you along because of Brian."

Terry constantly amazes me with his insight.

"I want you to make love to me Joel, but when the time is right. When you
are at peace with Brian and your family, than I want to experience you
inside of me."

"I want that too, and you are right. I need to finish what Brian started
for me and when I have I can give myself completely to you. But until then,
we can still enjoy what we are doing."

"I know." I then felt Terry's hand move down my body and was feeling me.

The fire continued to burn down and only ambers glowed in the darkness. I
looked up at the stars and hoped Brian would finally get his wings, or his
way of going on with his spiritual life. I closed my eyes and said a quiet
prayer for Brian and for me and Terry.

"Terry."

"Yes."

"I am not going to keep anything from you. I want to be an open book to
you. I feel that I can only do that if I talk to you about what happened in
the latter end of the dream."

"Okay."

"Adam and Aaron want us to discuss what happen."

"Why is Adam and Aaron interested?"

"Well, there were there too and it is a little complicated."

"How?"

"You want to understand what you saw and heard. For you to do that, you
need to understand. Adam and Aaron want to help us both with this."

"What do I need to understand?"

"Being Mormon."

"Okay and how do I do that?"

"I have to teach you the lessons that we teach investigators."

"I'm an investigator?"

"In a way you will be. I will be teaching you the lessons to prepare you
for baptism. But you won't be baptized actually unless you want to be."

Terry was quiet for a while, I guess thinking about what I had to say.

"If it helps me to understand what I witnessed in that dream, than
fine. Teach me. I trust you."

"I know you do. I won't do anything for you not to."

"How would I be baptized if I choose to be?"

"Complete submersion in water."

"Oh really. I can swim."

"That's good smart ass."

We both laughed. We needed to.

"I can't remember the last time I felt so peaceful, Joel."

"Me, too."

I closed my eyes, feeling secure in Terry's arms.



>From Jim's perspective:



Rick and I ended up in bed naked after the shower, just holding each
other. With the boys around, quiet moments like this have been drastically
reduced. My thoughts went back to Jared. I have to tell Rick what I was
told, but without violating patient/doctor confidentiality.

"What's wrong?" Rick asked.

"Nothing."

"I know better. Something is on your mind."

"I can't keep anything from you can I?"

"Nope."

So I told him what I found out about the dream. We Discussed the
complexities of the situation and how Joel, Terry, Aaron and Adam must all
know about it.

We heard the boys come in and we got up and got dressed. Before we opened
the door, Rick turned to me and said, "I am just blown away about the arch
Angel Gabriel in the dream."


The end of Chapter 31