Date: Mon, 22 Mar 2010 00:11:11 -0400
From: polevaulter973@aol.com
Subject: In My Heart- part 1

I hated him...no I didn't hate him, it was actually quite the opposite of
that, definitely, he made me crazy when he was around me. I could barely
catch a break from thinking about him. I prayed he didn't catch the meaning
of my stares. My feelings were turning to the dark shadows, my love was
turning to hate because of all the stress it put on me. I know he noticed
the distance I was putting between us.

He was like weed to me, he brought so much happiness to me, however he
could also be my end. His name was Camille his was birthday was in one
month on February seventh and on that day he'd be turning sixteen.  I've
known him for about...three years, four months, two days, and about
fourteen hours.  I know, its sad ha-ha.  I would of expected myself to
remember the exact details of the day we met but I don't, well not all of
them at least.

Any who, it was two am. And I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking
about Camille. I hated pushing him away and I noticed that he's beginning
to give up on me. With that in mind I got up and threw sum clothes on and
grabbed my phone and keys. I was sitting on my front porch and calling him,
I know I'm crazy he's probably sleeping.

"hello...?"

 "oh heyyy Camille its me ______, ...I couldn't sleep so I was just going
to stop by the store and get something sweet...

"and your telling me this because? He always tended to be a smart ass, but
I liked that about him.

"and I was wondering if u wanted to come with?" I heard him sigh and then
the line went dead. I was in shock , I didn't know he hated me.. does he
hate me? Ugh I'm such an idiot.

Five minutes later I heard the front door to his house, he was my neighbor,
and I'm very grateful for that.

"ohh, he-he I thought you didn't want to come with me.." I looked at him
and I couldn't resist to smile. He had something about him that made me
smile, there weren't any crazy butterflies but there was definitely
something there.

"No I just wasn't in the mood to talk, you know I'm not the happiest person
in the world when I wake up." he gave me a smile and turned to walk to my
car.

 I laughed to myself and we were on our way to 24hour shop.  If it wasn't
for the loud music Camille was dancing to the ride would've been quiet, I
think he was trying to avoid me but at the same time he wanted to be near
me. We finally got to the shop and He pushed me a little as we raced like
morons to the door.

"ha-ha watch it there jerk!" I playfully said to him. He stuck his middle
finger up at me in return. Goodness I love him.

As we were checking out the stuff the cashier kept smiling at me and even
winked at me. I politely smiled back and even winked back once, for her
though, I wasn't actually attracted to her or girls for that matter. She
stared into my eyes while she gave me my change back, and I winked for one
last time and told Camille "lets go."  We got in the car and I threw
Camille's candy at him.

"There's your stuff, loser" I said jokingly.

"Yeah, thanks." he said plainly.

I got a great idea and asked him If he wanted to go to the diner, I had a
strong idea that he would because I knew he was adventurous, but he
actually said no. I said ok, confused. Then after he asked me to take him
before he gets in trouble. I found that odd because he doesn't care about
stuff like that, he was willing to do crazy stuff and that's also what I
found attractive in him. The ride was quiet so I decided to put some music.
I hated the silence so I asked him what was wrong.

"nothing" he said in a blank tone.

That's when I realized something was wrong, he always got quiet and didn't
have much to say. I didn't know whether or not to continue on asking him
because if he didn't want to talk about it I'd just get him angry by
asking.

We reached home and I parked. Camille hurriedly took off his seatbelt and
opened his door.

"You're so stupid." I heard him mumble.

"Hey, Camille, wait up!" I yelled. He was walking fast to his front door.

He reached his front door and was ready to walk in, but he turned around
and looked at me straight in the eye. My heart sank, I saw tears in his
eyes. My mouth went dry and my stomach felt sick as if I had eaten
something rotten.

"I hate you so much." he said with his voice trembling.

 My heart dropped and my mind went blank, I stood there like an idiot and I
hadn't even noticed when he wasn't there anymore. Then my mind went from
blank to racing. I felt sick, nauseous. I was holding back tears. My throat
and jaw were beginning to ache from doing so. I realized that he must've
noticed what happened in the shop...I'm such an idiot. Of course he
noticed, what was I thinking! I don't even like women and I just messed up
my life, I didn't win anything.

I laid in bed that night, thinking of how mindless I was. He hated me, and
that's what made my chest hurt and fell asleep from all the stress.


The next morning I woke up in bed around three-ten in the afternoon. I
dragged myself out of bed and walked into the bathroom and lazily pissed. I
turned on the shower and didn't bother looking in the mirror because after
what happened I knew that I wasn't the best looking person in the world and
probably looked like I had gotten hit by a car. I sat in the shower for
what felt like a long hour. I didn't know what to do...I had broken the
heart of the boy that I was so crazy for, I guess its what I asked for
right? I wanted to push him away and indeed it worked.

After my shower I threw on some clothes and grabbed my bag that held all my
sketchbook in and pencils. I loved to sketch and often did it to make time
pass by. I didn't grab my car keys cause I felt the need to walk, and maybe
go get a coffee. As I stepped outside my house I saw Camille and my feet
froze, my breathing became ragged, I even got goose bumps. When his eyes
finally did reach me they were blank and gave me the chills. I didn't
notice till they reached his front steps that he had company. It was a boy,
black hair, I think his eyes were green.. or maybe that was just the
sunlight fooling me, his clothes were something similar to what Camille
would go for; he had on skinny jeans and this striped sweater.  The two
were laughing while Camille was trying to open the door with his keys , but
he accidentally dropped them and he bent down to pick them up and his
friend grabbed his hips and hugged him. My mouth dropped and I was
speechless, I began to mumble to myself. Some fucking stranger was all over
Camille. Camille released himself and laughed, that's when a lump started
forming in my throat and I got a sharp pain in my chest. At last he got the
door open and I was still standing there my body shaking with anger that
Camille actually thought it was funny. I'm sure he remembered that I was
standing there and watching this all. He glanced at me once before walking
inside with his friend. I was so pissed I just took off striding off to
somewhere I had no mind of, I just wanted to get away from these haunting
feelings.

 So many thoughts rushed through my head while I was walking. The thought
of them fucking in Camille's room having the time of their lives. Was his
friend gay?  Of course he was, I saw the way his eyes had a look of lust,
but what actually had me worried more than his lust was that I saw
compassion in his eyes. If there was compassion there were deeper feelings,
feelings that would mean that Camille had to have some for him too. They
were friends after all, and compassion has much more feeling than lust and
it takes time to form, therefore Camille could have actually formed some
kind of liking to his friend. I was also thinking of this feeling that was
in the back of my head and I wanted to avoid it because I loved Camille, so
how could I honestly hate him.

After walking for what seemed like hours I ended up back home and the sun
was going down. I fumbled with my keys to open my damn door and I couldn't
focus enough to open the door so I gave up and through my keys into a bush
and through myself down on my porch, I bet I looked like a mad man, but I
was overwhelmed with all this stress and life... it was getting real
difficult to handle. Between the time that I had been laying there on my
porch I decided that I know what I want and there isn't much to think
about. I fucked up, I know that, but I know that I'm also hopelessly in
love with this boy named Camille, that I would do just about anything for
him. If he truly did love me he would forgive me, well maybe not that's not
like him to completely forgive people so easily, but he would speak at
least more than three words to me.

 I decided to walk over to his house, I was feeling anxious, nervous and
scared to the point that I trembled a little. I took a deep breathe and
exhaled. That's when I heard the front door open and my heart began to race
and beat wildly. I felt something close to what I assumed to be like being
struck by lightning. I felt the cold wind contradict the hot sweat that was
beginning to form because of how nervous I was. "Wow", I thought, a fifteen
year old boy is doing this to me.

Out walked Camille's buddy, which made my heart sink, however I noticed
that he didn't look so happy, and when our eyes met it was as if he was the
devil himself and was going to torture me until I begged to die. He brushed
past me, hah, if I was only younger I'd show him what it means to respect
someone.

Then he took my breathe away; Camille was standing at the door with a sad
look in his eyes, and then it morphed into a look of dislike. Did he really
hate me? He didn't speak a word to me and closed the door. My heart sank
and my depression ignited into anger. He didn't give me a chance to explain
to him how sorry I was, that it hurt me so deeply to know that I, myself,
was the cause of his sadness.


 Two years passed before Camille and myself actually spoken to one another,
and it wasn't by choice to say the least.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

********************

This is my first time writing a story and if you have any comments,
pointers or feedback or opinions;anything I would appreciate it if you
emailed me at polevaulter973@aol.com