Part 2 Chapter 9 : Fallen into the Light.
Copyright 2005-2007. All rights reserved. Applies to all chapters in this series.
This story is fictional based on fictional characters. Any similarity to any person living or dead is coincidence. This chapter contains references to teen/teen boy sex.
If this is legal for you to read and is the sort of stuff you enjoy reading then read and enjoy. If this is not legal for you to read and/or is not the sort of stuff that you enjoy then do not read. You have the choice.
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It's been a week since my last post.
Midnight will be home for the coming weekend if her condition is good enough. It seems likely, she is really picking up now. She's lost the IV and is eating soft food, and is happily walking around her cage. She is happy to see which ever one of us is willing to visit her.
I am home now, and.. Well, lets just say that things have changed - some for the better and some for the worse.
The worst of it is that I have been charged with assault on the SPCA lady. Despite the officer's efforts, I have been charged and have my first day in court next Friday. I'm scared. It just seems as if I am getting things back together and then bang, another hit.
Everyone assures me that I will be OK. The officer's report into the event will be honest but will downplay it. My lawyer says that while prison is possible, it is very unlikely that any judge would consider it. He also assures me that I will be OK. Given the circumstances, it is remotely possible that I will be discharged without conviction.
I decided to take time to talk to Uncle Andrew about what happened with David before I left. While I had decided to go back, and while I knew that I loved David, I had my doubts and I had my jealousies and a few other things going on. And I was damned scared as well. I don't know why, it doesn't make sense but.. I was still scared to face him. After all that had happened since we last spoke face to face, all the changes and growing that we had both done, all the words we had said to each other in anger and in love, after all this and still I was scared to see him.
And that's why I needed to talk.
Uncle had a bit of thinking to do because he had not been in this place before. He'd never been through anything like what I had gone through with David. All he could suggest was that we talk it over and see where things lead, that we approach it openly and remember that we are friends, not enemies. If we find we are struggling to get past a point then we should agree to move on to something else and leave that for later.
He also told me that David, despite all his strengths, would probably also be scared out of his wits. He reminded me of the love that David has expressed for me, and that David lost me through something that to him would've seemed like an insignificant thing - he'd be scared that a small step out of place would see me running from him again.
That took us to talking about how he felt when he saw Sam and me together on the bench that day. He said that he was a little upset over it and felt a bit left out, but he had no idea how we had ended up like that and no evidence that we had done anything wrong (although he knows now). He also pointed out that at the time he knew that even if we had done something together, it would be done out of any number of reasons, but it would not be done out of any desire to hurt him or to separate him and Sam. I could see more about how much of an idiot I had been when I ran after seeing David and Peter together.
I also realised that I was a hypocrite. I had run from David when I saw him and Peter together. I had been abusive to both of them because I thought David had been unfaithful to me. But I never once thought about what I was doing with Sam. While he and Uncle may not have exactly been a couple, there was certainly room to believe that they could be, and I never even went so far as to check. I ran from David because I chose to believe that he and Peter were getting it on together. But when it came to my turn a short while later, when Sam and I were together, I looked out only for my own feelings and didn't give even the slightest thought to how someone else would feel. It never even occurred to me to think about how Uncle might feel. It never even occurred to me that I might be asking Sam to betray Uncle's trust. Thinking on it a little more I realised that, in the heat of the moment, I would not have cared. Had I thought of all this, had I seen it all, had I even had some vision of it leading to Uncle's suicide or something, I know myself. I know I would still have gone ahead with it. I felt indescribably foul as I realised just what sort of person I was.
Uncle held me as I broke down. The feelings and thoughts overpowered me as I realised how much of a mess I had made by accusing David of doing something that he hadn't done, and yet I was quite happy to do just that thing myself. I couldn't talk about this with him. Every time I tried to say something the feelings would overpower me and I would go back to a state of uncontrollable bawling.
He held me as I cried myself to sleep, then went off to make some lunch for us. The smell of one of his pizza's (which is basically a frozen one but "slightly modified" to make it much nicer) nearing eating temperature was enough to wake me and get me moving.
Over lunch we talked some more. He skirted round the issue of my crying knowing that it could set me off, but I felt that he did understand what the issue was in the first place. He told me that one of the things that kept him from getting upset when he thought of Sam and me getting together was that Sam had no commitment to him, but also that I would be heading home soon and he would have Sam to himself again.
And then he reached over and grabbed my hand. He looked into my eyes and said "I forgot to thank you by the way. You've given him to me. I don't know what you said or what you did but whatever it was, it brought him to me. Thanks".
Nothing needed to be said in reply. We finished our lunch, I put my gear in the car, then spent some time kissing and cuddling with both Sam and Uncle Andrew (well, no kisses for him!) as we said our goodbyes, before heading back home.
On the way I stopped again at that special spot, and spent some time sitting admiring the beauty of God's creation. He and I had a bit of a talk while I was there. It seemed both incredibly strange to me and yet completely natural, to have a talk with the creator of the universe. Some would deny it was Him, would claim it was my own imagination, but He and I know what happened. He gave me answers to some of my questions, others He told me to wait for. I got the feeling that some of the answers are well beyond any person understanding. He did suggest that I do the deed there and then, but I resisted. I told Him that I wanted to give this to David, to make up for all that I had done to him. He seemed to take some convincing but in the end let me go. I don't know if He was OK with me waiting to see David before taking that final step but He agreed to it, and let me go on my way in peace. I did feel a bit guilty but I really did want to keep this for David.
The rest of the drive home was uneventful, bar for a near miss as I got closer to home. I started getting a bit nervous again and took my focus off the road. Nearly hitting another car brought me back to my senses, and a few minutes later I was turning off the engine after parking the car at home.
Mum wasn't home when I got there, thankfully. It gave me some time to rest and relax and think a bit before heading out. I had a coffee, unpacked the car, had a shower, then phoned David to make sure he was home. He was.
My heart was in my throat as I pulled into their driveway. Allan's car wasn't there, which was a bit of relief. Things would be easier without him there.
Then came the moment of truth. I was knocking on the door. David would answer. For the first time in over a month I would be seeing him. Two months ago I could not see any way that we would ever be apart for more than a few minutes at a time. But in the moments between the first knock and the turning of the handle, I still was not sure that we would ever be together again. Thoughts were rushing through my head faster than I could keep track of, most of them negative. Maybe he'd decided to go somewhere else, would he want to see me, why would he be there, why wouldn't he ignore the door even if he was there, why would he want me, why would he bother with me, was he worth it, could I handle this? It always amazes me how many thoughts we can have in only a few seconds.
A moment later the door was open, and David was standing there. Again, many streams of thoughts rushing through my head. How to respond? How to react? What should I do? In a split second it seemed like a thousand choices had been thought of, analyzed, and rejected, leaving only one. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged for all life's worth.
Shortly after we were inside on the couch. 5 minutes passed.. 10.. 20.. 30 minutes and more.. Not a word was said. We hugged, kissed, cried, and kissed away each others tears. In the end I couldn't hold on any longer.
"David, stop. I can't hold off this any more. Please tell me what that dream meant.". It struck me as being a bit off that after all that, after all we had passed through, my first words were about some dream. Telling him of my love, getting his pants off and getting inside him, or him inside me, apologizing for my stupidity, all this stuff that could've and should've been said. But no, I had to ask about a dream. I couldn't help it.
David got up and grabbed his laptop which he had nearby. He opened the screen and and switched to a browser page opened on Ecclesiastes 4:12 :
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
I read, then put the machine down and looked over at David. He then showed me Matthew 18:20 :
"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
I could feel something happening as he started to explain. He pointed out that one interpretation of the verse is linked to the verse in Matthew, where it talks about 2 Christians being together, and Jesus being the 3rd strand. I don't know if, in his excitement, he could see that I was turning white or not but I could feel it coming. I was at the final point of realizing that God was real. All doubts were gone. I was realizing all I had done, and what it meant - all the bad stuff in my life and how it had harmed others, how much it had harmed others. And I was feeling the power of God Himself as it came in sweeping all else aside. It was just to much for me.
When I woke, David was holding me. He made sure I was OK first and checked as to why I fainted. He gave me a funny look for a moment then said "I'll have to talk to you about this a bit more, it's given me something to think about that's for sure". Once he was sure I was OK he asked if I was ready for the final step. I nodded.
"Ok. Firstly I just need to make sure that you're aware of what is called "The Gospel" or "Good News". I want to make sure you understand what the situation is.
"God made the earth, the universe, and all life. He did that all in one week about 6,000 years ago, give or take. I know it's hard to grasp with all the stuff we get taught but that we worry about later.
"God made man in His own image, meaning that we have a spirit and soul, and of course much higher intelligence than the animals. We were made with the ability to worship God. But we were also made with the ability and freedom to sin. And that's what man did, sin. Sin is disobedience to God. It is simply not doing the things that God wants us to. This caused separation between man and God, a separation that causes us to be lost without a way to cross it.
"About 2000 years ago God caused a woman, Mary, to become pregnant without sex. In her was God's own Son, Jesus the Christ. Our savior. Jesus was born and lived a life without sin.
"He taught things that the religious leaders of His day didn't like, and eventually they decided to have Him killed for what they considered to be His sins.
"After 3 days Jesus was raised back to life. This defeated sin and death, and Jesus gave us a way back to God, a way to get over that separation. You following?"
I nodded. David continued.
"The Bible also tells us how basic salvation is. It says that if we confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord and believe in our hearts that God raised Him from the dead, we will be saved. Any questions?"
I shook my head. I just wanted this done. I was through with questioning God.
"Ok, so this is what you need to do. You need to ask God to forgive you for your sins, and ask Him to come in to your life, and give your life to Him. You with me on this?"
I was shaking as I nodded my answer. Delays. DELAYS! Please, no more delays! I don't want to wait another second! I nodded, then prayed. "God, I'm sorry for all the bad I've done and I ask you to forgive me. I give my life to you. Please come in and live in me. I believe in you Lord."
A warm and... invigorating awareness slowly swept through my body. My heart swelled with strange and new feelings that I've never felt before. It was as if all that was wrong in my life was exposed. All that was dead inside for so long began to live. I know my life will never be the same.
David was congratulating me or something, but I barely noticed. All I truly desired to do was to savour the moment of God's unconditional love that embraced me.
Stunned, dazed, and enveloped in the greatest warmth, the deepest love. For how long I don't know. Time ceased. As the seconds ticked into eternity, all else dissolved. Everything just.. stopped.
What I felt I can't really put into words. I can write and write and write and still be so far from the goal of describing this. I'll try, but...
Firstly, I felt clean. Not clean in the way you'd feel just after that first wash after not having a shower for a month and working in filth every day, not even that would compare. I mean clean like every piece of dirt you've ever come near in your life has left you with a stain that you can see, smell and feel but you cannot wash off. You feel the filth clinging to you, you feel the itches and stings and other associated annoyances with not being able to be clean. You can smell it, the stench fills your nostrils. You cannot escape the smell. Even in your dreams you are conscious of it, it is so strong. And you look black with caked dirt and other gunk all over your body, layer upon layer of it weighing you down. Becoming a Christian is like someone comes along with a soap that removes all that instantly, makes you smell great, soothes all the itching, and removes all the other sores. It's like all the wrong in your life being removed in a moment. All that troubles you melts, instead to be replaced with peace and warmth, and a sense of love that goes beyond what I can describe. All that I have experienced of late was only a small taste of what was to come.. And the peace! I doubt any person would ever be able to understand or describe the sense of peace that came!
After the passage of unknown amounts of time, I looked up and straight into something that seemed to be like a searchlight. David was so happy and his face so "lit up" it was just like a searchlight. White hot and powerful, piercing into the darkest of places. And those eyes.. Glow in the dark eyes.. There is no way I could hope to describe it. I could write a million words in a way you could understand perfectly what I meant with every word, and I would still not come close to explaining how happy he looked at that moment. Happy isn't even the right word. He looked at peace. He looked as if everything was right with the world. He looked as if the person he loved the most had just experienced the most wonderful and powerful and life-saving event that any person could ever experience, as if the one he loved had been saved from some terrible fate, as if the one he loved had been given the greatest gift imaginable.
I stood up to go and do something, not sure what, and again I was down for the count. Another wave washed over me and I couldn't stand. I didn't faint but I couldn't stand up under it either.
That was it. The most amazing experience of my life. I know that I will always remember this moment. The date, the time, where and when, everything about this moment I will remember forever. And I don't mean forever as a simple phrase, I mean that I really will remember this moment for all time, and beyond all time.
I am a Christian.
I never thought that I would ever say those words. I am a Christian. It makes me feel great just saying that. I am a Christian.. Wow.
I can only say.. Try it for yourself before you mock it. If you don't experience this, you can't mock it. You can't judge it. You have no basis for comparison.
[Yeah sorry about the delay folks. But there you have it, the most important chapter in here. But this is not the end! More to come.. Much more...
I'd like to thank Dave A and Laz H for their assistance and words here, along with many others who have contributed to this chapter, knowingly or unknowingly.
There are those who would argue with the way I have said things here, and those who would say that gays can't be Christian and so forth. Show me where Jesus once said "I come only for the pure, the sinner cannot be saved". For that matter, show me where He once said anything anti-gay, show me where He once taught it was OK to stone the sinner, show me where He once said it was OK for you to judge another.
He and I know where things stand, and it will be He who judges me. No one else gets that right.
For those who aren't straight, those who struggle with some level of sin, those who can't get it quite right - don't worry. Jesus is about Love and Mercy and Grace, not hate, anger, punishment and so on that so many teach that He is. He asks us to develop a relationship with Him, and promises to heal us and clean us. He will accept you as you are, and mold you into your best if you let Him - not forcefully, but gently. Just like if you were to fall for someone, start a relationship, move in together - you would have to make small and generally gradual changes to how you live to make things work, wouldn't you? You're not so selfish and unloving that you would expect them to be the only ones to change, you would also want to change to make them happy?
Well, that is how it is with Jesus. You want to make Him happy, so over time you change. You chance because you want to, because He becomes the most important thing to you, and you want to do things right by Him. Out of love, not force or threat. Love.
Those who would condemn for any reason only condemn themselves.
For those who were hurt by someone else in the church, someone else who claims to follow Jesus - that was the person doing the hurting. Jesus had no part in it.
Don't let the words of someone else take away your chance at a great relationship with God. Don't let someone else mistreating you in His name prevent you from getting to know what He is really like, in person.
For He does love you, and is waiting for you to take the time to get to know Him.
In Jesus Christ, there is love, forgiveness, peace, and so much more. There is no shame nor condemnation.