Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 20:42:08 -0700 (PDT) From: Thomas-Alexander Kind Subject: Mihai-08 'The truth is out there.!' And now here as well, as this is true and not all that long ago...or maybe too long ago.! No disclaimer, as the ones that hold the power do what they want anyhow. Everybody else does not need one. Storycode:M/b Mihai-08 So the hours become days...the days drift into weeks. We have established our own pattern of life together. Routines and changes to fit together, to know each others shadow... smell and smiles. We are learning to speak to each other, without someone to translate. But there are few words between us. Mihai speaks his language all day and I mine. And at night,... well it is the language of smiles and hands and eyes, that seems to be most important. Sighs, laughter and sometimes moans. I am spending more time at home than I should, but I want to be there, when he arrives around 9:00 pm until I have to drag him out of bed and gently push him out the door the next morning. There are no complications from the people in the block. I hardly see anybody anyhow. I am convincing myself that maybe they know, but are too wrapped up in their own affairs to worry about this little boy coming into my place every night... please.! Am being friendly and trade a few greetings in the hall. Am being domestic like never before. I guess I never had this reason.! Cooking, washing clothes, shopping and the like. My few friends here can't hide the smile on their faces, when I tell them that it has to be meeting for lunch, as I have errands to run at the market, before the stove calls. Against his will, Mihai is drinking whole glasses of milk. Has gotten to like the taste of the Vitamin-Drink I force on him at breakfast. Is less enthused about my threats of dentist and such. * Winter is melting into spring. There are little green leaves appearing on the branches of the trees outside of my window, next to the garbage heaps. The packs of vagabond dogs are having great wars all night in the alleys around the blocks. Mihai has put on two pounds.!! He has grown one inch.!! He is a happy boy. He has pleaded his way to staying indoors some days, by promising to be as quiet as a mouse and stay in the bedroom if needed. Spends the day on the couch in front of the TV, clutching the remote control. And as much as I try to resist... when he stands beside me for a minute, watching me type or on the phone,... he smells of the new apple shampoo and I am being led by my nose to the couch. To sit beside him and watch some drivel on the tube... until he has me curled around him... me holding him close to me. He leans into me, almost purring from the soft stroking of his neck, which my fingers do all by themselves... it has become an automatic response.! These are his best days, and he lets me know with the kisses that come suddenly, like a snow-flurry in May, pushing me onto my back, his arms circling my neck and squeezing tight. Laying on top of me, his mouth seeks mine and we trade panting breaths. Unable to stop.! Mihai's happiness is infectious. Except,... he is still sniffing Aurolac during the day..! I have seen him, sitting under the shelter for the streetcar, near the big square, his hands pulled into his coat and almost hiding the bag with the silver poison under his chin. But even as I drive by, not knowing he would be there, I can see him putting the plastic bag to his mouth and nose. That evening we are walking the same old path again. I ask him,... I plead with him,... finally I let myself go and threaten him with expulsion from our home if he does not stop. At first he smiles,...than he pleads,... than he is silent. And that hurts the most. Looking at me, he is standing just inside of the door. Ready to take off his coat, drop all his clothes right there, do his little naked victory dance of having survived another day and rush off to the hot bath, singing.! I give in again and again,... but I am so worried about him. His breath comes in raspy, gasping draws, sometimes, at night when he is curled up around me. I am frightened some nights that he will not get enough air at all,... will just gasp and not make it.! I finally face the fact that I have to be hard, have to go against my heart and make a stand... for him.! So the next evening when he leans into me coming in from the street,... I tell him it can not go on like this. He tilts his head questioningly. That he can not stay,... can not come in,... that he must go away.! Because he has broken his promise again... smells of Aurolac again.! He is silent. Steps apart. Buttons his coat. Turns to leave. I can sense that he is steeling himself.... but than turns again... and there are tears rolling from his eyes.! Shuffles his feet,... looks at me through his tears and... says nothing. Just looks at me,... oh, I can not do this,... but I have to... don't want to. I am howling inside, from the pain. Want to gather him up in my arms and hold him close to me... Aurolac and all... but that is not good. I know we are balancing on knifes edge,... he may leave,... walk away tonight and never come back. I don't want that.! I tell him to please stop,... please stop.! But he is silent... turns and walks out.! I stare at the door. Closed. Shut. End. Alone. * The deafening silence has come and is filling the apartment. The terrible emptiness makes a home in the place that was ours. My bed is too big without him. The table too empty. The bathroom too cold. No Mihai the next evening. I wander through the night again. All the familiar places,... no Mihai. No Mihai the following evening. The days are long and in the evening I find myself sitting on the couch staring at the TV with watering eyes. This was our safe harbour. What did I do,... why did I kick him out.! Even though I know he hates it, I ask on the street. The 'friends' have not seen him... maybe he has gone to the coast.?! Maybe the police has caught him. Maybe he is being beaten by them in some hole of a prison. Maybe,... he... is ... dead.! I can not get used to the silence again,... so I play the music too loud, nobody cares. I can not get used to the emptiness again,... I fall asleep in front of the TV in the early hours of the morning. The large black bird of sadness has come back and sits on my chest, pecking at my heart. I am ready to admit to myself how important he is to me. I love you Mihai.! Where are you, so I can tell you this.? Where are you Mihai.? * Days and nights have passed. Pain and loneliness, my old companions are close to me again. I had tricked myself into telling them farewell too soon, I guess. I welcome them into my soul. Sitting at the table eating,... something, anything. Not so important. Feeding the CD-player songs of disillusionment. Singing along. Not hearing the knock on the kitchen window. Not seeing the small figure under the street light outside. It is late, almost midnight. A loud knock on the door. I open,... and the neighbour boy/young man is smilingly pushing Mihai through the door, tells me something I do not understand and waves goodbye. I hold onto the door... Mihai steps in... gingerly, one foot in front of the other. Small steps, small boy... my boy.! My love.! The door snaps shut,... reflex lock.! I turn slowly, and Mihai is still standing there in his coat. He must have been waiting outside for hours. Curiously, he is not as dirty. He steps up to me. I am on my knees in front of him now, bringing my eyes almost level with his. He is silent,... looks down into my eyes... and ... breathes on me.! Waits,... breathes on me again. Waits. Oh, I get it, now.! He is ... clean.! No Aurolac smell. No vapour that hurts, but in the end takes the cold and pain away, killing you slowly. He is clean.! I draw him to me... he is resisting a little. Slip his coat off him... his eyes are still on me, just a little too big, a little too moist. Like mine, as I pull him into me. He drops into my arms and onto my lap sitting on me, around me... into me. Is sobbing into my shirt. As my tears are wetting his hair. Words bubbling out of him now... but all too fast and I do not understand anything. I lift his head, tell him to shut up... he touches my face, my tears... and I kiss him. "I love you Mihai.!" He sniffels. Kisses back. Is crunching me with all the strength his thin arms can muster in a close hug, does not let go when I stand up slowly and carry him into the bedroom where we fall on the bed together and spend the next hour holding onto each other... chaste in our embrace. Close in our hearts. Together. Bring on summer than, my gods.! More in Mihai-09