Date: Thu, 8 Sep 2005 12:08:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary  Chapter 35  adult/youth

Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 35

(Author's notes: The usual legal announcements here. The work is
copyrighted. Of course, you must be of age to read this story. Comments are
always welcomed.)

>From Rick's perspective:


I looked in the eyes of this man, a stranger, who seems so inwardly
tortured. I watched as he continued to twist his wedding ring. The sadness
on his face spoke volumes of regrets.

"You're not alone." I said.

The man nodded his head, than shook his head.

"Not for me, I have been alone with this for so long."

"And the impact on your life means that it's all over, that you can not
continue to live the life you have had all these years."

The man was taking in what I said to him. I reached over to the hand that
was twisting the wedding ring and placed my hand on top of his. He didn't
flinch or pull away. I gently squeezed it.

"This is something you will have to face, whether now or next week or next
month or next year. But you have choices to consider and yes, your life
will be impacted by those choices. You can continue to run and hide, not
facing the truths that are looking back at you in the mirror. The fear of
discovery will control your life as long as you let it. It will eat at you
until you finally relent and accept what it is about you that you seem to
want to deny. You can do this alone and become angry and bitter or you can
do this with help."

I let him think about my words. A single tear appeared out of the corner of
his eye. His face was skewed into fear and what I sensed was self-loathing.

Finally he spoke, gently, "I will hurt so many people with this."

"That's one of the choices you have to consider. If you want to change
things in your life, others will be affected."

"What other choices do I have?"

"Well, you can leave and go back to your family and life and never touch
another man again and live out your life in the direction you feel is more
righteous and safe."

He nodded his head.

"You can continue seeing other men and live the double life with fear,
grief and guilt."

He nodded his head.

"You can be honest with yourself."

"What about Heavenly Father? I...ah..."

"One thing I have learned, even from other Mormons is that Heavenly Father
already knows what you are going to do. He knows you completely. For me, I
came out to him one night in my bedroom. I struggled for a long time,
afraid to admit it even to myself. But that one night, alone, on my knees,
I prayed and spoke to Heavenly Father with the truth from my heart. I told
him finally, I was gay. With that admission, I felt an incredible weight
lifted off of me and I knew than what my path of life would be."

The man's eyes were closed as I spoke. I squeezed his hand and he opened
them and looked at me.

"Will you think about what I have said and consider coming back to talk
with me again?"

The man's face softened, his eyes, a brilliant shade of green looked into
my eyes, like he was trying to see if I was absolutely sincere with him.

"Yes." He finally said.

"I will be right back. I am going to go get the results." I said and left
the room.

When I got back, he was gone.



>From Adam's perspective:



The plane was experiencing some turbulence and we had to put on our seat
belts. Tyler never let go of my hand. He continued to look at the window,
down at the earth.

"When will you tell me about the dream, Adam?"

I guess I don't blame him for pressing the issue.

"Aaron and I are going to tell you, Joel, Terry and Kevin when we can get
everyone together."

Tyler turned towards me. His eyes found mine.

"What about what you said about Gary?"

"Tyler, that is something I will do with you in private, not with so many
people around."

"Will you tell me tonight, in the hotel room?"

"Yes."

Tyler turned back towards the window.

"I want to understand," He said.

I didn't say anything. I waited for him.

"I want to understand why I had to lose Gary."

I put my arm around him.

"You haven't lost Gary, Tyler, he's in your heart and your soul, that's the
part that he left you. He's with you always."

"I know. I have felt him near me sometimes."

"When?"

"At night, after my brother would go to bed, I would be in mine, listening
to my mind, replaying all the events in the hospital over and over
again. Looking at him in my mind's eye so still and peaceful. I would feel
the ache in my chest and I would cry and than I could feel him close to me
and I knew he was there. That would give me enough comfort to fall asleep."

I held on to him for a while. Letting him console his emotions at the
moment.

"Tyler, have you spoken to his mother?"

"Yes. I spoke to her last week before she went home. She has his ashes and
when I am ready, she said, we would take care of them."

"Okay."

The announcement came on that we were getting ready to land in
Jacksonville. I released Tyler and together we braved the inevitable
landing.


>From Terry's perspective:


Joel and I had flown into Salt Lake City after we told our mothers we had
to take this trip last night. Joel's mother was so supportive she booked
the flight for us and put it on her credit card. Joel and I will have to
pay her back though...eventually.

This was the first time I had ever flown and I loved it. I had never seen
the mountains before. They were an incredible sight to see. Joel had flown
to Utah before when he started his mission. The Missionary Training Center,
he said, was in Provo, south of Salt Lake City.

We rented a car. Joel had Brian's home address. Salt Lake County has this
weird grid set up for its streets. I guess it makes sense to everyone else,
but I am lost. Joel was quiet as he drove into the neighborhood suburb of
West Valley City where Brian grew up.

Joel pulled up in front of a house and turned the ignition off.

I put my hand on his.

"Are you okay?"

Joel took his hand and clasped mine.

"I don't know yet."

"What time did you tell Brian's mother you were coming?"

"3:00"

I glanced at the dashboard clock. It read 2:55.

"Joel?"

"Yeah?"

"You know I am going with you?"

"Yes. I want you with me."

Joel reached for the door handle and tried to release my hand. I didn't let
him go. He turned to me with questioning eyes.

"I love you."

Joel smiled. "I love you, too."

We stepped up on the porch of the house. Joel knocked on the door.

Joel stepped back, waiting for the response.

Finally a woman of about 50 or so opened the door. She was a handsome woman
for her age, with grey hair with soft features. Her face was drawn, the
color of her cheeks seemed pale, her eyes, sad and distant.

"Hi, I am Joel."

The woman came out on to the porch and put her arms around Joel and hugged
him.

When she released him, she had tears in her eyes.

"Come in," she said, "I am Jenny, Brian's mother."

Joel turned to me.

"Jenny, this is Terry."

"Hello," she said to me, "Let's go inside."

Brian's mother led us to the living room and we sat down.

No one spoke. The silence was deafening for me, but than I realized the two
of them were grieving quietly with each other. I knew that Joel had no one
to grieve 'with', anyone that was close to Brian.

Finally, Joel looked up at Jenny.

"I am so sorry my father called you." Joel said.

Jenny looked over at me and than at Joel.

"Your father is a very bitter man. Ungrateful I think. His son is alive."

"My father has a lot of issues. I haven't spoken to him since he convened
the excommunication hearing."

Jenny just shook her head.

"Did he tell you how he found out Brian and me?"

"He said he had a note that Brian wrote you. He accused Brian of being a
predator. That he confused you and seduced you into becoming a deviate."

"He didn't' tell you I was in the hospital and how he found Brian's note?"

"No."

Joel looked down. His face was a mix of anger and embarrassment.

Joel rolled his shirtsleeves up and turned his arms over and showed Jenny
his bandages.

Jenny brought her hands to her face in shock.

"Oh Joel, Joel why?"

Joel kept his head down as he covered his arms up. He didn't say
anything. I don't think he could. I reached over and put my hand on his
arm.

"Joel and I met in the hospital. He was so torn up about Brian and his own
life. He was, I think, drowning in depression and grief. I think that's why
he tried to ..."

I couldn't finish saying it.

"I was there because I told my father I was gay and he and my brother beat
me for it. We were in same ICU unit. We have the same doctor who thought we
needed to be with someone who was like us. I was angry and he was so
sad. We were both struggling silently at the time. I found something in
Joel and I think he found something in me so we could relate to each of our
own turmoil. It helped both of us to realize that we could go on with our
lives and still be who we are."

Jenny looked at Joel the whole time I spoke. I saw tears running down her
face. Joel was shaking, quietly crying.

"No one knew what Joel was going through until he wrote his note and they
found him. His mother has been supportive, as has mine. His father was a
real bastard."

I realized that I used a curse word.

"Sorry."

Jenny looked over to me.

"I believe the word was accurate."

Jenny moved and took Joel in her arms. Joel fell apart.

"Baby, you were in love with him." Jenny said.

"Yes." Joel whispered.

"Brian broke your heart. He broke mine too."

Jenny continued to rock Joel in her arms.

"Brian hurt us, you, me, his sisters by what he did to himself. I had
suspected Brian was gay a long time ago. I have read that a mother can
tell. I choose to ignore it, hoping my feelings were false. Brian was so
intent on going on his mission and I felt blessed that he was committed to
that. He wanted to make his father and me so proud of him. Brian was our
only son as he has 3 older sisters. Than, nearing the end of his mission, I
was so excited that Brian was going to be coming home. Than I got that call
from the Mission President."

"I am so sorry for everything." Joel said.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because if it wasn't for me...he..."

Oh Joel, I thought. You still blame yourself.

"Joel, honey...it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you for this." Jenny
said. "Joel, he saw something special in you and he fell in love with you."

"But if I wasn't there, if I had refused his advances, if I had..."

"If you had not loved my son, he may have never known love. I read his
mission journal. He loved you so much. I read his torment and his feelings
about being gay. I read how he dreaded his father ever knowing."

Joel pulled back and looked at Jenny.

"Brian wrote about me?"

"Yes, he did."

Joel started shaking his head no.

"I was afraid to write about us. I didn't want anyone to know about us."

"It's okay, now. We all know now."

Joel started to compose himself.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Jenny looked over to me and said, "Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, thanks. I am fine, mam."

Jenny sat down again. They were both quiet again.

"Are you okay, Joel?" I asked.

Joel looked up at me and smiled, "Yes."

Jenny got up and grabbed Joel's hand.

"Come with me," she said.

We followed her down a hallway to the back of the house. She opened a
door. The three of us went into the room.

"This is Brian's room. It is exactly as he left it. His journals are on his
desk. Joel, you may spend as much time as you need here."

Joel turned to her and put his arms around her.

Jenny than turned, grabbed me and dragged me to the kitchen. We sat down at
the table after she got us a couple of glasses of ice water.

"This isn't easy for you is it?" I asked.

"No. I have been grieving over Brian really hard. I usually don't talk to
too many people. Everyone at my ward just leaves me alone. Brian's father
and I separated after I told him what Brian wrote in his suicide note. I
have been furious with him when he said Brian did the right thing. My
daughters have all been spending time with me. They want me to sell the
house and give up all of Brian's things. It's hard. That bedroom is all I
have left of Brian."

"I think the question is what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. My Bishop and I have talked several times about Brian, my
husband, my daughters and my grandchildren and the things that are
important in my life now. He tells me that my 'recovering from my grief',
as he put it will be a long time. I actually told him that I would never,
ever recover."

"Time can be soothing and time can be painful. In the end, I am told, it
finally numbs the pain."

Jenny laughed bitterly, "Time is my enemy, I have too much of it."

All I could do was listen. Listen to this broken woman who seems to have
lost so much, so pained.

"I blame his father for what happened. If he had never said those 'words',
those hateful 'words', Brian would be here now, with me. I wouldn't have
cared that Brian was gay, he would have been alive."

I felt that familiar feeling in my chest of sadness as I thought about my
father. For Jenny, I understood.

"I don't think my mother will ever forgive my father or my brother."

Jenny looked over at me, brought her hand to my chin and raised it.

"I can barely see the bruises, but they are there. What all did they do to
you? How old are these?"  "Just two weeks old. We were told that we would
heal quickly. The doctors are pleased."

I told her about my injuries. I could see it made her angry.

"The bastards," she said, "Actually I can think of other words to describe
them."

"My brother came to me and apologized for what he did. I don't know if I
can trust him again."

"And now, you and Joel?"

"Joel and I are together, not completely, but we are growing into the
direction. I am there for him, supporting him. I understand what he is
going through and I feel in my heart that he is worth waiting for. I am
waiting for him to let Brian go. I know in my heart, that he won't
completely let go and it isn't fair of me to expect that, but I do love
him. I have not, nor would I ever make Brian an issue in our
relationship. The more he heals, the closer he gets to me."

Jenny looked towards the hallway and than back at me.

"I know it's been nearly a year since Brian died, he is still hurting so
much. Time hasn't been kind to him either."

"Yes, he does hurt. If it wasn't for Brian, in that way, we may have not
met."

Jenny looked a bit surprised at that remark.

I proceeded to tell her about our dream, leaving out the Gabriel part.

"The words Brian used in the dream are nearly what he wrote in his
journal. And you said all these young men experienced the same dream, the
same events at the same time?"

"Yes."

"That is fascinating. What does your doctor make of that?"

"Well, I think he is still trying to piece it all together. For him, it's a
phenomenon beyond anything he has ever encountered. When he put some of it
together, he put Joel and me in the same room, knowing that we had a shared
experience. We had never met, but it seemed like we knew each other of our
lives. I am not a Mormon and I am learning as much as I can so I can
understand why the connection with the church is so strong. I think he felt
that since Joel tried to commit suicide and I, in a way, did the same
thing, brought us together so the two of us could find strength in each
other."

"You draw from each other, I can see that. I can tell he loves you by the
way he looks at you."

Jenny reached over and took my hand.

"He's torn between how he feels about Brian and how he feels about you."

"I know. Joel needs closure. He didn't get that in Jacksonville when Brian
died. The way he talks about it, it was all cold and distant how everyone
treated him there, the police, the church people and the other
missionaries. He never got to say goodbye to Brian."

Jenny looked down towards the hallway.

"I need closure too, I suppose.  I may never get that. I pray, sometimes
all day long, trying to find different answers to questions I already know
the answers to. I heard all my life that Heavenly Father never gives
anything we can't handle."

Jenny eyes closed. Her face tightened.

"I have told Heavenly Father that is something I never wanted to handle. My
whole life has been devoted to my family and church. Living the gospel,
studying the gospel, doing everything for the rewards we have been
promised."

Jenny was struggling so hard.

"I ask God why I am being punished, why he took my son from me, what did I
do so wrong that he led me into this hell I am living."

Shaking her head, I knew she felt lost in despair for answers.

"I thought for a long time I was being punished for having a gay son. I
know now, that is not true."

Jenny finally broke into a smile.

"Brian was such an incredible boy growing up. He did well in school and in
church. He had lots of friends, he was happy, I thought. His journals tell
me he was."

Jenny got up and refilled her glass.

"I joined Affirmation."

"I don't know what that is."

"It's a group for gay Mormon families who have or had a gay family
member. I put Brian's name in the memorial on the website. I found support
from other mothers who have gone through the same thing."

Jenny took a sip of water and placed the glass on the table, suddenly her
face convulsed into pain.

"Why couldn't I have saved him? Why?" she cried.

Jenny quickly composed herself. She took another sip of water.

"Joel being here helps me. He is the last living connection my son."

"I think you and Joel needed to see each other."

"I agree."

"I think you should stay in touch with him. I think you both need the moral
support of each other."

Jenny drank some of her water. She looked like she was thinking about what
I said. She looked up at me.

"How old are you, young man?"

"18."

"For such a young man, you seem to have been blessed with wisdom beyond
your years. I also believe that that young man in my son's bedroom is very
lucky to have you."

I am sure I blushed big time, I could feel the warmth in my face. Jenny
chuckled.

"Thank you." Was all I could say.  "It takes a special, kind hearted person
to do what you have with Joel. I don't think there are too many people in
this world, Mormon or not, to stand with someone you have fallen in love
with, who is so in love with someone else."

I just looked at her, trying to figure why she said it that way to me.

"You are in love with him aren't you?"

"Yes."

"How can you do that?"

I had to think for a moment.

"In the dream, we had a connection, kind of hard to explain I guess. But it
was there, strong. I felt his pain and I think he felt mine. I was drawn to
him, feeling comfort and peace. Things I hadn't known in my life. For us,
Jenny, it's what we give each other without hesitation."

Jenny nodded her head.

"You know, married couples never ever see it like that or feel it like
that."


We sat there quietly with our thoughts. I glanced at her kitchen clock and
Joel had been in the bedroom for 2 hours already.



>From Joel's perspective:



After Jenny and Terry left me alone, I stood in the center of the room and
looked around. I was here, in Brian's space. Where he slept, were he grew
up. I once thought when we were together, he would be bring me here to see
his home. I wanted to share that with him. I wanted to share everything
with him.

The room looked like it hadn't changed since Brian left for his
mission. Everything was in order. The books, his little processions. Star
Wars figures lined up on a shelf. The wall had few pictures. One was the
Salt Lake Temple. A poster of "Titanic" hung above the bed. It was the one
with both Jack and Rose pictured above the ocean liner.

I walked over to the closet. His clothes still hung there. I reached in and
brought some of them to my nose. It had Brian's smell to them. I hugged his
clothes and cried again.

I opened the draws of his dresser. Everything was as it was suppose to
be. Untouched. Like he was still here.

I went over to his desk and sat down. I ran my hands over everything. I
placed my hands on his journals. There were 3 of them, including his
mission journal. I smiled at the thought that he must have started his
journals when he was baptized at age 8 and followed church doctrine by
keeping a journal. I couldn't bring myself to open them.

Yet.

I reached over and turned on the computer. It came to life and Windows XL
popped up on screen. I clicked on 'start' and opened the documents file.

I found a file named..."My poems." I opened it. Brian was a poet. There
must have been a hundred poems. I read a few of them. There were silly
things, just teen nonsense stuff. I laughed at him. I found one named "My
Life". I opened it and the words followed.



My life is love My life is a gift My life is a journey On a visit from
above

My life is boundless It takes its high roads At times it takes the low
roads But in the end I know I will be blessed

But in time, I find myself my one true love One day I will find my
companion for life It will be happiness abound My life will be surround

My heart is full My heart is strong My heart is determined to find the
right road And be happiness loads

My one true love Will be strong and passionate They will process the love
of all To be shared with me when I call

Loves fighting war My goals they do soar I find myself in a boat With only
one oar

I fear the time will come When my love will end all The pain it will cause
I must fight to tear down the walls

My heart is in struggle My soul is in fear My mind is in bewilderment My
life is awe

I fear for myself I fear for those who care I fear for my salvation I fear
for my illumination

My life should be long My life I fear I may not belong My life may be a sad
song My life is all wrong



I read the last verse over and over again.

Oh, Brian.

I turned on the printer and printed a copy. I put the poem in my pocket.



I closed the computer down and reached for his mission journal. I opened
it. His handwriting was really good and the read was smooth, his writing
was concise and his thoughts seemed spiritual. I searched for the date when
he was assigned to my area and me.

Brian wrote about meeting me, and how he felt a strong connection between
us already. He wrote in the coming pages how well we worked together and he
felt the spirit between us. Than he wrote that he what he had feared would
happen on his mission, was beginning to unfold. He was attracted to me. The
feelings were stronger than he can ever remember being around someone. He
wrote how he would, late at night, watch me sleep, but he said it wasn't
really a sexual thing. He found any excuse just to touch me. My hand, my
shoulder and he feared that the hugs were too long, but he couldn't help
himself.

Brian wrote about that night, how he came on to me. In that one hug, our
arms around each other, with our organs touching through the garment
materials. He wrote that feeling me get excited was so humbling to him. He
wrote that without thinking or hesitation he reached into my garments and
touched me. He just did it. I was the first person he ever touched that
way. Something he had dreamed about and feared.

I remembered the same feelings, how it felt when he touched me, and took me
out and started to stroke me. I knew, when I first touched him and took him
out, I knew I would never stop. I remember looking into his eyes and he
leaned in and kissed me on the mouth.

Brian wrote about the first kiss and how it surprised him that it was so
amazing. He wrote about taking me to his bed and making out and falling
asleep together.

The next day, he wrote how he felt so safe with me. The urges he had to do
more with me. How he felt when he moved down me and touched me with his
tongue and lips and than taking me inside his mouth. It seemed so natural
for him, the taste and feel of it in his mouth. He wanted me so badly. He
wanted me to climax in his mouth and when I did, he felt such joy and
satisfaction. When I did him, he said he it was unbelievable. Like nothing
he had ever felt before.

It was the fifth day of our sexual exploration that he wrote that he felt
like he was falling in love with me.

I know that day. It was the day we both were inside each other. Brian
wasn't graphic about our love making, he wrote about it like it was
poetry. I loved being inside Brian. His eyes would glow with wild
astonishment at me as I slid myself in and out of him. He wrote what it was
like inside me and how it gave him such energy and a sense of fulfillment.

Brian wrote the following weeks about our love affair. He had no worries or
concerns. He was happy and even hoped that we would be together after my
mission ended in a year.

I read with trepidation the final pages of his journal as he described how
he was beginning to feel depressed, that the words of his father were
ringing in his head. He felt near panic has he realized the truths of what
was happening. He was truly gay and in love with a man. The guilt was
forming inside him. He didn't know what to do.

I remember the moments he seemed to pull away from me and than they faded.

Brian continued to write about how he felt about me. We had made love
everyday and night when we were alone. He wrote that when he wasn't
touching me, or looking at me, his mind and soul filled with despair. He
continued to write of the guilt of the sin, repeating the sin that kept
echoing in his mind with his father's voice. He kept writing that this was
all, his fault. That he took me to his sin. He felt that he was responsible
for my sins.

The words he said to me in the dream.

I kept thinking why didn't I see it? Why couldn't I read his emotions? Why
couldn't I see in his eyes he was troubled? Why? Why?

I felt the sobs coming from my chest.

Why didn't he talk to me and tell me?

Why did you leave me, Brian?

At that moment, I felt a warmth come over my body.

It was soothing.

It was like a blanket had enclosed me.

It was Brian.

I knew it.

I felt him.

He knows I love him with all my heart.

I know he will never be far from me.

I know he loves me.

I know these things all at once and when I acknowledged and accepted
them...

...the feeling was gone.

I suddenly felt two arms embrace me and I knew immediately who it was. I
turned in the chair and took Terry into my arms.

"I love you Terry, I love you so much."

I held on to him with all my strength and soul. I feet so scared. I never
want to lose him.

"Please, don't ever leave me. I don't think I could handle that again."



>From Terry's perspective:



I took Joel's face in my hands and kissed me.

"I love you, Joel. I need you so much. I don't ever what to leave you."

I brought my lips to his to seal what I said with my kiss.

After I released him from the kiss, he placed his head on my chest. I
looked over him to see the journal open to the last entry. In my heart I
really hoped what he found in that journal will help him find closure.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"I think I found what I needed."

His eyes met mine.

"I am sorry, Terry."

"For what?"

"I love Brian."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know."

Joel started to speak again and I put my fingers to his lips.

"You know how I feel about this. You wouldn't be the man I know and love
had you not loved Brian."

Joel nodded his head.

"I am ready to go see him now."

Joel got up from the chair and we went out to Jenny.

"I am ready to go to the cemetery," Joel said.

"Okay, we will take my car than," she said.

"I need to get something out of mine and than I will be ready."

Joel headed out to the car, while Jenny and I got in hers. Joel came around
and got in the front seat with his half dozen roses he had bought on the
way here.

The trip to the cemetery was quiet. It seemed that Jenny and Joel were into
their own thoughts. The drive was only about ten minutes from her house.

The cemetery was beautifully landscaped with bushes and trees. Flowerbeds
surrounded the perimeter. The flowers were beautiful and full of rainbow
colors. How ironic I thought. We followed the drive up through the cemetery
and she stopped and parked the car. We got out and followed her down a row
of headstones.

We passed the end of the headstones and continued down a grassy hill to a
row of oak trees. Jenny stopped by the last tree. Joel continued with her
and stood next to her. I held back some. I was going to let them have their
moment, together. I could make out a ground marker so I assumed that was
where Brian was. The area seemed isolated from the other graves.

Joel stepped up and kneeled near the grave. He placed a single rose near
the marker and bowed his head and placed his right hand over the grave, in
proximity of Brian's heart. He was praying. I had never seen him pray
before. Jenny placed her hand on Joel's shoulder as he prayed.  He rose and
handed Jenny the remaining five roses. Jenny took one and laid it next to
the one Joel placed.

Joel turned around and waved me over to him. Jenny stepped back and walked
towards the trees. I stood next to Joel. I could read the marker.

                 Brian Alexander Young
                       1983-2004
                          LDS

I wondered if he was a distant relative of Brigham Young.

I took Joel's hand in mine. I felt him squeeze it. He didn't say anything
as he shared his moment here with me. He was with Brian, finally in the
only way he could. No longer wondering where he was.

I looked up at Joel. He had tears in his eyes. The depth of his pain must
be deeper than I ever imagined. I took him into my arms.

"He's at peace now Joel...for both of you."

Joel held on to me. I had fallen in love with his strength when we
met. Standing strong and tall about who he was and what he was, and now,
leaning on me for strength. I truly believed in my heart now, that we would
be together for the rest of our lives.

On the way back to the house, Jenny described that Brian was only given a
graveside service. The bishop declined to let us use the ward building
since Brian and had committed suicide. Just a couple of Brian's friends and
his family were there. She had had an open casket at the viewing and she
remarked how handsome he was in his suit.  To cover the marks on his neck
she put a man's scarf around it.

We arrived back at the house and Brian asked if he and I could go back into
his room. Jenny said yes.  Brian handed me the mission journal and I sat on
the bed and read it. I think he wanted me to know what Brian wrote about
him. Joel began reading one of the other journals.

I was amazed and saddened by what I read. Brian was an incredibly spirited
and devoted young man in his faith. I think I would have loved having him
as friend.

When we finished our visit, Joel kissed Jenny on the cheek. Jenny hugged us
both and she and Joel promised to stay in touch.

That night at the hotel room, Joel and I said very little. Our thoughts
were quiet with dignity. I excused myself and took a shower. When I walked
back in the room, Joel was on his knees, leaning on the bed, obviously in
prayer. I sat in the chair and remained respectfully quiet.

Finally Joel raised and looked over at me and smiled. He than grabbed a
towel and went to took his shower.

I pulled the covers back from the bed and got under the sheet.

Joel came out of the bathroom completely naked. He walked over to the bed
and looked down upon me. I too was naked. Joel is a very handsome man, with
no body fat to speak of. He has a light splattering of hair on his chest
and around his nipples. A hair trail running down over his stomach into his
pubic area that nestled the most beautiful cut cock I had ever seen. He was
growing an erection that measured nearly seven inches.  Joel got into bed
with me and leaned over and started kissing me. This was a lust full
kiss. He moved his body over on top of mine. I felt his cock up against
mine. We were both hard. He lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me with so
much passion I have never felt before. I felt him guide his cock over mine
and it was nice.

Joel pulled back from our kiss and started kissing my neck. Moving down to
my chest and nipples.

When Joel moved down towards my hard cock, he looked up at me and smiled.

"I love you and I need you tonight."

"I love you."

Joel's hand encased my cock. Gently he eased the foreskin down from the
head and took his lips and kissed it. Than he slowly parted his lips and I
watched as my cock disappeared into his mouth. This was the first time he
touched me this way. He began a very slow sucking of my cock, running his
tongue down its length and up to the end, pushing his tongue inside the
foreskin. I knew I was heaven. I felt his fingers moving between my legs
towards my hole. He stuck a finger in his mouth and placed it at the
hole. It slid in.

I told him to look in the zipper pouch of my suitcase. I brought lube just
in case.

When he had me ready, Joel took his cock and placed it inside me, gently,
like no one else has done before. With each stroke I felt his passion for
me. I kept telling myself that Joel was inside, making love to me. I felt
so full and content with him in me. My legs were extended up so he could
face me. I loved watching his face as the sexual pleasure spread across
it. He was being so gentle with me, not wanting to hurt me.

I reached for my cock and brushed my hand away. I was so hard. I knew I had
to have my orgasm. He would not have it that way. I could feel his whole
being inside me. The head was so pronounced that I felt it rub along my
colon. I squeezed down on him and his eyes got real big. I knew it was
enough to bring him off and it did. He tensed up and I felt the orgasm
flood me. When he finished, he stayed inside until he slipped out with so
much of his fluid. He then took hold of my cock and buried it into his
mouth and sucked me hard and I knew it would be quick and it was as I
exploded into his mouth and he swallowed me completely.

Joel laid himself beside me and I grabbed the towel and cleaned his cock
off. It was semi-hard as I wiped it clean. Then I took him in my mouth. I
had waited a long time to taste him. He got hard really quick and I worked
my magic and brought him off again.

As I lay cradled next to him, I felt his warmth and his love. I knew in my
heart he was now with me.



>From Adam's perspective:



We arrived in Jacksonville in one piece. I think. I rented a car and we
went to the famous beaches along the Atlantic. Tyler and I walked the beach
for a while. We got back to town about 3 P.M.

Tyler and I toured downtown Jacksonville and had dinner at the finest
restaurant we could find. He definitely had an appetite. We tour the
Jacksonville Landing area where we wanted to put the theater.

At the hotel room that night, I prepared my plans for the new theater
that's to be presented to the city council meeting tomorrow while Tyler
watched television.

I looked up from my desk and just gazed at Tyler. A beautiful young man to
behold and when he smiles its like the whole world lights up. I thought
back to his holding my hand on the plane and wondered if it was just a
brief moment of his needing the touch of someone else or was it more.

The room had two queen size beds and I took the one furthest from the
bathroom. I usually sleep nude, but since I knew Tyler would be here, I
wore long pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Tyler came out of the bathroom in
his boxers and t-shirt. He went over and sat down on the other bed. He
looked over at me. I thought he was ready to hear about Gary now. It was
not the question he asked. I was not prepared for the one he did ask.

"Can I sleep with you tonight Adam?"


The end of Chapter 35