LITTLE PORCELAIN HUNTER V.
This, the final chapter of the story contains material of a sexual nature
between a pre-pubescent boy and an adult.
Should such material offend you or if it is illegal to access such, please leave now.
This is a work of complete fiction and should be read in that context.
Any resemblance to people alive or dead is purely coincidental.
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As I sobbed my eyes out, Ryan was strangely silent, just cuddling me as I let go of my emotions.
He never tried to talk me out of what was happening to me but just let me get it out of my system.
I finally ran out of tears. I was drained. I couldn't cry any more but my breathing was still coming in huffs and puffs.
Ryan pulled closer to me and snuggled his head into my neck.
"Bet you feel better now, right"?
"Think so but I feel so very sad inside still. I wonder if you can understand. It's like I being wrenched in half. My feelings for you, you know, how much I love you, tells me that this is right but the `proper law abiding me feelings' tell me I'm so very bad. Ryan... I'm scared of how I feel about you".
"I'm not scared! I love you too, remember"?
"Maybe at your age, the word `love' is something of a throw-away word".
"No it's not! I'm here with you, right? Do I look scared? Do I look like I want to run home? Do I look like...I want to tell on you and stuff? We're friends, yeah? I think you are so hot and stuff"!
Now I could feel the tears rolling down his little face and that set me off again.
"Hot! Oh my God! Hey my little man, I love you! Please stop crying"!
Ryan clung to me like a limpet and slowly settled down. We were both emotionally drained.
We both drifted off to sleep. Safe. Secure and at comfortable with each other.
I woke first. Ryan had slightly released his grip on me and I was able to wriggle out of bed and use the toilet – a most necessary need!
I looked back in on him and he was still well out of it so I decided to take a shower.
My mind was still in turmoil though.
All the `what ifs' were plaguing my head.
I know he thinks he loves me! Ok. That's cool. What happens when his parents get back to the UK and what about Cheryl when she gets out of hospital!
I didn't know!
What happens when he grows up and find that he likes girls? Well I do as well but...
What would he think of me then?
Would he trade me in to salve his own conscience?
Who would break first, - Ryan or me?
How could I ever live without him!
I'm not a religious person but I found myself on my knees and I almost screamed
"PLEASE GOD! HELP ME HERE"!
There was no `bolt from heaven' however I did feel strangely calmer. The tears stopped flowing and almost able to think rationally.
There was absolutely no doubt in my mind how I felt towards him. – I loved him, - so very much!
Even if there were never to be any `sexual' contact ever again, it almost wouldn't matter so much. Just don't deprive me of his cuddles and smiles and even his occasional temper tantrums! They were just a part of this kid that I adored with every bone in my body.
The unanswerable question ` how would he feel in the years to come'.
Well shit! I didn't know and neither did he what happened between us was, well almost like a mutual seduction.
I found that comforting.
He didn't just live for the moment, running away after he'd climaxed with the feeling of guilt and shame. Afraid to look you in the eye until the hormones dictated that it was good to go at it again. – No. Quite the opposite.
He became even more tactile and loving after the event.
I concluded that he was in love with me. Even one so very young.
I wasn't aware that governments had put into place legislation dictating an age at which it was ok to feel that emotion?!
Still, the knotty question stood solid.
I had, in the eyes of the law, sexually abused him and I could go down for many years as a result.
I had to figure out how to deal with it.
Facts were facts. That, - I couldn't escape from.
We bumbled through the day and by supper time, I was feeling more like my old self. Ryan was still `Ryan', happy and always by my side.
"What we going to eat tonight Jon? I'm starved! Energy, man"!
"You want energy boy! It's pasta! All the good stuff! You won't want to sleep tonight without the good things this can do for you!"
"I don't like pasta!
"Yeah you do!. You want to be the big swimmer boy, don't you?"
"Yeah and what?"
"So it's pasta night ! Come on mate! Just for me? Give it a try?"
A voice through the open window caught both of us by surprise.
"Maybe he's talking some sense, son? Give it a go!"
Ryan stopped dead in his tracks. A knock on the door followed.
The man, the other end of the knock, - 6 foot tall and then a bit, cast a shadow over the porch way but he looked so very vulnerable and nervous.
"Hi. You must be Jon. I'm Peter. – Ryan's father. I, - wondered if I could, ahem, see him for a while? Sorry for the short notice but ---, stuff you see – family problems. I couldn't have done much else. – Please?"
Ryan looked at me and then to his Dad, almost asking permission to greet him.
A slight nod of my head and Ryan ran to his father and cuddled him.
Over coffee and an hour of conversation, Ryan sat with his father. His normal exuberance had left him and kept looking at me, - questions in his eyes.
I broke the rather `pregnant silence'.
"Ryan. Why don't you do the stuff on the tractor. – Oils, water and stuff. Me and your Dad will have time to talk, ok? Oh and by the way. Could you put the mower on for me mate?"
"We'll come and find you in a bit ok?"
Ryan skipped off, tractor keys in hand – allowing Peter and I to talk.
"Will he be ok with a sit on mower by himself", Peter questioned?
"Probably not but I don't have one. He's really good with a five and a half ton farm tractor though"!
"You are shitting me! Really?"
"Come and watch him. He won't see us."
As we walked up to the tractor shed, Peter quizzed me about Ryan.
"You see, Jon. Ryan's mum and I are professional people. We run companies, travel extensively with our work. Ryan kind of happened unintentionally. We actually thought about a termination when we found out but couldn't bring ourselves to go ahead with it.
The fact is, we're neither of us well, what you would call `natural parents'.
He's my son but I feel uncomfortable with him. I don't know what to say or do.
I know it's a pretty lame excuse but that's me and his mum isn't much better. Sorry."
"Don't apologise to me Peter. We're all different. I just wish I'd had the chance to have kids! My wife..."
Peter interrupted me.
"Yes. I know and I'm sorry. You miss her."
"Yeah, - I do! I'm a `one woman' person! She could never be replaced! – Hey, look now Pete!"
A little figure behind the controls of a very large tractor emerged from the barn.
Very skilfully, he manoeuvred around the yard before coming to a halt.
Ryan climbed down and walked over to the mower deck that I'd asked him to connect up to.
"See that bit of kit there, the one he's looking at?"
"I see it. What is it?"
"The mower deck I asked him to connect to the tractor.
It weighs almost half a ton. You and I collectively couldn't drag it but just watch. – He might take a couple of stabs at it but he'll connect up and take it to the gate."
We stood and watched as Ryan manoeuvred, - once only, - and hitched up and away.
"Let's get back to the house Peter. You've seen your lad in action, - best not to embarrass him!"
"But that was unbelievable! I can't even reverse a trailer!"
"Get him to teach you sometime! Oh yes. – He can do it!"
Back in the house, Peter and I talked.
"My wife and I have talked about this and at some length.
We're not coming back to England anytime soon. Looking after Ryan, taking him halfway across the world, dumping him in a school where he doesn't know anyone, - all the shit! – Not possible.
Cheryl was a lifeline but since her illness, - even when she comes out of hospital, - she won't be able to cope. – That coupled with the fact that Katie and Ryan spark off of each other, - well!"
"Katie's getting a little more tolerant?"
"Maybe. Perhaps it's because of you're influence? Thought about that?"
"Where's this going Peter?"
"Ok. I'll cut to the chase.
We cannot take him with us. It's just neither practical nor fair on either him or us.
Cheryl, bless her, won't be able to cope for months. Recuperation will take time and it's not right that we should expect her to look after a boy of his age and rest and relax."
I almost knew what was coming.
"Hold it Pete. I need a drink. You?"
"Beer, wine, scotch? Anything Jon!
You know what I'm going to say, don't you?"
I opened a bottle of red and poured each of us a very large glass.
"No. I don't know what you're going to say, actually?
First I should say something.
He has pulled me around. Since Trish died, it seemed as if I was just going through the motions. Then this little kid, full of attitude, full of mischief, happened into my life.
At first, it was a welcome distraction.
Then, as his visits to my place became more frequent, - ok! – He was a pain in the arse!
Cheryl had that bug from the hospital.
Ryan has been here ever since and there's something you should know.
He has been by my side all the time. You've seen how good he is with the tractor. – Look at his computer skills! – Shit! – He's better than me!
The bitter part now and I'm not sure how I can put this into words."
"He's like the son you never had, - isn't he?"
The tears were tricking down my face.
"Yes Peter! I'm so scared of loosing him!
I don't know if I'm saying this right. I love him! My God!"
"Like a father should feel for his son."
"He's not my son!"
"You asked me to `cut to the chase', right?"
"I'm not stupid. Katie, Cheryl and other people have commended you! Ryan is a different boy since you took him under your wing!
It's bloody obvious that he sees you as a father figure rather than me!
I can't give him the life he deserves, - well not the, oh shit, - the `cuddly – feely sort of love he needs as a kid.
You love him as if he was your own son, - don't you!"
"OK! YES! I do.
The prospect of.."
"We want you to be Ryan's legal guardian.
You can't adopt him as a single guy and, we don't want to be totally beyond reach as his natural parents!
Could you cope with him?
"Are you sure? I mean you know almost nothing about me?"
"Don't need to know much more Jon!
Just looking at so happy he is! The skills he's learning and ...!"
Tears forming in Peters eyes.
"Get a grip! Ryan's coming in.
You tell him Peter. – Oh by the way. – Yes! Gladly!"
"You see son, - Mummy and I are always away working. We would love for you to be with us but it just isn't possible.
Your Auntie Cheryl hasn't been well and so I've talked with Jon and he's agreed to look after you as your guardian."
"What's a guardian Dad?"
"A guardian is a person who takes care of you when we're away. It's a legal thing. It's not like child minding, - more like a `stand in' parent.
Jon has agreed to look after you.
You'll live with him, - he'll take care of you. You'll go to school as normal, - everything as normal but Jon will be your `stand in' Dad until we come back to England."
"When are you coming home?"
"Son, - I'm not sure. I've got to go back tonight but I'll see you the next time I'm back in England. Maybe Mum can make it too! That'll be nice, won't it!"
Ryan was shaking! He was just so angry! His father just didn't see it!
He stood up and turned towards the door, then stopped, - turned and looked at his father.
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE! "
Peter just threw me a sheepish smile as Ryan stormed up the stairs.
"That's Ryan for you?"
"Sort the paperwork out and get back to me. He'll be fine in a bit.
I don't think he'll be down again tonight though".
Peter stood up and went towards the door.
"See what I mean? I just don't know how to handle kids!
My solicitor will be in touch to sort the detail with you.
Hug him for me Jon?
I really wish I was better at being a Dad!
I do love him, - I do! I just can't get to show him?"
"I'll make sure he knows that you love him, - that he has a Dad who cares but..."
"Can't cut it?"
"Something like that but explained somewhat more delicately!"
With Peter gone, I went in search of Ryan.
Face down on the bed and sobbing his eyes out.
I sat by his side and put my hand on his back, gently caressing him.
He turned towards me, - his once beautiful eyes, - all red and puffy with his crying.
He grabbed me with all the strength he could muster.
"It's ok mate. Things are going to be fine.
Your Dad loves you and your Mum too but things don't always work to the book.
I love you too and that's not in the book either!
You know something?"
"This is your home now. You and me!
No more worries. – No more tears. You and me! – Just you and me, - together!
Let's go down stairs and have some supper. Then I think we should have an early night.
It's been a long day and, - I don't know about you, - but I could use a really big cuddle!
Oh and by the way.
I love you very much!"
However, not for them, thank God!