Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2007 19:06:06 -0700 (PDT) From: crispin emrys Subject: Crispin-and-Zephyr/Part-1-Crispin/Chapter-1-revised This series of fictional stories are the product of my imagination. However, nothing happens in a vacuum. Like most fiction, it is based on real people I have met, places and events I have seen. The Prologue and Chapters 1-13 appeared on Nifty this winter. They have been extensively revised (especially Prologue and Chapter 13) and Chapter 13 has been completed. I will post two per week then continue with Chapter 14. It may be against the law to read where you are because of its content or your age. Or you may feel uncomfortable reading it because of the belief systems you have accepted. Follow the dictates of your heart. If you do read this series, I hope you enjoy it. When this five part story is completed, it will have told the tale of one boy and one man and how their intimate relationship and love for each other led to the creation of a modern day legion of boy knights. These knights errant became young champions of human and social rights and defenders of the weak and the downtrodden. These Boy Knights of the Green Republic reveal the true meaning, purpose and power of boyhood. You may be aware of the etymology of the word knight, that it is derived from the Old English cniht, meaning page boy, or servant, or simply boy. Knighthood, as in the Old English cnihthad, had the meaning of adolescence, that most intriguing period between childhood and manhood. In this sense every boy is a knight, and in my estimation a potential knight errant. Copyright 2007 Crispin Emrys. All Rights Reserved. This series may be displayed on any website so long as no money is charged for access and attribution is retained. Just ask permission first. Thanks. This project is dedicated to Guy Davenport, a gentle genius and unsurpassed writer of short stories who died in 2005, to every Crispin and Zephyr in this or any other world, and to you the reader that you may be encouraged by it. I am Crispin Emrys at crispinemrys@yahoo.com. Feel free to contact me. I always enjoy hearing from my readers. Crispin and Zephyr Part 1 - Crispin Chapter 1 - Revised February 1999 San Francisco Crispin sat motionless in one of three overstuffed brown leather arm chairs, positioned on the large Turkish carpet of crimson, rose and soft green. Together the chairs formed an uneven triangle. He was looking at the 15 year old boy who was sitting almost directly across from him, listening intently to his every word. The boy's lithe frame was easily engulfed by the comfortably soft dark brown leather easy chair. He was resting his elbows on his knees and had placed his shaggy blond head in his hands so that he was looking down toward the floor. As he quietly told the end of his story, he let tears fall from his face onto the black jeans and skate shoes that he was wont to wear. It was late Friday afternoon. The late winter fog was already swirling outside the windows of Crispin's study. This warmly cozy room, with its heavy accents on rich browns and warm reds, was on the second floor of his stylish office and residence. This three story affair was situated on the eastern end of Bernal Heights, a significant hill that rose at the southern end of the Mission District. From many of its large eastern fronting windows one could look across San Francisco Bay toward the hills that stood overlooking Berkeley and Oakland. But today these were barely visible as the oncoming fog snaked over the hills from the west on its relentless eastward journey from the Pacific Ocean toward the Bay. "Sometimes I still can't believe this has really happened, Cris. I miss him so very, very much. I want it all to be a dream, or even a nightmare, and then I can just wake up and Tanner and I will still be here together. I don't understand why he had to leave me here all alone." The boy paused briefly and took a deep breath before continuing. "Maybe someday I will but right now I just don't and it makes me angry. But, then I get mad at myself for getting mad at him, because I know it wasn't his fault. I understand this in my head, but I just can't seem to get my heart to listen" At this point the boy could not go on and just began to sob. Cris watched for a few seconds and then quietly got up from his chair and facing the boy, knelt beside him. He placed his arms around the boy's shoulders, then leaned over until his neck came into slight contact with the boy's shaggy head. Then he gently guided the boy's head onto his shoulder. Almost immediately the boy threw both of his arms around Cris and hugged him tightly. Cris held the boy to his chest as he cried, allowing him the opportunity to release more of his pent up grief. After many, many minutes of heavy sobbing, the boy began to quietly weep. At this point Cris spoke almost in a whisper into the boy's ear. "Robbie, this is so very hard for you, my sweet boy. You have been so brave through all of this, so caring about everyone else, especially Tanner and his brother, his parents, your mom." The thoughts were coming to Cris a bit faster now. He sighed and continued in a more normal voice, "Now you must start to take care of yourself. It is what Tanner would have wanted. You have been a pillar of strength for all those around you, your friends, Tanner's family, your family, facing this terrible ordeal like the wonderful loving boy that you are, steadfast and brave, protective and compassionate, loyal to Tanner's memory and to the vision you and he shared." Cris paused for a moment. "But, now, Robbie, we are coming to the end of that part of the story, the really happy part that ends so tragically, the part in which you and Tanner are together and then he has to leave and you are left here by yourself. End of part one. Now you are at the beginning of a new and as yet unwritten portion of the story, one in which it is left up to you to live out the hopes and dreams you and Tanner shared with each other. In this way you will be living out your life for both of you." Robbie raised up his head so that he could look at Cris with his gorgeous azure blue eyes which had now been thoroughly reddened by his salty tears. "Where do you think Tanner is now, Cris?" he asked plaintively. "Gee, Robbie, I can't say for sure. But I do believe this: he is wherever you think he is. And I think that could be more than one place at a time. He is in your heart," Cris said as he placed his hand on Robbie's chest, "and your dreams, your memory, maybe he is even in this very room." Robbie nodded is head slowly and looked from side to side. "And at the same time maybe he is also somewhere else that is peaceful as well." "He is somewhere waiting for me there," Robbie said with finality. "I know we will be together again some day." Cris nodded gently so that Robbie would know he had heard. After a little pause Robbie began again, though very softly and with a broken voice filled with loss. "I miss him so much, Cris. I just don't know how I can go on all by myself." Cris smiled at the boy and lovingly kissed his forehead. "Well, the fact is you can. And you will. Robbie, there can be no other way. Tanner wanted it to be so, and you both talked about it, isn't that right?" The handsome boy nodded his head slowly, his eyes taking on a dreamy, far away look. By now the tears had completely stopped. He remained this way, just looking out somewhere, arms around Cris, and then, quite suddenly, he smiled. His eyes began to sparkle behind the long, dark lashes that were still damp with his tears. "Tanner and I talked about this a lot. It's like we were put together for a purpose, to help people, to help kids like us. And we said that if one of us was gone, the other would just keep on doing it." Cris continued kneeling next to Robbie now with one arm around him resting his hand on the back of the boy's neck as he stroked his hair. Robbie returned his head to its resting place on Cris's shoulder. Both of them remained silent for some time. Finally Robbie broke the silence with a deep sigh and quietly said, "It's just so lonely now." Cris tenderly placed his hands on the boy's head, lifting it so that he could look directly into Robbie's lovely eyes with all the compassion and love he felt for this wonderful boy. And Robbie responded with an equally honestly felt love and longing. This interaction was so intense that both of them remained completely captivated by this transcendental oneness. Finally Cris kissed Robbie on the nose and said in a whispered tone, "I know you can do this, Robbie, as maybe no one else could. And, yes, it will be a lonely road for awhile, maybe a long while. The three of us had talked about this, and you and Tanner talked about it together, too. You know the steps: first there is that deep pit of emptiness, but that slowly begins to fill up with many things, memories of the times you and Tanner had together, the work which you both began and which you plan to continue, all the new kids who have such a great need for love and support and direction, old friends, and new friends, and so much more. You are so young and have so much ahead of you to live for." Cris paused for a moment and then added, "Yet you have lived so very much already. You and Tanner had a wonderful and rich life together." Robbie smiled, "And Tanner was such an awesome gift to me and to everyone else. I really am thankful that we had these years together." Tears began to well up in Robbie's eyes again and ran down his cheeks. Cris gently reached over and holding Robbie's checks in his hands, wiped them away with his thumbs. Then he stood up. As he rose he grunted and commented, "My age sometimes gets to me in the knees, Robbie." Robbie laughed as he also stood. "Hah! You're in better shape than most of the guys I know, even some of those my own age, Cris." Then he looked at Cris with concern in his eyes. "Will we be able to meet again next week?" Cris smiled. "Of course we will. And every week. And you know you can call me anytime. We are going to take the next few months just as they come, but we will do it slowly and cautiously, helping each other along." Now Robbie laughed, "Like you need my help." He looked at Cris with a deep gaze for some moments before he continued. "But thanks for saying it anyway." Robbie did not know how deeply his own personal tragedy had affected Cris, renewing an unresolved turmoil within his soul. But in spite of being Robbie's friend, he was also his therapist. Aside from a few personal recollections that he used to help Robbie cope with all of this, it was something he did not yet feel free to share with the boy, already burdened as he was. Cris knew that Robbie, being such an empathetic person would not hesitate to take on himself Cris's own cares. Some day he would share his story with Robbie, but not now. Cris walked over to Robbie and put his arms around the boy whose full height came up slightly beyond his chin and gently said, "Robbie, your love and friendship mean more to me than you realize. You have helped me more than you can ever know. And I am not just saying it because it sounds so good. I mean it." Robbie smiled, gave Cris a warm hug in return and quickly kissed him on the lips. Then with a rapid yet fluid movement he just as quickly released him and headed out the door grabbing his gray hooded sweatshirt from the table as he passed. "I'll call you, Cris. Thanks for everything." With this Robbie called out, "Bye, Cris," as he shot through the door and down the stairs in his typical upbeat fashion to meet his mom who was parked on the street in front. Cris stood still a moment, peering out the windows at the roiling fog, pondering all that had happened in the recent months: Robbie and Tanner's inseparability; Tanner's diagnosis and rapid decline; Robbie and Tanner's amazing inner strength through the final weeks and days; the powerful memorial service that Cris, Chipper and Robbie, but mostly Robbie, had organized along with Gwen's and Cully's indispensable assistance; and now Robbie's new life, but this time without Tanner. Turning off the lights, Cris walked into the office kitchen to make some tea. As he did this he thought that he should make some plans to get away for the weekend. He could really use the break. Ten minutes later he entered his office carrying a tea tray, which contained a pot of hot Oolong, a huge mug, cream and plate with two tea biscuits. He put it on the side of the large dark oak table that served as his desk. He folded himself into the very comfortable leather easy chair in which he spent so much time, poured himself a cup of tea and woke up the computer to check his email. Most of the messages were not urgent, although he did answer a couple. He had found that if he put off responding to emails for even a day, they would snowball into a massive amount of not very enjoyable work later on, or alternatively he would forget to respond. Either way, not to deal with them daily would cause untold problems. Several other messages could wait, at least judging from who had sent them and their subject lines. He slowly sipped and savored his tea, warming his hands that encircled the hot, steamy mug. There were also three phone messages which he proceeded to listen to. Cris kept the phone ringer off whenever he was with clients. The first was from Chipper asking him if he wanted to drive up to Dillon Beach tomorrow, eat some seafood and hang out at her cabin, then come back on Sunday. 'Hmm,' he thought, 'that sounded pretty good. We could head back through Napa and pick up a few bottles.' He liked Chipper a lot. She was a good friend and a solid emotional support. Yes, that would be a good way to spend the weekend. The second message was a typically brief one from Robbie using his cell, probably as he and his mom drove across town to their townhouse in the Sunset District of western San Francisco. He thanked Cris for always being there when he needed him and said he would see him next week, but would call before then just to touch base. The third was from Aleksey Rothko. Alex must have called while he was making tea, since it followed Robbie's message. Cris put down his tea mug. 'Man, how very fucking coincidental,' he thought shaking his head. But, then again, Cris did not believe in coincidence. 'Hmm," he thought to himself.