I'm Not Gay:
This is a work of fiction.
That means it is not true.
Didn’t happen. It’s a figment. No boys were involved or harmed in
the writing of this story and no trees were sacrificed. Author
responsibility for seminal damage to
keyboards. Author does
not condone sex with
boys; he just writes
fantasies about it. Further, sex in reality requires caution and
protection, but my characters won’t catch any bad bugs unless I write
them in. Be safe and legal in the real
world, and enjoy the story
only if you are of age and location to do
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By the time
Philip finished telling me about him getting raped in sixth grade, both
of us were crying. I held him and stroked his beautiful hair
while he sobbed and he got my shirt all wet with his tears and snot,
and mine too, I guess. Like a couple of little kids, we just
bawled. I could not bear that Philip had had to endure such pain,
and I guess for him, it was almost like going through it all over
again, just telling me all the horrible details.
I'm Not Gay: Ferris Concludes (for
real this time!)
quieted down, just sobbing a little bit from time to time, and I
grabbed some Kleenex and we both blew our noses and wiped our
faces. He looked at me.
why...” he started, at the same time I said, “You don’t have to...” and
we both stopped.
you...” I began again, and at the same time he was saying, “Ferris, do
again. It was almost funny. Almost. I wrapped my arms
tighter around him and just hugged him.
gonna let anything like that happen to you again,” I told him.
“Never, ever. I should have been there to protect you.”
didn’t even know me then. I didn’t even go to your school.”
care. I should have been there.” I know, it didn‘t make any
sense even as I said it, but it was all I could think to say to try to
express how I felt. Then I got mad.
motherfuckers! I’m gonna find ‘em and make them pay. I’m
gonna fucking kill those slimeballs. I’m gonna beat their asses
into the ground and rip their balls off and cut their goddam cocks off.”
I was suddenly
so angry I literally saw red. If one of those jocks had been
anywhere close, I would have done what I said. I would’ve.
Philip looked at me, shocked. He’d never seen me get really mad,
I guess. Because I almost never do. But when I get really
worked up, you better watch out. Fortunately, it almost never
happens, like I said.
don’t fight. I don’t want to and I don’t have to. Some big
dumb jerk tried to pick a fight with me a month or so ago by calling me
a fag, and I just smiled at him. He tried to take a swing at me
and I caught his wrist and held on to it, and then spun him around so I
had him in a headlock and his arm twisted behind his back. Then I
told him, in front of everyone, I said, “I don’t want to fight you and
I’m not going to. I don’t have to because everyone knows I can
flatten you. And you know it too. Later, Dude; have a nice
day.” I let go of him and walked away. No one has
bothered me since; they know what I said was true.
But what Philip
told me had really provoked me, and I did get mad. I guess it was
only because Philip was sitting on my lap that I didn’t get up and
start hitting something. He’s gotten a lot heavier than he used
to be, and I couldn’t just get up with him on top of me. Plus he
was holding my arms and I had mine around him. Then he kissed
me. It wasn’t one of those sexy turn on kisses. It was one
of those “I love you” kisses. And I kissed him back, and then we
just sat and hugged for awhile more.
said, “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. Are you?”
He said he was,
and we both knew we were OK. But I had a deep sadness in my
heart, knowing what he had suffered, and that crazy feeling that it was
my fault for not being there to protect him. I guess that just
comes from how much I love the boy.
“You know, I actually feel better now, better about it than I have
since it happened. I guess this is why Dr. Long wanted me to talk
about it. I don’t think I need to tell anyone else, though.
It’s not like I’ll ever forget about it, but I think I can just kind of
set it aside and not bother with it in my head any more.”
Then he looked
at me again, and said, “Ferris, you can’t let yourself think you have
to get back at them for me. I really can take care of myself, you
“I know you
can, Philip, but I still feel that way.”
“Well, you can
feel that way, but you can’t act that way. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I get
it. I can feel like I have to protect you but I don’t have to
actually do it. Which frustrates the hell out of me, you know.”
But we’ve both come a long way this year. You’ve accepted that
you’re gay, and you’re OK with it. I’ve accepted that I can be
gay without being a wimp. Plus I’ve got muscles now.” He
flexed his biceps, which I now was holding in my hands. He felt
strong and powerful under my grip and I admired his tight body by
running my hands up and down his arms, and then down his chest to his
abs and back up and around his back. “Plus, I’ve got you.
So we don’t have to do anything about the past, right?”
My wandering hands returned to his front and found the snap of his
jeans. I opened it and slid my hand inside until I found his
cock. He was soft, and that was fine. I just held him, and
he did the same thing to me, and we just sat and held each other, safe
together, in love, and at peace. I was sad about what had
happened to Philip, but happy about what was happening to us now.
A few weeks
later, I was spending the weekend at Philip’s. His parents were
away overnight again and we were looking forward to spending the night
together. That afternoon, we were walking through the park, on
the path by the tennis courts and b’ball hoops, when Philip stopped
dead in his tracks. “What’s wrong?” I asked him.
him. The boy I kicked in the balls. After the rape.
Let’s go the other way.”
But before we
could change course, the dude saw us, or saw Philip, more accurately,
and he froze, just like Philip had a moment ago. We couldn’t go
the other way now. We had to face him. My heart was beating
like crazy all of a sudden, and Philip grabbed my arm. The boy
looked around, probably hoping for some backups. But he was
alone. Then he started to back away from us as we walked toward
him. He looked scared. We had him cornered: there was
the b’ball fence behind him on two sides, and the tennis practice wall
on the third. He was still a big jock, but we were pretty good
sized ourselves now, and there were two of us.
hurt me, OK? Look, I’m sorry about that time at the Y, I really
am. It wasn’t my idea, it was Kyle’s, you know? We were
just fooling around. I didn’t want to do it, it just kind of got
out of hand. Don’t kick me, please don’t kick me.” He was
cowering in front of us, one hand in front to fend us off, the other
cupping his crotch.
scum bag,” Philip said. “You know what you did to me. You
practically killed me that day. You practically destroyed my
rectum. Do you have any idea how bad you hurt me? Do you?”
The boy’s face
was wide-eyed in fear and totally drained of color. He started to
tremble. “Look, I’m sorry, I really am sorry. I’ll make it
up to you, I swear. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll pay you
money. I’ll give you anything you want. Just don’t kick me,
please. Don’t kick me in the balls again.”
his sneakers off and moved into the ready position for action, and the
boy cringed even more. I didn’t know what he was planning to do
but I was ready to help, whatever it was.
“Maybe you need
to learn how bad you hurt me,” he said. “Maybe that’s what you
can do to make it up to me. Maybe you need to learn what it feels
like to have a big hard cock shoved up your ass.” He moved closer
to the cowering boy. “Drop your pants. Right now. Do
I looked at
Philip with alarm. Was he actually planning to fuck the
boy? He appeared dead calm and had a horrible mean look on his
face that I’d never seen before. In fact, this was my boyfriend
as I’d never seen him before. The boy’s hands were shaking so bad
he was having trouble getting his jeans open. Philip approached
him even closer and said, “Here, let me help you.” He yanked the
boy’s jeans open and down past his hips, revealing a shrunken cock and
scrotum drawn up tight with its single lump. Philip took it in
his hand and squeezed, making the boy yelp.
maybe after we fuck you, we’ll take care of that other ball. What
do you think, Ferris, should we get rid of it for him? I could
squash it like the other one. Or we could just cut it off.
You have your pocket knife, don’t you?” He let go, and to the boy
he said, ”Turn around and bend over.”
The boy was so
scared when Philip told him to turn and bend over, his bladder gave way
and he pissed himself, his pee totally soaking the jeans around his
thighs. He began bawling then, and dropped to his knees on the
ground. “No please, no, don’t kick me again, please don’t, I’ll
do anything, I promise, please don’t, please, please don’t cut my ball
Philip aimed a
kick in the direction of his face, but pulled it before he made
contact. The boy collapsed further into a fetal position, still
trying to protect his remaining ball. Instead of kicking, Philip shoved
the boy’s shoulder with his foot, rolling him onto his back, and
pulling his hand away from his crotch. He placed his foot on the
boy’s neck and added some pressure. The boy lay there in terror,
totally exposed, totally vulnerable.
“You know, I
could kill him,” Philip remarked to me as if commenting about what a
nice day it was. “I could also destroy his remaining ball.” To
the boy, he said, “Can you say ‘eunuch’? That means a man without any
balls. How does that sound to you? I don’t kill you but I
take away your other ball.”
The boy on the
ground just whimpered. I was terrified of what Philip might do.
removed his foot, and I started to breathe again. “But I’m not
the slimebag you are, and I’m not going to do it. You can keep
your miserable ball and your miserable life. You just remember
how low you are. You just remember how close you came.” He
stepped over the terrified boy and pushed his foot against his ball,
enough to make the boy gasp. Then he removed that foot as
well. “You just remember what you did, and you remember what I
didn’t do.” He picked up his sneakers and slipped them on.
“Let’s go Ferris. This is over. Completely over.” He took
my hand and led me back to the park path. “Let’s go
home.” I put my arm around his narrow waist and pulled him close.
“You had me
scared back there, you know,” I said as we walked away, leaving the
jock to get himself back together.
“I had me
scared, too. At first I was scared that he’d hurt me again.
And then I realized that he was more scared of me than I was of him” he
said. “And then, for a few seconds it was just like it was that
day. When I squashed his ball. I was only thinking about
how I could hurt him. But seeing him pee himself kind of made me
realize what I was doing. And all of a sudden I knew that if I
actually did anything to him, I’d be just as much a scumbag as he
was. So everything after that was an act.”
“But it’s over
now, isn’t it? Really over?”
really is. What’s that line we learned in History? The only
thing we have to fear is fear itself? I guess this was sort of
like that. I guess down deep I was still afraid that those guys
could hurt me again. But now I know they can’t. I faced my
fear and I defeated it.” He stopped walking and faced me, pulling
me against him. “And I did it with you by my side. I
couldn’t have done it alone.”
Then I kissed
him. Right out in the open, on the path in the park. And he
kissed me back, hard. The sexy turn-on kind of kiss. The
kind that makes me get hard. Which I did. Philip was all
over me, or was I all over him? Doesn’t matter, I guess. We
were both totally turned on and making out big time. We were in
each others’ pants and practically ready to start fucking. A tiny
part of me remembered that it would not be cool to get naked and fuck
in the town park at midday, so I pulled back. “Let’s go home,
Philip. Let’s go home so you can have your way with Ferris your
cockboy. Let’s go home so he can fellate little Philip.”
“You mean you
want me to come with you?” he teased.
want you to come in me,” I answered, and we both giggled. “Let’s
go. So we can come.” We made it home in record time, both of us
sporting major wet spots by the time we got there. The front door
had not even shut all the way before Philip had my pants down to my
ankles, and I was close behind with his. Then he paused long
enough to peel his tee shirt off, pulling it slowly up his toned chest
and over his head the way he knew I loved, and then attacking my own
shirt, destroying it in the process. (Sex with this boy is hard
on my tee shirt collection!) We pulled each other into a
hard hug, grinding our hardons against each other, and then Philip
asked me what I wanted first. I told him, and pulled him down to
the floor on top of me, and his perfect cock slipped into my welcoming
ass, and he jacked me as he fucked me and, setting another record for
the afternoon, we both came, him deep inside me, and me all over our
chests, and then we lay still, satisfied and spent, boyfriends in love
as well as in lust. I am so glad I’m gay.