Date: Wed, 27 Dec 2006 04:47:59 -0800 (PST) From: Nate Phate Subject: Mr. Kraver pt. 2 The author retains all rights to this story. Please do not publish anything without authorization. This is a true story that contains zero sex, between a teenager and an adult. Nothing happened. You'll find out why in the story. Part one of this story is titled: "Mr. Kraver", dated June 14, 2006. Thank you to all for your comments on the first part of this story. I never intended for there to be a continuation of my experience, but thankfully, I was wrong. To remind you all, this is indeed a true experience. I'm still Nathan and I'm still 18. I wrote the first part of my experience during the summer of this year (2006) because I couldn't handle keeping my feelings built up inside of me anymore and I felt it would be good for me to pour it all out in writing. Once again I feel I cannot keep my feelings locked up inside, so I'll give it another shot... After a full year had passed since my sophomore year, I had hopes that my desires for Mr. Kraver would subside and I could get a grip with myself. I'm one to take life seriously when it needs to be taken seriously and I feel so stupid for getting myself caught up in irrelevence--like, oh say, falling in a deep liking with a person I know I can never have. I keep kicking myself for making myself miserable with this desire, and I keep telling myself to move on. But I can't... So, after a full summer of waiting for my senior year (I spent it much more wisely than simply idley waiting), the first day of senior year arrived. I was a nervous wreck. Not because it was the first day; I should have been excited like hell that it was the last year of high school like everyone else was. But to be quite honest I'm dreading that last day of high school, where I'll be forced to leave the one man I'll ever have such a passionate fascination and respect for, probably for the rest of my life. I was nervous because this was the day where I would learn if I would have Mr. Kraver back as a teacher again for math or not. Clearly, I was hoping for the prior. Words can in no way describe my longing to just get to talk to Mr. Kraver. I learned the hard way that I felt sexually attracted to this particular male and I knew I would never get fulfillment of that. Even when clearly our circumstances would not allow such a thing to occur, I myself would never allow that to happen as I respect him and his life and I logically understand what's better. But you know what, emotions are so much stronger than logic, and every now and then I have to allow myself to be selfish and just wish that I can get something--anything--out of Mr. Kraver. So I was hoping that I would, somehow, miraculously end up as his student once more. I've thought about this man every single day since I first became a student of his, and just the thought of actually being in the same presense of him seemed unimaginable. I knew it would be too good to be true to be his student once more, but, God, please just let this happen once more; maybe it would help heal this internal longing for some kind of fulfillment out of him. We would get our schedules in our first period class. I found my first period, seated myself, faked a few laughs with friends as in the back of my mind I just wanted to get that damn schedule and see "Mr. Kraver" written as one of my teachers. Finally, my teacher began handing out our schedules. "YES!" Shouted a classmate, and friend of mine. "I got Mr. Kraver. I'm SO happy." Ughhh, I thought. How I wish that were me. FInally, my name was called, and I rushed up to retrieve my schedule. Teachers, teachers, teachers--forget about seeing if my counselor gave me the right classes, just let me see the damn teachers! My eyes were darting everywhere and finally I found my math class. "Pre-Calculus....Semester 1......Room # B 206.........Teacher: Mrs. Anderson." NO.................no......... .........No......................................................................... My heart and everything else inside of me dropped into the deepest pit of my stomach. No...........this can't be right. I've waited so long, just for another chance. And it wasn't given to me. No.......... "Oh, no," My neighbore started. "I got Mr. Kraver...I heard he was a bad teacher." Well then, God damnit, how is it a person who doesn't want him, gets Mr. Kraver as a teacher, and I of all people don't? Is this supposed to happen? Is this how it's supposed to be? I outwardly kept my cool, but inside I just wanted to melt into a worthless puddle. I wasn't sad; I didn't want to cry. I just felt defeated, and awfully disappointed. I've wanted for so long to be reacquainted with Mr. Kraver and the one and last chance I have, I don't get it, and I'm just drained. He has been the center of my desires when it comes to any form of relationship--and now it's confirmed that it will never, ever be... I was just so disappointed, but I trudged my way through the day. Senior year was going to suck. Damn...how can I go through a full year knowing I'll never get the chance to see Mr. Kraver again, while my friends are in and out of his class every day. Damnit, Nathan. Get over yourself. Stop being such a whiny bastard, toughen up, accept life for what it is, and move on. But I couldn't. I just couldn't....how the hell could I sanely get through this year? That night I tossed the idea around to talk to my counselor, and give some sort of reasonable excuse to her that would possibly switch my teachers and put me into Mr. Kraver's class. He happened to be teaching the same period of math that I had, so it couldn't be too hard. All I would have to do is switch teachers; the rest of my schedule would remain in tact. I trudged through the second day with the idea still in my head to talk to my counselor. It was my last period, Government, and we had to go to the library for some form of research. We go there, the library is empty but my class, and I'm just hating this year so far. I can't make myself enjoy my day despite how hard I try. Then I hear that voice. Instinctively I turn around and I see from afar--MR. KRAVER!!! And he's walking in my direction. Our eyes meet for a split .03 seconds as I turn my head and I remember exactly how this felt just 2 years ago. I look at him, he so happens to be looking at me, we both look away quickly as we've caught each other. There he was, handomley well-dressed in a dark green shirt and tie with his brown dress pants, his beautiful short, blonde hair combed to the side; and his attractive, friendly, vivacious personality. I see him strike up a few conversations with a few of my classmates and I feel my cheeks turn hot and I know I'm turning read. My heart is beating so rapidly and I find I have no idea how to act, how to stand, how to sit, how to talk to people. I'm clueless and I'm scared. MR. KRAVER IS RIGHT THERE....(and he saw me...) Damnit, Nathan, I'm so stupid. Only around Mr. Kraver do I act like the biggest dumbass there is, not knowing how to handle myself. I probably look like an idiot. I immediately stop talking to people--stop being normal. I probably look like the biggest and most awkward idiot in this room. Way to handle myself in front of Mr. Kraver, Nathan.... As time passed, I would manage a few, forced conversations with people so as to not look like the idiot that I am. But, damnit, Mr. Kraver is RIGHT THERE. My eyes can't help but dart to him every 3 seconds. And, once again. I see his eyes dart back to me every so often. Oh, God....what the hell do I do. I just want to get out of here. I want to leave. I want to run so far away and never see Mr. Kraver ever again; I'm so scared and so damn stupid. But Mr. Kraver...what a wonderful presence to have in the room... Our teacher tells us it's time to leave and I'm probably the first one out of there. DAMNIT, Nathan. Way to blow your chances. Well, wait a minute...I never had a chance, what the hell am I worrying about. I go home that day and think about what a wonderful day it has been to have seen Mr. Kraver, and once again I over analyze his stares. I convince myrself they meant nothing but my emotions were still elated at that idea that--maybe they did mean something. Was this a sign, me HAPPENING to end up in the same room as Mr. Kraver, that I was meant to do something about my math class, and take a little action myself, and switch into Mr. Kraver's class? I didn't care to think up an answer. I immediately went to my counselor the next morning and pleaded my heart out, trying every excuse in the book to get her to switch me. Finally, my counselor reluctantly agreed, and said to go to Mr. Kraver's class right that minute. Oh, God...no. I'm not ready. Fuck. I tell myself I'll just wait this day out and start fresh in his class tomorrow. I should have been excited, thrilled that I was FINALLY in Mr. Kraver's class again. But I felt as if I'd made a huge mistake. What the hell was I thinking, making a big scene with the counselor so I could switch out of a perfectly good teacher's class for Mr. Kraver. I'm so stupid. I need to get over this man and get a life; find something worthwhile to focus on. But damnit, Mr. Kraver...you made me do it. He confirmed my decision to switch lasses when I saw him in the library. The next day arrived and I was incredibly nervous, eager, anxious, to go to math. What would Mr. Kraver think of me? How would he react? I hope to God he doesn't think you have a little crush on him, Nathan. Damnit, he probably will. I am such an idiot for switching classes. 3rd period arrived. Math. Should I go? Of course I should go, geesus. If I don't go then I don't have a math class to go to, and that's 2 days in a row of skipping math. My grades are at risk now because of my damn emotions. I find the math building and make my way to Mr. Kraver's class. Be cool, Nathan. Be cool, just walk in there, say your schedule got changed (a lot of kids' schedules got changed in the first few days of school because of mistakes made by counselors and whatnot), and play it off like it wasn't any of your doing and relax. I turn the corner and next thing I know I'm in his classroom. Again. I look for Mr. Kraver. There is a window by his desk and the sun was shining right through that window. And look who's standing in that ray of sunshine, Mr. Kraver. All lit up and beautiful...taking roll or doing whatever he was doing, standing there like the handsome man he is. I walk up over to him. "Hey...my schedule was changed and now I'm in your class." "Well, okay, Nathan," He said in such a friendly tone. WOW, he remembered my name, too. How did he remember my name? "Well, you're in luck! There's enough room for you in here!" He said as he wrote down my first and last name on his role sheet. He remembered my name...How did he remember my name? I didn't think I made much of an impression on him the first time I had him. Then he asked me, "Why did you switch classes?" Holy cow..this is the most he's ever said to me in my whole life. And stupid me has to always give him a stupid answer that would cut off any form of communication all year like I did 2 years ago. "I dunno," I managed to spit out and quickly took a seat. WAY TO GO, NATHAN. Way to say something stupid. But he knew...he knew I switched classes. Damnit, now he really thinks I have a crush on him. Now I'm really embarassed. How do I act? How do I make myself comfortable in here? Crap, why am I such an idiot? Throughout the rest of the semester, once again, our relationship consisted of little to no words. I excelled in his class, though. I promised myself, if I'm not going to do well with him I might as well make the best out of this experience and in the very least pass the class. I realize I just want to talk to him. It doesn't have to be about me or my feelings. I just want him to acknowledge me. And, my God. What a great man he is..full of humor, intellect, realism. He reminds me so much of what I wish I had in my life. Just a good man with life's experience. And unlike last time, I didn't hold in my smiles at his humor. And sometimes he would make eye contact with me again, in the midst of me smiling, and I just hope I can let him know that I respect him in the utmost way. He managed to try talking to me a couple of times, and I was surprised he even tried. I thought he would be scared away of me over-exurting myself and putting myself in his classroom. Hopefully, he took it as a form of flattery. And hopefully, he takes my smiles, and my hard work as a form of flattery, too, as a way for me to show my appreciation for him, because despite how gorgeous he is inside and out each and every day I see him, I just want him to know how thankful I am of his influence in my life. Yes, I wish I can just make love to him on the spot, but that's unrealistic and totally uncalled for. Yes, I hope there is something behind those stares, and I hope the only reason he avoids me and only me in class is because he has an appreciation for me, too, and not a dislike. One day, in class, a student asked Mr. Kraver in a joking manner if he could be his friend. Mr. Kraver seirously answered that he is too young to be his friend; he can't be friends with people our age due to the lack of life's experience and whatnot. Though I expected such an answer, I was heartbroken. Because that included any form of relationship with me. But I knew that was the fact of things, and I knew he was right. But damnit, if I can't get anything else out of him, I just want his acknowledgement. And I always try and find excuses that--maybe he does like me. Maybe there is something behind those stares. For example, our class was discussing why people do illegal activities, and Mr. Kraver said, "Hey, old men like to proposition 16 year old teen boys for sex, and it's illegal. But they do it anyway." Now...clearly, this was just a bad example, but I felt like that comment may have been geared right towards me as a message: Either, grow up and accept the fact that nothing can happen between us, or, Hey, I know this kind of stuff exists, and anything is possible. I want to believe the latter, but I don't, no matter how hard I wish. Overall, logically, I know I'm being naive when it comes to Mr. Kraver. I know the reality of things, but I just wish that reality doesn't always have to be so merciless. I appreciate and respect Mr. Kraver in every way, shape, and form. And there's only 1 more semester left before I graduate, and I'll never see Mr. Kraver again. But my feelings for him are just as strong, strong as they'll ever be... Questions, comments, concerns, please write me at: natejob18@yahoo.com