Date: Sun, 9 Jul 2000 09:17:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: bardiel13@yahoo.com
Subject: steven and the turners 23

This story contains descriptions of sexual acts between young men.
Although the characters are young teenagers, It doesn't mean the author
endorses or approves sexual liaisons between underage teens or young
men. The following story is just a fantasy. None of this stories are
based on any fact known to the author. If you are not of legal age to
read this, you should leave now. If you do not like stories about
homosexual sex and relationships, you should leave now. If you are of
legal age and like this kind of stories, then keep reading and feel free
to send feedback. bardiel13@yahoo.com.

Important: The story doesn't take place in the US, so don't be surprised
by different seasons and such. The story is copyright 2000 by "Bardiel".
If you copy the story, please leave the credits, and the email address:
bardiel13@yahoo.com. Keep in mind this is my first attempt.

Foreword: As I said in previous chapters, I have a surprise for all of
you. I have written a special chapter that you can only get as a reply to
your mails. I want to know how many of you are out there, so you don't
even have to say a word. For every mail I get, I will forward you the
special chapter. Special thanks to Tray, Verp, Alone, Phil, Travel ,and
some others I might have forgotten, for sticking with me from the very
beginning.

Chapter 23: Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Never in my life have I hated myself as I did right then. It had been a
whole month since that night when everything went wrong. I got away with
my "illness" the first week of classes, but then I had to go back to
work. Why did I hate myself so much? Well, let me see: I freaked out
because I turned twenty, which was only an excuse for the lack of
direction I found in my life, which at the same time was an excuse for
how uneasy I felt because everything was going just perfect for the first
time, which is also an excuse for being afraid. Plain and simple.

But those aren't the real reasons why I hated myself so much. The real
reason was because I still hadn't talked to Sean. Because I had been
going to his house for three weeks without saying a word to him. At one
time, I amazed myself with my ability to separate work from my life, but
now it was just disgusting. It's not like I haven't seen him, far from
it. He would come into the studio every class to look for something, and
as soon as I saw it was him, I lowered my head or looked away. I just
couldn't face him. I was afraid of looking into his eyes and seeing all
the hurt and pain I had caused him. I was afraid he would look at me with
total contempt. Bottom line, I was afraid. Nothing new about that, right?

Wrong, because I wasn't afraid of facing him and talking to him. That's
the only thing I wanted. But I didn't know where to start or what to say.
How do you face the man you love after telling him so many hideous
things?

That's not true either. I was still afraid. Afraid of one word. Of a
simple yet ominous word. NO. I feared that word like no other thing in my
life. The fear of being rejected, that he wouldn't want me back. That it
was over and there was nothing I could do about it. That it was my fault.
But now I know different. It was selfishness. I was afraid of being hurt.

Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Sounds weird, right? But it couldn't be more accurate. That was it. The
whole reason for my "break down" or whatever you want to call it. What is
it? It's about this little animals with the spiky hair. It goes something
like this: Even though a hedgehog may want to become close to another
hedgehog, the closer they get, the more they injure each other.

The way I figure it, people are like that too. Even though we want to be
close to someone, we are afraid of being hurt in the process. Some people
can overcome it easier than others, for some, the consequences are just
too big. And for someone like me, having something that great, suddenly
meant that loosing it would feel a hundred times worse than anything
else.

Ironic, isn't it?

We want something, and yet we push it away. And at the same time, even
though we know that we will be hurt, sometimes we just can't help it.
Right? I guess that's why it all happened. Why I pushed him away and why
I am so afraid to talk to him.

Pain. It sucks, but the great thing about pain and fear, comes from
overcoming it. If you can overcome it, that is. I had been trying for a
month, but wasn't quite there yet. I still needed a simple push. I asked
Jay for help, and Mike, but they said that even though they wanted to
help me, they thought that I had to deal with this on my own. It hurt
when they said that, but then it made sense. After a lot of thinking, I
realized they were right. I had to get over this on my own.

The last month had taught me a lot of things. After all, that was the
only thing I did during the whole month. Think. Think about all that I
wanted, all that I missed, all that I would never have, and all the time
wishing that Sean wasn't one of those last. I had been hurting like never
before. I missed the most important thing in my life, and knowing that I
pushed him away only made me feel more depressed.

And yet, there I was, ringing the bell at Sean's house for another day of
work. I acted as normal as possible during the whole class. And I hated
myself for that. For being able to disguise my hurt and pretend like
nothing was wrong, when in reality, I was a million miles away, wishing
that I could find the way to finally talk to him.

As I sat there with Martin, helping him with some exercises, Sean walked
into the studio. He didn't even look at me or said anything, just like he
had done every time he walked into the room after that night. I fell
immediately silent and looked down to the table we were working on. Sean
looked for something in one of the drawers and left. I kept silent for a
few more seconds. I felt so bad. Bad doesn't even begin to describe how I
felt, but let's leave it at bad.

"Are you alright?" Martin asked, looking at me as I came back from that
horrible place I was.

"I need a glass of water, can you get me one, please?" I asked him.

"Sure. I'll be right back" he said.

As he left the room, I took a deep breath. I wanted to leave right then,
but I couldn't. I wanted to talk to Sean, but I couldn't. I needed help.
I needed someone to tell me what to do. I begged for something to happen.
For someone to show me what to do. I wished I could turn back time, just
like I did everyday since that day, only to come back to reality and
realize that what's done is done.

"Please, somebody help me. I want to do it, but I don't know how" I
whispered as I sank a little lower on the chair.

"Here you are" Martin told me as he handed me a glass of cold water.
"What's wrong?" He asked as he sat back down.

"Nothing. I'm ok" Nobody would have bought it, even if they didn't know
me.

"Come on. You can tell me. I can keep a secret."

"It's ok. I'll be fine"

"It's about Sean, right?"

Of course it was. It was the only thing on my mind. But the fact that he
could tell only made it worse. How could he help me? No one could.

"What happened? Did you have a fight?"

"It's too complicated. Let's get back to work"

"Come one. Did you have a fight?"

"Something like that."

"But you'll be ok, right? You still love each other"

"It's not that simple, Martin. I wish it was"

"I think it is that simple. You have been together for some time, and you
love each other. You just have to work it out."

"Sometimes it's a little more complicated than that."

"Why? If you love him and he loves you, why don't you get over whatever
it is and move on? I don't see what's so complicated. Did he tell you he
doesn't want to talk? He can be a real asshole sometimes"

"No, nothing like that. You are simplifying it a lot, it's not that easy
or simple"

"I think it is. You should tell him that you love him. What are you
waiting for? It can't be that bad."

"I hope you're right" I whispered. I truly hoped he was right.

I told him that everything was going to be alright and made him go back
to work. He would give me an odd look every once in a while, but he
didn't say anything else. As he continued with his homework, I continued
to think about what he had told me. Could it be that simple? Is that all
I have to do? Just tell him that I love him? But what if he doesn't want
to talk to me? It's amazing how everybody seems to think it's so easy.
That I shouldn't be feeling like that, that I should just go and talk to
him. And I wanted to, I wanted to tell him how sorry I was and how much
he meant to me, but I just couldn't get it over with. And each day that
passed made me feel even worse, because I knew I was prolonging the
sorrow in both our hearts.

Martin finished just in time. Johnny didn't have homework so I decided to
finish for the day. I was in no mood to stay even if he had needed my
help. I was gathering my papers and stuff when I heard someone come in.
It was Sarah. She came to the table we were both sitting on and stood
between us. She had a serious look on her face and she was looking right
at me.

"What is it now?" I thought to myself.

"Steven, can I have a moment with you?" She sounded serious and it wasn't
helping my state of mind.

"Sure," Was all I could say. "How can I help you?"

"Give me a second. Martin, can you get me a glass of coke or something?
Do you want anything, Steven?"

"No, thanks" I was beginning to feel weird about the whole thing.

She sat down on the couch and motioned me to sit in the armchair across
from her. Martin came back quickly and gave the glass of coke to his
mother.

"Why don't you go upstairs and have a shower, dear, and tell Johnny and
Mike to get ready. We are going to the mall for dinner and a movie."

"Awesome!" Martin exclaimed.

"Could you shut the door after you leave. I need to have a word with
Steven, in private"

Obviously, she didn't want any of the other boys to interrupt her while
she was talking to me, but why? What could be so important? As soon as
Martin left the room, she took a sip of her coke and placed it on the
coffee table. She looked away from me, like she was deep in thought and
we both stayed silent for a brief moment. I didn't know what she was
going to say or what to expect. I felt very uncomfortable in her presence
for the first time in more than two years.

"How is Sean doing at school?" She asked me.

"Well... I'm not sure"

"He hasn't been coming down for classes, has he?"

"Not really... no" Great. Just what I needed!

"He hasn't been feeling well lately. I'm starting to get worried. As soon
as he comes back from school, he locks himself in his room and doesn't
talk to anyone. At dinner he just eats quickly and as soon as he's
finished, he goes back to his room. He doesn't want to talk to us, and
there seems to be no way we can help him. It's so unlike him. He's always
been a lively boy, so sweet. It breaks my heart to see him like that and
not being able to help him. to help him feel better."

"What does she mean by all this?" I thought to myself once again.

"You have been so good to my children. You have become so much more than
just a teacher, and the boys look up to you. You have helped them in so
many ways, and you didn't have to. I will always appreciate what you've
done for me and my family. I..." She trailed off. "I don't know exactly
what happened, and I don't think I will ever want to know, but you are
the only one that can talk to him right now. You are the only one who can
make my boy feel better. I never knew. I never imagined this could happen
to us."

"OH GOD!!! SHE KNOWS!!" I screamed in my mind. I was shocked out of my
mind. How did this happen? Why now?" How...?" Escaped my mouth because I
even realized I was said it.

"Oh, please, I'm not blind, you know? I didn't want to admit it at first,
but who would? What mother could admit something like this so easily? But
eventually, it was too obvious to keep dismissing it. Especially right
now. I've seen the way he looks at you and the way you look back at him.
I remember that day when you came to our house at St. Clem's. The way he
kept looking at you, they way he acted before you got there and the way
he acted right after you left. I couldn't admit it right then. Then when
we came back, the way you looked at each other right before you left. I
still wouldn't admit it, I wanted to be wrong so much. And then, right
after your birthday... I can't bare to look at him like this. I can see
the pain in his eyes, in the way he acts. This changes so many things..."
She drank a little coke once again. I was too shocked to say anything.
Did she hate me? Was she going to tell her husband? Were they going to
kill me? I was going to loose my job! A million things came to mind, not
one of them good.

The silence was driving me mad. I couldn't stop wondering what was going
to happen. Why was she telling me this?

"He is upstairs right now. Alone in his room. He hasn't gone out or had
friends over in a whole month. And I still find it hard to deal with.
I... I... This is not easy." She said as she stood up and started walking
around the room. "I've been asking myself this question a million times
in the last week. Two questions, actually. One of them is pointless now.
I trust you. I've trusted you my children for two years, and I don't know
how this started and I don't think I will ever want to know, but there
comes the other question. The answer to that one is that all I want for
my son is for him to be happy. And he isn't right now, and it kills me. I
want him to be happy, and I realize that you are the only one that can do
that. It's the first time in my life I feel so helpless. I have so many
things to think about, so many things to consider. I don't really know
what it is all about, not really. I have so many questions, but I don't
think that I will ever have the courage to ask them. I wanted to blame
you, to hate you, but I couldn't. Still can't. I know you in some sort of
way. I've seen with my children, and the bottom line is I trust you.
That's why I'm here talking to you. That's why nothing has changed or
will change. That's why I'm asking for your help"

"..." I tried to say something, but the words didn't come out. This was
completely unexpected and it was too big to handle. There was nothing I
could say.

"I'll be leaving with the boys. All I'm asking is that you talk to him.
All I want is to see him happy again. I've never seen him so happy, you
know? This is really hard. I trust you as their tutor,as their friend and
as an adult. I don't think I will ever feel comfortable with this. The
truth is, I don't approve, not really. But I just keep remembering the
way he looks at you. I realize that you are what he wants, and that I
can't really stop either of you. There are ways, but neither worth the
pain it will cause him or you for that matter. I'm not giving you my
blessing or anything like it. But I'm willing to try to understand. You
have become more than what you started out to be in this family and I'm
thankful for that and that's why I will keep quiet about this. It might
sound horrible, but I will forget this conversation ever took place. I
don't want to acknowledge this yet, but I'm not stopping you. Either of
you."

"I don't know what to say" My voice sounded haggard and my mouth was dry.

"It's better if you say nothing. I don't think that there's anything that
you can say that will help this matter right now. He is so young..." She
trailed off once again. "I only want to see him happy again, whatever it
takes" She walked to the door and was a bout to leave, and without
turning around, she asked "I know he... loves you. Do you love him?"

"More than life itself" I said softly but with more conviction and
resolve than ever before.

"Then make him happy again. That's all I ask. This doesn't change
anything. I still want you around and I still trust you, as a tutor and
as a friend of this family. But nothing else."

"Fair enough."

"I'm sorry for this, I truly am. But I can't deal with this any other
way. I don't want to see you too close to each other in my presence.
Please, let me deal with this in my own. I don't care what you do on your
own, I won't stop you, I just want to see him happy.He's in his room,
please talk to him"

With that, she left the room and I heard her call the boys from the
bottom of the stairs. I stayed right were I was, trying to understand
exactly what was going on. What she said and why she said it. It was too
much to digest right away and I would probably end up analyzing it for a
long time. She knew about us, not everything, but that there was an "us".
I'm sure it must have been really hard for her, and I was trying to
understand why she didn't hate me. I'm not sure how I would feel in her
place. It was the biggest unexpected event in my life, and it raised a
lot of questions, but they would have to wait. I was more determined than
ever to talk to Sean and make things right again. That's if he was
willing to hear me out, of course. I drank the rest of the water I had
left and as soon as I heard the boys leaving, I made my way upstairs. I
kept thinking about Sarah and the fact that she knew. The fact that she
didn't want me out of her house and out of her life. But with every step
I took, those problems were becoming distant memories. My main concern
now was Sean.

Hedgehog's Dilemma.

Had I finally overcome my fear? Some of it. Enough of it. Was I still
afraid of getting hurt? Yes, very much. But now the "Yes" mattered more
than the "No". I was going to talk to him and ask for his forgiveness. I
was going to get close to him no matter how much it hurt. Because, in the
end, hedgehog's do reproduce, don't they? Loving someone is worth the
pain, right?

I stood outside his door and all I had to do was to knock. I realized I
was holding my breath as I raised my hand. All that needed to be done was
to knock.

"Just knock" I told myself.

"Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock.
Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock.
Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock.
Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. Just knock. "

I took a deep breath...

_______________________

Cliffhangers are back!! Will he knock on the door? Will Sean talk to him?
What will happen? Don't forget, there is a special chapter that you can
only get as a reply to your mails. I want to know how many of you are out
there, so you don't have to say anything. For every mail I get, I will
send you a copy of that chapter. Write to: bardiel13@yahoo.com