Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2006 17:11:39 -0700 (PDT)
From: Joseph Smith <gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com>
Subject: Love and Death in Venice  adult/youth

(Author's notes: Copyright 2006. All emails welcomed and answered. This
isn't a typical Nifty story. It isn't about sex, but some sex does happen.)


Love and Death in Venice

Chapter 5


I thought about whether a talk would have made a difference. Obviously, in
his mind, he didn't think so. But in mine, I did.

"I do."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because if I had made you stay and talk to me, then I really think it
would have turned out differently."

"I don't know."

"I do. Despite what you said about those meds you were taking, I still
think I could've calmed your concerns."

I began to wonder why he just couldn't tell me that he didn't want to move
in with me. We could have stayed friends; that was the important thing.

We changed the subject rather quickly. He told me he got the letter this
morning and had lunch with a girl friend of his. They talked about the
letter, and he wondered what my motives were. I told him all I was
interested in was finding him alive, and safe, and happy.

Finally, he invited me to 'view his webcam'. I invited him to mine. I saw
his face for the first time in five years, and he didn't look like he had
changed.

"You look the same," I told him.

"Yeah. You look terrible."

"I've been sick," I said, telling him all about my illness two years before
and how I nearly died.

"You look all hung over. You've gained weight. Are you still drinking
Pepsi?"

Chase used to come to my apartment and inspect my refrigerator, looking for
my soft drinks. I had always told him I was a 'pepsi-holic'. He tried to
get me to quit. It didn't take.

"Yes, I am."

"My brother-in-law stopped drinking Pepsi and started drinking lots of
water. He lost thirty pounds."

"I need to lose more than that."

"It's a start. You're eating too much fast food too, aren't you?"

"Yes. I don't cook here."

"How do you really feel?" he asked me.

"I've felt better."

Chase was a big health freak. He got that from his mother.

The subject changed again. I asked about his email where he said a good
friend of his had passed away.

"That was Charley. He was the first guy I was with. I wanted a relationship
with him, and he told me no. So we stayed close friends. I wasn't happy
about the official report of his death."

Chase went on to explain the extenuating circumstances, and thought there
was more to it.

I saw him pick up the phone and dial. I wondered whom he was calling. I saw
him say a few words. He clicked it and redialed and my phone rang. I have
one of those Virgin phones, where you pay as you go. I didn't have any
credit to get a low down payment for a regular cell phone.

"Hi," I said.

"Hello."

"There's a voice I haven't heard in a long time. It hasn't changed either."

"You sound the same, too," he said. "I called your parents' number by
mistake and talked to your Dad, who said you didn't live there."

Chase had taken the number from my résumé.  It was typical of my Dad not to
offer more information.

We had been chatting on line now for about an hour. Talking to him on the
phone was so much better.

"Do you ever read stories on Nifty?"

"Yeah, all the time," he said.

"I wrote one about us."

"Oh really?" he said, excited.

I told him the name of the story and he remembered the title. He
immediately went to Nifty and read the first chapter and said that was all
him, but wouldn't read anymore because it was just too freaky.

"Are you single?" he asked.

"Yeah, always been single. Hate it actually."

"I have a boyfriend."

I may have suspected that he did. Maybe, in the back of my mind, I was
hoping that he didn't and that, maybe, I might have another chance at him.

"I saw the look on your face," he said.

I really didn't think I reacted to the news of the boy friend, but
apparently the disappointment showed.

"All I ever cared about in finding you was that you were alive and
safe. Everything else is secondary."

It was about ten o'clock when we started talking by phone. We had a lot to
catch up on. I gave him my history since 1999 and he gave me his. We even
shared private things that we had only told our therapists over the years,
and promised never to tell anyone else.

We talked about how we felt about each other. He told me that he loved,
cared and had feelings for me. I told him I felt the same way.

Chase remembered what happened when he helped me move that time when I felt
sexual tension between us. He felt it, too.  That moment, he said, was when
I fell for him. I denied falling in love with him. I just couldn't see that
happening. With my wife it took several months into the marriage before I
realized I was "in" love. This was nothing like that.

I began to feel like he trusted me, and I wanted to feel the same way with
him. We spoke long into the night. I had less than three hours on my phone
card and my phone only had three hours of battery life. When we hung up at
five in the morning, my phone battery was just giving out. We spoke for
seven hours and I suspected a greater power was at work, enabling my phone
to stay on for those extra hours.

I asked why he stayed up so late when he had to get up early for work and
he told me that he did it to let me know that he cared about me.

As I lay in bed that morning, I felt at peace; I had finally found him and
had talked it all out. I sensed he had matured; taking on the
responsibilities of a business and home.

In our conversation he asked what I wanted to do, what my plans were. I
told him I really wanted to go back to Texas. I figured on staying in my
job for a year or so to save enough to move back. Without hesitating, he
suggested that I move in with him as a roommate. I told him I wasn't
fishing for that, and he said he knew that. He said that he had been
thinking about having a roommate and that he could use the help with the
household expenses.

I agreed only if I had a job to come over for. I wouldn't consider having
him support me.

I felt happier than I had in ten years. I had a plan. I was going to move
to Dallas to live with Chase. He did make it clear that it was only as a
roommate and nothing else. I accepted that.

The next day at work, I felt a whole new confidence. I was leaving, and I
knew it, and since it was the fifth of October, I planned to be there by
Thanksgiving.

I bought more phone cards and realized at that rate, I would be spending a
couple of hundred dollars on that phone talking to Chase.

That night, when I got home from work, I hit gay.com and put myself out
there in the Dallas rooms to find some friends, maybe a boyfriend.

Chase called that night and we only talked for about an hour. He was tired
and I understood. Two days later, while urinating, the phone fell off the
clip on my belt and fell into the toilet. I freaked out. I had no way to
talk to Chase.

Chase offered, as a gift, the money to open an account with Sprint. I
resisted because I really didn't want to be that kind of friend, always
needing help. He offered to let me move in with him, that was enough. He
insisted and I relented.

With my new Sprint phone, I had terrible service coverage where I lived. I
complained to Sprint and they came back saying that they knew it was bad
and they weren't going to do anything about it. I called their corporate
office about it, and I was given two choices: move or switch
companies. There was no offer to release me from my contract. I lived with
it for months. It would be nearly six months before I figured that I could
switch the phone to roaming, which I was paying for, and have great
reception.

Everyday in October, Chase would call me, singing. I found that incredibly
sweet. Hi- voice was good and I loved that he could share that with me. We
chatted about the plans for the move, and my job search efforts in
Dallas. It was a good month and I felt that the connection that we both
acknowledged we shared was growing. We were getting closer.

In November, the calls started to drop to every other day. He planned on
going to see his boyfriend in St. Louis the week before Thanksgiving. He
seemed happy about that. My job search was going nowhere. Long distance job
hunting is not what I thought it would be. I still insisted that I wouldn't
move until I had a job.

I had told my mother that I was going to leave Florida and go back to
Texas. She didn't seem all that pleased about it. I suspected she thought
that I was going to stay with a 'boyfriend'. My mother and I never
discussed my sexual orientation. I figured she knew, since she and my
brother went through my wallet while I was in the hospital. There was an
HIV test result slip in a side pocket.

I spent Thanksgiving at my parent's house. We watched videos of my brother
and his wife on vacation. My mother had recovered well from her hip
fracture, but I wondered about all the little things going on now.

On Dec. 1st, my mother was taken to the hospital. I went to see her that
night after I got off work. No one had called me. My youngest brother
stopped at the theater to let me know.

When I got there, she was in the Intensive Care Unit with a respirator. She
was also septic. I didn't like the feeling I was getting about her. My
brothers kept telling her she would get over this and move to Orlando,
which had been the plan for six months. She kept shaking her head no.

When we got ready to leave for the night, I stayed back for a few moments,
telling her good night. Outside, I told my brothers she wasn't going to
come out of this. I had a bad feeling about this. My brothers dismissed it,
saying that I may have been through it before with Karen, but this time it
wouldn't be the same.

Early the next morning, my mother's blood pressure dropped, stopping the
flow of blood to her brain. When I arrived at the hospital, she was already
brain dead. She was alive only on life support.

I had brought my son with me. He started crying on my shoulder when he saw
her. He's seen too much death in his life already.

The family went for lunch and I stayed with my mother alone. I began to
talk to her.

"We never had that conversation, did we? But you already knew and didn't
say anything. I wish now we had talked, so that you could have understood
what my life was like, growing up different and then struggling with my
life after Karen died."

I looked down at her, her eyes closed, her face expressionless. I knew she
could hear me. Her soul was still there.

"I really thought we had until the 5th before you would go, but you seem to
have had other plans. Your parents and Karen are waiting for you. I'm sure
Karen will have another dirty joke to tell you when you get there."

I realized at that moment that the three most important women of my life
would soon be together. My heart ached in sadness for them.

"Tell Karen I love her and miss her with all my heart. It's not going to be
the same for me now. You were the pillar of the family; you kept us
together. When you go, so will the essence of family for me."

I stroked her face and rubbed her hand. Death seemed to find a way to reach
me through my loved ones. But when He had a chance for me, He passed by and
someday I want to know why.

I walked outside and called Chase. I needed to hear a friendly voice. He
was encouraging, but distant about it.

When my mother passed, it was only a few minutes after my youngest brother
and I told our father that we should shut off the machine. She had chosen
to go on her own.

I called my boss, and told him that she had died, and he gave me the night
off. He called back and offered me several days, and I thanked him but
passed.

I was the last member of the family she ever saw. I was the last member of
the family who saw her in death.

There would be no funeral; she was later cremated, and plans were made to
bury the ashes back in Ohio, next to her mother.

Chase seemed frustrated with me when I called. I told him I needed someone
to talk to, but he really didn't know what to say.

I went back to work the next day.

Chase seemed depressed since he had decided to break up with his
boyfriend. I listened and offered no advice to ease his lamenting. The rest
of the month he was quiet. I began to wonder about mood swings.

He had told me that he still suffered from manic depression and migraine
headaches.  I believed they were aggravated by his internal struggle
between being gay and being spiritual. I knew he still dreamed of getting
his ministry, someday in the future, when he decided that he would become
celibate.

By New Year's, he seemed to be coming out of it and started calling more
regularly again. I thought I had the old Chase back.

I had decided that the job search wasn't going anywhere, so we agreed that
if I had enough money saved, I could move and look for work there. We
planned for the end of February.

For the past three months, I thought I caught signals from Chase, little
things, that gave me the impression that maybe I might have a chance. Or,
was I seeing things that weren't there like before?  I knew I wouldn't do
anything to make him uncomfortable, but I kept thinking that, if I got
there, I could save him like I wanted to in 1999.

What I didn't know yet, was that at the end of February, I would still be
in Florida, and I had had my last telephone conversation with Chase.


The end of Chapter 5