Date: Sun, 15 Mar 2009 12:19:01 -0700 (PDT) From: Jacques Longshore Subject: Gay Feelings Exposed / Chapter 4 / Part 1 / Installment 4 This a fictional story, based on a 100% true feeling. I write this story, in hopes that many males who read this -- can "finally" understand where their "gay feelings" may have come from, and why they feel this way. I do this, in hopes that others can benefit from my thoughts, and figure out what they are missing in life, and may be able to decide on how to fix things. From this, males may be able to better decide what to do about their "ill feeling" -- so they can start living a better life. This is Chapter Four, the fourth- of many more chapters, I plan on writing. ... I turn the vacuum off, and say, "You ready ?" I put the vacuum back in the closet, and walk quickly back to the bedroom -- where Tom has gotten all his clothes on by himself. Ted goes to his brother and says, "Come on, we get to spend the day with Jacques." We walk outside to the car, and our next stop - the Little Museum. ... Brrrnnggg ... Brrrnnnngggg goes my cell. "I'll bet that's Mom ..." Ted guesses. I pull my cell phone out of my pocket, and look at the caller id -- and it's not Michelle. I think, "That number looks familiar ..." so flip it open ... "Hello ?" "Mr Cowger ... this is Michelle at Dr Fisher's office. I apologize, but we tried to get a hold of you last night. I wanted to remind you of your appointment you have today at 11:00 am." Looking at my watch, I see it is now 10:30 pm. "Hmm ... " I think. "OK ... I'll see you in 30 minutes." "Hey boys ... I forgot I have to do something today - before we go to the Little Museum. OK ?" Expecting them to complain that our fun would be delayed ... I looked at them as serious as I could. Ted says, "That's ok ... as long as we get to stay with you ... I think Ted and I will be ok." "If we run out of time, before we get to Wakulla Springs ... we'll do that tomorrow." Ted says to Tom, "That way, we can spread our fun out. Otherwise, you and I would have been bored tomorrow." I sigh a big relief. I thought they were going to start wining ... and not stop, until we got home tonight. They surprised me with their maturity. "OK ... I'm glad you see it that way ... this will take about 30 -- 45 minutes. You can come in with me, and sit in the waiting room -- if you want." "We would love that." We get in the car, and drive to the doctor's office. "Are you seeing a doctor, because your sick ?" Ted asks. "No, not quite sick ... but I'm going to see the doctor -- to help me with a problem." We get to the doctor's office, and we all run inside. I go up to the reception window, and say, "I have an 11:00 am appointment with Dr Fisher." The receptionist says, "The doctor finished his last appointment a bit early, so he can see you now." I look at Ted, and see he is not sure what to do. I put my hand on his neck, and direct him over to where there are picture books -- and two chairs for him and Tom to sit. "Stay here, while I am gone. I'll be back as soon as possible." "OK. I see a book that I can read to Tom," Ted says. I walk into the doctor's area, and see the doctor sitting in an office area -- extending his hand to invite me to sit down. "How are you ?" "Fine, Doc. How are you ?" "Busy, busy, busy. Let's go ahead and get started." "I did some research for you, and we can discuss what I found." The doc and I sit down. "Good. After I left you last time, I happened to stumble into a friendship with these two young boys ... that their mom seems very supportive towards my spending time with her boys." "That's good. Before we start that, tell me more about the situation you had at home -- before you left." I try to slow my breathing ... I try to remember where we left off, during my first session. The doctor says, "Remember, you were telling me about the relationship you had with your dad." "Oh yeah. Well, it was very close, until my mom passed away ... and him remarrying so quickly ... him and I were close when I was a child, but not when I was in my teen years." "Go on." "Well, I remember he never taught me about sex. I didn't get any pubes until I was 15 ½, and then it was only 4 pubes. I had those until I was 16 ½. I honestly thought that everyone else grew up this way. My step-brother got his pubes at 13 ... and so I was teased by his mom `that I was abnormal' for those 3 ½ years. The doctor starts, "Ok. Let me tell you about the research I did for you. I think what you need to do - is establish a relationship with a younger male. I believe you feel inferior, or insecure, to other boys ... this close relationship will allow to see that all teens don't mature at 13 years-of-age. Become very close with your young friend. The closer, the better. Because of the way your step-mother treated you, you probably have built up a huge wall -- against anyone who may try to get close to you. You will have to tear that wall down, to start your healing process. It may seem hard ... but if you want to get over this ... this is what you'll have to do. With this younger male, I would like you to become very open. The more open you can be with this younger male, the better. What I would like you to observe ... is that when boys are children -- growing into teens ... there are a lot of maturation differences." I look at the doctor totally astonished. We remain silent, for what seems like eternity. "Oh yeah," the doctor continues, "One more thing ... this relationship can not include sex." He continues, "If you allow any sex into your friendship, you won't get over your insecurity problem." "Do you honestly think I could find such a friendship ... where this boy would be this willing to open up to me ?" "When boys are boys, if they don't already have a close relationship with their fathers, they are constantly looking for other males they can open to. As I said before, usually, it is with their fathers ... but, there are many boys who don't, for one reason or another, have fathers to be close to. These are the boys that would love to open up to another trusting older male, that they could rely on for. " "Oh wow, doc. That friendship I told you about ... The lady's husband passed away 2 years ago. Could the relationship with her boys, be what you are talking about ? "She's a widow ?" "Yeah." "What's her name ?" "Michelle." "She will need you to help her with her boys. I don't think a lot of mother's realize this, but there is no way mothers can teach their sons how to grow up to become men. That's where you can come in, and help her." "But remember ... don't allow this friendship to become sexual," the doctor says seriously. "I won't." "We still have 25 minutes ... do you have anything else you want to talk about ?" "No ... but can I count on you to help me with this close friendship with this mother's two boys ?" "Yes, I'd be happy to. Here is my cell ... (813) 360-XXXX ... Call me anytime you need to." "Ok, thanks. I will do just that." The doctor stands, and I stand. We shake hands, and I exit -- into the reception area. As I walk towards where Tom and Ted are, I hear Tom softly singing to his brother, each one holding the other's hands. I think, "I wish I was that close ..." I say, "Come on boys. Time to get out to the Little Museum." Both boys jump up, and beat me to the door. Ted and Tom open the door ... and together we walk through. We get in the car, and drive out to the outskirts of town -- where the Little Museum is. When we stop, Ted and Tom get out of the car -- even before I get the key out of the ignition. I can see Ted and Tom on the other side of the window, mouthing "Come On! Come On ! " I get out of the car, and Ted, Tom and I walk to the big barn where the Little Museum's tour starts. Ted says, "Let's get on the train." I walk up to the conductor, and ask "You give rides ?" "Yes, I do. I go all around the park." "What is the cost ?" "This is free," he responds. "Great." I look around to see where Ted and Tom are ... and I see they have climbed aboard the train. Ted is looking directly at me - smiling at me, from inside the train. I climb aboard, and join them -- sitting in the seat across from them. Both boys see me, and bounce seats across the aisle -- and sit down next to me. "Don't you guys want to sit by yourselves ?" "The train ride won't be that fun, then." Ted says. The train's conductor says over the loud speakers, "Make sure you are securely in your seat, as we will be starting our tour now." As he finishes, I can feel the train start to move. I also feel Ted and Tom loose their balance, and fall into my chest and arms. I realize the motion of the train -- must have caused their fall, so I firm up my muscles -- so as they grab on, they can feel more secure about not loosing grip. "Woah ... "Ted and Tom say. I start looking out the window at the barns going by. Ted and Tom go back to their original seats, and look out their windows. "If you will look to your right, you will see what used to be the US Post Office -- Wakulla Springs, back in the 1950's," the conductor starts. I say to Ted and Tom, "Come over here. You can see what he is talking about from my side." Ted and Tom scamper over to where I am, and we all look out the window. Ted says, "Wow. That used to be a post office ? It looks like a vacant house." Tom puts his hands on my legs, with the weight of his body being supported by his arms. I notice his movements, so I look at him, and I affectionately put my hand on his back -- rubbing a small area on his shirt. The conductor starts up again, "For those of you who would like to eat lunch, we will have food to eat, on the train, in about 15 minutes." I look at Tom and Ted, and say, "You guys hungry ?" Ted says, "We are always hungry." I laugh. We all go back to looking out the window, and see a big tree with plenty of shade coming up on our right. We feel the train slow down, and come to a complete stop. The conductor says, "Folks, this is where we will be stopped for 30 minutes. Feel free to grab a hamburger and drinks -- and go out to the picnic tables." Ted, Tom and I walk towards the luncheon table, and pick out three hamburgers and tree bottles of water. We walk out of the train, and to one of the picnic tables. It is shady, so we all grab a quick seat. The wind is barely blowing. Ted looks at me, and asks, "You know what ? We forgot to stop by our house to get our bathing suits." I reply, "That's ok ... we'll buy some new ones, before we get out to Wakulla Springs." I say, "See that squirrel ? He looks hungry." Tom looks around to where I am pointing .. and says, "Come here squirrel. I have some bread for you." He takes a piece of his sandwich, and balls it up ... and tosses it to the squirrel. The squirrel starts to run away, but realizes the bread is something for him. The squirrel slowly walks back towards the bread, sniffs it ... and carefully picks it up. He holds it to his mouth, and starts to nibble on it. Tom excitely looks at me, and says, "Look ... the squirrel is eating the piece of bread I threw him." I reply back, "Yes ... he sure is. Oh, look ... I think he may want some more." At that, Ted gets into things ... and takes a piece of bread from his sandwich, and rolls it up in a ball -- like his brother did. He tosses it past the squirrel, who starts to chase it. It lands past the squirrel, and the squirrel made it to where it landed on the ground, at the same time. He picks up this bread, and starts eating it. He eats it all, and sees something up in the trees. He immediately runs up one of the trees, and down the limb that extends out to where a nest is. As we all watch the squirrel get to the nest, Ted says, "I guess it was a she." Ted and I laugh. We all go back to eating our sandwiches. After I finish my sandwich, I get up, take my water bottle, and go sit down at the bottom of a huge oak tree. Tom and Ted are soon to join me -- one sitting on either side of me. They sit down on my extended legs. "How do you guys like it out here ?" Tom and Ted don't answer, they just settle back with their heads on the sides of my chest. I put my arms around both of them, and think about how much these kids are "growing on me." We sit like that for about 10 more minutes. Out of nowhere, our thoughts are interrupted by the conductor -- who says, "All AAAAbbbboooaaaarrrdddd !" Ted, Tom and I scurry to get off the ground. We all clean up after ourselves, and go back to the train. Ted climbs in first, and says, "That was fun." Tom chides in with a "Yeah ... it sure was." After we climb in, and find our seats ... the train starts to move ... and we are on our way back to the main house. For the next 10 minutes, Tom, Ted and I are all resting on the train with our eyes shut. We hear the conductor say, "Thank you all for spending some of your Saturday, with me at the Little Museum. When the train stops, slowly and carefully gather all your belongings, and exit the train. We have a gift shop, where you can get some nice souvenirs. " I look at Ted, who looks at me with a "Nah ... I think I'll pass." After we off the train, we walk to our car. Ted asks, "Now where are we going ?" I say back to him, "You don't rememeber ?" Ted says, "Yeah ... but I wanted to see if you remembered." I look at Ted with affection ... and place my hand on the back of his neck -- rubbing my bare fingers slowly down the bare skin of his neck. We all get in the car, and I say, "Now we are off to Indian Springs." Ted asks, "What will we do there ?" I reply, "You'll see." It takes us about 20 minutes to drive to Indian Springs. Indian Springs is a very secluded recreational park. Ted says, "I think this used to be a camp for kids." I say, "Yeah, I think so too. When I was your 11, I spent a summer here, for the day-camp ... and then the following year, I was here for 2 weeks, and it was an overnight camp. I can still remember some of those things." "Come on ... let's walk around," As we start walking together, Ted and Tom simultaneously put their small little hands right into my hands. Ted says, "Our dad used to let us hold his hands like this ... I hope you don't mind." I reply, "By no means -- do I mind." We walk out to where a big pond is, and sit down on the ground -- just at the water's edge. Several birds are diving into the water, only to surface a few feet away. "Wow !" Tom says. "What are the birds doing ?" I answer, "The birds are catching fish. They circle over the water, looking down at the fish swimming at the surface of the water. When they think they can catch something ... they dive into the water." "Oh ..." Tom says. Ted has found some small pebbles that he is tossing into the pond. "Ploop" go the pebbles as they hit the water. I look at my watch, which now says the time is 3:35 pm. Ted sees me, and asks, "Is it time to go already ?" Laughing, I say, "No ... I just wanted to know how close to the end of the day we were." "We can stay here until evening." Ted says, "Good ... `cause I'm pooped." With that, he lays down on the ground. Tom seeing his brother, also lays down. Figuring I'd do the same ... I lay back, too. We are all looking at the trees. Ted points to the left, and says, "There's that squirrel, again. I wonder if he followed us ?" I say, "No ... I think that is just another squirrel. It may be his brother, though," I offer jokingly. Tom says, "I am so tired." As he says that, he rolls over closer to me, and puts his arm over my chest. Ted sees that, and he also rolls over -- placing his arm across my chest. At that point, I reach down and place my hands at the smalls of their backs. Ted says, "Hmmmm ...," as he snuggles closer to me. I run my hand from the small of his back, up around to his side -- right to where his shirt sleeve dangles loosely on his arm. Ted says, "Hmmm ... that feels so good." We all close our eyes, and can hear the sounds of water trickling, as the pond's water moves slowly around. Slumber starts to overtake all of us, as we are stretched on the ground -- right at the edge of this pond. 2 hours later, and one of the grounds-keepers comes up to me -- and nudges my shoulder. "The park closes in 10 minutes. I noticed the 3 of you have been still for the past 2 hours, so I figured you fell asleep. I wanted to let you know that we will be closing in 10 minutes." The boys haven't even show signs of awakening. Groggily, I thanked him. As the boys continue their slumber nestled into my sides ... I gently and slowly rub across their bums. "Hey guys ... you awake ?" Ted goes, "Hmmm ... yeah." Tom makes no sound. I say to Ted, "They are going to close the park in about 5 minutes. I think we need to go." Ted raises his arm, and lightly taps his brother. "Hey ... we got to get up." Tom stays snuggled on my chest, and says, "Why ?" "Because they are going to close the park." "Hmmm ... ok." I let the boys get up, and then I get up. We all start walking towards the car. It now being 5 pm ... we don't have enough time to get out to Wakulla Springs. So, I say to Ted, "Tomorrow, we'll go swimming .. ok ?" Ted and Tom go, "Yeah !" I open the doors for each Ted and Tom ... and they climb inside the car. After we get back to the condo ... I walk them to their door -- to see if their mom has gotten home yet. "Knock, knock, knock ... " We wait for about 3 minutes ... and no one answers the door. "Guys ... let's go back to my condo ... and we can call your mom from there." "Ok," and we all run back to the elevator. We wait for the elevator doors to open, and then we all run back to my condo. Huffing and puffing ... Ted gets to the door first. He looks behind him, and Tom runs right into him. As I get to the door ... I see Tom and Ted playfighting on the carpet. "Hey guys ... don't hurt each other." "I wasn't ... he ran into me." I quickly get my key out, and open the front door. The boys run inside ... and plop down on different couches. They change the channel to Tiny Toons. "I am going to call your Mom. I will check to see what time she is planning on getting home," I remind both boys. I get out my cell phone, and speed-dial her work number. She doesn't answer, so I leave a message letting her know that her kids and I safely got home. I told her what we did today, and asked her to call me when she got the message. I hang up, and look out to where Ted and Tom are ... and they are sitting side-by-side on the long couch, watching Sponge Bob Square Pants. I walked out to where they were, and told them I called their mom ... and left a message. Ted says, "Ok." He scoots over, and says, "Come sit between us." I gladly take a seat between the two boys. We all lay back together. I put my arms around their backs ... and snoogle them in close to me. Tom says, "I got to use the bathroom." I point to where it is ... and he quickly leaves. Ted says to me, "You are a lot like our dad. You're about as tall as he was, but you're a lot smarter." "What makes you think that ?" I ask. Ted doesn't answer my question, but comes closer to me, and gives me a hug. "Dad used to let us kiss him ... Can I kiss you ?" he asks. I don't say anything, but bring his head up closer to my cheek. Ted licks his lips, and plants a big sloppy kiss on my cheek. "Gross," I say. He answers back, "Tom gives grosser kisses." I chuckle. "How do you know that ?" "I just do." Tom comes back from his trip to the bathroom. "Did I miss anything ?" Ted looks at me, and then at his brother, "Nope." As we are all getting comfy on the couch again ... my cell phone goes off. I look at the Caller ID, and see it's Michelle. I put her on speaker, and put the cell phone down on the table. "Hello, Michelle." "Hi Mom," both boys say. "Hello. Did you guys have fun ?" "You bet we did, Mom. We had fun ALL DAY !" "I am glad you did. I am going to need longer at work - than I thought ... so you can either stay where you are, or go home." "We want to stay here." "Ok, boys. Be good boys -- and I will see you in the morning." "Bye Michelle" "Bye Mom." Ted and Tom get up ... and I hear them go down the hall. About 3 minutes later, Ted and Tom reappear and say, "Tom and I are ready for bed ... can we come back out to watch some more tv ?" While they were gone, I switched the tv to more of an adult program ... and I say, "Sure." They both climb back on the couch ... but instead of sitting on the couch, they sit on my legs. I look down, and they are both are in their underwear. I think to myself, "Oh no ... " I grab the remote, and switch the tv back to the Tiny Toons channel -- trying to avoid getting an erection. Ted readjusts himself, and puts his hand right in the spot between my crotch and my inner leg ... and pushes lightly ... and then says, "Ouch. Ok ... that feels better.: I look down, and notice that there was a buldge in my pocket. I feel around, and find my car keys. That must have been what was uncomfortable to Ted. I take the car keys out, put them on the table ... and Ted says, "Much better." "Sorry about that bud ..." I say. "Sor right," Ted teases. I put my hand on his back, and softly rub his oh-so soft bare skin with my fingertips. Ted says, "That tickles ... but it feels so so good. Keep doing it." The other brother, Tom, points his finger over his shoulder. Not wanting Tom to feel left out, I also give him a light fingertip rub. Tom has a shiver. "Don't stop ... that feels good." I look up to the tv, and continue giving both boys a light fingertip-touch back message. Both boys start making light cooing sounds. I wonder to myself, "I wonder if this is how their dad felt this great -- to be the father of these two great boys ?" Ted shows signs of getting sleepy , and lays down on his side -- so I can continue giving his back the attention he so much loves. Tom says, "Hey bro ... I am going to bed ..." Ted answers back, "I'll be there in a minute." "Ok," Ted answers back, and walks down the hallway to the guest bedroom. I start getting paranoid. "I am alone with a 12-year-old, who is just about to hit puberty. I remember so many good pre-pubertal jack-off sessions." Doc said this friendship with these boys was fine ... just no sex. As I think this, I start to get an erection. "OMG" Ted says, "Are you getting a boner ?" I gulp, and say, "Yes, but I randomly get those anyway." Ted responds, "So do I." And he uprights himself. "Can I ask you something ?" "Sure, buddy." "I hear around school that guys make their thingies hard, and rub them ... and have a great feeling. Do you know what they may have been taking about ?" I gulp again, and calmly answer, "Yes I do. Your 12, and about to part out on a great adventure into life. Within the next 2 -- 4 years, you are going to experience puberty." "Yeah, Dad was about to tell me about that, too." Continuing, I say, "Puberty is where your body will makes changes in the way you look. It won't happen all at once. Muscles will start getting bigger, you will start getting taller, and ... " and I take a bigger gulp, "your thingy is actually called a penis." Ted says, "Oh, yeah ... I couldn't remember what it was called." With the ice broken, I continue, "I think your friends were referring to, when you rub your penis, up and down, for a few minutes, you will get a warm feeling. After the warm feeling, you will feel very relaxed." "I have tried that, but I never got a warm feeling." "You may not have done it long enough." "Anyway, all boys are able to have a warm feeling since they get to be about 6-years-old. Sometime during puberty, your body will change the way your penis works ... and make it so your penis `spits' out cum. Cum is what can make a girl pregnant." "That sounds like something that would feel great. Do you think I can cum, yet ?" "OM double G," I think to myself. I say back to Ted, "Well, that depends on your body. I don't know if you have been comparing yourself to other boys your age, but everyone grows up differently. Some guys your age, can produce cum ... but most boys your age, can only have dry cums. Dry cums are good warm feelings your body makes, after so much rubbing." "Can you help me ?" I think, "Well, he is asking ... and I would love to help him produce a dry cum ... But the doctor said, `No sex.' I don't quite understand why ... but he may know something, that I don't even realize." "I can explain it to you," I offer to Ted. "Ok." "When you go to bed, you will want to get as comfortable as you can. It will feel best, if you go to bed naked. After you climb in , lay on your back. Under the covers, somehow, give yourself an erection. Have you ever measured yourself ?" "Yeah ... it's about 3 ½ inches." "You are at normal length, for you age." "Anyway, you will want to start massaging your erection with one or two fingers and your thumb. Do that until your body takes over the motions. At the end, you will feel a warm feeling in your erection. Afterwards, you will fall straight to sleep." "Really ?" "Yes. This feeling is called an `orgasm.' It is the best feeling one can have." "Yeah ?" "Yes." "Ok ... I am ready to go to bed. Can you walk me back to the bedroom ?" "Sure." Ted and I get off the couch together. Ted asks, "Can you carry me ?" I put my hands at his armpits, and pick him up. I put on my left side. I think, "I can feel his 3 ½ inches jabbing against my side. OMG." Ted and I walk back to the guest room, where I gently put him down ... I say, "Goodnight bud," and spank him on the bum -- as he runs to his bed. He whispers back, "Goodnight. Thanks for the information." "You are sure welcome." I walk back to the family room, where the tv has the closing minutes of "Jay Leno." I sit down, and start to think, "Did I do right ? I didn't have any sex, as the doctor said." I mull over the past few minutes that I had been giving Ted the information he asked for. About 15 minutes later, and I conclude it is normal for boys Ted's age, to ask an older male for this kind of information about sex. Because no sex was involved, I also figure it normal that I gave him the sexual information he was asking for. I walk back to the bedroom, and look inside. I hear light snoring. I smile, and walk back to the living room. I think, "If I can only keep up the giving him `only' information ... I think this will work."