Date: Sat, 18 Nov 2006 17:35:27 -0800 From: fritz@nehalemtel.net Subject: I Love Corey, Chapter 89 You know the drill. That means if you don't belong here, leave. At the risk of being redundant, that means all you minors, or people who become upset with the descriptions of gay sex acts, or those who live in areas where the reading of this story is prohibited are the ones I'm telling to leave. To think that I can somehow see through the Internet and tell if you are among the described groups is silly, so I can't help you decide and you will have to make up your own mind as to whether or not you fall into any of the mentioned groups. Therefore, it is on your shoulders if you get caught and in trouble. Don't blame me; I'm only the writer. Moving along, this story is fiction. That means that any resemblance to persons living or dead, or to any acts that may have taken place is accidental and was not intended. If you think differently, then you are wrong. Bless Don's heart. His help is invaluable and you need to remember him in your prayers. I do. As usual, any comments, suggestions, questions, or complaints may be directed to "fritz@nehalemtel.net" Who knows, I might even answer them. I'll even put you on the chapter notification list if you request it. With that said, I hope you enjoy the following chapter. Fritz ************************************************************************ I Love Corey, Chapter Eighty-nine "I need you to tell the hospital to allow me to bring David home if he's willing to come with me. I don't want them to say anything about it, I want to spring it on him cold turkey. I've got the afternoon free and I'll head his way in a few minutes. Do you think you can arrange that Judy?" "What do you have in mind?" Judy asked. "Maybe I'm wrong, but I think everyone's been pressuring him and he's flat scared. I'm going to see if he'll come home with me and maybe then he'll decide to open up to us. I know you're going to be gone next week, but I just heard from Jerry and the school won't be open next week, so that gives me time to work on him. When you get back, hopefully I can have enough information so you can decide what to do with him." There was a long pause before she said anything. "Sam, that's highly irregular. We haven't been able to check and see if he has parents who want him back." "I know, but unless you get some information, how will you be able to check? He can stay in the hospital for the next week and when you get back you can try to pry it out of him, but I don't see that you're going to be able to do that while at the seminar," I replied. "So it looks to me like you won't be any further ahead by leaving him in the hospital, and you might be if I can get any information out of him." "I don't know, all those boys and your family, they might overpower him." "Since you're leaving tomorrow, what did you plan on doing with him while you were gone?" I asked. "Just lying in the hospital for the next week won't help him. As for the boys, maybe when he sees them he will start to feel comfortable enough to talk. It isn't like I torture them all the time." I could hear Judy snicker as she thought about that. "Better watch out Sam, I'll have you up on child abuse charges. I've seen how you force them to eat all that food," she giggled. "That alone ought to get you twenty years." She giggled a little more and then said, "Maybe you're right. Seeing all the boys and how they act might be the best thing in the world for him. I'll tell the hospital that if he wants to go with you, you have temporary custody. How's that? We can sort it out when I get back. I'll even drop off the papers when I bring Andrea over. He needs some clothes, so keep track of your receipts as usual. If anything comes up that needs a decision, talk to Marcie. She'll be in charge while I'm gone and she should be home by Sunday. "The only other thing I can think of is you'll probably have to set up doctor appointments locally. Probably Dr. Logan would be best, but use your own judgment if he can't take him. I'll also drop off enough information for billing Children's Services so you can give it to whoever ends up treating him. "By the way, his name didn't help. There are no records of a David Austin Taylor in the system from any state." That surprised me. I was almost positive that he had given me his real name just from the way he had said it and the tone of his voice. If it wasn't his real name, he was the best actor I'd ever seen. "I suppose he might have lied, but I think that's his name. Is there a chance his name might not be in any records with Children's Services in any state?" "Oh Lord yes," Judy answered. "He'd only be in the records if he'd been investigated by Children's Services or reported missing. There are likely thousands of kids out there who are not in the system who should be, but we have no way of knowing about them. There are simply too many kids with that name to call and check everyone who turned up with that name in his general age range. If you can narrow it down a little, like state of birth or exact age, I'm sure we can come up with some information. As it is, we're looking at around six million boys aged thirteen through fifteen in the U.S. and while I think he's from a southern state, he might not have been born there. David is a very common first name and the same with Taylor for a last name. We haven't even tried to start a search based only on his name. So far, all we've done is run that name through every state's Children's Services department and their police files for missing children. Several looked promising, but in the end didn't match for one reason or another. I started the search after you called last night and we've been working on it all morning. If you don't get us more to go on, next week we'll start a search based only on name and see what turns up, but frankly that takes a lot of man-hours which costs money, something we don't have an excess of. When I can't even guarantee that's his name, we hate to spend the money, but may have to." I knew that Judy frequently complained of lack of funding, but had never considered that sometimes it hampered her efforts. Yet I had seen that same lack of funding place obstacles in the way of good education, so I shouldn't have been surprised. "Okay, I'll call Marcie if I learn anything. He might not be willing to come home with me, so I can't promise much," I said. Judy's voice changed to warm and understanding. "I know Sam. I never expected you to do as much as you have. Thank you." We chatted a couple more minutes before hanging up, and then it was time for me to make my plan of attack on David. I needed to decide if I should take any of the boys with me, or go by myself. As it turned out I didn't get a chance to decide that before I had a bunch of boys sticking their oars in. Sometimes I wonder about my boys. Most of the time a person would wonder if they had any brains in their heads, but occasionally they really can think. Just a few minutes conversation and they decided that Corey should go with me and that he should sit in the Gator until I called him and asked him to come in. Their reasoning seemed good to me, so I agreed. Corey grabbed a book he was reading and away we went. Kath was going to get supplies for lunch tomorrow and also some things for dinner. John showed up just as Corey and I were leaving so Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy were going to look at what he had available, and the other boys were going to the mall and play some video games. I wondered if John was ready for the giggle boxes, but that was out of my control so he was on his own. The drive to town was wonderful. Somehow the subject of David never really came up and instead Corey and I had some rare time alone. We talked about all kinds of things, like his art and was he happy, and of course I told him how proud I was of him for the leadership he was showing and the improvement in his grades. I wished the drive would never end, but all too soon we were approaching Redding. I hated to leave him in the Gator and would have rather sat and held him and kissed him, but now that we were here, it was time to see what happened. I'd even remembered to bring along some of Corey's clothes in case David was willing to come home with me. I figured they would come closest to fitting and he could wear them long enough to where we could do some shopping. Corey and I even sneaked a kiss before I headed into the hospital. With the giggle boxes around there hadn't been much time or chance for any private and personal time. As I was walking from the parking lot to the hospital, I was thinking about the lack of private time Corey and I were now faced with. When he had been the only boy living with me, we had spent lots of time just being together, but as more boys were added, there was less time for Corey. I regretted that, but he seemed to understand. In fact, he seemed more accepting of it than I was. Once he had understood that none of the other boys would take his place he turned into the perfect big brother, watching over and helping them. Perhaps part of it was that he had been forced to watch out for himself so long that he was more mature in some ways, but mostly I thought it was because of his personality. Where I needed to teach, Corey seemed to need to help people. He tried to keep his brothers under control and keep them out of trouble and even tried to help cover up some of the things they did. I was very lucky to have him because without him there was no way I could have been as successful with the others as I was. He was the glue that held all of us together. As I approached the nurse's station I saw the same nurse who had told me she thought David needed a friend. She gave me a big smile and nodded to his door, warning me the doctor was with David. I stood and visited with her for a few minutes while waiting for the doctor to finish, learning that her normal shift was noon to eight and the only reason she had been on duty as late as I'd seen her was that one of the other nurses had talked her into covering for a couple of hours while he attended his daughter's wedding rehearsal. Nurse Karstan was one of those bright and bubbly people with whom it was easy to visit, and along the way she got me to tell about the boys and how my life had experienced a big change starting last fall. Finally, the doctor finished and I started to head for David's room. "Good luck with him. He's lonely and afraid and he needs someone he can trust," she said. I turned back to her. "You're right, but I don't know how to convince him he can trust me. I wish I did." "Don't try to rush him. Just give him the time to make up his mind and I'm sure he'll come around." With that she went back to looking at some paperwork and I headed on over to David's room. The problem was that I knew she was right and I'd been going to try to pressure him about going home with me. I now realized that wouldn't work. I was back to square one and would just have to sit and wait for him to say something and now I regretted bringing Corey because this could be a long afternoon. As usual there was no answer when I rapped on the door, so once again I walked in and sat down in the chair. David looked at me and then turned his head away. There was nothing I could think of to say that would help, so I just sat there, saying nothing. After about fifteen minutes he turned to me. "You don't give up, do you?" "Not when I think it's worth it," I replied. "Like I'm worth anything," he said. There was a bitterness in his words that was almost shocking. "Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" I asked. Again he turned away and there was silence. This time the silence lasted for about a half hour. I was starting to get antsy because of Corey sitting in the Gator waiting and had almost decided to leave, take Corey home, and come back later. "What do you want from me?" he whined. "It depends on what you mean by that. I only want to help. What that turns out to be I don't know. It could be as little as telling me enough so that Children's Services can figure out what to do with you. Then again, it might involve more. At this point I don't know because I haven't got enough information to go on," I answered. He still was facing away so I was looking at the back of his head and had no way to read his expression. "What do you mean it might involve more?" he asked with a guarded tone of voice. "Well, I was going to invite you to go home with me and spend a week or so with me and my boys. We're going fishing tomorrow and I thought maybe you would enjoy being out of the hospital and might even enjoy going on a fishing trip. I hoped that by being around me you might start to trust me and be willing to tell me a little about yourself so that Children's Services could help you." "I seen how they help. They took my friend and his sister away and they didn't get to see each other no more. They didn't help my brother and he's dead." The anger in his voice made me cringe. "Why would they help a cripple?" he spit out. "Why would anyone help a cripple? That's all I am, a fucking cripple. A fucking fag cripple! Now leave me alone!" he screamed. After that outburst he started to cry. I couldn't decide what to do. Now I had some information, but I also had a very upset boy and I wasn't sure how to handle him. I wanted to hold him and try to tell him things would get better, but I wasn't sure that was a good idea. Yet seeing him crying about broke my heart. Holding him and trying to comfort him won out and I stood up and walked over and put my hand on his shoulder. He flinched and rolled further away from me. "David, please listen. I'm not going to hurt you and only want to help you," I said in as soft a voice as I could while reaching out and touching his shoulder again. This time he didn't pull away, but instead turned towards me. I wanted to put my arms around him so badly it hurt, but I couldn't come up with a good way to do that with him flat on the bed. I tried anyway and slid one arm under his shoulders and the next thing I knew there was a bunch of squirming on his part and suddenly I had a boy in my arms and he was crying his heart out on my shoulder. Somehow he had managed to get on his knees and was now just leaning against me crying. All I could do was pat and rub his back, and hold him while I murmured all those things that my parents had told me, like it would be all right and things would get better. I was pretty sure he wasn't listening and I doubt that he could hear me over his sobs anyway. After a while he developed the hiccups to go along with his crying. I don't know how long we were like that before he began to calm down. I knew that my back was aching because I wasn't in the most comfortable position I'd ever been in, but I didn't want to do anything to relieve it until David was calmed down. Then I got an idea and just clasped him a little tighter and straightened up and he was hanging in my arms. The chair was only a couple of steps in back of me and I managed to backup until I could feel it against my legs. I couldn't figure how to sit down and get him on my lap, so that took some more thinking. In the end I gave up and went back over to his bed, turned around and then sat on the bed. Then I leaned back until I was flat on my back with David plastered on my front and then squirmed around until we were both lying on the bed. He was still on top of me and still crying, but at least my back didn't feel like it was about to give out on me. All this time I had been patting him and telling him it was going to get better. He continued to cry and I continued to pat. I was so wrapped up in what I was doing that when I noticed Nurse Karstan watching us I was startled. She raised her eyebrow as if to ask if I needed anything, and when I slightly shook my head she smiled and left. David's crying slowly became softer, and then he gave a sigh, went totally limp and was just a dead weight on me. He had cried himself to sleep. I managed to get my arm up where I could check my watch and discovered that I'd been in his room for over two hours. I wondered if Corey was bored out of his mind. As luck would have it, David wasn't centered on me and I could get my hand on my cell phone. It was a little awkward, but I got it out of my pocket and called Corey and told him he might as well come up to David's room since we were probably going to be here for a while longer. A few minutes later he walked into the room closely followed by Nurse Karstan. We whispered back and forth until Nurse Karstan was convinced that I had asked Corey to come and then she again left. Corey and I whispered back and forth and finally Corey asked if David was coming home with us. I told him I didn't know because he hadn't answered yet, and I wasn't sure he understood that I was inviting him. It was hard to hold much of a conversation while whispering, but I didn't want to wake David until he had gotten at least a little rest. I was quite confident that his crying had taken a lot out of him and I figured some rest would be the best thing for him. Finally Corey grinned and whispered that David had a cute ass. It was then that I realized that his hospital gown had fallen open and David's ass was there for anyone to see if they came into the room. "No fair perving on him while he's asleep," I whispered. Corey softly giggled, but he did carefully tie it back together. David had me trapped on the bed and I was developing a serious problem. My bladder was full and needed relief. Of course the more I thought about it, the worse it got. Finally, I had no choice. It was either get David off of me and tend to the problem, or we would both be wet. Between the soup and coffee at lunch, I was out of room. I shouldn't have worried because David never did a thing as I gently rolled him off me. Once I was free, I took little bitty quick steps to the bathroom. My legs were pinched so tightly together I was worried that I would wear the inside of my pant legs out, and I could hear Corey giggling at me as I made my somewhat strange looking dash. I had my fly open before I got to the door and just barely made it to the toilet. Blessed relief soon followed. Without David draped on top of me I was a lot cooler and more comfortable. Between having to go to the bathroom and being trapped and sweating I was glad to be out from under him. Corey and I continued to whisper back and forth and discuss how we might convince him to come with us. We even talked about where he might sleep until we got Kath's furniture moved. The most logical place was with Kyle and Mark, but that would depend on how he got along with them and if they were willing to share their room. He could have either theirs, or JJ and LT's upper bed. Neither Corey nor I thought JJ and LT would be very thrilled with having him in their room, but we didn't know how any of them would get along. As conversations will go, we talked about a lot of things. Finally we got around to how he might fish and I was explaining that until he had a prosthesis he wouldn't be able to do some things, but when he got one and learned to use it there would be few things he couldn't do. Corey said he didn't understand what I meant and I was trying to explain that while some things would take some special gear, a lot of things were just a matter of knowing how to do them one handed. I was right in the middle of explaining about that when I happened to look over and saw David watching us. "So, you're awake now," I said. "You never did say if you would like to get out of here and maybe go home with me and Corey." Suddenly I realized I hadn't introduced them. I'm sorry, David, I'd like you to meet Corey, one of my sons. In fact my first son. Corey, meet David." "Hi dude," Corey said and waved his hand at David. David was looking back and forth between Corey and me. "You don't look old enough to have a son that old," David said. "You're right," I chuckled. "Corey and the other boys are foster type sons. I don't actually foster Corey, but the other four I do. Not for long though, soon the adoption papers will be filed and hopefully will go through. Then they will be my sons, not just my foster sons," I said with a big smile. Every time I thought of that I couldn't help but smile. To have the boys legally mine made me happy because then no one could take them away without good reasons. As it was, they could be moved without my being able to do a thing about it, well all except Corey. I could see David processing that information. He didn't say anything for a while, and then said, "Nobody will adopt me." "I don't know about that," I replied. "However, it's too early to worry about that. First we need to get you someplace where you're comfortable and then it will be time to take that subject up. In the meantime how about spending a week or so at my place?" "Yeah, come on Dude. We need help keeping the old man under control," Corey said and started giggling. "Old man, my ass. You better watch it, punk," I said. "I'll put you on the pot scrubbing detail for the next six months if you're not careful." Corey giggled. The pot scrubbing detail was one of those things I'd been threatening the boys with and they knew it was an empty threat. I normally washed the pots and pans while they were picking up the dishes and loading them in the dishwasher. "You have to catch me first," Corey giggled. "You'll come home for dinner. Besides, I'll sic Dog on you. He'll drag your sorry ass home," I replied. For some reason I was in a silly mood and so was Corey. Poor David didn't know quite what to make of us. Maybe I was silly because I was so happy that David was talking like a normal person. There were none of those long pauses when he looked away and he was into the conversation. He'd asked me a question instead of telling me to leave. I was giddy I was so happy. Corey hadn't been exposed to the waiting game, but he picked up on my mood and was playing right along. David was even grinning at some of the things we were saying. "It wasn't a sorry ass a couple of nights ago," Corey said. Then he realized what he'd said and started blushing. He wasn't the only one blushing. I had to be red as a fire engine judging by how hot my face felt. David either didn't know what to make of that statement, or his mind was on something else, because he totally passed it off as if it had never occurred. "Do you really want me to go home with you?" he asked, his voice sounding very odd. It was like he was afraid to ask, but couldn't stop himself, at least that's the impression I got. "Yeah, you can meet the giggle boxes and the rest of us. You'll have a blast," Corey answered him before I could say anything. "Things are a little messed up right now, but you're more than welcome," I added. "If you don't like it, we can bring you back here." "Come on Dude, I'm hungry. The sooner you say yes, the sooner we get out of here and find something to eat," Corey added to my statement. I could see indecision on his face. He wanted to go with us, but was still afraid. He kept looking at us, his eyes darting between us, and finally I went up and took his hand. "David, no one is going to hurt you or make fun of you, at least not in a mean way. We tease each other all the time, but only to have fun, never to hurt. Try it for a day or two. I promise that if you don't like it, I'll bring you back here," I said, trying to convince him I meant it and he could trust me. Just as I was finishing speaking, Corey walked over and put his arm around David's shoulder. "Come on," Corey said. "We've all been hurt, but it's safe at Sam's house." "But you won't like me when you know I'm a fag," David sobbed. "David," I said softly, "I really hate the word fag. Please stop using it. If you want to say you're gay, that's fine, but fag is an ugly word and we don't use it." "You mean you don't care that I'm queer?" David sniffled. "Nope, we don't care," I answered him. David looked up, although I'm not sure he could see much through his tears. Still, he looked like he was searching our eyes to see if he could discern the truth of what I had told him. I doubt that he saw anything, but he leaned forward and rested his head against my chest. "Are you willing to take a chance and go with us?" I asked. I could feel his head nod against my chest. "Corey, why don't you run down to the Gator and get the clothes we brought. I doubt that David wants his backside exposed to everyone. Also, if Nurse Karstan is at the desk would you ask her to come see me?" Corey was out the door like he was shot. Maybe he was hungry, or maybe he wanted to get David out of here before he changed his mind. My money was on hungry since it had been just over four hours since he had eaten. She must have been there because I didn't even have time to try to calm David down before she was in the room. "I guess we need to check David out. Judy Smelling of Children's Services said she was going to arrange it so I could take him home if he wanted to go. Who do I have to see to get things going?" I asked. "I'll get it started Mr. Lofton. It'll take a little while, but administration should have most of it done. I'll get Dr. Bailey to stop in and explain what care he needs and you can discuss future appointments with him." With that she left. It didn't take Corey long to return with the clothes. I wish I could say that things went as quickly with the checkout, but they didn't. First there was a long wait before Dr. Bailey showed up and then he had to call Dr. Logan and talk with him. Then I got detailed instruction on how to bandage David's stump. I'm not sure why because that was the reason for talking to Dr. Logan, but Dr. Bailey seemed to feel it was necessary. When that was finally taken care of, then we had to go to administration. By now it was getting close to office closing time so I wasn't very popular, but eventually I had signed enough papers to get us out of there. Of course I had to then get the Gator and pull up to the entrance so they could wheel David out of the hospital in a wheelchair. Perhaps the wheelchair was a good idea because I piled most of the papers they handed me on David's lap. For a while I didn't think he would be able to see over the pile, but in the end it wasn't a problem. Once David was in the Gator I think he went into some form of shock. His head kept swiveling around and his hand kept rubbing the leather interior, but he didn't say a word. Corey was chattering away, filling him in on the other boys and the giggle boxes, and David had a stunned look on his face. I dug out my cell phone and checked on when dinner would be ready and discovered we had about thirty minutes to spare. With that information I headed for the closest fast food outlet. Some milkshakes would have to hold them until we got home. Corey managed to talk me into getting four orders of fries to go with the milkshakes. I was supposed to eat one order, but David and Corey polished them off by the time we were halfway home. A couple miles further and I could hear the slurping of straws in empty milkshake containers. They slurped and slurped, trying for that last drop. Things were a madhouse when I got home. Kath and Aunt Sandy were busy cooking, the rest of the boys and about six neighborhood kids were playing basketball, and the giggle boxes were terrorizing Dog much to his enjoyment. Poor David looked overwhelmed by all the kids running around, but Corey grabbed him and dragged him off to introduce him to everyone. I stuck pretty close to make sure no one made him feel uncomfortable, but all that was said was when Fred, Vern's son, asked him what had happened to his hand and he told him the doctors had removed it because it got infected. Fred's response to that was "Bummer," and that was the end of it. The boys then went back to their game and David was left to watch. I strolled over and suggested that we relax by sitting on the edge of the brick planter alongside the driveway. Kevin, Kristen, and Dog were rolling around in the front yard behind me, and the boys were playing basketball in front of me. I could see David's head swiveling about trying to take in everyone. "Don't worry," I said. "You'll get them all figured out in a day or so." David didn't say anything and his head just kept going back and forth like a little owl. In a few minutes Aunt Sandy came out and yelled at everyone to get ready for dinner and the neighborhood kids took off for home. Everyone else charged the bathrooms to wash their hands, and soon we were ready to eat. My dinning table had room for a dozen, so the first problem was what to do with one extra. We crowded things together and managed to fit the thirteen of us around it, but at the rate things were going I was going to have to get a bigger table. Aunt Sandy had fixed a meatloaf and while different from mine, it was delicious, plus it was something that David could handle without help. For a while all that went on was the rapid motion of forks as the boys took the edge off their hunger, but soon they started joining the adults in conversation. We were doing our usual kidding back and forth and the giggle boxes were right in the thick of it. I finally told Kevin that if he didn't shut up and eat I was going to throw him to the sharks in the morning. Aunt Sandy said, "Thank God," and everyone laughed. David flinched when I said that to Kevin, but after a few seconds of everyone laughing and Kevin sticking his tongue out at me he seemed to realize we were kidding each other. Still, he never said a word the whole time we were eating. The most I got out of him was a nod or shake of his head when I offered him more food. He nodded for meatloaf and potatoes, and shook for corn and salad. By the time he finished his second helping of meatloaf he was clearly stuffed. The time between bites became longer and longer, and finally, with about two bites left, he gave up. Mark was sitting next to him on the other side and asked if he was finished. When he received a nod, Mark took his fork, speared first one and then the other bite left on David's plate, and rewarded Dog for his patience. Poor Dog had been trying to get a bite from Mark for a couple of minutes. Once he got his bites, Dog moved on to the next person at the table and tried again. David appeared fascinated at the way Dog carefully took each bite offered him. When we had all finished dinner I told the boys that there would be a boy meeting in the family room as soon as the dishes were in the dishwasher. I got a few groans, but they all started picking up the dirty dishes. I must admit that they were moving much slower than they normally did when putting the dishes on the table, but not a great deal slower than their normal speed at removing them. The kitchen was finally cleaned up and the boys made it to the family room. It was time for a little talk. The talk would have gone much faster except that Kyle and Mark almost came to blows, fighting with JJ and LT over who was going to have David sleep in their rooms. Both pairs of boys wanted him, and David's mouth was hanging open over them arguing over who would get him. It was settled that he would spend the first night with Kyle and Mark and the second night with JJ and LT. Neither David nor I managed to say anything about it until they finished their discussion. When they finally shut up, I asked them if perhaps they shouldn't have asked David what he would like to do and they immediately started the whole thing all over again except this time they were busy trying to sell David on the merits of themselves and of course he had no ideas about any of them. When they finally quit talking long enough for me to say something, I looked at JJ and LT and asked if they were sure they wanted someone else in the room. Both boys looked blank, and then started to blush. They exchanged a few looks and then turned to David and told him that yes, they still wanted him in their room with them. Then we had to raid Corey's clothes supply. While David was slightly taller, Corey was now filled out better, but he was still it was about the closest match among all the boys for size. The only thing was, Corey's shoes were too big. That was resolved by grabbing a couple pairs of JJ's. Before it was over I was conned into taking everyone clothes shopping Monday. Then it was time to get the fishing trip organized. Kath decided she wanted to stay home and rest. I think she just wanted a chance to finish painting the trim in her house, but I decided not to make an issue of it. We'd just gotten that settled when Judy showed up with Andrea and a bunch of papers for me. David tried to hide behind me when Judy walked in, but with little success. She immediately cornered him, told him she hoped he enjoyed himself at my house and told him she would see him in a week or so. I then sent the boys out to help Andrea bring her things in and took Judy to the office so I could sign all the papers for her. "How's he doing Sam?" Judy asked. "I think he's a little overwhelmed," I snickered. "His mouth was hanging open when the boys were fighting over which bunch of them got to have him sleep in their room." "Have you learned anything more about him?" "Yeah, he says he's gay, or rather he says he's a fag. Me thinks that someone has been telling him how awful that is and it will probably take some time to convince him that it isn't the end of the world to be gay." By the way, I had an interesting talk with my attorney. He said half the countryside knows I'm gay, but was too polite to mention it." "What?" Judy said with her mouth dropping open. She sputtered a bit before continuing, "I never heard that. You have to believe me on that." "Oh I believe you. I found it somewhat unsettling to learn that a whole bunch of people knew and I didn't know it. That shocked the hell out of me. Anyhow, you might want to straighten up your records so you don't get in trouble if anyone starts snooping." Judy was almost speechless. She sat there with a blank expression on her face and finally took the now signed papers and left without going through most of her usual spiel about keeping receipts and all that stuff. She still looked in a daze as she gathered up Kath and headed back for my office to get Andrea's papers signed. Since it only took her a couple of minutes, I had to think that Kath didn't get the usual speech either. In fact, Kath looked puzzled when they came out and was eyeing Judy as though she couldn't understand what was going on. Judy looked like her mind was miles away when she gave me a perfunctory goodnight and left. Kath looked at me for an explanation and I just shrugged. There wasn't all that much to say so I didn't bother to say anything. I walked back into the family room just in time to hear Kevin asking David about his missing hand. David was facing away from me and I decided to see how he handled it. I thought he did well at explaining. He told Kevin that his wrist had gotten broken and then infected. He told Kevin that the doctors had to cut his hand off to save his life. David looked sad when he was telling it, but he didn't start crying and Kevin said he would help him fish. Now that ought to be something, a one handed fisherman helped by Kevin. I couldn't wait to see that. I wasn't sure that Kevin could help anyone no matter how hard he tried, but his heart was in the right place and David seemed to be a little more comfortable talking to the giggle boxes than the other boys. I walked on in to the family room. "David, could I talk with you for a while?" David looked like he thought I was going to whip him, but he followed me to the living room and even sat down when I pointed to a chair. About then Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy wandered in, but I paid no attention to them. "Sorry to drag you away from the rest of the kids, but we need to talk for a few minutes. I don't have any fishing gear for a one-handed fisherman, so I guess tomorrow you'll have to watch. We'll quit a little early and stop at the sporting goods store on the way home and order something you can use, but tomorrow you'll just have watch and get acquainted with us." "Sam, have you really looked at all your gear?" Uncle Matt asked. "Quite a few spinning reels can be switched to left-handed and we might be able to rig up something to help hold the rod." I hadn't thought of that. I knew that some companies built products for left-handed people, and that some built products for handicapped people, but I had never considered that perhaps we could rig up something that would work enough to get by. "No I haven't. Come on, let's take a look," I answered. "Come on David, we'll see what we can find." We started at the back of the pickup where all the fishing gear was now stowed in preparation for our fishing trip. Uncle Matt looked over the reels and grabbed a Shimano, one of several I'd bought, and said it looked like the handle could be switched to the other side. When I looked at it I saw he was right, so off to the shop we went to get started on that. Aunt Sandy tagged along and when we had the handle changed, then there was the question of how David could hold the rod and work the reel with only one hand. I suggested that perhaps we could get some ideas off the Internet so back to the house and into the office we went. It didn't take long until we had a couple of ideas of what might work. Back to the shop where Uncle Matt and I looked over the small amount of stuff I had stored. Uncle Matt was pretty clever. He took a piece of a sink trap, some Boy Scout web belts, a little of this and a little of that and the next thing I knew he had rigged up a device that strapped to David's leg and stuck up and held the rod. By now David had lost that scared look and was starting to get interested in the project. While all this was going on I'd been talking to him, asking if he'd ever been fishing and did he know anything about it. Somehow I wasn't surprised that he'd never been fishing. I even got a little extra information and learned that he hadn't done many things that most boys do with their fathers. I didn't get any information about his family, but that could wait until he was more comfortable with me. Aunt Sandy left to put the giggle boxes to bed and Uncle Matt and I continued to work on our project. It was the darndest Rube Goldberg setup I'd ever seen. It had a bunch of straps, loads of duct tape, and about every thing else in the shop attached to it by the time Uncle Matt was finished. The strange thing was that it looked like it might work. Then we had to rig a small screw on the butt of the rod so that when it was in the socket, made out of the sink trap, the rod wouldn't twist. Uncle Matt was really getting into the project. Once it was all put together, Uncle Matt decided that David needed to learn how to work it, so he strapped it on him and handed him the fishing rod. We walked out into the back yard and turned on the lights, which didn't really light things up very well, but did help. Uncle Matt then proceeded to start teaching David how to work the reel and to cast. David was pretty clumsy at it, but after a few attempts he managed to get the line to sail out a ways, just never where he was aiming. Once he completed his cast, then he would stick the butt of the rod into the thingy, for lack of a better term. Since the rod stuck out of the holder at about a forty-five degree angle when David's leg was straight up and down, by rocking forward and back, with his legs stretched out as though walking, he could change the angle of the rod, in effect acting like he was pumping it to fight a fish. It looked similar to a device called the "StrikeFighter", which Uncle Matt had seen on the Internet when we were looking, and worked about the same. I must admit though, the Strike Fighter was a much better looking piece of equipment. Still, we didn't have one and Uncle Matt did the best he could with what was available. He did a lot better than I could have done at fabricating something out of what was in my shop. By now it was late so we headed back to the house. Aunt Sandy and Kath were finishing up a batch of potato salad and they had some cans of beans set out for tomorrow's lunch. There were also wieners, marshmallows, hamburger patties, and buns sitting there, so I got out the ice and put in the cooler and loaded it aboard the pickup. It didn't take long and we had everything loaded and were headed for bed. Kyle and Mark grabbed David and that was the last I saw of him until I was making my nightly rounds to check on the boys. David was in the top bed of the bunk beds, and Kyle and Mark were in the lower. I kissed Kyle and Mark as usual, and then managed to kiss David's forehead like I had the others. Wishing them goodnight, it was off to JJ and LT's room where I repeated the whole thing again. It did seem strange not to have Dog on their bed, but I'd get to say goodnight to Dog when I made it to my room. He refused to let the giggle boxes sleep without him. He did thump the bed with his tail as I told him goodnight and got into bed. Soon I had Kevin snuggled up to me and I drifted off to sleep. My last thought was I hadn't even had a chance to inquire if Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy had seen any property they liked. Morning was a mad scramble to get everyone ready and fed. The giggle boxes wanted to sleep, along with most of the boys. Then Andrea said she didn't feel like going and while I'm not the smartest person in the world, it didn't take me long to figure out that it was the wrong time of the month for her. I suppose the knowing looks between Kath, Aunt Sandy, and Andrea had something to do with my deductions. Still, we eventually got all those who were going ready and in the vehicles, and off we went. David was very quiet, but at least he appeared awake. I wasn't sure I could say that about Kyle. While Kyle's eyes were open, there was no sign of intelligence in them and his movements were more zombie-like than normal. His longest response had been a more pronounced grunt than normal. Once again we were the only ones at Two Lakes and the boys finally seemed to wake up. Kyle even said a word or two as he headed off to fish with Danny and Mark. JJ and LT said they were going to walk up the road and try the upper lake and that left the rest of us to fish the lower lake. Aunt Sandy and Corey agreed to help the giggle boxes, along with Uncle Matt, so that left me to work with David. I picked out a spot not far from where we were parked and started in. First I explained what he should do and how to do it. Then I rigged a lure on his line and encouraged him. After that I spent some time trying to get him to quit trying so hard. I finally had to stop him and demonstrate, making sure to do it in somewhat slow motion so he could see he didn't have to swing the rod very hard. An hour of work and he finally made a pretty decent cast. Three casts later he had a strike, but missed setting the hook. I kept encouraging him and about every other cast he would get a strike, but he wasn't managing to hook any fish. A little over two hours into the fishing and it finally happened. He hooked one. Sadly, it was only about six inches long, but at least it was a fish. I did snap a couple of pictures before we released it. A couple of more missed strikes and he hooked another. This time there was no argument that it would be a keeper, that is if he managed to land it. He did get it close to the bank, but he didn't keep the line tight and it got away. After it escaped I told him to take five and I walked back to the pickup and got him a bottle of pop and a cup of coffee for myself. The giggle boxes had seven fish and Corey another two. Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy were getting ready to try their luck so Corey and the giggle boxes walked back up the lake with me. I didn't need any help, but I couldn't figure out how to get out of taking them with me. Corey snagged a bag of chips to take with us, so for a few minutes they all ate chips and drank their pop. When all that was left were empty pop cans, it was time to try again. Another missed strike, and then David hooked another fish. This time he had better luck and managed to get a nice fourteen incher close enough for me to net it. For the first time I saw a real smile on his face. After a couple more pictures David said he was tired. There was an old root wad close to where we were, and it had a place where a large root stuck out. I suggested he could sit on the root and lean back and rest a little and when I looked over, he had dozed off. In the meantime Corey and I were doing pretty well at catching fish while the giggle boxes built sand castles not far from David. Dog lay down between David and the giggle boxes and watched, after having a big drink of lake water. I wasn't paying much attention to the time and pretty soon Kevin started complaining he was hungry. Of course Kristin joined right in, and then Corey. When I looked at my watch, it was late enough to eat, so back to the vehicles we went to get the screen and cooler. David looked much more relaxed than he had earlier, but he still seemed tired. It didn't take long to get a fire started and while it was burning down to good cooking coals, the giggle boxes burned up part of a package or marshmallow. They even managed to eat a couple of them, but most fell in the fire. Uncle Matt drove the Gator up to the upper lake to see how JJ and LT were doing and I cleaned fish. By the time I had enough cleaned for lunch, Uncle Matt was back with JJ and LT. Of all of us, they had done the best. JJ was landing his last fish as Uncle Matt drove up, and both boys were then limited out. I started cooking while the Uncle Matt helped the others clean the rest of the trout. David looked a little skeptical when I placed a trout on his plate and then removed the skin and bones. I could see him eyeing the burgers the giggle boxes were eating, but after a few bites of trout he quit looking at burgers and attacked his trout. The giggle boxes only ate part of their burgers and dog got the rest, but they also ate part of the trout I had divided between their plates. Dog got the rest of that also. In fact, Dog was pretty well stuffed by the time lunch was over. After a half hour of lazing around and letting lunch settle, it was back to fishing. David landed another trout, this time a nice sixteen incher, and soon the rest of the limits were filled except for Kristin and Kevin. They were tired of fishing and wanted to go home, and David looked exhausted. So we put out the fire, raked the coals around, and picked up our garbage. When everything was loaded in the back of the pickup we headed home. David dozed off on the way home, so I didn't bother to stop at the sporting goods store. I didn't think he was up to it and he looked so peaceful leaning against Mark, who was in the middle of the back seat. This time the giggle boxes had decided to ride with their parents so I had Corey in front and Kyle, Mark, and David in back. It was a lazy trip home and we chatted quietly about how fishing had gone. Mark was getting much better at casting and hadn't hooked anyone, and he and his brother had caught some of the bigger fish this trip. Danny hadn't happened to catch any big ones, but he was the first of the three to limit. All in all, it was a good fishing trip. I was right and Kath had finished painting the trim. She looked tired and was again limping so I decided that we should eat out. The boys decided we hadn't had ribs for a while so Old Texas Ribs got the nod. While we were sitting around before leaving I finally remembered to ask about the property. Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy hadn't seen anything they liked, and John had no idea where the property Corey had mentioned was. We hadn't been specific enough so that Uncle Matt could tell him where it was. All he remembered was that it was someplace off the power line road. I thought about that for a couple of minutes and decided to call Vern and see if he knew anything about it. Vern knew right where I was talking about and said it was the old Beeler homestead. When he found out why I was interested, he even supplied me with a phone number for one of the Beeler sons who had grown up on it. I also learned that Ralph Beeler, the name of the son, was the last surviving son and was in his seventies. The phone number was a Palm Springs number and according to Vern, Ralph had retired there some years back. Vern had no idea how many acres were included, but told me to give Ralph a call and be sure to tell him hello from Vern. Vern did add the information that he and Ralph had worked together when Vern first got out of high school. When I reported all that to Uncle Matt, we decided to make the call. So I called and Mr. Beeler didn't sound very thrilled with the idea of selling, but we had a nice visit anyway. I told him all about what Vern and his family were doing and about events in the community since he had left. It was a nice visit and he said he would think about it and get back to us. I did learn that it was still the original size, a quarter section or one hundred sixty acres. Mr. Beeler told me his great grandfather had been the one to file the claim and it had been in the family ever since. All in all he sounded like a nice man even if he wouldn't sell the property, and we had a good visit and I learned some things about how it used to be when he was young and living in the area. By then it was time to go eat, so we loaded everyone up and went and had our ribs. David managed to hold his own with the ribs, but his face looked like he had been in a fight and lost from all he barbecue sauce smeared all over it. I noticed he was doing better at eating and was starting to catch up with my boys on quantity. The giggle boxes only ate part of their children's plates, so it looked like Dog would have plenty of leftovers. When we got home Kath brought up the subject of moving her things into her house. That brought groans from the boys, but the rest of us thought that was a good idea. The fact that Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy would be here to help would make a big difference. Boys took off to do whatever it was they wanted to do. Actually, that was mostly veg in front of the tube, but they were looking a little tired and they needed some down time. I got David aside and asked him if he had enjoyed the day, but only got a rather noncommittal answer. It was like he was waiting for something bad to happen and was afraid to enjoy himself. At least he didn't appear to dislike the way the day had gone so I figured I would let him adapt at his own pace, at least for a while. I knew that somewhere around the middle of the week I would need at least a few answers so we could start to get his schooling straightened out, but for now he looked relieved when I didn't press him for any information and he soon joined the boys in watching the tube. I could only shake my head when Corey started nuking some popcorn. We adults were all sitting at the dinning room table and he walked right past us and got out five bags and popped them one after another. When I thought about it, five bags for ten kids and Dog seemed about right. All I could think was that when the giggle boxes hit the boy's ages, it would take a couple more bags, but they still were on the picky side when it came to eating. At least Dog enjoyed having them because he got what they couldn't or wouldn't eat. We were sitting there relaxing and drinking coffee when the phone rang. When I answered it was Ralph. He explained that he had called and talked with Vern and wanted to know how serious we were about acquiring his property. That meant that I had to explain that the only ones who had seen it were the boys and while Uncle Matt might become very serious about it, until he saw it he wasn't willing to commit himself. That wasn't good enough for Ralph and he wanted an answer right then. I thought about it for a few seconds and asked him what he would sell it for, cash in fist. Now the shoe was on the other foot as it were, and Ralph hemmed and hawed for a while without giving me a price. Finally Ralph decided he needed time to think about it, but said he would call within a couple of days and give us a price. I'd had the conversation on speakerphone and when I looked up everyone was standing around listening. I have no idea why the boys thought they needed to know what was going on, but there they stood, taking it all in. Andrea was even standing there. The only one missing was Dog. I called Vern. We needed more information about the property and I hoped he knew a little. Property went for such wide ranges of prices that there was no way was I going to commit Uncle Matt or myself without a little more knowledge . Nancy answered and told me Vern expected me to call. Then she explained that after Vern had talked with Ralph he'd told her we would be the next to call. We chatted a couple of minutes and he said he would come over and we could discuss it in person. Sure enough, a few minutes later he knocked on the door. Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy knew Vern quite well, so we sat around drinking coffee while he filled us in on what he knew about the property which was quite a lot. He described the property as having some second-growth timber on it and several nice building sites. There was a small stream which ran through it and the power lines were close enough to obtain service as long as any construction was near the old home. There were no sewer or water services available, but there was a well, which had supplied water in the past, and other homes in the general area had not had any problems with soil percolation tests so that meant there was a good chance of getting permits to put in a septic system. When Vern started talking about Ralph his manner changed. Vern suddenly seemed more guarded than normal, which surprised me. While Vern was willing to say some things about Ralph, it was clear that there were things he wasn't telling. They had been good friends even though they hadn't seen each other for several years according to Vern, and I was surprised with his reticence on telling me much about Ralph. We continued visiting and after a while Aunt Sandy left to put the giggle boxes to bed. I heard them demanding that Corey read to them and quit worrying about it when he said yes. As the conversation went along, I started to get a better picture of Ralph and things quickly fell into place. "Ralph's gay, isn't he?" I asked Vern. Vern nodded, and then said, "I hope that doesn't make any difference?" "Why should it, I'm gay," I replied. This last year had changed my opinion of myself. For years I had thought I was bisexual, but I had finally realized that wasn't true. Yes, I had experienced sex with a woman, specifically Sarah, but when I finally was honest with myself, I was forced to conclude that women, no matter how nice, really didn't turn me on. It had been a long slow path to where I was willing to be totally honest with myself, and when I was, that was the result. The fact that even a few weeks ago I would not have admitted to such a thing was the big difference now, and talking with Russ after the trial had made me understand myself better. Vern got a big smile on his face. "Thanks Sam. Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me." "I know I should have said something sooner, but I just couldn't. I didn't even understand myself well enough to know," I replied. "You're the second person, outside of family, that I've told." Vern chuckled. "I sort of suspected, but was never sure. In a lot of ways you're much like Ralph. I'm one of maybe a couple dozen people he ever came out to, and I could see it was a difficult thing for him to do. Strange how society shapes our attitudes to where people feel that way, but I can understand it. There's so much hatred on the part of some people that I'm not sure I would want to admit to such a thing if I were gay." I happened to notice Uncle Matt about then and he was grinning. When he saw I was looking at him he said, "My little Sammy's growing up." Then he sat back and continued smiling. "What do you mean your little Sammy?" I asked while grinning at him. "You're not that much older than I am." Uncle Matt's expression changed. "When you were just past fourteen your mom and dad had a talk with me. They knew one of my friends was gay and wondered if I'd watch out for you." There is a saying about pushing someone over with a feather. Believe me, it wouldn't have taken a feather to push me over; a light breath of air would have been more than sufficient. I was stunned. I could feel my mouth opening and closing as though I was trying to say something, but not a sound came out while Aunt Sandy, who'd rejoined us, started pointing at me and giggling. "In all the time I've known you," she giggled, "I've never seen you totally speechless." She had the speechless part right. The reason no sound was coming out was I couldn't think of anything say and I have no idea why my mouth kept opening and closing. Finally, my mind got in touch with my vocal cords. "Th—the––they knew?" I stammered. "Let's just say they strongly suspected," Uncle Matt answered. "Why—why didn't they say something?" I asked. "Because you never said anything," Uncle Matt answered. "Your dad said you'd tell him when you felt comfortable doing so, and that he could wait." My whole world had just turned upside down. While I had always known I had great parents and that they loved me, now I understood just how much more they loved me than I had realized. They loved me so much they were willing to wait and keep their questions to themselves just so I could become confident enough to talk with them. They gave me room to discover myself and never put any pressure on me. Uncle Matt and Aunt Sandy were once again talking with Vern about Ralph's property, but I wasn't listening. My mind was awhirl with so many thoughts that I was almost dizzy. Yet one thing kept coming through loud and clear. I hadn't wanted to be gay and I had hid it from myself. Intellectually, I knew that being gay was something I could do nothing about, but that didn't mean my subconscious felt the same way. It had tried to calm my fears by telling me I was bisexual when I wasn't. Certainly there were many reasons not to be gay, but I was having little luck trying to understand why I feared it so. I might have gone on like that forever except Kyle and Corey walked past to get some pop. The sight of them allowed some thoughts to tumble into the right place and suddenly I understood what it was that I had feared and why I didn't want to be gay. Understanding it liberated me in a way that nothing had ever done before. The answer was so simple that it had escaped my attention. I had wanted a family. It was as simple as that. In the back of my mind being gay meant not having children, and that was why I feared it. Now I understood why I had been much happier this year even with all the bad things that had happened. First there had been finding Corey, and then the rest of the boys came along and suddenly I had the things I wanted most in life. I had a job I loved and now I had a family. Granted it was kind of a strange family since all the boys were so close together in age, but I now looked upon them as my children and worried about them and tried to help them. I sat there thinking how great it was to have a family while Vern and Uncle Matt discussed how much Ralph's property might be worth. I heard their words, but inside I was thinking how fortunate I was in the way things had worked out. "Why the grin?" Aunt Sandy asked. It took a few seconds for her words to penetrate, but when they did I answered, "I'm just thinking about how lucky I am." "I think there's more to it than that," Uncle Matt said. "No, not really," I replied. "I've got everything anyone could want. I've got good friends, a family, and a job I enjoy. What more does anyone need?" I knew I was right on that. While some people thought they needed many things, only a few things are important in life and I had them all. I had my own little bunch for an immediate family, and my extended family such as Uncle Matt, Aunt Sandy, and so on, along with some cousins who lived in another part of the country. Even though I didn't see my cousins often, they helped give me roots and a sense of belonging. Then there were all the friends I had. I sometimes wondered why so many people were willing to be friends with me, yet through the years I'd made many friends and while lots of them had gone on to other areas and I no longer saw them, still I knew that I could call on them if necessary. Just as I would try to help them should they need it, I was sure they would try to help me in similar circumstances Lastly there was my job, and I loved it. I was working with kids whose world was opening up as they grew, and they were a delight to work with. There were a few I wasn't successful with, but most of them seemed to respond. I had them at that age when I could make a big difference in their lives, and when I thought I'd made some progress in helping them grow and understand the world, it put me on a high that I could experience no other way. The only way things could have been better was if I could tell Mom and Dad how much I loved them and how grateful I was to them for all they had done for me. Still, tonight had shown me that they loved me more than I had realized, and I hoped the many times I'd told them the same had let them know I loved them. Uncle Matt and Vern came to an agreement. Vern was going to show us the layout of Ralph's property, as best he could remember, after lunch tomorrow. He said he could come pretty close to pointing out where the property lines were, and Uncle Matt thought that would be sufficient to make a tentative decision on should he continue trying to buy it. Then the question of price came up again. I mentioned I'd given right at twenty-five thousand an acre, but that the price couldn't be compared as there was access to all the utilities on what I'd bought. Vern mentioned he'd heard of undeveloped property going in the two to three thousand dollar an acre range, and thought Ralph's property should fall in that range. Automatically my mind rolled the numbers around. One hundred sixty acres at three thousand dollars an acre was just shy of half a million bucks. Actually it was twenty thousand dollars shy, but when talking in those numbers I wasn't going to quibble over a few thousand. "That's almost a half a million dollars," I blurted out. Uncle Matt just looked at me. "So," he said. "But that's a lot of money," I answered. Uncle Matt started laughing. "Sammy, I'm not Scrooge McDuck. I don't have a vault full of money and swim in it. What's the use of having it if you don't spend it on the things you want?" I realized how silly I'd sounded. Uncle Matt had more than I did, and I could easily afford that property if I wanted it. "Sorry," I said while blushing. "Mom and Dad tried to teach me not to throw money around and I guess the lesson took too well." "Speaking of money, what are you going to do about the Scouts summer camp?" Vern asked. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I'd been donating to the troop so all the boys could afford to go to camp. "Well, believe it or not I have thought about it. I know there are some things we disagree on with their policies, but I don't think taking it out on the kids is the way to go. I was going to donate as usual. Vern grinned. "That's what I decided. While the Scouts need to change a few things, the kids shouldn't get hurt because of it. I'll find out how much they think they need and let you know." A little more conversation and Vern headed home. It was getting late and we headed off to bed. Kath had been down surveying her house, and I wasn't about to go get her. I was quite confident I would hear all her plans as we moved furniture tomorrow. I'd no more than slipped into bed when I heard the patio door open, telling me she had given up for the night. It had been a long day and I was ready for some sleep. Yet sleep wouldn't come. Instead I lay there thinking about how in one short week I had been forced to look at myself and my place in the world, and come to a better understanding of it. The fear I'd felt about having people learn of my sexuality had been, for the most part, ill founded. I knew that not all people would be so accepting or understanding, but nothing in life is perfect. Then there was the somewhat strange feeling of liberation which I now felt. Sure, there would be problems ahead, but all people face problems in their lives at one time or another. As I lay there trying to go to sleep, I realized that even though Rev. Langston had created many problems for me, he had also been responsible for helping me to see myself as I truly was. That just proved that old saying about every cloud having a silver lining if only a person takes the time to search for it. Always before I had been unwilling to face certain things because of the consequences they would bring. Now I knew that in order to go forward with life, a person has to face his problems and come to terms with them. I had been guilty of burying mine and not being willing to face them. It had been apparent for years that I wanted kids. I had only to look at the way I felt about Kevin and Kristen, and how I had wanted to teach kids since the time I started thinking about what to do with my life to understand that. That meant that in the back of my mind I was unwilling to admit to being gay because I was unwilling to give up the dream of kids. Instead I had lied to myself about being bisexual rather than gay because it held out hope of someday finding the right woman and having a family. I now had a lot more sympathy for gay people who married. Other thoughts drifted across my mind, like how many gays end up marrying a person of the other sex simply to have a family and to escape the stigma associated with being gay. I had no way of knowing, and even if there were surveys on the subject, I wouldn't believe them. I had too many reasons, in my own experience, to think that everyone would be honest in answering questions for such a survey. My answers wouldn't have been factual just a few days ago, and I saw no reason to think I was unique in any way. While I would not have lied on such a survey, the fact that I had been unwilling to face the truth about myself would have produced an answer that was still not accurate even though I believed it at the time. Gays are caught in a no win situation in many parts of the world. The laws and attitudes work to deprive them of some things which people want such as all the rights afforded to heterosexuals. As I thought about all this, I wondered if some of the behavior, which many people find offensive, of the gay community is not in fact the result of the way society treats the gay community. By not allowing gays to marry or adopt, they might be subtly encouraging gays to act in a different manner. Then they could stand and point to those differences and say, see, that is why you are unworthy. People's expectations have a great influence on how we view ourselves and see our place in the world. If people keep saying you are dumb long enough, you start to believe it and quit trying. Instead of running people down, we should encourage everyone to do the best they can. Maybe if we all did that, the world would be a better place. For all that I loved the giggle boxes, I wished I could just hold Corey tonight. I still didn't understand why I had fallen in love with him, but whatever the reasons, that love had gotten stronger every day. Now I was thinking years into the future and how great it would be to have Corey at my side. I snickered to myself while thinking about how nice it would be when we were both old and could sit on the porch in our rocking chairs and watch the sunset. That was such a silly image to think of because I never enjoyed rocking chairs. Yet I had this image of old couples, sitting on a porch and rocking away the rest of their lives, just enjoying each other's company. Maybe if I eliminated the rocking chairs Corey and I could still enjoy each other's company when we were old. I liked that image better and drifted off to sleep. To be continued...