Date: Sun, 21 May 2006 18:57:09 -0700 (PDT) From: Carmine Trust Subject: Dead To You 3 My sudden need of wanting to be close to this amazing creature left me a bit speechless. I was terrified. I have never felt or wanted to feel this close to anyone. And yet here I was with a freckly, pale, maybe 15-year-old boy on my arm. Still I wanted him closer and closer. I snuggled my face in that crown of gold. He whimpered something inaudibly. "Hmm?" "Nothing" "Whenever somebody says nothing I know that it's something." "It's nothing, really." I have the sudden urge, a huge burning desire, to do something. Anything. "Let's go for a walk." He looks up at me and I am lost in the blue. Speechless. I am about to do things I will regret and I know it. He turns his head the other way and says: "Okay. Where to?" "Dunno. Show me where you live." "Okay," he says very lightly. We start walking. I can feel his eyes on me from time to time. Looking at me. I don't know why he keeps looking at me. I'm nothing much to look at. I'm far from pretty. Why does he look? I look back sometimes and catch his eyes. I give him an amused sort of smile. He laughs at me and makes weird funny faces. I giggle. He starts making funny faces at random people. I start laughing. He turns to me and says that it's his "Hot" face." I laugh. We're in front of a building. It's an apartment building. "You live here?" "Yeah" "It's pretty small. How many people you got in there?" "My granny, my dad and me. My mom died a week ago." "Oh. Did you like her?" He looks up at me. I'm assuming that I said something stupid, but I don't know. I have no tact sometimes. "Well she was my mom, it doesn't really matter if I liked her or not. She gave me birth; a small part within me must have died with her." Now it's my turn to look amused. This innocent boy. I knew, at that moment, that he would be my beginning and my end; so much wiser than me. He would be my beginning and my end. And although I knew all that, although I knew that I could leave and never come back, that I could go back to my life and never think of the blue again; although I knew all that, I still put my hand on his shoulder and said: "Is anyone inside?" We go inside. I still feel him looking at me. Nobody has ever looked at me so much. It makes me feel nice and warm inside. The apartment is empty. My dad is down in a bar somewhere. He's been visiting bars and coming home drunk ever since mom died. He doesn't believe in God. He scares me sometimes. He makes me laugh sometimes when he's drunk and tells me amusing stories about his first girlfriend whom he calls "Witch". Suddenly I get scared when I think that I don't even know how I'm supposed to address the man I'm letting into my home. "Uhmm..What am I supposed to call you?" "George, it's George." "Oh." He smiles at me. I like it when he smiles at me.