Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2005 13:42:52 -0700 (PDT) From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 34 adult/youth Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 34 (Author's notes: The usual copyright ownership and legal stuff. Please feel free to write me with your comments.) >From Jim's perspective: "Jared, how do know that Gabriel knows you?" Jared eyes watered up, a single tear ran down his cheek. "He came into to me." "How did he do that?" "With his eyes, it was like he entered me through my own eyes and looked all around." Wow! I thought, incredible. "What do you think he saw, Jared?" Jared eyes narrowed into mine. "EVEYTHING! He saw everything." "Jared, it was just a dream." I said trying to console him. "Yes, but it was real." "How do you know that?" "Because it was." Jared reached into his pocket and brought out a clear plastic bag and he opened it and removed its contents... ...a white feather. "What is that, Jared?" I asked. "It's a feather that he gave me." "Who?" "Gabriel. He was fluttering around and this, single feather came floating towards me and landed at my hands. I took it into my hands and never let it go. I woke up from the dream with this feather in my hands...and that scared the hell out of me." Forget 'hell'. SHIT is more like it. Didn't see that one coming. "What are you going to do with the feather, Jared?" "I don't know for sure. I have kept it with me all this time." "What does the dream mean to you now, Jared?" Jared still had tears running down his face. He made no effort to wipe them away. His eyes still showed the fear of being discovered. "It means to me that I will never forget it, as long as I live. It will always be with me. I asked Gabriel all the questions that have been tugging at me all my life. I asked if he knew the angel Moroni, if the church history and doctrines were true...he only told me that I already knew the answers...I just had to listen to my heart." By this time he was really crying. "What did your heart tell you, Jared?" "That's my problem." "Why?" "I can't hear it." "Yes, you can." "How? How do I hear it?" "Just listen to it." Jared looked at me stunned. "To what?" "The truth." "Of what?" "Yourself." Jared's head began to shake, than his body. "When you listen to 'that' truth, Jared, than you can listen to the rest of what your heart tells you." Jared bowed over in sobs, his hand letting the feather go as it floated to the floor. He cupped his face, holding it for all he was worth. This is what he needed, to find him self and find a resolve in it. I went over to him and kneeled next to him. I picked up the feather and gently spoke to him. "Jared, what is your heart trying to tell you?" Jared was struggling to form words, his mouth would open and he seemed to gag with each attempt to utter a syllable. Finally, he found the courage to speak. "I don't believe what I am hearing from my heart?" "Why, Jared? Why don't you believe?" "It isn't what I want to hear." "What do you want to hear, Jared?" Jared raised his head and looked me in the eyes. "I want to be normal." "You are normal, Jared. There is nothing wrong with you." "My heart tells me I am not normal." "What does your heart tell you, Jared?" Jared shot straight up. Yelling like he wanted God to hear him. "NO, I AM NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO MY HEART, IT ISN'T RIGHT!" Jared fell back into the chair. Threw his head back against the chair and whimpered. "What isn't right, Jared?" Softy he said, "Me." "Yes, you are. There is nothing wrong with you or your heart. Heavenly Father loves you and knows you no matter what." "If I listen to my heart, than he will too." "Maybe it's his voice from your heart, Jared." Jared with his eyes closed, began to rock in the chair. It's these moments when the epiphany forms and becomes a reality. For what seemed like minutes, his body was telling me he was contemplating his life. "I am gay." Jared said softly. "But you already knew that didn't you?" "Is that your heart speaking or you?" Again he took some time to answer. "Both." "What do you want to do about it now?" "I don't know. I just don't know." "But you have thought about it, the possibility?" "Yeah." "So, why now, why accept it now?" Jared stopped rocking and opened his eyes to me. The eyes looked so sad. "The dream I feel tried to wake me up. The things I saw and heard only made it harder for me to ignore what I feared. I always figured I was safe, maintaining who I was. I would go on my mission, than come back for college. I thought I was safe for another 4 or 5 years." Jared seemed to relax as he spoke to me. "I believe I was meant to be to have that dream, it was like my heart was trying to get me to open my mind and accept what I am." Jared looked at the feather in my hand. "I don't understand why I have that feather. It scares me that the dream was really that REAL and I believe with my heart that it was real, at least to me." I have a feeling now that that dream will be more apart of his life than he ever imagined. "You can still go on your mission." "I can?" "If that is what you want to do. A lot of gay, young men have gone on missions. Some struggle with it, others just hide from it as I suspect you would have done. Being gay doesn't mean you can't serve, at least in God's eyes." "I don't know. I thought I was doing so well. If I didn't think about it, I could be 'normal'." "I bet it was kind of hard 'not thinking' about it with masturbation a daily activity." "Yeah, I know. I guess this is what everyone means when they talk about 'being in denial'." "Yes. Deniability can be a comfort for only so long." "What do I do now?" Jared asked. "You don't have to do anything now. It's up to you as to what you want to do." Jared looked up at me, his eyes almost pleading? "But I have so many questions?" "I know. And in due time, when you are ready, you will look for the answers." "Why me?" He asked. "That's a good question." "Why me?" "Well, I believe it is the genetic makeup that our bodies inherited from our 2 parents. Yes, the gay gene that finds its way into many fetuses as they develop. Sometimes a strong gene, sometimes a weak one, but its there...dominate or not. You inherit from your parents all the genetic makeup of each family. Looks and health moving throughout the makeup of your individual traits." "Why me, why was I the one conflicted with this gene?" "Simply the luck of draw." "It isn't fair." "No, it isn't." Jared got up from the chair and walked over to the window looking out. Being on the fifth floor, he could look out about the city. "Do I have any choices?" He asked. "Yes, but none need be made now." "How do I live with this?" "Each day and believing that there is nothing wrong with you." Quietly he spoke above a whisper, words he apparently found hard to say, "Some don't live with it do they?" "No, some don't and in the process cause more hurt and pain among those who loved them than what the truth would have been." I got up and walked over to him. Standing close I said, "Are you thinking about not living with it?" Jared turned his head towards me and looked me in the eye and said, "No, I don't have those kind of feelings." "Jared, if you ever do, will you call me immediately?" Nodding his head he said, "Yes, I will." He turned his eyes back out the window. While I was stroking the feather, a thought came to me. "I am thinking about setting up a group session with a few young men who have been through roughly the same thing as you have. Would you be interested?" Great concern crossed his face. "I don't want to come out, at least for now." "I understand that, this would be very confidential and everyone would be in agreement that who they saw and what was said doesn't leave the room." "I don't know." "Jared, you are not the only young, gay Mormon in town, most of my practice involves young men struggling with these issues. Sometimes it is easier to hear what others have gone through and how it can help." "I would like to think about it. Don't get me wrong, I trust you. I just don't want anything accidentally to get out." "I know and I understand. It might take me a couple of weeks yet to put it together. Sometimes you can find comfort from others who have shared experiences." "Okay." "Our time is up, I would like to see you in couple of days." "Yes, I can do that." Jared turned and headed to the door. He suddenly stopped and turned towards me. "Ah, Doctor, can I have my feather back, please?" I looked down and didn't realize I still had the feather. I handed it to him. He put it back into the bag and slipped it into his pocket. I kept wondering what it was about that feather that intrigued me, besides the obvious. >From Rick's perspective: I looked up from my desk, through the window out into the lobby of the center. The man looked to be about 45 or so, looking completely lost and uncomfortable. I immediately went out to him. "Can I help you?" I asked. The man looked around, unsure of himself. "This your first time here?" The man looked up at me and nodded his head. "Would you like to come into my office?" The man again and nodded his head and follow me into my office and I closed the door. "Have a seat." The man sat down as I took the seat on the other side of the table. I noticed he had on a wedding ring. The man looked around, not looking directly at me. "What can I do to help you?" The man just sat there. "Do you need tested?" The man took in a breath and exhaled slowly and said, "I think so." "Okay, well follow me." I led him down to the clinic area and the tech drew the blood for his tests. When the procedure was down, I led the man back to my office. He returned to his seat. "We will have your test results shortly." I said. The man just nodded his head. His right hand fingers were twisting his wedding band. "We can talk about it. What you say to me is confidential." The man acknowledged what I said by nodding his head again, still appearing nervous. "The name you gave our tech in the clinic isn't your real name is it?" "No." "Have you been sexually active with another man?" The man's eyes shot up to mine. They seemed harden at first, than quickly softened. "Yes." "Did you use protection?" Shaking his head, he said "No." "What kind of sex did you have?" "I don't know if I want to talk about." "Well, it is policy when you are tested to be counseled on practicing safe sex." "I see." The man seemed unwilling to open up. "I see you're married." The man looked at his ring and just nodded his head. "How long have you been married?" "Too long, I suppose." "Are you bisexual?" "I think so." I studied the man, seemingly well dressed, well groomed. "I can help you." "No one can help me." "Why not?" "Because I have committed too many sins." "You seemed incredibly troubled, it might help to tell someone." The man seemed to think that over. "Have you told anyone about these things that trouble you?" I asked. The man shook his head no. "I can't." "Why not?" "I can't be forgiven for what I have done." "Who said you can't?" "I do." "Why?" Shaking his head and clenching his fist, he was searching for the words that seemed so hard for him to bring himself to say. "I am a fraud, I am not who I appear to be." "Tell me about it." The man turned towards me. "I find that no matter what I do, I can't seem to hide from it anymore. Not now, not with what I have experienced." I waited for him, to give him the time it took for him to gather the courage he needed to continue. "I have violated every vow I have ever taken. I have disgraced myself. And if the truth is known, it could destroy my life." The man was fighting with himself, to keep his composure; his breathing was now slow and deliberate. "I am...what I thought to be a spirited committed man. But, now, I don't know what I am." "Your sexuality does not take away from your spiritual feelings." "People say that you can't be 'what I am' and be a spiritually, devoted man." "They're wrong." "I am finding myself more and more attracted to men." "And you are fighting it?" "You don't understand. I can't be doing this...I am a Mormon and Mormons are above all of this." "I am a Mormon." The man turned in his seat and studied me, looking me up and down. "And you are gay?" He asked. "Yes." The man started to shake his head. "Do you really think that there aren't other gay Mormons out there?" I asked. "You can't be gay and a Mormon." "Why not?" "It isn't right." He said. "What's isn't right is your thinking." "I have failed myself, my priesthood, my wife, my family and Heavenly Father by giving in to temptations that are forbidden." "That may be true, from your stand point, but the biggest failure on your part is first...not being honest with yourself." The man looked up at me with wide eyes. "The guilt is going to cripple you until you can handle the truth." >From Adam's perspective: I looked out the window of the plane, thinking how thin the wall of the plane was between me and the outside of the plane. Oh, how I hate to fly. I looked over at Tyler who seemed a little nervous himself. "Is this the first time you have been on an airplane?" I asked. "Yes." "Well, for me the scariest part is the take off, if feels like the whole plane is going to tear apart." Jared looked up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and said, "Gee thanks for telling me that." I just chuckled at him. The plane was filling up with its passengers. I turned towards Tyler, "Would you like the window seat? It really is awesome, the sight of the world from so high." Tyler thought for a moment. "Okay, I guess." We switched seats and Tyler got comfortable at the window. As I watched him I wondered how he was holding up, losing Gary. "Tyler?" "Yeah." "How are you doing?" "Okay, I guess." "No, how are you really doing about Gary?" Tyler turned and stared out the window. Finally he spoke. "I have had my bad times. I miss him." Tyler turned towards me, his eyes sad and said, "It really doesn't seem fair, we didn't have a lot of time together this time and maybe that is my fault. I let him get away a couple of years ago. I just let him go. I have kicked myself over and over again for letting that happen. By the time I realized what I wanted in life, and that was Gary, he was already sick." "Tyler, you finally did come to him didn't you?" "Yes." "And the two of you resolved your feelings for each other?" "Yes." "Than you should be happy that the two of did that before he died." Tyler turned back to the window. "I know." He said. Tyler's hand was on the armrest between us. I moved my hand over his and laid it down as I felt I needed to give him some comfort in some way. "I never told him I was in love with him." "Why not?" I asked. "Because I was afraid." "Afraid of what?" "That he wasn't in love with me." I leaned over to him and said, "He was you know." "How?" "I know." I said. "How?" "He told me." Tyler turned in his seat back to me, his eyes almost accusing me of lying. "You never met him." "In the dream, Tyler, he told me in the dream." Tyler turned back to the window. I saw his other hand move up to face to wipe something off of it. "There's more to the dream isn't there?" "Yes." I said. "Will I ever hear about that?" The plane was finally loaded. The announcements were made and the plane began to taxi to the runway. Tyler continued to watch from the window. The plane began its roar as it moved to take off. I felt his hand tighten on the armrest. The plane picked up speed and began its ascent into the air. The plane shook and rattled till finally it reached its cruising level and smoothed out. I realized that my hand had tightened around his. I immediately released the pressure. I lifted my hand as I felt him move his, but all he did was turn his hand over, entwine his fingers into mine and closed them. I looked up at him and he continued to look out the window. His gesture felt so incredible, I could feel so much coming from him, not sure what it was, but I felt it. When he spoke, it was softly and it brought me out of the spell he had me in. "Will you tell me about the dream that I don't know about?" Aaron and I had talked about how we were going to deal with the dream's realities. When Gabriel talked to 'just us', it was illuminating. We have still not decided whether to pursue the 'Hale maps'. We did decide that we would talk to Dr. Haines and see if he had any ideas on how we can help young gay men, especially Mormons. I knew, in this moment, I would tell Tyler everything. "Yes, Tyler. I will." Tyler's hand squeezed my hand gently, as if expressing his appreciation. "It's really beautiful, looking down upon the earth like this." He said. "Kind of like seeing the view from God's eyes." "Yes, I think so too." While he held my hand, I just looked at him, wondering what was going on in his mind. "I am afraid." "Of what, Tyler?" "Of the dream." "In what way?" "How it will affect me for the rest of my life." "That's sounds pretty deep." Tyler turned towards me. His eyes coming into mine. "There is something beyond all of us who had some part of the dream. I have done nothing but think about the dream and how it touched all of us. For me, I don't think I will ever be the same. I have a strong, deep feeling that when you reveal the rest of the dream to me, it will change everything." It has for Aaron and me. The end of Chapter 34