Date: Wed, 27 Aug 2003 22:48:01 +0100 From: joshua Caddy Subject: for the times they are a changing 5 Legal Notice: The following story may contain descriptions of graphic sexual acts. These acts may be between a man and a boy. The story is a work of fiction and has no basis in reality. The author, or his designee, retains copyright to this story. There may be no reproducing or distribution of this story without expressed written consent. Thank you to everyone who has emailed their interest in my tale. It does make all the difference to know that people appreciate my efforts. Is love more important than lust? I hope so! I do sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter Once again thank you Adam for your deft correction of my appalling punctuation. joshuacaddy@lycos.co.uk Chapter 5 Ryan's departure was so sudden it left me stunned. One minute I had a warm, cuddly twelve-year-old boy sitting on my knee, asking that I kiss him. The next moment I had made an error monumental in its proportions. My insecurity with my feelings towards Ryan had caused me to reject his advances. How could I be so insensitive, self centred, so much like his parents! Why did I only think of myself? Why was my emotional retardation so important? So society would not accept the relationship that was developing between Ryan and myself, but surely I could! "So he's twelve so what! He knows what he wants, you're instigating nothing." I thought to myself. "You have upset him, rejected him, because that's what you have done, rejected a gift he wanted to give you! Fix it you pillock before things get any worse!" By the time I had come to my senses and dashed to the door after him Ryan had disappeared into the ether. As I stood in the garden calling his name the heavens opened. It was a monsoon style cloudburst typical of the British summer time, the sort that ends cricket matches on a regular basis. Within seconds I was drenched. Still shouting his name I wandered forlornly around the outside of the cottage hoping that he was hiding in a corner somewhere, just waiting for me to come and find him. This was not the case. Ryan had gone. There were only two courses of action available to me I could go inside and wait for him to return, if ever. The second was to go and look for him. The latter was the only option available. How could I just sit doing nothing whilst my boy was out there doing god knows what, god knows where, with god knows who. The stark realisation of love was assailing me for the first time in my life. It was not just a case of holding someone, buying them things, playing silly games with them, being near them, wanting them near me. Love was far more than this. Love was the anguish of them leaving, of caring more about their feelings than my own, of being able to endure anything on their behalf, enduring anything but their rejection. I had to find my boy! Dashing into the house I grabbed my car keys and went out to the Landrover. Despite the wet weather the faithful old beast roared into life first try. Then I was off, roaming the rain swept lanes of the village. My lack of local knowledge hindered my search. I had no idea where Ryan could have gone. This was compounded by the fact that I did not know Ryan. In the days since we met I had gained only a vague picture of his world. Round and round I drove for hours, getting more frantic with each passing second. Where was he? The only two things I knew for sure were that he would not have gone to his parents house - no way to get in, also he wasn't at my house when I left. I had been gone long enough that he may have returned? With this thought to the forefront of my mind I turned the Landrover around and sped back to my cottage. Hastily pulling on to the drive I switched the engine off and darted into the house calling his name all the way up the path. It only took me a few moments to realise that he wasn't there. At that point I gave into desperation and resting my head on the doorframe wept like the world had drawn to a close. Without Ryan my world had ended! The crash of thunder imposed reality on me again. He was out there in a storm and I was behaving like a gormless idiot. Pulling myself together I went out and began to drive around the village again. I decided that I had better widen my search and so took the main road out of the village towards Lincoln. In the gathering dusk I was beginning to think I had better return home and god forefend talk to his parents. As I was about to turn around I could just make out a figure in the distance. Getting a little closer my heart leaped into my mouth it looked like it could be, could possibly be, YES it was Ryan! Looking like a drowned rat he was trying to hitch a ride. As each car passed him he would put his thumb out. Thankfully no one stopped. Pulling up along side him I wound the window down. I don't think he realised it was me at first. "Please get in Ryan I need to apologise to you. I shouldn't have done that. Will you please give me chance to explain?" He ignored me and kept walking. Driving on a little further I stopped the Landrover and walked back towards him. As he reached me I held out an arm to stop him but he pushed past and kept walking. Jogging to get past him I again asked him to listen, again he barged past me. I tried repeatedly to get him to stop and listen, but he just kept walking. Eventually I could stand it no longer. I sank to my knees in front of him "Please listen; don't walk away from me again, please." My voice trailed off as he did pause and look down at me. In a husky whisper he said, "Thought you were different, you said you wanted me but you didn't. No one wants me." He went to move past me but I grabbed at him. Then he punched me in the face "Let go you bastard!" he shrieked lashing out again and again. His punches were fuelled with anger and rejection and despite their intensity I did not, could not let go. Eventually he fetched me such a crack that I fell back on to the pavement and lay there in the gutter looking up at him. I could feel blood beginning to trickle down the side of my face. As I gazed up at him I could see all the anger drain out of his face to be replaced by one of mortification. "Michael" "Michael I'm sorry. Why didn't you stop me?" "Because I deserved it," I mumbled. "You can continue if you want, I won't stop you, I wish I'd never hurt you. You mean everything to me!" My tears began to mingle with the blood forming a salty cocktail running down my cheek. Ryan knelt down beside me and put one small finger into the blood on my cheek. He gazed at it as though it were from a different planet. "You should've stopped me. I was so angry that you didn't want me, even though you said you did. I wanted someone, wanted you to want me." Then he began to cry. Huge saline globes cascaded down his cheeks. How I wanted to hold him, comfort him; tell him that everything would be all right. Would he let me though? I stared to reach one hand towards him but he turned away. "No, I hurt you, you don't have to, I'm alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The agony of Ryan, my boy was severing my heartstrings. How could I prove that I loved him beyond all things? He sat upon the pavement his thin t-shirt and shorts stuck to his lean little body. He looked so pathetic that I defy anyone who had seen him not to want to pick him up and cuddle him. "At least let me take you home," I offered. He nodded his acceptance so we walked back down the road to where I had left the Landrover. As we got into the front seats I could feel my eye beginning to swell so before I was incapable of driving I quickly turned the car around and drove back into the village. On reaching my cottage I turned into the driveway. "I thought you were taking me home?" Ryan muttered. "I have," I responded. He looked at me quizzically. "But this is your house!" "But it's your home if you want. You must choose where you want your home to be. I know what I would prefer, but as far as I'm concerned it's your decision." "But what about my parents, I live with them." "What's where you live got to do with where your home is?" I asked. "While you decide, let's go inside where it's warm." I could see that the wet clothes were beginning to make him shiver. We got out of the Landrover and went up the path to the backdoor. On reaching the door I stepped to one side and looked at Ryan. "Well?" "Well what?" "Are you going to unlock the door or are we both going to die of pneumonia on the doorstep?" With just a fraction of a smile his hand dove into a pocket and brought out the door key. He unlocked the door and offered me the key. "I'd better give you this back." "Why?" "You won't want me coming round any more after what I've just done to you." "Didn't you hear what I just said? That's your choice. Keep the key or throw it away, I'm not taking it back!" With a shrug of uncertainty he returned it to his pocket and went inside. I sat at the kitchen table unsure what to do next, what to say to make everything all right between us. Ryan stood in the corner trying to put as much distance between us as the kitchen would allow. "Aren't you at least going to come and sit down?" I enquired. He mumbled something in response but did not move. "Look Ryan.." I half rose to go to him but the action of rising made my head spin. I sank back onto the chair. "Ryan I'm...." The next thing I remember was my cheek pressed against the timber of the kitchen table. I could feel a hand upon my back and a cloth being pushed against the cut upon my head. Groggily, I started to sit up. I could feel an arm across my shoulders. As my eyes began to focus I could see Ryan's face close to mine. "Michael. Are you all right Uncle Michael I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please. I didn't mean to hurt you. On and on he went. Then I realised that the cloth he was pressing to my face was his wet t-shirt. Looking down I could see he was blue with the cold. Goose bumps covered his bare flesh and he was shaking. My boy had been out in the rain practically all day in just a thin t-shirt and shorts, all because of my thoughtlessness. "Stop it Ryan I'm the one who should say I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you but things were moving too quickly." Ryan must have seen my eyes start to loose focus again because I felt the pressure on the cloth increase and his hold on me increase. "Keep talking to me Uncle Michael please don't fall asleep again it too scary." Fighting to keep control of my senses I spoke about what he meant to me. How it upset me to see him hurt, how sorry I was for upsetting him. Eventually the flow of blood from my head stopped and my mind began to clear. Ryan was still looking at me holding me, pressing the cloth to me but his lips were beginning to turn blue! "Ryan you talk to me now tell me what I can do to make things right. You're so cold I've got to get you warm." What he said I could not make out his teeth were chattering so much. We made a pitiful looking pair as I led him upstairs to the bathroom. Starting the shower and running the bath I held Ryan in the water letting it get slowly hotter to gradually increase his temperature. When the bath had filled I turned the shower off and told him to lie down in the water. Once he was enveloped by the warm water I began to massage his arms and legs to get the blood to flow. After only a few moments the colour began to return to his face and he stopped shivering. I sat back on my haunches and looked down at him, under the water still wearing his shorts socks and trainers. "Don't we make a right pair?" I said with a rye smile. For the first time since finding him I got a glimmer of my Ryan as he smiled back at me. "Think I had better ring your parents to come and get you, I'm in no fit state to look after you." He grabbed my hand. "But you said it was my decision." "Yes but I can't look after you right now, can I? You need a meal and dry clothes and stuff and I feel like I just need to curl up and sleep, I'm no use to you at the moment." A look of exasperation came over him. "Stop trying to get shut of me. If my parents collect me who's going to look after YOU and what will they think we've been doing." Sitting in the bath making that statement I could have sworn Ryan had aged thirty odd years and become his mother. He sounded just Like Nick when she was in one of her mothering moods back at university (pity that they hadn't continued!) "Yes mum" I mumbled. Still looking pissed off with me Ryan got out of the bath and started to get undressed. I sat watching him as he stripped off his sodden trainers, peeled off his socks and rolled his shorts down his smooth hairless legs. As he removed his boxers he turned purposefully pointed his bum at me. Even now he was still trying to tempt me. How subconsciously I don't know. "My dressing gown's on the back of the door," I said struggling to rise. He unhooked the large green towelling robe from the back of the door and put it on. I could not help but smile when I saw how much it buried him. "Right you, bed." He said shoving me out of the door. The dressing gown trailed at his heals as he guided me into my bedroom. As I sat on the edge of the bed I was too tired to object when he started to undress me. Unable to protest, his nimble fingers soon had me down to my boxers. "Go on, get in." As he shovelled me into the bed I asked, "What about your parents?" "What about them I'll ring them and tell them I'm staying here with you tonight, they wont be bothered." "But." "But nothing." I don't remember if I heard the door close as he left or not. The next thing I remember is it being dark and something fluffy curled up next to me in bed. Someone shaking my shoulder eventually woke me. "Wake up, Uncle Mikey its time to get up." My face felt as though it had been pushed under a jackhammer. Turning over I heard Ryan gasp and a sob escaped his lips. "You're face, I'm sorry, so sorry, you must hate me." Peering at him through one badly swollen eye I said, "It feels like I've had a hippo sat on my face all night." I struggled to sit up. Ryan was crying his little heart out at the side of the bed. He had obviously been raiding my t-shirts again because he appeared to be wearing a light blue dress. Gently I reached out and drew his unresisting body to me. Holding him close to me I asked, "Do you forgive me?" His whole body shook as he nodded. We stayed together for some time, him resting his head upon my chest me stroking his tousled hair savouring the warmth emanating from his body. Eventually he looked up and tried to apologise again for hitting me. I put a finger to his lips and whispered, "It's forgotten." He nestled in close to me for a few more minutes until the temptation became too great for me. "Not only do you look and smell like a hippo but you've got the punching power of one as well." After delivering that line I could not look at him for fear of wetting myself. I could feel him giving me that look again. As if to say you rotten sod and all sorts of other things small boys are not supposed to say, particularly to adults. I'd got my boy back! Laughing I scooped him up into my arms holding the tip of my nose to his, I looked into the depths of his eyes. "So have you decided where home is yet?" "With you," came the answer in a very soft little boy voice. Then he kissed me upon the lips pressing his smooth warm lips into mine, letting our breath mingle as we became one again. Just as he began to break our union I very briefly ran the tip of my tongue across his lips. Then before he could see me cry I pulled his head to my shoulder and held him as tight as I could. "Please don't ever run away from me again. If I do something wrong stay and tell me. Please don't ever leave me like that again!" "Won't," came the muffled reply. As my tears subsided we separated and he sat across my legs holding my hands. "Well smelly boy there's no where I want to go to today how about you?" "Can we say here like this?" he asked. "If that's what you want." This said he slid into the bed beside me and wrapped his arm over my chest. We lay together enjoying having someone next to us when Ryan eventually asked, "Why did you stop me kissing you before?" I'd been expecting this, debating how I could explain my actions in a way that we both could understand. "Because things were happening too fast for me. You're not supposed to want to kiss me like you were." "But why when it felt so nice?" "Yes it did, but people don't expect us to do that sort of thing." "What's that mean?" How do you describe the difference between a paedophile and what I felt for Ryan? "Have you ever seen the news when someone's abducted or killed a kid?" "Yes" "And you know why some men do that sort of thing?" "'Cos their sick." "No, I mean what they do to the kids?" "What you mean is rape them and stuff?" "That's sort of what I mean. There are men out there who are attracted to kids and they hurt them so they will do what they want." "Yes but what's that got to do with me wanting to kiss you?" I thought I could lead him to the point where the realisation would hit him. Shit I had to spell out my dark secret and just hope he did not set off running again. I adjusted my position so that I could look into his eyes and taking a deep breath said, "People might think that I was trying to take advantage of you in the same way." "You mean they might think you're a paedophile or something?" "Yes" "But your not?" Moistening my lips with the tip of my tongue I said, "Not in the way they mean, but I am attracted to you in a way I shouldn't be." "Eh?" "I mean, I would like to do things with you that I shouldn't. But I would never ever hurt you or force you to do something you didn't want to do." Ryan looked a little puzzled then said "You mean you're gay?" Another milestone, "Yes." "Oh that's ok," he said in a matter of fact way snuggling up closer to me. "I don't mind." Ok I thought either I'm being obtuse or Ryan's just too young to understand what I'm trying to tell him, but he can't be, surly he grasped by now what I am. "So have you always like boys?" He asked such a devastating question in such an off hand casual manner that I didn't know what to say. So I decided to tell the absolute truth, unburden my soul and see how he reacted, I could do no more. "Yes I've always loved boys; I fantasized about having a boy to do things with for as long as I can remember. But that's all it's ever been a fantasy. I could never go through with it. I couldn't hurt someone I cared about." "You mean you want to have sex with a boy?" Put so coldly, so bluntly it made me feel sordid and dirty. It took a long time for me to build up the courage to answer, "Yes." "So why haven't you tried to have sex with me?" Once again he shocked me to the core. I sat up. "Ryan, do you know what you are actually saying?" Looking more than a little put out that I had dislodged him from his comfortable position across my chest he answered, "You know, like put your cock up my bum and stuff." "What?" "Well that's what gays do isn't it?" Where had my little boy gone? "Where did you learn about that?" "We did it in PSHE at school." Ok I could live with that, but to ask why I hadn't tried it on with him. "I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you, I couldn't, I wouldn't force you to do something like that." "But you said you fancied boys." "Just because I have these feelings doesn't mean I have to act on them." I was beginning to think that I was being psychoanalysed here by Freud or some other trick cyclist. "So don't you fancy me?" he asked, pouting a little. "I didn't say that did I?" "But what if I wanted you to?" Oh shit! Things were getting far too deep. Its one thing to have private fantasies but quite another to openly discus them. Particularly with the object of your desire. "I don't know." "But you said you loved me." Firmer ground here. "Love and sex are two very different things. You can love someone without having sex with them, without wanting to have sex with them." "But do you want to have sex with me?" he asked the million-dollar question again. "Even if I did I don't know if I could. I don't think I could risk loosing you. You're too important to me to upset, just to get my jollies for a little while. Ok?" "So you do love me?" "More than I can tell you." "But you won't have sex with me?" "I don't think either of us could cope with that right now. We just don't know each other well enough." "Ok," and with that Ryan snuggled back into me, kissed me on the cheek and threw his arm and leg over me. "Comfy?" I asked. "Mmmm," came the contented reply. After doing his impression of a Gestapo interrogator the little beast had gone back to sleep leaving me feeling as though someone had pulled all my insides out, washed them and put them back. Not necessarily in the right order. Still he now knew the darkest reaches of my soul. So I wasn't convinced he fully appreciated everything I had told him but he was still here, still in bed with me, still sprawled over the top of me sleeping peacefully. If nothing else he felt safe here with me and I hope loved. The more I thought about my boy the more I realised what a complicated person he was. With all these thoughts buzzing around my head I could do nothing more than snuggle down with Ryan and enjoy his company. It was some time in the afternoon when Ryan started bouncing up and down on top of me. "Come on get up you old git, I'm hungry!" Looking at him through bruised blood shot eyes, I responded, "You know where the kitchen is don't you?" "Yes, but I want you to make something for me. It tastes better." "You idle little git, stop trying to manipulate me," I said getting out of bed. "God I feel like crap," I declared to the world at large. As I staggered across the bedroom Ryan ducked under my arm and putting his arms around my waste supported me into the bathroom. "Go on you smelly old git get in that shower," he said, depositing me on the toilet seat. "Do you want me to wash your back?" "I think I can manage without the yard brush," I said. "No do you want me to really help you?" He asked earnestly. "I don't think that would be a good idea. I can see the headlines now, plus the fact I don't want to end up in a cell with someone called Bubba." "What'd you mean?" I really wasn't up to this at that moment. "Having you in the shower with me would be considered child abuse. The last thing I want is to have them stop me being with you." "But who's going to know?" "Someone would find out they always do." "So you don't want me then?" "For Christ sake Ryan, yes I do but I know I can't have you alright?" "Ok," he said with a little smile and trotted off out of the bathroom. I could understand how a fish felt on the anglers hook. It was like he was feeding me the bait and then hauling in the line. I had no Idea if he really wanted me in that way or he was just teasing. If nothing else it was nice having his undivided attention. Having finished my ablutions I returned to my bedroom to find Ryan sprawled on the bed in my t-shirt and boxers. "It looks like I'm going to have to get you some more clothes if I want to keep hold of my wardrobe," I commented sitting on the bed beside him and slapping his upturned bum. Rolling on his back he said, "Mum and Dad are sending me to boarding school at the end of the summer." "Do you want to go?" I asked as I rubbed his tummy through the overlarge t-shirt. "I wasn't bothered before, at least someone there might have noticed me. But now I'd rather stay hear with you." That he accepted his parents' casual disposal of him so easily showed how little they meant to each other. That he was hoping to find solace in a boarding school was rather disturbing. These institutions were noted for their austere atmosphere and strict regime. That he would find that preferable to living with his parents brought a lump to my throat. "In that case then Cinders thou shall not go to the ball and stay here with your wicked uncle." Ok, it was silly and I was mixing my pantomimes but how I delivered the statement with such conviction I don't know. It would be difficult to get Jerry and Nick to agree to Ryan staying with me, perhaps impossible. But I had to try for both our sakes. "I suppose I had better take you round to your folks and convince them that you should come and live with me." "Can't I stay here while you go and talk to them?" he moaned. "No it would probably be better coming from both of us. I think I have an idea that will convince them to let you stay here with me." End of Chapter five Your comments are most welcome joshuacaddy@ziplip.com