From: idreamcanu@aol.com (IDreamCanU)
Subject: MyJeff Part12(Final chapter) No Sex
Date: 22 Nov 1997 03:47:02 GMT

This is the final chapter of my times with my first true friend and
lover. If you have missed any parts they can be found at
http://www.nifty.org.  Parts 1-10 are there now and parts 11 & 12 should be
posted there shortly.

This is a true story of my teen years and the relationship I developed with
a close family friend.  The activity between myself and "Jeff" was
consensual and I was in no way forced into any sexual situation.  Some may
call this abuse, but I call it love.  All I ask of any reader is to finish
the whole story before making any hasty conclusions.

(Special note: Without the help of a very kind and caring friend this story
would never have been posted.  I am deeply grateful for the kindness he has
shown as well as all the love and thought placed into the edits.  You know
who you are and all I can say is thanks for everything.)

MyJeff Part Twelve (final chapter) and Epilogue By IDreamCanU

The weekend was here and I was going to go to Jeff's to help with some yard
work.  Not my idea of fun but gave me a chance to be with him.  My mother
was driving me over and was quiet -- not overly talkative and somewhat
somber.  I was deep in thought so didn't really notice until I was thinking
back on the drive.  Jeff had been acting a little "off" the past few weeks,
not quite himself.

I entered his house without knocking, like I had been doing for some time,
and found him sitting at the kitchen table drinking some juice.

"Morning baby," I piped as I closed the door.

"Hi Mike," he replied.

I gave him a quizzing look and he motioned with his eyes for me to sit
down.

"What's wrong?" I asked sitting next to him.

He kept his eyes down cast for a few seconds then looked up at me.  I could
see his eyes were red and swollen like he had been crying for a while.  The
look of his eyes and his expression upset me and worried me at the same
time.

"Jeff? What's wrong?"

He didn't answer me at first, he just looked away with a tear falling down
his cheek. I got up and moved over to him touching his shoulder and with
that touch he broke down, sobs of pain and anguish coming from deep inside.

The sound of this cry ripped me to shreds and set forth a protective
instinct in me. "God Jeff, what's wrong?" I asked, pulling him to me in a
hug.

He held me as tight as anyone has ever held me and continued to cry.  I
stroked his hair just like he did for me when I told him I was gay.

"What's wrong?  Please tell me," I begged while holding him.

He took a couple deep breaths and wiped away his tears.  Without saying a
word he stood me up and led me to the couch.

A million things were going through my head. Did I do something, was he mad
at me.

"Jeff? What's wrong?  Tell me please!" I pleaded again.

He sat down beside me and we were facing each other.  He was silent and I
got the feeling that if I said anything more whatever was wrong would take
longer to get out.  I just couldn't figure what had upset him so much.

He took a deep breath and let it out, he did this several times.  Trying to
calm himself.

This was distressing me and I didn't know what to do or what was wrong.

"Mike, I need to talk to you, and I need you to understand what I'm
saying."

I didn't know what he was saying but since he was so upset I agreed.
"Sure, just let me know what's wrong."

"I don't know how to start, I don't know--"

I watched in horror as the man I loved broke down and couldn't speak at
all.

I started to get emotionally upset because of his actions, still not
knowing the reason for his distress.

He composed himself and placed a hand on my leg, he was squeezing it very
tight - almost painfully.  "You know that I've been feeling sick lately,
not eating, right?"

"Yes, what's wrong?"

"I've been seeing the doctor for a few weeks, trying to find out what is
wrong."

I nodded, letting him know I was listening.

He stopped and took a deep breath, "they know why I've been feeling so
lousy now."

"Great, now they can fix it and we--" I didn't get to finish, Jeff burst
into tears stopping me short.

He was shaking his head "no" and for a moment unable to speak.  "They can't
fix this - I'm too sick."

What he was saying wasn't sinking in, he couldn't be telling me that he is
that sick.  "What do you mean - what can't they fix?"

Through his tears he told me that two weeks ago he had a biopsy and that he
had a malignant tumor in his stomach and that is was too big to remove.  He
said that the doctors believe that it will continue to spread and take his
life.

This was not happening, he couldn't be playing such a cruel joke on me.
That is what this had to be - a sick joke, he was getting me back for
catching him jerking off.  I was shaking my head "no" and starting to cry
myself.  "This has to be wrong," I told him.  "Please tell me this is a
joke or a mistake."

"Mike, It's true, I have cancer."

I grabbed him and pulled him close, we hugged and cried for almost an
hour. I was shaking with fear and disbelief.  Why was this happening?  What
had we done to deserve this?

We talked for several hours as well as shedding many tears.  My mother knew
that he was dying and they agreed that he would be the one to tell me.  He
told me that with treatment he could live from six months to three years.
The doctors were unsure of an exact time frame.  In the blink of an eye my
life went from semi-normal to messed up beyond belief.

I spent the next few months watching Jeff get sicker and even worse in
pain.  His cancer had spread from the stomach to his intestines and liver.

Going to the hospital the times he was there was very hard.  I would go up
to the second floor ICU and sign in.  If he had family there I couldn't go
in because the visiting was limited to family and two persons at a time for
thirty minutes every hour and a half.

The times I could slip in it hurt to see him so drugged up that he couldn't
speak or even raise his head.  The drugs were needed because he was in such
pain.  He was also wasting away, unable to hold down food.  They were
feeding him with IV's sustaining him.

There were times when the pain was slight and he was at home, we would sit
and talk about life and what the future hold.  These times were becoming
far and few between.

I would go to work, school, and to the hospital or his house - that was my
time. That was what I did, it was tearing me apart that my time was being
cut short. A moment wasted was never returned and couldn't be recaptured.

I headed home from school, it was cloudy and cold - a typical eastern
winter day.  I was feeling down, the weather was nasty and I was worried
about Jeff.  I hurried, not running but walking as fast as I could - I
wanted to drop off my books and head to Jeff's house.  He was out of the
hospital resting and fighting for every minute.  I knew that he did not
have much time and I was aware that he came home to die.  I may only be a
highschool senior but I heard people talking about how much he is suffering
and that it "is only a matter of time."  In my mind I knew there was no
hope for him but my heart would not let me believe that.  I could not and
would not lose my only friend and love.

I walked into the house and stopped short - my mother was at the dining
room table playing solitaire.  She only did that when she was mad at me or
was upset over something.

"Mike, sit down," she said quietly.

"What's wrong?" I asked sitting down.

She got up and knelt down beside me. "Mike, Jeff died this afternoon."

"No!! He was not that bad yesterday - he couldn't have died." I pleaded
through the tears welling up in my eyes.

"He passed away in his sleep this afternoon, I'm so sorry to have to tell
you like this.  He was with his family and loved ones at the end so he was
not alone."

"YES HE WAS!!" I screamed.  "He was alone!! I was not there - I was not
there - I was--" I broke down crying.  How could she say that he was not
alone? I was his lover and could not be there when he needed me the most.
My god, how scared he must have been at the end - and I could not even hold
his hand to help ease whatever he was feeling.

I was aware of my mother hugging me close to her.  I knew in the back of my
mind that she was there but I could not think.  She was rocking me as cried
stroking my hair - doing what she could to calm me down.

"Why didn't you get me from school? Why did you let me come home when I
could have been there with him?" I asked through my sobbing.

"He was with his family, I know he meant a lot to you - but he was with his
family when he died.  They are the ones who had the right to be there with
him."

"I WAS LIKE FAMILY!!!"  I screamed and ran off to my room.  I locked the
door behind me and crawled into bed crying into the pillow.

"Open the door - Mike? Come on Mike talk to me."

"Please let me be - let me be alone for a while.  Please!!"  I begged.

"I'll be in the living room - but you need to come out and talk to me.  I
leave you alone for a while, but not all night." I heard her walk away from
the door leaving me alone.

OH GOD!! What was I going to do?  Jeff was my life - I needed him for
support as much as he needed me at times.  Here I was almost an adult and
crying like a four year old child.  I know I was stupid for falling to
pieces like this but I did not know how to express my emotions.

I laid there on my side hugging my pillow and crying my eyes out.  I was so
mad at my mother for not getting me so I could be with Jeff and - Oh God, I
was even mad at him for leaving me alone.  How could I feel that?  How
could I be mad at the one person who loved me for who I was?  I don't know
how long I laid there but when I came out of my room it was getting dark
and dinner was on the table.

"Are you OK?" Mom asked.

"Yes," I lied.

She placed some food in front of me in hopes of getting me to eat but I
just moved it around with the fork after taking two or three bites.

"Why didn't you get me at school? I should have been there - he was like a
father to me." I asked - the tears starting again.

"From what I was told it happened very fast, they did not expect it this
soon.  I know Jeff meant a great deal to you - he was the father you never
had. I know that you loved him like a father - I'm sorry this happened but
I can't fix it and I can't change what has happened."

I looked at her with blurry eyes and nodded - I could not speak but I
understood what she was saying.  I hurt so bad - hurt over Jeff dying but
hurt more over not being able to tell her that he was my lover.  How could
she understand what he was to me?  I lost a love - not just someone I
loved.

"Hold me."

She grabbed me tight and held me - held me while I cried.  I could hear her
telling me she loved me and that she was sorry.  I just held her tight
trying to forget my emotions and pain.

After a while I settled down, not that I wasn't upset - it was that I was
numb from all the emotion I was feeling.  I sat in the living room looking
out the window at the sky and lights from other houses.  I got up and
walked to bed hoping that sleep would wash away my troubles.

I laid in bed and the quiet was unbearable - I couldn't think about
anything but Jeff and what happened.  It was like a dream, a terrible dream
that I could not wake from.  I dozed off and on - waking with a start
several times, then crying myself back to sleep.

I stayed home from school Friday, there was no way I could function or even
remember what was taught.  My mother took me to the store to get a new suit
coat - to this day I can't buy a suit without thinking about Jeff - both
good and bad memories.

Friday was a lost day, other than buying the suit coat I could not tell you
what I did.  I drifted from moment to moment, sometimes crying but at other
times just looking into space numb and lost.

We went to the funeral home Saturday afternoon for the viewing.  I was
scared to see Jeff like this - I had seen relatives who had died before but
this was different.  My mother guided me into the room and toward the
casket on the back wall.  I was moving in slow motion - step by step
getting closer to Jeff.  I looked at his face for a few minutes, knowing
that this would be one of the last times I would ever look upon it.

He looked so pale and thin - not the person full of life that I'd known and
loved, but he was still my Jeff and I loved him.  I stayed there for a few
minutes and was guided away by my mother.

"He looks so pale," I said quietly through my tears.

"I know, but he was so sick and in pain.  It was his time - I know it is
unfair but we need to take what life gives us."

I hugged her and cried on her shoulders trying to regain my composure.
When I looked up Jeff's father, Ken, was there.  He sat beside me and
placed his hand on my knee, just like Jeff had always done.

"He loved you Mike, he talked about you all the time.  He thought of you as
a son - a son he never had."

"Did he really say that - did he tell you that he thought of me as a son?"

Ken looked me in the face and answered, "Yes, he told me that he loved you
like a son."

That was too much, I lost it again. I sobbed uncontrollably for several
minutes while both Ken and my mother comforted me.

I sat on a chair near the casket while person after person said goodbye to
Jeff. Some would say some words to me but most just passed me by.  At 4pm
we left and headed home to rest.

"Mom, I need to come back at 7 to say goodbye."

She looked at me and said, "I really don't think that is a good idea.  This
is too much for you at this time."

I don't know if it was because of my emotional state or what but for the
first time ever I lost my temper with my mother.

"I am going to the funeral home tonight!!" I said through clenched teeth.
"If you try to stop me you will lose - YOU ARE NOT KEEPING ME AWAY!!!"

She regarded me for a minute and must have realized that this was a no win
situation for her.  "I can't stop you - I know that. I won't stop you, but
I think it is a bad idea."

At 7pm my mother dropped me off at the funeral home, she stayed in the car
and let me go in alone.  I went up to the casket for the second time that
day and stared at the shell that was once so full of life and love.  I
knelt down beside him - I could smell the flowers and in the back of my
head I could hear the activity around the room.

I stayed there for a few minutes looking at his hollow cheeks and closed
eyes, wishing that I could hold him one more time. Wishing that I could
feel his warmth that I felt so many times waking up in his bed.  That was
all gone now, he was gone from my life forever - never to hug me again and
never to say he loved me. I stood up, looked at him one last time, and
placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you, and I'll never stop loving you," I said quietly to him, then
walked outside to my mothers car, blinded by my tears.

There was a private funeral service given at the funeral home on Monday
morning - only his family was invited.  A small service with his mother,
father, and a few other relatives in attendance - I was not invited.

Following the service Jeff was cremated and his parents were given his
ashes.

I sat in my room alone while Jeff's family had the chance to say goodbye
one last time.  I was mad at them for not inviting me - mad that they could
not know the love I had for their son or the real love he had for me.

I went back to school on Wednesday more grown up than I needed to be.  I
had had what my classmates would not have for years.  I had a true love - a
lover as close as any husband or wife could be to each other and as a
highschool senior I was now a "widower".

The Titans won the state finals my senior year, Buddy was the star
wide-receiver and was destined for collage. Christmas and my birthday were
very hard without Jeff around - I guess all the holidays are like that when
you lose a love.

I made it through the year, I was not a straight "A" student but my grades
improved all the while I was with Jeff and I was not going to let them fall
now - that I couldn't do to his memory.

Graduation was tough, my mother was proud of me for making it and I had
many relatives there to share my joy, but I was missing my friend. We had
talked about doing something special for my graduation - a trip for the two
of us to celebrate my entrance into the real world as a "man".  That was
not going to happen now and I knew that.

I guess through all the bad times and sad feelings over my senior year I
couldn't help but to smile when I remembered the good times.  The times of
joy, laughter and the feeling of unconditional love and acceptance I
received from my true love.  That love I will never forget - that love I'll
carry with me for the rest of my life.

END

Epilogue

It's been almost thirteen years since I lost Jeff, many things have changed
but some will always stay the same.  I have had many friends and some
lovers but none have touched me the way I was touched by my Jeff.

I did not go on to college but went to work for a local apartment complex
as a security guard.  After a few years I got a job in public safety with
the local government and am quite happy.  I can truly say that I make a
difference in peoples lives - I have saved young children and the elderly,
I have also lost some but for every one I lose I can remember the ones I
have helped and saved.  I feel fulfilled in my life but at times lost and
empty when I think about Jeff.

I started writing this many months ago working slowly and with many
mistakes.  I had a good friend editing my mess and making my words sing
with emotion, without him this would have been a short story of no great
importance.  As it turned out it was a recounting of my teen years both
good and bad.

I stated at the beginning of each part: "The activity between myself and
`Jeff' was consensual and I was in no way forced into any sexual situation.
Some may call this abuse, but I call it love.  All I ask of any reader is
to finish the whole story before making any hasty conclusions."

Well I have finished and I hope that any reader of the whole story
understands that anything and everything I did with Jeff was out of love -
nothing more, nothing less.  He helped me understand who I was and helped
shape who I became. I am not proud of some of the things I've done in my
life - but everyone can say that to some extent.  I think that with Jeff's
love and understanding I have become a better person and I really believe
that.

I have made many friends because of this story, some lasting and some gone
in the blink of an eye.  I've talked to teens who are having a hard time
being themselves in a world where being gay is a "sin".  I have talked to a
few adults who have had a relationship with an older male when they were
young.  Some I just say "hello" to and some I talk to all the time.  I
never asked for these friends and was in no way looking for them - but I am
grateful for every one.  Thankful for everyone who took the time to say
hello or drop me a note.  I wrote this story for myself - a way to purge
old memories and finally mourn the lose of my first love.  I chose to share
it, to show the world that there is love out there in all shapes and forms.


"Jeff" February 23, 1949 - October 11, 1984.

I will miss you forever ....
-- Mike