Date: Sun, 20 May 2007 19:26:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: Nate Phate <natejob18@yahoo.com>
Subject: Mr. Kraver pt. 3

The author retains all rights to this story. Please do not publish anything
without authorization.  This is a true story that contains zero sex,
between a teenager and an adult.  Nothing happened.  You'll find out why in
the story.

Part one of this story is titled: "Mr. Kraver", dated June 14, 2006.  Part
two is titled, creatively, "Mr. Kraver pt. 2", dated December 27th, 2006.


Thank you to all for your comments on the first and second part of this
story.  I never intended for there to be a continuation of my experience,
but thankfully, I was wrong.

To remind you all, this is indeed a true experience.  I'm still Nathan and
I'm still 18.  I wrote the first part of my experience during the summer of
this year (2006) because I couldn't handle keeping my feelings built up
inside of me anymore and I felt it would be good for me to pour it all out
in writing.  Times have changed since then, and my feelings have shifted,
but they still remain strong and sincere.  Now with the year coming to a
close, I feel this will be the last installment of a never-intended-to-be
continuing story.

In pt. 2 of this story I mentioned how regretful I was for ever switching
classes to Mr. Kraver's class.  I felt embarassed and totally naive, which
can serve as a detriment to who I am as a person and my personal success in
the world.  College applications have been sent, I have been accepted to
many, and I have chosen one to go to.  While I'm excited for this new
journey, I'm still awfully sad that I will have to be leaving Mr. Kraver
and my memories back here, and I know while I'm off at college, there will
be sad nights for me when I think back at how much I miss Mr. Kraver.  But
switching into his class I wanted to accomplish one thing, and it was NOT
to do anything sexual with Mr. Kraver.  It was to try and heal my sadness
associated with my strong desire for him.  While that's still in the
process, I feel like this 2nd semester has made some sort of headway in my
path to recovery.

School had resumed and I was back into Mr. Kraver's class.  At this time I
still felt awkward in his class, and therefore I wasn't very talkative.
This is the complete opposite of me, because I indeed consider myself a
very outgoing and sociable person, and it frustrated me that I had to show
Mr. Kraver some awkward being that I am not.  But just being able to admire
someone so beautiful, both inside and out, was enough to satisfy me enough
to know life has many beautiful things to offer.  Whether I'll ever get
ahold of some of that beauty in the world, I'll never know, but I'm
satisfied either way.

Something seemed a little magical during the winter months of the 2nd
semester.  Mr. Kraver looked exceptionally handsome with his beautiful,
blue eyes.  I became more brave about staring at him, because heck, he
probably knows I'm fascinated with him, and deep down, I wanted this to be
some sort of way to grab his attention.  Whether it did or didn't, it never
came to the point where he'd acknowledge me.

At some late mornings when he walked into class, he'd catch me staring at
him, and off a sudden he'd get a burst of energy and act really energetic
and excited.  Whether this was all coincidental or not, one of the
assumptions I made was that, maybe he DOES hold an interest in me, and him
knowing I'm interested in him excites him?  But Nathan, how many times have
I been naive with this whole Mr. Kraver situation?  Too many, so stop over
analysing things you idiot.

He also seemed more daring to get closer to me, and talk with students
surrounding me, and while he'd be talking to them, he'd quickly dart his
eyes into mine to see if I was giving him attention and then quickly dart
his eyes back to the person he was talking to.  While that very well may
mean absolutely nothing (and it probably does), my crazy mind cannot help
but wonder, does he need the satisfaction of knowing if I'm still
interested in him or not?

These types of situations happened day in and day out, and it became to
better my mood also.  I became more proud of who I was in that class and
began feeling less awkward.  I was excelling greatly in his class, and
hopefully I was earning some respect points, and not just some idiot 18 yr
old who wants to love his teacher.  For the first few weeks upon returning
to school, I too, came energetic and happy, just from th emere thought that
maybe he still does hold an interest in me, if he ever did, of course.

But all that ended as I felt like a plane crashed into my heart and totally
obliterated it in front of everyone.  One, February day, Mr. Kraver really
broke my heart and had no problem giving no mercy about it.

One kid brought in a book regarding gay teenagers as a joke to read with
his friends and poke fun at.  Mr. Kraver walked over and said, "Eww, why
are you reading that stuff?  That stuff is gross.  That's like, Brokeback
Mountain gross."  He was right by me as he said that.  Now, it's completely
my fault to have been so hurt by his comments because I'm the one who
became infatuated with such a man, but it really, really hurt to know that
not only were all my questions about our past answered as "non-existent",
but apparently, he looks down (understandably) on and is revulted by
anything related to homosexuality.  I was confused because this
contradicted his comments regarding sexuality 2 years ago, but more than
anything, I was so, so hurt.  But I had to remind myself, I'm the one being
the idiot here, Mr. Kraver has done nothing wrong.  I'm the one who got
into a deep liking with someone for no reason, and someone I knew I could
never have and someone I knew was completely heterosexual.  So, why was I
so upset over this?

I guess it was good for me.  Oftentimes, cold, hard slaps of reality are
good for me, especially in this case.  So I promised myself, no more
laughing at his jokes, no more eye-contact, no more remotely flattering him
with my stares.  Nada.  I'd just go to class, do my work, turn it in, and
act as if he were never there.  I was so hurt, and ashamedly, I was bitter.
Not because I knew now I didn't have a chance, but because I suspected he
knew I held some sort of interest in him and he had to make those revulting
comments right into my face.  And if he did suspect I held some fascination
towards him, then his only purpose for saying those comments would be to
hurt me.  And he did.

The girl responded, "You've actually seen Brokeback Mountain?"  And with
that Mr. Kraver replied with a "Yes."  Now although I was completely hurt
and stunned by his comments, I was curious as to why any completely
straight, anti-gay remarking, ex-military man would ever take the time out
of his day to watch a movie such as Brokeback Mountain.  SHUT UP, Nathan.
Don't think anything about it.

A month passed and I hadn't shown Mr. Kraver any interest, at all.  Zero.
Now, again my imagination has to come and mess things up for me, as I began
to suspect that he was getting kind of desperate for my attention (yeah,
right) and may have felt bad for his comments. So one day, he started
talking about his kids, all grown up now.  And I remember him talking about
his kids' dating lives, and he said it wouldn't matter who they brought
home, he'd be happy for them and support them regardless.  While that's
terrific of him to have such an understanding for his kids, I felt maybe
another purpose for saying those comments were due to his previous comments
degrading homosexuality and hurting me.

But, I was still hurt, and I never forget.  And I realize, it's better for
me to get over him now, as I'll be moving on in a few months anyway to
continue on with life, and I can't have my desire for him hanging over my
head and constantly torturing me like it has been for 2 years.  So I
continued to not give him any attention.  Until one day...

I began working on homework for another class in his class.  Keep in mind,
he talks to every single student personally at some point or another in
class, but has never ever done it to me.  Never.  So I start working on
other homework, and he walks up to my desk and stops.  He picks up the
paper I'm working on and comments on the subject matter, unnecessarily, but
acting as if he were showing interest.

"What's this?  What does this mean?" He asked, sounding genuine.

All I could do was look up at him and shrug my shoulders and force a smile,
and answer his question as shortly as possible.

And that was that.  Why did he decide to give me attention of a sudden?
Did it mean anything???  Is this whole situation about the comments and him
feeling bad about them and him noticing I'm not giving him anymore
attention just all made up in my head?  Or was he genuinely concerned and
thus felt like he had to make an extra effort to get to know me before the
year ended?  Probably the prior.

So, I figured, he'd made the effort, I might as well, too, and start
staring at him again.  And once again the same routine of cat-and-mouse
staring went on, but less noticeably, and less frequent.

He began telling stories of his time chasing women in his past, going to
strip clubs and pulling down the skirts of women, etc.  So he was
definitely straight, as I had already figured.  And this seemed less
disappointing to me, because he's already hurt me with those previous
comments regarding homosexuality, so now I'm not as surprised.  He is
definitely straight.

One girl made a remark about how gross it was for old men to be going to
strip clubs to watch young girls strip.  Mr. Kraver responded with, "It's
not gross.  I may be old but I can still appreciate a young FEMALE body."
Okay, Nathan, there ya go.  He's straight, like I already knew.  Well,
that's that I guess.  End of any further discussion or analysing or hoping
or desiring.  I now have been exposed to concrete evidence: I have zero
chance and have always had zero chance and there never ever was any sort of
remote interest in me.  OK...glad that's settled, Nathan.  Now please move
on.

But damnit, why can't I move on?

When the movie 300 came out regarding the Spartans, I could hear Mr. Kraver
telling a studnet about how in reality all those soldiers were homosexual,
how they had to have sex with each other so as to gain emotional
attatchment to one another and thus look after one another in a time of war
with all they'd got.

Now...first he implies it'd be okay if his kids brought home someone of the
same sex, then he admits he's seen Brokeback Mountain, and now he's talking
about homosexuality among the Spartans.  Add that to some of the previous
comments he's made regarding homosexuality in the past 2 yrs I've had him
and I start thinking again, maybe he does hold a light interest regarding
that matter?

I also remember him saying how a young solider from Iraq regularly sees
him.  Now of course, this could be for a number of reasons.  But because
I'm a completely idiot who's so fascinated by a man who couldn't give 2
shits about me, my mind began thinking again and I began to think, hmmmm,
maybe there is a chance (again)?

But, I was so drained, so tired, of this constant emotional ride of ups and
downs just for this one man.  I was tired of thinking, what if?  What if?
All the signs point to no, but what if?  I mean, get over it, Nathan.  I
admit though, this is a very good learning experience for me on how to
handle my feelings of desire and how not to ever be so naive about things
ever again.  So i just didn't really care anymore.

Therefore, I became more comfortable in his class.  I began talking more, I
began showing my true personality.

To tell the truth, I'm actually a quite popular person (not that any of
that matters); I have a lot of friends and many people find me outgoing.
To Mr. Kraver though, I came off as an introvert, shy, who had very little
friends.  When more and more people came from other classes to ackowledge
me, I think I kind of surprised him, both with the number of friends I have
and the personality that I've been hiding from him for so long.  thus, I
noticed, whenever I started talking, he'd all of a sudden be around me, not
not really paying attention, or at least SHOWING that he wasn't really
paying attention.  He'd just be working with a calculater or "walking on
by", or sitting and staring into space not ever paying attention.  But I
noticed this was very new of him.  Not that it meant anything.

Things like this stayed the same for a while.  Not every day, in fact many
days I was ignored, as usual.  But near the end of this semester, a medical
emergency hospitalized me for 1 week.  When I returned to school, I was
talking to a friend in the hallway and he walked on by and I noticed he
stopped and opened his mouth to try and talk to me, but me being shy acted
like I never saw him and kept my eye contact on the person I was talking
to.  When I finally walked into his class, he asked how I was doing, and
told me not to worry about anything.  I'm not quite sure what he meant by
that, but I'm guessing it meant the work I missed.  One of my friends from
different period told me that Mr. Kraver said I'd be excused from work for
the remainder of the year.  But I know better than to make excuses to get
out of work when I know I'm fully capable of doing it, so I continued on
with my work.

When helping friends with their math homework, and they still didn't
understand it, they'd ask Mr. Kraver, "I don't get how to do this.  Nathan
thinks the answer is this, Nathan thinks the answer is that.  Nathan thinks
this is how to do it", and Mr. Kraver would look uncomfortable that my name
was being brought up and wouldn't make any eye contact with me at all, and
would just say, "No, the answer isn't this" or "yes, the answer is that",
staring at people right next to me, but never to me.  I realize, either
he's completely uncomfortable around me for certain reasons (who knows now
at this point), or he really just doesn't care about me and often overlooks
me.

Again, I got a lot of love and support from friends as I returned to
school, which again, I think shocked him because I'm sure he's always
thought I'm some shy introvert with little friends.  I noticed him staring
at me a lot more.

Not too long ago, one of my friends in the class began asking me all about
my medical emergency, my time in the hospital, etc etc.  I told it all in
grand detail, maybe exaggerating some of my courage, and the whole time, I
saw Mr. Kraver standing to my right, staring right at us 2 (or just me) as
I was talking.  For the first time ever, he'd stopped, crossed his arms,
and stared at me, finally getting to hear what kind of person I am in
conversation.  The conversation left the medical field and went to other
things, and he still just stayed there. He eventually left, but throughout
that period when I'd look up he'd be staring right at me.  He'd stare at me
as he'd walk by, he'd stare at me from his desk, etc etc.  He'd even make
comments about what my friend was saying to me, but he never commented on
what I'd say.  He just stared.  I think that was the most stares I've ever
gotten from him in one period in my whole experience with being his
student.

While I am still very much interested in Mr. Kraver, and so which I'd
gotten to know him, not as a person, not as an object of sexual desire, but
just as a teacher, I'm just exhausted about the whole ordeal.  I know for
sure that I am being naive about any sort of possibility that he's
interested in me.  I just wish I had build a relationship to him regarding
him being my teacher like he's done with everyone else.  I don't know why
he's chosen to never give me attention throughout the 2 yrs I've had him.
Whether it was my fault for being such a turn off to him in the beginning,
or whether he's interested in me and just scared, or whether he really just
doesn't notice me, I have to move on.

But even more recently, as I turned in my homework, Mr. Kraver said,
"Thanks, Nathan" as I turned it in.  Whether this means anything or not
(which it doesn't), I know I can end this year and graduate someone
satisfied that I ended most of the awkwardness between us, and that he's
finally able to see a glimpse of what kind of person I really am. I think
Mr. Kraver is one of the most attractive people I've ever seen, and the
thing that makes it so hard to deal with HIM in particular is my emotional
attatchment to him because I've done so much growing because of him.  It
will hurt so bad at graduation knowing I will never see him again.  I just
hopes he knows that I'm not some awkward kid with a cheap and perverted
crush on an older man, but that I have substancem and the utmost respect
for him.  Thus, I'm now so glad I switched classes at the beginning of this
year.  I am so glad, because I finally feel like I've mended some of the
holes that's hurt my desires so much in the past.  I feel like I've grown
so much from this whole, long, tedious experience.  I will miss him so
much, and wish nothing but the greatest for him and his family.

But now, as much as I hate to do this, as much as I wish he'd just stop me
in class one day and just talk to me really good, I don't have a choice but
to bury my feelings and move on.  I will miss Mr. Kraver, but I will never
forget him.  What a fascinating man.

Questions, comments, concerns, please write me at: natejob18@yahoo.com