Date: Fri, 4 Aug 2006 07:31:02 -0700 (PDT) From: Joseph Smith Subject: Love and Death in Venice adult/youth Author's notes: Copyrighted 2006. This isn't a typical gay story on nifty. The story is not about sex. It will discuss depression issues and other health matters. Love and Death in Venice Chapter 6 Since finding Chase I realized how many things had changed for me. I lost my mother; found incredible satisfaction in writing my Nifty story, and then felt like I was losing control all over again. My birthday on the 5th just seemed to drive home the message that I wasn't getting any younger; that the end was closer than the beginning. And, even though I had survived an illness that medical experts had said I wouldn't, I wondered each day why I had survived. I thought that my life's business included Chase. That was why I was able to find him, to get another chance with him as a friend, if not as a lover. Why had Chase affected me the way he did? I wondered about the parallel of my life and the Visconti movie; the man's attraction to the young man and the young man's playful responses. Chase had shown me he could care as a friend; that he trusted me as a friend; that he loved me as a friend. I knew there was a bond between us, some sort of connection that tugged at each of us. The feelings we had for each other were genuine. Here he was back in my life again. I won't deny that I was attracted to him. I was. But I knew that he didn't want that kind of relationship; he had been clear. Over those four months, I found four awesome guys in Dallas to chat with on the Internet. One was turning forty and going through a life crisis because of it. One was twenty-two and came and went. One, who was the same age as Chase, said all the right things but failed to live up to them. To this day I'm not sure if the fourth one was for real or not. One thing I have discovered in the last eight years is that most gay men seldom tell the truth. When you find one who does, he's not single. One thing that seems hard to do is to discern the difference between a 'false signal' and a 'sincere signal'. The ones that just kill me are the ones you meet for the first time and they don't 'feel' anything. Like some magical 'feeling' can define the future. Chase's signals were all over the place. Every time, it seemed I was reading them wrong. I approached each day with Chase with caution, never certain that anything would be absolute or defined. I met Brady on line in January. He seemed like a nice guy, and he worked in a video store in Georgia. I think we hit it off because we had a lot in common, movies being foremost. We told each other of our hopes and plans for the future. I was going to move back to Texas and start over again; he was going to relocate to Canada for a guy he met on line. Inevitably our conversations ended with my lamenting about Chase. In the back of my mind, it began to nag at me that I was losing Chase all over again. Chase wasn't answering my calls anymore. They always went to voicemail. His calls to me stopped after the one in mid January, when he claimed I told him to "shut up" when he was singing to me. I blamed it on the Sprint connection and eventually the call was lost, since most of my calls from that room were lost. I complained to him about how impersonal chatting with him on Yahoo was. He said he was content with it. I informed him that I had given notice on my room and that I was about to give notice at work. He seemed happy about this and I felt encouraged. Then I got an email from Chase. It said that he had too much on his plate at the moment, with the landscaping business and the new computer business he had started and the night classes he was taking. He asked me to hold off moving until summer; that the idea of my moving in was stressing him some. But he did say that, if the steps for moving were already in motion and irreversible, he would deal with it. I knew Chase was a master manipulator, so I debated what to do. I could let the move continue and get myself over there as quickly as possible. Or, being the nice guy that he knew I was, I could relent and give it another couple of months. I wrote him back telling him that I would do anything for him, and I would back off until summer. Brady said I was nuts to do that. I felt that I needed to trust Chase and knew he needed the space. I started to see a guy named Dave. He was everything I needed at the time. He allowed me to be affectionate in our lovemaking. He was not looking for a long-term relationship, so it was more of a need for sex. Brady and I talked about Chase all the time. I told him our history, leaving out the real personal stuff. When I told him about the 'sexual tension' episode he told me that's when I fell in love with Chase. I denied it over and over again. I knew what falling in love was. I had been there once. This wasn't the same. I think I was trying to convince myself, as well as Brady. "Dan," he said, "for five years you have thought of no one else." "That's not true, Brady," I said. "I almost fell for a guy in Sacramento." "And you didn't let it get anywhere, did you?" "No," I said. "I was a dummy; I should've given the guy a chance. He was perfect. I just wasn't comfortable with a long distance relationship." "Yeah, you were a dummy." "Rub it in. I've kicked myself over and over again about that one. And what about you?" I said. "You're going to Canada for a relationship with a guy you haven't even met yet." "So?" "Are you nuts?" "No. I love the guy." "Alright," I said, "what do I do about Chase?" "Let him be." "What do you mean? You don't think it's going to happen, do you?" "I didn't say that." "But you implied it." "He's not your typical gay guy in some ways although, in some others, he is." "That makes a lot of sense." "Do you think you two got closer when you found him?" "Yeah, I think we did. For the whole month of October it felt like we were rediscovering each other. I felt like he wanted this as much as I did." "He may have then, but it sounds like it's changing." "I'm losing him, Brady," I said. "I can feel it." "Be patient, Dan. Be patient with him." "I'm trying. It isn't easy." "You're so in love with him you just can't see it, can you?" "I'm not in love with him. I've met a couple of guys I'm interested in there in Texas. I have every intention of meeting them." "Yeah, right. And the first chance you get to kiss Chase, you'll take it." "No, there won't be a chance." "Liar." Ignoring his remark I said, "I have accepted the fact that nothing will happen." "But you want it to happen." "If I thought that, then my whole reason for moving in with him would be wrong." "You want him, and want him badly," he said, mocking me. "Why does everyone, including Chase, think I'm in love with him?" "Because you are." "No." "Yes." "I don't believe it." "You're just in denial." "I love the guy as a friend, nothing more." "Denial." "Brady, you're so aggravating." Laughing, he said, "I know." "You're not going to convince me that I'm going to fall in love with him." "Don't have to. You already are." Brady could be infuriating; I liked the guy a lot. Because he was in his thirties, I trusted him about his knowledge of gay men. He had had a few relationships, lost his first to death. He did seem to know the traits of the ones with the 'bad signals'. I just don't think he could read Chase and his signals. February ended and the on-line conversations with Chase became less and less frequent. In March, he told me he was reevaluating his friends and was disconnecting from those he found 'needy'. I immediately asked him if I was on the list. He told me 'no'. I kept my resumes active on Monster, Yahoo and CareerBuilders. I did get a few call backs, but when they found out I was in Florida, they backed off. I was willing to take anything for a job, just to be able to move. I knew if I found something, the conversation would go my way with Chase, or so I thought. My Nifty story continued. A few months previously, I had told Chase I didn't know how to end it. He gave me a suggestion, which I quickly dismissed. But since then, I found myself coming up with scenarios to follow that suggestion. I fought with myself and resisted any plot lines in that direction. The distance between Chase and me was growing; he was definitely pulling away from me. I tried telling myself that this was just his depression; that he would bounce back like he had before. In writing my story, I found myself creating dialogue as if I was talking directly to Chase. Telling him that he could be spiritual and still be gay. That being gay wasn't anything that God didn't already know. If you believe the writings of the scriptures, God knew you were gay before you did. And so my Nifty story continued to over twenty chapters. My anxiety over Chase grew over several months. My frustration over finding a job in Texas grew impossible. Over these months, Brady and I grew in our friendship. Dave and I continued to see each other for sex, both of us knowing we were leaving town soon. Chase loved the movie "Napoleon Dynamite". I didn't have a one-sheet poster for it at my theatre, so I ordered one off a website for his birthday. I hoped it would get there before then. I needed to understand what was going on. I did some research on the Internet about manic depression. The National Institute of Mental Health website describes it completely: "Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But there is good news: bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives. More than 2 million American adults, or about 1 percent of the population age 18 and older in any given year, have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder typically develops in late adolescence or early adulthood. However, some people have their first symptoms during childhood, and some develop them late in life. It is often not recognized as an illness, and people may suffer for years before it is properly diagnosed and treated. Like diabetes or heart disease, bipolar disorder is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life. "Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide." Kay Redfield Jamison, Ph.D., An Unquiet Mind, 1995, p. 6. (Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.) When I read the excerpt I was stunned. I hadn't considered the true effects of the illness. I saw the similarities, but hadn't realized the deep, dreadful dilemma that encompasses it. I continued to read more from the website. What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder? Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings-from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression. Signs and symptoms of mania (or a manic episode) include: * Increased energy, activity, and restlessness * Excessively "high," overly good, euphoric mood * Extreme irritability * Racing thoughts and talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another * Distractibility, can't concentrate well * Little sleep needed * Unrealistic beliefs in one's abilities and powers * Poor judgment * Spending sprees * A lasting period of behavior that is different from usual * Increased sexual drive * Abuse of drugs, particularly cocaine, alcohol, and sleeping medications * Provocative, intrusive, or aggressive behavior * Denial that anything is wrong A manic episode is diagnosed if elevated mood occurs with three or more of the other symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for 1 week or longer. If the mood is irritable, four additional symptoms must be present. Signs and symptoms of depression (or a depressive episode) include: * Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood * Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism * Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness * Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed, including sex * Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down" * Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions * Restlessness or irritability * Sleeping too much, or can't sleep * Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain * Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury * Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts A depressive episode is diagnosed if five or more of these symptoms last most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of 2 weeks or longer. I read and reread those statements and finally realized with much trepidation that Chase was far worse than I had originally thought. I believed Chase wasn't into drugs as far as I knew, but I felt that Chase was going through an episode that was lasting longer than two weeks. It was lasting months. I sadly began accept the reality of his true situation and mine. I couldn't help but think he was protecting me from him and, if he were, why he wouldn't talk to me about it. I had dealt with the physical illness of a loved one and all of the mental aguish and stress that went with it; I could deal with him and his illness. That's what you do when you love someone. The end of Chapter Six