Chapter 2 : Confession.
This story is fictional based on fictional chatacters. Any similarity to any person living or dead is coincidence. This story may contain man/teen boy or man/preteen boy or teen/preteen boy sex. It may contain no sex at all. I haven't decided yet.
If this is legal for you to read and is the sort of stuff you enjoy reading then read and enjoy. If this is not legal for you to read and/or is not the sort of stuff that you enjoy then do not read. You have the choice.
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It's Saturday morning. Early. 2am
according to the computer, although I know its clock is wrong. I am
tired and want to sleep, but I can't. And I want to get this down.
I'm still shaking from last night.
If this was a date with the hottest chick on the planet, it could not have been more perfect. And yet, it was not exactly romantic although it had romantic tones. And it left me with a lot to think about. About David. About me. About my life.
Where the hell is all this heading?
To say that I am scared is an
understatement. Wherever I go from now, my life will not be the same.
<>We started out with an early showing of
the latest Star Wars movie. David somehow knew I was a fan, even
though we have never once discussed movies. I know he must have left
work early to make it home in time to shower and change and then to
pick me up in time for the 5pm showing. After the movie finished, we
dinner. Subway. Not exactly a top class restaurant but still nice.
David suggested we take our food elsewhere to eat and talk. I
nervously agreed. >
He took us to 'the spot'. I cannot describe how wonderful it was.
It had been cloudy all day, but the sky was clear by the time we arrived. Although it is damned cold now, and I am sure there will be a frost in the morning, it was still fairly warm as we sat on that special ledge overlooking the moonlit sea and a couple of nearby islands, eating one of my favourite foods. That time alone, as we sat and ate in silence, would be enough to make the whole night worth it. Even if we had argued bitterly, it would have been a great night simply because of that meal at that spot, with that view.
David sat near me as we ate. I felt nervous, or like I was nervous. But there was something else.
I finally realise that I truly love him, and am in love with him. Totally. I have only now admitted it to myself. Before I thought it was just some liking of him a bit more than a friendship, something that at worst would mean I might be bi. But now I know that at the very least I am bi.
But he knows. He knew before I did. If he doubted before, by the time we had finished eating, he knew.
I will apologise to him later today. He was right.
After we finished eating, David reminded me of a promise that he had made to both Bob and myself some time ago, while we were out for a drive after our first ever swim together. A promise that we could always ask him anything we wanted, and he would always give an honest answer.
He went into it a bit more tonight – explaining the difference between honesty and truth (you can be honest while not telling the truth, if you believe that what you are saying is true, and you can be dishonest while telling the truth, if you believe that what you are saying is a lie when it's actually true), and also that while his answers (actually he used the word "responses" for some reason) will always be honest, sometimes he might only tell me that he is not willing or not ready to answer.
He also told me that what was said between us remained between us, that he would never betray my trust in him and hoped I would do the same. I just nodded.
David asked if there was anything I
wanted to ask him. I told him "No".
"Nathan, I have something to say to you, but I am not sure of how you'll react. I don't even know how to explain my meaning to you, and I am scared that my next words could cost me your friendship. I won't ask you to promise that won't happen, but I do ask that you talk this over with me, and that you take some time to think this over first, before you go to any extremes."
I don't know if he saw my nod. Nor do I know if he knew how nervous I was. After a moment he went on. Somehow I had a fair idea of what was coming.
"Nathan, I love you. I have loved you for a long time. And I don't mean just as a friend, even though friendship is a big part of what I feel. But there is much more to it. Again let me stress that you do not have anything to fear from me, that I will not hurt you and will always do what I can for you, if you let me and ask me."
I did not respond to this. I was in a state of shock for a start. Here was I, a 16 yo boy, alone in a secluded area with a man nearly twice my age who had just confessed a deep love for me. I was a little worried about what would come next – would he want sex or something? Was this a line he was feeding me? Was he just horny? Or did he really love me? And how do I really feel about him?
At first I wasn't aware of him talking, I was so deep in thought. Then I felt his hand gently touch my shoulder. That brought me out of my deep-thinking session!
"You ok mate?"
"Yeah, I think so.. Um.."
"You ok with what I just told you? Not upset or anything by it?"
"Nah I'm fine mate. Just taken me a bit by surprise. I never thought you were that type! How long?"
"You mean, how long have I felt this way?"
He sat still for a moment.
"This is probably going to sound a bit nasty but.. Well, for a couple of years. Almost as long as I've known you. But I only really realised it a few weeks ago".
He lowered his head and looked at the ground before speaking again. This time he seemed like he was really far away, and he spoke softly and quietly. I never understood why some people say "softly and quietly" like that until he did it. It seemed as if he was afraid of loosing me alright, and yet resigned to his promises and that, whatever happened, because of what had been said between us he had to go on anyway. There was no turning back for him, he was either cementing our friendship or compounding the damage. Either way, he could not and would not stop.
"You see. For the past 6 months, as I was about to go to sleep, I'd imagine you next to me. Imagine us quietly talking about the days events. Imagine me touching your face, gently stroking your chin or running my fingers over your chest as we talk, you lying on your back and me on my side facing you. Sometimes it turns sexual. Always gentle, loving sex where we take our time. But most of the time we just lie together and talk before drifting off to sleep"
That feeling was rising in me again. Nerves and something else. Powerfull. Overwhelming. Almost too much. I knew something was coming.
"Over the last two years, I have had some strong loves. People who I would give up all else for. But last week I decided to think it through and come to a decision. Nathan, I want a family. I want a wife and kids. But I have thought it out."
He turned, gently touched my chin and then turned my head so we were looking into each other's eyes.
"Nathan. I have never loved as I love you. I never thought that even I could love a guy like this. I will give up every dream I have if we can be together. I am so sorry to lay all this on you, but you have a right to know. And if I do not say this, then how could I ever have a chance with you? Here it is, tonight. Here is everything laid out for you. Here is everything on the line, including the most important thing in my life, our friendship. From here we either grow together, or we fall apart. But it cannot stay the same. I know that now. And I know that tonight, you must hear this whatever the cost to me. I cannot be your friend while pretending that my love for you is something much less than it is. It may cost me all I have, but I have to let you know how I feel".
I barely heard him, yet I knew all he was saying. The first thing that caught me, much more than his words, was the glistening around his eyes. It took me a moment to realise that what I was seeing were tears. He was starting to cry. A man, starting to cry. What was wrong with him? Why so weak?<>
I do not know how or why. I do not know what was done to him or by whom. But I do know that this man has been tortured, and that torture has taken many forms over many years. That he has survived it and still loves is more than I can comprehend at the moment.
But those eyes. Wow. They held so much more than that.
On the next level I saw that this is a man who has lost everything, rebuilt his life, only to loose it all again. And again. He has lost people he dearly loved. He has lost homes. Everything he owned. His whole life has been ripped apart. And while it was through mistakes of his own, it was at the hands of other people, and the harm done to him did not match anything he had done. It was totally unjust..
But I was not through. I could see an incredible amount of gentleness. All the rage and anger and pain of the years of torment could be called on in an instant and directed at someone or something in an act of extreme violence. But behind that was a love of.. A love of everyone, even those who hurt him, that would keep the violence and anger in check. That would see him suffer again rather than let the beast rear it's head. But I could also see that he would stop at nothing to protect those he loved most, and to make sure that anyone who tried to hurt someone he loved would pay the price. Not revenge but justice. At the point I thought that I thought it was like I saw a second person in there as well. Not a split personality or something like that, but like there was someone there, watching over him from inside, helping him to know how and when to act, and how to do it right.
It was then that I saw another layer. This time wisdom. The wisdom that comes with a long life of facing hardship and barely surviving, while helping and saving many others along the way. No matter what I could question, if he could not give me an answer then he would help me find the answer, and he knew how to find it! And yet, this wisdom was only present in certain conditions. One was with someone he loved. The other I do not know, just that it is something that is beyond me for now. What I could tell is that it involves people who hate him.
Finally, I could see just how deep his love for me ran. The only thing that could stop him being with me was me. If I wanted to turn and run from him, he would not stop me. He would not hound me. He would not stalk me. He would respect my decision, and while he would not give up hope, and would be kind to me whenever we passed in the street, he would also make room for me, and yet not avoid me.
And that love. What a capacity he has for love! He has loved many very deeply, and still does. Even those who have hurt him deeply. And yet, somehow I know that he has not loved anyone like he loves me, and that he probably will never love like this again. If we do not end up together, he will love another. But not as much. If he lives another 80 years, and we do not get together, he will never love like he loves me this moment.
There were more levels yet in those eyes. But I am not capable of seeing there yet. What I saw only took a few seconds, yet several minutes of typing to write out – and I am not a slow typist!
I remained quiet until he finished. When I realised he had said all he was going to, I tried to think of something to say.
But no words would come. I was overwhelmed by what had just happened, and I could not speak. A thought struck me. I tried to rule it out. But it kept coming back. It seemed so natural and yet. No. No way. How can I? What will he think? What does this mean for me? What will happen next? The nerves were rising. Even as I type now, several hours later, I have goosebumps and a feeling stronger than I have felt before. But I can name that feeling now.
And when I finally gave in to the thought, it seemed so natural. One moment I was scared, trying to reject a crazy thought that I could never act on. The next, I was wondering what the hell the fuss was about and worse, what had I missed out on already?
I could not answer with words, so I let my actions talk instead. I leant over and put an arm over his shoulder, and leant against him.
"You have not lost me" was all I could say.
He put his hand on my shoulder and quietly said "Thank you".
We stayed like that for some time. Quiet, enjoying the view. Enjoying the company. Thinking.
My thoughts turned to the last week. The feeling I now know is love had been with me every night, as it had been many times before hand. Sometimes I would wake thinking someone who loved me was beside me in bed, like I could feel them. I was surprised not to find someone there. Sometimes, I was surprised not to find him there.
But this last week, it has been more intense.
Are we somehow connected? Am I able to feel what he feels for me, when he feels it? Can he be right about what he said – that I will know his love because I will feel it?
I will have to ask him soon.
The weather is going to be foul over the next few days. I may not get to see him, but I will call him when I wake up and tell him that he was right.
Before we left, he let me in on the secret. He told me that we share a bond that cannot be broken by others, or even by distance, and that he would teach me how to recognise it, and to use it.
He put his hand on my chest, and asked if I could feel something about where his hand was that was increasing in strength. Although at the time I thought it was just nerves, I said I could.
He told me that it was an effect of his love for me, that I could feel it sometimes, and that I could know how strong it is. I thought he was telling me rubbish but I have felt this when I have thought of him in the past.
And while I still have my doubts, I am certain that he loves me. And while I don't think I will tell him just yet, I am certain that I love him.
I have one more question to answer. Despite what he feels, and what I feel, there are obstacles. He knows this. He knows what they are. I could see it hidden in his eyes. He knows something that, no matter how much we love each other, it could keep us apart. And at least some of it is because of his love for me.
I did do one stupid thing to put a dent on the night. I am still not entirely happy with the idea of me not being straight, and at the time was even less comfortable with the idea. I was only beggining to realise that I have strong feelings for David, still no where near naming or admiting those feelings.
We had sat for some time, my arm no longer over his shoulder, just making small talk. The subject turned again to sexuality and he asked me if I was gay or bi.I told him "No". He looked at me strangely for a moment, with something like a shadow in his eyes as he thought about my answer, before he looked away. A couple of minutes later he told me that I need not be afraid, that merely spending time with him would not make me change my sexualty, and that it was up to me to decide when and how often we see each other.
And that is what I need to apologise to him about. I understand that look. He did not believe my answer, but he did accept that it was not something I was ready to admit to, even to myself, and he would let me take my own time.
When I am aready, I will apologise, and hope he takes it well.
Now all I need is for some more time with him.
I am able to sleep now. I will write again soon. Maybe when I have some more answers for myself.