Date: Sat, 16 Oct 2004 03:53:31 -0700 (PDT) From: Thomas-Alexander Kind Subject: Mihai-12 'The truth is out there.!' And now here as well, as this is true and not all that long ago...or maybe too long ago.! No disclaimer, as the ones that hold the power do what they want anyhow. Everybody else does not need one. Storycode:M/b Mihai-12 The weeks of summer are long. Languid and full of dreamy hours on the patio. It is as if I am paralyzed by fear of it all ending for Mihai and myself. And therefore it is. Like a slowly winding road to somewhere new. As if we had made a secret pact of not letting on that we both know this is not going to last forever. I have begged from everyone I can. Mihai is silently aware, but says nothing. Just sometimes I find him standing behind me, after another blind lead for work evaporates... pretending to have come back from the bathroom, looking at me. Leaning into me and slipping his arm around my neck. Tells me funny stories, that I only understand some of, at night in my arms. Tells me that he can remember living in a house when he was small. But that father had gambled all away drinking with the local gypsies. I know that I am too serious and sad. I am back to the moody self that arrived here some years ago. Mihai is back to the boy that slides into my bed at night, making me feel like all the world is soft and gentle and the stars are smiling on us. With the light of the city illuminating our naked bodies, we are finding solace in our embraces. I need him more, and he stays near... what does he need.? I try to buy him things that he will be able to take home... but he wants nothing. I try to find a way to have him live with someone else, friends... he is not even interested one bit to discuss it. He is not talking about... when ever. Is getting up every morning, says 'Thank You' after every meal, like he has done without fail all this time. Rides his bike a bit, but only if I push him. Watches TV and plays Grand-Theft Auto on his Playstation. Sits beside me, playing solitaire on the computer, while I am on the phone. Is his quiet, warm and smiley self. I know that sometimes I am a prick about some things that really do not matter. Too demanding of him. I know that deep inside of myself I want him to be angry, to rage and curse me. To be so pissed of with me, that he will just leave... just slam the door and be gone. I know that it is all because I do not know how to say 'good-bye' to him.! I don't want to say good-bye. Want to have him with me, be with him, here beside me, me beside him.! I do not know how to make it go away, this feeling of sinking into sand, slowly. Of not finding any solid ground beneath my feet. No matter where I look, I see things ending again. I end as I begin. Loathing myself for surviving. Wanting someone to hurt me, because I do not know how to make the pain go away in any other way. And then he stands in the doorway, balanced on one leg, shorts and an open shirt,... leaning against the doorframe for a moment, holding his glass of milk... Watching me. Until I notice him. And in my eyes he is a vision of beauty and poise. But more than that, a real boy, that will be placing his healing hands on me tonight and make me forget the world. I wish I would have sleepless nights again, but I am peaceful with him curled against me now. I guess this is my graduation, my little teacher. But I have not learned enough. Have not done my studies once again. I need more instruction, my little teacher. I need more help. He smiles at me and lights a cigarette in his mouth for me. * The real world demands answers. The real world demands actions. Needs decisions and arrangements. Andy has come back from the west after the summer, by car. He is going to stay for... well lets see what gives. He is looking for an apartment to live in. But no, there will not be a place for Mihai on a permanent basis. Vasile will be there, permanently. Mihai is not interested anyhow. Andy promises to have him over on weekends... what else can I ask for in the end.?! Mihai will not agree to anything. But we are having another couple of good weeks, with Andy staying nearby in a rented flat with Vasile. Going out to parks with the boys, eating at McDonalds with them... the only place Mihai will go with us to eat other than Pizza Hut. Both around the corner from our flat. Just like the bus-station. And I will leave at the end of the week. There is a job in Germany that I can have, if I can get there soon. And I know I must go. I have no more money. We are even using Mihai's 'work' money, which he has kept with him... and I am deeply ashamed. But that does not change anything either. Mihai knows that I have to go... and he is perhaps a little closer... but maybe it is me crowding near him.?! I am sorting and packing. Mihai is smoking on the couch. I make arrangements for Andy to take-over all the furniture and such. I can only take two suitcases on the bus.! Gods I have done this how many times in my life... too many. And no it never gets any easier. Certainly not this one. I want to leave everything here... as if I am trying to find reasons to come back. Well, even if I come back,... it will be , for a week,... or maybe two. Every weekend.? I have debts up to my neck. And where will he stay in the meantime.? Mihai is leaving today. He is going to ride away on that crumby black bike I bought him, that is so dear to him... and not come back. He is packing his bag. A small bag, Andy had delivered a box of toy and goodies to mother some days before, as Mihai said he did not want them any longer. He has given Vasile his Playstation and the disks. Well, where he is going there will be no electricity.! There will be nothing really that will be his. Yes, some clothes, but I don' t see that last... his CD-player. He will have to sell that. His watch... well he will get up somewhere when it is light and go to sleep somewhere when it is dark. I regret not having given in to the tattoo he had asked for a year ago. At least that would be something he would not loose to someone else. But it is too late for all of that now. He has certainly tattooed himself onto my heart. I can not watch him pack without crying... and in the end we are sitting on the floor clutching at each other and feeling desperate. Crying and not wanting to let go. It is so quiet around us... and each is speaking words that the other can not understand... or maybe we can.! So in the end we are joined in silence. As all those times before. Arms around each other, his face on my neck, his leg between mine. Clothes rumpled, on the bed... asleep. Cried out. Over... And... Out...the door he goes with his pack on his back, bicycle at hand. I am on the patio watching him, get on the bike, ride slowly to the corner, stop...turn, and smile up to where he knew I would be, waving wildly and ...gone.! * Silence in my head, emptiness in my heart, as I stand with my luggage in the little dirty street with many others, waiting to get on some bus going far away. It is 4 am and cold and I worry about where he is. But I have no more tears in me. Soon there is nothing other than the noise of the tires of the bus rolling for 26 hours away from ... my love, my life. The last chapter: I am working in Germany. Send money to Andy for Mihai. Speak to him on the phone sometimes... but words are not our language. So it only marks the distance between us and after a few minutes he gets off the line. I know how he feels. But the boys are going to school. I am paying for Mihai's tuition. Then Andy and Vasile are no longer together. Not sure what has happened.? Vasile has left for... well home, but then it turns out that both he and Mihai are now in a Children's home, run by an Evangelical Group from the US. Vasile stays but Mihai , who of course can not stand the 'group' shit, takes off. He contacts Andy, works out a deal so that he can still go to school but stay at home. Manages to stay out of the more horrible alternative: state home. Mother is active in this transaction... and presents the bill in form of a request for me to buy the flat they are living in.! I arrange for 6 month rent. I am a mess inside of myself. But this is so necessary to make money for all the debt... and to send some of it to Mihai, via Andy. I sometimes get a picture. That makes the pain worse. Than it is summer again. I do not hear anything about Mihai any longer. Andy tells me he has not seen him. That Mihai has not been around to see him. I know in my heart what is happening. Andy finds unlikely companionship in rough trade from the train station. I do not blame him,... but am scared for him. He is too detached from the block... and they do not like gypsy street-boys. August... and I get notified through official channels that Andy has been arrested.! Is charged with attempted murder of a boy.! It becomes clear in the next 24 hours, that it is a trumped up charge. Having spoken to Andy 3 days prior and sending him money to fly back, as I had a very bad feeling from the things he was talking about.... Now it is too late. They get not only Andy, but also all his computer stuff and also ... Vasile and Mihai... amongst some other boys. Vasile and Mihai are being mentioned in the papers... I never was able to speak with them. I suddenly have hunters sniffing on my tail.! I have lost every chance now, to ever do anything again. There is only survival left. And that is always on the bad side of good. * * * Epilogue Mihai A small brown frame containing a picture of Mihai as he is sleeping under a colourfull duvet. His dark hair framing his face. Relaxed. Summer-tan brown skin. His left arm and leg curled towards the middle of the bed, as he is laying on his right side. It travels with me in the bag I sling over my shoulder when I am leaving one place for another. * Mihai, I miss your smile. Miss your laughter. Miss your soft skin and your voice. Your smell and the feel of your hair in my fingers. I miss your angry words and your tears. Miss the weakness, the fluttering of my heart, seeing you. Mihai I miss you.! * It does not change a thing, to miss you. I am here and you are... I do not know where. I can not go where you are, and you can not come to me. I used to think that I did it all wrong. That is not so. I did one thing right and that was: LOVING YOU.! Everything else, yes,... maybe. * In that old city, Bucharest, Capital of Broken Dreams, I found the dream that I had been dreaming for many years, become reality. You found me and I was there to be found. I wanted to say that you taught me to live for the moment. But that is not true. We live for our dreams. We live for the hope they give us. What you taught me, Mihai, is much more than that. You taught me that it is possible to love and be loved, even in this dangerous time. That it is indeed love that makes it possible to live another day. And another. And another. Thank you for my life, Mihai. I am sure you would grab my head and tell me in Romanian, which I do not understand, officially, that I talk too much. Put your lips to mine and shut me up. Thank you for my life, Mihai. Because I am still alive... and kicking.! TAK * * * It is time to tell you all, that I owe this opportunity to the insistent mails of someone that found parts of this on a website, that Andy had made for me, that last year. Thank you, Wolfe, you are special. Stay that way, please take good care of yourself and maybe we can howl together, some time. * Thank you also for the letters and the words traded with the people that decided to write to me. Thank you all, and I hope you will be safe and well. Thank you also to NIFTY for letting me put my words about Mihai and our love here for the world to see. Please support the archive. Thomas-Alexander Kind