Those two nights and the rest of the day passed in a flash. Jaume, back at work, recalled those thirty-five hours spent with Kiril. They had been a dream. Not only they made love several times; but they talked. They opened to each other. They now knew each other better.
Each minute, each second of those thirty-five hours had been fantastic, and the two boys savoured them enormously. Jaume recalled Kiril. Visualizing him in his mind, joyful, thoughtful, silent, passionate, reflective, pouting, smiling shyly at times, at times radiant, at times mischievous, at times sly and provocative. It was beautiful looking at him, touching him, caressing, embracing, holding him fast, feeling him. It was beautiful hanging over him or staying under him, by his side, intertwining their limbs, kissing him.
Jaume was more and more attracted to him, or rather, more and more in love. And he was scared. They would meet again the following day - Kiril already had a date for that afternoon, and another for the evening. So much the better, possibly.
In the meantime, Jaume passed Mikel's lodging. He wasn't there so he left him a note making a date for that evening at Parrot's. He hoped to see him again, not only because he liked the boy, but above all because he hoped, spending the night with the young soldier would make him forget about Kiril. He went to play tennis, then to his German lesson. But this time like previously, they didn't study.
As soon as Jaume went upstairs to the professor's, he said: "I'm sorry, but I have no head to study, today."
"All right, it doesn't matter, we can postpone it."
"But, professor... I would like to make love with you."
"You want me to suck you all the same?" the man asked with a slight smile.
"No... I mean, that too. But this time I would like to come to bed with you..."
"You never wanted... You know that I'd be more than happy, don't you? How come today you've changed your mind?"
"I don't know. That is... possibly yes, but... I don't feel like talking about it."
"As you like. All right."
The man took him into his bedroom. They undressed, almost shy with each other. They slipped under the sheets and made love. Jaume did his best to make the elder man happy.
At the end, the professor said: "You made me die with pleasure, Jaume. I would never have dreamed of such an adventure... moreover with you. You are really exceptional, besides very beautiful."
"Thank you. I owed that to you."
"To me? And why?"
"You didn't want just a good cock to take in your mouth, right? You desired a person to person relationship."
"Sure, but you never wanted and... and I contented myself. And dreamed about you."
"Forgive me. I always treated you so coldly... You didn't deserve it."
"No, not coldly. With... detachment, perhaps. You were not interested in me, I understand that well. It was a... business transaction, right? You allowed me to suck you, and I gave you a lesson in German. But why today..."
"I... you are a good man. You didn't deserve to be treated with... with detachment, as you say."
"What's up, Jaume? I can't believe that you suddenly are interested in me, I'm not so naive. What's up, then?"
"Nothing. That is... I'm falling in love with a boy, and I don't want that. I can't. I cannot afford that."
"Ah, the one you were telling me about last time?"
"Yes, him."
"It is surely not making love with me that you'll get him out of your mind. On the contrary. This is not the reason..."
"No, it is that... I need to talk with somebody, and he must be someone I know intimately and respect, and..."
"That's why you wanted to come to bed with me?"
"True. But also to tell you, to show you that you are for me a person, and not just a..."
"An old cock sucker?"
"Right, it's exactly that."
"A funny way to show esteem, but... effective and agreeable, I must admit... But now, tell me..."
They talked. Jaume completely opened himself up to the professor, told him about himself, Pedro Augusto, Miguel, about his life as a hustler, about Juan, Kevin, Patrick, Mario, about all his experiences, good or bad, about all his hopes and disappointments, and finally about Kiril. The teacher was listening, lightly caressing him, only interrupting him with a question to better understand, letting him talk freely.
At the end, when Jaume asked him what he had to do, the teacher tightened a little the hook of his arm around Jaume's shoulders, and said: "You said it - If you refuse to meet him again, you will suffer a lot for that. If you accept to love him, you risk suffering again. I don't think it is possible to follow a middle course. You too said it - it is impossible to remain just good friends, at this point. But, if you accept to love him... you are jealous of his clients, you said."
Jaume nodded in assent, thoughtful.
"And from what you say, he is also jealous of your clients, right?"
"In some way... it seems so."
"Would you be ready to renounce... your job? Would you be able to? You have a good job, as a chief waiter. The boy could find a good job, also. Therefore, you wouldn't have money problems. You will have less money, sure, but without problems if you just accepted a more simple way of living. But... will you be able to give up meeting with other men?"
"I don't know. In words, everything seems easy, possible, beautiful. I think it will be possible, but life is sad. Betrays."
"No, Jaume. Life is as we want it to be, at least for the essential things."
"It's not true. I wanted to stay with Pedro Augusto, or with Kevin, or... But they did not. They refused me, threw me away."
"No, Jaume. They simply weren't the right people for you. You did idolize them, you did deceive yourself. You made the basis for your disappointments. Like with the French man."
"And is it wrong to be under the illusion of being the only important thing for the people one loves?"
"Yes. You can be the only important thing just for the person who loves you, not for the one you love. Do you understand me? To love is just to give, never to demand. Even if I admit that it is not at all easy. See, will you be ready to renounce all your clients for that boy?"
"I'll try. I think I could."
"Very good. But you cannot demand him to do the same. If he will do it, all the better, of course. But if he wasn't ready, would you be ready to love him all the same, to live with him?"
"I don't know... I would suffer..."
"Well, the answer is there, believe me. If you feel ready to give all you are able to give, without demanding anything back, but accepting just what he could be able to give you, then, don't give him up. Even if something causes you pain. But if you are not able to, if what he is able to give you is not enough for you, then it would be better to suffer now by renouncing him than putting yourself in the position to suffer a lot more in the future, day after day. Do you understand that?"
"What you are asking me is... enormous! Giving without receiving!"
"No, not without receiving. Giving without demanding. You'll receive all the same, but... See, if you wait for a "ten" and he gives you just a "five", you will be disappointed. But if you wait for a "zero" and he gives you a "five", you'll be happy. And yet, what he gives you in both cases is always exactly a "five". Therefore, who built your disappointment or happiness it is you, not him."
"But Pedro, and Kevin, and Patrick..."
"They just demanded, without giving. From them, there was no love. Kevin possibly could have been slightly different, but he too, in reality, didn't love you, only an image he built for himself... But this boy, it seems that he loves you. For what you are, as you are, at least from what you told me."
"Yes, perhaps. But will he be ready to wait for nothing from me?"
"Why, do you want to give him nothing?"
"No, no... But I don't know if I will be able to give him what he wants from me. How is it possible to understand if two people are really right for each other?"
"Trying... and risking to suffer."
"You... were you happy with Ramon?"
"Certainly."
"All of the twenty-five years?"
"Sure. He had his faults and I had mine. But we accepted each other as we were. We had difficult moments, heavy, sad - it was when one of us started to demand. But we helped each other to overcome them. With patience and love."
"Kiril and I... we have to learn to know each other better, possibly."
"I think so. And try to see how much each of you is able to give, and how much each is able to not expect something in exchange."
Jaume nodded, then turned and kissed the professor, telling him in a murmur: "Thank you... thank you."
"Jaume? May I ask you something? Even if this will possibly be the last time we will have such a physical contact..."
"Ask me, and if I can..."
"Let's be less formal. I would like us to become friends, real friends. Besides sex and lessons."
"I... I'll try. I too would be glad to become your friend. We already took the first step."
"Thank you, Jaume."
"Thanks to you... Emili."
That evening when Jaume went to Parrot's, he already felt better.
Mikel was there waiting for him: "Jaume! I received your note. I'm so happy, you know? Tomorrow I have to leave and... you want to spend the night with me, right?"
"Sure, I want to talk with you."
"Just talk? I hoped..." Mikel said and blushed, then added "Anyway, as you like. Even just to talk, if that's what you want."
Jaume smiled: "But no, sure, that also, don't worry. Rather, let's not waste more time, come now to my place."
"I would like to offer you something, first."
"No, there are plenty of drinks at my place. Come."
"But I really wanted to offer you..."
"Offer me yourself, your company, your friendship."
"More than willingly. Let's go."
While they were walking towards Jaume's house, Mikel merrily said: "Do you know that last night I dreamed about you?"
"Really? I thought you'd have dreamed of your man... what's his name..."
"Juan. He is close inside my heart. But you... you are so beautiful, so sexy..."
"More than your Juan?"
"Yes, sure. Even if to me Juan is very beautiful."
"So, why did you dream about me?"
"Well, you are special. You made me pass a great night... super. You are the best, besides Juan."
"But you and Juan, do you cheat on each other often?"
"No, almost never. At times, when we are separated for such a long time like now. Juan is... Juan!"
"Juan is your first love?"
"If you mean in the sense of being madly in love, yes. But not physically. Before him I had three other boys, and I was also somewhat in love with them."
"But, if you met Juan when you were not even fifteen!"
"My first boy, was when I was thirteen. He was a neighbour, he was eighteen. We were together for five months. I felt like I was in heaven. He taught everything to me. But then he got a crush on another boy and jilted me. He was no longer interested in me."
"Did you suffer?"
"At first, yes, very much. But then I told myself that he didn't deserve me. He didn't deserve my love nor my tears. So I stopped crying."
"Yes, it is possibly then... And after?"
"I met a twenty-eight year old man, at the river."
"And how long where you together?"
"Too long. Almost eleven months. He was married, you see, and had also two small children. I... I was the spare wheel. When he felt like fucking, he whistled. But then, it was evident and perhaps even logical, his family came before me. Even his wife came before me. So I left him."
"Without regrets?"
"And how! I liked him, I liked him so much. But I understood that I couldn't make my life with him, therefore it was pointless to deceive myself. He could just give me his body, on occasion, a little affection for a few hours... but nothing more. And it was not enough for me. I wanted his love. At least a little. But he seemed almost ashamed of me..."
"And then?"
"Then I met a nineteen year old boy, Carlos. He was so beautiful. He was the champion of our pelota team. We were together for six months."
"Did he leave you?"
"Yes and no. He was terribly jealous. I met my Juan. But I didn't go to bed with him, anyway. I knew that Juan liked me, and I liked him too. But we were just friends, because I was with Carlos. But Carlos was so terribly jealous, and kicked up a row, and he didn't want me to meet Juan. Therefore, with regret, I didn't meet Juan any more. But one evening I come out from the movies and saw Juan was coming out, by chance. We didn't even see each other in the theatre. And Carlos was waiting for me. When I arrived near Carlos, he made a nasty scene and beat me. I told him that I was his boy, I never did anything with any other person. But Carlos didn't believe me. He told me that I was just a bitch and that I let everybody fuck me behind his back. I told him to stop or I would leave him. And he just said that it was over."
"So you went with Juan?"
"No, three months passed. I started again to meet Juan, but without any sex. I felt attracted by Juan, but I still hoped that Carlos... Then, one day, Juan asked to take me to the movies. I was alone at home, my parents were out. So he came upstairs. I was changing in my room and was thinking that Juan desired me, and that he was just in the other room, and that if it was not me to take the first step, he would not even touch me, because he respected me and he knew that I still was waiting for Carlos to come back to me... Juan respected me, do you see? And I was waiting for Carlos who didn't have either trust or respect for me! Wasn't I stupid? So I went in the other room, stood in front of Juan, naked as the day I was born, and told him that I wanted to make love with him. So we started. And I became aware that what he was feeling for me was different from all the others. To him, I was important. He wasn't just interested in enjoying himself, but he was doing all he could to make me feel good. Not just in bed, do you see? He really loved me. So, little by little, I fell in love with him. I learned to love him, I don't know if I made myself clear. I became aware that what I felt before for the others, was not really love. There was affection, yes, but mainly desire to enjoy. And desire to be loved. With Juan, on the contrary, what I felt was mainly desire to make him happy and to love him. And with him I discovered the joy of making him happy. You see, with you too, after all, there is just desire to enjoy. I like you very much, you are likable, you really are special. But between you and me, I come first. I do it for myself, I mean, not for you. Between Juan and me, on the contrary, he comes first. Am I clear?"
"Yes, sure." Jaume answered and kissed him pushing him towards the room of mirrors.
They undressed each other, and climbed onto the wide bed.
"Listen, Mikel, for a while you will be lonely again. Tonight you have to fill the tank, as you say, right? Well then, tell me what you want to do, anything. I want this night to be all yours, as you want it. Tonight I want you to touch the sky with your finger tips, I will do everything you desire."
"Do you have males videos, porno, I mean? Yes? Put on one, and we will do everything that the actors do. It has always been one of my secret fantasies..."
Jaume smiling nodded. Moved one of the mirrors aside revealing the wide screen TV. He switched it on and started one of the videos, then went back next to Mikel on the bed. And their erotic game started, long and passionate, they were the mirror of what happened on the screen. They did everything until, at the end of the third video, they both collapsed, sated, exhausted, panting on the wide bed.
Jaume shut off the TV, went back near Mikel and embraced him: "Satisfied?"
"Yes, it has been great! Do you feel sleepy?"
"Not too much."
"Do you feel like telling me about youself?"
"All right, willingly."
For the second time that day, Jaume told all about himself, and the problem with Kiril.
"As you are talking about this Kiril, you are madly in love with him. Abandon everything. Stick together. It's so great living as a couple! Jump, Jaume!"
"You would do it?"
"And how! And for sure it is not looking for another handsome boy that you can forget your Kiril. That's why tonight you looked for me, right? But you can make love with me a thousand times, and with a thousand other boys, now Kiril is in your heart and nobody can give you enough. Therefore, you can cut away your heart, or you can give it to him."
"But I feel like making love again with you."
"Me too. Let's do it. But don't deceive yourself - I have in my heart only for Juan, and you have Kiril, this is the truth."
They again united, but this time with a strange tenderness, grateful to each other for the gentleness they were sharing, for that intimacy no longer just physical, but both conscious that they would have preferred to be in bed, to make love, with another. But in some way, Jaume dedicated himself to Mikel, and Mikel to Jaume, and what they exchanged was really almost an exchange of love.
They both perceived that, and when they again reached their orgasm, staying tightly embraced, they kissed for a long while, then Jaume whispered: "Thank you, little soldier. You have been so sweet!"
"I'm happy. This last time has been the best for me, because there was not just sex."
"No, you are right. We were, you and I, really naked. Inside our souls."
"If I was not so much in love with Juan..."
"I know, little soldier. I too thought that. And I somewhat envied your Juan."
"But now you have Kiril, isn't it?"
"I think so, I hope so. And possibly also thanks to you, do you know? That's why I feel I somehow love you."
"Will you come to visit us, in Germany? I'll send you our address."
"Will Juan agree?"
"I really think so. He is really a good, my man, and he really loves me."
"So, you'll really write to me?"
"Sure. I too feel I love you, somehow. And after this last time, we cannot make love any more, you and I - we will spoil everything."
"That's true. I'm happy I met you. You are the most remarkable boy I ever met."
"After Kiril, of course." Mikel said with a mischievous smile.
"After Kiril, of course."