Date: Sun, 6 Aug 2006 07:11:16 -0700 (PDT) From: Joseph Smith Subject: Love and Death in Venice 7 (Author's notes: Copyrighted 2006. This is not a typical Nifty story, though one could debate what a 'typical Nifty story' was. This story does not contain a lot of sex, just drama and sadness.) Love and Death in Venice Chapter 7 As I watched the movie, I observed that the lead character had his demons. The death of his child seemed to have haunted him. Though on holiday in Venice, obsessing over a young teenage boy, he remained alone. Loneliness had been an abyss that had engulfed me through out my life, an ever-present shadow that followed, unwanted. During those married years with Karen, the loneliness retired, dwelling in the background, ready to spring upon me at its first opportunity. Within hours of her death, that loneliness returned; though I was surrounded in a house full of people, it shattered the secure wall around me. That night, alone in our bedroom, I never felt more alone in my life. On my knees, silently grieving, resisting the reality of her death, I succumbed to the bitter abyss; the hollowing emptiness filled me. It returned with a bitter vengeance and has remained a struggle in my life to this day. For the past few months, the loneliness took a sabbatical of sorts as Chase and I became closer as friends. Resisting with as much effort as I could muster, I knew in my heart that the sabbatical was going to end. In our conversations on Yahoo messenger, he continued to grow distant. Many times my offline messages went without a response. But it was the last conversation that tore me up the most. Chase: Just got home, checking messages, thought I would say 'hi'. I have a test tonight, so I am going to study for it. Dan: Wow, I'm glad to hear from you. Chase: How have you been? Dan: Doing all right. Being patient...and you? Chase: Busy...can't seem to stop. As we speak I want to take a nap. Dan: Are you overdoing it? Chase: Yeah. Dan: And when will you slow down? Chase: I don't know... Dan: Have you reached a point where we can set a date yet? Chase: To be honest... I haven't even thought about it... Dan: I understand Chase: Maybe let's look at July? I should be slowed down by then I hope...well at least a little. Are you working? I didn't understand why he asked that. Dan: I am still working at the theatre. He knew that. What was he thinking? Chase: Oh, are you? That is good...how is that going? Dan: I am bored, way overqualified. My roommate keeps asking when I am going to leave. Chase: OH. Dan: My replacement is already living here, in the living room, bugging me about when I am leaving. Chase: OH. Dan: I told him probably not until June. Chase: Ok. Dan: I not going to bug you about it, I have just missed chatting with you. Chase: I know. And I am sorry. When I get home, I am happy to be there and I just try to get as much done as possible. Dan: So many times I have picked the phone and... I couldn't finish the sentence. I couldn't tell him that I hurt too much to call, that I was afraid of losing control of my emotions for him if I heard his voice again. Chase: I never thought I would love living alone...well you can call. I answer calls when I have my phone on me. Dan: Are you sure you still want me to come? Chase: To be 100% honest? I don't mind helping... Dan: But? Chase: And giving you a place for a couple of weeks till you get back on your feet. I just love living alone. I like my alone time...and I have to weed friends out. I have too many needy friends and so, I am whittling the list down. A few weeks? I could feel the panic build up from my stomach. Dan: Am I on that list? I hoped my sense of dread didn't come through the Internet. Chase: No. But I am finding that I seem to love to take on others' problems as a way to validate myself. In the summer, I am hoping to have some money to get back into therapy. I have to get some things worked out. Dan: I may need more than a few weeks to get going. Chase: Well I understand that. I am not going to just push you out. Dan: I know you wouldn't. Chase: I don't want or expect you to move out the week you get a job. I just feel like I am taken advantage of when I don't specify boundaries. People see me, and just run me over at times, and so I am going to stop that by being upfront. He had told me about some people who had, not many, but especially his older brother. Dan: I hope you don't see me doing that to you. Chase: Well, I never know anymore...I have had friends who said they wouldn't, and said I would never do that...but then they go and do it...because I wasn't upfront about what I was willing to do, etc... So I am just trying to be honest here. Dan: I know that we have never been in a situation like that, and I can say that I am not looking to put you out or impose or take advantage...I know it's been six years, but I don't think we have changed that much, Chase. Chase: I know... I am just doing this for my protection. But listen, I need to study for my test. Dan: Just so you know, when I am there, I won't be inappropriate, I respect you and I will respect your space. Chase: I know you won't. Otherwise, I would have never invited you. Dan: I am not going to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable with me. Chase: I know...I need to get. I will be late if I don't hurry. Dan: I know, you're going. Glad you chatted with me. Have a good one, Chase. Thanks for the chat. Chase: You have a good day. Bye. Dan: Be good, bye. And he signed off. As I reread the entire chat, I started seeing things between the lines, or so I thought. He's changed. Even to me he's changed. I read it again, tying to make sense of the conversation. I tried so hard not to let my feelings get the best of me. I felt it all slipping away and I felt crushed. That night I talked to Brady. "Give him time," he said. "That's all I've done." "You can't change him." "I'm not trying to change him. I want to help him." "You don't think he suspects that?" "I don't know," I said, feeling defeated. "Dan, don't do anything. Let it go, ride it out and you'll be there in June." "I won't be a roommate, just a house guest. That's not what he promised me." "There's nothing you can do." "Yes, there is." "What?" "I can write him, tell him how I feel about all of this." "Don't. Promise me you won't." I closed my eyes and felt the pain. "It just hurts." "I know it does. You've waited all this time. Be patient." I didn't make that promise. It ate at me for the next two days. I cried over Chase. It was tearing me up and I couldn't deal with the silence any longer, so I sat down at my computer and starting typing. Chase, A long time ago you told me that you were 'always right' about things. I have discovered that you knew me pretty good. I found in you a generous and giving and loving person who, with a heart of gold, would do anything for anyone without thinking about himself. Unselfish. Caring. You came into my life and I know now you were supposed to be in my life. Six months ago we reconnected and it was like there was no time lost. I found that your heart was still very much open to me. We shared things that we rarely shared with others. You helped me realize a lot of things to inspire me to take care of myself. I feel better physically now than I have in a long time. I did this for myself. With drinking water (lots of water) and walking nearly daily about 5 miles, I have lost about 70 lbs. You offered to help me get started in Texas again. I thought that was awesome of you. But for the last two months, because of your busy schedule, I have felt that you have changed towards me. I don't know whether there is something you have been going through, and if it is just a cumulative thing that I am caught up into, but I feel I am walking 'on egg shells' with you and I am not even living there yet. I miss the Chase I found in October. I don't know why you feel that friends have abused their relationship with you, it isn't you...it's them. I have only wanted one thing from you...your friendship. My friendship for you comes with no strings or conditions or boundaries. I feel you that you are not being honest with me when you tell me it's all right to come to your home. You keep telling me that you want your privacy. You like being alone. No one deserves to be lonely, especially not you. I mentioned earlier that you were always right about me. Well, after months of considering my feelings, the brick wall hit me...I am in love with you and I can't do anything about it. I know in my heart, and it scares me to realize, that in the last two months, I have had this dread that I am losing you again...and it's breaking my heart. I have worried about you these two months; you seem to have closed yourself to me and though I have lived each day for the last six years, looking for that time when I would see you again and put my arms around, I fear now, that it may never happen. I have opened the door several times to let you 'off the hook' with your invitation for me to live there. I am going to let you off the hook and not move there. My heart wants so badly to see you and hug you and do what a friend does...to give to you...yeah, to you...something I sense no one has done for you in awhile. I will always love you and you will always have a place in my heart, a place you have had since Cinema 6. This hurts so much... I read and reread my words. I poured out my heart to him, something I have never done with a friend before and I hoped that he would listen and understand, so I sent it. Brady was none to happy with me. "I knew you would do it," he said, that next night on the phone. "You know me that well?" "Yeah. You're an open book. You give away too much too quickly and too easily." "Yeah, you think so?" "I do. And you just proved it." "It's not the same with Chase." "Yes, it is." "How do you figure?" "He's a twenty-five year old, good looking twink and he thinks like one. He seems to enjoy the power he has over older guys." "Besides that." Brady was quiet for a few seconds. The next words hit me hard. "He doesn't really know what he wants. He may never know. And you can't have him." "Who said I wanted him like that?" "You did. When you told him you were in love with him." "I was desperate," I said, not willing to give in. "Still in denial?" he said with a snicker. "I care about him so much." "I know. But you are in love with him." "Stop saying that. I feel for him more then I ever felt for anyone else, a guy that is." "Face it, Dan. You're in love and your heart's breaking, isn't it." "So." "Why are you fighting it?" "I don't want to get hurt." "Too late." Damn. The end of Chapter 7 (Author's notes: Copyrighted 2006. This is not a typical Nifty story, though one could debate what a 'typical Nifty story' was. This story does not contain a lot of sex, just drama and sadness.) Love and Death in Venice Chapter 7 As I watched the movie, I observed that the lead character had his demons. The death of his child seemed to have haunted him. Though on holiday in Venice, obsessing over a young teenage boy, he remained alone. Loneliness had been an abyss that had engulfed me through out my life, an ever-present shadow that followed, unwanted. During those married years with Karen, the loneliness retired, dwelling in the background, ready to spring upon me at its first opportunity. Within hours of her death, that loneliness returned; though I was surrounded in a house full of people, it shattered the secure wall around me. That night, alone in our bedroom, I never felt more alone in my life. On my knees, silently grieving, resisting the reality of her death, I succumbed to the bitter abyss; the hollowing emptiness filled me. It returned with a bitter vengeance and has remained a struggle in my life to this day. For the past few months, the loneliness took a sabbatical of sorts as Chase and I became closer as friends. Resisting with as much effort as I could muster, I knew in my heart that the sabbatical was going to end. In our conversations on Yahoo messenger, he continued to grow distant. Many times my offline messages went without a response. But it was the last conversation that tore me up the most. Chase: Just got home, checking messages, thought I would say 'hi'. I have a test tonight, so I am going to study for it. Dan: Wow, I'm glad to hear from you. Chase: How have you been? Dan: Doing all right. Being patient...and you? Chase: Busy...can't seem to stop. As we speak I want to take a nap. Dan: Are you overdoing it? Chase: Yeah. Dan: And when will you slow down? Chase: I don't know... Dan: Have you reached a point where we can set a date yet? Chase: To be honest... I haven't even thought about it... Dan: I understand Chase: Maybe let's look at July? I should be slowed down by then I hope...well at least a little. Are you working? I didn't understand why he asked that. Dan: I am still working at the theatre. He knew that. What was he thinking? Chase: Oh, are you? That is good...how is that going? Dan: I am bored, way overqualified. My roommate keeps asking when I am going to leave. Chase: OH. Dan: My replacement is already living here, in the living room, bugging me about when I am leaving. Chase: OH. Dan: I told him probably not until June. Chase: Ok. Dan: I not going to bug you about it, I have just missed chatting with you. Chase: I know. And I am sorry. When I get home, I am happy to be there and I just try to get as much done as possible. Dan: So many times I have picked the phone and... I couldn't finish the sentence. I couldn't tell him that I hurt too much to call, that I was afraid of losing control of my emotions for him if I heard his voice again. Chase: I never thought I would love living alone...well you can call. I answer calls when I have my phone on me. Dan: Are you sure you still want me to come? Chase: To be 100% honest? I don't mind helping... Dan: But? Chase: And giving you a place for a couple of weeks till you get back on your feet. I just love living alone. I like my alone time...and I have to weed friends out. I have too many needy friends and so, I am whittling the list down. A few weeks? I could feel the panic build up from my stomach. Dan: Am I on that list? I hoped my sense of dread didn't come through the Internet. Chase: No. But I am finding that I seem to love to take on others' problems as a way to validate myself. In the summer, I am hoping to have some money to get back into therapy. I have to get some things worked out. Dan: I may need more than a few weeks to get going. Chase: Well I understand that. I am not going to just push you out. Dan: I know you wouldn't. Chase: I don't want or expect you to move out the week you get a job. I just feel like I am taken advantage of when I don't specify boundaries. People see me, and just run me over at times, and so I am going to stop that by being upfront. He had told me about some people who had, not many, but especially his older brother. Dan: I hope you don't see me doing that to you. Chase: Well, I never know anymore...I have had friends who said they wouldn't, and said I would never do that...but then they go and do it...because I wasn't upfront about what I was willing to do, etc... So I am just trying to be honest here. Dan: I know that we have never been in a situation like that, and I can say that I am not looking to put you out or impose or take advantage...I know it's been six years, but I don't think we have changed that much, Chase. Chase: I know... I am just doing this for my protection. But listen, I need to study for my test. Dan: Just so you know, when I am there, I won't be inappropriate, I respect you and I will respect your space. Chase: I know you won't. Otherwise, I would have never invited you. Dan: I am not going to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable with me. Chase: I know...I need to get. I will be late if I don't hurry. Dan: I know, you're going. Glad you chatted with me. Have a good one, Chase. Thanks for the chat. Chase: You have a good day. Bye. Dan: Be good, bye. And he signed off. As I reread the entire chat, I started seeing things between the lines, or so I thought. He's changed. Even to me he's changed. I read it again, tying to make sense of the conversation. I tried so hard not to let my feelings get the best of me. I felt it all slipping away and I felt crushed. That night I talked to Brady. "Give him time," he said. "That's all I've done." "You can't change him." "I'm not trying to change him. I want to help him." "You don't think he suspects that?" "I don't know," I said, feeling defeated. "Dan, don't do anything. Let it go, ride it out and you'll be there in June." "I won't be a roommate, just a house guest. That's not what he promised me." "There's nothing you can do." "Yes, there is." "What?" "I can write him, tell him how I feel about all of this." "Don't. Promise me you won't." I closed my eyes and felt the pain. "It just hurts." "I know it does. You've waited all this time. Be patient." I didn't make that promise. It ate at me for the next two days. I cried over Chase. It was tearing me up and I couldn't deal with the silence any longer, so I sat down at my computer and starting typing. Chase, A long time ago you told me that you were 'always right' about things. I have discovered that you knew me pretty good. I found in you a generous and giving and loving person who, with a heart of gold, would do anything for anyone without thinking about himself. Unselfish. Caring. You came into my life and I know now you were supposed to be in my life. Six months ago we reconnected and it was like there was no time lost. I found that your heart was still very much open to me. We shared things that we rarely shared with others. You helped me realize a lot of things to inspire me to take care of myself. I feel better physically now than I have in a long time. I did this for myself. With drinking water (lots of water) and walking nearly daily about 5 miles, I have lost about 70 lbs. You offered to help me get started in Texas again. I thought that was awesome of you. But for the last two months, because of your busy schedule, I have felt that you have changed towards me. I don't know whether there is something you have been going through, and if it is just a cumulative thing that I am caught up into, but I feel I am walking 'on egg shells' with you and I am not even living there yet. I miss the Chase I found in October. I don't know why you feel that friends have abused their relationship with you, it isn't you...it's them. I have only wanted one thing from you...your friendship. My friendship for you comes with no strings or conditions or boundaries. I feel you that you are not being honest with me when you tell me it's all right to come to your home. You keep telling me that you want your privacy. You like being alone. No one deserves to be lonely, especially not you. I mentioned earlier that you were always right about me. Well, after months of considering my feelings, the brick wall hit me...I am in love with you and I can't do anything about it. I know in my heart, and it scares me to realize, that in the last two months, I have had this dread that I am losing you again...and it's breaking my heart. I have worried about you these two months; you seem to have closed yourself to me and though I have lived each day for the last six years, looking for that time when I would see you again and put my arms around, I fear now, that it may never happen. I have opened the door several times to let you 'off the hook' with your invitation for me to live there. I am going to let you off the hook and not move there. My heart wants so badly to see you and hug you and do what a friend does...to give to you...yeah, to you...something I sense no one has done for you in awhile. I will always love you and you will always have a place in my heart, a place you have had since Cinema 6. This hurts so much... I read and reread my words. I poured out my heart to him, something I have never done with a friend before and I hoped that he would listen and understand, so I sent it. Brady was none to happy with me. "I knew you would do it," he said, that next night on the phone. "You know me that well?" "Yeah. You're an open book. You give away too much too quickly and too easily." "Yeah, you think so?" "I do. And you just proved it." "It's not the same with Chase." "Yes, it is." "How do you figure?" "He's a twenty-five year old, good looking twink and he thinks like one. He seems to enjoy the power he has over older guys." "Besides that." Brady was quiet for a few seconds. The next words hit me hard. "He doesn't really know what he wants. He may never know. And you can't have him." "Who said I wanted him like that?" "You did. When you told him you were in love with him." "I was desperate," I said, not willing to give in. "Still in denial?" he said with a snicker. "I care about him so much." "I know. But you are in love with him." "Stop saying that. I feel for him more then I ever felt for anyone else, a guy that is." "Face it, Dan. You're in love and your heart's breaking, isn't it." "So." "Why are you fighting it?" "I don't want to get hurt." "Too late." Damn. The end of Chapter 7