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A small sermon. Nothing in life is free. Everything costs, and Nifty is no different, so please send them a couple of $'s/£'s to cover costs and stuff. They're very discreet, and you won't get your name in lights if you do.
The Angel of Pie Jesu.
By John T. S. Teller.
Book one – Star in the Hood.
I swing the Audi A4 onto the car park and make my way to where I know Aleric is waiting for me. He said he would wait in the depression where he made me touch him, but he's waiting for me almost by the sandy path. He's wearing exactly the same clothes, and I can't help but take a sharp intake of breath as I stare at him. Between the blue woollen hat and the turned up collar of his bomber jacket, his face is beauty personified. Again he has rosy cheeks, and they enhance the whole of his countenance. I smile at him, and say, "Hello, Star in the Hood."
He smiles, and then grins. "Why have you got that?"
That is a woollen blanket under my arm that I bought in Greifswald, and in answer to his question, I sort of shrug him off with, "I found it. I thought it might come in handy."
Aleric takes my free arm and looks up at me; the brilliant whiteness of his eyes contrasting with his solar-flare pupils, and as I stare into them, I can't help but shake my head at the beauty of them, and then I break the gaze and walk on with Aleric's arms linked around one of mine. When we've walked a short way, he looks up at me, and again he asks, "You still haven't told me why you've got the blanket."
I wink at him. "If I can get you under this, it will be like going to bed with you. I'll never get the chance to do it for real, so I might as well settle for second best."
There's a twinkle in Aleric's eyes when he says, "We will be sleeping together. You're going to invite me to Berlin, and I'm going to stay with you in your apartment."
I chuckle, and then lower my head so it's resting on his woollen hat. "In your dreams! You don't think they'll let you spend a night in bed with an old man, do you?"
"I was thinking more of a week. I've been planning it."
I hug his arms even tighter. "Have you now? Let me know when you've got permission. I'll put the flags up and hold a street party."
One of Aleric's hands slips down from my elbow, and he takes my hand in his, and we entwine our fingers. "I'll let you know when I'm coming. It will give you time to wash your underpants."
"The locked ones?"
I hear him chuckle again. "I'll bring some snippers with me."
"And you think I'll let you near my cassock with a pair of snippers!" Aleric doesn't reply to my quip, instead, he giggles, and then he pulls us to a halt and turns us so we're looking at the sea. He lifts my arm and puts it around his shoulders, and then slips his own arm around my waist and comes closer. I hug his shoulder to increase the hug, and as he leans his head against me, again I lower my own so it's resting on his woollen hat. There's a gentle swell, and the waves are rippling on the sand rather than crashing against it, and the chill breeze makes us come even closer together. We stand for a while, just the two of us and sea and the gentle waves, and I feel an overwhelming sense of well-being knowing I'm with the boy I love. Never have I felt more complete, and I can't help whispering, "I love you."
Aleric nods his head. "I know you do, and I love you. That's why I was just thanking God for bringing you to me." Then he turns his head up and brushes my lips with his, and I can see his eyes searching in my own when he says, "Why? Why did it happen? You weren't even supposed to be at the theatre that night. But you were, and now we love each other, and we're here by the sea together. It's as if we've both walked into a different world. Why?"
I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. All I do know is that you're the only person who's ever been able to touch whatever it is that I am. I look into your eyes and feel whole; complete; intensely happy, and I can't think of a single reason why I deserve you."
Aleric smiles, and then lets go of me and begins searching on the ground for something. He finds it; a flat, almost circular, agate stone about ten centimetres across, and comes to me. He lifts it to my lips, and says, "I want you to kiss this, and when you're doing it, I want you to put every bit of your love into it you possibly can, and look into my eyes while you're doing it." The stone is firm against my lips as I kiss it and stare into the depths of the boy I love, and I signal that I'm done by closing and opening my eyes. Aleric then brings the stone to his own lips, and kisses it while he stares into my eyes, and I can tell by the intensity of his eyes that his love for me is as strong as mine. And then he turns and throws the stone out into the sea, where it bounces twice and disappears beneath the waves. When it's gone, he comes to me and hugs me tightly, and says, "Our love is sealed in that stone, and nobody can ever break it. The stone now belongs to the sea. I love this sea, and it will look after us. I know it will." I'm overwhelmed by the childish act, and all I can do is hold Aleric tight in my arms, wanting to seal this moment for ever. And my thoughts are echoing within Aleric, because he lifts his head, looks into my eyes, and says, "No matter what happens in the future, promise me you'll always remember this moment until the day you die."
I nod. "I will. I promise."
Suddenly, Aleric gives me one of his cheeky grins, and says, "Come on! I want to get you under that blanket!"
When we reach our special place, I take the blanket from Gareth. It's too big for me to handle alone, so he helps me settle it on the grass in the depression. Now we're out of the wind, it seems warm, so I take off my hat and bomber jacket and lie in the middle of the blanket, leaving enough space so that when Gareth lies beside me, I can pull the rest of it over us. He takes off his overcoat and jacket and puts them by my clothes, and then lies beside me, facing me. I pull the blanket over us, and Gareth pulls it tight so we're snuggled closely together, puts one arm under me and the other around me, and pulls me to him. I put my arms around his neck, and we stare into each other's eyes.
I love the feel of Gareth's stubble on my chin as he gently kisses my lips, and when we begin to play with each other's lips, my pinkler swells in my jeans. There's no fun in his beautiful eyes now, just an expression of what I'm feeling: passion; and I know with certainty that what I want, he wants. He has both hands on my bum now; fondling them not too gently, and crushing our bodies together. I begin to lose it, and I lock my lips with his and watch him close his eyes as the kiss becomes open-mouthed and passionate. Our tongues play games. Then he pulls my shirt from my jeans and pushes it and my pullover right up, and I feel his hands fondling the nakedness of my shoulders and back. I take my hands from around his neck and pull up the front of my shirt and pullover, and then I try to do to Gareth what he's done to me. He eases himself up to help me, and I get his clothes up, too, and then wrap my arms around him to pull him close, and the sensation of my naked skin rubbing on the hairs of his chest makes me moan. Gareth is trying to get his hands inside my jeans, but because they're tight around the waist, he can't get them in. I need to help him, so I put my hand down, undo the top button and pull down the zip, and then lock my arms around his neck again. His hands slip under my jeans and underpants and onto my naked buttocks, and I become light-headed, and my kisses become frantic, even more so when he pushes my jeans and underpants down to my knees and pulls us together again.
The searching fingers of one hand goes deep between my bum cheeks, and the ends of his fingers stroke along the length of them, touching my hole every time he strokes me, which makes me shudder. But that's nothing to how I feel when his hand leaves my bum and goes down the back of my leg to my knee, and then comes around to fondle the front of my thigh. I let my upper leg slip back so his hand slides onto the soft, inner part, and he strokes that gently, and each stroke takes him higher to where my swollen pinkler is waiting for him. It's like electricity is making every nerve in my body tingle as the hand gets higher, and then the real shock as I feel his fingers fondling my balls, so I roll over onto my back and open my legs as wide as I can get them, constrained only by the jeans on my knees. I'm yours now, Gareth. Aleric Hahn, the boy who loves you, belongs completely to you, and you can do whatever you want to me.
I'm lost in a sea of sexuality. I've never known passions like this, because the boy I love is offering himself to me. This isn't something I've done; this is something we both knew would happen the moment we set out on our walk. Now, as I caress and fondle his ballsac and run my fingers between the legs he's opened as wide as he can, down the continuation of his cock that lies below his balls, I can feel him trembling. This is the moment, and because I need permission to go further, I look deeply and questioningly into his eyes. He swallows hard, and with a smile seeping from his gorgeous eyes, he nods. I smile at him, kiss him gently on the lips, and move my hand up. He shudders and shakes and almost sobs as I take his slender, rock-hard throbbing penis in my hand.
Gareth is looking into my eyes. My Beautiful Man wants to know if he can go the last mile, or in this case, the last three centimetres. The moment is so beautiful, I'm almost crying. I think of Herr Biermaier and how I hate him. But this is not him. This is the man I've fallen in love with; the man who wouldn't be doing this to me now if didn't want it. I'm not being abused; this is what I want, and not solely what someone else wants. I've suffered at the hands of Herr Biermaier, and this is Pie Jesu's way of telling me that this kind of sex is not always wrong. With the man you love, it's beautiful.
Pie Jesu: Qui tollis peccata mundi: dona eis requiem.
I smile, and nod, and I feel my beautiful Gareth's hand slip up and grasp my hardness, and I feel that if I died now, I would be happy. This was our destiny. Since the first moment we set eyes on each other, although we didn't know it at the time, the looks we were giving each other were both requests and invitations to this point we've arrived at now.
Pie Jesu, qui tollis peccata mundi.
Aleric's most private part is in my hand, and my fingers are exploring it. How long is it? Twelve centimetres? Maybe even fourteen when I push my fingers down at the base of the hard shaft. Just a hint of pubic hair above the base, but that's all. Not much thicker than my thumb, and up to the knob, it's rippled with rigid, expectant, throbbing, blood-filled tissue. Above the unyielding shaft, his foreskin is peeling back, presenting me with the most sensitive part of his boyhood. I'd dreamed and fantasised of this moment, but nothing could have prepared me for the astonishing feeling of having that smoothness; that almost amorphous flesh between my fingers. But I don't want to make him sore, so I use his foreskin to caress it; pulling it over and off my boy's most precious jewel. We're kissing soft lips, and he's staring into my eyes as I'm stroking him, and then it happens. He locks his arms around my neck, crushes our mouths together, and never have I known a more beautiful moment in my life as he shakes and shudders and squeals to his peak.
My emotions are all over the place when tears fall from my eyes as I stare into my boy's face as he strokes my cheeks. He wipes the tears away, and licks them from his fingers, and it's almost as if he can read my thoughts when he says, "Don't feel guilty. It will spoil things." I can't help it; I begin to sob deeply, and the hardness within my underpants dies as quickly as it rose. Aleric puts his arms around my neck again, and crushes me to him. "Shhhh. Shhhhh. I love you Gareth."
I cling to my Beautiful Man as we walk back to the car. All thoughts of doing it a second time and of doing it to Gareth disappeared when I saw how upset he was, and it took a long time of telling him how much I loved him and how beautiful he was and how what had happened was because it was meant to be, before I could bring him out of the state he'd got himself into, and during the walk back it's me who's doing all the loving while Gareth just half-smiles and repeatedly plants gentle kisses on me. I should have expected it really: he's a very sensitive person; the very opposite of Herr Biermaier, and I'd just led him into a part of our lives that he wasn't quite ready for. I'm feeling guilty; not for what has happened, but because I hadn't judged the moment right. But maybe I have. It had to happen sometime. It's what we are, and even though Gareth is upset, I know it's what he wants. Oh yes, I'm even more sure of that now.
The climax had been amazing; without doubt the sexiest experience of my life. I was almost there when he was feeling at the part of my pinkler that's below my balls. He was running his fingers along it until he got to the part where it disappears inside me, almost by my bum hole. And then the feelings half went away when he was fondling my balls again. But when he began to touch my knob and roll my foreskin on and off, there was no way I could stop myself, and the feelings surged from inside my bum, up through my balls, and exploded out of my pinkler. I've never felt anything like it; I almost fainted when I shivered and moaned and kissed Gareth so roughly to tell him that everything I was feeling was for him; that all the love I had for him was in that amazing experience. That's why it was so special; not only my spirit, but my sexuality belongs to him... to my Beautiful Man.
We reach his hired car, and he's still not right. I'm loathe to leave him like this, but we have to part. He's due at our house in two hours, and he has to go back to the hotel to change cars. When we do part, as I look back, he cuts a lonely figure looking out over the sea. He doesn't ignore me. Occasionally, he looks at me and gives me a small wave. My final vision is of him with his hands deep in his overcoat pockets, his head down, and I'm almost sure he's crying, and when I turn the corner and can't see him, I begin to cry myself, because I have a horrible feeling inside that he may not be capable of accepting what he is: a lover of boys, and even more important: Aleric Hahn's lover. Oh my God, I love him so much!
I look into the water and want to throw myself in and feel my life being taken away. Aleric asked me not to feel guilty, but I do. Yes, I know Aleric wanted it, and so did I, but that doesn't make it right. I'm a fucking paedophile, and no amount of self-pity can change that. Today I've discovered my true self, and I don't like what I am. When I know Aleric can't see me, I sob uncontrollably. I need to speak to someone who understands, so I go to the car and ring Kurt, and I'm relieved when I hear his comforting voice. "Hello sweetheart! How are you? I'm missing you like mad."
It takes me a full ten minutes to explain things, and I don't leave anything out, and I tell him I'm thinking of driving back to Berlin immediately, and then I wait for what my friend has to say.
"Darling, I did tell you not to feel guilty if this happened, and you mustn't. You've given Aleric what he wants. Don't his feelings count? Don't be so fucking selfish! Your bashing yourself about the head will make Aleric feel guilty. Is that what you want? The boy loves you with all his little heart, but what's just happened wasn't him giving you what you want, even though you do want it. No, you gave him what he wanted. You have no idea how he's feeling, do you? Right now, if you haven't spoilt things with your guilt, he'll be feeling on top of the world. The man he loves has just given him the greatest sexual experience of his life. You should be feeling pleased with yourself. I know he's extraordinarily beautiful, and looks like an angel on the outside, but he's a normal boy on the inside. If you desert him now, I won't ever want to speak to you again."
I'm stunned by Kurt's final comment. "Do you really mean that?"
"Yes. You know I love you, but if you hurt that boy, then I just won't be able to look you in the face again. He loves you; he wants you, and if you desert him, it will cause him untold psychological damage for the rest of his life. He'll feel dirty, and hate himself for allowing you to touch him. He'll feel like an abuser! Is that what you want?"
Kurt's words are ripping into me; deep into my psyche, and as much as I'm feeling shit about myself, I can't possibly allow Aleric to feel bad about himself for something that's really my fault. And it is. I'm responsible for everything. I'm the adult, and whatever else Aleric is, he's still a young, impressionable boy.
Kurt interrupts my thoughts, and continues, "You're not abusing Aleric, Gareth. Aleric knows that. There's no way on earth he would have given himself to you if he thought you were like `them'; those that prey on children. Trust me darling... if there's one time in your life when you have to trust someone, it's now, and you have to trust me and accept what I'm saying. So go to his house this afternoon and bask in his company. Enjoy him; love him, because he wants to enjoy and love you. Get off your high horse, and stop trying to be fucking perfect, you stupid Welsh bastard!"
I'm stunned. Kurt was crying when he broke the call and left me staring at the sea.
I'm nervous as hell, and I'm half expecting Gareth not to come, but when I do see his sleek, black car draw up by the house, I can't stop the tears seeping from my eyes when I go to meet him. He gets out of the car holding a small bag and a large bunch of flowers, and when I go to him and stand by the car, even though I know he can see that I've got tears in my eyes, he grins at me, and says, "Hello, Star in the Hood."
Through my tears, I grin back at him. "Hello. You made it then?"
He winks at me, but his face is serious as he looks into my eyes. "Just about, with Kurt's help. Something cropped up this morning, and I nearly had to go back to Berlin."
I stare at him. "But you're not?"
He smiles; a contained smile. "No. I just needed to get something sorted in my head."
"And it's sorted?"
"Yes. Thanks to Kurt, it's sorted now. I'm sorry if I spoiled things this morning. I'll make it up to you I promise, so let's enjoy Weihnachten. ILY."
Gareth gives me a handkerchief. I blow my nose and secretly wipe away my tears, and then I whisper, "I love you more than anything in the world, and what we did today was the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me." Then I grin at him, and say, "I love Kurt, too, and I'm going to hold you to your promise!"
Gareth giggles. "I thought you might."
And we're both giggling when we walk into the house.
It's an hour since I arrived at Aleric's home in Wieck; a lovely place; two-storey, but small and only two bedrooms. The exterior of the house is painted blue and white, and has a red-tiled roof, and the interior of the single main room on the ground floor is warm and clean and comfortable. At one end of the room is a large dining table with six chairs, and behind them an old oak dresser full of photographs and old pottery. There's an upright piano by the wall next to the entrance door, and almost the whole of the rest of the room is taken up by a large, brown-velour divan/sofa that's sprinkled with home-made cushions, and thick, home-made rugs covering most of the polished, hardwood floor. There's a log fire blazing merrily away in a slate fireplace, and two old rocking chairs each side of it. And I'm both jealous and moved, because this is a proper home that shouts its warmth and love at me; the home where my boy grew from a baby into the magical creature who has come into my life.
Ralf is sitting in one of the rocking chairs now, puffing away on his pipe. I'm in the other, and I'm reading The Hobbit out loud. Aleric and Gottwin are lying on their bellies between us, staring at me with their heads supported in cupped hands, and elbows resting on a thick rug, and they're both giggling at me as I try to make the story as realistic as I can. Identical twins. They most certainly look like it now as they lie in front of me; their jean clad legs splayed behind them, and I can't tell one cute bum from the other.
Gretel is ironing. She grins at me. "You should have had ten children of your own, Gareth."
I grin back at her. "No thanks. I feel a bit like my grandmother. She always used to say, `I like kids now because I can always hand them back'."
Ralf laughs. "Your grandmother was a wise woman. I wish I'd never got married."
Gretel humphs. "Hmmm! It was the best day in your life when you met me!"
They're still throwing friendly insults at each other when I finish a chapter of the story, and say, "Right, who wants to go for a ride in my posh car?"
Aleric and Gottwin are up like a shot, and so is Gunther, who's sitting at the table pretending to read something else, but isn't, because I heard him giggling at me as I read the story.
As I drive with Gunther at the side of me because he's the oldest and biggest, with Aleric and Gottwin in the two small seats in the back, I explain to them what the car can do, and what all the gadgets are for. Gunther is more than excited, and I ask him if he can drive yet. He says he has a licence and can drive, but hasn't driven a car like mine, so I stop the car at the side of the road and tell him to swap seats with me. It's a cold day, but again the sun is shining, and I drop the soft top before Gunther takes the wheel. For half an hour he drives us around the familiar streets he knows, and the more he drives; the more proficient he becomes, until, eventually, he's driving my car almost as well as I do. Finally, he stops in the car park by the harbour, and grins at me when he says, "That was fantastic! Thanks Gareth. Wait 'till I tell them at work what I've been doing!"
I laugh. "I'll let you borrow it sometime, and you can go chasing the girls in it."
He laughs. "That would be fun!"
Now we're all laughing, and as I drive back with the soft top open and the boys' hair blowing in the wind, I feel as happy as I've done for years. I stop outside the house, and Gunther and Gottwin go in to tell their parents about the trip. Aleric stays with me as I wait for the soft top to close.
Through the interior mirror, he looks into my eyes, and says, "Are you glad you stayed now?"
I look back into his eyes. "Are you?"
His face is serious. "If you'd gone back to Berlin, I think I would have cried forever."
We get out of the car, and I put my hand on his shoulder and lead him towards the house. Then I say, "You wouldn't have shed as many tears as I would. I don't want to live without you, Aleric. I love you too much for that now."
Aleric smiles. "Maybe we should get married?"
I chuckle. "Maybe we should."
I can't take my eyes off Gareth while we're eating. Mum has changed our places from the normal seating arrangements, and I'm sitting next to him. Our legs are firmly pressed together under the table, and I can feel the warmth of him. Occasionally, we increase the pressure to pass loving signals between us. Things are back to normal with us now, but I'm fully aware that the stuff we did at our special place this morning almost brought to an end our friendship. I knew it had affected him, but when he told me he had spoken to Kurt about it, I knew he'd been discussing the sexual side of us. Kurt is a homosexual, and he would have been able to explain things to Gareth: things that he was ignorant about. I'm not ignorant. My experiences with Herr Biermaier have taught me a lot. I'm not sure if I'm gay or not. I certainly am as far as Gareth is concerned. But I like girls as well. I like Freda Schmidt who lives four doors away. She's sixteen, and has lovely tits.
After tea, we're all sitting about, chatting and watching TV. Dad is in one rocking chair, and Gareth in the other, and they're gassing away like two old women. Occasionally, I look at Gareth, and he grins at me. The doorbell goes. Mum answers it, and then shouts to us, "Aleric! Gottwin! It's Jonas, and he wants to know if you want to spend half an hour on your bikes with him."
Gottwin gets up to go, and I'm about to say `no', when I see Gareth give me a hidden nod. Why would he want me to leave him? Maybe he wants to try and make things as normal as possible between us. If it was anybody else but Gareth here, I'd be only too glad to spend a half hour out of the house. I shout to mum, "Yes. Tell him we'll be out in a minute." I look at Gareth. "You'll still be here when we get back?"
"Yes. Unless your parents want to kick me out, that is."
Mum laughs. "I can't see Ralf letting you go yet, Gareth."
I grin at Gareth. "See you later then."
Gottwin says, "See you later, Gareth."
He grins. "See you later, boys. Be careful on the roads!"
Thank goodness Aleric took my hidden hint. It will help to dispel any thoughts that we're anything but friends thrown together from an experience in Berlin, and there's something I want to do that's best said while he's not around. Fortunately, neither is Gunther. He's gone to clean his bike. I couldn't have arranged it better if I'd wanted to.
As soon as the boys have gone, Ralf grins. "That's a few less pests about the place. The best part is when they're in bed. It's the only time I get any peace and quiet. Would you like a drink, Gareth?"
I grin at him. "I thought you'd never ask."
"Schatz, get Gareth and me a beer please."
Gretel humphs again. "I'll give you Schatz! You're only nice to me when you want something!"
Ralf grins. "It's no use having a dog and barking oneself, Schatz."
Gretel comes to us with two beers in hard porcelain drinking steins. She gives one to Ralf. "Woof woof!" And then she comes to me, and grins. "Woof woof!"
I chuckle. "Thank you... Schatz."
Ralf is still giggling when he lights his pipe, and then takes a drink from his stein. I look at his eyes, and I can see where Aleric gets his from. In fact, both twins have his special eyes. I lift my pot. "Cheers, and thank you for having me. I can't remember enjoying a day so much for a long time. It's a funny old world."
Ralf grins. "Indeed it is. It's been good to have you. Will you spend more of Weihnachten with us?"
"I'd love to, if it's no trouble."
"It's no trouble. The boys seem very fond of you. You're quite a special person... for a Welshman."
I laugh. "You're not so bad yourself... for a German. What kind of fishing did you do when you were fit?"
"Cod. We made a living out of cod."
I take a drink of my beer. "Could you not have had your boat adapted so you could continue to fish?"
Ralf shakes his head. "I could, but it would have been too expensive. Anyway, at the time of the accident I didn't know how the injuries would affect me. I was in hospital for two months, and I'm still coming to terms with the injury. The chance came to sell the boat, and I had to do it because the bills were mounting up while I wasn't working. So, for right or wrong, I sold it."
"What do you miss most now you're disabled?"
Ralf puffs on his pipe before he answers. "My independence. I miss that more than anything. I suppose I'm lucky. I have a good family, and they get me through it, but it's not a husband or father's place to be waited on hand and foot."
"Then why don't you do something about it?"
Ralf stares at me. "Like what?"
"Like getting a boat adapted, and going back to sea."
I'm not sure whether the eyes that bore into mine are angry; envious; spiteful, or filled with hate when he says, "It's easy for you to talk."
Ralf doesn't know it, but it's not easy for me to talk. I'm in love with his son, and the only way I'm going to continue our liaison is to create an environment where I can be with him. But despite me being a ruthless businessman, and having an ulterior motive, I'm not a callous bastard. I'm actually feeling very philanthropic towards this lovely family who are on their arses through no fault of their own. Fate has thrown us together, and if I were to walk away from here, I'd feel a real bastard knowing I was leaving them to an uncertain future. I have the ability to make this family almost whole again, and I bloody well intend doing it. I knew the reaction I would get from Ralf when I asked him why he didn't get a boat adapted and go back to sea. Any man worth his salt would have spit my words back at me, but I needed to be cruel to be kind. The next half hour will probably give me the answers to a lot of things. I hope it turns out right, because just the next few minutes will have me risking losing the most precious thing in the world to me. But I haven't got where I am without planning each move I make, and when I look at Ralf, I stare directly into his eyes. What I have to say has to come from the heart, and Ralf will know by my eyes whether I'm genuine or not.
To be continued...
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