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This is the first of a two part story. This first part describes the awakening of a boylover from childhood to adulthood and how he realised the nature of his sexuality and coped with it. The second part describes his first deliberate seduction of a boy, and contains sexually explicit scenes.

This is a work of fiction. None of the events or people described are real - including the narrator.

My First Grooming

By villager@hush.com

Many people reading this will be homosexual paedophiles like myself. Though I prefer the term "boylover" as I suspect you do. I thought it might be fun to describe my awakening into that condition and the first time I seduced a boy.

The realisation that I was a boylover came slowly over the course of more than two years. Puberty for me began just before my twelfth birthday. By that age I had some knowledge of sex, but only in a biological way from sex education at school and in a smutty way from playground jokes and what other boys my age were saying. I knew sex was the method by which babies were made when a man inserted his penis into a woman's vagina and deposited his sperm, but had never thought about it in any detail. I thought of it in the same way as I thought about how volcanoes worked or why a light-bulb lit up. Interesting scientific facts of no particular relevance to myself except to regurgitate during class tests and exams. I did not know, for example, how a man might go about depositing his sperm. I assumed that a husband and wife would simply decide to have a baby, at which time the necessary biological function would be carried out for that purpose and the man would have somehow learned how to squirt some sperm into the woman - probably like taking a piss or something. I did not think that it would be carried out for any other reason than to make a baby or at any other time - it was something that a person would do only a few times in their life whenever they decided to increase the size of their family. This was in a time before the Internet and other technology had made hardcore pornography widely available, and so I had never seen sexual activity except as line drawings in a biology text book. I did not associate it with "falling in love", which I had also heard about, and which I knew involved hugging and kissing and other yucky things that I didn't really see the point of.

Conversely, I was interested in looking and touching other kids' genitalia, both boys and girls, and had played my share of "doctors and nurses" type games. I just never made any connection between my enjoyment of such games and what I knew about sex. In fact, I'm not really sure whether my interest had any sexual element in my early years, or whether it was simply curiosity at seeing parts of the body that are normally hidden and forbidden - though I certainly had a different feeling than I had when, for example, I took clock apart to see how it worked. And I was also more interested in boys' equipment that girls' equipment, which I decided at that young age was because there was more to see and play with on a boy. So probably something more that simple curiosity but less than sexual desire.

Several changes began just before I turned twelve. I noticed that my penis had increased noticeably in size, though as yet there were no pubic hairs. I was quite proud of that fact, and persuaded several of my friends to compare sizes - an activity that I enjoyed a lot without wondering *why* it was enjoyable, though in retrospect it is obvious that my interest was by that time sexual. Then came the fateful bath. I was relaxing in the warm water before bed time, daydreaming as I usually did and absently playing with my penis, something I had been doing more and more frequently. I recall that my daydream turned to thinking about my best friend, who was about my age, and how we had examined each others willies the last time he had come to my house to play. While lying in the bath, I began to masturbate to that image without knowing anything about masturbation or what I was doing - I only knew that rubbing my dick in the way I had just discovered was really nice. I felt that it was building up to something, but my first orgasm came as a complete surprise. It was dry of course. Although I had no idea what had just happened, it did not worry me in the slightest and I decided that I had discovered something really great.

Over the next few days I began to put two and two together in my head and worked out the missing details about sex for myself. What a wonderful discovery! I could not wait to tell my friends about it. I am an only child, but some of my friends had older brothers and I soon learned that I was far from the first person to discover such a wonderful secret. Naturally some of my friends were keen to try it out, and I was keen to show them, and it was a marvelous time of many mutual masturbation sessions. Over the rest of that school year I and many of my friends started to produce semen and grow dark hairs, and we all marveled at the changes to our bodies.

After about nine months however, I started to realise that I was different. Most of my friends were not nearly as keen as I was to engage in mutual masturbation, and while they were perfectly happy to have a group wank, they mainly preferred to masturbate themselves rather than be tossed off by anyone else. They were also starting to think of girls, and would fantasise about having intercourse. I went along with it and pretended to feel the same, but knew that it was boys that turned me on rather than girls. By that time I knew about homosexuality, and was rather horrified to realise that I was gay. Something that I covered up as soon as the realisation hit me, and I stopped trying to persuade my friends to let me wank them apart from one boy who was just as interested in doing it as myself - as well as a few more adventurous things that I would not dare to suggest to any of my other friends. Neither of us admitted even to each other that we were "queer".

I not only realised that I was homosexual, but also knew that I was more attracted to the younger looking boys than the more mature looking boys. But as at that time there were plenty of young-looking boys of my own age, I did not think that I was any more than "normally" homosexual. Sure, I found I was turned on by boys younger in age than myself, but as I was also attracted to many of my own age who were easier to associate with, I had only passing thoughts about those younger boys and was content to be restricted to my peers with whom I had easy access. I assumed that my interest would change to older boys as I myself grew older.

But as I and my classmates grew, I realised that I had become less and less interested in sexual activities with my peers, and had started to look longingly at the boys in the classes below mine. At first I cultivated a few friends in the lower years and taught them about wanking, and was rewarded with a number of mutual masturbation sessions. But I soon became aware that my classmates were looking at such friendships as being abnormal and I began to hear snide comments and innuendos - not about sex but about me being "a baby" for playing with the younger kids. Even my mother remarked that some of the friends I was bringing home seemed "a bit too young" for me. And so it gradually dawned that I was not a "normal" homosexual and that I would have to be very careful how I behaved in future. At that time the word "paedophile" was not in general use, and sex with children was not something widely thought about at all, so I was lucky that nobody realised during the time I was being so imprudent about my associations.

My first method to overcome the suspicion was to associate as much as possible with boys my own age who had younger brothers. That was not all that successful, because younger brothers were discouraged from hanging around with an older group, and so I had to pretend to be as annoyed as everyone else when parents forced one of my mates to look after a sibling. And even when the younger boy accompanied us I could not interact with him too much without it being thought strange, and none of the group thought it "right" to do anything sexual with or in front of the younger boy, so opportunities were rare. Nevertheless there was once a situation that occurred quite fortuitously that I was able to take advantage of in order to be alone with one of my mates' young brothers overnight without it being thought strange or suspicious. It was a wonderful experience that I may write about sometime, but was marred by days of worry afterwards that the boy may have told his brother or parents. Fortunately it appeared that he had not - and on the contrary the boy approached me a week or so later and actually initiated sex without any move on my part, also making it clear that he did not want it to be discovered. That eased my worry, and for several months thereafter the boy and I enjoyed many secret liaisons which nobody suspected. Until his family moved away, and I was once more left with no sexual outlet except for my hand.

Shortly after I turned fifteen, I realised that once again I was being regarded as "odd" by my peers. This time it was because they had all by that time had a girlfriend (or succession thereof), while I had not formed any intimate friendships with the opposite sex at all. As is natural, my friends were all asking each other how "far they had got" on their various dates, and there was much boasting about the sexual activities they had persuaded their girlfriends to indulge in, and a fair bit of insulting banter about how I had had no similar experiences. At the time I believed all their stories, though now I realise that they were almost certainly all imaginary. As soon as I became aware of the whispers and innuendos that I might be "queer", I decided that I would have to get a girlfriend no matter how disinterested I really was. I very cynically hit on a very plain and rather plump girl who was ignored by all the other boys. As expected, she was overjoyed to join her peers in having a boyfriend, and she was in fact regarded with some jealously by other girls, because while not being an Adonis, I had been more lucky than most in not breaking out in adolescent spots, and was far from being regarded as an undesirable catch.

Fortunately the girl was more interested in having me as a status symbol than anything more, and so while I had to endure the occasional public kissing and hugging when we all went out as a mixed group to show everyone that we were "an item", and sometimes I'd dance with her at a rare school function, she did not otherwise demand intimate activities and did not appear to think it odd that I had never "tried anything" with her. In fact she told me that she was lucky to have a "real gentleman" as a boyfriend, because her friends were always telling her how they had to fight off unwelcome advances. I suspect that she was a bit "butch" in fact, and probably had as much interest in heterosexual sex as I did. Naturally I made up a lot of bullshit when with my mates, and as far as they were concerned I was having sex regularly with her. Such bullshit sessions usually ended up with a group wank, which was enjoyable even if not completely satisfying to a person who craved to be carrying out such activity with boys who had far less body hair and no acne.

I discovered one unexpected bonus of having a girlfriend. She would occasionally be called upon to babysit for the offspring of her mother's friends. Pretending to my friends that I was doing so because it was a great opportunity to have sex, I accompanied her on her babysitting jobs when I knew that there were boys involved. For her part, my girlfriend was content to sit munching snacks and watching the TV while I entertained the kids, and did not appear to think it strange that I volunteered to get them bathed and/or tucked into bed and took such a long time doing so. Not that I did anything significant with those boys. Most were younger than my preferred age range, and there was no way I could trust them not to say anything had I tried something. I well remembered my days of worry with my mate's brother, and was not prepared to go through that again. So the most I "got up to" was perhaps the nice sight of a naked boy if the pre-bedtime situation allowed, a bit of cuddling, sometimes an "accidental" grope, but mostly just material to fuel my masturbatory fantasies with acts that I would never consider carrying out in real life.

As I have said, this was a time before the hysteria has started regarding sex and children, and my wariness was due to knowledge that such behaviour would merely be considered abnormal by my peers and I would be ridiculed and ostracised. But by my final year in high school I had begun taking an interest in the media, and was shocked to read accounts of men being put in prison for doing things that I had done and would like to do. The realisation that sex with young boys was not only taboo, but also a serious crime dawned.

After high school, I went to a college in a distant city and lived away from home for the first time. At first it was daunting and lonely to leave all my friends and familiar places behind, but that was soon overcome by the excitement of being unsupervised and free to join in the excesses of my new college friends. Sex plays a large part of college life, but it was easy for me to pretend that my disinterest in joining in with the sexual promiscuity was the same as several of the other students - I had a girlfriend in my home town who I was remaining faithful to. Which was not even that great a lie, because I had indeed gone through a tearful farewell with my girlfriend of convenience and we phoned each other occasionally. Not that I had any serious intention of continuing that relationship - I was well ready to move on. Exactly where I would be moving on to in that department was however a mystery that I did not think about too deeply. My studies and college social life kept me plenty occupied.

That first year of college is a hazy recollection of exhausting late nights. If I was not sat at my desk in the early hours of the morning, fervently writing an assignment that I always left to the last minute to start, it was spent in bars and clubs getting too drunk to stand with my college mates. My only sexual partner was my right hand.

As I relaxed during the end of term holiday after that first hectic year, I began to develop a sexual frustration. Oh how I longed to be able to have a sexual relationship with someone I loved - but the only people who I could love in that way were forbidden to me. I was of course by that time far too old to associate openly with young boys without raising eyebrows. I was however very aware that forming such an association would be easy if it were not for the way that it would be viewed by society. I seemed to attract young boys wherever I went. I realise now that the reason was because I naturally interacted in a way that made the boys realise that I was genuinely interested in them, even if they had no idea that the interest was based upon a sexual desire. To have a person my age interested in a person their age was very flattering, and they lapped it up. And my interest was not only sexual - I also just liked being in the company of young lads even knowing that nothing significantly sexual would or could take place. To woo such company, I began frequenting places where young boys gathered but where a youth my age would not appear out of place. Pinball arcades, swimming pools and fun fairs. The arcades had the advantage that the boys were unlikely to be accompanied by their parents. I varied the places I went to and they were all far enough away from where I lived that I would not be recognised, and so I was not too concerned about being seen surrounded by boys - and surrounded I invariably was. Mostly I was content with just enjoying their company and basking in the natural adoration of a pre-adolescent boy toward a man in his late teens, but I could not resist making mild sexual advances on the occasional times when the opportunity arose, and though they never led to anything they taught me a great deal about the various types of boy and how they would react.

One thing that I would do for example would be to follow a boy who I had befriended into the gents when he wanted a pee. While chatting to the boy, I would let him enter first and choose a urinal. My conversation with the lad provided a cover enabling me to defy "urinal etiquette" and casually take the receptacle next to him without it seeming odd. My purpose was of course to get a look at his penis as he urinated. I discovered something about boys by doing that. Some boys were shy and would go to a stall instead of a urinal, or make very sure that they hid their penis from view. Others were simply oblivious to the situation. But there was a third group, and they were not uncommon, who would look across to sneak a look at me as soon as I took out my penis. By experimentation I discovered that it was often possible when encountering such a boy to play a silent game of, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." When the boy glanced across at me, I would briefly but obviously turn slightly toward him and remove my hand to give him a good view before hiding my dick from his gaze, then pointedly look down toward the region of his penis as if to say, "Your turn". Usually I was rewarded by the boy performing a similar movement to allow me a better view. If that happened I would once again give him unrestricted sight and we would remain openly looking at each other's dick. Often we would stay at the urinal for many seconds after we had finished peeing, just looking at each other's equipment. Nothing was ever said, and eventually we would zip up and leave the toilet as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. Due to the fact that I varied the venue for my "boy hunting", I would rarely see the same boy twice, and was far too wary to attempt a relationship or to do anything more than I have described. But I was almost unconsciously trying to figure out how I might safely be able to take things further.

In those days "grooming" was something that hairdressers and monkeys did. It was a word that was unknown in the context of sex. A lot of rubbish has since then been spouted about the subject, and paedophiles have been endowed with almost magical powers over children. In reality the seduction of a child requires no innate talents and follows naturally from the desire to have consensual sex - just like the seduction of an adult. The methods are usually self-taught by trial and error. It does however have several considerations that people beginning an adult relationship have no need to worry about, and those result in a few differences in how it is approached. The first is that the child will have no idea of what you are trying to do or where it is all leading. That means that a boylover will get no early feedback whatsoever as to whether his advances are being accepted or rejected. What would be interpreted as an acceptance from an adult to proceed to the next stage may simply mean that the boy is not willing to tell an adult what he may or may not do even if he does not like it, or that he does not understand that allowing a certain act to take place or even obviously enjoying it could be interpreted as a green light to go further. It is therefore necessary to look for signs of active participation rather than mere passive acceptance, and be aware that just because the boy likes participating in the first stages of sexual activity does not mean that he will like the next stages - he does not know in advance what to expect.

Thus the prudent boylover will not make any overt first moves at all, he will simply provide opportunities for the boy to do things that are normally forbidden, after which the act can be reciprocated and enhanced to give hints and guidance. The second and most obvious difference is the need to hide the nature of the relationship from other people and to ensure that the boy understands the need for secrecy before doing anything illegal. The third is how the relationship is begun, because obviously there are no clubs or other places where adults and children go to meet each other, and adults are not expected to start chatting up children they have never before met. And lastly the sort of activities carried out while building a relationship are very different to those used by a man to seduce a woman. Boys find nothing attractive in candlelit dinners, snogging in the back row of a cinema or dancing. Those special considerations require a bit of ingenuity to overcome, and different boylovers have come up with different ways to do so, some more successful than others.

In the next part I describe the very first time I "groomed" a boy - not that I knew that the process would ever be given a name at the time.

End of Part 1 (of 2)