Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2014 10:10:11 +1100
From: Caleb Nathanial <calebnathanial@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Alpha Male and Me Chapter 8 Hypotheticals

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The Alpha Male and Me
Chapter 8 of 14: Hypotheticals


We sat in the dark of the car, along the side of the quiet road, silently
caressing and basking in the afterglow.  A long time was spent without
words, they were meaningless in this state.  I loved Mikaihail, my total
capacity, every part of me that was capable of feeling, was hopelessly in
love with the man who held me - Tightly - like I was the most precious
thing to him, and letting go of me was not possible.  He would never allow
me to move from his arms.

I knew what he was feeling, and there was no doubt how transparent my mind
was to him.  I wanted him to know what he meant to me, but I didn't need to
tell him; my touch said it all.  There could be no misunderstanding, it was
all too obvious. And so words had no place.

After a long vacation in the absolute tranquillity, he let out an unwilling
murmur.  He knew we needed to get back to our home, but he still did not
like having to break the complete feeling of connectedness.  I gently
caressed the side of his face, letting him know I understood.  He helped me
to my seat, a courtesy that was necessary given my current state.  After
his unstrained physical expression for me, I would not have been capable of
that without his help.

I clung to his arm as he drove, not letting our bodies separate.  He kept
his eyes on the road, but I knew without doubt that his attention never
left me.  He would not allow me a chance to drift away.

We made it back to the apartment building at a steady pace.  As he shut off
the engine, I didn't try to avoid his dominance by getting out before he
could open my door for me. One, because I wanted to give him the sense of
control and reliance he wanted, but also, because I wasn't sure I could
keep my footing in my current state without clinging to his side.

After we made it into the apartment, neither of us had really centred.
Mikaihail allowed me to lead him onto the balcony, by only with his arms
holding me firmly, not letting there be any degree of separation.  We
retired together on the day bed.  He lay, propping himself up, encircling
me with his big thick arm, creating an understood border for his cage of
freedom.  I sat up within his boundary, surrounded by him, my attention out
over the balcony, still caught in the spell induced by his performance in
the car.

Rain began to fall on the city below, glowing with artificial light.  I had
always liked the rain, there was something soothing about it.  I looked
onto the landscape, enjoying the scene, while his eyes stuck to me.

After a long time spent in silence, and the both of us coming out of our
trance to some extent, he spoke, "You're very quiet." His own appreciation
of the serenity was audible.

I took a moment to answer.  "So are you." I spoke, my eyes remaining
unmoved.

"I don't need words to enjoy you."  He ran his free hand down my side, the
other fast around me.

Another moment of silence.  "...Well, can't it be the same for me?"  I
questioned him, still only half paying attention to the conversation.

"...Yes...  I just want to make sure..."

I slowly glanced at him, moving my attention for the first time, not
knowing what was on his mind.  But only for a moment, before leaving his
gaze and returning my own out over the city.  "Sure of what?"

He continued to move his hand comfortingly.  "After tonight..."

It was then I could detect the concern in his soothing tone.  Something was
amiss in his mind.  His peace of mind was far more important than my
appreciation of the beautiful scene below; and this was something I could
give him... and I would give him everything I could.

I slowly turned and locked my gaze onto his.  I looked at him without any
pretence, so he could see I was alright, but let my calm stare inquire.

He took my hand in his and looked at them before coming back to my eyes.
"...A lot happened tonight and I don't want you agonising yourself into
insanity." He smiled, infantilising me, but there was genuine concern
behind his smile.

I gave out a single, soft chuckle.  "No... no insanity here." I reassured
him.  I took a breath, taking my turn to look at our intertwined hands.
"You'll never let me go."

"No."  He reflexively spoke, certainty in his tone.

I came back to his eyes.  "Then there's nothing to worry about."

In my mind it was quite the contrary.  Thinking about it, it became clear
how much tonight had meant.  If Mikaihail was right and, as I was no longer
going through a freak out, I could calmly agree that he probably was, then
my parents most likely hadn't figured it out.  And if that was true then I
could plainly see what Alice's next move would be.  And I was completely
certain I could use that.  There was no doubt in my mind, tonight had meant
I had solidified my life with Mikaihail, I was only waiting for everyone
else to realise it too.  In fact it gave me a great sense of
accomplishment, like I was holding up my end of the relationship to some
extent.

I cuddled into him, very contentedly.  "I love the rain."

"Why?"  He asked, like he expected some brilliant response.

But I had no idea why, "I don't know, I always have."  I took a second to
think.  Surely it couldn't be that hard to deduce.  "I can remember when I
was little and it would rain really heavily, I'd run into my room and get
under my doona."

He chuckled at the story, thinking of a younger me.

I kept analysing it.  "I guess it was a security thing... There was this
strong force of nature outside but I was completely safe inside the
watertight house, in my bed."  I laughed to myself.  "But now I have you
here too.  I'm pretty sure nothing can get to me with you watching over
me."  I smiled up at him.

He smiled back down at me.  "Nope."

I cuddled further into him, enjoying the moment.  As the rain poured I
thought over our situation.  Mikaihail was always so supportive and
steadfast in his pursuit of our life but I didn't really know a lot about
his perspective on our relationship.  He always had that self- assured,
contented smile, but I really didn't know if there was anything else behind
it.  I tried to think up a way to ask the questions I wanted without
offending him or making him think I was going insane.

"Want to play a game of hypotheticals?"

"What's that?" He spoke half-aware.  Clearly he was enjoying the moment
too.

"Well, I postulate an alternative reality and ask you what you think about
it."

"...Sure."  He didn't seem too enthused.  I supposed, based on what I knew
about him, he was not the type of person to respond to highly abstract
arguments.

"...Would you have preferred it if we hadn't met until I was 18?"  I asked
making sure I didn't sound vulnerable, but assured, like I could handle the
truthful answer.

But my tone didn't alleviate, to any extent, how his tensing body reacted
to the question.  He could now see why I had asked for the game.

"...Caleb."  He didn't seem to like my train of thought.

"It's okay, Mikaihail," I assured him while stroking my hand along his
shoulder, "I just want to get to know the guy I'm going to spend the rest
of my life with a little better."

He grunted in satisfaction at my words.  He took another moment before
answering, "No."  He responded assuredly.  "I spent too much of my life
without you, I would not want to have waited longer."  He laughed to
himself, "I would rather it happened sooner."

"...How much sooner?"  Mikaihail didn't seem to have a problem with my age,
but surely that had a limit.

"Let's not go down that road."  He laughed again. "My turn anyway."

"I didn't say anything about turns."

He grunts off the technicality "Well I just did."

I laugh at his unrelenting dominance.  "Fine."

He caresses me reassuringly before speaking.  "Would you rather if I were
younger?"

His question was clearly in response to mine, but it still took me off
guard.  I had never really thought about it, I had always seen my age as
the problem.

I tried to imagine a younger Mikaihail.  It was hard at first, so much of
his person was grounded in being a dependable paternal man, and that really
didn't fit if he were too much younger.  When I was finally able to think
about who Mikaihail would have been while he was in his twenties, I quickly
wanted to stop thinking about it.

I shook off the thoughts as I came back to him.  "No. Definitely not," I
said, with no small amount of certainty.

He grunted as he retreated from me to get a better look at my face.  The
expression on his clearly marking he was not expecting such a forceful
response. "Why?"  He spoke, still taken aback.

Thinking about it, I realised he probably... most likely, could have taken
my response offensively.  I composed myself, not wanting to let that kind
of emotion out.

"Because I fell in love with you, the person in front of me.  You're an
overly protective, fatherly guy." I smiled with a feeling of embarrassment,
voicing my emotions to him.  "The kind of man who has had his
wild... uninhibited years and now has had his masculinity solidify and no
longer cares about stupid, trivial things."  I knew I hadn't been able to
quite pin-point my feelings but that was as close as I could articulate.
"...Besides, I don't really like the idea of a younger you."

"You don't think you would like me when I was younger?"  He smiled as he
inquired, like he could see the insult I was trying to hide.

"No, not really." I flatly admitted.

Again, he was taken aback, like I had hit below the belt.  But he didn't
seem offended. No.  As I had said, he wasn't the type of person to care
about trivial things.

"C'mon, Mikaihail.  Don't act surprised, I know exactly the type of guy you
would have been..."

"What type of guy?"

I raised an eyebrow incredulously; he needn't act so innocent.  "I know
what your sex drive is like in your forties; I can only imagine what you
would have been like in your twenties...  and with your looks... I don't
even want to think about how many women you have bedded...  how many
fathers naively entrusted their daughters' virtue to you."

Mikaihail burst out into laughter, jostling me as his body moved.  "My
'drive' has a lot more to do with you than my age." A total dodge. "And are
you really going to hold that against me?  Most of that happened before you
were even born."  He laughed with a huge smile on his face.  "I'm sure even
*scrupulous* little you thought about other people before me."  Even after
coming off the laughter and trying to make it a joke, I could still see how
much he didn't like the idea of anyone else affixed to me sexually.

"Well... no."

He looked at me questioningly. "No one?" He clearly didn't believe me.

"I know our relationship is new to you, but I've been in love with you for
three years, ever since we met."  I took a breath to steady myself, I knew
what I was about to say spoke to how immature I was.  "And, well... I was
twelve back then.  That was about the time I started having those
thoughts..."

He takes a second to register exactly what I was saying.  "Really? No One?
Every time you..." He cupped and gently squeezed my crotch, which resulted
in a disapproving stare from me, "...it was always me? Never anyone else?
Every time you've ever done it?"  He grinned, seeming to really enjoy the
idea.

I didn't like talking about this sort of stuff, but Mikaihail was so
completely unfazed by these kinds of subjects, that the idea I wouldn't be,
didn't even enter his mind.  "Of course it was never anyone else.  You
weren't just some attractive guy, I was in love with you, infatuated by
you.  Besides, I never did *that* very much."

Still enjoying the thought that I never had a sexual thought about anyone
else his grin was fixed.  "Well if you love me so much then why didn't you
do it more?"  The worst part of his question was that he sounded like he
really enjoyed the idea of me hopelessly pinning over him.

I rolled my eyes.  These kinds of thoughts were parts of my mind that I
didn't ever think I would let someone into.  But Mikaihail wouldn't let me
hide away from him and I couldn't lie to him, I just wasn't capable of
forsaking him like that.  There wasn't anything I could do but answer him,
"...I always had this image in my head of a monkey beating itself off.  An
incredibly mindless and primitive thing to do.  I didn't want to think of
myself that way."

"...And what do you think about it now."  He kisses me almost gleefully.

I take a second to recover from his kiss.  "I'm thinking the monkey had it
right all along."

He chuckled and drew me into him further.  He stayed silent for a prolonged
moment and I didn't need to see his face to know there was a huge grin on
it.

"You really like that don't you?  That it has never been anyone else."

He laughs lightly.  "I do. A lot...  more than you could know."

I scoffed, but I couldn't stop it from sounding happy, liking that I made
him happy. "You can be such a Neanderthal sometimes."

He stayed silent, continuing to bask in the knowledge of how complete his
hold on me was.

"Wait." Clearly, an unattractive thought had hit him. "If it's always been
me then..."

He didn't continue.  "Yes?"

"Well we didn't really do things the proper way.  Even before we kissed, we
had already..."

I gave a small chuckle.  "Well, yes.  But that doesn't really matter."

Judging by his face, it appeared my lack of caring about it didn't do
anything to alleviate his guilt.

"I'm surprised you care about how thing are 'supposed' to happen."  As I
gave it another second's thought, it seemed to be even more against the
person I knew him to be.  "No.  In your head shouldn't 'the right way' be
defined as: the way you decide to do it."  I reasoned with him a little too
analytically.

He fought back a smile.  "It's just something would have been better for
you if we did it differently."

"If things didn't happen the way they did, we might not have ended up in
this place.  I don't care how it happened, as long as in the end, I ended
up in your arms."  He held me tightly and let out a contented exhale.

After a long while he spoke again. "Would you rather I didn't have a kid?"

My eyes shot directly to his.  This was not a reflexive question, he had
thought about this....  but I hadn't... there was a long silence as I
looked into his eyes. "...Mikaihail..."

He stroked my face lovingly, letting me know it was okay, that it was a
safe question.

"...I haven't ever thought about it.  Duncan is part of who you are... I've
never wished for him not to be there..."

"Well..." he spoke gently, not for himself, but for me, "...what do you
think.  You can tell me."

I took a hard breath.  "...No."

"No?"  The same tone was present, like he was trying to extract truth
through complacency.

"I'm glad you have Duncan.  Not only would you not be the man you are if
you hadn't but..."

His eyes widened as he lowered his head closer to mine, encouraging me to
continue.

"...I want to be your perfect partner Mikaihail.  But being who I am..." I
spoke with a sense of uselessness, "a child is the one thing I cannot give
to you... so I'm glad you have Duncan."

His reacting smile encouraged me further.

"And besides, look at you, you were meant to procreate, it would be a crime
not to bless the next generation with your genes."

He laughed, but he was still making sure I was alright.

"I wish I could knock you up..."

I look at him, surprised by his words.  But he just had a satisfied smile
on his face as he considered it.

"Make you completely mine.  Breed you.  Make you completely dependent on
me.  That way you could never be free from me."  He spoke from the very
primal core of himself, without any filter, not even one manufactured of
hesitation, conventional decency, or shame.

"That's horrible..." my tone caught between being unsettled, finding it
humorous, and liking the idea of Mikaihail wanting me completely.  I
quickly regained myself. "Besides you don't need to do anything else, I am
already completely incapable of separating from you."  He began to speak,
but I knew what he was going to say, so I cut him off, "and *not* just
because you physically wouldn't let me, but because I don't have the
emotional strength to be without you. I couldn't survive on my own."

His satisfied smile increases in intensity with my words. "My Caleb."

I turn to look at him directly in his eyes, hoping he'd get it through his
head. "Yes... *your* Caleb."

He cuddles me closer to him humming in contentment.

Another uneasy thought came to me.  "...Do you want to have more kids?"

"No." He answered with certainty, this was something he had thought
about... or had discussed... with his wife. "I'm happy with just Duncan."
He gently massaged me reassuringly "What about you?"

I didn't know what he meant.  "What about me?"

He clearly thought the question was obvious.  "Do you want to have kids?"

I burst out in unrestrained laughter.  I didn't want to laugh, the
situation was too serious, but I couldn't help it, the notion was just so
absurd.  Hearing myself, the laugh had a slightly sinister edge to it.

Mikaihail was not amused by my laughter, but seemed to be concerned for my
sanity.  "I'm sorry..." I began to be able to manage the urge, "...you just
don't understand."  I was able to stop laughing and became more subdued as
I tried not to look at him while I continued. "I know you're trying to get
some idea as to what goes on in my head, but there is a lot... I must have
a predisposition to dozens of psychological conditions..." I looked into
his eyes so he knew I was serious "I would not curse another person with my
mind." I took a second before going on. "My genetic line should end with
me."

"Caleb..." his tone made it clear he did not like, or agree, with my
evaluation of myself.

"Don't Mikaihail.  I know myself very well, and I won't ever want
that... It's okay, I have everything I want."  I kiss him softly to
accentuate my point.

He remained silent, enjoying the taste of my dependency in his head.  As he
thought my words over another possibility came to him.  "Do you want me to
have more kids?"  His tone was genuinely interested in this novel
possibility.

I only needed to give it a quick thought.  "I'd be more than willing to be
with you if you wanted to raise a tribe of small Mikaihails... but I don't
want them for my own sake."  I slowly went in for a sensual kiss.  "I
wouldn't want an infant vying for your attention."  I smiled at his pleased
reaction.  "If you're happy, then I'm more than happy."

He smiled, enjoying the taste of my kiss, before coming back to his
thoughts.  "If not that, what do you want?"

"Right now all I want is to disappear with you.  Somewhere we'll never see
another person again and can just be together without the interruptions of
reality."

He kissed me with a joyful smile, clearly liking the idea.  "Well, what
about your plans?  What about becoming a surgeon?"

"I don't really have the same interest anymore.  Having you in my life
makes everything else seem so insignificant."

He couldn't resist this time, with an even more joyful demeanour he began
kissing me deeply, turning us horizontal on the day bed.  He continued for
long enough that my mind had muddled by the time his lips left mine.

"Don't tempt me." He bit lightly on my lip. "...You would get bored after a
while."

"No." I answered without hesitation.  "Being with you would never stop
being like this...  Would never stop feeling like something far more than I
deserve."

He kissed me slowly this time, happily, but in a coddling way, the dyad of
our age and experience in his mind.  "Give it a few thousand nights.
You'll have no choice but to get use to it."

For some reason his words hit me hard.  I choke back a whimper, but am
unable to stop my eyes from welling.  He registers my state and his alert,
concerned, and slightly frantic demeanour snaps on.  He props himself and
me back upright.

"Caleb?"

Up until now I could still count the number of times I had spent the night
with Mikaihail on one hand.  The idea that the ineffable experience of
being with him like this could maintain for so long was a thought I had
never really entertained.  But hearing him say it made me realise it was a
certainty in his mind.  And that had to at least make it a reasonable
possibility in mine.

Thoughts like that were difficult - the possibility of liking it, then
having it taken away, was unbearable.  But for the first time I was able to
truly consider it... and it was overwhelming.  Something I never believed I
could have or deserve.  Something so much greater than my life could have
ever contained.

"God... I wish I would stop crying in front of you."

He scoffs at my comment with flippancy before putting his hand under my
chin and forcing my face toward his.  "I like it when you're vulnerable
with me."

"I promise, I'm a lot stronger than this."

"I know."  He strokes my check tenderly. "I know you are, Caleb.  But you
don't have to be strong with me."

I swallowed hard, trying to fight back the emotion. "I know." I did.

"What's wrong?"  His attempts to soothe me didn't completely hide how alert
my state had made him.

"Nothing." I tried to smile through my tears.  "It's just... I've only
spent a few nights with you, but every one of them has been... a special
kind of happiness I've never felt.  'A couple thousand nights'..." I
repeated his words "The idea of being with you like that, night after
night.... it just makes the idea of a life with you seem real." I took a
deep breath. "...It's just... a lot more of a life, than I thought I could
have."

He sounds his deep chuckle as his kisses me in reaction.  "And talking
about our plans for children didn't make you think about our life?"

I laughed.  It was funny that the children conversation didn't hit home the
same fact.  "...I guess it's just a bit abstract and theoretical for me."

He didn't laugh this time, just stared at me like he had gotten an insight
and understood me a little better.

"You are wrong though." I interjected

"About what?"

"No matter how long we're together, I'll never take you for granted."  I
looked into his eyes, making sure he knew I was serious.  "Not because I'll
try not to.  But because I wouldn't be capable of it.  Having you there,
with that look in your eyes, that will never be something I could be cold
for."

"You're still young Caleb."  He clearly just thought my statement was
naive.

I steel my gaze.  "Well if I ever do take you for granted... then please
leave me.  You deserve someone who appreciates you."

He slowly kisses me, taking away my serious notion.  "I told you, I'm not
going anywhere.  You're stuck with me."  He constricted him arms, pulling
me into him.  "And neither are you."

I cuddled into him, floating away from reality.

***

I fell asleep on the balcony and woke up later in his bed.  It was pitch
black and I was disoriented, not being sure how much time had passed.  I
could feel him all around me, his arms, his legs, his body, the man, who
dwarfed me in size, had me as securely as he did imprisoned.  As my eyes
adjusted to the dark I realised he was awake too.  Scattered moonlight
reflected off the surface of his endlessly deep eyes as they stared back
into mine.

I attempted to move my limbs around him, and he loosened his bindings for
only a moment to accommodate me before pulling my person even closer into
his.

At first it was strange, us staring at each other but not saying anything,
but it quickly became settling, like he was constantly taking stock of me,
making sure I was okay.  We didn't move for hours, even after the sun came
up, we just continued to stare deeply into each other's eyes.  Though
nothing else changed, the emotions I felt slowly shifted as time passed.

The first change, the contentment morphed to self-consciousness.  As I
could see his eyes better I felt like he was looking deep inside me, almost
through me, like I wasn't able to hide my flaws or keep anything from him.
I was on display and I couldn't do anything about it.  Having him stare at
me like that, the best way I could describe it was: disarming.  There was
nothing I could do to hide from him.  He readjusted one of his arms so his
hand could stroke my cheek, gently cradling me.

After the self-consciousness dissipated I felt empty and blank, as if my
consciousness and sense of self had separated.  And after even more time
had passed I slowly began to fill with affection for him, like my entire
being was dedicated to the task of appreciating the man before me.

This continued for the entire day.  The emotions would change but nothing
else did; he was still just staring into my eyes.  He seemed to know I
needed to take it easy after the experience in the car, he never made a
move to initiate anything.  His hold would sometimes be looser, more gentle
and caring, and other times would be tighter and more secure, but when he
moved it was always reflexive, without intention.

I always had difficulty putting a label on what Mikaihail was to me.  A
partner? A lover? A guardian?  A parent?  But just lying here with him, not
speaking, not moving, , but somehow a deep, baser understanding existed
between us; at the moment the best word to describe Mikaihail was: my
'mate'.

***

"Caleb." His voice was disappointed.  He didn't like it that I was the one
pushing him out the door.

"I won't leave the apartment.  I'll be right here when you get back."  I
tried to soothe his concern.  But his desire was more difficult to assuage.

We had been at the door for ten minutes now, his arms securely encircling
me against his strong body.

He groaned at my continued attempt to persuade him. "You call me if you
need anything."

"Of course."  I didn't think I would need anything, but because I had
agreed with him I would have to comply if I did.  I never had the ability
to disobey him.

"*Anything*."  He looked at me squarely, making sure I understood his
seriousness.

"Yes." I nodded slowly in exaggeration.

I stood on my toes to try and reach his mouth with mine.  He had to lean
down for our lips to connect.  I slowly kissed him goodbye.  He continued
the kiss with a series of his own goodbye kisses, slowly and expertly
turning it into a full on making out session.

I pushed against his chest trying to get away from him affectionate assault
as I realised what he was trying to do.

"Stop, stop." I was able to get my mouth away from his but that only made
him start on my neck.  "That's unfair, you can't use that against me." I
attempted to sound stern, though he was melting me with ease.

He laughed his deep chuckle as he pulled me up into a hug.  "You're mine,
remember, little Caleb? I can do anything I want to you."

He was right.  "It doesn't mean you should." I replied, defeated.

"Oh, don't get pouty Caleb."  He kissed me on the forehead.  "You know I
love you."

I looked at him, unimpressed by his words.

"Okay, okay. I'll go."

I wasn't sure how long his relent would last so I quickly used the
opportunity to push him toward the door.  He groaned as he opened it,
looking back with a regretful expression.

I cracked a smile at his face, "I love you too."

Smiling as he exhaled his disappointment, he turned and left.

I grabbed the closing door and hung outside the hallway watching him walk,
as the impressive, intimidating goliath he was.  He was inside the elevator
before he turned around and noticed me.

"Back inside."  He commanded authoritatively.  But no matter how hard he
tried I could still hear the adoration in his words.

I smiled at him and complied, returning to our sanctuary.

As much as I knew it was what had to be done, it wasn't easy having him
leave me.  But this was an occurrence that would happen on more days than
not - I was going to have to get used to it.

I lay with my back against the door, trying to centre myself after his
departure.  In my mind it was like I could sense his presence becoming
further and further away from me.  It was easier being in our sanctuary
than being outside, but it didn't stop the feelings from returning.  The
feelings that constantly thudded against the wall protecting my sanity.

As I walked through the house, not doing anything, it was the little things
that helped me through.  Seeing his clothes in the closet, his toiletries
in the bathroom, the dishes he had used for breakfast, they were all
reminders of him.  I knew it was all in my head, but if I had to be without
him, knowing this was where he lived made it the easiest place to exist.

I still had a few more tests coming up so I thought studying might help me
pass the time.  I got my books out and started to go through the material.
I quickly lost interest.  I already knew all this stuff, I had already
studied it in an airport terminal...

I got up and restarted walking through the house.  After a couple of hours
of mindless wandering I decided that sleeping might be the best option.
Even after spending the previous day in bed, my body still yearned for
rest.  I returned to his room and lay on the messed up bedding.

As I lay on my chest, the side of my face flat against the pillow as I
blankly stared out the large bedroom window, I couldn't fall asleep.  I
wanted to, and needed to, but I felt uneasy.  I couldn't go to sleep while
I was in this state.  It was hard to describe, as though I was anxious
about being apart from Mikaihail, but I wasn't worried about him, it was
something else.

I closed my eyes and just let my mind wander.  I knew, biologically, it was
very likely I would go to sleep if I just stayed like this.  Nothing
happened for a very long time, but then my anxiety began to worsen, out of
nowhere I became very afraid.  It was like I could feel his presence again,
out in front of me, but as I tried to near it I became slower and slower,
and he began to move further and further.  Then I began to sink, slipping
away.  The sinking turned to falling, and as the rapid beating fear turned
into mortal fear I attempted to scream at him.

My eyes snapped open as I bolted upright in the bed, coming out of
unconsciousness.  "Just a dream." I told myself.  I was even drowsier than
before, even with my rapid, now calming, heartbeat, I was barely even
awake.  I flopped back down on the bed and quickly fell back into
unconsciousness.

I was in a ballroom.  Red decorations and tapestry filled the walls and
ceiling.  Ruby sheer material hung against the walls, connecting the roof
to the floor.  The lighting was low and candles filled the room, emitting
the greatest source of light.  There were people all around, middle-aged,
well attired, suits and expensive dresses.  They were all drinking,
champagne flutes in their hands, laughing and flirting.

I walked around the crowded room but no one noticed me.  The smell of wax,
alcohol, and perfume assaulted my brain.  I tried to find a way out but I
could find no doors.  As I made my way through the moving, mingling people,
I was struck by a familiar face in my peripheral vision.  As I turned, a
gap in the crowd allowed me to see to the corner of the room.  The walls
there were lined with intimate veiled booth seating.  In the corner was
Mikaihail, his arms around a woman as he leaned all over her, whispering
into her ear with a lascivious grin on his face.  She giggled and turned
into him as their lips began toward one another....

I shot up out of the bed, breathing heavily, my entire body tense.  I
wasn't just anxious anymore, I was angry.  "Yeah, fuck you too brain."

I tried to calm down, but the image in the ballroom wouldn't stop flashing
in my head.  I stroked my hand through my hair so hard it felt like I was
pulling it out.  My eyes landed on my cell phone, on the bedside table.

"God damn it." I exclaimed, frustrated with myself.

I didn't want to call him and give into my weakness, but I promised I would
call if I needed anything.  'Anything' I could hear him slowly repeat.  I
couldn't not ring him after I had promised him I would.

I sat down on the bed as I begrudgingly called him.  The phone didn't even
get to its second ring before he picked up.

"Caleb!"  He sounded happy I had called.

The man seducing a woman inside the ballroom was gone from my mind, he was
not the man who loved me.

"Hey." I exhaled in relief, my pure feelings for him filling my mind

"What's wrong?"

I had only gotten out a single syllable but that was all he needed to read
my state.  I was recovering but the unease must have remained in my voice
to some extent.

"...I just needed to hear your voice."

"Caleb."  He sounded stern.  He didn't like my evasion.

"It's nothing really... it's stupid."  I really didn't want admit how weak
I was.

He sounded a displeased grumbled but let it go.  "Come up for lunch."

"To your work?"

"Sure, I'll have Kate order us something and we can eat in my office."

"You sure?"

"Did I stutter?"  He wanted to help me and he was angry at anything that
got in the way of that; even if that thing was me.  "...Just get here as
soon as you can Caleb."  He calmed himself.

"Okay." I gladly relented to his will.  "I'm on my way."

***

I stared at the mirror in the bathroom as my self-consciousness took hold.
I had never really cared how I looked, I had tried to always look clean but
that was about it.  Going to his work to see him was the first time that
the idea of 'preparing myself for him' had really come into my mind.

I was usually so focused on just getting to see him that it never really
entered my thoughts.  But now that I lived with him and seeing him was
going to be a daily part of my life, those thoughts left, and others began
to plague my mind.  Thoughts of how unworthy I was to be in this position.
Mikaihail's partner should be perfect, he didn't deserve anything less.

I occupied myself with showering and personal grooming.  He had commented
before on how much he liked the way I looked and I repeatedly ran
Mikaihail's words through my head, trying to drown out the self-deprecating
voices.

I looked at the wardrobe and everything seemed inadequate.  I quickly threw
something familiar on and, again, tried not to think about it.

I was quickly out the door and down the elevator.  The front desk clerk
greeted me as I left, I could only hurriedly return the courtesy.

Mikaihail's work wasn't too far away from our building but it would take a
few minutes to get there.  Being outside with people again was nauseating.
I had spent the last 37 hours with Mikaihail and everyone else seemed
diseased and empty by comparison.  I withdrew into myself as I made my way,
a familiar reaction to public situations.

As I entered the building I headed straight for the elevator, no need to
talk to the receptionist this time.  As it reached his floor I made my way
across the grid of cubicles.  This time the employees were less distracted
and I noticed a few people taking stock of me.  I tried to act as if I
belonged, like it wasn't weird to see a 15 year old there in the middle of
a work day.

As I approached his door I saw his assistant, Katherine, sitting at her
desk.  I hung back and tried to call Mikaihail's mobile but there was no
answer.  I didn't see a way around having to go through her to get to
Mikaihail... not without going through something as complicated as before,
and I certainly couldn't do that every time I came here.  I took a breath
to calm myself before approaching.

"Hello."  I spoke as politely as I could.  I still didn't like that this
bimbo was the person who worked so closely with Mikaihail.

"Hey!" She almost screamed, like she was having a chance meeting with a
long lost friend.  "You must be Caleb."

"...Yes." I replied, unsure of how she knew.

"Mikey's never had a personal guest for lunch before."  Contempt for her
use of the pet name pulsed through me.  "Always at a meeting or he takes a
break by himself."  The tear of her familiarity was worse.  She had known
him on a closer level, than I previously had, for a lot longer than me.

"So." She said interestedly, but I wasn't sure it was a question.

"So?"  I repeated unsurely.

"It's you right?"

"Me?"

She lets out an exasperated expression like her notion should be obvious.
"You're the reason he's happy! ... right?"  She seemed confused by her own
question.

"What?"  I tried to mask my fear.  I had managed to fool the people closest
to me - my parents - but this idiot figured it out in between reading her
gossip magazine and phone calls to her vapid friends.

"That guy's been walking around here with a huge grin on his face all day.
I haven't seen him this happy in all the four years I've been here.  He's
usually so serious."  She puts on a grumpy face as she attempts to imitate
him. "Kate. Has Johnson returned that message yet?"  The comedy in her
imitation was between how terrible it was, but also because there
definitely was a reminiscent hint of his familiar tone in her voice.

I had to find something to put her on a different trail quickly "...you
don't know do you?"

Her interest spikes as she inches closer to me "What?"  She spoke like she
was about to get a juicy piece of gossip.

As I spoke I tried to act like the information was more delicate than
intriguing.  "He and his wife split up."

Her jaw dropped. "No... way."

I wasn't sure if it was my turn to speak to so I just stood there
awkwardly.

"For realzies?"  Now she seemed to be taking it even more seriously than it
warranted.  Only belied by the use of the non-word.

I really didn't know how to converse with her.  "...Well he moved out."

"Like, he's in a hotel?"  She shot back, thinking it wasn't as serious as
it appeared.

"No, he's in an apartment here in the city.  He owns it and everything."

"...And that's why he's happy?" She seemed to think that was a little
messed up.

"I guess." I tried to act detached. "That's all I know."

"Hmm..." She crossed her arms and retreats back into her chair, an
expression on her face like she was doing a lot more mental processing than
was natural for her.  "Makes sense."  She declares like she was proud of
herself for coming to a conclusion. "That woman was such a bitch."  She
spoke and looked at me like we were close friends, the kind of friends that
talked about this sort of sensitive information often.

"What?"  I couldn't help but smirk at the reciprocated sentiment.

"Oh God! You have no idea!" She overly emoted.  Pretty sure I had a great
idea though; I'd bet few people had a lower opinion of Eleanor than I did.
"She calls here all the time about nothing, and gets soooo upset when he's
not available."  It felt disorienting as I found myself enjoying our
conversation.  "This one time the entire place was working late because of,
like, this, disaster!  She, she comes in here fuming, wearing this evening
dress, hair done, fancy shoes, flashy purse, and goes into his office,
slams the door and starts screaming at him because of this dinner they were
supposed to go to."  She huffed exasperated at the recounting.

She seemed like she was going to stop, but I found myself genuinely wanting
to hear more.  "Really?"  I minimally encouraged.

"Full on!"  She regained her vigour for the story.  "I mean, does the bitch
even realise how important Mikey's job is?  That it pays for her fancy
dress and shoes."

"Get some real problems to worry about."  I added without thinking.

She laughs gleefully. "Right!?" She exclaimed it like a question and smiled
at me in a way I'm sure a lot of guys would appreciate - it did nothing for
me though.  "You get it."  She sits back in her chair and calms down.
"Well now he can find someone better."

"Someone like you?"  I replied with a false smirk.  The main reason I
didn't like Katherine remained, so I gave her the chance to extinguish it.

"Me? HA! No!" She seemed even more interested in the conversation now that
the subject had changed to her.  "He's like twice my age! I'm not one of
*those* girls.  I have a little more self-respect than that."

I guess, in a way, she had just insulted me - Mikaihail was closer to three
times my age, but I doubted that would make it any better in her eyes.  But
I didn't care, she clearly had no interest in Mikaihail, so I didn't
automatically hate her.  In fact, I think I kind of liked her.  It seemed
hating the same people worked for me.

"Well hopefully he finds someone nice, not some gold digger."

"Yeah, hopefully."

Now that was over, I could feel my need for him resurfacing.  I intensely
stared at his door for a vacant second.  I regained myself and turned back
to Katherine.  "So is he in?"

"Not right now, he's... meeting with someone." She sounded unsure of her
statement.  Her mind returned to me, "So, how do you two know each other
again?"  She seemed very confused by this, but somehow only now realised it
was strange.

"He and my father are close friends and I'm living with him while my
parents sort through some stuff."  It didn't sound very convincing as I
said it, but she nodded with a confused expression, like it was easier to
accept it than try to understand it.

I continued trying to make it sound more convincing.  "So, I guess that
makes me..."

"Mine."  A familiar voice declared.  Mikaihail put his arm around my
shoulder as he spoke.  "No calls Kate."  He wasted no time in leading me
into his office.

He locked the door and in a flash of movement he turned around and had me
between his arms securely, looking down at me with a grin.  He laughed
sinisterly through the grin, like a predator that had cornered its prey.

My heart lifted with his contact.  I was back where I was supposed to be.

"You're here, my Caleb."  He spoke down to me, but I didn't care.

"mmm-hmm."  I cuddled into him giving in as his feeling enveloped me.  No
more angst, no more unsettledness.

"At my work."

"mmm"

"...At my beck and call."  I could hear the still present grin in his tone.

I looked up at him unimpressed, but I couldn't really deny it.  I cuddled
back into him, "...pretty much."

He curled his arms soothingly around me.  "All out of spunk?"

I remained tightly embracing him for a moment as I listened to the familiar
sound of his heart.  "You have a strong heartbeat."

He murmurs questioningly, not particularly interested, but wanting to
engage.

"Yeah. It's proud: like you. Like it demands to be noticed."

He allowed me to remain for a moment of bliss before taking me over to the
couch in his office.  Enough food to feed an entire family was already
setup on the table.  We made small talk as we ate.  I asked him how work
was going, he asked me how much study I had gotten done.  It was nice and
easy, as it only could be was when it was just the two of us.  He had his
arm around me and I huddled into his side as we ate.

After he had his fill (long after I had finished), he pulled me onto his
lap.  His fingers ran through my hair as he silently inspected my eyes.

After a time spent in silence he speaks with a paternal tone.  "You sounded
a bit shaken on the phone..."

I broke my eyes from his as I tried to hide the emotions of the memory.
"It was stupid."  I didn't want to talk to him about it, but I couldn't
simply lie to him.

"Caleb."  He sounded sympathetic, but I could hear the stern undertone that
would become overt if I continued to evade him.

"...It's just petty, and I don't really want to be like that with you." I
tried to earn an allowance from him.

"Too bad."  His hand came to my cheek, moving my head so our eyes were
connected again.  "I'm not going to let you hide from me, My Caleb."

I exhaled, defeated.  I couldn't try to present the best side of myself
with Mikaihail, he wouldn't allow me to manage his perception.  "Just
dreams."

"You had some nightmares?"  I could hear the sympathy of my state, but it
didn't stop his tone from containing a noticeable amount of infantilising
amusement.  He grunted and steeled his sympathy. "What about?"

"You."

"Me?" He initially couldn't understand how that would be bad.  "What
happened?"  But after a second he could see the negative potential.

I vehemently didn't want to answer because I knew it would hurt him.  And I
knew it was not his fault I had these unconscious notions.

"You... with... someone else."

"Caleb." He said in disappointed disbelief.  "We talked about this." His
voice cracked with a familiar hurt.

"I know."  I quickly replied to his tone. "I'm not saying it makes sense.
Or that it is justified.  And I don't think it is legitimate... I don't
think you ever would..."

His expression turned with a slight annoyance. "Really?"  He didn't believe
my sincerity.

I couldn't move my head because of his grip, but I averted my gaze from his
face.  I hated myself for doing this to him.

"Look at me."  He wasn't having my evasion.

I slowly, tentatively, turned my gaze back to his.  I didn't want to let
him see my pain.  It was in reaction to his pain.  But I didn't want it to
seem like I was using my emotions to escape his justified anger.

But it didn't matter, "...Caleb," he could see the pain behind my eyes.

He picked me up off him and plonked me down on the couch as he got up in a
haste.  He paced to the side of the room, one hand in a fist, the other
gripping his forehead.

"I'm sorry..." My voice broke.  I had tried to do my best, to be what he
wanted, and that had led me to hurt him.  No matter what I did, it seemed I
was a poison to him.

"Don't be sorry!" He spat back in frustration as he turned to me.

I flinched at his aggression.

After seeing my reaction he hastens over to me and drops to a knee in front
of the couch, taking my hands in his.  With his head lowered his takes a
deep breath to clam himself.

He looks at me with sincerity.  "*I'm* sorry."  He takes another
moment. "It's not your fault Caleb.  I just love you so much that it's
frustrating when..." he tries to find the words "... I can't get it
across."

"I know how much you love me."

His expression looked doubtful.

"I do.  You've given almost your entire life for me... and you seemed to do
it with little hesitation."

"*No* hesitation."  He corrected emphatically.

I took my turn to be careful with my words.  "I'm just not use to having to
deal with this external locus of control."

He looked at me like I had spoken German. "What?"

I took a second to try and come up with an explanation.  "Before; the
things that made me happy, or things I thought would make me happy, were
always 100% under my control.  Avoiding my parents and classmates, getting
good grades, making a career for myself.  Whether or not I achieved
happiness was determined by me.  Whether I would be happy, satisfied or
miserable, my actions, what *I* did, decided that."  I swallowed hard and
continued as I looked in his consuming eyes.  "But now the only thing that
makes me happy is you.  Us being together is the only thing that decides
whether I am, and whether I will be, happy..." I dropped my head "...and I
have about as much control over that as I do the sun rising."

I shake my head at my own uselessness.  "I think the dream was just my
brain doing what it always does.  Trying to see all the possible
obstacles..."

His hands tightened their grip with my words.

"...Caleb..." His eyes sadden as he tries in vain to sort out my head.
"You don't understand.  I may be the one controlling where you go, what you
do," he gives a single chuckle, "controlling your every move.  But you have
me... far more."

It was my turn to be confused.  He returned to the couch and put an arm
around me, the other held my hands.

"You know, ever since I was young, whenever I saw a woman, my first thought
was..." I felt my heart sink a little at the thought of Mikaihail's
attraction to other people.  But he knew how it would affect me so he
stopped himself before saying it.  "...even as I grew up, after I got
married, it never stopped.

"I was buying your laptop the other day and as the woman sold it to me, I
realised she was flirting with me.  I then realised she had been doing it
the whole time that she was explaining the model to me, the whole time, but
I didn't notice... and it wasn't because she was unattractive.  Usually I
would have been thinking about that as soon as I saw her... but not
anymore.

"Since I have been with you I realised that part of me has stopped.  I walk
down the street now and don't even notice the women anymore.  They're not
even *people* to me anymore.  You're the only real thing to me.  The only
person I even think of in *that* way."

My heart filled with his words. "Really?"

He laughed at the idea of his unwillingly changed nature. "Yeah."

I threw my arms around him and hugged into his neck, fighting the tears
threatening to form in my eyes.

He moved him arms around me comfortingly.

"I'm sorry at how stupid my mind is."

He sounds his deep chuckle.  "That's alright, My Caleb."

"No, it's not.  You're so perfect and you try to take as good care of me as
you can but my mind still has issues."

"Caleb, I don't like that any part of you thinks of me that way.  But I
will never do anything to validate it. "  He exhales, letting it go.  "So,
as much as I can't fuck'in stand it, I'll give it time to go away.  I have
you forever, so I have all the time in the world to prove to you what you
mean to me."

"Maybe..."

"Hmm?"

"Maybe my mind is having such a problem because I'm so use to working for
my happiness.  Maybe it would fare better if I did things you wanted.  You
know, like working for it.  It may make me having you seem more
legitimate."

"No." He spoke harshly.

"Mikaihail?" I was confused by his tone.

He pulled me back to meet my eyes with his own.  "I won't let you believe
that you only have this because you worked for it.  You have me because
you're you, not because of something you did, or do.  You're just going to
have to accept that I love you.  Period."  He continued to stare, making
sure I understood the order.  "Got that?"

I nodded in acquiescence.

He pulled me back into the hug.

***

I didn't leave Mikaihail's work that day.  I just stayed in his office as
he went about his business, smiling at me whenever he looked at me.  I said
goodbye to Katherine as we left a few hours later and returned to our tower
of solitude.

The next day I had another test and we repeated our routine.  He dropped me
off, again a little reluctant to let me go.  The test was for science, and
the physics we learned this semester was very simple.  I finished the
entire test only two hours in, so I was stranded for the final hour.  I
didn't want to let my mind wander because I knew how that would end up, so
I continued my list from a few days ago.  I would have the opportunity to
start everything today... but the process of becoming a worthy partner for
Mikaihail would be a life-long endeavour, ending in inevitable failure.
The purpose was only to try and become as close to the maxim as possible.

After I got out of the church, I got on a bus and headed for the city.
Using his credit card for the first time was like breaking a rule of
etiquette, it felt wrong and made me uneasy.  But I knew I had to push past
those feelings.  I tried very hard not to notice how much everything cost
and to not tally it in my head, but it was impossible.  For the first time
in my life I wished I was duller.

 I kept repeating his words in my head, to make it feel okay to use his
money.  The fact that it was all in service to him in the end...  that made
it easier.

***

After the long day of shopping I stood in the living room of our apartment
surrounded by the day's procurements.  Scores of books lay piled on the
coffee table and couches.  Clothes that I hadn't ferried upstairs sat
beside them or hung on the blinds.  Not-really-essential cosmetic products
and certain devices for keeping one kempt.  A smattering of other sundries
that made the list were also strewn around the area.

A lot of what I wanted I couldn't get immediately, but were now in the
process of being shipped, probably a good idea given that I needed help to
lug even this amount back to the building.  A problem that could easily be
remedied with an obliging taxi driver and the front desk clerk.

 "Kale!!"

I had heard the key turning, but I assumed it would only be Mikaihail
coming through the door of the apartment.  Instead, the miniature version
of him came rushing at me.  I was caught off guard by the surprise and
didn't have enough time to react before Duncan had sprinted over to me and
hugged my legs.

My head snapped to Mikaihail with a guilty expression.  But instead of
angry or annoyed by the physical contact that wasn't his, it didn't even
seem to register to him that the rule had been broken.  In fact he seemed
amused by Duncan's greeting.

"Hey Duncan."  I tried to sound happy to see him.  I got down on one knee
to bring us closer to eye level.  "What's with the 'Kale'?"

"It's you. Kale!"  He seemed proud of himself for coming up with the
nickname.  "Because of your eyes, they look like hail."

"Oh; Kail."  I guessed he didn't know that Kale was a type of vegetable.

"... You don't like it?"  His eyes melted as he seemed to be on the verge
of being completely broken.

"If you like it, then I like it, Duncan."  In no time his smile comes back,
just as intense as it had ever been. "How was school?"

"Good!"  He smiled wide. He hugged me again, this time around the neck.

"Wow!"  His attention was broken as he noticed the view from the balcony.
He ran out to railing, looking over the city in amazement.

"What's all this?"  Mikaihail's voice cradled me as I turned back around to
meet his gaze.

"Things I thought I'd need."

"What things?"  He approaches.

"Well the books are..." But I couldn't finish.  He intertwined our fingers
and brought his face inches from mine, looming over me.

"Missed you today." He spoke in a softer, more intimate tone.

"...You too." It takes me a second to regain my voice.

"Managed to stay away the entire day."

"You don't like that?" His tone was becoming easier for me to read.

"Hmm." He pretends to think, his eyes remaining fixed on mine. "It just
means I had to wait longer."

His lips slowly move toward mine, but I back mine away.  "...we're not
alone."

He grins (in that lasciviously evil way) at my reluctance as he slowly
pulls one of his hands, with my trapped fingers, over and behind him.  The
difference in our heights forces me to move closer to him, and it doesn't
take long before my body is firmly against his.  Without any ability to
move away he slowly moves in again, kissing my lips slowly with his own,
taking my concern over the situation away with them until I am once again
reduced to only my feelings for him.

As he pulls back the grin remains.  "You should know better than that by
now, My Little Caleb."  His voice wasn't scolding, it was infantilising.
Like declaring that he didn't need me to comply, he was completely fine
with forcing me if that's what it took.

He really didn't need to be so garish about it though.  "Well I might be
more amenable if there wasn't a little you over there."

He let out a huff as he dropped one of my hands, but tightened the bindings
on the other.

"Duncan.  Put your bags in your room.  Upstairs on the right."

With the lessened restriction I could see that the city below had kept
Duncan's attention.  I suppose in his position, Mikaihail could have seen
him the whole time.  Duncan's gets a reenergised jolt of excitement at the
prospect of seeing his new room.  He quickly grabs his belonging and bounds
up the stairs.

Mikaihail goes in for a deeper kiss. "Better?"

I curl my free arm under his coat and around his back.  "Much."  I breathe
as I find my resting place against his chest.

He murmurs, satisfied at my turnaround from aversion.  "Sorry for the
interruption."

"Sorry?  He's your kid.  He'll be around here a lot."  I embrace him
tighter in assurance.  "Remember what I said about him."

"Eleanor called... so I..."

"Don't explain." I cut him off.  "You don't need to answer to me.  I'll
happily go along with whatever you decide."

We enjoyed our reunion for a moment.

"'Glycerol Paucity and its Abeyance of Maturation.' Sounds like a real page
turner."  Mikaihail read one of the book titles.

I chuckle slightly uncomfortably.  The purpose of that particular book was
not so innocent.

"Sorry about all this, just haven't had time to ferry it all upstairs yet."

He grunts, throwing off the need for an apology.  "Retail therapy?  Trying
to stop yourself from thinking about me?"  he teased.

"Well it did help with that... but that wasn't the purpose.  The books are
for school next year, some general interest stuff, and a few cooking
books." I knew I needed to become a more skilled chef.  "The clothes are so
I don't look so out of place next to you in your impressive power suits."
The clothes were of very high quality and taste.  "And just a lot of other
little things."

"You didn't have to get everything at once."

"I like to be efficient. Besides this isn't everything.  A lot of what I
wanted I couldn't find so there's going to be numerous deliveries over the
next few weeks."

He laughed playfully at my overdoing it.

"Oh... and that is for you."

"I already have a phone." He looked at the device I beckoned towards like
it was more trouble than it was worth.

"Yes, but this one has GPS tracking."

"So?"

"Well I thought about what you said... about being worried about me, not
knowing where I am.  So, I got one too.  Which means at any time you can
use yours to see where I am."

He smiles, not just at the gift, but what the gift meant.  "I thought you
weren't going to 'justify me being needlessly protective.'"

I shrugged, giving up on the notion.  "You just never let anything go, so I
decided it would be easier to be obsequious than combative."

He chuckles triumphantly.  "And it had nothing to do with wanting to make
me happy?" he teased.

I exhaled annoyed and defeated.  "That is very likely."

He curled me up tightly in response.

"...and I promise I won't use the credit card again for a long time."  I
remarked guiltily.

"No." He firmly stated. "You use it as much as you want."  I could sense
him looking down at me intensely.  "Don't ever worry about money." It
sounded more like a command than reassurance.

"Really?" I replied incredulously.  As accomplished as he was there had to
be a limit.  "What if I wanted to buy something ridiculously expensive?"

"Well, maybe give me a call if you get the sudden urge to buy a house. But
otherwise you're all set." He replied lightly.

"Cause that wouldn't max it out or anything."

"It doesn't have a limit."

My reaction is to be uneasy about how cavalier he was about giving me a
limitless credit card.  But I could hear the satisfaction in his voice.  He
knew how I would feel about that and he would love to indulge in his sense
of power by disregarding my trepidation.

I could hear Duncan coming down the steps so I pulled away from Mikaihail
and lent against the couch.

Mikaihail's displeased face let me know he really didn't enjoy me
constantly trying to separate myself from him - but it was necessary.

Duncan came up to us with an excited look on his face.  He just stood there
for a second, like he didn't know what to do.  He was excited but had no
goal, which left him at a standstill.

"How about Pizza for dinner." I rescued him from his gridlock.

"Yes!" He over affectionately hugged my legs again.

"I'll order.  You get changed and we can go pick it up."

That was all he needed, he sprinted upstairs.

"We don't usually let Duncan have takeout on weeknights."  He was trying to
be stern, but I could tell that having me act like a faux parent to Duncan
had thrown Mikaihail off balance.  He didn't know what he thought about it.
Though neither did I really.

"Well I'm going to be the cool one." I replied disinterestedly.

A thought hit me that really needed to be aired while it could.  "By the
way." I drew his attention back from within himself.  "I'm not having sex
with you while Duncan is here."

"Oh really?"  It wasn't so much a question about what I had said, but
whether I thought I had any say in the matter.

"I don't want Duncan to hear us..."

"He won't."  I looked at him incredulously.  Had he not heard how loud he
is? The expression seemed to be enough of a retort.  "And even if he does
hear something, he's not going to tell anyone."

"Oh, right." I replied surprised. "It wasn't secrecy I was considering.  I
just can't imagine a more traumatising experience than hearing your parents
having sex."

Mikaihail let out one of his deep chuckles.  "You never heard your
parents?"  He smirked as he asked.

"No.  As far as I am concerned, I was immaculate conception."

He laughs louder.  "Your dad once told me..."

I cut him off. "Finish that sentence and you're about to get very well
acquainted with a life of celibacy."

He chuckled at the threat.  "Oh, don't get mad, Caleb."  His towering
figures closed in around me.  He kisses me, then grabs my butt with both
hands and growls. "Though I do know a great way to get aggression out."

"We should probably sleep in separate beds while he's here."

"No." This time there was no playful emotion to attenuate the aggression.
"You sleep with me."

"But what if he wakes up before us and sees my bed empty... or us in the
same bed."

He could see my point, but his expression didn't give me hope he had any
intention of giving me my way.  He takes a second to think "...We'll lock
both doors."

I knew that wasn't as good of an option, but I also knew he wasn't going to
allow me to argue with him on this one.

"Okay." I smiled up at him.  Sleeping with him was not something I would
want to give up either.

He smiled back at me.  I couldn't tell if it was reciprocal or if he was
just pleased I relented.

He pulls out his phone.

"You don't need to do that Mikaihail, I'll order the pizza."

"Not pizza.  The sound proofers will be here tomorrow."

***

That night, after pizza and clean up, Mikaihail retired to the couch to
watch 'the live game.'  Duncan sat happily, cuddled under one of his arms
as he tried to be as interested in the TV as his father.  Mikaihail's other
arm securely held his fourth beer of the night.

This all left me at somewhat of a standstill.  While Duncan was around I
couldn't be affectionate with Mikaihail, so all physical contact with him
was not possible.  My mind had quickly grown accustomed to this being the
time that we could be close, so the distance was difficult to endure.

I decided to try and distract myself, so I started on one of the books I
had bought earlier in the day.  It seemed to work a lot better than I
thought it would.  It wasn't so much the book, but thinking about how the
content could be applied to me, how I could institute it, and exactly what
effects would be reasonable to expect.

After only a short time reading I was lost to the world, pacing around the
living area.  I would mindlessly play with random objects around the
apartment while I read and thought without really noticing what exactly I
was handling.  I knew this because Mikaihail broke me out of my haze when I
started playfully alternating grips on a particularly sharp knife.  A
sudden "Caleb" let me know he wasn't happy with what I was doing.

Getting consumed and not noticing what I was doing wasn't a new behaviour,
but the pacing was new.  I only seldom left my room in my parents' house,
trying to keep contact with Eric as rare as possible.  Pacing in only my
room would probably have been a very dizzying experience.

After a good hour or so of this Mikaihail broke me out of my haze again.

"Caleb."  But he wasn't authoritative this time.  "You don't have to get me
beer."  As I looked up from the page I realised I had a cold bottle in my
hand, holding it out to him, another empty one had been added to the
collection on the table.  He was subtly appreciative, but the prevailing
sentiment seemed to be that he almost felt bad that I would do it.  Like he
didn't want me to think of myself as someone who should do those kinds of
things.

"Oh." I came out of my haze.  "I wasn't really thinking."  I smiled
apologetically.

He grinned, took the beer and my hand, and pulled me onto the couch with
him.  I was a little concerned that Duncan might be confused about what our
relationship actually was, but Mikaihail's absolute comfortableness with
having me in his arm would hopefully negate any reason to think it unusual.

I had no interest in the TV so I leant against his side, his arm draped
over my chest, beer in hand, as I continued to read.  Each time he took a
swig, he would hug my neck with his thick arm.

***

Before the game even finished Duncan had fallen asleep.  After it was over
Mikaihail picked him up and took him to bed.

"You're such a good father."  I praised him from the door.  My tone was
slightly mocking but, in truth, watching Mikaihail take care of Duncan made
me both strangely jealous and, even more strangely, aroused by him.

"You have a low standard."  He smiled, seeing past my mocking.

"Well I do have a pretty poor example to compare you to."

Mikaihail took me by the shoulder as we left the room.  He locked the door
to 'my room' and closed it on the way before we got to his room.  I began
walking to the en-suite when I realised he wasn't walking with me.  I
turned around to see him, very explicitly, lock the door while looking
squarely at me, the primal side of him beginning to touch his eyes.

"No."  I smirked while holding up a finger to ward him off.

"What?"  He grinned.

"I know what you're thinking and we already agreed about this."  I said as
I noticed I was slowly backing away.

"I didn't agree to anything."  He began to stalk toward me.

I couldn't help but be amused as I began to hasten my retreat.  As he
quickened, I turned and ran into the en-suite.  I didn't get far before he
grabbed me and entrapped me in his arms.  He quickly had his lips on mine,
kissing me happily.

"Mikaihail.  Stop."  I could barely get any words out as his attack of
passion continued.

He growled with a difficult restrain as he pulled his head back from me.

I tentatively looked him in eyes, not sure how in control he really was.

He took a moment, evaluating the situation, before loosening his hold and
letting me go.

I breathe a sigh of relief.  "Thank you."

He began untying his tie with a little too much force.  "You know it wasn't
easy for me to be around you all night and not be able to do that to you."
He was tense but his tone only conveyed affection.

"For me either."  I looked at him with my own measure of affection.  I was
about to kiss him in comfort, but stopped, not wanting to trigger
something.

He looked at me with a doubtful, resigned smile.  "You don't know the half
of it Caleb."  His fingers clenched and tremored with restrained lust.

I let out a stunned laugh.  "Please.  You're the incredibly buff, macho,
and unfairly handsome hot dad."

He didn't even begin to believe the extent of my attraction.  "Let's just
get in the shower."

I came back to him as I reached for his shirt and started unbuttoning it.
"I'm sorry Mikaihail.  I don't ever want to disappoint you or leave you
feeling unsatisfied."  He pushed down my pants and starting undoing his own
as I continued to undo the buttons, trying not to stare at his incredibly
sexy body as I revealed it.  "But I just want to do the right thing."  It
was very difficult to resist.  "Believe me.  It's a special kind of torture
having you, my unbearably hot mate, right in front of me and not being able
to just lie back, hold onto you tightly, as you fuck me so vigorously my
eyes roll into the back of my head. "  I took off my shirt as I giggled and
smiled, looking up to meet his face.  But my smile dropped as my eyes met
his.

I stupidly didn't think about what I was saying.  He looked at me like I
was an irresistible piece of meat just begging to be eaten.  He was on me
like lightning, he grabbed my butt with one hand, pulling me off my feet,
and the back of my head with the other.  We slammed against the wall, his
lips pressing hard into mine, forcibly silencing me.  He dropped me down to
the basin's bench and replaced his hand on my thigh pulling my ass into his
crotch.  He firmly ground his bulge in between my cheeks, parting them with
his engorging monster.

His affection, his presence, his imposition, all of it consumed me to the
point where I was drowning in it.  I began moving with his hips, and
wrestled his tongue with mine.  It was so hard to resist him and so easy to
give in.  My heart raced as I grasped onto his enormous frame, heated with
lust, both our minds set to the same goal.

A part of myself quickly came back to me as I remembered why I didn't want
this to happen tonight.  I released my grip and tried to push him away, I
retreated my tongue and started murmuring, trying to communicate my
dissent.

He didn't stop and continued to grind and kiss me.  I kept trying to push
him harder and raise my volume, but it didn't work.  His power over me was
threatening to take control every second and have me willingly give myself
to him.  As I felt my control faltering, knowing I was going to fail, a
part of me felt incredibly awful, like I was a failure as a partner.  I
couldn't even keep my hands off him for this long; do the right thing for
one measly night.  I had the man I adored, he loved me, I told myself I
would do everything I could for him, and right now I couldn't even keep
myself from giving in to my baser need of wanting him, of wanting to submit
to his masculinity.

Out of nowhere he let go of me.  He released my thigh and planted one hand
on the bench beside me, the other pressed firmly against the mirror beside
my head.  His head was over mine and I could feel his gaze as he panted,
the adrenaline and testosterone still racing, overloading his body.

I looked to the side, down towards the basin, not wanting to meet his gaze,
not wanting to potentially trigger him again.

The only noise was the both of us panting, our bodies still very stimulated
from what had just almost happened.

I could see where this would go: Mikaihail almost slamming his fist against
the wall, turning away from me and boiling with self-hatred, the same
self-hatred he had for the first time we were together.

I continued to stare at the basin, hoping against hope that it wasn't that
bad.  I couldn't escape him, his behemoth body towered over and around me .
This was the best I could do.

"Sorry."  He breathed.

I couldn't bring myself to look at him.  I searched his tone, trying to
figure out what he was thinking, but there was little behind it.  If he was
angry at himself, his tone would have been very different.  I tentatively
looked toward him; he had a guilty smile plastered on his face, like a kid
caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

I was enormously relieved.  "My fault.  I'm such an idiot."  I began to
weep in happiness that I hadn't made him hate himself once again.

"Hey, Hey."  He tried to soothe me as he brought his hand to my face.
"It's not a big deal.  What's wrong?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck and hid my face behind him.  "I'm just
glad that didn't turn into something we'd regret."

"Hey."  He held me firmly and pattered my back.  "I don't care if I fucked
you so loudly the people on the street complained.  Making love to you is
never something I would regret."

Another shot of relief.  He had seen my protesting as playful, not
desperate.

I wiped my eyes into his shirt and relaxed back onto the wall.  He moved
his hands to my shoulders and clasped reassuringly.

"I just want to do the right thing."

He looked at me sincerely.  "That would *not* have been the wrong thing."

I looked over him.  His face was flushed with fresh blood, his muscles had
begun to redden with the expected exertion.  Looking lower it was
impossible to miss that he was still gigantically unsatisfied.

I guessed it was true - he really did have a more intense physical
attraction to me.  I knew we couldn't end it like this.  Mikaihail was an
extreme kind of man, he had a sexual appetite that simply had to be fed.
If I was his partner, I couldn't simply ignore that, or not prioritise it
because it might get in the way of something else.

I gestured to his pulsating bulge, "I'm guessing you're going to have a
difficult time sleeping with that thing keeping you up."  I tried to joke.

He chuckled happily, liking that I wasn't as serious.  "I'll probably be
*up* all night with you sleeping beside me."

"...Should I leave?"

He looked at me squarely, but not even angrily, like he knew I already
understood what his response would be and how forceful he would be about
it.

"Right."  I breathed.  I became annoyed, "Fuck this."

I looked up at his surprised expression, I continued, resolved.  "I don't
want this."

"What?"

"I don't want the man I'm completely, totally, and fucking helplessly in
love with standing in front of me, clearly," I again glanced to his very
full underwear, "wanting to show me how very much he loves me.  But not
actually do it."  I finished exasperated.  "There's something seriously
fucking wrong with that!"

"Caleb."  He was a little forceful this time.  "Language."

I laughed at my own uselessness, shaking my head, as I hid my face in the
middle of his lightly-hairy chest. It was incredibly odd, having him scold
me for language when he was almost completely naked, his throbbing manhood
two inches from my exposed ass, and still in a position to fuck me. A
ridiculous moment that could have only existed between us.

I tried to think... There were some options.  I don't really know how well
it would work but I could to try and drown out the noise we'd make.  Set my
laptop outside Duncan's room and run a program that would play a looped
recording of rain falling, the kind of sound our brains are use to sleeping
through.  It would start softly, so not to wake him, but would get
progressively louder. His ears would acclimate to the sound as it
increased, continuing to ignore it and not rouse him... maybe.  But in
truth, the sound would have to become extremely loud to drown out the kind
of noise that Mikaihail made.

"Maybe if we set up some kind of sound stream and you tried *really* hard
not to roar it out to the world when you cum..."

"No." He sounded stern, but more so resolved.  "I won't do that."

"But you're clearly going to have a bad night if we don't.  And I really
want to do what you clearly want to.  I don't want you to have to contain
yourself when you want to be affectionate with me."

"Exactly."  He could tell by my confused expression I didn't understand.
"I've had to put up with a lot because of this whole secrecy we've needed.
I've had to hide how I feel about you, stop myself from reacting the way I
want to when you're around... pretend like you're not the most important
thing to me... But, this is my house, and I'm with you, My Caleb.  I refuse
to have to hide here.  When I'm showing you how much I love you, I am not
going to act like it is something that needs to be hidden or something we
need to quiet about."

His hold tightened.  "When I looking into your eyes as I feel myself enter
your delicate body, I do not want to be thinking about anything else,
especially not anybody else."

My down heart begins to liven up again.  "I don't want you to either."

"So we'll wait for tomorrow."  I can feel his deep chuckle emanate from his
chest.  "I'll make it up to you then."

"And you can be as loud as you want."

"You're the loud one."  He accused humorously.

"Have you heard yourself when you cum?  It's like you want the whole world
to know you're fucking me."

He smirked.  "I do want them all to know."

I looked up at him unsettled.

"One day, once you're 18.  Everyone needs to know you're mine."

...That would have to be a discussion for another day.

***

"Hpmf" A deep, displeased grumble emanates from Mikaihail's chest.

"What?  Not as interesting for you now that I'm not freaking out?"

He didn't answer.  That was as much affirmation as I needed.

Mikaihail had decided we should leave for my test early so I could get in
another driving lesson.  However I found the whole thing much easier now.

"You could barely move the car before."  I guessed this was his version of
pouty.

"Well, you know: fast learner.  Kinda my thing."

With each corner I manoeuvred, and my ability to keep up with the traffic,
seemed to frustrate him.

"You want to drive?"

He shifted, annoyed.  "...Pullover."

Things were back to normal, with him driving me to school.  I couldn't help
but have a satisfied smile on my face.

It wasn't long before we were kissing our goodbyes on the side street.

"You okay?"  Something had come across my mind while in the bliss of his
affection and he seemed to notice the shift in just my state.

"...I have something important on at the end of the week and..." I
hesitated.

He tightened his arm around me and supported my head with his hand.
"What?"  He coaxed gingerly.

"Everyone becoming a senior next year has to have an interview with the
principal... and their parents."

He held his silence for a moment. He could tell I had some trepidation and
he wanted to be the bastion he always was for me, but there was still a
discernible measure of unease from him at the idea of my parents.

"I guess we'll have to call them." He said assuredly.  He had decided what
he had to do and committed to it without a second thought.  That was the
way he was.

I swallowed hard and interjected. "Actually I was hoping you would be there
with me...The driving lessons are a nice thought, but this is something I
would like to have a parent like you with me for."

He smiled a prideful smile and stared at me.  After a while I felt a little
ignored by his lack of response.

"So will you?"

He threw off the question with flippant grunt.  "Of course, My Caleb."

"But we still have to call them, I guess.  Might be strange if only you and
not my parents are there."  I thought it over, trying to figure a way to
make the prospect less awful.  "Maybe just ring Alice."

"I'm ringing?"

"Yeah. Makes it look like I'm comfortable asking you for this kind of stuff
and you're comfortable doing it."

"And it has nothing to do with you not wanting to talk to them."

"I resent that." I look at him unimpressed, though I couldn't deny there
might be a kernel of truth there.  "All my ideas are based on logic,
they're not attempts to avoid things I don't want to do."

"Mmm-hmm." He agreed sarcastically.

"And call her at work."

He looked away and exhaled in exasperation.  He clearly thought I was being
needlessly elaborate again.

"Just so you don't accidentally have to talk to the guy you beat the crap
out of." I retorted in my own light belittling.

"You mean your dad?"

"Well, sure, if you want to call him that.  Personally, I don't like think
of him that way."  After a moment I laughed, as that triggered a memory of
something I use to fantasize about.

"What?"

"Well..."  I took a second to make sure it wasn't something that would get
to him.  "I use to imagine what it would be like if you were my father.  If
instead of Eric I had you and Alice as my parents."

He let out a single chuckle at the notion, but the idea was surprising to
him.

"But, that was before I realised there was a much better possible
circumstance."

This time he genuinely smiled.

"I guess I just wanted to be close to you... in any possible way.... and
you being my father was, by far and wide, a much more likely eventuality
that you being my..."  I couldn't find an appropriate label for him.

He takes advantage of my distraction and leans in for a kiss.

His touch leaves me far less than capable of thinking.  "...yeah. That."

***

Mikaihail made the call later that day and post my final test the date came
to have the meeting.  That afternoon Mikaihail and I arrived at the
administration building just before the start of the interview.  We had no
control over when we were fit into the schedule so Mikaihail had to leave
work to be here.

Mikaihail sat comfortable in one of the chairs in the waiting room while I
brooded against the wall.  Arms folded, head lowered, one foot against the
wall, the other propping me against it.  For the first time I was out in
public with Mikaihail and out of my school uniform.  The new clothes did
make me look less out of place beside him in his impressive suit, but only
marginally.  It seemed such an insignificant change would do little to
bridge the gap between us.  On the positive side he had commented on the
clothes, with a grin on his face.  But I couldn't be sure that was because
of the aesthetics of the clothes or the fact they were a result of me
bending to his will and using his money.

I discreetly looked over at him.  My parents would be here any moment and,
judging by the subtleties in Mikaihail's demeanour, I was not the only one
who was affected by it.  Though he was in a relaxed position, he maintained
a resting tension most noticeable in his clenched jaw.  Mikaihail had a
deep, vitriolic hatred of even the idea of someone threatening my safety,
so someone who had already taken a swing at me was in a much worse
position.  I just hoped he could keep himself from wailing on Eric until
the meeting was over... It seemed having him here was a very bad idea.

The one thing that gave me optimism for this finishing without Eric ending
up on the ground was that fact that, even in his own brooding state, he
kept a covertly watchful eye on me and my state.  The only thing which
distracted him from ending the people who threatened me, was his all
consuming focus on keeping me protected.  Not just from others, but from
myself as well.  At least part of the tension he maintained was due to the
urge to say something to comfort me.

The significance of this place suddenly hit and I knew how I could cheer
him up.

"Hey."  I breathed, retrieving his attention.  I didn't want to
receptionist to hear.

I broke him from his brooding as he turned his head to see what I wanted.

"You remember this place right? "

It took him only a second before he smirked at the thought of what I was
referring to. "I remember a white faced schoolboy."  Unfortunately, his
deep baritone was not a sound that could be muted.

I dropped my head giggling, remembering what it was like back then.

"It was so difficult to be around you... of course I couldn't handle it." I
smiled a helpless smile at the way he could so easily neutralize me.

He placed his hand on my knee comfortingly, a wide, affectionate smile on
his face.

I took his hand with mine and squeezed.

It seemed the interview before us was running long which only served to
heighten my angst.  With how long it was taking my parents to get here, I
hoped that if we got through it quickly enough they would miss the entire
thing.

From the hallway behind the receptionist's, Mrs Coin's, desk came the
principal and the family before us.  I had to let go of Mikaihail before
anyone saw.  My heart jolted when I realised the student was Jeremy.

He was already staring hatred at me so I quickly looked away, not wanting
Mikaihail to realise who he was.  I was fairly certain Mikaihail wouldn't
beat on a school student, but he was a man with vast resources and probably
a few less than reputable connections - it would be best not to give him a
target.

Luckily, Principal McKneely quickly said his goodbyes to Jeremy's parents
and turned his attention to me.

"Caleb.  It's good to see you again..." he looks around the waiting room,
confused, "...Where are your parents?"

"They're on their way.  But I'm here for him."  Mikaihail stated with a
measure of authority.

Principal McKneely seemed a little taken aback.  He clearly was not use to
people talking to him like that in his school.  "...And you are?"

"Mike Klandinsky."  He shook the principal's hand firmly, letting him know
he had no dominion, no matter who ran the institution we were currently in.

I extended the introduction that Mikaihail clearly didn't think was
necessary.  "He's a friend of the family."  I drew Principal McKneely's
attention from trying to process Mikaihail, which was made significantly
more difficult given that Mikaihail had not let go of his hand yet.  "He's
taking care of me while my parents are going through some stuff."  I
explained ambiguously.  I could see that now his thoughts were concerning
the possible problems of my parents and not the intimidating bull of a man
before him.  Though Mikaihail was not one to be easily ignored.

I placed my hand in the small of Mikaihail's back, trying to communicate
that he didn't need to be so forceful.

He turned his attention back to me and we looked knowingly at each other.

"Shall we start the meeting."  The way Mikaihail enunciated invitations
always made them sound more like commands.

"Perhaps we should wait for Caleb's parents."  There was a slight tremble
in his own pronunciation, he sounded unsure of his words

"They might be awhile and we were hoping to discuss something with you that
will take up some of our time." I reasoned.

The Principal withdrew his hand from Mikaihail's and looked at his watch.
"We are already running behind schedule..."

"Mrs Coin you won't mind showing them through once they get here will you?"
I smiled at the receptionist as convincingly as I could.  It was becoming
more and more difficult to be deceivingly warm towards people, every day I
spent with Mikaihail just made everyone else seem more and more repugnant
by comparison.

"Of course not dear."  Though it still seemed to be convincing enough.

The principal acceded and showed us to his office.

Mikaihail lagged behind so I had to go in front of him.  On our way down
the hall he lowered his head and quietly spoke in my ear.  "So that kid
seemed to know you.  Didn't seem to like you much."  He had clearly seen
the look on Jeremy's face.

"Eh." I shrugged it off. "I don't like any of them much either."  I thought
it best to dodge his implied inquiry.

Mikaihail couldn't push it further as Principal McKneely stopped in the
hallway and motioned for us to enter his office.

Inside there were three seats in front of his desk.  I attempted to make my
way to the one which would make the principal's view of me obstructed by
some stacked trays on his desk.  Unfortunately, Mikaihail grabbed my
shoulder and forcefully ushered me into the central chair.

As I begrudgingly took the seat Mikaihail forced me into, he took the
opposite seat to the one I wanted, giving the principal nowhere to hide
from his gaze.  As I thought about it, it made sense for me to sit here -
the student flanked by both their parents.  I guessed Mikaihail had
reasoned that quicker than I had.

Principal McKneely then takes his seat, his hurried demeanour likely a
product of his inability to keep to a schedule.  "Caleb." He breathes in an
attempt to either settle himself, or to put me at ease.  If the second was
true, it was unnecessary; I never experienced anxiety when conversing with
adults... with one obvious exception.  "As you are entering the final stage
of your secondary schooling it is important to think about what you want to
do after you graduate from here.  So, the purpose of todays meeting is for
you, the school, and your parents..." his prepared speech was stifled by
the uncommon circumstance "...and guardian," I smirked, the word was
coincidentally very appropriate for Mikaihail. "To all get a more concrete
and solid idea about what areas you might want to enter once you leave.
From there we can better decide an appropriate choice of subjects, and,
next year, think about trying to get you some specialised help if you've
decided on a career path by then."

His flow abruptly stopped as he waited from something.  Perhaps it was
normal at this point for the parents, anxious about their child's future,
to ask some superfluous questions, making themselves feel useful and as if
they were adding to their child's prospects.  But neither of the people
sitting across from him had such anxieties.

"So, let's just get your records up."  He hides his face by turning his
attention to the computer on his desk and starts ineptly navigating the
unseen directories.  "...Records...  Current students... Nathanial.  Ah,
here we are."  As his reads the screen he beings to grin widely.  "Well it
looks like congratulations are in order Caleb.  With the final exam scores
in, you finished the year as the Number 1 student for your grade level."

My eyes widen in shock.  How was that even possible?  I checked the ranking
before finals started and I was still only 10th then.  Even though the
finals were much harder than any other tests during the year, I couldn't
have passed everyone else.  My B average in Sport ensured that.

I was broken from my thoughts as a familiar hand grasped and rubbed my
shoulder.  The warm feeling returned and as I turned to Mikaihail I could
see his affectionate expression now morphed with his own brand of fatherly
pride.  The expression infused me with my own sense of second order pride.
I turned my face away from his, attempting to hide from the proud man's
expression that was difficult to accept, and instead made me a little self-
conscious.

Looking back towards the principal it seemed he too was revelling in the
achievement.  His pride, however, made me feel nothing but contempt.  My
success had nothing to do with him and, more importantly, the only person I
wanted to let into my life was Mikaihail.  His intrusion on this moment
diseased it.

I instead looked back at the principal coldly.  He coughed uncomfortably as
he looked at Mikaihail, whose expression I could not see.  "Yes, yes..." He
tried to recover. "...It seems many of the other top student's averages in
the core subjects declined with the final results, but not yours.  And with
your much-improved marks in Physical Education this term, your average
improved greatly."

I tried very hard to maintain my detached expression but I was shocked by
his last statement.  I hadn't even handed in my final assignment for Mr
Steven's class.  Given how much he detested me, it was difficult to believe
he would not have taken the opportunity to fail me.  Instead he must have
given me close to a perfect score... Had he read something into my not
submitting that I hadn't intended?

"Well it certainly seems that your marks won't hinder any future prospects
you might have.  Have you given any thought to the subjects you want to
take next year?"  He was clearly trying to hurry this along.

"Well actually Principal McKneely, I was hoping to make a special request
about that."

"And what was that?"  He seemed interested by my question, but more so
about the possible hassle it would be.  Perhaps my fight with Jeremy was
still fresh in his mind, and he saw me as a student who didn't care for
proper conduct.

Mikaihail decided to take charge.  "Caleb wants to fit his last two years
into one."  Mikaihail had clearly also read the principal's tenor in
response to my request, and he wasn't going to allow him not to take the
request seriously.

"Well, that's not really a pathway of study we offer at this school."
There was hesitation in his voice.  He really wanted to avoid possibly
antagonising Mikaihail.

I knew that to get what I wanted we would need more than a threatening
undercurrent.  "Well the school has actually previously been very flexible
about study loads.  Students need at least 10 course units over their last
two years to graduate.  Most students tend to take only 5 courses a year,
but I've heard of some who take 6 both years because they want to take many
courses, some who try 6 but drop down to 5, I've also heard of a few cases
where students have taken 6 the first year and dropped down to 4 the next,
and some students who take three years to complete all 10 units."

Listening to me, it was clear he now knew I was serious about this; I had
done all the research to make my case.

"That is all true Caleb, but we've never had a student take more than six
subjects a year.  It's not the convention of the school."

"Well a convention with no reason behind it certainly isn't one worth
observing."

"The reason," he begins with an authoritative tone, but it drops when his
eyes flick to Mikaihail, "is that it would be too much for a student. Most
students who attempt even a six subject study load end up dropping one of
their subjects.  It is just too much for most."

"You just finished congratulating Caleb on being the Number 1 student."
Mikaihail interjects with a hard tone.

"Yes. And while that it an accomplishment to be proud of, that does not
make him twice as capable as the other students."

This time Mikaihail's tone is not hard but undeniably angry, offended by
Principal McKneely's remark about my ability.  "Caleb is an incredibly
dedicated student.  He always finishes work as soon as it is assigned.  He
is bored most of the time with his schoolwork and many of his teachers have
simply given him the curriculum and allow him to learn self- directedly."

 "I'm sure my teachers would support this, knowing how quickly I work." I
turn my head slightly to try and let Mikaihail know he was coming off a
little strong.

The principal was very uneasy about disagreeing with Mikaihail, but he
hadn't completely relinquished his claim of power over the school.
"Caleb's study load as Grade 10 student is not comparable to what will be
expected of him as a senior."

Mikaihail seemed to notice my attempted communication and takes a deep
breath to steady himself.  "I know Caleb is more than capable to take this
on or he wouldn't be asking for it.  If you feel that he may not be ready
then why don't we agree on a trial period."  Again, the inflection did not
communicate a question.

"...what would you suggest?"

"We give Caleb the load he wants on a trial for the first three months.
And if he receives anything less than 'A' on any assessment we revert to a
regular study load."

Was he serious?  Mikaihail clearly thought too much of me.  Even I got the
occasional A-.  When an English teacher disagreed with my interpretation of
a work.  Or in Science or Maths, when I've worked out the correct answer
but not with the method intended by the teacher.

But after a second of reflection I felt a twinge of self-hatred.  If
Mikaihail saw me that way, then I would not let him down.  I would be the
partner he deserves.  I would make sure of it.

Looking back towards the principal it was clear he was not very happy with
the idea, but his self-preservation told him not to disagree with
Mikaihail.  And without a legitimate reason not to, it seemed he had little
choice but the give the man what he wanted.  Besides, he clearly thought I
wouldn't make it past the three month period.

"Okay... that sounds acceptable."  He was still trying to maintain the
perception of power.  I almost felt worried for him, Mikaihail wouldn't
allow that for much longer if he persisted.

"Well if Caleb wants next year to be his last then we will also need to
have a careers talk, whenever it suits you." He sounded relieved that the
meeting was quickly coming to a close.

"Now suits us perfectly." Mikaihail quickly shot back.

The principal cleared his throat uncomfortably.  His initial response
seemed to be to try and escape from the situation but he then re-evaluated.
That would mean having to antagonise Mikaihail again, it would also mean
having to see him again, and, more legitimately, the allotted time for our
meeting was not even close to over.

"If we get it done quickly, we might be able to fit it in."  Again he was
trying not to completely relinquish his position of power... I was starting
to feel uncomfortable for him - I certainly wouldn't want to be on the
receiving end of Mikaihail's boiling anger.  "Do you have an idea about the
career you might pursue, Caleb?"

A few months ago the question would have been answered without
hesitation... but things had changed so much.  "...Not really."

"What about becoming a surgeon?"  Mikaihail spoke in a genuinely interested
(and slightly concerned) manner, like there was only the two of us in the
room.

I turned to see his caring expression.  I couldn't really give him a
satisfying answer. "...Just not so sure anymore."

The lack of satisfaction was clear on his face.  Mikaihail instead turns to
Principal McKneely and calmly, coldly, requests/commands.  "Could you leave
us for a moment."

The principal was stunned at the idea that someone would even suggest he
would leave his own office, but given the current climate of the room he
must have thought it a welcome option.  "Ah... of course."  He awkwardly
gets up and leaves the room.

As the door closes I turn to Mikaihail with an expression of mixed
disbelief, amusement, and affection (only Mikaihail would be that
imperious).  "You do realise you just asked the principal of this entire
school to leave his own office?"

Mikaihail grunts off the implication that he had done something he
shouldn't have.  "I pay that guys salary in tax."

I laughed in humorous disbelief.  "Nice yardstick you're using."  I shake
my head and take advantage of the time alone.  "You know, having you here,
I was hoping you'd be persuasive-businessman-Mikaihail, not
Brobdingnagian-intimidating-Mikaihail."

Again, Mikaihail grunts off the implication, throwing his head to the
opposite side of me.  "He's just another small man.  They all try to act
big but when you show them who's boss, they can't get on their knees and
open their mouths fast enough.  Just like the rest."

The residue of the situation was clearly still having an impact on his
demeanour, and what he wouldn't usually be willing to say.  I wasn't sure
how I felt about what he had said.  Did he see sex as demeaning?  ...Then
again, that was a typical guy thing... and I'm sure his agitation with the
situation was greatly heightened by the fact that the principal wasn't
standing in the way of him.  No.  He was standing in the way of me.

"...You don't think of me that way, do you?" It was impossible for my head
not to go there.

He rises from hischair and moves in front of me.  He takes my hand in his
and uses it to pull me up, out of my chair.  He leans back on the desk and
he leads me between his legs, resting my hand on his shoulder before
encircling me with his arms.  His eyes trained on me.

"No Caleb. When I'm touching you like that... feeling your naked body,
tasting your skin, your lips, your tongue, watching you sweat... seeing
that face you make," he smirks devilishly thinking about it, "hearing you
whimper, knowing what it's like to touch you deep beneath your skin, where
only I will ever get to... holding you tightly while you look at me, giving
yourself to me completely... The way I feel staring into your eyes, at that
moment, the one thing I'm certain of is that - it isn't me who has the
upper hand."

My heart broke with his words.  I wanted to give him a passionate kiss to
let him know how his words have struck me, but all it eventuates as is me
falling into him, wrapping my arms tightly around his thick neck and hiding
my face against him.  He tightly curls me up in his muscled arms and
lightly kisses my head.

I took a deep breath to recover, returning my face in front of his.  "Well
I can tell you, when I feel you, my *big* Mikaihail... inside me... the
last thing I'm thinking is that I have any control."

He smirks again.  "Of course you don't.  I didn't say anything about
control." I smirked back at him, at his usual cocksure self. I moved in and
we kiss smoothly, caringly.  I hold on his lips with my own, not wanting
the connection to end.

"Caleb." He snaps me out of my trance.

"Right. Principal's office."

I let go of him and he lets me out of his grip as I fall back into my
chair.

Not liking the distance, he uses his foot to hook one of the chair legs and
drags it directly in front of his open legs.

I look up at him and smirked.  This seemed to be in direct contrast to what
he had just finished saying.

"So?" he stares directly at me... between his legs.

"So?"

"Surgery."

"Right."  I looked down to hide from his inquiry; that unfortunately put me
staring squarely at his impressive bulge.  I coughed uncomfortably in
reaction and quickly moved my gaze to his thigh.  "It doesn't really hold
the same interest anymore."

"Caleb."  He commanded.  He wasn't letting me dodge this one.

"Surgery was a great career choice... before."

"Before what?"

I returned my gaze to his with a doubtful confusion - surely he was joking.
"...Before I took a shower at your place."

He chuckled in masculine pride.  "What does that matter?"

Maybe he just hadn't thought about the practicalities.  "Medicine... it's
unlikely for me to get undergraduate admission, and even if I did, that
means at least 6 years before I finish just the initial training.  And
surgery? At least a few more years of specialised training.  The university
course will be intense and time consuming, but once I start placements at
hospitals the hours will be merciless, 100 plus hour weeks, on call for the
time I am off, sometimes so short I'd just have to spend it in the hospital
sleeping." I swallowed hard, trying to keep it logical and not let the
emotions out. "Even living with you... I'd leave early, get home
late... I'd barely see you..." I have to stop as my voice breaks.  "Now
that I'm with you... I can't... I can't do that."

"Caleb of course you could."  He throws off the statement.  "Plenty of
people go through that, and you're more capable than every one of them."

"I... I doubt I'd be able to be away from you that much."  He was about to
interject but I just continued; I knew what he'd say.  "Part of it is that
I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle not having you there for so
much of that time..." I became even more serious, "...But, so much more
importantly, I would never choose to do it anymore.  I love you.  You're
everything to me.  I want to make you happy like you make me.  I would
never dedicate that much of myself, or my time, in service to anyone, or
anything, but you. Not.  Any. More"

"Caleb."  I knew by his tone he hadn't disregarded what I had said, as I
feared.  No, I could tell by his tone that what I had said had affected
him.  I knew, because he sounded sad.

He took my hand in his as he continued.  "You're not going to throw away
your life for me."  For once it didn't sound like a command; instead it was
hypnotically sincere.  "Becoming a surgeon was all you wanted."

"Wanted." I repeated. "I don't even know if I was ever really interested in
it.  Maybe I just wanted to do it because it was what you're supposed to do
if you're smart."

"That doesn't sound like you, Caleb."  He was sure of it.

"And you're okay with barely seeing me?"  I knew this had to be a deal
breaker.

"We'd work it out Caleb. Move things around. Make special arrangements."

"Even if all our contact amounts to is me waking you up as I get out of
bed, and then waking you up again as I collapse on top of you?

"Well there'd have to be at least one more thing we'd do between those two
things." He smirked.

I exhaled a laugh.  "You'd really be okay with that...?"  I looked at him
weakly.  "'Cause I wouldn't be."  I took an uneasy breath.

"Caleb, I swear, I would never let you get to a point you couldn't handle.
I'd do anything to make it easier for you, anything to keep you beside me
as long as possible.  I'd get you a personal assistant," he attempts to
generate a spontaneous list.  "I'd buy an RV and hire a driver, so you
could study or sleep on your way to and from things. We could move close to
a hospital." A little frustration coming through.  "Or I'd build a whole
damn hospital right next to our house." He took a moment. "I'd do
anything."

I lowered my head.  This future of ours seemed far bleaker than I had ever
imagined ours would be.  "You might be a man of means Mikaihail.  But you
certainly couldn't afford to build a hospital."

He shrugs.  "Gives me something to work towards while you're studying." He
takes another moment.  "And I would always be there for you.  Ready to hold
you.  Just to make you feel okay."  He brings his free hand to my face,
gently holding my cheek, retrieving my gaze.  "And because I'd need you
too."

That warmed me, but I was far from happy about the prospect.

"You have a whole life ahead of you Caleb. You have to live it.  Live a
whole life."

With that last statement another thought hit me.  My face whitened with the
thought.

"Caleb?"

I had to say this in just the right way.  "It's a lot of time I'd be
spending away from you for those years of study... and maybe it would be
worth it in the end - to live a whole life.  But... what if it doesn't get
that far?"

"What?"

"Well you're betting on something you can't know."

"What?" He repeats.

I looked into his eyes, a harrowing feeling written all over me.  "What if
we don't have decades... what if we barely even have years?"

"Caleb you can't think like that..."

I cut him off.  "Don't you *dare* tell me that." But I wasn't
hostile... only desperate.  "I think about it all the time, sometimes I
can't think of anything else."  The safe, the passports, the gun, the
possible intruder.  "And I know that you're exactly the same."

"Yes I am."  He looked back at me, solemnly, gravely. "But that doesn't
mean you can live your life in fear."

I couldn't look at him.  "That's all I want to do.  Hold onto you for as
long as I can, before what will inevitably happen."

"...No matter when that happens."  This time his familiar anger re-emerged
with the thoughts of my mortal vulnerability.  "Every day together will be
happy, our own kind of paradise.  It's not an all or nothing deal.  You
don't have to throw your life away.  We will be happier than anyone AND you
will become a doctor.  I promise, it would never be as bad as you're
picturing. It can't be.  It's you and me.  Mikaihail and his little Caleb."
That brought a genuine smile to my face.  That was the first time he had
used his real name since I had met him.

I don't know how he did it, but I really felt better about the prospect
now.

He exhales defeatedly, knowing he could do little more.  He pulls me up
into a hug.  "Give it time.  It will get easier.  I promise, My Caleb."

I grab onto him, letting his feeling, which always made things better, fill
me.  We remained motionless for a long moment.

"We'd better get that idiot back in here." He surrendered.

We had been alone for a while now.

I moved the seat back while Mikaihail opened the door.  He greeted the
principal back into the room and he took his seat with a little agitation.

"Caleb's going to enter medical school after he graduates."  Mikaihail
announces matter-of- factly.

Judging by the look on his face, Principal McKneely seemed to think that
Mikaihail was forcing me to do it.  But he clearly wasn't going to dare
confront that possibility with Mikaihail still in the room.

"Okay.  Well, it's difficult to get direct entry to medical school from
high school.  Most admitted students have already finished an undergraduate
degree."  He stopped going down that stream of thought, probably
remembering Mikaihail's anger at the implied limits to my capability.  "But
to get in you will need near perfect marks, give a flawless interview, and
take the UMAT.  The Undergraduate Medical Admission Test.  It's given a few
times during the year and I would suggest studying specifically for it.
You will need the preparation." He abruptly stops again, probably
remembering the same thing.  "It is a notoriously difficult test."

"Okay."  I remarked unconcerned.

"As for subjects, that means Caleb will need to take both year's Biology,
Chemistry, Advanced English, and Advanced Mathematics..."

"Some institutions also require Physics." I added.

"A regular load of 5 subjects, three classes a week for each subject, fills
an entire timetable.  Students who take 6 subjects have to organise what
classes they do and don't attend.  You will only be able to attend half the
classes in each subject, and you will probably want to attend more of the
Grade 12 level classes.  So your teachers will have to be comfortable with
letting you learn self-directedly.  And your teachers will flag classes you
must attend, such as exams, practical demonstrations, that sort of thing;
so you can plan around important lessons."  He was probably being so easy
because he thought I'd never get past the trial period.

Mikaihail cleared his throat in response.  He clearly wanted to say
something.  "Could you leave us again."

Both Principal McKneely and I could not believe what Mikaihail had just
said.  He had spent longer outside the room than in.  With only a very
small degree of resistance this time he leaves us once again.

"You cannot be serious."

"What?" He genuinely did not understand my reaction.

I rolled my eyes.  "What is it this time?"

"Your subjects."

"What about them?"

"What about Business? You were always good at it, always the Number 1."

I hung my head.  I knew I'd have to admit to one of the things I was least
proud of.  I got up out of my chair and took a seat in his lap.

Mikaihail smiled at my dependence.

I couldn't look into his eyes as I continued.  "You know how I keep saying
that I've been in love with you for three years?"

He grinned at the pleasing fact as he nodded very self-satisfied.

"Well it started as two long years of seeing you every week for a dinner
and... well...  nothing else."

His expression changed, not really sure where I was going with this.

"I only took Business Management," I looked back to him meekly, "so I would
have an excuse to talk to you."

It was my turn to be confused, Mikaihail emotionless, stoic, reaction not
being what I had expected.  He looked at me like I was alien.  He swallowed
hard.

I stared deeper into his eyes to try and get a sense of him, anxious about
what this reaction could mean.  But it didn't take long for the farce to be
broken.  The reason was because tears started welling in his eyes.

"...Caleb."

I couldn't help but let out a single surprised laugh.

He was mentally trying to stop, but these weren't the kind of tears you
should stifle with anger.  They were in reaction to something far too
tender.

He squeezes his eyelids shut and hides his face with his palm.

"Goddamnit Caleb." He sounded begrudgingly, almost angrily, affectionate.
"No one has ever done this to me before."

"Hey."  He gave up on hiding it and let his palm fall as I drew his
attention.  "At least I'm not the only blubbering idiot in this
relationship anymore."

"You'll pay for this."  He threatened affectionately.

"I look forward to it."  I smiled at the big guy with tears in his eyes.

"...You're becoming a surgeon."  He unnecessarily reclaimed his dominance.

"Okay." I gave him his win.

***

After a few more minor details were worked out we still exited the meeting
slightly earlier than we were scheduled to.  Principal McKneely said his
goodbyes with attempted warmth, but he was glad to see us go... likely
Mikaihail more so than me.  He led the next family, whose child I didn't
even recognise, down the hallway to his office.

"Caleb dear," Mrs Coin begins, "The year-end rankings are posted outside if
you want to see them."  She of course knew the results - having been the
one who posted them.

"Actually..." I was about to decline when I noticed that Mikaihail's face
had lit up at the prospect, a proud smile plastered on his face.

The office had two exits: the visitor's entrance, which was connected to
the school's entrance pathway, and the student's entrance, which lead
deeper into the school campus.  The ranking were always posted on the walls
of the office beside the student entrance.  I lightly grabbed Mikaihail's
forearm as I started leading him to the exit we hadn't originally entered
from.

As we were about the exit, a familiar voice called me, "Caleb."

Alice had just arrived, staring directly at me and Mikaihail.  I took my
hand away from his arm as I looked back towards her.  She looked rather
flustered, red in the face and hair slightly dishevelled.  It seemed likely
to me that she had argued with Eric, trying to get him to come.  As she was
alone, she had clearly failed.

She walked over to us and smiled personable at Mikaihail.  "Is the meeting
over already?"

"Yes."  I answered for him. "Started at 3:30, ended 3:45.  It's now 3:46."
I didn't conclude anything, but the accusation was impossible to miss.

"Oh, that's a shame.  Sorry I missed it."  She smiled in a motherly way at
me, as if this was just another day and nothing had happened at our last
encounter.  As she took a closer look at me she noticed something.  It took
me a second to realise she was examining my clothes; clothes she knew she
wasn't the one who bought them for me.

"That's okay.  Mikaihail is here for me."  I avoided the past-tense. "He is
more than enough support."

She looked back at me for a second of silence.

Alice wasn't like everybody else, she was my mother, she had known me
longer than I had known myself.  My choice of words could be overlooked, or
seen as quips, by anyone else: but not her.  She knew my very precise
intention behind them.

"Caleb.  Can I speak to you alone."  A twinge of fear spiked, but I
contained it well.

I turned to Mikaihail.  I could see the concern in his face he was trying
to hide, so I looked up at him with a warm face to try and reassure him.
"The ranking are just outside that door."

He gave a false smile and pretended the situation wasn't awkward.  "I'll go
have a look then."  He grasped my shoulder and patted it as he left, like
he wanted Alice to know how comfortable he and I were.

As soon as Mikaihail left, Alice turned and led the way to the other exit.
She didn't get far before she turned back towards me.

"I decided to join the mayoral race."

She looked like she wanted to hug me but I looked back at her without any
response, verbal or non-verbal.  Taking the advice I had given her in no
way made amends.

A stern look came across her face.

"This has gone on long enough Caleb."

"What has?"  I coldly shot back.

"You need to come home."

"No."  I spoke without emotion.

She stared at me, trying to exert her motherly influence.  "Our family
problems are between the family.  You cannot just push someone in the
middle of them."

"Family problems?  That's a nice way to put child abuse."

"You know your father.  He would not have done what he did if you
hadn't..." She stopped.

"Really?  You're going to blame the victim?  'He wouldn't have done that if
you did what you were supposed to.'  Is that what you would tell yourself
if he tried to hit you?" Again, no emotion.

She was stunned.  I was not the person she was used to dealing with.  Not
anymore.

"Mike is only doing this for us as a favour.  You cannot stay with him like
this."  The fact that she didn't imply his situation was temporary meant
she was well aware Mikaihail wanted a divorce, that this was not a simple
separation.

"He doesn't seem to mind.  He actually seems to like having someone to talk
to.  But, if he wanted me to go, then I'd go.  But I won't go back to that
house.  That wouldn't even be my last option.  Certainly, not if he's
there."

"Caleb.  You want me to choose between my husband and my child?"  Even as
she asked, she wasn't sincere.  She was trying to validate me, but she had
no intention of making that choice.

"No Alice."  I reverted to using her first name. "You've already made the
choice.  You made it *every single day* that I was in that house."

Treating me like an adult wasn't working for her.  "You are coming home
with me *today* Caleb."

"No."

"Caleb, if I have to get the police down here, I will."

"I wonder how they would react to hearing about the other night?"

"It wouldn't stop anything Caleb, you're still my child."

"Maybe not, but it would end up on a police report.  Be filed in the police
station.  Where anyone who wanted to discredit a politician might find it."
She looked at me like she couldn't believe how far I was taking this.  "And
even if it didn't, it may just happen to become a story in the local
newspaper."  I let the implication sink in.  "And even then I'd still leave
again. And this time, not somewhere you could find me."

She didn't respond for a while, trying to figure out how to proceed.  But
she was clearly at a loss of what to do.  She had come here today without
any notion that I wouldn't come back with her, but now that wasn't so easy.

I took advantage of her silence.  "I want you to give Mikaihail legal
guardianship over me."

She stared back at me with an 'are you serious?' expression.  "No.  That
will never happen.  We're your parents and that's it."

"It would just make things easier for all of us.  He can sign school
documents, take me to the doctor, that sort of thing."

"No Caleb.  Stop trying to make this happen.  I will not let you leave this
family."

"You can fight me on this if you want to Alice, but you should probably
think about it."

She is caught off guard by the subtle threat.

"I got the final year I wanted.  That means I've got 12 months left of
school. After that I don't ever have to come back, I can do whatever I
want, see whoever I want... or *not* see whoever I want."  I let the
statement sink in.  "You can push me away if you want to, but this is the
last year I have to be here, so decide now if you want a relationship with
me after that."  As I looked at her, I could see I had gotten my way.  Or
at least I would eventually.  I knew I had won this, just as I knew I
would.

As it slowly dawned on her, I could see the pain in her eyes, at the
prospect of losing her only child.  But I couldn't continue on with my old
existence.  Mikaihail had changed me and now it was impossible to exist as
her child anymore, I would need to be beside Mikaihail for the rest of my
life.

Before she could gather herself I calmly turned and headed back towards the
office building.

I quickly entered and left the office to find Mikaihail absorbed in the
large posters of ranking fixed to the wall of the building.  I took my
place beside him and joined in his attention of the posted rankings.

It didn't take him long before he put his arm around me and drew me closer
to his body.  "Everything okay?"

He had clearly been stewing out here.  "Nothing to worry about."  I knew
I'd have to go into more detail eventually, but it would be better saved
once we were out of public.

As I looked at the names on the poster, mine was atop everyone else's in
the overall rankings.  It was the first time that had been the case, but I
couldn't be happy about it - I knew I hadn't earned the spot.  Sure, I
thought of myself as much smarter than anyone of my classmates, but I was
only Number 1 because of Mr Stevens.  The achievement was not legitimate.

I looked up at Mikaihail, knowing I should tell him.  Tell him about Mr
Stevens, the parking lot, the attempted sexual assault, the blackmail...
But I knew, so much more, that I couldn't.  Mikaihail's response would be
so intense that the result would be unavoidable.  And that wasn't right,
knowingly having him end up in prison by murdering someone.  Not only was
it not the right thing to do, it was not a reality I could continue to live
in.

"We should celebrate tonight."  He announces with noticeable pride.

"We should have sex." I suggest with exaggerated enthusiasm of celebrating.

"How about we don't do something we do every night." He resists the bait of
my tone.

"You're right," I exclaim.  "We should *not* have sex."

This bait being too much for him.  "We'll see how that works out for you."
He laughs, very full of himself.

He changes the subject.  "You sure about giving up on business?"  The idea
seemed to sour him.

I didn't really understand his attachment to it.  "Did you want me to work
with you?"

His face let me know I had hit the nail on the head.  "Well, I might have
thought it would be nice to have you beside me while I worked."

I wasn't sure exactly what he meant.  "...Like, be your personal
assistant?"

He turns his face to look directly at mine.  "Would that really be so bad?"

"Mikaihail."  I start incredulously.  "I already am 100% committed to
satisfying you as your partner, and yes, while that does come with an
amount of servitude-like qualities, it is still very different from
literally functioning as your servant."  He seemed to only like what I was
saying, not seeing how demeaning it was.  "And while I may not be
particularly invested in my future career... I still have self-respect."

He lets out a unrestrained laugh.  "You can try to hide it, My Caleb, but
you're still as proud and headstrong as you ever were."

He didn't get it.

Mikaihail pulled me even closer into his body as he started us walking past
the posters and through the deserted school.

"How come you did so much better in Physical Education?"

"It was a theory term."

"On what?"

"Sexual education."

I didn't need to look, I could literally feel the permeation of his smirk.

"Yeah.  I think I got a lot more practical experience than the curriculum
intended."

"You should have told me.  If I had known about the educational benefit, I
would have made sure we did it twice as much."

I looked up at my incredibly virile mate, unsure of the prospect of having
to that intense experience twice as much.  "But if you did that, I doubt
I'd be in a state to take my finals."

He laughs with masculine pride.  "Don't worry, My Little Caleb, I'll always
take good care of you."

It was nice and peaceful, walking alone with him through the empty school,
but after what had been said in the Principal's office, it didn't take long
for those nagging thoughts to come back into my mind.

"Could you be brutally honest with me?"

He flinched at the question.  "The last time you asked me to agree to
something before knowing what it was, didn't turn out so well."

I looked up at him sincerely, with a hint of desperation.

He exhales, defeated. "Okay."

"Why do you want me to become a doctor?  As long as I'm with you, why does
it matter what else I do?"

"Caleb..." He starts, but seems confounded on how to continue.  "You're
just a little young.  You'll understand when you're older."

I really didn't like that answer, it just seemed like a copout.  But I was
pretty sure I already knew the real answer.  "You don't have to pretend.
You know that, right?"

"Pretend?"

I stopped walking and looked up into his eyes.  "If it's that I'm not
enough for you, I understand.  I never thought I was."

It seemed it was his turn to dislike an answer, only his dislike was
discernibly more angry.  "Caleb!"  He turns his head in an uncomfortably
restrained way, trying to suppress his reaction.  "Where could this
possibly come from?  I've said it before.  If I was selfish enough, I would
have just thrown you on a plane and never looked back."  He smirked as he
laughed in a kind of unbelieving amusement.  It seemed my bipolar nature
was rubbing off on him.  "I certainly wouldn't be putting up with all this
shit."  He leaned his face closer to mine.  "Show you how stupid what you
just said was."

"You're the one who said it." I answered his initial question.

"Said what."

"You said I'd get bored, if we left and never saw anyone else again.  But
*I* know *I* would never get bored of you, so the only place that thought
could have come from is because of how you see it.  You said bored because
that is how it would be for you."

"No," he said very authoritatively.  "I..." but again he was confounded on
how to continue.  "You..."

I cut him off, I knew by the look on his face what he was going to say.
"I'm too young to understand?"  I let my tone convey how illegitimate I
believed that answer to be.

Instead of being annoyed or frustrated, his smirked re-emerged.  "Okay,
Caleb.  I'll tell you what."

"What?"  I smirked back, calling his bluff.  There was no way out of this
for him.

"It will take you 10 years before you're a fully-fledged doctor, right?"

"If everything goes according to plan."

"It will."  He jerks his head, ignoring the technicality.  "Okay.  If in
ten years, you still want us to fly away to Aruba, live in the mountains,
hide in an underwater dome, whatever...  Just the two of us. No one else.
*Ever* again... Then okay."

"Seriously?"  Though I always idolised that reality, I never seriously
thought it would happen.  There was just too much in the way of that ever
being a realistic option.

"Yes.  The day you become Dr. Caleb.  If you want to: we're gone."

"I'll actually be known as a Doctor a while before I'm done with all the
training."  I corrected.

"You know what I mean."

I thought about it for a moment and laughed in surprise.  "You're really so
sure I'll cave?"

"Oh, I pretty sure you will."  He leaned in and gave me another
soul-stealing kiss.  He retreated only an inch and breathed, "But I'll be
hoping you don't."

I couldn't help but smile, too gleefully that it infracted upon the
demeanour I tried to maintain.  "You really need to stop doing that in
public."

He smiles and starts walking us again.

When I thought about it, ten years was a good time frame.  Duncan would be
an adult by then and, judging by his father, he'll want to be as
independent as possible as soon as he can be.  We wouldn't be much a part
of his life by that point anyway.

After a few more steps another thought hits me.

"I can't become a doctor."  I realised.

"Why?"

"Your rule: no touching. I'm going to have to touch people for things like
physicals, and once I'm a surgeon, I'll be touching all kinds of their
insides."

He looked at me blankly.  "You mean in, what, like three years?"

"Yeah."  I assumed cadavers didn't count.

"...How about we talk about it... in three years."

I sighed, annoyed by his disinterest in my degree of planning.

"You know, you're going to regret making me do this once I totally
emasculate you by being the one in the relationship with the biggest pay
check."

He laughs, unfazed by the threat... Mikaihail's masculinity wasn't bound by
money...

"That'll never happen."  I looked doubtfully at him.  "I'm the one buying
you the hospital remember?"  He grins at my expression.  "Besides, maybe
you should be careful about diminishing the man who decides how hard you
get fucked."  Finishing with a wink.

***

That night, after freshly showering, I came out of the en-suite to find him
lying in bed, down to the underwear he would sleep in, shoulders against
the frame, reading a book we had brought that afternoon.  I guess the book
had kept him occupied and that was why he hadn't interrupted my
shower... That made me feel a little better, I didn't think it would have
mattered he already had one while I was engrossed in one of my own books.

I carelessly mentioned that there were preparation guides for the UMAT and
he wouldn't go home until we got some.  It simply couldn't wait for another
day.

I was feeling pretty lifeless after the events of the afternoon so I moved
to the foot of the bed and gently plonked myself down on top of him.  I
remained motionless, having fallen between his legs, my head on his abs, my
arms holding onto his lower torso, the hairs on his stomach gently
caressing the ball of my eye as I blankly stared out the window.

He let me remain for a while before removing his attention from the book.

"You sure you will be okay taking this test at the start of the year."

"Hm."  I could only murmur.  I was too exhausted and comfortable to give
him more of a response.

He moved the book aside so he could get a look at me.  "You going to come
up here?"

I drudged out some words.  "I'm comfortable."

He gave an exaggerated exhale before retiring the book to the bedside table
and pulling me up his frame.  "But I prefer you up here."  He rolled us to
the side, my head resting on his muscular upper arm.

"You're probably the first man to ever say that to his partner."  His
attention livening me up somewhat.

"Well I can't kiss you when you're down there."

"Yeah."  I wasn't sure if he was leading me.  "But I can kiss you down
there."

He laughs with a muted heartiness, being somewhat tired himself.  "I don't
want you doing that."

"You seemed to like it in your office..." An unpleasant though hit me.  "Am
I that bad?"

He laughs again, this time more salacious.  "No."

His answer was a little too short to be convincing.  "Hey, I'm willing to
put in the hours of practice to get better for you."

He shakes his head in amusement.  "Having you do that was
*very*... incredible.  I just prefer it when I get to..." he stopped
"...Could you just let it go for now, My Caleb?"

"That's rich,
Mr. I'm-Not-Going-To-Let-You-Move-Until-You-Explain-To-Me-Every-
Minutiae-of-Thought-To-Me."

He readjusts himself while smiling.  "Well instead of doing 'that' for me,
how about you do this for me?"

I gave him a weak glare, he was way too good at turning arguments around.
"Fine.  But this isn't over.  We're going to share this bed *many* times
and you're not going to be able to avoid it for long."

His smile widens at the idea of our prolonged, intimate future.  "I don't
know what I did, but I thank God I have you."

I raise a eyebrow, confused.  "I really don't think God had anything to do
with this... or anything at all for that matter."

He took his turn to be confused.  "How can you not believe in God?"

"...Well I gave up fairytales a long time ago."  I retorted a little too
condescendingly.

Instead of being offended he just laughs, like he couldn't believe why I
would think it.  "Caleb.  When I looked in your eyes and how amazing you
are, and how amazing it is that I have you - there's no doubt - there has
to be a God."

"No Mikaihail." He had unwittingly sent me into argument mode.  "You're
just too caught up in your subjective experience to realise this is
actually something that has to happen."

He clearly thought I was playing on psychologism.

I tried to come up with a way to explain it to him.  "Well, take IQ for
example."

"IQ?"  He mimicked my derision.

"Well most people have an IQ around 100, but there's people who are duller
than normal, who fall lower on the continuum, and there people who are
smarter who fall higher on the continuum.  But if you just keep looking
higher and higher on that continuum, you find geniuses, people who are
beyond geniuses..."

"People like you."  He interrupts.

I unwilling accept the compliment with a crooked smile; I wasn't going to
be derailed.  "...and at the very end there is a person who is *the*
smartest."  I steel my eyes to let him know I was about to get to my point.
"And I'm sure that person's family think it's a blessing from 'God', and
they have some divine purpose for the gift of their intelligence, but what
they don't realise is - it is a certainty that someone is that smart.
There *has* to be someone at the end of the continuum, someone who is the
smartest, it would be impossible for someone like that *not* to exist."

The look on his face didn't inspire confidence he had gotten my point.

"So it's not 'God' given intelligence, it's simply the nature of varying
intelligence, there has to be a smartest person and that person has to be
incredibly smarter than the average person.  It's certainty that that
person exists."

He looked almost there.

I would need a little more explanation.  "Now take couple's happiness.
Each couple has an amount of happiness, most are average, some are unhappy,
some are happier than most.  But if you keep going up that continuum,
seeing happier and happier couples as you go, you will eventually come to
the very end of the continuum, to the happiest couple... to us."

He smirked, very self-satisfied.

"So it is not 'God' given happiness, it's just the nature of varying
happiness.  One couple *has* to be the happiest couple, that is just how it
works."  I looked at him, hoping he'd understood.

"Okay." He started.  "But it's *not* just any couple, it's *us*, *we're*
the happiest."

I quickly retort.  "But it *has* to be *a* couple... so why not us?"

He looked at me like I was really grasping at straws.

"So you don't feel lucky at all?  That we get to be together?"

"No! Of course not! I feel incredibly lucky...  But," He smirks mockingly,
"'luck' is just a human construct; it doesn't actually exist."

"Now you're just trying to sound smart."  He accuses lightly.

I rolled my eyes at him, taking my turn to mock.

He hums a guttural laugh before going in for a series of kisses.

He retreats too soon and leaves me begging for more.  I breathe uneasy,
trying to recover from both my unexpected physical arousal and my
disappointment that he didn't go further.

He looks back at me with a satisfied smile, like he could see my internal
issues.

"Want to play a game of hypotheticals?"

I groaned.  I had introduced hypotheticals as a way to gain insight into
Mikaihail, what I hadn't foreseen was how obsessed he would become with it.
This was the third time since that night he had initiated it.  Not that any
time he did, he ask any pertinent questions.  He appeared to simply enjoy
experiencing my process of answering.

"Sure." I replied with a hint of annoyance.  "If you were in this bed,
right now, in the exact situation, would you rather take me in a
passionate, primal, heated, lustful fury... or play a game of
hypotheticals?"

He chuckled in a kind of infantilising amusement.  "You have no idea how
cute it is when you want it so badly."

I rolled my eyes.  "Which is stupid considering you're the one whose sexual
appetite borders on lechery."

He chuckles again.  "Yes.  But the difference is, I know it's going to
happen.  As soon as I want to, I can take it.  Doesn't matter to me, I will
have thoroughly fucked you before we get out of this bed again.  And
teasing you, watching you practically beg for it with your whimpering
expression, will never stop being fun."

"You shouldn't be so cavalier about teasing the person who has the utter
most intimate access to the very sensitive parts of your body." I
threatened, not so lightly.  His restraint wasn't as ironclad as he made it
out to be - once it had been initiated, he was almost completely incapable
of stopping himself.  If I ever literally did 'beg,' I truly doubted his
ability to contain his urge.

He again laughed, finding only humour in the threat.

He continued to just stare an affectionate stare.  I knew I wasn't getting
out of this and, judging by his previous statement, his patience would last
a lot longer than mine.

"Fine... what's the situation?"

His affectionate expression remained as he asked.  "What would you do if I
cheated on you?"

The question hit me like he had slogged me, right into my heart.  But his
light expression remained.  How could he not understand how awful that
would be for me to consider?

"What would you do if I cheated on you?"  I turned the question back on
him.

In an instant his face darkened at the prospect.  That now familiar
vitriolic hatred began to twist his face.  But he fought it, as if he had
made the decision that my answer was worth this.

He restrained himself as he spoke.  "Does the person know about us?"

I didn't really think that was important in terms of betrayal.  "Sure." I
shrugged.

"Well then I'd have some alone time with this guy and make sure he knew
how... 'upset' I was at what he had done to you."  The way he said it was
eerily dark.  "Make sure doing it again was something he was incapable of."

His eyes returned from the fictitious and back to me.  "And then I'd get
you one of those ankle bracelets so you couldn't leave the house... make
that the bedroom."

"So no doctor anymore then?"

He smiled.  "I'd get you a couple of bodyguard to escort you everywhere, so
that there wasn't a second you weren't under watch."

"And you'd trust those big strapping bodyguards with my helpless self?"
Perhaps I was pushing him a little far, but he had started this.

"Yep."  He looked squarely.  "I'd just show them what I did to the other
guy."

He looked at me in complete seriousness for a few seconds before a smirk
crept on his face.  I couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh well.  As long as you wouldn't break up with me."

He smiled at my dependence and basked for a long while before prompting me.
"...Your turn."

I groaned unwillingly.  "...Really?"

"C'mon Caleb."  He coaxed.  "It's just a hypothetical."

I was initially hurt by the question, but looking at his face, he seemed
engrossedly intrigued by the possible answer, like the question was purely
an academic one.

It was difficult to even think about.  Mikaihail, the only person who meant
anything to me and the person who meant everything... the guy who supported
me, loved me, protected me... betraying me.  But I didn't just have to
think about it, I had to pretend that I was living it...

But the answers wasn't all that complicated, it was obvious.  "I'd be a
mess.  I wouldn't be able to do anything... It would be agonising... I'd
just cry all day..." I needed a little clarification.  "Would you want to
leave me for this person?"

"No."  He answered automatically.

"Then I suppose I'd spend my days lying in bed with you, holding onto you
while I uncontrollably broke down.  You being both the sole reason for my
unbearable anguish and the only thing that gave any measure of relief from
it...  Like the worst kind of duality."

He stroked my face soothingly, with an empathetically sad expression.  "As
long as you wouldn't break up with me."

Thinking about both our answers made me realise that, even though we both
had serious issues when it came to our relationship, we complimented each
other in a perverse kind of way.  Two misshapen blocks; warped by
insecurities or predilections that serendipitously fit perfectly together.
His irrepressible dominant nature, which would threaten to strangle anyone
else, and was exponentially incensed when it came to something he truly
cared about; was only rivalled by my absolute reverence for him, a
reverence born from vacancy, a person unbound by notions of typical human
votive, mercifully given a light in an otherwise black sea of
darkness... one thing to care about.

The empathetic expression on his face hit home how much Mikaihail's care
for me had become intrinsic to him.  He was constantly monitoring me:
seeing if I was okay, investigating if I had any problems, inspecting my
face to get an insight into the state of my mind.  And now this.  This
adult man who I'm sure, just by the sort of person he was, had arduously
endured his fair share of emotional rantings being fired at him.  And yet,
here he was, delaying his own physical gratification because he wanted, not
just to talk, but to entertain the possible emotions of a theoretical
scenario.

"You're not use to this are you?"

"Hypotheticals?"

"No, I mean, emotional talk." His face became genuinely interested,
furthering my point.  "Before... us; you struck me as the kind of man who
didn't even like to think about emotions, let alone have long discussions
about them."

"Well no, but Caleb..." He started in a soothing way.  He had clearly
misinterpreted my statement; I wasn't worried by his change in nature.
Likely a reaction precipitated by my previous assertion that I would not
have liked the earlier versions of Mikaihail.

 "But that clearly isn't the case anymore."

He cupped my cheek with his hand, to ease but also to shut me up so he
could get a word in.  "Since the first time we talked, besides dinners, it
was pretty obvious that kind of talking was important to you.  And, it
*was* unnatural for me,"

"So what changed?"

"Well, I did have my own stuff to figure out... but by doing it, I could
soothe you, or even make you happy... I wanted to do it.  I wanted to be
the guy who was there for you, who would do those kinds of things for you."

He kissed me with a reminiscent smile on his face.  "And now, I just like
it.  I like hearing what you say, getting to know how you think, being the
only person who gets to be close to you in that way..." He smirked.  "As
well as every other way."

I took my turn to kiss him.  "Thank you."

He curls himself, pulling me closer. "Well, now that that's over, you can
thank me in another way."

I awkwardly moved my arm through his bindings.  "Actually, I thought I'd
read that book."

He quickly grabbed my wrist with his hand and brought it down on the
mattress, on the opposite side of me.

"No, no, Caleb.  I want you now."

I smirked, being able to anticipate his response.  "Do you want to get in
the way of my studies?"

"Yes.  And now that the sound proofing is done you will never have an
excuse."

"How *did* they get that done so quickly?" I pretended to be interested,
and not caught up in his state - though I had failed to ask him before.
Mikaihail had taken me to a luxury hotel a few blocks from our apartment
for the weekend while the work was being done.

"Just have to pay them enough."

"Mikaihail," I pouted, "You shouldn't do that; we could have managed."

He laughed sinisterly.  "You thought I'd risk another night like that?"  He
turned me over onto my back as he moved on top of me.  "Having you there,
vulnerable, but not being able to..." He parted my legs with his, pushed my
underwear up to expose my ass.  "You're mine."  He lowered the pouch of his
underwear and grabbed his engorging manhood by the base and began rubbing
the head over my entrance, my apprehension reappearing with it.  "Every
night."  He began gently thrusting it right into my hole; I took a ragged
breath.  "There isn't anything you can do."  He brought his face closer to
mine and ran his tongue over my lips.  "I get to watch you lie there
helplessly," He shackled my free hand with his and brought it to the other
side of my head, "with that nervous look in your eyes," His primal side was
strong in his eyes as they stared back into mine, "as I..."

He thrusted hard into my entrance causing me to sharply draw breath.

The force wasn't enough to invade, only stretch me a little.

He smirked, self-satisfied, having gotten the genuine reaction he wanted.
"Better slick up first.  Might need you to walk tomorrow."

***

The morning after, we were canoodling in front of the wardrobe.  We
showered and had stalled in our morning routine just before the 'getting
dressed' part.  True to his word, Mikaihail had given me a 'thorough
fucking' last night, ending in me passing out on his chest like I usually
did.

Every time Mikaihail made love to me it always resulted in this kind of
behaviour.  My body yearned for his constant physical contact, never
wanting to be separated from him, and he was always more than willing to
give me what I wanted.

His towel was draped around his shoulders, hiding underneath, I clung to
his body as he kissed me sensually.

He moved us back toward the bed and gently lowered us onto the mattress.
His body covered mine as his entire being gently grinded mine.  His
muscles, covered in his weathered adult exterior grazed over my supple
adolescent skin.  I was again lost in the delirium that he could so easily
send me into.  I instinctively submitted to this behemoth of a man,
unconsciously opening my legs and wrapping them around him.

He stopped and looked longingly into my eyes.  "If I let this go any
further, I'm not going to make it into work today."

I wanted him so badly, wanted him to take me, feel him thrust himself deep
inside me... but that wouldn't be the right thing to do.  I shouldn't stop
him from getting to work.

I exhaled disappointedly.  "You're right."

He kissed me lightly again before getting off me and rummaging through the
wardrobe.

I flopped over on the bed, letting my head hang over the side as I watched
his naked body move.  His perfectly sculpted muscles tensed and relaxed as
they worked in unison, they had me admiring them for their own sake.  New
to my admiration was his ass.  When he was naked he was usually facing me,
but now I had a framed viewed of his perfectly rounded behind as it bobbed
with his movement.

"You've got a really amazing ass." I spoke without thinking.

He looks at me confused and laughs.  "How can you possibly say that when
your ass is in the room."  He looked over at my ass, his view obstructed
somewhat as I was lying on my back.  "So, round, so smooth, so fuckable."
He eyes becoming less civil.

"It has been fucked a whole lot."  I added.  "And not just by a regular
sized person, which wouldn't be so bad, but my Mikaihail sized dick."

He walks over to me, his obscenely big cock swinging lewdly as he did.  He
looked straight down at me, his cock inches from my face.  He stared
squarely into my eyes, down over his chest.  "Well I am the only one that
will ever fuck it.  Your ass was made for me, Caleb, it was made to be
fucked *only* by me.  Doesn't matter how much bigger I am than your tight
little arse.  Don't you forget it."

It seemed I was going to get my chance sooner than I thought.  I moved my
hand to his noticeably growing cock, lifting the heavy meat with my palm
and wrapping my fingers around it and massaging his girth.  Even though he
was only starting to get hard I still wasn't even nearly able to get my
hand around it.

"I doubt I could ever forget your dick."  I spoke suggestively.

"Caleb."  He tried to be stern but he couldn't help enjoying it.

He steeled his gaze straight forward as he tried to resist his pleasure.
He could attempt to be strict, but he couldn't deny his sexually volatile
nature.

A globule of precum began forming on his cockhead. I moved my free hand to
his impressively huge balls, and with his gaze averted I took my
opportunity, moving my mouth to the head and succulently drawing his precum
into my mouth.  I cooed, savouring the taste.

"Caleb." He repeated with a more forcible tone.  "I told you..." He tried
to back away but I maintained my grip on the top of his ballsac as he
attempted to move.

He breathed sharply in reaction, not in pain, but in satisfaction.  His
hands were quickly around my wrists, pulling them away from his throbbing
manhood.

"Please Mikaihail..." I begged with a pleading expression.  "I want to do
this for you."  He couldn't refuse my begging, his hands began to relax
slighty, allowing mine to move in their bindings to his meat.  I continued
to massage as best I could in my shackles.  "I want to make you feel good."

I looked pleadingly into his eyes, his view of my face obscured by his
elephant dick.  As I continued to massage, his grip on my wrists almost
completely fell.

I felt a sense of achievement, being able to get him to allow me to do
this.

I brought the head back to my mouth and took in his rapidly engorging cock.
I sucked over the ridges of his head repeatedly, running my tongue along
the slit as I retreated.

"Ah."  He groaned in unwilling pleasure.

I didn't know why this was an issue for him, he clearly enjoyed the
attention immensely.  That point was quickly made even clearer as, even
though he had only just begun to allow my attention, he really started
leaking his precum.  Another few motions and the strong, delicious,
offering starting flowing, heavy and generous.

He breathed labouredly as I continued to suckle on his life-giving
mastodon.

His unwilling moan became louder as I darted my tongue into his slit.  If
one only saw his face they might mistake his expression for recently
exerted anger.

He lowered his face, bringing mine into his view, the intensity of his
anger only lasted a second as he looked into my eyes as I serviced him,
appreciated him, just like he should be.

His faced still gleamed a certain amount of ambivalence, but he caringly
brought his hands to my head, gently cradling it while I continued to give
his pleasure my full effort.

As his mammoth grew to his full size, my hands became increasingly unable
to get a good enough grip to massage him.  I resorted to holding him like a
vase, or some other precious object, both hands on either side of his
shaft, working together to knead his thick skin up and down.

The expression on his face became increasingly twisted as he continued to
resist giving into the rolling tides of pleasure.  His breath became
increasingly ragged, his body reddening, heaving with pleasure and effort,
his muscles rippling, wanting to take control and draw even more pleasure,
but being forced to remain unutilised.

Finally, his prodigious manhood protruded in its full glory, forcing
admiration of its presence.  I could feel his heart racing as his pole
thudded with his strong heartbeat.  It was almost too big to even fit
inside my mouth, but I continued to serve it, wanting to give Mikaihail
every last modicum of pleasure I was capable of igniting.

I angled it down further as I began to try to force it down my throat.  It
had to be impossible; there was no way something that big would ever fit,
not even if it were considerably smaller.  But I didn't care about what was
possible; it wouldn't keep me from giving him every effort I had.

I brought one hand to the back of his hip and drew him closer to me, to try
and use his weight to help.

"Caleb..."  His deep voice was strained, "...don't..."  His body buckled
with my wanton guidance, he fell forward, recovering by supporting himself
with one hand, the other still cradling my head, his landscape of rippling
muscles sprawling above me.  His knees buckled with his body, fortuitously
aiming his cock more directly down my throat.

I placed both my hand on his hips and guided his pelvis in a slow humping
motion, his body unconsciously taking over the rhythmic movement.  I moaned
into his thick head in gratitude for his cooperation.  His balls, massive
in size, heavy with cum, jostled with his motion, transfixing my eyes with
their hypnotic movement.  Enticing and alluring in their own masculine way.

My head fell into rhythm with his movements as we began symbiotically
working his enormous slab of man meat into my sucking mouth.  His guttural
moans began getting louder, the pleasure threatening to push him over edge.
I knew my time was going to be quickly up.

I moved my hands around towards his ass as best I could while using them to
coax him into speeding up his motions, giving him less ability to restrain
himself.  I drew his hips closer to me, trying to use his strength to get
him into my throat.

His moans became even more ragged, reverberating with that familiar
roaring.  He was on the verge.  With him this far gone, there was no
return, he wasn't going to stop until he had taken his desire. I strengthen
my grip as I stopped my motion and instead attempted to pull his pelvis as
close to me as I could.  I opened wide and met his thrust with my willing
mouth, his hand holding me by the base of my head.

My throat protested, but our combined fervent effort sunk the tip of his
head further down my person.  Given its immense girth, that in of itself
was a miracle.

Mikaihail roared out in pleasure, feeling my tight throat constrict his
sensitive cockhead.  His voice seemed to shake to room as his massive meat
filled and exploded, flooding my throat and mouth with his thick, hot, man
cream.  His meat just kept erupting, dumping his cum into my willing mouth.
I knew this wasn't something I could handle for long so I retreated, my
lips tightly around the tip of his head as I desperately tried to accept
the overflowing offering of his pure masculine essence.

His roar continued as his completely tense body made small, uncontrollable
jerks, his forceful pumps of semen threatening to drown me.

His convulsions eventually became less intense and sparse until his
generous cock only intermittently shot another thick load of his strong,
manly, cum into my mouth.  No longer worrying about overflowing and wasting
it, I gratefully rolled his offering around in my mouth, slathering it on
his cockhead and slurping it back off, revelling in the taste, the texture,
and the sheer sensation of appreciating his essence - like the sole
connoisseur of his semen.

It tasted just like I expected him to taste: powerful, masculine, as
overwhelming and imposing as the man himself.  But more than that, it
tasted like victory, like I had accomplished pleasing him, giving him what
his partner should.

His entire body breathed heavily, trying to recover from the extreme
experience.  His muscled person heaved with effort as he did, attempting to
hold himself together after the powerful explosion.  My hands gently milked
his cock, smoothly massaging in appreciation and hopeful pleading to coax
another pump of his masculine batter.

He slowly fell on his side, marginally missing me with his behemoth body.
Luckily that meant I could continue to suckle on his man meat.

Even in this position it seemed he body couldn't maintain while recovering.
He slowly moved on his back, and I followed his movement, unwilling to take
my focus away from his mammoth.  I ended up with my elbow on his opposite
hip, supporting myself as I struggled to reach the end of his cock with my
mouth.  He breathed labouredly, the back of one hand over his eyes, the
other roamed lovingly over my body.

After a while his body seemed to have made some progress in its attempt at
recovery, his head lifted as he looked down over his body at me, still
being the victim of my oral fixation.

"Jesus Caleb..."  He sounded a little scolding but his voice was filled
with his recent ecstasy.

I let his still standing manhood out from my mouth. "What?"  I licked up
the shaft with him still looking down at me.

"I told you I didn't want you to do that."

I smiled as I continued to service him, our eyes still on each other's.  I
would be very shy and uneasy about doing that normally, but the ecstasy,
his ecstasy, was still racing through me.  "Yes, but you send too many
mixed signals.  You say you don't want it, but..."  I licked up his shaft
with each pause.  "The moaning... the humping... the deluge of your cum as
you achieve a roaring climax."  I smirked.

"I didn't say I didn't like it."  His speech ceased with a surge of
pleasure as I ran my tongue over the sensitive tip.  "I said I didn't want
you to do it.  I prefer it when we do other things."

"Well I like it to."  I ignored the second part.

"Caleb."  He tried to be firm but it lacked integrity when his dick was in
my mouth.

"Well if we both like it, then why not?"

"Lots of reasons."  Without a reaction from me he continued.  "Because it's
dangerous."

I gave him an incredulous look, like he was talking himself up.

"I wouldn't force a canister of tennis balls down your throat, so I
wouldn't force me down there either."

"Sure, it might take a bit of practice.  Besides it wouldn't be hard to
make sure I wouldn't choke."  I smirked.  "You can learn CPR if it makes
you feel better about possible accidents."  I teased.  It was hard to take
his concerns seriously when I was still lost in his intense feelings, still
with his manhood in my hands and receiving my attention.

He groaned angrily at my making light.  "Would you like it if..."  He
looked down at me, with my cheeky grin on my face, his own steeled.

He thoughtlessly took himself away from me as he got up and flipped me over
onto my stomach, on top of me in a flash, his full weight bearing down upon
me, flattening me into the mattress.

"Well then.  It's my turn now.  And you don't get a say."  He kissed the
back of my neck slowly, accentuating his complete control over ever part of
me.  "Complain all you want, you've just made sure I won't give a damn."
He ground himself into my ass and it rose toward him instinctively, wanting
to submit to the alpha, to give itself up to his hedonism.  "I've been
thinking about this for a while and now I'm going to do it.  I don't care
if you whine, complain," he bit into my neck causing a sharp breath, "or
cry." He was seriously enjoying the powerplay.

He lowered himself and kissed in between my shoulder blades.  "You can
squirm or yell or beg me to stop.  I'm not going to."  With lightning speed
his stuck the first knuckle of his thumb into my unprepared asshole.  I
gasp with the flash of pain.  "You're fucked."  He licked down my spine.
"My sweet, little, innocent, Caleb."

He withdrew his thumb and slowly got off me, kneeling behind me, inspecting
me.  I raised my ass toward him, ready to offer myself to him, wanting him
to extract whatever pleasure he could take from my body.

I turned my head back towards him, unable to resist finding out what was
coming.  He was eyeing my ass like a starved madman, but as his eyes caught
mine he grabbed the back of my head and forced my face into the pillows.

"Don't move."  He commanded.

He grabbed a pillow as he removed his hand and placed it under my pelvis,
rendering me unable to hide my exposed entrance, even if I wanted to.

His large calloused hands ran up and down my thighs as he sounded a
guttural rumble, echoing his lustful intentions.  Suddenly his hands
clenched my ass cheeks and spread them open, giving him a very clear view
of my entrance.

He groaned back his hunger.  The bed moved as he shifted his position, my
heart rate picking up with his unknown intentions.  He began making circles
with the mounds of my ass, then, unexpectedly, he clenched the flesh hard
as he stretched them, parting them.  He loosened his grip and returned to
rolling them.  This continued for a few more repetitions, the rolling, and
the sudden forceful parting.

I relished in the attention, reacting excitedly with his manipulations.  He
held my cheeks apart again, then, out of nowhere, something touched my
entrance and I could feel an intense sensitivity at the contact, so extreme
my body instinctively jerked forwards, escaping from the feeling with a
sharp breath.  He rumbled his dissent as his grip on my cheeks pulled me
back toward him.  For a long moment, there was nothing, but then the
sensation happened again, I tried to squirm again, but he wasn't allowing
it this time.

I realised with horror that he was tonguing my entrance.  Not only was it
too intense, it was not something Mikaihail should do.

"No!  Mikaihail!  Don't!"  I desperately pleaded as I earnestly tried to
escape his grip.  "Stop!"  The sensation was difficult to handle, it was
such as alien feeling, something my body had never felt before.  The
closest analogy I could think of was that it was almost like dumping a
tonne of powdered sherbet in your mouth - it wasn't that it was bad, it was
just way too much.

With my fervent efforts I managed to squirm enough that his grip slipped on
one of my cheeks, letting me avoid his tongue.  He bellowed a roar and
instead grabbed my thighs, his big man hands encircling them almost
completely.  He roughly pulled me back to him as his tongue probed my
entrance, setting off the intense chain reaction, shooting through my
entire body's system.

"Please!  Stop! Let me go!"  I begged him.

He rumbled happily with my protests as he began rolling the tip of his
tongue, circling my entrance.  With his new grip there was no way of
getting out of this without his consent.

He changed his grip, his thumbs running along my thighs, pointing to my
butt, as he spread my legs even more, stripping me of any small sense of
modesty I had left.

He sounded a guttural roar as he gave more and more into his hunger.  He
began probing at my entrance, attempting to force his tongue inside me.  I
wasn't going to help, I was clenched as tight as I could be, the feeling he
was shooting through my body was too much, I wanted desperately to get
away.

But he wasn't giving up, he continued to enjoy his wet assault and as he
persisted the feeling began to change as I realised my body actually liked
it.  It was still a feeling that was overpowering, that wasn't something I
could sustain; but as I felt pleasure from his probing, my mental control
slipped and I loosened myself just enough that he darted into my entrance.

I jerked uncontrollably as he rumbled victoriously at his achievement.
This feeling was even more extreme and I clenched back down, never to open
again.  But this had changed it for him.  Feeling my denial he stopped.  He
let go of my thighs and with my freedom I quickly scrambled up the bed,
grabbing the top of the headboard to try and hasten my escape; the bed
shook as he moved and in less than a second his hands were on my hip and
shoulder.

I clenched my grip on the headboard and tried with all my might to escape
him but it was completely futile on the face of the incredible strength his
gigantic, towering body, rippling with muscles, could exert.

He sniggered at my attempts.  Without warning the burning head of his
mammoth fucker forces its entry, stretching my, by comparison, very small
hole.  Even with all my might clenching down, I had no chance to deny his
engorged manhood entry, I could maybe keep out his tongue, but not that
battering ram.

His tool, slick with my saliva, and my opening, slick with his, it was
still difficult to accept this behemoth of a man.  My back arched
instinctively as the fire of the pleasure and pain tore through my body and
up my spine, resulting in a strained whimper as my mouth fell open

His much larger body came down on top of mine, his mouth to my ear, "Should
have let me in more." He thrusts in another inch of himself, resulting in
another whimper "Huh? My Little Caleb."

He rotates his hips, fucking me with only the beginning of his fucktool.
"Looks like you need to be taught a lesson. Since you don't understand yet:
you're Mine.  Every piece of you."  Without warning he punches in more of
his engorged self, stretching my small hole even more.  "When I want to
take you, however, whenever, you give yourself to me."  He grunts
forcefully and he forces more of himself into my petite body.  "You don't
own you.  I own you.  You don't have a say."  He was clearly enjoying the
aggressive play, perhaps too much.  "You just accept whatever the fuck I
want."  He pushes even further, making me feel like I was going to burst
from the inside.  "Understand?"  But I couldn't answer, too stunned from
his possession to form words.  "I'll make sure you fucking do."  He
tightens his grip even harder in one slow, powerful movement, he plunges
the entirety of himself into me.

He lifts his body off mine and straightens himself up and moves his hand to
join the other on my hips.  He jams his fat cock into me hard before
pulling himself out with agonisingly slowly, until my ring was caught on
the back of the ridges of his head.  He teases my hole as he feigns
attempts to retreat himself, just pulling on my ring.  He gradually
increases the strength of the attempts, as the force slowly builds, pulling
my ring further. I gasp desperately, trying to endure the intense feeling.

It was as though he was not only teasing, but the testing the limits of my
body.  As the force became greater, I could feel myself starting to give,
then when he had built just enough force, and I knew he would exit me on
the next attempt, he slams the entirety of himself balls deep inside me.

The smack of his pelvis as it collides with my ass causes a loud slapping
sound.  My body protests the sheer grandeur of the invader.  I let out a
blubber of sounds, trying to recover from his powerful fucking.

He slowly retreats himself from me and, with the same measured strength,
pulls on my ring before slamming himself, full force into me.  He
continually repeats his hard, intermittent thrusts, as they slowly increase
in pace. "This," He speaks after each powerful fuck of his pulsating cock,
"is what, you get, for trying, to deny me!" His voice rumbles with his
familiar roar.

With his exclamation he goes berserk.  He starts pounding himself into me
hard and fast, jostling my body with the shockwaves caused by his
impressive manhood.  Without his tight grip on me I would have gone through
the wall.

I steel my arms, gripping the headboard as tightly as I can, trying
desperately to keep myself in place and endure his rigorous fucking.  It
was incredibly difficult, not just his awesomely powerful pistoning, but
the explosion of endorphins and pleasure forcing my body into such a manic
state.

I could feel my body overloading, with each and every thrust he sent a new
tidal wave through me, the ecstasy becoming too much, needing release. The
flood of pleasure is suddenly shocked beyond limit as he takes a second to
prepare himself, and then really slams my ass with his battering ram.  My
body convulses as I climax, my entire body shakes as my arms unexpectedly
buckle and my body is forced forward with his unrestrained fucking.
Mikaihail doesn't miss a beat, stalking forward with my body as he
continually thrusts his big, meaty cock into me, panting and grumbling his
pleasure.  I regain my grip on the headboard but my chest and the side of
my face were plastered against the wall.

My eye catch his primal face, above my body, staring directly at my ass,
watching his mastodon tenderising my diminutive ass. His eyes notice my
attention and steel themselves to mine as his picks up his power, speed,
and vim, and starts fucking me into submission, staring down my person,
making sure I knew who was the dominator.

The new pounding is too much to handle, I lose feeling and my sense of my
body as my mind goes into overload.  I lose my grip once again and in a
second he has closed the gap between himself and the wall, my body pinned
between the two, my legs spread on either side of his.  He continued his
ferocious assault, fucking me up the wall as he grabbed my head and pulled
it back, my mouth wide open, still trying to grip with the immense pleasure
he was fucking into me.  He shoved his tongue into my mouth and
dominatingly took over, lasciviously kissing me.  I could only give very
weak kisses of attention back as I had little control over my body.

His own body starts tensing with his excessive fucking, rapidly approaching
his climax.  He curls his arm around my head, holding it in place, as he
rises, looming over me, staring down, directly into my eye.

My body couldn't take it anymore.  With an almost painful feeling I explode
as he fucks the cum out of me.  I am so overwhelmed I cannot even moan, I
was too far gone, too lost in his lustful berserk.

"Fuck."  His voice was almost completely his guttural roar.  "Fuck." His
pounding became more intense, withdrawing less, with more power and speed
of his rapid thursting. "Caleb."  He grunts "Take it." Another grunt.  "You
feel so fucking good on my cock."

He takes deep, laboured, grumbling breathes, as he roars out, slamming
himself as deep inside me as he can go.  His dick engorges even more,
filling with his manly cum, stretching my hole even wider, as he explodes
inside me.

His attention doesn't leave me as he is caught in his ecstasy, still
filling me with his creamy essence.  "Feel me inside you, Caleb?"  He joked
evilly, knowing it was all I was capable of feeling.  "Feel me filling you
up, cumming inside you?"  He gives me a tongue-filled dominating
kiss. "Feel how you're mine now?"

He thrusts himself again into my crammed ass.

He keeps staring at me, intermittently jerking himself inside me, thrusting
a little more, filling me to capacity, with every drop of thick, manly,
cream.  I could do nothing, completely pinned and incapable of moving, I
was forced to just take it.

As his climax waned, his inflamed state started to calm.  He moved his
hands to support me and slowly eased the pressure pinning me to the wall.
Moving his arms around me he dropped us back, bouncing us bpth gently onto
the bed.

He gingerly pulled out of me, mercifully giving my body a reprieve it
desperately needed.  His hands moved over my body, caressing me lovingly,
as I breathed hard, trying to recover from Mikaihail's intense exertion.
He moves one arm around me and secures me against him, gripping my
shoulder.  I grasp the back of his hand with one of my own and use the
other to grip his forearm

"Can you talk yet?" He teased.

I laughed at his question, but that made breathing even harder.  "...Little
bit."  I swallowed and tried to build up enough air for my own sentence.
"Given up on pretending not to like head yet?"

He sounds his deep chuckle, bouncing me on his chest.  "I like everything I
do with you..." I could hear a 'but' in his tone, "...I bet you can't wait
until I get between those buns of yours again."  He spoke with masculine
pride.

"No." I shot back. "Please don't ever do that again."  Besides being too
intense I still vehemently felt that was something a person like Mikaihail
should never do.

He chuckles again.  "You can't pretend Caleb.  I could tell you liked it."
He sniggers to himself.  "I'm getting better at reading your face, and the
little changes in your voice, but your body... The way you writhe, you
whimper, feeling your body shudder underneath mine, those sharp breathes,
getting you to tense in just the right way... That's where I know you..."
he slowly licks his large tongue up the side of my neck "...better than
even you do."

Maybe if I wasn't so mortified by what he was doing I could have relaxed
more and perhaps have even enjoyed it.  Maybe.  It was hard to doubt
Mikaihail, he seemed very certain, and, he was right: when it came to
physical intimacy, he could play me like a fiddle.

I turn my head to his and kiss his jaw lightly.  "Maybe... but... " It was
hard to describe, I take a deep breath, still unable to recover.  ""I like
it when I'm... there, with you."

He careful shifts me to the mattress, supporting himself on his side and
looking over me.  His eyes meet mine with a look of triumph.  "Exactly."

It took me a second but I understood him.  The two had a similarity.  I was
impressed he could make such an eloquent point by using sex... then again,
that was a particular forte of his.

"Okay.  I get it."  I acquiesced.  "But I'm still not giving up on that.  I
like making you feel good."

He smirks down at me.  "Well, you know the price."

I pouted.

He smiled.

"Now you're really going to be late for work."

"And whose fault is that?"  He teased.

I didn't respond.

He runs his fingertips over my naked body.

"You'll be okay if I go now?  I don't really like leaving you just after
we've..."

"I'll be fine... I'll just lie here for a few hours first."

He gave an empty smile, reading too much into the comment, genuinely
concerned about me.  "I'll call you during my break.  If you don't pick
up... I'll come around to check on you."

I really wished I hadn't left my phone downstairs right now.

I try to move but he has to help me to pull myself into a hug.  "I'll be
fine until you get back, just a little lonelier from missing you all day."

***

Though my school commitments had finished for the year, Mikaihail's work
demanded a more full annual schedule.  Despite my protests Mikaihail
stopped working on Saturday's - he assured me that it didn't affect
anything, that the prospect of spending time with me had dramatically
increased his productivity.  I got the feeling white lies were not the
taboo to Mikaihail that they were to me, that he would say anything to make
me feel better.  However, that line of thought was quickly murdered when
Mikaihail became irritated at my accusations of deception.

Mikaihail would sometimes make it home for lunch, or we would spend it in
his office, or meet up at a restaurant between our building and his work.
I didn't really like going out to restaurants because of the public
intrusion on our time, however, this aversion was made worse when Mikaihail
solved the issue by only booking us into private rooms in the restaurants -
the kind of rooms that were unnecessarily expensive and primarily reserved
for the use of couples.  Assuming looks of the waiting staff were rare, but
I didn't require that trigger to set my mind off into horrible musings
about what was being thought and said.

This day, though I hadn't seen Mikaihail since I cajoled him out the door
in the morning.  I had taken to spending my days alone, absorbed in study,
preparing myself for next year and the UMAT (the first administration of
which was just before the next school year started).  I didn't really need
all the time I would have over the summer to do this, but the study helped
stave off my yearnings for him.

I was deep into a chapter on mathematical optimisation when I heard the
door unlock.  My heart skipped a beat, a wide smile overtook my face, as I
hopped up and skipped to the door to greet my source of rapturous happiness
and the object of my insatiable affection.

His face lights up when his eyes connect with mine, the door hadn't even
closed behind him before he had me swept up in his arms, his lips
reciprocating my elation at our reunion.  Mikaihail's appetite seemed to
have grown since I moved in with him: we would always have sex before going
to sleep; he would take me either when he woke me up or during our morning
shower, but in addition to that, sometimes our afternoon reunions could
degenerate into sexual proclivities.  Though, if I'm being honest, anytime
that I was with Mikaihail had the potential to degenerate in the same way.
He seemingly needed no trigger, often out of the blue he would get that
animalistic expression as he smiled expectantly at me, waiting for his
intention to dawn upon me; other times he would simply move in for a series
of kisses that would quickly turn into him on top of me, his hands all over
my body.  The symbiosis of his unabatable desire was reflected in how
easily he could get me heaving for him.  I could be intently reading a
book, or be engrossed with a problem, but it would only take that look or a
flurry of his soul-stealing kisses before I lost myself to him, would give
anything to have him take me.

Being at his constant beck and call, available to satisfy this virile man's
every sexual whim, had me spending a lot of my time recovering from that.
Luckily I didn't need to move much to study, and certain aids I had brought
assisted my recovery and ability to satisfy his unrelenting carnal
appetite.

Though, it wasn't as if it was a chore, far from it (though in some way I
did see it like a duty, an important part of being Mikaihail's chosen
partner), spending so much time in the utter ecstasy of his ravenous love
making was a level of existence to which, I was sure, no other experience
could compare.

Being caught up in his affectionate kiss this afternoon however, I knew
would not degenerate to the extent it often did.  Even in the bliss of
reunion I could tell his single- mindedness, which usually lead down that
road wasn't there - I knew there was something on his mind.

I pulled back and tried to catch my breath as I inspected his face.
"Everything okay?"

His affectionate expression morphs with a measure of excitement.  "Very
okay."

He led me to the kitchen counter and assisted me into one of the stools.
He reached into his coat and produced a folded number of pages.  As he
handed them to me he couldn't help but chuckle self-satisfied.

I unfolded the letter and attempted to gain a quick understanding of what
the very technical legal language meant.  As I examined the document
Mikaihail leaned his forearm on the counter beside me, looming over me, as
his other hand guided his eyes as it glided over my body, inspecting me,
making sure I was as untouched as I had been when he left me.

In so many words, the document very formally gave Mikaihail legal
guardianship over me.  My only problem was that it gave it to him in
addition to my parents - it wasn't a transfer.  But I couldn't have really
expected that of Alice, besides, this was no small victory.

"How is this even possible?  It should have taken months to be processed."

"Your Mother is on the council, I doubt she would have gone through the
normal process."  His voice had a tone of victory about it.  The accuracy
of his words was hard to refute - she would want as few people to know, and
that meant using the types of pathways that had no lines.

I looked into his loving, expectant eyes.  "You're officially mine now."

"...well a third of me.  You'd have to have my parents taken out for me to
be completely yours." I teased.

He moves his face closer.  "Don't tempt me."

I returned my attention to the document, wanting to make sure it was real
and not an elaborate forgery that Alice had made to placate me.  Alice... I
suppose this would be only her first step in trying to get me back.  That
was not a dance I was looking forward to.

I smiled genuinely as I returned my eyes to his.  "I'm sorry, your right:
this is big."

"Yes."  A plan hidden behind his smirk.  "So I was thinking..." I had heard
those words from him before, "...You're done with school.  And my work
tends to wind down around the end of the year, just the AGM, shareholders
meeting, wrapping up really.  And a lot of international conferences are
held this time of year because of that.  More conference presentation would
look good on my resume..."

"Resume?" I cut him off.  "Are you think..."  He cut me off with a hand
over my mouth, not letting me change his direction.

"And now, with this..." He gently, but firmly removes the pages from my
hands and places them on the counter, his finger traces a line under my
chin, orienting my head directly at his "...So..."

"So?"  He had spelled it out, but I really didn't want to jump the gun and
be let down.

"How would you like to spend the summer travelling with me?  Every weekend
we'd be in a different country, entire weeks away."

I jump up on my seat and kissed him gleefully, holding his cheeks in my
hands.  "And lots of business education along the way."  I joked.

"Very little."  He corrected. "You just seem to have a thing for cover
stories."

I laughed, still on my high.  "Indeed."

We were broken from our celebration by the intrusive ring of the internal
phone.

"I'll get that."  I hoped down from my stool, but was impeded by
Mikaihail's lack of permittance.

"Leave it.  I am not going to be interrupted right now."  He spoke
assuredly.

"It might be something, or someone, important." I reasoned.

"Everyone who's important is already in this apartment."  He smirked.

The phone rang again, and with it now surged a measure of nervousness, I
really didn't want to not be on top of everything, to let a possible issue
arise, to lose control.  Mikaihail looked into my apprehensive eyes.  He
groaned as he broke his encirclement and allowed me leave.

I picked up the phone, the intrusion doing little to dampen my elation
"Hello?"

The front desk clerk responded.  "There is a Mrs Eleanor Klandinsky here."

Well that certainly washed away my delight.  I took a second to recover and
respond.  "Sure, let her up."  If there were a second option I would have
taken it without hesitation.

I turned to Mikaihail grimly, he was amused by my change in expression and
intrigued by who the intruder could possibly be. "...Eleanor is on her way
up."

His face turned hard.  "This is *our* place, Caleb.  You could have just
said I wasn't here."

A strain in his eyes let me know he wasn't handling the distance between us
well - this new revelation affecting his allowances.  I walked over to him
in an attempt to assuage his unease; though I knew it wouldn't completely
abate until the situation had been dealt with.

He lightly encircled me, placing his hands on my hips.  "That would
definitely not have been a good idea."  I engaged.

He looked at me doubtfully.

"The timing's too precise.  You just got in..." I looked at him defeatedly,
"...She would have been staking the place out."

Mikaihail sounded his guttural groan.

I began playing with his lapels, folding and unfolding, making sure the
creases were exactly right, pulling them closer together and gently
flattening them against his chest.  He looked on, concerned; my now
familiar fixations letting him know I was within myself.

Mikaihail had alluded when contact had been made with either Alice or
Eleanor, but he had been particularly vague when it came to the details.
Judging by the small pieces he did give me, what I had seen of Eleanor, and
the way Alice described our situation, I knew none of the parties saw the
situation as reversible.  In so many words, Mikaihail clued me in that he
had said as much to them.  But, I didn't need that reassurance, it was
obvious, the situation was as irreparable as the shards of his wedding
band.

But I knew this doomed endeavour would be a fight Eleanor wouldn't lose
until she had made every play she could.  She would not easily give up the
life she had become accustomed to.

Knowing the inevitable failure did help, but it was not a complete remedy
to the anxiety I felt when considering the oncoming confrontation.
Husbands and wives, relationships built on decades of involvement, these
things were as theoretical to me as the scientific abstract concepts I so
often contemplated.

I came back to him, my own uselessness now solidified in my mind. "I think
I'll make myself scarce."  I retreated with a helpless half-smile.

He pulled me into a tight, reassuring hug.  "We'll celebrate as soon as
we're alone."

"You'll be okay?" I asked sympathetically.

 "Of course."  He strengthened his demeanour, an effort for me, I was sure.
"Glad to be coming to the end of this."

His soothing embrace was interrupted by a knock at the door.

He kept hold of me as we walked toward the entrance but stopped once we
reached the stairs.  He looked down at me with a tension in his eyes,
looking like he didn't want me here, to be a part of what was going to
happen.  I gave him a weak smile before making my way up the stairs and
only just beyond the mouth of the hallway, my nervous curiosity not
allowing privacy.

The door opened with a moment of silence, not being privy to the facial
communication, which was all the interaction of the moment, was difficult
to bear.  The suspension was followed by footsteps, clearly Eleanor's
heels.

"This is nice."  Her tone was calm, with an accusatory undercurrent, but
the tension in the room was undeniably in there too.

"It was supposed to be an investment property."

"The d‚cor..."  Her heels clicked as she moved around the apartment.  "I
can tell you did it..."  She moved again, closer to him this time, judging
by the sound.  "...It's very you."  She sounded tender.  At that moment I
wanted so desperately to peek, to know what she was doing, in my mind I was
sure she was touching him.  The thought made me ill.

"Eleanor." He spoke dispassionately, as imperturbable as ever, as he
amputated the line of small talk.

"Mike."  She attempted to mimic his fortitude.

"What do you want?"

"To talk."

"You could have rung."

"Am I not welcome here?"  She inflected it was another accusation.

"We're not together anymore."  His flat tone unchanged.

There was a moment of silence; more non-verbals concealed to me.

"No Mike.  We're not done."  She covered it well, but the pain in her voice
was definitely there.

"Yes. We are."  This kind of stoical speech reminded me of his demeanour
when he fired an employee, while I hid under his desk.

"So that's it? One fight and you're done?  Ten years of marriage; of our
lives.  And you're happy just to throw that away?"  She was losing her
composure.  Her words might have been more convincing if they weren't so
filled with hatred.

"We've already talked about this."

"Yes, and it still doesn't make any sense!  I'm willing to work this out
with you, to keep our family together, for our son, and it's like you
couldn't care at all."

"Because I wasn't happy, not for a long..."  Mikaihail let out a heavy
exhale, his first sign of emotion.  "I'm not going to go through this
again."

"Is it someone else?"

He remained silent for a moment.  "You should leave."

"I have a right to know!"  The pain on her voice was crushing.  Thinking of
what it would be like to lose Mikaihail, and to try to get him back, but
have him just be uncaring in return...  there were few more painful
experiences I could imagine.  I reminded myself that the emotion behind my
tears would be very different to hers.

"I'm not your husband anymore.  No one else matters."  He paused, letting
the statement stand-alone.  "And, I'm sure, one day, there will be someone
else, but that has nothing to do with this."

"So that's it?" She spoke condescendingly.  "You wanted to open up your
options?  Wanted to be free to fuck tight young things with daddy issues."

"Leave. Now."  Mikaihail's anger was broiling under the surface, his
composure almost incinerated by it.  For two people so volatile it wans't
surprising how quickly it escalated...  I hated myself for noticing that
similarity.

"Your family means that little to you?  You would abandon your son, let him
grow up without a father in the house... let him think his father doesn't
even care about him."  She was really coming off the hinges now.  "So you
left your family, your son!  So you could pretend to be a real man and fuck
some young easy slut with no self-respect!"  Eleanor was the only person I
knew who would dare speak to Mikaihail like that.

"Get! Out!"  I could only imagine the face that accompanied those vitriolic
words.

Heeled footsteps quickly made their way to the door.  "After you've had
your fun and you want your life back: I won't forgive you! And neither will
Duncan!"

As soon as the door slammed I could hear Mikaihail's heavy, angry stomps
ascend the stairs, which creaked under the force.  I appeared at the top of
the staircase.  His anger resonating from every part of him, his aggressive
posture, his tense muscles, the threatening scowl on his face.

His eyes avoided me, not wanting to include me in his anger.

"Mikaihail." I attempted to draw his attention with meek sympathy, but he
just ignored me and stomped past.

"Mikaihail." I repeated with a more forceful sympathy as I grabbed onto his
arm.

He jerked his arm forward, trying to free himself, but I held on and was
jerked with it.  He threw his arm back, colliding with me, throwing me into
the wall.  My body smacked into the wall with an echoing thud, shaking the
nearby console table.

As the sound of the collision hit his ears, he froze.  He turned and his
eyes connected with mine, still recovering from the sudden impact.  For a
moment his anger began to break into pain but before it could take hold he
tore his attention from me and focused the anger on himself, falling
against the opposite wall.

His eyes pulsated with hatred as tears began to well.  I quickly stepped to
him and placed a hand on his side.  "I'm okay."

He couldn't look at me, but my physical contact seemed to weaken him as he
slowly sunk down the wall.  I followed his motions, ending up sitting in
his lap as he lay against the wall, still not able to look at me.

He breathed heavily, his whole body heaving with volatile hatred.

"Hey, Hey," I wanted him to let me in, let me absorb his hatred.  "I'm
okay."  But he just stared hatred down the hall.

I was at a loss.  I wanted to help him but I couldn't... what kind of a
partner did that make me...?  A useless one.

I moved my hands to his, his entire body tensed with the contact, like he
was trying to stop himself from possibly hurting me again.  He shut his
eyes tightly, trying to avoid me.  But it only took a few moments before he
relaxed his hands, letting them go completely limp.  I gently moved them to
my thighs, placing my hands on top of them, moulding them around me,
coaxing him to take hold and lure out his protectiveness.

Slowly, he grasped onto me, making sure I was okay, making sure nothing
more could happen to me.  His grip became so tight it started to send a
dull pain into my legs.  He remained there, just holding, his anger taking
time to even begin dissipating.  After a long while, he lowered his gaze to
my torso, but his eyes were unfocused, as he gently moved his hands over
me, calming down as he caressed me.

I was so thankful that I was able to calm him, to be able to be that for
him.  I was usually the reason for this kind of behaviour, this barely
restrainable anger, but this was the first time I could be here for him, to
help him, when I wasn't directly the cause for his inflamed aggression.

A long time passed before he looked up to meet my eyes.  I gave him a
sympathetic smile, trying to alleviate his feelings, but his face remained
dark and morose.

"You're alright?"  He spoke evenly.

"Of course."

"I'm sorry, Caleb."

"Don't be.  I'm not hurt."

"You could have been."

I wouldn't have cared if I was...

He looked at me with a hard expression.  "I shouldn't get like that around
you."

"No." I dissented.  "This is a part of you.  I want to be there for the bad
times as well as the good.  To try and make you feel better, or even just
so you have someone there... even if I can't do anything for you."

He gave me an empty half-smile.  "I'm supposed to take care of you."

I let out a weak laugh, not wanting to make light.  "99.99% of the time you
do.  I can be there for you the few other times."

He brings his hand to my face as I lean into it.

"I'm sorry she said those things."

"Caleb... I'm sorry you heard it."

I didn't know if I should intrude.  "She was wrong... Duncan likes us much
more than her anyway.  We can take him as much as he wants."

"And stop me from being with you?"

"Well we do have a soundproof room now."

His smile was more genuine this time.

"He won't hold it against you."  He looked as if my words were not the
least bit convincing.  "Besides the more time he spends away from her, the
better the person he'll turn out to be."

The look on his face, the distance between us, as though I wasn't even
there.  Mikaihail's inner turmoil was too deep-seated; responsibility and
morality born from an experience too foreign from my own.  It was difficult
to accept. I wanted to understand, I wanted to help.

I knew I shouldn't push it, and that, even if I did, it would probably do
little good, but I couldn't bear not asking.  This question had plagued me
from the start, since I met Mikaihail.

"Why?"

Guided by my voice he came out of his himself.  "What?"

I was still unsure if I should ask the question, but I simply couldn't
stomach at least not trying to understand.  "Mikaihail, I love you."

"I love you too." His tone was caught between the confusion of the timing
and wanting to reassure me.

"I mean, you're amazing, and not just to me, to anyone."

He gave another half-smile.  "You're a little biased."

I had to start using words better.  "Anyone would be lucky to have you. And
you could choose anyone."

"I chose you." He stated firmly, not liking having to go over this
belaboured subject and, in his mind, reassure me of something I should have
just accepted by now.

"I know." I smiled at him, letting him know that wasn't it.  "But
why... Eleanor?"

He instantly tensed up at the question.

I became a little frantic at his reaction.  I placed my hands on his
shoulders, trying to keep him with me.  "I just... I don't understand.  It
doesn't make any sense to me."

"Caleb."  He looked at me unsurely, not that he didn't want me to
understand, but that I likely couldn't understand.

"Please Mikaihail... I can't stand it anymore.  Sitting at that table all
those nights, the way she talked to you, ignored you, didn't appreciate
you... It was like a stab to the chest every time...  Why did you choose
her?"

He looked at me with a kind of strain in his eyes.  "I don't think I could
explain it to you Caleb."

"Please..." I spoke with desperation.  "Try."

He eyed at me with a steely expression, evaluating it in his mind.  He let
out a prolonged exhale and turned his gaze to one of his hands as it glided
over my body, like he was going into a trance.

"When I was young, Caleb, I always knew what I wanted."  He took a long
break, reverting his mind to what it had previously been, before he
continued.  "I wanted a wife, kids, a good job... everything." Another
lapse; like it was hard for him to go back to that place.  "I had it in my
head, that I'd find *that* person and once I found them I could really
start forging my life."  His eyes hit mine for the first time since he
started.  "Like you guessed, I was around a lot of women," he returned his
attention to his hand, "...even as early as university, just sifting
through, waiting.  I didn't mind if the girl I was with wasn't the one, I
figured I'd just enjoy myself.  Try to find my wife, but if I had a lot of
fun along the way, that was just a bonus." He shakes his head, knowing
where to story was leading.

Thinking of Mikaihail with other people was something that never failed to
make me feel ill and inadequate.  But hearing him, with his sad tone, I
didn't feel that way this time.

"The years passed by, at first I didn't even care, I didn't even notice.
Then when I turned 30, over a decade of looking, of finding nothing, no one
who interested me beyond... the obvious... I didn't know why I
hadn't... and I started feeling like I needed to find them quickly, I
couldn't keep waiting to start my life."  He took a deep breath and slowly
let it out.  "But even after getting serious about it, nothing changed.  I
had been around women my entire life, I knew what they were like, how they
acted, how they reacted to me, and...  what it was like to be with them
after a few months..." He took another moment to reminisce, "...They were
all the same to me, nothing separated them."

His hands stopped moving and he took a hold of me instinctively, his body
telling the story before his mind had a chance to get it out.  "Another few
years later and I made a realisation..." He looked at me with an unfamiliar
face, somehow less put together than he always was.  "...I was an idiot."

He looked away again.  "*The one*" He scoffed. "...Love. What bullshit.
There was no such thing.  Just a lie.  I felt like such a moron for
believing something so juvenile."

The sentiment in his words was so genuine in its rejection of the notion.
It hit me hard, his dismissal of possible attachment to a person - to be
honest - to me.

He wasn't really explaining it anymore, he was recounting it to himself.
"When I realised that, realised that anyone of my past flings... was as
good as it gets..." He shook his head with a sense of anger, the same anger
he felt then, "...All those years waiting for something that wasn't even
real... I realised I had wasted my time, my life."

"I met Eleanor shortly after that.  She wanted the same things I did: kids,
marriage... so I settled down.  We dated, I proposed, we married, bought a
house, had a kid... it was the life I had dreamed about, but just the
reality of it, not some fairytale bullshit."

His gripped weakened as he continued, the story morphing beyond its
original purpose.  "After a few years I was content.  I felt I had
everything I wanted, family, house, car, great job, promotion after
promotion... life was going well.  None of it was like I thought it would
be, but that was just because... that's how it was - how life really was."

He turned his gaze to me, his eyes more like the ones I had become attached
to.  "I still remember the first time I met you, it was after an evening
mass outside the church."

I remembered very well the night he was referring to, though I had noticed
him a while before that.  Weeks of staring at him across the church when I
was lucky enough to get a clear view. His stature was hard to miss, I
didn't even know him, yet I was captivated already.  When our families met,
I was incredibly nervous, but I remained as calm and detached as I always
was.

"I had found out that your mother was a council member and thought I could
make a good contact."  He continued after a moment.  "The first time I laid
my eyes on you... you struck me."  He smiled at me, remembering our first
contact.  "The way you... you... you weren't like anyone else I had met.
Completely a person unto yourself."  He stroked his hand through my hair,
lost in the nostalgia.  "To be honest, when our families started having
dinner together, I felt a little... off when I was around you; but I didn't
know why."  I frowned at his negative remark.  Mikaihail was my life, the
idea he didn't like me was threatening to my very purpose.  He read my
expression and kissed me, letting me know that certainly wasn't our
relationship now.  "You didn't fit.  I didn't understand why I felt the way
I did, which made it worse."  He pulled me closer to his body, his arms
wrapping around me.  "I was always interested in you though, thought you
were compelling.  You didn't talk much so I didn't get a lot out of you at
first, but as the months went on, I got pieces of you here and there and I
became more... absorbed.  I didn't realise at the time, what it was.  I
wanted more, wanted to know you, to talk to you, to listen to you, to help
you, so I tried to pull you out of your shell as best I could, but you
didn't make it easy."

I had to interject.  "Because you were intimidating!" I exclaimed.  "I
wanted you to like me because I was so infatuated with you.  But I so did
not want to say something wrong... that I usually ended up saying nothing."

He kissed me again.  "Still intimidating?"

I caught my breath.  "Yes."

He smiled and let out a single, soft chuckle.

A silence ensued, his mind returned to the story.  His eyes darkened and I
knew where his mind was.

"And then it happened..." He looked at me knowingly, the sore spot for him
was the exact opposite for me.  His face filled with hatred for himself,
hatred at what he had done.  "I had finally found it, what I had wanted all
my life, the thing I didn't even believe in anymore.  Love.  The person who
meant everything to me, more than even myself.  And... the thing I do after
finding you?"  The anger tears began to well.  "I hurt you, I violated you
in the worst way possible..."  The look in his eyes as he remembers that
day... was harrowing.  "Your helpless little self, lying beneath me, after
I had r..." But he couldn't finish.

I hated that part of me that was a source of such self-loathing for him.
But hearing it from his perspective, his whole story, I could understand it
better; why he hated himself despite the experience being very different
for me.

I brought his palm to the side of my face and rested into it, letting him
know the hatred was not reciprocated.  The contact brought his eyes to
mine, he searched them, looking for the appropriate misery, a feeling that
would be forever absent.

His sentiment lifted "...And I realised that off feeling was because you
proved me wrong.  There really was something more and all that time I was
searching for someone who didn't even exist yet."  He gave a half smile.
"I like to think it was me: desperately searching for you, that brought you
into the world - that you were made just for me."

His sentiment took another dive as his eyes broke away from mine.  "You
made everything meaningless, my job, my life, it was all just a sham, a
useless attempt to feel happy in the face of the fact that I had nothing."

He was silent, still holding onto the feeling of remorse.  I realised he
wasn't going to continue, so I took my turn.  "Well you fooled me, I
thought you had a perfect life, had everything you wanted."

He shrugged with heavily muted enthusiasm.  "...Fooled myself for a while."

He stared directly at me, his eyes piercing into me.  "You're my entire
life, Caleb."

Hearing how he put me on such a pedestal was difficult to handle.  I wasn't
a good enough person to be that to Mikaihail.  I could maybe be an
important side part of his life... But me - I could not be Mikaihail's
entire world.  I am too small a person.

I chuckle uncomfortably at his adoration and my inadequacy.  "You shouldn't
say things like that."

"Why? It's the truth."

"I'm not that person. I'm not enough to be your world... not someone as
incredible as you."

Mikaihail's story had worked, it had changed my view.  Eleanor didn't win
Mikaihail, she was simply the next person on the conveyor belt, all of
them, no matter who it ended up being, none of them would have been good
enough for him.  I didn't harbour resentment anymore, she hadn't trapped
Mikaihail or beat down the person he is.  She was... a symbol... a marker
of a grey life.

He bowed his forehead to mine.  "You're the only one who is, and the only
one who has ever come close." He smirked.  "You can't escape this one, My
Caleb, you're just going to have to accept it."

I smirked weakly back, he was right, I couldn't escape it "It's the same
for me you know."

"What?"

"You rescued me, Mikaihail.  What a sad life I would have had, if you
hadn't done what you did.  University, Medicine, just trying to carve out
something for myself.  And the worst part is..." I shake my head.  "I never
would have even known.  I never would have known the extent of life I was
missing out on."  I stared into his eyes sincerely.  "I can't stand it when
you talk about what happened that afternoon.  It's scary to think what
might happen if you controlled yourself, if could have chosen not to do it,
if you could have taken that back."

He huffed.  "If I could take it back, take back hurting you, I would, in a
second."

I quickly fell into a frightened nausea.  "No.  I wouldn't let you.  I
would never risk changing things.  I have you. I would go through the worst
experiences in my life a thousand times over if it meant still ending up
with you."

"No, Caleb.  I love you.  There is no circumstance where you don't end up
in my arms.  Us?  It would have happened anyway."

"It might not have." I spoke gravely and hurt.  "How can you gamble that?
I don't care how horrible it was for you, I would endure the worst torture
if it meant I would still have you.  It may be awful in your mind, but
isn't that better than possibly leaving me, having me end up alone, you not
being there for me."  My eyes wilting with the idea.

He retreated his head from mine.  "That's not fair, Caleb, you can't ask it
like that, it won't make what happened right."

"This isn't a hypothetical situation. This is our life, we know what
happened because of it."  I wanted to convince him, to beat my head against
that wall some more.  "I try not to look at us as right and wrong, or good
and bad... at least not how other people would see it... that is a really
stacked deck. I only think of whether something is okay, based on how it
affects you."

"I destroyed you Caleb, your innocence, your pristine... I took everything
someone evil would.  How can you think that would ever be okay?"

"Because it wasn't like that for me.  It was the fulfilment of me.  Of so
desperately wanting to be close to you.  There was nothing bad about it."

His expression, completely unbelieving, as though I was only trying to
soothe him.

I tried to be more level with him, forcing myself to be sincere.  "Sure, it
was painful... but it meant so much more to me.  I never thought of it
as... violent."

"I robbed you of so much." He lowers his head.  "I just wish our first time
could have been more... ideal.  Me courting you, spoiling you, letting you
fall in love with me until you can't stand it." He smiled with an
emptiness, knowing it could only be fictional.  "Then making it important,
plan it, make it special, laying you down carefully, take it slow, really
experience it, feel everything, every small feeling, as I carefully make
you mine for the first time."

"But it *was* special.  It was special because it was my first time with
you.  And, really, that's all I cared about."

His mind seemed unwilling to let go, only able to see what he had done as
abhorrent.  I was at a loss, it seemed impossible to convince him.

"But you have to know, however you see it... it wasn't bad for me," I shake
my head, the characterisation so far from what it really was, "I liked
it...  Do you at least realise that?"

He takes a second, still in the gloom, before nodding once and lifting his
eyes to mine. "But it's only because you, My Caleb, are completely insane."

I smiled, insane or not, it was still true.  "That's good enough... for
now."

He reached for my hand and gently intertwined our fingers, looking at me
with that familiar affection.  The expression was now even more intense, as
though I could now see the story behind it.

"I'll do whatever I can to be good enough for you."

"Just keep breathing, Caleb."

I took an uneasy breath.  "Whatever happens."

He eyes me questioningly for a moment.  "I know we've been talking a lot
about the future; hypotheticals, but you know none of that matters right?"
He inspects my face, looking for doubt. "Whether everything goes our way or
it turns out to be a shitstorm, I'll still have you.  Everyday. To come
home to. To go to sleep with.  To wake up beside.  No matter how our lives
turn out, that's all I need. It's more than enough to know my life will be
better than I ever hoped it could be, even back then... and far better than
I deserve."

He pulled me against his body, my jaw resting in the crook of his neck, as
he embraced me tightly.  "I'll protect you, My Caleb, you're safe."

I loved that Mikaihail was so protective, but I didn't want him to feel he
had to carry all the burden.  Even as awful as Eleanor's visit had been, I
wanted him to know I could endure what it meant to be his partner; he
didn't need to shield me from it.  "I can handle these types of things, I
can be there for you, share the burden... you don't have to go crazy about
protecting me."

His grip tightened again, holding onto me and the moment.  "...I spent so
long looking for you... and now that I have you I am so afraid of losing
you... I know, far too well, what my life would be like if you were no
longer in it ... you are the only one, you are the most precious thing to
me Caleb..." His loosens one hand and runs it down my back, "so I'm sorry
if I hold you too tightly."

I tensed, holding onto his words before shedding a concealed tear.  "Don't
apologise."  Mikaihail had endured his loneliness for so much longer than I
had.  That prolonged mental isolation that had shredded his soul for
decades had carved out a capacity far greater than I had and, for the first
time, I felt like maybe he loved me more than I could love him.

Alice, Eric, Eleanor, all these obstacles had been cleared.  There may be
some last struggles, but I finally felt that our relationship was on the
favourable side of survival.  I was going to be Mikaihail's partner for a
long time to come... and I would do everything to be the eminent person he
saw his *one* as.

The summer travelling, then my final year, then our new life would really
start.  I could endure anything as long as Mikaihail was by my side, but in
the back of my mind I would always have Mikaihail's promise: his 10 year
bet.

*********

Author's Note: Thank you for reading the story.  I put a lot of time and
effort into these so it's always nice to hear what people think of my
writing.  I know how much some of you like this story so I will try
extremely hard to complete it not matter how long it takes me.  I find
e-mails really motivating, so if you could take a little time I'd really
appreciate you sending a message along to calebnathanial@hotmail.com

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