This story contains descriptions of sexual acts between young men. Although the characters are young teenagers, It doesn't mean the author endorses or approves sexual liaisons between underage teens or young men. The following story is just a fantasy. None of these stories are based on any fact known to the author. If you are not of legal age to read this, you should leave now. If you do not like stories about homosexual sex and relationships, you should leave now. If you are of span class=GramE>legal age and like this kind of stories, then keep reading and feel free to send feedback. firstname.lastname@example.org.
Important: The story doesn't take place in the
by different seasons and such. The story is copyright 2000 by "Bardiel".
If you copy the story, please leave the credits, and the email address:
email@example.com. Keep in mind this is my first attempt.
Well, it's really been a long time, hasn't it?
Over three years since my last post. It all started when my computer got fried three times in a whole month. All of them while writing this chapter, at just about the same part of the story. Since then, I have lost everything related to the story, as well as everything else on my computer. I have even lost the special chapter I sent out, and that really pissed me off (If anyone out there has a copy, I would be incredibly grateful, not to mention consider myself so lucky). Other than that, I have been really busy with work, promotions and such, and it became rather difficult to get into the right frame of mind to keep going with this. Thankfully, I have found the inspiration to keep going and give you the conclusion to this series. This is by no means the end. I have many ideas for this group of young men, and I hope to continue them, but I will not make any promises as to when that will happen. Now, I don't want to bother you any more with my words, go ahead and read this, and I hope you enjoy it. As always, feedback will be much appreciated.
Chapter 34: Countdown
Our first weekend on our own proved to be full of surprises. Nothing bad, just filled with interesting little facts we learned, or at least I did. Things you can never expect to prevent or solve until you've lived through them. Take our little and now stupid rules for example. We figured they'd be necessary at the time, but "live and learn" was to be a phrase repeated quite often in those first few weeks. The first thing we learned was that knocking on a closed door, when we all know why it is closed, is beyond stupid, not to mention uncomfortable.
The closed door, although never mentioned, could only mean one thing; that thing being sex. So imagine you are in the middle of it and somebody knocks on your door. What are you supposed to do? Stop doing whatever it is you're doing? Stop a hot 69 long enough to answer the door and see what the people outside want? Not a chance. And imagine how it feels after you knock on the door, and a minute later a very angry voice asks you "What the fuck do you want?". Well, Jay was asked just that around that first Saturday.
Very friendly, I know. So that was changed right away. Closed doors are closed for a reason, and they should be left like that. So we decided that if one of the doors was closed, you were supposed to walk right by and pretend you didn't know what was going on behind it. Real healthy, right?
Second thing we learned, happened around a half hour after Jay knocked. You think no one can tell what you were up to behind closed doors when you leave? Well, think again. If what you were doing was the same Sean and I were, try going out of your room and then try coming back in. It smells of sex, and anyone can guess what was going on there. So that's how we learned that the room needs to be aired right after you're done with your fun. That was the source of two very red faces, since Jay would never pass up on the chance of making some remark about it.
The third thing I learnt, and probably the funniest of all, happened right after dinner. We were chatting amicably as we moved to the sofa to watch a movie. Then, for some reason or another, one of the younger guys (I'm not sure which one), started fooling around with one of the cushions. The moment he aimed it at somebody else, chaos ensued. Barely a minute later, it was a free for all cushion fight around the apartment. Then came the team-ups. At first it was Jay and Sean against us the older guys, then it was one couple against the other, until Mike was betrayed and it was everyone against him. We ended up on Mike's bed, laughing like 10 year olds; and it felt great. I learnt the pleasure of letting yourself go for a while and allowing yourself to be as goofy and childish as you want. It was liberating and funny as hell. Probably stupid for some, but I'll never be afraid to try it no matter how old I get.
Sunday was a special day for me. Only 6 days away from our first anniversary, and still looking for a gift. Jay had promised to help me look for it, but getting rid of Sean was no easy task. After convincing them that I had a few things left to pick up back at my mother's place and that Jay would come with me to look for a few clothes himself, Mike and Sean were left behind by means of the "Turner-Free Day" excuse.
We set off to the mall, 300 plus stores filled with everything anyone could need. My only hope was that among everything they had, I would be able to find what I was looking for. Through the whole trip, I kept stealing glances at Jay. The thing we had witnessed the day before with Sean after our shower had not been discussed, and I am not the kind of guy to say anything in front of other people. Unluckily for Jay, I do not feel that kind of compulsion when it's just the two of us.
There was this look to him, I wouldn't want to use the word "glow" `cause I hate saying that kind of things, but there sure was a brightness in his eyes and a completely genuine quality to his smile that quite surprised me. He is the kind of guy that always has some kind of grin on his face, but this was different. I know all his smiles: the "grinning like and idiot smile `cause I won an argument", the "I have nothing better to do but I will stand right here looking at you with a smile on my face" and the ever annoying one "why do you look at me like that when you know I'm just smiling for no reason". Yeah, so many smiles, and never a frown on his face, although I know the smiles that cover for it, too. But this smile, it was a new one, a God-honest smile that simply said: "Everything is as it should be". I knew it wouldn't take me long to find out the whole story once he gave me the chance.
"So, here we are," Jay said, "Now, what are we looking for?" My companion for the day asked as his eyes darted around the different stores.
"I'll know it when I see it." I answered.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means I'll know it when I see it."
"You mean you have no idea what we're looking for? What about the ring? I thought you were going to get him the ring!"
"Sigh... that was the idea until one of my friends I hadn't seen in some time started asking about mine."
"So?" Simply asked, but heavy to answer and think about.
"Well, I got away with the fake girlfriend story, it's not like he'll be around to want to meet her or something, but I figured it wouldn't be that easy for Sean."
"Why not? He could come up with something."
"What would you say if you got an engagement ring? What would your classmates say?"
"I don't know, but I could come up with something. Maybe he could wear it around his neck or something." He offered.
"That's just it. I don't want him to be making up excuses for it, and once I give it to him, I don't want him to hide it, you know?" I sighed, "This would be so much easier if he was a girl."
"I don't think we would be in the middle of this if he was a girl, would we?" He mocked me.
"I know, but I could just buy some jewelry or perfume and be done with it. But what are my options now?"
"Well, you could get him some clothes"
"I mean good clothes"
"Still meaningless for an anniversary"
"Yeah, right! He doesn't read if it's not online."
"He read the books for Literature this year"
"Read them to him"
"If YOU buy it!"
"There's no pleasing you, is there?"
"You've never tried" I said licking and biting my lower lip.
"Yeah, right. Just what we both need." He laughed. "So, I guess browsing it is, right?"
"Browsing it is." Then, I went for it, being as obvious as I could. "I have an idea of something interesting we can do in the meantime"
"Interesting how?" He said, looking at me suspiciously, "You're up to something, so just come out and say it"
"I have nothing to say. How about you? Any good stories to share?" And he looked away, trying to hide the fact he was blushing.
"God, I should know better. I walked right into it, didn't I?" He said still blushing.
"You sure as hell did. Now start spilling!"
"There's nothing to tell, really."
"Do I have to beg?" I said with my best puppy eyes, but he tried to pretend I wasn't getting to him. "Pretty please?"
"Oh, stop that! Let's take a sit or something."
It was amazing, I guess, sitting there, listening to him as he told me what had happened, watching his face light up with every memory that rushed through his mind. He told me about Mike, about that night and how he felt. Just looking at him like that felt amazing, so I can only imagine what he was filling right then. I knew how long he had waited to hear it, and I couldn't be happier for him. He was in love and his feelings were returned. Not that he didn't know how Mike felt, I think we all knew, but I know how those words feel, especially when the person saying them really means them. It's amazing how powerful those words can be when you really mean them and how happy you can make someone just by saying them. Sometimes we take them for granted and forget that even if it's implied or understood, it doesn't hurt to say them more often. And Jay was there. In that place we all hope to be. That place where there's nothing else but the one you love and everything looks perfect. And he had that smile.
"You know what?" I asked him.
"What?" He asked, still smiling.
"It's nice to see that smile on you."
"That really honest smile you don't show as often as the others. It's good to see you this happy."
"Thanks" He said, looking rather bashful. And that is one thing you don't really associate with him.
"You know what else?" I asked with an impish tone.
"To tell you the truth, I'm rather jealous. One of this days, I'm gonna have to do something about it."
"Stop teasing me. I didn't tell you so you could make fun of me!" He admonished.
"I'm not teasing you. One of this days, I think I just may kiss you!"
"What?! Are you nuts? Why would you do that?"
"Just because. Some day, I'm gonna do it and then I'll always remember it. You mean a hell of a lot to me, and I think that kissing you once would mean a lot to me. And I'm not jerking your chain or anything of that sort. I'm not talking about making out with you, but make no mistake, one day I'm going to kiss you just to show you how much I care. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how seeing you like this makes me happy. I kinda think of you as my little brother and I hope you know I'll always be there whenever you need me." It was my turn to blush. How come it is so hard to be upfront with someone about your feelings that you always end up blushing?
I meant each and every word I said. I have had this connection with Jay ever since we got to know each other. He reminds me of myself in a lot of ways. We have a lot of things in common, things we've shared only with each other, and it has made us very close. And the idea of kissing him just once felt right to me. I have never kissed anyone but Sean, and I wasn't planning on it. But sharing just one kiss with Jay seemed like the perfect way to seal this unspoken bond between us.
"I know you care," He told me rather solemnly. "And don't be surprised if when you go for it, I kiss you back." He added with a shy smile.
"Deal... little bro."
"Deal, big bro!"
That nickname was never repeated in front of anyone else. It's the way we sometimes call each other when there's no one around. I have a younger brother, but no relationship with him. He has an older brother, but no relationship there either. We found in each other something I guess we both had been looking for. I know what many people might think about the kiss, and I'm not about to tell you how or when that happened. But I did it, because it felt right to do it.
We spent the rest of the day looking for the perfect gift, stopping only for lunch, where Jay spent most of it trying to convince me that one guy was checking me out. That is one of the things I can only do either when I'm with just him or just Mike. Even turning back to check out my alleged fan would always drive Sean crazy.
Of course, as is usual with Jay, topics just seem to jump from one to the other and back again. Ever since the previous evening, Jay had set his mind on finding out what I had been doing behind closed doors for a whole day. Again, a topic I can only share with him.
"So, you want me to believe that you spent all day long locked in your room with Sean and even when the room smelled like it did, and believe me, it did, you didn't do anything?" He interrogated me.
"Nothing, honest. We just spent the day in bed."
"My point exactly! Doing what is what I'd like to know. `Cause you didn't even come out for lunch."
"I know!" I said dreamily.
"So, you're into daytime sex marathons now?"
"I told you already, we weren't doing it. Just holding each other and kissing."
"That must've been a pretty heavy make-out session."
"Well, sometimes it got really intense."
"Well, you know I'm really into kissing, right?"
"Well, it got THAT good and... sometimes, when it's that intense, I..." I could see shock registering on his face as he processed what I was implying.
"NO WAY!" He shouted just a little bit too loud.
"Yep, sometimes, it happens." Had I confessed that to anyone else (not that I think I could), I would have stayed blushing for a week. But again, I didn't feel even the least bit self-conscious talking to him.
"Just from kissing?"
"Not just kissing, but mainly, yeah!"
"Holy Shit! I can't believe you just said that."
"Well, you've been bugging me about it all day, so now you know."
"Wow, that good, huh? He chuckled.
"Oh yeah!" I laughed.
So, after our little briefing, we set on a quest to find that special thing that would be perfect. Believe me, Lara Croft has it easy. About four hours later I found what I was looking for. It was perfect for the occasion. Jay could have killed me right then and there, since we had checked it out like three or four times and always moved on to something else. But that last time, I knew that there was a reason why I kept coming back to it. So, present in hand, we made our way back to pick up the fake clothes and stuff our boyfriends were expecting to see. And that is how day number two of one of the most amazing weeks in my life went through.
Nothing really interesting or worth mentioning happened until Tuesday. It was around 7:30 in the evening and I was going back home. And thinking of the flat as home felt great. Even paying the bills, something which I always hated, gave me that comfy feeling. Going back home after work, and that home being just a few blocks away was really something, too. Just a ten minute walk to almost every one of my student's houses instead of the half hour bus drive. Most of the kids I tutor from Sean's school leave nearby so there was no need to spend money on buses anymore. And thinking about that, I thought I'd check up on the ones who lived closest to it.
I hadn't spent a lot of time with either Martin or Johnny since I started working on the apartment, and with those two that could mean they had already been kicked out of school. So, on my way back from dropping one of the boys from the group I had just tutored, I decided to pay them a visit and see how everything was going and make sure they would spend some time with me the following day.
Just crossing the street to get there, guess who I saw coming back from rugby practice? None other than Sean, walking home in his rugby kit, looking rather dirty and, I know I'll sound somewhat desperate, incredibly sexy. He didn't even notice me as I walked towards him. I so wanted to grab him and give him a kiss right there in the middle of the street, and realizing I could not do it felt awful. I really wanted to be able to surprise him right there with a kiss or at least be able to take his hand in mine and walk the few feet left to his house like that.
"Hi sexy!" I told him when we are a couple of feet away, startling him for a second.
"Hi! What are you doing here?" He asked with a smile that got me right in the mood again.
"Just came back from dropping the Jenkins kid home and was about to go check on your brothers."
"Cool. Will you stay for a while? I just need to take a shower and then we can hang out or something."
"Or something sounds good to me." I said, again feeling the need to reach out and touch him. "You think your mother's at work?" "Is it getting hotter?" I asked myself.
"Wow, this is a nice surprise. Someone's in a good mood!" He said with a twinkle in his eyes.
"Am I the only one in the mood?"
"What are you offering?" He said as he started walking backwards towards his house.
"You're getting cold" I said as I followed him.
"Not really." He teased. "Science, then."
"Nope, but getting warmer."
"Getting hotter by the minute."
"I can see that!" He told me looking down at my crotch as we reached his house. "Wanna come up?"
"I can't promise I won't try anything funny if I do."
"I don't have a problem with that" He said reaching for the door, and that was the moment I chose to press myself against his back. He titled his head back to look at me and then he actually moaned a little. "Race you to my room!" He said, regaining some composure.
"I'll give you a head-start. I so love to see you walking ahead of me."
"What's wrong with us today?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Me neither. Let's talk about it later."
And as soon as the door was closed, we both took off for his room. Once safe inside his room, and having closed the door, it took us hardly two seconds to be on each other's arms. We were kissing with such passion that it seemed like we hadn't done it in months. It had only been two days since the last time we had been together, and there we were, about to rip our clothes off.
"I'll be back in a sec" He told me, braking our kiss. "I just need to take a quick shower"
"No, no shower, you're staying just as you are." I said, already breathing hard. "OK, when did I become the kinky lover? I'm not like this at all, am I?" I asked myself.
"You mean filthy?"
"You're not filthy, just a little dirty and just a few grass stains here and there. And besides, it's really doing it for me, don't ask me why." I said as I resumed our kissing. "You ok with that?"
"You can check that out for yourself if you want to" He lowered my hand to his hardened cock.
Five minutes before, I was walking home, not even thinking about sex. Now, I was locked in a deep, passionate kiss with my boyfriend, grinding our bodies together and moaning like we were in heat. How did that happen? Was this my reaction to what he was wearing? That could not be it. I've seen him like that before many times and never really cared. Especially to this degree. So what was happening right then?
I massaged his cock through his rugby shorts in an obscene way. I suppose I was being kind of rough but Sean didn't seem to mind. My lips searched for his and the moment our tongues touched I let out a moan. I could feel his left hand riding up my leg, getting closer and closer to my butt. His other hand, meanwhile, was busy rubbing my cock through the denim of my jeans, making me leak precum profusely. I'm not sure I was aware of anything else but the parts of our bodies that were making contact at the time. It was a kind of arousal I have no explanation for, but it was dominating me in a way I had never felt before. I didn't care about taking my clothes of, I could feel how close I was and judging by his moans how close he was, too. We were both on the floor, Sean on his back and I was straddling him. Rubbing each other for all we were worth. We kept kissing throughout it all, but we were getting wilder and our kisses were sloppier. I could feel spit all around my mouth and even my chin. That did it, I came, so suddenly it took my breath away. At the same time, I kinda clamped my hand harder around his cock, and the next thing I know, his back is arching away from the floor and his cock was spasming in my hand.
I almost fell on top of him, only my leg and arm remained on him, as I lay there panting for breath. How long, or better yet, how little had it taken us? What the hell had just happened? I was still too far out of it in my post-orgasm high, and by the lack of comments coming from my partner, I knew he wasn't ready to talk either. Still breathing hard, I suddenly had like this mental flash and I lost it. I started laughing out loud. I felt Sean rolling on his side before I looked up at his face. His hair was wet on the front and plastered to his forehead. His face was flushed with sexual exertion and his lips looked moist and inviting. Who am I to resist that? I went ahead and kissed him with force. That calmed me down a bit, but not my breathing.
"What the hell did just happen?" He asked, still breathing rather heavily, and looking towards the ceiling.
"I sure as hell don't know, but it was royally good. Complaints?"
"No... no complaints" He said. "I sure wasn't planning on this, and I guarantee that I never expected it to go off like that, and just by hand if you know what I mean, but HELL NO, I'm not complaining!"
"You think we are kinda sex obsessed? Are we doing it too much? I mean, like all we do is that?"
"No Way! I still think we're doing it too little!" He chuckled. "No, but seriously, why do you ask?"
"Jay thinks so, he thinks we spend too much time alone in bed."
"Screw him, he's the one with sex on his head, it's not all we do when we stay in bed. Let him think what he wants!" He proclaimed. "Now kiss me some more before I have to go clean this mess and get a shower."
"Oh, the sacrifices I must do to make you happy!" I laughed before kissing him. "Mind if I have a go at the bathroom first? There is a certain mess in my pants this cute guy left me with and I need some tissue to clean it up a little."
"A cute guy did that, huh? Tell you what, go on ahead, but be quick, my own mess is getting cold and sticky and it will feel uncomfortable in a few. But if you see the cute guy who did that to you on your way, send him over, I still might want another go." He said, brimming with pride at his clever remark.
"Slut." I said after giving him a quick kiss.
"Perv." He answered back.
Later that night, as I walked back to the flat, I could not help but laugh a little. It's just that looking back at the whole thing seemed a little weird for me. I mean, I never thought of myself as the kind of guy who does that. Let me clarify that: I always thought the kind of guys who went over to someone for sex in such a way and me were in two completely different universes. I would have never pictured myself as the kind of guy who would be getting lucky on a regular basis, the kind of guy who gets "the girl" if you know what I mean. And yet, I got "the boy", I have sex on a regular basis, and it seems I could start a wild session of hot, steamy sex without anybody's help. Who would have figured? Was I becoming one of those guys I lusted after all through high school? Me, the virgin at 19, who only got a boyfriend because he came after me, the shy guy? That was it. I had like this image of myself now so completely different to the guy I considered myself to be. It just seemed too funny to think of myself in that way.
Days went by, well, actually just a couple to be accurate. Even though I had intended to go to Sean's house on Tuesday to check on his brothers, I never actually did that, hehe. So, having finished my last class for the day, I went over to check on the youngest Turners. It was around 7 p.m. when I got there, and quite surprised that only Martin was there. The moment he saw me, he gave me a tight hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. Nothing unusual about that, since almost everyone in Buenos Aires says "Hi" to everybody else with a kiss on the chick. It's not like we kiss anybody we meet like that, but we do to those we are close to. The thing is, if you ask me, it's more like a bumping of the cheeks and a smooching sound, and that's all right. But Martin has never said "Hi" to me like tat, not since the day he met me. He always presses his lips right in the middle of my cheek. And lately, his lips seemed to be quite moist. At first I attributed this fact to him being a kid, and I knew many young boys who gave you a peck on the cheek like that. But he never changed. It worried me for some time, until we finally settled our situation.
Even after that, and all the time that had passed, he insisted he would never get over me and that someday I would realize what I had let go. Almost gave me a heart attack the first time he said it, now I know it's just Martin being Martin and that he'll never change. Weird dynamics between us; I don't think I'll ever be able to put a name to our relationship. It's more than friendship and at the same time there is more respect than that. All I know is he has a bad case of hero-worship and just thinking about it used to make me blush like crazy. He worships me! How funny is that. But I grew to love him deeply for it, especially for all the trust he put in me. I realized fairly early that he had acquired me as a sort of mentor into the gay world. I could never convince him that as far as the gay world went, I knew only Sean.
That's the other thing with Martin. He knows about Sean and me, but not about Mike and Jay. The day he figured it out, I had already realized that he might be gay. I promised him that day that I would never tell anyone his secret, and so far, it is the only secret I have kept from Sean. Through the months since we came to our understanding, I've had to put up with quite a few things. Sexual topics being my least favorite. It's like he expects me to explain to him every little factoid he discovers about gay sex. At first I was very reluctant to do so, that is until I realized that he had no other source for that kind of knowledge. I couldn't refuse him, not after I remembered how hard it was for me growing up, feeling the way I do about guys, and not being able to say anything about it. I would have killed to know if it was ok for a guy to touch another guy in certain places, or if we, being gay, were supposed to kiss in a different way or something. So, that is how I became Martin's Encyclopedia of Gay Sex.
Trust me, I knew I was not the only source. Part of the questions that came my way were because of pictures he got from the net. No videos, he always lamented, since he couldn't leave a file downloading on the family computer. At least I taught him how to hide files so no one would know he had them. Although he offered, I always refused to see the pics. I wouldn't have felt comfortable and besides, I wanted everything we discussed to be strictly theoretical.
So, that is how I was received every time we met, and that is how he did it that one day. Getting him to bring his school bag was not easy, since, as you should know, he has mastered the art whining. He does it to perfection, I assure you. It took him, as always, around five or six minutes to bring his bag from the front hall (less than 20 ft from where I was sitting).
"Please, please, please, I'm begging, not today, it's Friday." Martin pleaded with the inescapable logic I remembered so well from not long before.
"Come on Tin, let's just check your stuff and see what you got, it's been too long since the last time." Tin, my nick for him. But only I can call him that and he's proud of that.
"I promise there is nothing you have to see, please, let's do something else." He begged.
"If you say there is nothing for me to see, then I have to check."
"I didn't mean it that way. I swear I have no homework or anything that needs to be done right away, you can trust me!" He crossed his heart.
"Ok, I'll trust you, but I will check your things some other day, and you know I'll never trust you again if I find out you lied. You sure there's nothing to do?" He thought he'd use the trust strategy against me, like I don't know how to turn it back the way it came.
"I so swear it! Please, let's just talk, it's been like forever since the last time we had a chance to talk." Ha, forever, he almost cracked me up.
"Two weeks, Tin. Not quite forever."
"Sure felt like it, but I understand. I mean nothing, I know." He feigned hurt. "Go back to your wife, I'll bother you no more." Trust me, he is as good as he sounds.
"Ok, enough, you win. What do you want to talk about?"
"Well, now that you mention it..." I feared for what was about to come out of his mouth. "I have a few questions."
"Crap!" I said aloud. "What is it this time? And you know the rules, keep it quiet." More questions I wasn't even sure I had answers for. And worst of all, the vague answers I had given him at first were not enough for him anymore. He had been thirsting for more accurate and detailed explanations, and I was afraid of a few of them.
"Ok. When you and Sean..."
"OH MY GOD DON'T EVEN GO THERE!" I felt this cold shiver run down my spine the moment his words hit my ears. "NEVER EVER ASK ABOUT WHAT I DO WITH HIM!" I lowered my voice after that, not that I wasn't still shaken. "Why would you even wanna know? Doesn't it bother you to think about that? About sex and your brother? ("Like it happens to your brother Mike." I thought)
"No, why should it? I may not want to say it out loud, but he is a hot dude and we already know you do it for me," the little shit raised his eyebrows teasingly as he said the last part, "so I see nothing wrong with the fact that two hot dudes do it, even if one of them is my brother."
"You, Mr., do scare me sometimes." I confessed.
"Why? It's not like I was going to ask for specific details of what you two do, although it would be hot and funny at the same time to hear what my brother does in bed." Then, the 13yo proceeded to grope his obviously erect cock. As much as I would have said something for that, I preferred not to acknowledge the fact that I had seen it.
"What we do in bed, is private; make a "for instance" or something like that... it's kinda' creepy."
"Wow, you blush easily, Stevie. But ok, sorry, I didn't want to upset you like that. Ok, so when two guys, you know, are like a couple," he stammered, "how do you know who does what?" I must have looked puzzled at his question, so he continued, "What I mean is, does one of them always do the fucking, like always a top or a bottom?"
I believe I simply sat there, looking at him, completely at a loss for words. I mean, I knew what he was talking about, and said like that it sounds simple enough, something I never even wondered myself. But, he had never been there, so the logistics would be more daunting than anything else. So how do you explain everything that goes on when you decide to do it? Sean and I never really defined ourselves as either top or bottom. We never plan who is going to go where, it just simply happens. I realized then that among everything Sean and I had, we had great sexual chemistry, we clicked in bed just like everywhere else. So how do you explain that to a 13yo boy with hardly any experience?
"Well, yes and no, I suppose," I mumbled, and I believe it was at that time when I stopped looking at him as just a little boy, "everyone is different, every guy likes different things, in bed just like any other time. Some guys are more "oral" in nature and prefer cuddling and kissing, some prefer fucking, some guys prefer being the top only, others the bottom only, and other guys are versatile. Are you following?"
"Versatile? What's with that?" He seemed to be paying close attention and that led me to believe that this was not just simply sexual oriented curiosity.
"Versatile as in sometimes he likes being the top, sometimes the bottom. Personally, I don't really believe in just the one thing for anyone, especially if you are in a relationship. I don't think a guy always wants one thing, and it's very natural for a couple to explore different things until they understand what it is they like better. But that doesn't mean that a guy won't prefer one thing above all others and be comfortable with that. It's like any other thing, in time you learn what you like best, and when there is more than a guy involved, you just have to learn what you both like together. Am I making sense?"
"Yeah..." He seemed hesitant.
"Is there something else you wanted to know? Remember, I am here to help you any time, right?"
"Right. So, how do I know? I mean how do I know which one I am?" There was a tone of urgency in his voice that told me he had been giving this a lot of thought.
"Tin," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "there is no rush, same as there is no way to know until you try. In time, you will know, but there's nothing to worry about. Whichever, it'll still be you, nothing you decide to do in that way will change you. Is that the matter? Why the sudden interest?"
"I don't know, I guess just curious. I mean, you know how far I've gone and I simply started to wonder about the rest and what would happen when it happens. I was kinda thinking that if you get fucked once you are set like that." He looked about to burst right then. I could have laughed at his conclusion so easily, but I loved the little guy in a way different than any other. I only wanted to comfort him right then and somehow to make him feel... safe?
"Listen to me, come here and give me a hug first." He did, gently this time, without the unbridled eagerness he normally displays. "You are just thirteen, I understand all the curiosity and anxiousness you are feeling, and I know that ever since Eric you are desperate to do it again, but you must slow down. Don't let this feeling get out of control, everything will happen the way it should. I can't promise you a boyfriend by tomorrow, but I know you will find one. And when you do, you'll learn with each other. And after that, you can always come to me and I will help you in any way I can, even if it is just by listening. Believe me, I know you want everything right now, that waiting is like dying slowly to you, but I also know there is a part of your head that still works and that it understands what I'm saying. Check with it often before you go with whatever "sex" wants right away. Sex may come tomorrow or not, Tin, but it will happen eventually, and you will discover new things, but don't worry about things that you don't have to. Whatever you discover you are, will be ok, always, to everyone who loves you. You won't change, you'll always be my Tin to me so stop worrying about stuff like that. I know I sometimes say too many things but in the end I never know if they made sense or if they helped. So please, come talk to me if you need to, for whatever reason. I just hope I did help you in some way." The hug became tighter right then and although I tried to pull away just a little to check on his face and see how he felt, he wouldn't let go.
After a few minutes of me rubbing the back of his head and hair, he finally released me and looked into my eyes. I could see his eyes were slightly red and the streaks of dried tears down his face. Had I heard him cry I would have lost it, too.
"You mean everything to me, Stevie. You are the best thing that has happened to me in all my life. Thank you so much." He hugged me again before he was finished. We stayed like that for a couple of more minutes, before he let go and kissed me on the cheek. "Thank you, for everything always."
He excused himself a few minutes later, saying he needed to shower. Not before I reminded him that my door was always open and just a few blocks away if he ever needed to talk. It was dark by the time I left, it was just after I briefly thought about going to pick up Mike, but I dismissed the thought. I felt pretty tired and emotional after my chat with Martin. And strangely, there was a sense of peace there, too. Looking back now to everything that happened with Martin, I can't help but wonder how different things could have gone. At a time, he was the only person capable of single-handedly obliterating my relationship with Sean and making all our lives a living hell. He never did though, and as I thought about it that night, I realized the only reason he never did, was because he truly loved me. The unconditional love of a boy, with no flaws, no pretenses.
I admit he made me uncomfortable with some of his questions, not to mention his flirtatious attitude towards me, but after that night, I had a newfound respect and love for my little Tin. The guy who put me up as his hero, and who I would never let down.
So there I was, Friday night, all alone in my room, one day away from my first anniversary. After my talk with Martin, I didn't feel like watching TV or doing anything else, so I went to my room and dropped on my bed. I grabbed the stereo's remote and put on some music. I'm the kind of guy who puts on the music that reflects his mood. When I'm down I don't go on and play something to perk me up, I prefer something that helps me stay in my mood and think about how I feel. That's the kind of guy I am, the one who wants to put his head in order and analyze whatever it is that's bothering him till he finds a way to solve it.
I know for a fact too, and I've been reminded of that quite a few times, that I sometimes think too much. Sometimes I get so focused on finding the solutions that I lose sight of everything else. That's how I sometimes get locked in my moods and that's how big of an asshole I can become. The last time it happened, was the day of my birthday. If I have to be honest, it had been brewing for some time, and I finally blew up that day. I had spent such a long time overanalyzing and looking for ways to overcome the obstacles that could rise in our path that I become the obstacle myself. To think it all started after my stay at their house. After a week of waking up close to him, it was unbearable to give it up.
The thought of going back to hiding, to meeting in secret again; it freaked me out. I mean, why should we? To have something so wonderful, and good, and true, then having to hide like criminals? Like we were hiding from our parents for a smoke, or for drugs. But that is the way it is for the gay youth, isn't it? To the majority what we do is not wonderful, and good and true; it is warped, perverted and sick. And that is how I started, I kept dwelling on it too much, looking at the bad side of things. I could have lost everything that day, I am very aware of that. But he never gave up on me. My Sean, the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep. The reason why I try to be better and the only one person I NEED to go on.
Never in my life would I have thought this was possible. I could never have asked or dreamt for someone as good as him. He may have been fifteen and I may be considered sick for loving him, but the moment I fell in love with him, I knew in my heart that I could not go on living without him. He is everything I have ever wanted or needed, and screw everyone that doesn't believe in our love. Not to mention that the fifteen year old became the rock to my twenty. He has always been so sure of us, and when things get tough, he is even more level headed than me. He never cared about the five year difference.
But you couldn't tell him there was a five year difference. He would always say four, even after I reminded him it was four and ten months. "For two months, it's just four, so four it is" he would tell me. I guess he did it for me, he must have realized that at some point I had trouble with the age thing. What am I saying? I'm sure he knew, because he knows me like no other. My boyfriend, my lover, my soul-mate, the guy whose ring I wore on my finger, anticipating the day when I would finally give him his.
And where was he that night? At a party with Jay, and very reluctant to be there, I'm sure. For the last two weeks, and for some time before that, we had spent every weekend together. Fridays mostly alone, and Saturdays hanging out with Mike and Jay. I felt it would be good for us to take the night off, so they could hang out with guys their age and be among their friends. The thing is, it wouldn't be our anniversary until around six o'clock, October the 4th, the following afternoon. As far as plans went, I had already suggested to Mike that being absent would be most welcome. Instead of starting our day together like any other Saturday, I was hoping to get together at that exact time. Call me romantic, but I wanted to see him right then, for our anniversary, and make it special in some way. Besides, we wouldn't have anyone around to make any kind of comments about our day.
And that is pretty much were my mind wandered to that night, as I listened to some music in my room. That is probably why I never heard Mike arrive, nor did I notice that he was standing right outside my open door.
"Westlife? You going Boy-Band on me now?" He asked with a smirk. Of course his sudden appearance made me jump.
"What?! Hey... sorry... hi, how was your day?" I stammered.
"Fine, but don't change the subject, what' s with the music?"
"Westlife? I burned this CD for my sister this afternoon, left it on the stereo to try it out, seemed to suit my mood, with the ballads and all." I sheepishly replied.
"I liked a few ones, but don't worry, I'm not turning into a teeny-bopper if that's what got you worried."
"I sure am relieved, was afraid I might wake up to Brittney one day!"
"No way, not even dead. Don't like her anyway."
"Mind if I join you in your bed? My feet are killing me!" He fell on his back on the bed as soon as he finished asking.
"Are you planning to take of your shoes? I would prefer you didn't, I'm trying to lead a healthy life, you know." I said with mock seriousness.
"My feet don't smell!" He objected.
"I certainly hope so, I didn't have time to open the window."
"Shut up, they don't smell, even after a whole day wearing them. I got held back at school and almost didn't make it to the store. That bitch Stewart kept me after class `cause she thought we were mocking her. I had to plead with her to let me go or I would be late for work." He began to explain as he dropped each shoe on the floor.
I was looking at him as I listened to his story, but my mind started wondering again. Here was Mike, my boyfriend's brother, my roommate and probably, my best friend. "How things can change in a year!" I realized. Yes, he was all of the above, but there was more to it, too. I mean, the Mike I got to know since I started tutoring his brothers was not the same one I was looking at. Had he changed so much? Was I completely wrong about what I had told him a couple of weeks before? Or was it something else?
The Mike of a year before was not what you would call responsible. Not with his studies, nor with his brothers. He was practically a party animal, a loud-mouthed boy whose only concern was the next party and telling you stories of his conquests. I know for a fact that most of them are not true, but there were a few. Opposite to the rest of us, and by that I mean Sean, Jay, and me, Mike is the only one who has been with a woman. Two in fact, and yes, I mean intimately.
Coming from an all boys school, he was expected to be all over the girls and for a long time he repressed his true feelings. Although he never said it openly, I believe that he is actually bisexual, although more towards the gay side (is there even a scale for that?). In his own words "something about guys does it more for me than chicks". He never told me what made him finally accept his feelings for guys and to be honest, I never even bothered to ask. The thing is he did and he made a certain boy extremely happy in time.
The one thing I really disliked about him when we first met was this whole attitude he had about "having it made". He believed that because his father got money and through certain connections, he had his whole life made for him and would never require any effort on his part. The moment I heard that, I truly disliked him. Even when I sat with him and openly discussed this "attitude" of his, he would never back down. He reminded me of so many jerks I knew from school. I mean, I went to a private school just as good as his, only co-ed, my family is well-off, but I never believed even for a second in that stupid idea that you had it made `cause your father has connections. But he was a likeable guy even with that stupid idea of him.
Then there was the whole scene the previous year when he wanted to have sex with me. Whatever I felt for him went down the drain that day. Then came the thing with Jay, and I simply couldn't believe this guy could be so fucked up in the head. It was so hard to believe, especially because at times during our classes and the breaks we took, there were glimpses of this truly cool guy I wanted to get to know. Then came St. Clem's. Excuse the language, but fuck if I wasn't surprised then! There was this completely different Mike, offering his help to me and Sean, being nicer to his brothers and supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend. I could see the guy I thought he was right in my face, but after all that had happened it was difficult to trust him. But he gained my trust, alright. He proved to be a good listener and a trusted friend.
Then it was the start of the school year, and Mike applied himself from the start. And that was it, he started doing good, not great, but quite. The Mike that didn't give a shit about school was gone, too. I think his parents were the most surprised, and the fact that we have this flat proves how he has earned their trust. Not yet out of high school and living on his own with me. A year ago he wasn't trusted to take care of his brothers on his own, and now here he is talking about his day at work on a store. The guy who had it made!
So, I wondered again? Was I wrong? People can change that much? I believe the look on my face revealed my lack of attention to the fact that he had worn his school shoes all day.
"Are you even listening to me? What are you thinking about?"
"Sorry, I just..." I gesticulated with my hands. "I was thinking of something else."
"What?" He asked maybe a little angry.
"Actually, I was thinking about you." I confessed.
"Me? What about me?" He asked surprised.
"To tell you the truth, about how much you've changed over the last year. I guess it proves I was wrong about what I said that night." I noticed a hint of sorrow in his eyes when I finished saying it.
"Actually, it proves you right. But not exactly. I've learned a lot since last year, especially to think a lot more about what's going on in my life, guess who from?"
"Certainly not me!"
"Right. Remember what you said that night? About how people don't really change? I think you are right. The way I see it, there are two sides to every person. The side you show to those around you, and your true side. One of them is for the benefit of others, the side that changes as it needs to in order to fit in. Then there's the side that is your true self, the one you are mostly afraid to show, and when you do, it is only to those you trust and love. As I said, I did a lot of thinking, and I realized that I had become too comfortable in my "fit in" side. After what happened last December, I found myself looking in the mirror and hating who I was. The guy I was around you and my family was the asshole from school. The one who didn't give a shit `cause my friends didn't, the one who behaved like an idiot `cause they all did. An what good had it gotten me? I had alienated my brothers, chased you away and hurt the only person who loved me for me. Trust me, it was not easy letting my true self show. But I wanted to win back your friendship, Jay's love, and even maybe, my brother. So you see, you were right, people don't change who they fundamentally are, but sometimes it is easier to show the side of yourself people want to see, even if you don't have it."
"I guess you are right. I mean, I can often tell when you are talking to the real person or the "face" he wears for the occasion."
"I can tell that too, and I don't much like people like that, now. The moment I realized this, I realized that I had classmates but no real friends at school. I mean, how can you spend five years with the same thirty guys and know nothing about them? And at the same time, none of them cared enough to find anything about me, either. Imagine if they were to find out about Jay! All of us trying to impress each other and be cool, and going out to parties, and none of us were honest about each other. The positive side of this, is that it helps you to realize who your true friends are and who really loves you. I'm glad I was able to finally be myself and that I have you guys who like me just the way I am. You have no idea how much it means to me."
"I feel the same way, too. And I am glad to be able to call you my friend, probably my one true friend. You know me, and accept me the way I am. My other friends, although I love them, don't know the real me, and sometimes I wonder how many would remain my friends if they knew. It's sad really."
"I know. Did I ever tell you my "friends" had a discussion of what they would do if they found out one of their friends was gay?" He asked.
"What did they say?" My curiosity was suddenly picked, I had heard such comments before, and maybe I'm stupid, but I always thought maybe it was someone's way for testing the waters, so to speak. But the things that came up always saddened me.
"You'd be surprised. Most of them said they would beat the friend up and never see him again. Others said the friendship would be over because it would then be a lie. Can you imagine? Because you are afraid of loosing them, you hide it, and then you are a liar and the friendship was never true."
"I've heard that one, it's probably the most painful of all the things I've heard. Some people can be so stupid. Especially when they think they are being good. The worst I've heard was the one this guy said in a party I went to. He said he would try to get his friend help so they can cure him. Like a disease, you know? He said that if the guy felt bad for being gay, he should be "straightened", so he wouldn't have to suffer. How sick is that? How do you make him understand that the only reason someone feels bad about being gay is not actually because he likes guys, but because no one will accept him for who he is? It's not even a matter of liking the fact that you're gay, it's who you are. I don't want to be "normal", I just want people to realize I'm not abnormal, you know?"
"I know, but what do they know? The truth is I'm happy with my life as it is. I'm happy with my family, you and my boyfriend. I honestly couldn't ask for more. The bottom line is, I'm glad I have you guys in my life and that I have a friend like you with whom I can talk about anything I want without being afraid of being judged. Do I get a hug now?" He said with a smile. He can always do that, lighten the mood I mean.
"You do. You certainly earned one." I said as I got up and walked into his arms. "And, sappy as it sounds, I want to say it. You are my best friend and I love you." There, I said it, without turning red or anything for being honest about my feelings.
"I love you, too. Thanks." He said before breaking the hug, and trying to avoid eye contact. I was doing the same myself. I guess we can be stupid like that sometimes. But it's nothing to feel ashamed of, we can all feel bashful after an emotional display, and it's ok. "I don't know how we got so philosophical all of a sudden, but I'm in the mood for doing something that doesn't require much gray matter or physical exertion What say we call for same pizza, it's late for cooking and I was hungry when I came in over an hour ago." He asked.
"I'm all for it if you get me some ice-cream with the pizza."
"Of course, I'm well aware of you and your penchant for ice-cream."
"Cool, while you take care of that, I'll check if there's any movie worth watching. Here or in the living-room?"
"Oh sure, be careful not to get too tired doing that." He laughed, " If you don't mind, I'd prefer your room, more cozy since it's just us here."
That's how I spent the night before my anniversary. With Mike, my roommate and best friend. The guy who opened up to me and hoped for acceptance and in return he accepted me and gave me his friendship. At the time, I didn't know why our conversation went in exactly that way, until I later learnt that he had given up his "Senior Year Student Trip" (*). Ever since he decided to take up his job, he knew he wouldn't be allowed to take two weeks off for the trip. When I questioned him about it, he told me he wouldn't really miss going, since he preferred to stay home with us rather than having to spend two weeks pretending around the rest of his classmates.
I guess that is what got him thinking about his friends, and after I learnt that, it got me thinking, too. I was getting tired of hiding the fact that I was in a relationship, of having to deal with a few set ups here and there, and having to pretend that I was all about "pussy". I knew I even had to host some kind of party for my friends to check out the flat. Of course, Sean would have to stay home, and I would have to pretend that it sure was a fine place to bring the chicks for a nice fucking.
How can the fact that you love another boy mean that you can loose your friends? I hate to think that they were never my real friends to begin with, like many would say. I guess I can understand that hiding your orientation from them can mean a lot to someone, but do we have a choice? Would they have become our friends and shared so many good times if they had known from the start? I couldn't help but wonder that, because at one time or another I wanted to come clean about my relationship with Sean. It would have to wait until he was over 18, I knew that, and he was worth whatever happened, but how much would it cost me?
But at least that night, I was very happy. I found myself thankful for everything that had happened during the previous year, and for all the people I had become close to, for I knew in my heart that they would remain by my side for a long time to come. I was grateful for Mike and his honesty and friendship; for Jay who I love like a brother and with whom I carry a very deep connection. For Martin, my little lusty imp, who has somehow managed to get a piece of my heart and keep it. And even for little Johnny, who likes me quite enough when I'm not trying to make him study. Over a year before, I thought I had made the greatest mistake of all by getting too close to this boys. Now, looking back, I don't know what would have been of me if I hadn't. So, for the Turners, I am thankful, because from them I got the greatest gift of all: love.
But most of all, for Sean, my soul-mate. The fifteen year old who swept me off my feet, and never let go. The smart, loving, honest and down-to-earth boy I fell in love with. It was going to be just one year since that first kiss and so many things had happened. I had no idea what the future might bring, but I knew that whatever it was, it would be ok, as long as I had Sean by my side. Whatever troubles we would have to face, we would do it together, and the following day, would be just the first of many years to come.
Call me stupid, or at least Mr. Stupid. I know that I've been that in the past, and as I sat on my bed that Saturday, I couldn't help but to think what a big one I was sometimes. The truth is I had all these expectations about our first anniversary that I was feeling kinda' hyper. But as for plans, I had none. I kept going back and forth trying to figure out what exactly I was supposed to do, but always came up with nothing.
Actually, I had no idea what else we were supposed to do besides being together and giving Sean a present. Besides, there were too many things we couldn't do, and that brought me down a bit. I mean, I couldn't take him out to dinner, unless we went to McDonald's or something, and I didn't want that. Many people would have thought so many things about us, and none of them pleasant.
Haven't you noticed how people feel all warm and happy when they see a young couple somewhere being affectionate with each other? How they smile and comment on how sweet they look and how lucky they are? Well, not me, except for thinking they were lucky, that is. If there was just one thing I wanted to do was to go out with Sean in my hand and let people look at us and see how happy he makes me, and how great we look together and how much we love each other. But, tough luck, neither of us was a girl, so we wouldn't have looked sweet to them.
So what other options did I have? Back to the present, at least for the part of the night that would be different from others. Because that was just the whole deal: I didn't want it to be just one more night since the moment we got together exactly a year before. I wanted to make it something special for him. I wanted him to remember that night like I remembered every moment I have spent with him. Because, as I realized right then, it was all about him.
The flood of memories started pouring out, and I could remember everything that we had done together. I remembered how he came to me with that lame excuse, wanting me to teach him how to dance. I remembered how his face inched closer to mine and how suddenly I felt like I couldn't breath. How I wanted what he was about to do and how much I needed him to do it. Looking back, I can't believe I fell for it, how I didn't find it stupid or obvious, because it seems that way now. But I was blind it seems, I have no other explanation.
I remembered the first time he stayed over, unbeknownst to anyone, and how I fell asleep with him in my arms. There was such a sense of rightness to it, I felt more at ease than ever before. When I woke up, feeling this weight on my chest, I had no idea what was going on, but the moment I opened my eyes and saw the top of his head on my upper chest and his arm around me I almost lost it for a second. I felt overwhelmed, my senses ready to burst, my mind running a thousand miles and hour, and yet, the one thing that became absolutely clear was that I loved him with everything I had.
As I traced my finger along his back and enjoyed the feeling of his smooth, unblemished skin, and as I felt his silky hair on my cheek and smelled his personal fragrance, I knew it. I disentangled him carefully, making sure he would not wake up, and helped him rest on his back. I softly brushed the hair from his forehead and just stopped there, looking at him. Every detail of his face was perfect to me, from his perfect lips and button nose to his smooth cheeks. I stayed like that for what seemed like forever, at least to me, and slowly I realized that I not only loved him, but that I had fallen completely in love with him.
The memories kept coming, and as I looked back over that year, I found nothing but happiness. And in the center of it all, I found him. My one true love. I knew it with such certainty that it seemed scary for the briefest microsecond. But that was the truth: the only thing missing that afternoon was him. No holding hands on the street or fancy dinners. No presents even; it was the night we were supposed to be together above all others, to remember that first moment when we first kissed and to remind each other how we feel and to pledge our love for the future. That is what an anniversary is supposed to be, a celebration of what two people have together, of their feelings and history together, and the promise of love for the years to come.
(You still think too much) That voice in my head admonished me. Surprisingly, it had started to sound a lot like Sean's. "But my heart is in the right place, you have to give me that!" I whispered to myself.
How many doubts had plagued me growing up, and how more confident I had become in one short year? It was a realization to me, to find myself in a position in my life I never really hoped to be. Well, I did hope actually, or dreamed to be more accurate. Growing up gay in a world that doesn't want to know you even exist, and that if you do you are simply too young to know what you feel, is hard on any boy or girl. And so I dreamed on, hoping for the day I could finally do something about my feelings. Hoping that the pain of not being able to have my first kiss, my first dance with a boy or even my first boyfriend like any other high-school straight kid, would fade away.
I wouldn't want anyone at all to have to grow up like that, because even if everything came out perfect for me, I know that is not always the case. Hope is the keyword, the light at the end of the tunnel for many guys like me. And as I clanged to my dreams of one day having what I now have I knew I would give my everything for it.
"A dream worth having, is a dream worth fighting for." I read somewhere, and it is so true. We can not make our dreams come true just by waiting for them to do so. If Sean hadn't tried it, I would have never known this feeling I can now no longer live without.
So we seem perfect and our relationship idyllic, in hindsight it might seem true, but just like any other couple, it takes a lot of work and there are many obstacles in the way you have to learn to live through. But if you want everything to be perfect, it is all up to you. If I didn't try everyday to make things work and to remind Sean of how much I love him and how much he means to me, who knows what would have happened to us?
And so I got up and went to the closet, ready to get dressed and wait for my love. Ready to prove to him how I feel, and to show him that I'm grateful he kissed me that day. And that I will always be there no matter what. Suddenly so full of purpose, I went to the bathroom for a shower, feeling great just about everything.