Date: Thu, 14 Oct 2004 18:48:17 -0700 (PDT)
From: Thomas-Alexander Kind <thomasalexander_kind@yahoo.com>
Subject: Mihai-10

'The truth is out there.!'
And now here as well, as this is true and not all that
long ago...or maybe too long ago.!
No disclaimer, as the ones that hold the power do what
they want anyhow. Everybody else does not need one.
Storycode:M/b

Mihai-10

The dirty streets, the grimy blocks and the piles of
garbage, take on a reality, which make me almost
shiver, as I walk back to my apartment.

Mihai is out for the day, riding with the other boys
from the block to some far-away park.
I had filled his pack with tasty provisions and
drinks, happy to see him smile and wave as they pass
the window.
This at least would give me time to think.
To sort out what was to be done.
There were some funds still available overseas.
There was money in the lock-box in the apartment.
But there was also bills, employees, contractors to
pay, and then... Mihai.!

There is definitely not enough, to be sure, that all
will work.
The business... an Internet-cafe/game place, has taken
a long time and many bribes to get this far... but is
still a month away from opening.
I am worried about the revenue from the place anyhow,
as there are new places opening all over town... and
now my business plan has just crashed on the timeline.

But I want to be here.
Don't want to leave,... how can I leave.?
How can I leave Mihai.?!
Dump him back into the street.
Hightail it out of here to a perceived safer ground.?
And leave him to die from Aurolac and the whole shit.!
I rage.
I howl.
I swear and curse the situation.

I make it to an uneasy peace within myself, telling me
that I have not too many places left to run to anyhow,
so I might as well... to borrow from Bruce C.:
Kick at the darkness, until it bleeds daylight.

Was it not true, that I had come to this place to give
in to the pain and make my way across the river into
the next world.
Had found that there were wonders to behold, and that
my addiction to life is not so easily purged.
Had found a boy that had healing hands.
Had regained mine.

So, lets kick it until I have no more to give.!
	*
By the time Mihai is back, with stories full of joy, I
am in full recovery mode.
He is not sure about me, a more fierce determination
than he usually sees from me.
Thinks maybe he has done something... is quiet and
careful.
Hides on the couch with his Gameboy.
I finally am done raging in messages to people near
and far... have sorted the steps to be done... and
find myself looking at my 'mouse' who has fallen
asleep on the couch.
He is curled up in his corner,... face relaxed, hair
tousled.
Oh, Mihai... I do not know how long I can hold on,...
but I will hold you until the end.
So I sneak close to him,... next to him,... he wakes
and I have a lap full of sleepy head. Yawning and
stretching.
Slipping his arms around my neck.
No words,... but his lips on mine.!
Thank you, gods, for this boy, this moment, this
chance to love completely.

We will celebrate tonight, Mihai and myself... so off
to McDonald's for a feast for him.!
With Strawberry milkshake.!

The days and weeks that follow are busy and full of
stress, problems don't solve themselves very
satisfactory, but I am determined to have this for as
long as I can.
So when the day is over and I have gone to bed...
leaving Mihai in front of the TV,... sleep comes easy.
And goes away easy, when the small cold body slides
across me, around me.
When his eyes sparkle at me and I can feel the hard
point of his excitement after the first kiss.
When he sits naked on my back and massages the
tenseness from my muscles.
His hands making mystical signs and patterns on my
back.
Ending with softly stroking my sides as he is laying
stretched out on my back, his head on my neck.
Skin to skin... complete.!
So I give him the torture he deserves, until he
withers under me and dies 'the-little-death' of
supreme pleasure.
We are a world away from all around and even the
unending wars of the dogs outside are a murmuring far
removed.
I am in him and around him, folding him into myself
completely, as he sighs in contentment after the rush
of lust.
For these hours, we are all we can be... and nothing
less.
Until the morning comes with more light than we can
avoid.
	*
Fall has come to chase the heat from the city.
The business is open... but of course not making the
money it needs, to grow.
Not enough investment money left.
But it brings routines.
I am out more,... and I am beginning to think about
school for Mihai.
He is indignant, rejects this stupid notion with his
left hand.
Well, it is too late for this year, but next.!
I know he has had only a few years of school, but know
of a program for 'street-kids'.
Whenever I want to discuss this, he has a lot of other
things to do, or stops talking all together.

Well I have to solve a few problems first anyhow.
I had to cut down on the support that I can give to
Mihai's family.
Can not fund any further projects for the flat they
live in.
Am giving food-stuff.

More importantly, I will have to leave for a few
weeks.
Oh how I hate this,... leaving him.
It rips pieces out of my heart.
But I can not take him with me, although we joke about
him fitting into my suitcase... he demonstrates it to
my amazement.
He knows some boys that have been 'rented' out to be
taken to Germany, yes, in a suitcase... to steal for
the men that took them there.
Well, I am going further than that and as much as I
want him with me... he smiles at me and tells me he
will be alright.
Will be waiting for me.

We pack the car together.
We pack his bag together.

We have no words that mean 'good - bye'... so we stare
into each others eyes until I push him out the door
and he wheels his bike down the corridor... around the
corner... he knows I will be by the window... and so
he waves, but does not smile as he dashes off.

There is a hole in my heart that will not be filled
until I am back.
So I get into the car and drive the endless road
again.
Just drive.
West.
	*

It seemed to take so long this time.
Too long.
The road stretching out ahead of me, towards the east.
I am trying to convince myself that I am driving into
the sunrise,... but it is raining in the central part
of Europe.
Wet tarmac, grey sky and miles to go before,... well
before what.?
Still foolish enough to think I would find him waiting
for me.?
Oh, we had arranged something, but of course it was
already days past the date, I still had 1200 miles
ahead of me and anyhow...I had left him again.
How many times would he be coming back to me.!
Loneliness had been my constant companion again. A
place left empty in my heart and beside me at night.
Despite my anxiety I was rushing forward, was driving
long hours with the windshield wipers slapping in
front of me.
Munich,Vienna, Budapest... the end of the highway and
the nondescript hotel by the roadside just before
entering the edge of Europe. Potholes, lorries and the
twisting roads through the old mountains. Ever the
same, ever challenging. Finally, nearing exhaustion,
the last stretch of highway that would throw me into
the turmoil of the large city I had chosen to be my
home for a while.
This devastated landscape of broken houses and dreams
that broke apart, in the years after the revolution.
The hard battleground of life.
Where misery abounds and gentleness costs money and
emotions in an ever-repeating cycle.
Alas, the weather had turned and the sun was making me
sweat inside my little car, filled with all the
goodies I felt were needed to make it through another
winter here.
 	*
Back to the block,... back at my apartment,... back
home.?
Mostly ignored by the people living there, who envied
me my ability to leave, to get away from here to
someplace they could only dream about.
To some place they saw through the distorting eye of
the TV-screen.
Paradise no less, wonderful and holding all the dreams
they ever had.
So why did I come back.?
I had no way to explain that this place held my dream,
had shades of paradise and had given me the chance to
contemplate wonder.

Unpacking and storing away the many little things,
boxes and suitcases with the help of the policeman's
sons Bobby and Vany, small boys who had been
infrequent visitors to my flat when Mihai had been
here.
They had convinced their mother to let them have an
hour of 'play-station' time at my place in exchange,
and so were soon engrossed in fearsome fights with
each other... on the TV-screen.
I am shuffling around putting things in the cupboards
and closets.
My apartment door open, on purpose, they are called
away too soon for them,... Bobby asking when Mihai
would be back....smiling.
Vany, the quiet one, patting my arm in a shy, knowing
way.
When would he be back... would he be back.!?

Standing alone in my kitchen, suddenly it was quiet,
despite dogs barking outside. Kids yelling, playing
harder, knowing they would be called into the house
soon, as it was getting dark now.
Alone,... nervous,... excited.!
In my mind I am waiting for Mihai's knock on the
kitchen window.
But I knew he would not,... maybe he had been here
yesterday, or the day before.?
My mouth is getting dry again, I want to run to the
car and drive into the centre of town and find him,
ferry him to our place and clasp him into my arms and
hold him until the hurting in our hearts stop.!
If I can find him.
If he is around,... if he wants to.!?

Why am I questioning everything again.?
I know he would be here if he knew I was back.
It is me that is unpredictable.!
Is it all my need.?
Or my guilt.?

I find unimportant things to do, as I am afraid.
Afraid of the need to have him close... and the fear
of not finding him. Or worse, finding out he is hurt
or.!
Now I can not keep myself calm any longer.
Grab my keys and out the door, lock up and into my
car,... driving into the center, to the square, the
places I know, that street-boys go.
I run the track I know well,... many nights of
walking, listening, observing... getting a feel for
the landscape of the little night-people.
Getting to know a few faces,... handing out small
change, watching a game in the corner of an old
shopping arcade by the light of ornate old iron
lamps... a group of 10-12 year old boys. Throwing
dice... throwing money.
I have seen it played a half-dozen ways around the
world.
A lot of money changes hands very fast... and the
smallest one walks up boldly, asking for change... in
English, and tells me for the equivilent of only 2
dollars he will go home with me and I can do
'everything'.!
The terrible thing is, I know it is the truth.

Tonight is no different, I recognize some boys ... but
I do not ask them where Mihai is, as he has forbidden
me to do that.
As they beg some change off me, we walk a short
distance... one follows around a corner into the
darkness of a side street and smiles up expectantly.
The traces of Aurolac around his lips, dilated pupils
and a scrawny hand tugging at my arm.
I shake my head... he smiles again...'Mitze'.?
I nod,... this is Mihai's 'street'name.
He shakes his head,... he has not seen him for days.
I hand him some more change, and walk back to my car.
Back at my place I barely manage to get out of my
clothes before I fall asleep on the bed.

It is late into the morning... a bad night.
Too tired, to restless, too many dogs barking... why
did I come back at all.?
Am I not cheating Mihai and myself in the process.
And still, I had dreamt of him again.
Being close. Wrapped around me. I can smell him,...
struggle to reality... and find myself alone.
I stumble around the place. Making coffee, making
calls, making arrangements. All I want, is to have him
here.
There are short moments of anger, when I yell at him
for not being where he had always been before.
Thankfully the shower drowns out my shouts.
He makes me desperate and reduces me to tears.
That is wrong,... isn't it.!? I should have learned,
should be composed, should not let myself go like
this,... should not... love anyone this much.!
Especially a boy.
Especially a street-boy.
Especially a street-boy, who is nowhere to be found.

I find myself driving past the places I know he could
be, to and from lunch with friends.
Past the places, to and from shopping... a big detour.

Past the places, just because I needed to go to the
bank... which is in another part of town.
Past,... past,... I don't want it to be the past...
come home Mihai.!
Come to me... find me, Mihai.!
I am here... don't you know ... I am here.!
I am looking for you, Mihai.
Where are you, boy-that-I-love.!
Find me,... please.!

The days pass, I have nowhere left to go anymore.
Have been all the places I know.
Have even asked again.
Have walked over the same ground again and again.
Have driven around the fountains so many times, the
beggar boys are in a right state.. yelling to each
other as I make another pass.

Have walked into the prison cell of my own desperation
again.

At night the dogs were having more wars... it is
surprisingly warm,.. and I am praying to my gods, that
he is all right.
Just let him be all right.
Even if I never see him again.!
Let him be safe.

It took 2 more days for him to find me.
All answers are easy when it is over.... but.!
It took 2 more days for him to find me.
And I,... was still looking.!
That is what is important.
I had been to the well of loneliness and hate, had my
fill of desperation and tears.
But had kept on looking. With clouded eyes and heavy
heart,... but still.
Another time around the fountains. Another time around
where the boys climb into the canals at night. Another
time where they hide in the bushes, sniffing poison.
Another time to all the places that are part of our
landscape.
It took 2 more days for him to find me... my car
idling at the traffic-light in the big square.
The stereo turned up loud... he was a blur in my
peripheral vision.
Was a vision.!
Was wearing clothes I had never seen on him.
Was small and thin.
Was dirty and out of breath.
Was smiling at me, sliding into the car, quietly
looking at me from eyes with dark circles under them.
Was holding my hand to his heart as I reached over to
him.
Was here.
Nothing else mattered.
Into the house, ...... into my arms.
He is back.!
We are home again.


More in Mihai-11