Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 07:45:58 -0700 (PDT) From: Ryan Scott Subject: Sammy's Journal (part 1) There are graphic scenes between boys and men, if you are not old enough, or are offended by such things then do not read any further. Sammy's Journal (part 1) 1 of 3 By Ryan Scott (b/b b/m) Author's Note I met Sam over the Computer and he was in serious need of help when I started talking to him. He had been involved in gay porno since he was around 11. He had finely gotten out of it when he was 13. About Six months later one of the guys that had been filming him started calling and threatening him if he didn't come back. After I talked to him a few weeks. I convinced him to tell someone about it. This is were the story starts. I talk to Sam for about a year and almost every day. This journal is about Sam's experiences growing up gay I wrote it from his viewpoint, and much of it is in its original form that he wrote to me. As you will see, this kid is unbelievable. Sam is a very good-hearted person, but he has gone though just about every trial of growing up gay. I think Journal really captures the heart of a young boy, So I tried to leave in as much detail as I could. Sammy is a talented writer and wrote to me from his heart. It is something rare to see and I wanted to share it. All of the names mentioned have been changed including Sammy's, but that is all that has been changed. I have wanted to share this story for a long time, but I didn't want to hurt Sam. He is grown up now and I think that even he would enjoy seeing the heart of a boy as only it can be seen by a boy. Date: 11/24 08:56 AM I got home late last night. My grandma is better but still in hospital. We go there for Thanksgiving so now we will just stay home. You know, it is over 8 hours to her house. Even though I am only 14, my dad lets me drive when we go to grandmas. My dad slept most of the way but when he woke up it was like he was watching me. Finally he said did I need to talk anything over with him. He said that he was sorry that he had been so busy and had not made time for me. I acted like a big baby. I started to cry. I had been keeping a big secret for a long time, and now my secret had caught up to me. As he was sleeping next to me, my mind was flying with a new problem. I didn't take notice that he had woken up. About 2 years ago, I had managed to get my self into a child porno ring. I was one of the stars. I got paid well, and I also enjoyed it very much. The one thing I regret is getting my friends into it. I had gotten my best friend Ricky and his little brother Billy, and also some of Billy's friends into it. I decided about six months ago that I had enough of it and I stopped going. The man who ran it got very angry with me and was calling my house and threatening to put pictures of me where all my schoolmates would see them if I didn't come back. I didn't know what to do. This is when I met Ryan over the Internet. I saw a post he had made on a bulletin board and he looked like someone I could trust. He convinced me that the man would never post my picture anywhere, but he also told me I should talk to an adult that I could trust. The first and only person I could tell would be my dad. I wanted to tell him, but I was so scared. When my dad asked me if I needed to talk to him on our trip to grandmas, I just exploded with emotion. I had to pull over on the interstate so he could drive. It must have looked dorky to the cars going by. He gave me a big hug right there on the interstate. When we got going again I told him about some of the stuff. He got mad as hell. Not at me so much but just that it happened. He said that when we got home again he would get me anything I needed. Like somebody to talk to or something. He has a friend on the police and he said did I want to talk to him. What happened next really scared me; I told him I thought I was gay. He had to pull over in a rest area. He did not say anything but just got out of the car and walked around. I think I hurt him bad. He was pretty quiet the rest of the way. Coming home we talked some more. He said he could not understand how I felt but that he would try to. I did not know what to say then. I had thought he would be really pissed cause I know he doesn't like gays. He wants me to get checked for AIDS. I a clinic where I can go. They do not tell any body about the test. I'm scared but it is probably good idea. Most of my stuff has been with kids so I do not think about AIDS. But there was some with older guys. There must be something wrong me. I do not feel mad at anybody. I am sorry that the little guys got hurt a little but as far as me I told you I liked it and that is maybe why I have something wrong. How can I feel this way? I have to get ready and go to work today. We are out of school until Monday. Usually I would be real happy but with all that has happened I kind of like going to school cause it is easy to forget for a while. Date: 11/24 10:27 PM I don't really know if I feel better or not. I think it was really hard to tell dad. I DID NOT tell him all of it. I feel kind of lousy about that but I just could not do it. Not all at once anyway. Maybe later I can tell him more. Why is it so hard to tell somebody face to face? I did not have a lot of trouble telling Ryan. I had a bitch of a time telling him. You know-I felt like I was letting him down somehow. I don't know. It is a lot different. Ryan has really helped me a lot, and I trust him. I am kind of feeling better but I do not know how to feel about all that happened. Like I said this morning I do not hate any body and since I liked doing it. It is a problem for me to know how to feel about all of it. It is clear that he could not show any videos or pictures without getting into lots of trouble himself. Ryan was 100% right about that. I called Ryan on the phone, and we talked for about an hour. He is a really cool guy He told me what it was like for him growing up gay and he made me feel really comfortable talking about some of the things I have gone though. Date: 11/26 11:21 AM Well, I have sort of introduced my self to you with the things that are going on in my life right now, but maybe you are wondering how a kid can get into porno when he is only 11. That was not the beginning of my gay experiences. I was 9 years old when I had my first experience. This is how it happened; I do not remember how I knew the guy. He was maybe a friend of my dads from work. He and his family came to picnics and stuff like that so our families knew each other. At one of those picnics he asked if I wanted to make some money helping him clean out his garage. He said he would pay me $2.00 an hour and at 9 that was a lot of money. He lived about two blocks away so on a Saturday morning I went over to his house. I had on a T-shirt and shorts. We cleaned out his garage which took about an hour and I got real hot and sweaty so I had took off my T-shirt. He had on the same and had off his shirt. He was all hairy and I thought he looked like a bear. I asked him were the bathroom was because I had to pee. He said he did to but his wife had just cleaned the bathroom and we were all dirty so we went behind the garage to pee. He pulled down the front of his shorts and I saw his big dick hanging there. I really had to go so I pulled my shorts down and started to pee. I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was not peeing but was rubbing it. It was getting hard! I forgot all about peeing and watched him. It was the biggest one I had ever saw. Then mine was getting hard to. He was watching me and so I started to rub mine like he was. It made me feel funny to have him see me about naked and to see my hard dick but somehow I liked it to. My stomach and balls felt a squirmy feeling. He asked me if I wanted to touch his. I KNEW I should not but I wanted to. I was SO curious. I reached out and touched his. He made a sound and I thought I hurt him but he said it was OK. It was just that it felt good. He said did anybody ever touched me? I said no and he said it was a great feeling and did I want to try it. I said OK. We went into the house in the living room. He had me stand in front of him and he started to rub his hands all over me. It felt good when he rubbed my back and stomach and chest. He rubbed my butt and between my legs with my shorts on and then pulled them down. I had on underpants and he ran his hands all over the outside of them and then put his hands down the top of the elastic and rubbed me. I was hard as a rock and when he finally touched my little 3 inch dick he took it between his fingers and made the skin slide up and down. It felt GOOD. It was so cool to have him rub it. When I was naked, we went into his bedroom and got on the bed. He got naked and his big dick stuck straight out. He laid down and had me lay on top of him. Our chests were together and I could feel his scratchy hair against my chest and my hard little dick was pressing on his hairy stomach. I told him it felt tickly and he helped me slide around on top of him. As I was moving around he moved me down and pretty soon I felt his boner between my legs rubbing and touching my balls. I was real squirmy inside now and liked the feeling. He asked me if I wanted to try something else that felt real good. I said OK and he put me on the side of the bed with my legs hanging over and got down on his knees. He put my legs on his shoulders and leaned forward so my legs spread wide open. I felt good but then he stuck out his tongue and put it on my dick head. I about jumped out of my skin! His warm tongue moved up and down my little dink and it made me get goose bumps. I thought it was the best feeling I could ever have but then he took my whole boner in his mouth and held my dick skin with his lips and moved his head up and down it was even better! I felt him lick my ball sack and take it in his mouth and felt his tongue roll my balls around. Then he licked between my legs and his tongue almost went inside my hole. He had me turn sideways so I was lying full length on the bed right at the edge. He spread my legs and I felt his finger in my butt cheeks and then felt it try to go inside me. It was dry so it hurt and he pulled it out and sucked it and then put it back in. It went in easy and he slid it in and out a few times. Then he told me to raise my hips up and down while he sucked. I did and my dick slid in and out of his mouth and he made his finger match the in and out motion. He did it 5-6 minutes and then I thought I was going to pee! I told him and he said it was OK and to keep moving up and down. I felt my body get stiff and then I could not hold the pee feeling and my dick started to jerk and jump and the greatest feeling started. IT WAS AWESOME! I had my first cum feel. When I started to jerk he made a big noise in his throat and started breathing fast and when I got up off the bed there was his cum all over the bedspread. He had done it without even touching himself. After we got done he said he was sorry. I said what for. He said that he should not do that stuff with me. I said it was neat and that if he wanted to do it more I would. We did. About 4-5 times. He showed me how to suck him and I even swallowed his cum. He had me put my dick in him but he never did it to me. He liked to put his finger into me and slide it in and out fast. Well, that was my first time. Hope you aren't disappointed. Date: 12/01 08:50 PM Have you seen Free Willy? Man-what a cool movie! The story is good and the whale pictures are GREAT! I always like whales. I have a CD of whale "songs". It is just their calls or whatever but it almost sound like singing. It is a real amazing thing how they are so graseful in the water isn't it? It is like they move effortlessly. Call me a whale nut! If you have seen it, what did you think of Jessie? God wasn't he the cutest?!?! His real name is Jason-James something. I kidded my buddy Ricky that he was not near as cute as JJ. Geez, my dick was hard most of the way through the movie. I did not see it in the theatre. I was over at Ricky's last night and we watched it. And while we are talking about my hard dick , did you see the Circus of the Stars on TV? There was a guy, Will Estes that did stuff on a trapease (sp?). He is on some TV show I never saw. Anyway he is outrageous cute! He isn't to old because he did not have any hair under his arms and you should have seen his bulge! (maybe 13-14? I do not have any yet so it is close) He had on REAL tight pants and you could see his bulge every time the camera got on him. God--that was hard on my heart not to mention other parts of me! Ummm good stuff! I think it is time to jerk off. Do you remember when you got your first cum? (juice not feel) I was almost 13! My friend Ricky got his lots sooner. His brother is just 12 now and he can already get pre-cum. I got it for about 3-4 weeks before it turned white. They don't get as much as me. I get maybe a tablespoon or so and the first time each day I shot on my belly but after than it runs down my hand. Maybe I can't get more because I do it so much ever day! Usually 3-4 times! I guess everyone likes different things. My favorite thing to be done to me is to be on my knees over a guy and have him lick me between my legs that little cord like thing that runs from your hole to the bottom of your ball sack. That REALLY gets me going!!! I love to suck dick to. I do not know why exactly but the feel of a hard dick in my mouth is radical! I am cut. I did it with a guy once who wasn't. Now THAT is different! SUPER COOL! I liked to get him when he was soft and lick up into his skin. He did not stay soft long but putting my tongue into his foreskin was great. I wish sometimes that I were not cut. His dick was so sensitive you would not believe it! I could put my tongue on his dick head and lick just a little and he would almost scream. After he would cum he could not stand to even touch it for a little while. It must be neat. Well that is just about it for now. I have some homework to do and then I am going to hit the feathers. I have a cold or something and my head is all full so it makes it hard to breathe. I don't get many colds but when I do it is a good one. Date: 12/02 09:26 PM I know I have mentioned Ricky and Billy a couple times, so let me tell you about them. Ricky is my friend for a real long time. They live down the street and I go there a lot. I eat with them and his mom even does some of my washing and stuff. I have spend a lot of time there since my mom left and dad is not home so much. I don't like to be home alone. When it is for a long time it gets real lone some. I don't mind being along for a while but it is a real pain if it is a lot. Ryan told me he could cum at the age of 10. Gees! That is young, Most guys I know about never did until maybe late 11 or 12. I myself did not until almost 13! Geez I must be a slow developer. Ricky was later than me even. We jacked each other lots to try and get it but didn't for a long time. But then we did and it has been super cool since. About how Billy got involved with us. Well Ricky and me did things for a long time. When we were little we would go in some bushes and pull our pants down and look and rub on each other. We didn't have much idea of what to do but it felt good and so we did it. Well one night when I was maybe 10 I slept over. Ricky and me were awake and we thought Billy was asleep. We got naked and I got into his bed and we were rubbing around. It was summer and we were not covered up. I remember that Ricky was lying on top of me and we were rubbing our dicks together. (Did you ever do that with a guy? That is the coolest!) Anyway we must have made to much noise because all of a sudden Billy was standing there beside the bed watching. We were kind of scared that he might tell but he only asked what we were doing and if he could do it with us. His dick was hard so he must have been watching us for a while. We told him to jump in so he pulled his underpants off and got in with us. It was neat. He has a hard little dick and liked doing stuff. Ricky and him don't do to much together. Ricky said he doesn't like to do it with his brother. I guess I can see why. I mean they did in the videos and stuff but that is about all. So Billy and me do stuff once in a while. He is a cool little dude for a younger kid. He REALLY likes doing stuff so I do not feel bad about doing it with him when he wants to. Last summer he sat for some twins. That was RAD! He wanted to do stuff with them. I will tell you about it cause it was a good deal for me to. Oh about me. I am 5'4" and about 112 lbs. I have brown hair and eyes. I will tell you about the rest of me. My dick is not real big. I am only about 4.75 hard and about 3.5 soft. I have got pubic hair but it is not real thick yet. I don't have any hair under my arms yet or anyplace else. I told you I was cut and my balls are about like big marbles. Ricky and Billy have black hair and cool green eyes. Ricky's dick is just about 5" long and Billy's is about 4". Ricky has hair and Billy does not. I think they are cute. They are both cut to. When you do stuff, you know how you get a kind of funny feel in your stomach and balls? I do not know how to explain it. I call it my squirmy feel. I get it when I think or do sex stuff. Its cool and I like it. Anyway I had a real cool time with Billy last summer. He was sitting for some 9 year old twins two or three times a week while their mom was working. He took them swimming and had seen them naked and wanted to get something started with them. He asked if I wanted to help him. The big problem we had was how to get it started. So he finally said he had an idea and to just play along with him when he started it. Do you know that we both got boners while we were talking? I told you about a feel I get in my belly and dick when I think about doing stuff. I had that feel as we were talking. I was thinking about them and what we would do. My dick got hard and seemed to stay hard and when Billy and I were walking to their house it was super hard. Billys was that way to. When we got to their house and their mom had left, we told them we would take them swimming and Billy said for them to change their cloths. We went into their room with them and they started changing. Their names are Brandon and Brian. Brandon is the oldest. He came out 3 min before his brother. They have red hair and green eyes. They have some freckles on their faces by their nose. They are REAL cute and are hard to tell apart. Brandon has bigger ears than Brian and I can tell them that way. He has a brown spot on his butt cheek to but nobody would know that unless they were naked. Just when they got down to their underpants, Billy said did they ever play doctor? It was SO cool! It surprised them and they looked at each other and you could see that they did. They were shy and then he said that he and me did it when we felt like it so they did not have to be scared to say if they did. He said to me if I felt like doing it. I said I did. He asked them again and they said that they did once or twice. Did they want to do it now? They said what did they have to do and we told them that we would all get naked and touch each other and it would feel good. I said that I bet they were to little and would be scared to get to get naked. They said no that they would if we would. Billy and I took our clothes off down to our underpants and we each took one. I got Brian. I rubbed my hands over his front and back and then down over his butt and down his legs. Billy was watching me and doing the same thing to Brandon. After we did that I had him do it to me. Then we all rubbed all over each others bare chests and stomachs. I put my hands down the back of Brian's underpants and rubbed his butt and then had him do it to me. After he rubbed my butt I put my hands back inside his underpants and rubbed over his dick. His dick was hard when I first touched it. Billy was doing the same with Brandon. Their hard dinks were pushing out the front of their underpants like little poles! It was SO cool when they rubbed our dicks the first time! We still had our underpants on and the front of Billy and mine were all pushed out to. Then it came time I was waiting for. I pulled Brian's underpants down and saw his dick sticking out. It was so cute!!! They are not very long about 2.5-3" maybe and not to big around but they are only 9 so that is why. Billy and I stood up and had them pull our underpants down. You should have seen their eyes when they saw our boners. It was RAD!! They were the biggest they ever saw. I said did they want to play with them and they said yes and did. It was tickley cause they were touching my dick so soft at first. We asked them if they ever jacked off. They did not even know what that was. We told them and then we had them rub us. We rubbed them to and felt their balls. Know what? Brian only has one ball!! His other one is still up in side him. He said both of them were up there but one of them finally came down and the doctor said the other one would to but if it did not he would have to have an operation. Did you know that about balls? That they are up inside boys before they are born? I didn't and it's interesting. Anyway we had them jerk us and we rubbed them and tried to get them to cum. We tried for a long time but could not get them to get any feeling. They jerked us until we came and THAT was a big surprise to them when they felt our dicks jump and move and cum shot out. It was super cool and I kept asking them if they was having fun and liked it and they said yes. We rubbed around on each other and had them show us what they do when they are alone. They just mostly rubbed each others dick a little and their balls. It was cool watching them doing it to each other. It made my squirmy feeling real strong and my dick got extra hard. We had them rub their dick heads together. God that was cool to see. They said Billy and me should do it to so we did and then we did it with them. I was sitting on their bed and Brian was between my legs. He had my dick in one hand and his in his other hand and rubbed our two hard dick heads together. Then I did it with Brandon the same way. It made me cum AGAIN!! It was AWESOME!! After about 1/2 hour Billy said did they ever take a shower with each other. They never did but used to take a bath when they were little. We said it was fun so we all got in their shower. God it was so cool! We got each other all soapy and slippery and rubbed all over. I got right behind Brandon and pushed my dick into his butt crack. Not in his hole but just in his cheeks. I wanted him to bend over so I could push my dick up his butt but I did not say so. We had them hug each other and rub their dicks together and we did it with them to. Then Billy said did they ever suck each others dicks. They never thought to do that. He said it was cool and to watch and he got on his knees and sucked mine. When he got done I did his. We said did they want to try it and they could not decide. I said it was fun and did they want us to suck them and they said YES! Their dicks were so hard! We sucked them both and then told them to suck each other so they could try it. They did! That made my squirmy feeling really jump! Then we said to suck us and they did it! It was so cool! After that we got dressed and we told them that the stuff they had learned was just about us guys and not for any body else to know. They said they would not tell and that it was fun to do that stuff. I think they had a good time. I did and Billy to. When their mom got home we left. We never did go swimming that day. Geez it was such a cool time. I felt so good and my stomach and dick had that squirmy feeling. I have it now when I am telling you what happened. My dick is hard as a rock to. I think it's about time to stop and jerk off. Well I hope you liked my experience. I didn't bore you did I? . I have GOT to go and do homework! I really got long winded tonight. To be continued in part 2 If you have any comments, feel free to E-mail me at ryanscott@mail.com