Date: Mon, 15 Aug 2005 12:39:39 -0700 (PDT) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 33 adult/youth (Author's notes: The usual copyright claimers here. I own the story. Please do not post without my permission. I am interested in the thoughts of my readers if a yahoo group about BTAM would be of interest to any of you. I have received over 70 emails from readers over the last 18 months who shared some incredible thoughts with me and I was thinking that it would be great if my readers shared their thoughts with their fellow readers.) >From Jim's perspective: I held the door shut for a moment before we headed out to face the boys. "Well Rick, the revelation of Gabriel just seemed to complicate the whole issue of the dream, at least for me. I wonder why no one else mentioned the Angel to me in their recollections of the dream." "They could be afraid. Seeing an Angel, no matter which one it was, can be a bit intimidating. This patient didn't give you the complete details of the dream, nor the conversation he had with Gabriel?" "No, he didn't. He was scared." "You just have to be patient yourself. It will all come out. And I know you, you will find out." I smiled at him and leaned in for a kiss, as I felt his lips against mine, I felt his arms around me. We broke apart and went out into the living room where Jamie and Steve were. "It was awesome." Steve said to Rick. "What happened?" Rick asked. I looked over at Jamie, sitting in my chair just looking a bit bewildered. "Well, I went and talked to family and my Dad tore into me again, this time with my brothers and sister sitting there. He damned Jamie and me to hell, than Jamie came in and tore into him. It was incredible." I went over and sat down next to Jamie. He looked up at me somewhat sheepishly. "What did you say, Jamie?" I asked. Between Jamie and Steve, we got the full 'word for word' compilation of the story. I brushed Jamie's hair back off his forehead. "So why do you feel so apprehensive about what you said and did?" I asked. Jamie looked up at me with wide eyes and said, "Dad, I never yelled at any one before. I lost it. I didn't know what I was doing. It was like I was someone else." Rick bent down and kissed the top of Jamie's head and grabbed Steve and took him into the kitchen. "Jamie, you spoke from your heart. Do you think that no one saw or felt that?" "I don't know, Dad." "You reacted because Steve's father was verbally attacking him, you responded because he was attacking someone you love and care about. You told him more truth about Steve and more truth about him that he has heard in a long time, if at all." "Why me, Dad?" Jamie asked, "Why was I the one to do that?" "Sometimes, it just happens. Emotions can spark an outburst of feelings that overwhelm even our selves. It's not a matter of choice, it is a situation that presents itself and without thinking, we react. Yes, we have to be guarded about our words or actions when such a situation occurs, but tossing caution to the wind, without thought, sometimes gets us into trouble or gets the resolution done that everyone else was afraid to do." "Did I help or make it worse?" "Well judging by Steve's reaction, I would say it helped. He saw a side of you that he hadn't seen before. Even you never saw it before. You showed Steve tonight how much you really do love and care about him." "I do you know?" "I know." >From Rick's perspective: "What are they talking about, Rick?" Steve asked me. "Well, I believe that Jamie isn't all that sure about what he did." "I am sure he did the right thing. It was incredible to watch him. I have never seen my boyfriend so riled up before." "Well, again, my perspective is that if you looked in the mirror you would see why he did it." Steve looked puzzled briefly. "Me?" "Yes, you, silly." I said. "I know he loves me." "Yes, he does. He has talked to me about you and your situation. It bothers him more than you know about what happened. He takes some of the blame for you two getting caught." "It's not his fault, it was mine. I accept my responsibility with that." "But, in his mind, his involvement with you has affected your entire family. If..." "No, too many 'ifs' can be all wrong." He said, "My sexual attraction and involvement with Jamie is all my responsibility. I am the one guilty of everything that happen to me and my family...and don't think, Rick, that I would ever, ever regret being with Jamie." "Have you told Jamie that?" "Yes. He didn't seem to hear me, Rick." "Well, Steve, as with most people, when you tell them something, they hear you, but the question is when they 'listen' to what you said." "I guess you're right." "Have you ever known me to be wrong?" Steve gave me his sweet smile and those dimples get to me. "Yeah, I have never found anything you have said to me wrong." "Good, now when Jamie is done talking to his Dad, I am sure he will feel better about what happened." "Yeah, but will I?" "I think you know the answer to that question already don't you?" >From Joel's perspective: With the fire slowing ebbing down to cinders, the night air cool, the smell of the burning paper and wood slipping away, I felt intensely close to Terry. His arms giving me a feeling of intimate security, warmth and caring. I wanted so much just to melt into him. This wasn't the same as when I was with Brian. My experience with Brian was close and loving, but it also was hidden and the sense of forbidden that overshadowed the true nature of who and what we were. I didn't fear nor feel any guilt with Brian when we were lovers. It was the moment in time that seemed to give me such a feeling of contentment that I hadn't ever known before. The harsh reality crashed upon me when he died, the revelations alerted me of what I was, what we were and where he had gone, left me abandon without hope and love. It seems to be a sense of wonderment as the path of events led me to here, with Terry. Without the dream, that dream, I wouldn't be here, feeling the love from Terry. I just wish there weren't any complications from that dream, but I know we are hiding what possible paramount truth of who and what we are as Mormons or Christians for that matter. Why couldn't the dream have ended when Gary died, than we could on with our lives, normally, without the complications created by an archangel who seems to show up in biblical history as a messenger from heaven and giving us the burden of knowledge that he passed on to us. He is a rather interesting angel, with a history of appearing to many with words and messages from God. I had never thought of him too much, but since I got home from the hospital I have been on the Internet to check him out. I turned myself around and brought my legs over his and scooted up to Terry, close. I placed my hands on his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. "What we saw when Gabriel appeared was incredible. The way he touched us, on our face and on our chests. I have read the scriptures and just accepted all the stories as fact to a point. There is a lot in the Bible we are expected to consume, understand and believe. With the appearance of Gabriel, who is written to have given messages to selected individuals in the Bible, and now us, I wonder if we are now burden with what we learned. If we choose to believe what we saw and heard in dream, than everything I believed in as a Mormon is not in question, or is it?" I looked into Terry's eyes. He was looking back at me with eyes of interest and a sense of being lost all in the same glance. "Why are you so worried about it?" Terry asked. I was taken aback with that question. Why am I so worried about it? I no longer belong to the church. Why is it so important to me to worry about what was true and what wasn't. "Did Gabriel scare you that much?" Terry asked. "I don't know anymore, Terry." "What did you feel when he touched you?" Terry asked. I thought back. It was sensations I will never forget. "When he touched me here on my upper lip, I felt such an overwhelming sense of knowledge. That all the truths were revealed to me, things I had known before and I knew EVERTHING. When he removed his finger, it was all gone. All that knowledge just plain gone and I cannot remember any of it." I felt frustrated over this. Terry was now looking at me with love and concern. I placed my right hand over Terry's chest, right on his heart. "When he touched my chest, right over my heart, I felt such warmth and love that I had never experienced before. I knew he was doing the same thing to you. When I touch you, here or anywhere I feel such a strong, warm connection." "That's love, Joel." I looked again into Terry's eyes, deeper, as far as I could see. "Was that Gabriel's love or yours?" I asked. Terry looked at me so sweetly. He placed his finger on the cleft of my upper lip, just like Gabriel did. "I believe it was both, Joel." >From Adam's perspective: "We just have to be patient. It will come together." I said to Aaron. "I guess you're right, not everyone is in place yet." "You make it sound so 'undercover operation' like that we're involved in." "I gotta find some fun in this." "Well, we still have to wait." "I know." There was a knock at the door. Aaron went and opened it. It was Tyler. "Hi, Tyler." I said as I came around my desk and shook his hand. "Hi Adam." "Hi Tyler," Aaron said. "Here take a seat." "Thanks, Aaron." "So what do you think?" "It's pretty neat. But it isn't what I expected?" "What?" I asked. "I figured your operations would be so much bigger?" Aaron and I both chuckled at that. "No, we do a lot of the office functions ourselves. We both know that a day will come when we will have to expand that. Hoping that you, Terry and Joel will be a part of that." "Are all your employees gay, Adam?" "No. Actually most of our staff here is straight, and we are out to them so there isn't a problem." "That's cool." I looked Tyler over. "How are you doing Tyler?" I asked. "I am doing okay, I guess. Still hard to go to sleep at night." "I can appreciate that, Tyler." Aaron said. "Tyler I want to offer you the position of Personal Assistant to me." I said. "Really?" "Yes. The salaried position is $35,000 to start. How does that sound?" "That sounds good." Tyler said. "Good. You and I have to travel tomorrow to Florida. Will that be a problem for you?" "No, I can go. I probably need to get away for a little bit." "Good. We have to go to Jacksonville to finalize the deal for the Riverfront location. We have to appear at a city council meeting. Apparently there are some detractors who don't want a non-friendly family business being apart of the 'revitalization of Jacksonville'." "Why is that?" Tyler asked. "Well, to start with we are not 'family oriented' since in our movie theaters we do not admit anyone under 17 period. Some community leaders object to our 'discrimination' of younger people. We do have a downtown church involved in denying our business ventures there since this is a 'gay' owned business. We shall see." "Sounds like it will be quite interesting." Tyler said. "Good, our flight leaves at 9:35 in the morning." "Okay." "Fine, so let's go to lunch and I can fill you in on more stuff and than come back here and you can fill out your employment forms." "Great." >From Jim's perspective: "Have a seat Jared. How did you sleep last night?" Jared sat down. "It was the same as usual, Doctor." "Have you thought about what we talked about?" I asked. Jared gripped the sides of the chair. Not fiercely, but I sensed was for some form of security. "It's all I have thought about." "About your sexuality?" "Yes, sir." I tried to read his eyes and look for any kind of expression on his face, but he was not giving me any clues to what he was thinking. "What have you thought about?" Jared finally looked up at me. His eyes seemed to pleading not to go there. "Jared, if you feel uncomfortable talking about it now, there will be a time when you will have to talk about it and until then, it will torture you." Jared eyes appeared pained. I was trying to force him to cross the line and he was so afraid. "I know you are afraid." Jared nodded his head. "You are afraid of finding out things you have long pushed aside." He looked stern when he said to me, "I am not gay." "When you were here the last time you told my you might be gay. Is this your final determination?" Jared seemed to hesitate, not wanting to answer the question. So, I changed my course of conversation. "You told me about this dream you had, in the white room with 2 missionaries defending 3 men about their homosexuality." "Yes." "You also mentioned the arch angel Gabriel appeared towards the end of the dream." "Yes." "Why did you not feel comfortable enough in telling me what exactly happened in the dream?" Jared did not answer quickly. He may still not be comfortable with this. "Jared?" "Yes." "I am Doctor of Psychology, I don't judge you. I will not condemn you for who you may or may not be. I will ask you questions, questions you may need to ask yourself. I will try and help you understand the things in life that trouble you. In your case, you have had dreams about having sex with other men your age and you seem troubled about this intense dream you had that ended up encountering with an Angel." Jared seemed to searching my eyes, looking for the sincerity of my words. "These dreams seem to have caused you much confusion and trouble in your mind?" "Yes. Everything was going so well in my life. I knew who I was and where I was going with my life." "And now?" Jared tightened his grip on the armrests. His eyes looked away from me. "I don't know anymore." "Jared, do you masturbate?" The look in his eyes expressed shock. "Again, Jared, this is confidential. I am not going to tell anyone about what we discuss. Not your parents or your bishop." With much trepidation, Jared finally spoke. "Why do you want to know that?" "It has to do with understanding where you are at and what I may be dealing with here." "The church teachings say it's not good to do...THAT." Jarrod can't or won't say the word. "I don't agree with that teaching. It's a fear factor to imply guilt for something that is a natural act for all humans." Jared just nodded taking in what I said to him. "You feel guilty for masturbating don't you?" Shaking his head, I assumed he was facing what he never thought he would never have to admit to. "Yes." "How often to do you masturbate?" "About once a day, I guess." "How long have you been masturbating, Jared?" "I was 14 when I first tried it." "Did it scare you to do it?" "Yes. I had been taught that...ah...doing that would lead to evil thoughts and homosexuality." "But you liked doing it didn't you?" "Yes." "Did you feel dirty when you did it?" "Yes." "Did you try and stop?" "No, not really." "What did you fantasize about when you did it?" "Nothing at first, I just was into the feelings of it." "Than?" "I tried thinking about girls, but I would lose my erection, than I thought about other boys and it would stay...ah, erect." "And you felt guilty about what you were doing and what you were thinking?" "Yes." "Do you feel guilty now?" "I don't know what I feel right now." "Do you believe by masturbating that you may have turned homosexual like the church teaches?" "I said I wasn't gay." "Have you had any sexual contact with a female?" "No." "Do you want to?" "I have no feelings to do that." "Have you had any sexual contact with another male?" "No." "Do you want to?" "No." "Are you sure?" Jared wouldn't answer. "Okay, Jared, if you were homosexual, how would it impact your life?" "It would change everything." "And you don't want anything to change?" "No. I like the way everything is going." "And if you were homosexual, you would lose everything?" "Yes. The life I have known and feel secure with." "That's understandable. How soon do you leave for your mission, Jared?" "I have submitted my paperwork and waiting for my letter from Utah." "You know that on your mission you are to be completely non-sexual. That includes masturbation." "I know." "Do you plan on not masturbating on your mission?" "I hadn't thought about it." "Sure you have." Jared didn't look very happy when I challenged him on this. "I figured I could do it when I showered." "So you plan on maintaining your missionary life and sneak in some sexual life as well?" "I can't stop, don't you see. I have to do it. I need to do it." "Have you confessed these actions to your Bishop or your parents?" A look of horror crossed over his face. "NO!" "Okay. Who does know and why does it scare you?" The terror didn't leave his face, his eyes wide with the look of a deer caught in the headlights of a car or truck. Jared uttered something but I couldn't make it out. "I didn't hear that, Jared." With a sheer sense of discomfort and fear Jared repeated what he said to me. "He knows. He looked right through me. He knows everything." "Who? Jared, who knows?" Very softly he repeated, "Gabriel." The end of Chapter 33.