Author’s Note: We now have to take a break from sex and return to Nathan’s mission. The nature of that mission is somber. In my experience, as the end approaches, no matter how they may have lived, no matter how atheistic they may have been, by whatever word one might choose, people always get philosophical, and they often get “spiritual.” This chapter touches on those themes.

Come share this ceremony with our heroes.

Life, Death, and…

At the open tailgate of the pickup, they prepared to take Brian’s ashes to their sacred pool. Adrian’s voice was awed when he said, “This is a beautiful urn, Nathan. I wondered what was in the box behind the seats. Now I see it. Wow!”

The urn was a tall, narrow, free-form piece. It looked like something nature would produce. Glazed brilliant red with streaks of black and white and splattered touches of gold, it could be seen as either a flame or a giant crimson rosebud on the verge of opening.

“It was made by one of Brian’s dearest friends. It’s porcelain. The mortician said the law required that the urn have a sealed top, but I just could not bear to take him away in a plastic bag in cardboard box and then pour him into this, so I slipped the mortician a Benjamin and said, ‘Please don’t ask, and please don’t tell.’ I brought him one of Brian’s silk ascots to stuff in the top to seal it. I promised I would not spill it.”

“A ‘Benjamin?’”

“Yes, Benjamin Franklin’s on the hundred dollar bill, right?”

“Yeah. I never heard them called that. I heard ’em called ‘C notes.’ That’s from the Latin, ‘centum.’”

Nathan thought it was cute the way Adrian, possibly embarrassed by his ignorance, wished to show off his knowledge. He even pronounced the Latin correctly, using the classical accent, saying “KEN-toom,” rather than the English “SEN-tuhm.”

Nathan, wishing to show him equality, said, “I don’t know why I said, ‘Benjamin,’ Adrian. Uh, shit. I guess I was trying to sound cool! I’m nervous. Are you?”

“Yeah. I keep feeling like I’m intruding in a private thing.”

“You are not intruding. I am certain that Brian would be happy for me to have someone to share this experience with. He was never a jealous guy. Really self-confident that way, and he did always like three-ways, like I told you. It’s cool, brother. Great, in fact.”

“OK. But I don’t really have anything nice to wear.”

“Niether do I. But Brian wouldn’t mind that. He’d say your skin is prettier than any clothes you could possibly wear. We can go as we are.”

They were both barefoot, shirtless, and wearing shorts without underwear.

He told Adrian, “It’s almost like I can feel him watching and smiling. I feel his constant presence. I do not know if it my grief making me see things that are not there or if it real. This place really makes me think of him.”

“I keep getting the feeling we are watched too, Nathan. Ever since I saw you at the gas station in Santa Clarita. Even before that, I got an excited feeling, like I needed to be on the lookout because I was gonna get lucky, so I should not miss the chance.”

Adrian moved close to Nathan as the older man loaded his small backpack. Their shoulders brushed. He looked at Nathan expectantly.

Nathan could not process Adrian’s remark. Inarticulate thoughts bounced around in his mind. He stared at the urn and his backpack. His hands moved from one to the other absently.

Adrian rescued him. He said, “How about I carry the backpack and you carry the urn, and we can talk about life and death when we get to where we are going.”

“Yes. That is a good plan. OK.”

Nathan had another gift from another of their mutual friends – a woman who had been researching Roman women, and she had reconstructed the design of the type of vertical loom they had in almost every home of the era. Nathan had helped with the project, and she had taught herself to weave. She brought a strip of hand-woven linen to enwrap the urn at Brian’s memorial. It served as a symbolic shroud. He used this roughly textured cloth to partially wrap the urn, and he rested the wrapped urn in the crook of his left arm, draping the shroud artfully. The urn was about the same size as a small baby and set in that position comfortably. It felt right.

Indifferent to the stares of anyone who might be watching, he reached up with his right hand to touch Adrian’s cheek. He turned his handsome face to him, and he kissed his red lips.

They made their way out of camp, passing the loving family as they sat in the shade on a blanket by their tent. Frances nursed the baby, and John read a book to the girl. The man gave them a small wave, and the woman blew them both a kiss. They were touching gestures.

The tree-lined road was shady and peaceful. Nathan found his voice again. He told Adrian, “Brian always said, ‘No one ever really dies, Nathan. We just change our names.’ Brian studied Buddhism. He met Alan Watts one time. You ever heard of him? "

“I’ve heard of Alan Watts. My mom has some of his books. I never read him.”

“He wrote popular works explaining Eastern philosophy. Among other things, Watts talked about karma, and life after death.”

Adrian nodded. He asked, “Do you believe in God? Nathan?”

“No. Even if he exists, he’s too fucked up to honor. Look at this mess of a planet! Does that offend you?”

“No. But I believe in something. Life has magical aspects. Not every coincidence is a coincidence. My family is Catholic. I was baptized. We only go to Mass on special occasions, but my dad is a big doner. I told you he wants me to go to University of Portland. I think I said it was a private, Catholic school. He thinks Southern Oregon University will turn me in a Marxist.”

“It did not have that effect on me, obviously, but you ever go to confession?”

“Of course. I even told a priest I was attracted to other boys. I told him I watched porn. This was before Diane and I hooked up.”

“What did he say?”

“He said he was gay too, and the church gave him a place. But he was celibate.”

“Interesting! He didn’t try to touch your little winky?”

“No, Nathan. It was not like that. I’ve heard that stuff like that happens, and it’s all in the news how the Church covers it up, and for a Catholic, it’s just awful, but there’s another side to the story, Nathan. It never happened to me. He was kind. He told me that God makes people the way they are for a reason. He said I should seek friendship and love and these were higher things than lust. He said I should not be ashamed.”

“Wow.”

“He said that when I felt such urges, I should pray, and God would show me how to use that energy to make something good. He talked about ‘sublimation.’ That’s a term Sigmund Freud used.”

“And did you follow that advice?”

“I was never really tempted much, actually. I guess God made me picky!”

Adrian laughed lightly at his comment. As they reached the river bed, he added, “But I think the way we do it is like that.”

Nathan hopped his way over the narrow part of the river. He asked, “How so?”

“We do not just have sex. We make love. That is what I always wanted. That is why I waited. So I guess maybe my prayers were answered.”

Adrian’s casually tossed off comment struck Nathan with the force of a bullet.

He is in love with me.

Nathan said the first thing that came to his mind. “You realize what you just said is a really big deal, right? You say it lightly and casually, but it is important. You realize that, right?”

Adrian shrugged as he stepped over the stream to re-join Nathan at his side. He only said, “I think you are man enough to handle it. You won’t hurt me. You won’t burn me. I know I’m right.”

He did not look at Nathan. He was looking around. He smiled. “This was where we kissed last night, the first time. It looks so different in the daylight!”

They enjoyed the moment together. Shasta looked divine in the distance the bare streaks were a blue-gray purple, and snowy parts pale blue as they mingled with the sky.

Adrian told him, “So I asked John and Frances if Shasta was male of female, and they both said he was male. Then, when I went to get water, I asked Moonlyte’s group, they did not agree. Moonlyte and one of the guys said, ‘female,’ but the other two said, ‘male.’ Moonlyte keeps talking about ‘The Goddess.’ She says the whole planet is female, and mountains are like breasts.”

Nathan said, “Yes. I have heard her perspective many times. It’s part of one of the ‘New Age’ schticks. There are a lot of wonky cultists around Shasta. Lots of silly ideas about the mountain. Some people believe it is the secret hiding place of ‘Lemurians’ who are N-dimensional beings who only manifest to spiritually enlightened people. It’s a hodge-podge of Lamaism, Hinduism, and Celtic paganism.”

“And you think it’s all a crock of shit, huh, Nathan?”

“Pretty much. I think they’ve all done too mush LSD. But I’ve had some weird experiences on Shasta. They have their interpretations, and I have mine.”

“Like, what kind of ‘weird experiences?’”

“One time, camping on on the west side, in the middle of the night, I suddenly woke up because I felt surrounded by little people, like gnomes or elves. I sat up, and for a split instant, I saw sparkling lights all around me. It kept happening all night. Usually I sleep well in the woods. I sleep best. The next night, I moved camp. Then, at the next camp, I felt like I had angered something, I kept feeling this rage directed at me!”

“Creepy!”

“Yep. Well, I had been crapping just over the hump of the hill, and this was a place that was full of ground squirrels. I woke up once more feeling this anger and I looked in the direction it was coming from, and I saw this little ground squirrel on a log, staring at me! I realized I’d been shitting in his home, and he was pissed!”

“That’s a funny story!”

“Yes. The animals on Shasta have been protected for a long time. They are not hunted. So they will come right up to you all curious. Another time, on the other side, I woke up and saw that an entire herd of deer had walked right through my camp. The tracks were all around me. Didn’t even wake me up. I had no hostility, and they had no fear. We each did our thing. All I can say, Adrian, is that Shasta manifests an aliveness I do not feel in other places. There is something magical there.”

Adrian nodded. “There were places on the Navajo Rez like that. They say that the world still has guardian spirits.”

“I can believe that, Adrian.”

“So you are not really an atheist then.”

“Well, I do not subscribe to ‘Lemurians’ or manifestations of either God or the ‘Goddess.’ That’s superstitious fucking nonsense. But Socrates believed the soul was reborn into a new body. It had to be, he said, or the universe would run out of energy. It was a kind of psychic theory of entropy. Virgil, in the Aeneid described the underworld as a place where one’s sins – along with memories – are burned away before rebirth. The whole subject has been polluted by the Judeo-Christian tradition. The Bible describes death as ‘sleep,’ but in earlier times, some Jewish sects, like the Pharisees, believed in rebirth while the Sadducees did not. They, being the victors of the philosophic battle, got to write the history.

“But, anyway. Fuck God! I’d say that makes me an atheist. Do you see any lightning bolts?”

To punctuate the point, Nathan flipped off the sky. “Bring it, you CUNT!”

He looked at Adrian with a smiling mouth but wicked eyes.

Adrian cocked his head and said, “Do you feel better now, Nathan?”

Nathan laughed. “Yes. I feel better. Let’s do this!”

Nathan took Adrian to their pool by his preferred route, over the fallen tree and through the brush. After balancing carefully across the tree, he rock hopped over the top of the stream, and Adrian followed expertly.

Landing lightly on the little beach beside the little pool, Nathan felt empty. The clutter of thoughts that had been plaguing him and the stress of work related things was finally absent. The sun was warm upon them. The rivulet sparkled above them as it tumbled over the boulders, making musical sounds. The pool swirled gently before him. His sweet Adrian clung to him, holding an arm.

Adrian, his voice hushed, asked, “How do we do this?”

Nathan had thought about this part. He told Adrian, “I am going to respect Brian’s beliefs. This is his show. I was planning on talking to him.”

Adrian set down the backpack and said, “OK.”

Nathan lifted his head and closed his eyes. His dead lover’s presence was palpable.

“Brian,” he said gently, “if what you believed is true, then you are watching us now. You see I hold this pretty urn, and in it are all that remains of your former body. We come here to this place where you and I shared such joy together, and I return your dismantled frame to the earth.

“As you can see, on the journey here, I found a new friend. I trust you would appreciate him, and I hope you welcome his presence as we pour your ashes into this water. He is a beautiful one, is he not?”

Nathan opened his eyes and blinked several times. He said to Adrian, “I’m getting chills all over me. Look! I have goosebumps!”

Adrian, his eyes big, said, “Me too!”

He held his forearm next to Nathan’s to show him.

Nathan told him, “I feel all enveloped!”

“Yeah! He’s totally here, Nathan! It’s intense! It’s like he’s hugging us!”

“Brian would call the sensation ‘Romantic.’ We tremble at the edge of the infinite. We feel small in the face of power beyond our control. It is out of our control. We are pawns in a great game. It is beautiful, and terrible…

“Whoa!”

“What is it, Nathan? What just happened?”

“It was like I was Brian for a second! Those were his words!”

Nathan shook his head like a dog. That had been a strange sensation.

Enwrapped by that eerie feeling, Nathan stepped forward into the water up to his ankles. He splashed his way to the head of the pool. Adrian sat on his haunches nearby, his eyes wide.

Talking to Brian, Nathan said, “It’s got to be a relief for you to be free of all that pain you were in, huh? But our life was not all about pain! You found me. You taught me. You helped me. I became a better person. I learned patience. I became a captain and not a servant, and this made me feel calm and brave rather than hectic and worried all the time. And then, you left me everything. I do not even know what to do with all the stuff you gave me! I don’t even really want it! I’d throw it all away to have you back, Brian!”

He felt himself shuddering.

He had not wept a single tear since Brian had died, but he wept then.

Finally, the tears came.

With shaking hands, he unwrapped the shroud. Adrian, he saw, had moved to him, and that wonderfully sensitive young man took the subtly textured, pale linen strip from him and tossed it over his shoulders, adding artful panache to that by throwing in another toss around his neck. Nathan plucked the rainbow colored, silk ascot from the narrow opening of the urn and flicked off a bit of the white dust that came with it. Adrian took this and wrapped it around Nathan’s neck, giving it a quick tie.

Through his tears, Nathan smiled as he lightly touched the fine cloth around his neck. “This was his ‘gay rainbow party cravat.’ He would wear it as kind of a joke.”

Adrian smiled and nodded.

Looking up again, Nathan exclaimed, “I hope this does not irritate the fish, Brian!”

He started to pour out the urn, but stumbled a bit on a stone in the the water.

Adrian reached forward to catch the urn. They found themselves holding it together and looking into each other’s eyes.

In silent accord, they tipped over the urn, and all the bits of ash and bone came flowing out. Nathan was surprised to see that they were not as white as the living bones he had seen when his hand was shredded by the shotgun blast. Many of the chunks were beige. It was a mix. Some of the chunks were the size of small knuckles, but most looked like the potassium rich fertilizer he used on lawns. There was little actual dust. Swirling in the water, all the particles sank.

Nathan watched them spinning away into the darkness of the pool and disappear.

When the urn was near empty, he let some pour into his hand. It was bone, alright. It had the consistency of coral sand. But then, coral sand was essentially the same stuff, almost pure calcium.

When the urn was empty, he plunged it in the water, pulled it out, shook it, and poured it out again.

When it was done, Nathan felt different. He had read a great book, and the book was finished; he had read the last word, sighed, and closed the cover.

He felt a surge of energy. He felt stronger. He felt lighter. He felt certain again.

He felt… Elation?

His beloved, wide-eyed Adrian stared back at him.

His old exuberance rekindled, Nathan to his pretty lover said, “Let’s fuck.”