Date: 31 Aug 2000 18:18:47 -0700 From: Guy Friar Subject: Icarus of Auriga, Chapter Two Icarus of Auriga Chapter Two I often take a walk around town at night. Sometimes it makes all the difference in the world. I feel very calm and comfortable enveloped in darkness. I theorize that depression might basically be the feeling when your inner darkness gets claustrophobic. Most people probably don't go with me on this, but I think it makes sense: When I'm down it usually feels like something inside me is choking to death. And since it's comforting to take a walk during the night, that only tells me that whatever it is that's dying inside of me feels the choke-hold is relieved at night. Then why shouldn't it be plausible that 'whatever it is that's dying inside of me' is in fact the darkness inside of me, and that my darkness realizes how isolated it is during the day, and thus develops claustrophobia. But during the night it gets in contact with the darkness of the world, and suddenly has a place. It isn't alone anymore. Periodically the isolation is non-existent, and my inner darkness calms down, resulting in me feeling a whole lot better. Far out, perhaps, but the in-depth meditation that automatically comes with walking in the shadows, makes it all seem very real. Then I walk past his house. And suddenly my mind isn't making up useless crap anymore. Suddenly it's very focused on one thing. The most important thing. I freeze every time, and I just stand there looking at his bedroom window. Why am I so obsessed with him? I'm with him at the camps every week-day, but somehow that's not enough. Every day, after I walk him home, I start missing him right away. And the weekends are unbearable. So, I've made it a habit to walk past his house, it just gives me a feeling of intimacy somehow. And I just stand there. Usually I don't stay for more than ten minutes, and I make sure that if by chance he, or a member of his family, is still awake and looks out a window, I can't be seen. The night is the perfect hiding place. During the ten minutes I stand there, I'm really not thinking anything. All I see is his face. All I hear is his voice. Words, lines, laughs, and smiles from the day before, or the past week. I've noticed how my breathing slows down, and this feeling of warmth runs through my veins as something blooms within me. I feel totally relaxed, completely at ease. How I wish I could grow wings and fly up to his window, look through it, and see him sleep. I'd give anything to be able to become invisible, and just make my way inside his house, up the stairs, and into his room. I would just sit down on the side of the bed, and watch him. Nothing in the world would give me more pleasure, make me happier. Maybe, by a spur of a moment, I'd lower my head to his ear and whisper: "Eli, it's me. I'm here to guard you through the night, and guide you through any nightmare that may invade your fragile dreams." And I would hope that, even if it were only for a few seconds, I would be a part of his dream, and we would share a moment in his heart. Maybe he actually dreamed of me sometimes. God knows I dreamed of him. He had become my life. 07.21.1999 Wednesday Entry 36 We had a great day today. In fact I guess most days are great these days. Eli and I teamed up in soccer and challenged some of the other kids. Naturally we won. Made him real happy. Some of the kids have started gossiping, I can tell. They're like birds when they stick their noses together like that. They're probably jealous of Eli. A girl asked me, and this is not the first time as I've stated before, if we were brothers. I just love hearing that. Eli gets a kick out of it too. And we even make a game out of saying that we are. Eli was shy to do it at first, 'cause I think he really loves his real brother. But it's fun for him now, and he realizes he's not wronging his real brother when he does. Walking him home we talked about the birds and the bees. Don't look at me, he started it. It was just funny. God bless camps, I'm not depressed anymore. "Holy smoke, it's been hot today," I said, and wiped the sweat off my forehead with my shirt. "I wouldn't be surprised if I'd burned my nose in the sun we had this afternoon." Eli looked at my face. "Your nose isn't red," he said, and smiled with only one eye open. He always used his eyelids as sunblock for his eyes, one at a time. I preferred shades, covering both at the same time. His old fashioned way seemed to suit him better though, at least he had problems with keeping shades on his nose as they usually tended to slide off after only two minutes of wear time. I guess his cute little nose was too perfectly shaped for shades intended for regular people. "Well, my nose may have gotten off easy today, but my ears at least, they must be blushing a little?" Eli pulled my head closer to his eyes, and examined my left ear. "Nah, or maybe, I dunno. How red are your ears usually?" he asked, still examining them. I raised my head and looked at him. "My ears are not supposed to be red at all, Eli. You think my ears are usually red?" "I can't tell, you're taller than me." "Bad excuse, my friend," I said smiling. "I've often carried you on my shoulders, and I sit right next to you during lunch-time. You're not getting off that easy. You mean to tell me you've never noticed what color my ears are?" Eli giggled. "I'm sorry, of course they're green. Yeah your ears are seriously burned, you should be hospitalized." We laughed. We were pros at being silly. It had been a very hot day, and we were lying up against the bottom of a hill at the day camp headquarters. The kids were being picked up one-by-one, parents were dropping by and collecting their kids' stuff. It was the end of the week, and we were waiting for Eli to be picked up. We usually walked to his house together, and from there I'd walk to my house (which was in another neighborhood altogether, but I'd do it anyway), but once in a while Eli would be picked up by his brother, or his parents. It was usually when they had plans to go somewhere for the day, or the weekend. This time, they were going to spend the weekend at his grandma's farm. The weather forecast was very positive, and he would enjoy a very sunny weekend in the country. Probably wasn't going to be as sunny for me, no matter how hot it was. I wished I'd be going with them. "No sign of your parents, are you sure they're coming?" I asked him for the sake of conversation, I was secretly hoping they'd forgotten about him and left him home alone for the weekend. That would've been a fun situation. "Ari's picking me up, he had practice today. Takes him probably like twenty minutes to get here. But I don't care. I hate driving up there anyway, especially when it's sunny. The car gets so hot." "Oh God, yeah. I know what you mean," I said, not sounding too seriously as I was enjoying a comfortable sunbath at the same time. "Well, only one more week of camps. Then it'll all be over." The camps ended in the middle of August, and we had just gotten through our second to last week. I was petrified as to what would happen to my relationship with Eli after the camps ended, and I tried not to think about it too much. But as it drew nearer, I couldn't help but sweat over it every day, because every day meant that the end was closing up on us. "Yeah, that sucks. It's been so much fun. All thanks to you," he said, and then he gave me a very serious look. "Will you still be my friend after it's over?" My heart stopped. I closed my eyes and caught my breath. Strainingly and seemingly very slowly, I turned my head to Eli. "Of course, Eli, I'll always be your friend. We've become like best friends, and I love you very much. I'll probably not see you as much, and that only means I'll miss you every day. But we can try to work something out so that we can meet up sometimes this Winter." I knew we wouldn't meet much for the rest of the summer, Eli's family was going on a two-week trip immediately after the camps ended. That meant for the rest of the summer. Eli had a sad expression over his serious look, and so did I, although mine was probably all-sad and not serious at all. "Do you think we can?" he asked, and he was obviously thinking the same thing I was. Keeping contact was going to be hard over Winter. I didn't know the rest of his family much, just kind of recognized them on the street, and sometimes said 'Hi'. So, they probably wouldn't be very keen on letting him spend serious amounts of time with me. That would just be weird to them. And I couldn't just decide to take him places without his parents' consent. We would occasionally meet, when stuff was going on in town, or maybe even bump into each other at the supermarket or whatever. And I knew right then that over the course of the Winter, I would make desperate attempts at 'bumping into' him by re-scheduling my nightwalks to daywalks. I couldn't figure out a better way to try and keep our relationship up. E-mails? Didn't know if they had Internet access, and even if they did Eli probably wouldn't. Letters? It would be too weird. I could just picture it: "Here's a letter for ... Eli?" - "Wow, really, for me?" - "Who's it from, son?" - "Oh it's from Chris at camps!" - "Chris from camps is sending you letters??" - "Yeah, pretty cool huh?" - "Um, yeah sure. Honey, can I talk to you for a moment." Not a good impression. Babysit him? Don't think his parents would hire a stranger to them to babysit their son, when their oldest son was just about old enough to do it himself. It was hopeless! We would have to wait until next summer before we could evolve our relationship further. That was too long. And how much damage would that time do to our current relationship? It would be back to square one. Well, maybe square five, but it's a fall backwards. "I don't know. We'll see what happens, I guess. We'll definitely try, won't we?" I was looking him straight in the eye, don't know if it delivered the real message to him. "Yes. You're the coolest friend I ever had. You're my best friend." I could've cried. But instead I just bit my lower lip, and gave Eli a stroke on the cheek with two fingers. "Well, let's not start worrying about that now. We still have one more week of fun." Eli smiled, and nodded gleefully. "Eli!" a voice called. A boy with reddish hair and a backpack came flying down the street on his bike. "That's your brother, I think," I said, and we both stood up. The boy stopped his bike right by the edge of the street, where it became the sidewalk in front of the headquarters. "Hi Ari," Eli greeted him, and went to gather his stuff. "Hi, I'll give you a ride on the bike. I think dad wants to get going," Eli's brother said, and made room for a second body on his bike. "Okay." Eli had gathered his stuff, and made his way toward his brother. He turned to me and waved. "Bye Chris, see you on Monday. Have a great weekend." "Yeah, you too chief," I said smiling, waving back. Ari smiled at me. "Hey Chris. Sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun with the camps," he said. "Yeah, it's been a great summer. How come you didn't join?" I asked back, smiling. Ari had a very pleasant manner. He always greeted me, even though we hardly knew each other. He probably just knew me through his brother's stories, and figured I was a nice guy. "I would have liked to, but, you know, most of the kids here are probably at least two years my junior. I'd probably feel out of place. Plus, I have practice all the time. So it's not like I haven't kept busy." "No, good for you. So you're in what, track and field?" "Yup, but it's basically running. We just wear awkward costumes, and use props." "Oh yeah? Well, sounds like a lot of fun and embarrassment. Keep it up." Ari laughed. Eli was on the bike now, and they were ready to get going. "Well, see ya Chris," Ari said waving. Eli waved as well, and smiled that beautiful smile. "Bye you guys, have fun. See you Monday, chief." And they were off. As I watched them fly back up the road, I was reminded of what was going to happen exactly a week from that day. The final goodbyes. I shook the idea away, waved back at Eli as he disappeared around the corner. And silently I called: "I love you!" 10.11.1999 Monday Entry 80 (part) .......... I can't believe what's happening!