Written by Mark The Goodpen
By now I'm sure you know the drill, so I won't bore you with another disclaimer to ignore.
Thank you to everyone who has e-mailed their feedback on this story. You're e-mails let me know I should keep the Sierra Inn in business.
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After being hung up on by Julie, I start to think that maybe I've made a mistake. Maybe, making her angry wasn't the smartest thing to do. Sure she doesn't carry any weight as far as CPS or the court is concerned, but I still do not know what she is capable of. The last thing I want to have happen is to have my temper put Brian in danger. Still I don't care what Julie said, I am going to adopt Brian and there is nothing she can do about it. She has absolutely nothing on me, and the amendments I have promised to make to my work schedule have been enough to even satisfy Doris. I still can't figure out what Julie is exactly hoping to accomplish. If she has been fired from CPS, it seems to me that it shouldn't make any difference to her whether or not I adopt Brian.
As the week drags on, Brian, thanks to the anti-biotic recovers enough by Thursday to go back to school. I spend Wednesday worrying about Julie in secret, having decided not to tell Mr. Quincy about our little conversation. I figure the only one who would have their reputation damaged would be me. Matt once again covers for me at the motel, but does not seem quite as annoyed when I ask him to do so.
Thursday morning when I get to the Sierra Inn after dropping Brian off at school, I am immediately met by Laura who looks none too happy.
"Kevin, we need to talk!" Laura proclaims as I pass by the front desk on the way back to my office.
"Good morning to you too," I say with a smile.
"I can't work with him," she says, as she follows me back to my office. "He's a total idiot!"
"Hey watch it. That's my friend you're talking about," I say, a little angrily.
"I don't care," Laura says, the anger coming through in her own voice. "He doesn't have a clue! And when I asked him to call you for help he said he didn't want to bother you."
"What did he need help with?" I ask, deciding to ignore Laura's first statement.
"About twenty different things," Laura says, quickly. "And not once was he willing to ask for help. Kevin, I know I agreed to give him a chance, but I don't know if I can do it."
"Laura, I'm sorry," I say. "But the only reason you've been here the same time as him without me being here is because first Juan was sick and you covered for him, then Brian got sick so Matt covered for me. But if everyone washes their hands you will only have to deal with him when I am here. That way he'll be limited in the mistakes he can make. And either way I'll make sure he understands if he doesn't know how to do or handle something to call me, no matter what. Okay?"
"I guess," Laura says. "But make sure you do talk to him."
"Scouts honor," I say, raising my right hand.
After logging on to the computer, I find myself having to clean up the book keeping mess Matt apparently has created the past two days. While I'm not happy about it, I understand he's new, and I figure I'll just come in on Saturday and show him what he needs to do. That is until I remember my promise to Doris. I can't come into work on Saturday.
"Well five minutes won't hurt," I tell myself as I continue to fix the books.
I am so busy during the day, fixing Matt's mistakes and trying to catch up on the work that was left for my I forget to eat lunch. And if it wasn't for Laura reminding me I would have worked right through the time I need to leave to pick up Brian from school. After Laura's warning I'd be late if I didn't leave soon I dart out the door and drive my car ten miles per hour faster than I should to the school. I park the car just as the dismissal bell rings. I stand behind the car and patiently wait for Brian to come out. Finally I see him, come walking out of the building a smile crossing his face when he sees me.
"Hey kiddo," I say, as he reaches the car. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," he says, as he gives me a hug.
"Good," I say giving him a squeeze before he wiggles free of my arms. "I need to go back to the Sierra Inn, to finish some stuff is that okay?" I ask him as we get into the car.
"Yeah, can I get my skateboard first though?" Brian asks.
"Well, how about while we're at the motel you do your homework," I say. "I don't know if you should be boarding in the cold right after being sick."
"But Ethan can still come over tomorrow right?" Brian asks, reminding me of his sleepover that I had totally forgotten about.
"Absolutely," I say anyway as I back out of the parking space.
"Cool," Brian says.
When we get back to the motel Brian sits down at the table in the break room to do his homework and I dart back to my office to pick up where I left off. I sink back into my work and time once again ceases to exist. That is until Brian comes into the office.
"Dad," he says, getting my attention. "Can we go now? I'm bored and it's dinnertime."
"It is?" I ask before looking down at the clock and noticing it's nearly six o'clock. "I'm sorry angel, I lost track of time. Let's get home," I say quickly, saving my spread sheet before shutting down the computer.
On the way home we stop at McDonalds drive thru. I quickly feel myself slipping back into old bad habits. It's like I'm a drug addict and the Sierra Inn is my crack. I know I have to right the ship, one slip up is fine but if I keep letting this happen there is a chance Doris will find out and start trying to get me to sell the motel again.
When we get home we eat our fast food dinner at the breakfast bar silently, and I give Brian his antibiotic before retiring to the couch for another evening of watching television. Brian, who is still under the affect of a mild antibiotic immediately, lies down, resting his head on my lap as we watch television. I gently rub his shoulder and by the next time I look down at him he is fast asleep. I begin to wonder how much he will be able to enjoy his sleepover with Ethan tomorrow, but I'm sure he'll find a way.
Brian being under the weather the past few days has forced us into a state of abstaining, which has given me the chance to think. Everything seemed to progress so fast, while I would get the occasional pangs of guilt they were quickly over come by my love for Brian and my little friend south of the boarder. But now, that I have had the time to take a step back I find myself not being able to get rid of those feelings of guilt. To the point I promise myself not to let anything sexual happen again with Brian. I don't want him looking back in ten or fifteen years and thinking I took advantage of him. I don't want him to put me in the same category as all of the guys he came across on the street. I know I've told him I'm different, I know he's said he understands, but I can't help but think somewhere down the road society is going to get in the way. He is going to become convinced I was only using him for my own sexual enjoyment just like the men on the street did. Even though I am watching the television with my eyes, my mind is racing with thoughts of guilt, and embarrassment for not being able to control my desires.
There has been a nagging thought in my brain, over the last couple of weeks, that I try to dismiss but don't know how much longer I can do so. I keep thinking that maybe, the only reason Brian seems so eager to have sex is that he feels he has to. That maybe he thinks, if he doesn't do it I'll kick him out. I know he stopped me last week when I tried to take things to the next level, and we have talked about the fact that he does not have to do anything he does not want to. But the thought keeps popping into my brain anyway. I want Brian to have sex with me, as a way of showing his love, not because he feels like he has to do it to keep a roof over his head. I have been rationalizing everything with the thought that it is all out of love. And while I've asked Brian the question before the nagging thought that there is something else going on keeps invading my brain.
I look down at Brian, his hands folded under his head as he sleeps on my lap. His long eyelashes pressed together, his mouth open slightly, his now even longer hair brushed off to the side also resting on my lap. He looks so peaceful, so innocent. I have been amazed, since the first time I saw him sleeping how absolutely child-like he looks asleep. I guess that I should not be surprised after all he is only three months short of his twelfth birthday. Seeing him, sleeping like he is, only makes me feel more guilty and next thing I know I feel tears running down my cheek.
"I'm so sorry, angel" I whisper gently into Brian's ear.
My whisper isn't low enough as soon Brian is awake, now lying on his back, his face staring right up into mine. I want to hide my face so he won't see my tears, but there is no where to hide. He wipes the sleep out of his eyes with the back of his right hand, a look of confusion coming to his face when his eyes focus enough to see that I am crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks, sadness coming through in his voice.
"Sad movie," I lie, quickly as I point to the television. Brian turns his head to look at the T.V.
"That's Will and Grace," he says, turning back to look at me, after quickly seeing right through my cover. "Why were you crying?"
Seeing as there is very little, if anything I can hide from Brian, he seems to have a read on me nobody before him has been able to get. I decide to tell Brian the truth, what I have been thinking the past couple of days, my guilt, all of it.
"Brian, I'm sorry because I feel like I've taken advantage of you," I say, choking back tears. "You honored me so much by giving me your trust, which I know was hard for you. And I betrayed your trust."
The look on Brian's face quickly reminds me I'm talking to an eleven year old, as his look is one of utter confusion. I stop talking for a second to think about how to re-phrase what I want to say so Brian will be able to understand.
"I took advantage of your trust," I say, trying to clarify myself. "The sex stuff we did, I shouldn't have done that to you, it was very wrong of me, and I am truly, truly sorry. I don't want you to look back at this time in your life, when you get to be older, and look at me the same way you look at those men that took advantage of you on the streets."
"But you said you love me," Brian says, a look of hurt coming to his face.
"Angel, I do love you," I say quickly. "I love you more than I thought it would be possible to love someone. But I'm not sure, when you grow up, what you'll remember. If you'll remember that I love you, or that I was just another guy in the line that had sex with you."
"I'll remember that you loved me," Brian says, quickly. "None of the guys on the street ever said they loved me. They wouldn't talk to me at all. You saved me from them, I know I'll remember that."
"Well I hope you do," I say. "I'm just worried is all. You see, I've never felt this way about anybody and, well it's weird to me to have the first time I do be for a boy. That's not because of you, it's just because if other people knew what we did, I would be in a lot of trouble."
"I know," Brian says. "But I'll never say anything, I promise."
"I know you won't," I say, a small smile coming to my face. "I wasn't worried about that. But I am worried that you're doing sex stuff with me because you feel you have to. And that is the last thing I want."
"You told me I don't have to," Brian says, his eyes still locked into mine. "I want to do it."
"Good," I say.
"So can we still do sex stuff?" Brian asks, his eyes looking right into mine.
The appropriate thing for me to say, no, my brain is telling me to say no. But my heart is telling me, that I love Brian more than anyone I have ever met. I have never been in love, I have not allowed myself that opportunity until Brian came along and I suddenly fell in love without even wanting to. I have always been one to follow my brain more than my heart. But exactly where has that gotten me? I'm almost twenty eight years old, and up until Brian showed up on the front curb of the Sierra Inn, the only long term relationship I ever had was with my motel. Continuing to follow my brain was going to put me on the fast track to growing old alone. On the other hand my heart is telling me to screw everybody else. Sure, the way Brian and I show our love for each other might be deemed wrong by most, but he obviously is not being hurt by it. So for the first time in my life I decide to follow my heart instead of my brain.
"We can angel," I say, finally answering Brian's question. "But only if you really want to."
"I do," he says, his eyes still locked on mine. "Wait here," here says, before rolling off the couch. "Don't come into the bedroom until I tell you to k?" he asks, now standing in front of me, while I am still sitting on the couch.
"Brian what are you doing?" I ask, but it's too late as he has already darted down the hall.
"It's a surprise!" I hear him yell from the bedroom.
Not wanting to ruin his little game, whatever it is, I stay on the couch but shut the television off. I guess trust should be a two way street, so I relax on the couch trusting that Brian is not doing anything that he or I would regret.
"You can come in now," Brian yells, after only a couple of minutes have passed.
I slowly get up off the couch and make my way down the hall, and when I turn into the bedroom I am absolutely shocked by what I see. Brian is naked, laying in the middle of the bed on his stomach, a pillow placed under his groin so that his butt is elevated. I stand in the doorway, seemingly frozen with shock which only grows more when I see the tube of leftover lube from my days of frequenting a gay bar downtown, is open and sitting on the night stand. I had forgotten that I kept the tube in my nightstand drawer but somehow Brian had found it.
After what happened just a week ago, I thought that this element of sex was off limits. And while I want to be as close to Brian as humanly possible I am satisfied with the way things have been. Remembering his reaction to my trying to take things to the "next level" I can't help but question the reasons for him suddenly, and out of no where changing his mind.
"Angel, what are you doing?" I ask, maybe to make sure I'm not misinterpreting the situation. Which I think only a total idiot could do.
"I want to show you I love you," he says, propping himself up with his hands and turning his head back to look at me.
I start to wonder if Brian has some mind reading capability, as I never questioned his love for me. I did not want to take the risk of hurting him by doing that. Yet it is like he read what was going through my mind on the couch only a few minutes ago. Hearing the words come out of his mouth, and seeing what he is now willing to do to show that he means exactly what he is saying clears my mind of any doubts, at least for the moment.
"I know you love me, angel," I say, as I start taking off my clothes. "I love you too," I say, as my last article of clothing hits the floor.
I kneel on the foot of the bed, slowly walk on my knees until I am straddling Brian's prone body. I lean forward, resting my weight on my hands which are placed on the bed on either side of Brian's shoulders. Slowly my face reaches down and I begin to kiss the side of Brian's neck. I hear him gasp a little as I move my mouth to his ear and let the tip of my tongue dance inside. After a couple of minutes I slowly withdraw my tongue from Brian's ear and gently start kissing my way down his back. I let my tongue play over Brian's spine as I go lower, and lower. When I reach the small of his back I sit up on my knees. Looking down at Brian's butt I can quickly tell that he has not put any lube there, I guess leaving me to do that job.
Wanting to give him a surprise of my own, I gently start messaging the white pillow like flesh of his butt cheeks with my hands before separating them. When I see his hole winking back at me, I let go of one cheek and reach over with my left hand to grab the tube of lube from the night stand. I put a big glob of lube on my right index finger, before letting the tube fall to the bed next to Brian's leg. Slowly with my left hand I pull one of Brian's butt cheeks gently back to once again reveal his winking hole. At that exact second something, I don't know what, makes me look up to Brian's face. I see he is gripping the sheet on the bed so tightly with both hands all of his knuckles are a ghostly white. His eyes are closed but there are tears running down his cheek.
He is willing to put himself through all of this just for me. If there was still any doubt of his feelings for me after what he said, they have all been cured. I gently get off the bed, grab a tissue from the box sitting on the night stand and wipe the lube off my finger. After my finger is clean I grab the tube of lube, close it and dump it back in its drawer. I get back on the bed this time laying next to Brian, who still has his eyes closed, resting my face mere inches from his I gently cup his cheek in my hand.
"I love you angel," I say, softly as I look into his face prompting him to open his eyes a questioning look covering his face. "Thank you, but we don't need to do that to prove we love each other," I say in a whisper.
"We don't?" Brian asks, with a small sniffle.
"No," I say, still just barely above a whisper. "Angel, I love you no matter what, and if you want to put your clothes on and never let me see you naked ever again I'll still love you. You never, ever have to do anything to prove you love me. Because I know you do."
"I do," he says. "But I thought, you needed..."
"I only need one thing," I interrupt. "The only thing I need is you in my life. Then I'll be happy."
"You mean I make you happy even when we don't do sex stuff?" Brian asks.
"Absolutely," I say, quickly. "Angel, I've never been as happy as I am with you around. I never thought anything like this could even happen to me, but now that it has I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"I love you, Dad," Brian says, a small smile coming to his face.
"I love you too, angel," I say, with a smile of my own. "How about you get off that pillow? You don't look very comfortable."
Brian nods, and as I sit up Brian lifts up onto his knees so I can pull the pillow out. On my way back down I pull the covers up and over us, before lying down and taking Brian into my arms. Slowly Brian reaches his face to mine, and gives me a kiss on the lips before resting his head on my chest. We lay silently for a while before both falling asleep.
The sound of the alarm clock jolts me awake all too soon. I give it hard smack to shut it up, as I feel Brian, who still has his head on my chest, squirm against me.
"Come on, angel. It's time to wake up," I say, giving him a gentle squeeze.
Today is Brian's big day as tonight Ethan will be sleeping over. For me it comes with some sadness as it means I will be spending the night alone in bed. I expect Brian to be more excited than he is as we get ready for the day and have breakfast. He seems happy, just not as excited as I would have thought he would be. No mention is made of what happened last night and I don't think there needs to be. After eating breakfast we head out the door, I drop Brian off at school. Brian leaves his skateboard and helmet in the trunk of my car so he will have them this afternoon when Ethan comes to the motel.
When I get to the Sierra Inn, Matt is there. I spend the morning re-explaining my record keeping to him and he seems to get a grasp on it. I spend the afternoon in room 214 with a plumber trying to figure out exactly what we can do to keep the toilet from getting backed up, short of replacing it. By the time I leave to pick up Brian and Ethan from school, I have placed an order for a new toilet for room 214.
I park the car in my usual spot at the school, just as the bell is ringing and I wait leaning against the trunk for Brian and Ethan to come out. After a few minutes I see Brian walking next to the blonde headed boy I had met briefly at the skate park.
"Hey guys," I say as the two of them approach the car.
"Hi Dad!" Brian says happily, opting not to give me a hug in front of his friend.
"Hi Mr. Wasdin," Ethan says.
"Call me Kevin," I say, with a smile. "Ethan do you need to stop at your house for anything?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says, nodding his head.
"Okay, just tell me how to get there," I say before we get into the car.
Ethan gives me perfect instructions to his house from the back seat. His house was apparently part of the revitalization they have been attempting in the area. The two story house sits on a quiet residential street, you would never guess that less than a two miles from here drug deals are made on a regular basis. Ethan runs into the house to get his stuff, leaving Brian and I in the car.
"I'm sorry I didn't hug you," Brian says, taking me by surprise.
"Don't worry about it," I say, with a smile.
After only a couple of minutes Ethan comes back out from the house, Jennifer following close behind. Taking a deep breath I slowly get out of the car.
"Hi, Kevin," she greets me as I walk around the front of the car to the sidewalk where she is standing. "Thank you so much for letting Ethan stay over tonight."
"It's my pleasure," I say.
"Well Brian, is more than welcome to stay over here, if you and your wife ever need a night to yourselves," she says.
"Thank you," I say, thinking that I feel no need to re-connect with my right hand. "I really appreciate that."
"My husband and I were thinking that maybe tomorrow you guys could come over for a barbeque," she says. "Since you'll be dropping Ethan off anyway, you can just stay for dinner. This way we can all meet each other. What is your wife's name?"
To Be Continued...
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Chapter 18 Coming Soon!!!