The Swallow Sorrow Doll
DISCLAIMER: This story contains adult content.
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"No, no, no," she stated walking up and down in the house, "I can't have this around my son."
I knew she was upset. At no other time would she have her Efren playing with Doki in the living room. She must have been real pissed off. Efren was really trying to get into the conversation though. I stood silently in the corner while Caprio was arguing with her. I could see Caprio standing there.
"Are you kicking him out, because if you are kicking him out I am leaving as well," Caprio stated.
He stood strong in his beliefs. He actually came over to me and held my hand throughout it all. It was clear he was the more dominant one in the relationship. Sometimes I wished it wasn't like that. Sometimes I wished I could open my mouth and speak for myself when I needed to.
"You are a homosexual?" Maya asked, "I can't believe this.
"I can't believe you are being so ... so blind to this," Caprio retorted completely, "Sure I've dated girls, but after...after, well you know what happened with your sister, I decided maybe I should try guys. I'd always had an attraction. I just didn't act on it."
"It's fucking disgusting," she stated.
She looked over at me. She was pacing around so hard. I could tell she was on the verge of steaming.
"I love him," Caprio stated, "There's nothing disgusting about love. Yeah, I've done all that I've done out of love. Tatum is the one in trouble...not me, but love is the reason I'm here."
"I knew he was trouble. What he do, rape some guy? Kill someone?"
"I didn't kill anyone," I told her.
She turned around slowly. It was odd for me to speak during an argument. I wasn't anywhere near an aggressive person. My voice was tender and soft. It was almost like I was struggling to get it out through these much more powerful personalities.
I looked over at Caprio for verification. He nodded.
I could see Efren and Doki quit their playing and look over. Little Doki saw how serious everyone was and he probably just got as serious, even though I don't think he would quite understand what I was saying.
crossed my arms, "It all started in
I had told her the story of my life. I told her everything. I told her about the rapes and child abuse. I told her about the mass suicide of all the children in my orphanage...except me.
Maya wrapped her arms around herself...it was a cold story.
I told all of them about Mauricio's offer. He found me. He saved me. We were a couple. We were a happy couple. Then Caprio. Then Wednesday. It was a story of betrayal. I betrayed Mauricio and Wednesday betrayed me.
"Damn I thought people out in the slums were bad," Efren said and lifted Doki up blocking his hearing, "This world is a horrible place..."
Maya was quiet.
She was breathing heavy and moved over to the fridge. Caprio had come over to hold me. I felt him put his hand around me.
"I feel...so bad for you," she continued, "I do...I feel terrible. You are so handsome, I thought your life was so...easy. I'm sorry for your troubles...but homosexuality is something. I don't think I can deal with it. My son..."
"I understand...I'll pack my things," I stated.
I walked over to the room.
I could see Caprio following me. He grabbed my hand, "Wait, Maya will understand. I promise she is going to understand. I just have to talk to her."
"Caprio...this isn't going to work."
"No, let me talk to her."
"Just go wait in the room. You don't have to pack. Just give me some time with her, ok?" Caprio asked.
I started packing my stuff as Maya and Caprio had their private talk. Truth was I wasn't going to wait. It wasn't just for Maya's sake, but for Caprio's as well.
I had done enough.
Enough was enough.
I was going to take responsibility for myself. I was going to get away from Caprio and take all my troubles with me. I knew he would follow me anywhere. If I went to jail, he'd want to get locked up as well. He felt he was `responsible' for me. Truth was I was losing his love...all the time.
I had to get away. I had to do what I should have done a long time ago.
I packed just a few things. I was nervous to pack too much because I felt like Caprio would come through the door any minute. I opened the window and pulled myself out of it.
I peered around the house and started to sneak out. Just as I made it all the way around the house, I saw Efren. I tried to make a dash for it, but he hopped over the railing of the porch and ended up by my side quicker then I thought.
"Where the hell are you going?"
"I'm getting away."
what?" he asked, "Caprio and Maya are still talking. Don't leave yet. Ok? Don't leave."
"Maya doesn't need these problems...I have to go."
Efren grabbed a hold of me, "Where you going to go? You have no where. What the hell are you going to do?"
"I have a little bit of money left. Just let me be...please..."
"Please, damn it. I'll be fine."
"You really want Caprio to kill me now don't you?" Efren explained, "You know I can't just let you leave. You know how much that boy loves you..."
"I'm doing this because I love him back.
"Then stay," Efren explained, "Listen, I stay with my parents, but I'm trying to move out. You, me and Caprio can find a place. You know I'm cool with the whole gay thing. I don't have any kids. It won't be a thing."
"Efren, where's Doki?"
Efren turned around immediately. He looked around and immediately started cursing. He was supposed to be watching the kid.
Then I spotted Doki and pointed. Doki had made his way all the way on the other side of the street and was still walking away, chasing a cat.
"Goddam it," Efren said, "Wait here Tatum, seriously, wait..."
Efren made a jet down the street after Doki. I turned and walked away. I couldn't answer to Efren. He had now heard the story but he hadn't lived through it. Pain and suffering followed me everywhere I went.
I didn't want to put it on Caprio. I didn't want to put it on Maya. I didn't want to put it on Efren and damn sure didn't want Doki dealing with my issues.
I made my way to the heart of the city, spending all day walking. I couldn't walk any longer. I could only have imagined what Caprio was thinking. I knew he was worried. I knew he was in pain, but hopefully soon he would just...forget me. Hopefully soon he'd be able to move on and be happy.
The street lights were all glimmering on and off as I made my way to a downtown diner. I was more then just a little hungry. I was damn near starving.
The diner I walked into wasn't the cleanest thing in the world, but it was far better then all the other ones that I had made my way around in this neighborhood. It was so dark outside and it felt safer here. It was empty...
"How you doing sir?" a woman asked as she came from behind the bar.
She wasn't a woman. She was a girl. She was probably just a teenager. It was damn near in the morning. Why was a girl this young working and not getting some rest for school? As she came closer I realized the answer.
Her stomach was big. It was obvious she was pregnant.
"I'm fine," I said smiling at her.
As she looked into my face, her own face seemed to light up, "Damn...you fine! You have to be the most handsome dark skin man I've seen in my life."
I wouldn't have been surprised if she was flirting with me, but I wasn't sure exactly. I figured it was just a compliment. I was bad with someone flirting with me however...I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
"Thanks a lot ma'am."
"What can I get you?"
"Um...just a coffee," I stated.
She poured the coffee in the mug and just stood there, almost as though trying to take a visual of my face. At first I was wondering if she recognized me from high fashion magazines or something but I was sure she didn't soon.
"I don't know what you doing around this part of town," she told me, "You that beautiful, you should go model."
I took a long sip of the coffee as the memories of what modeling once meant to me came pouring into my head like the coffee had come pouring into the mug.
"You're pretty too," I said, trying to take the attention off of me, "Have you tried modeling?"
Great...now I was flirting and didn't even mean it.
Before I knew it she was sitting down with me and telling me the story of her life. I didn't mind though. I didn't mind hearing about her.
"...He got me knocked up and he just left," she had finished her story sitting there with a cup full of coffee herself, "Can you believe it?"
"It's so sad. All the sad things that happen. I don't get it. I'm waiting for an answer," I told her.
She shrugged, "To what?"
"An answer to life. I don't understand why it can be so damn sad."
All of a sudden I wasn't the only one in the diner any more. I heard the door fly open and a few people started walking in. They were Hispanic. All of a sudden I began to assume the worse.
"Damn it, what the hell are they doing on this side of town," she explained, "This is black territory. You better get out of here. I'm about to call my brother. This is going to be trouble. I'll be right back."
As she finished warning me she got up slowly. I watched her face get serious. Damn I was in the middle of a gang war now and I just wanted some damn coffee.
As she walked into the backroom, they all took turns smacking her ass and grabbing for other things. They didn't even seem to care that she was pregnant.
"Hey Mamacita," a voice said, "Sexy...c'mere. C'mere."
I knew that voice. I knew it well. I saw one of them reach for her but she pulled away and went into the back room. The room started to fill up with Salvadorians. I recognized one immediately.
It was Jose. The same Jose that had tried to rape me. The same Jose that Caprio had put a gun too. I looked away from them, trying to attract the least amount of attention as possible.
They didn't seem to notice me.
"Where this bitch at? I have to be a nigger to get some service!" one of the boys had said.
I hadn't counted how many of them there were. Most likely it was only 3 or 4 of them. They joked around calling things out to the waitress who was still in the back. They were horrible things.
That was when they started having a conversation about sex.
"I fucked that bitch in her pussy hommes...it was so good hommes...the bitch was screaming. She was like yea daddy! Her pussy was like River Grande hommes."
I could tell they were getting excited.
I figured it was my best time to walk away. I got up out of my seat and turned toward the door. Only problem was that their table wasn't too far from the door. I grabbed onto my suitcase.
Just as I made it to the door, one of them grabbed me.
No it wasn't Jose. It was another one, that I hadn't seen before. He was taller and darker. He had tattoos everywhere as well. He had a scarf over his head and a gold tooth in his mouth.
He had stepped away from the others.
"Damn pa, you sexy," he whispered into my ear, "Pa, look at them lips. Damn...they'd look good wrapped around my dick hommes. You got some sexy ass lips."
I didn't know what else to say without causing a scene.
He seemed to think I liked his dirty talk because I saw him put his hand on my ass, grab it tightly and continue whispering.
"I usually don't get down like this, but look at you. You something special. Let me walk with you yo."
"Um...maybe we can talk outside," I stated.
the table I could see Jose. He still
hadn't turned around to look at fully but was looking in the peripheral of his
eyes, "You trying to talk to a guy Paolo?
You a fag hommes?"
The dude didn't say nothing he opened the door for me and stated, "Man, ain't no fag shit here. He just selling cds...I'm going to around the corner to look at some of them."
Jose finally got up, "He got some reggaeton?"
That was when Jose noticed my face. Fuck. I looked at my suitcase. There was no way I was going to be able to get away with this heavy ass suitcase. I needed it though. I didn't have any clothes. I had no idea how to get back to Maya's house. I wouldn't have anything without the damn suitcase but a couple dollars.
"Yo Paolo back the fuck up bruh," Jose stated, "That's my bitch."
"Man, I seen him first," Paolo argued.
Jose said something in Spanish. It was harsh. He was almost growling his words. Paolo walked away, with this pissed off look across his face. I could feel the intensity as Jose took a step towards me.
"I been looking for you," he said licking his lips, "Your pussy ass man is gone now boy, what you going to do? I need to finish what I started...that ass was so good."
He was talking like this in front of all the rest of them. The fucked up thing was that no one was calling him a fag or anything like that. They were just watching him...some of them looked a little jealous actually.
My heart was thumping as he reached his hand over to me. He pulled at me and immediately panic set in. I remembered what he almost achieved last time I was with him.
I pushed him hard and even though he didn't fall back far enough I pushed my entire suitcase in front of him and made a mad dash to the door.
And I ran.
I could feel them following me.
I just kept running and my feet were moving faster and faster! I wouldn't give myself the opportunity to turn back and see how close they were.
I had never fallen asleep in the middle of the street before, but I had done it that day. I woke up in the middle of the afternoon to blaring heat and the sound of gang bangers in the distance.
My breath smelled like shit and my underarms were dripping from the heat.
I was breathless.
I had no clothing. All my things were gone. It was expensive clothing. It was shit I had got while modeling. I was living the life of a fugitive, but it wasn't until now that I realized I would start actually looking like one too.
I checked my pockets. I had a fucking 5 dollar bill in my hand. The rest of the money was packed away in my suitcase. That was gone with Jose now and there was no way in hell I was going back there...
It's not like I could go back anyway. I was lost.
I was lost in the hood with no money, no clothing, no idea where I was.
I dug in my pocket.
All I had was the cellphone that Little Daddy had given me. It hadn't rung yet. It was just incoming. Truth was I was kind of hoping that he would help me. He seemed like a rich guy...maybe he'd let me borrow some money or work for him. I could do something...anything...
Suddenly I saw a hand. Almost like a nightmare a guy came up and snatched the 5 dollar bill out of my hand.
"What the fuck!"
I got up to pursue him. He started to run but all of a sudden he turned towards me. God...I didn't have the energy to even fight anymore.
He had a knife. It was just a pocket knife. I could have knocked it out my hand.
That was when he asked me the only question that would have caused me not to, "Is it worth it, motherfucker?"
He was right.
He started backing up and then turned around and fast walked away, almost too confident that I was too much of a pussy to follow him. Truth was I was too much of a pussy. I had too many `what if' and `maybe' wonders floating in my head to pursue him for the 5 dollars.
I fell in the middle of the street, staring down into the puddle, wondering if it was deep enough to put my head in and drown myself. Instead I saw my reflection.
"Worthless," the devil told me in the reflection, "Look at you. You're face is dirty. You stink. You don't even have to hide. No one would know this was the Tatum St. Clair from a while back anyway. Just turn yourself in. I'm sure you can clean that face up real good behind bars. Those guys would have a field day fucking that face of yours."
I got up and stepped into the puddle.
Why me? Why I have this luck.
Three days I spent on the streets. The second and third day I found my way to a local park which wasn't any better. I had struggled over the benches with crackheads, prostitutes and drug dealers. It wasn't until the end of the 2nd that things started to get bad. I had walked from McDonalds to McDonalds begging for a cup of water. They started to recognize my face. I couldn't survive off water.
I knew soon I would have to start begging.
I still didn't know the first place I was. All I knew is that it was a bad neighborhood. It was the roughest neighborhood.
I kept asking for the diner, but I couldn't remember what the name of it was. If I could only find my way back to it then I'd be ok. Maybe Jose had left some of my stuff there. I doubted they knew what a real label was. I could pawn some of those clothes. They would go for a good price.
I was so hungry.
I was starving actually. I had finally gotten into the McDonalds for the last time.
"Can I have a glass of water? Please?"
The teenager looked at me up and down, "Man stop coming here. This isn't Save-a-Crackhead. Get the fuck out of here."
I don't do drugs. I'm just going through
"Man what the fuck you stink, get away from here! What the fuck part of that don't you understand."
I could feel the tears swelling up in me. God, why did people have to act like that. My mouth was parched. All I needed was a drink. It was all I needed.
"I'm begging you."
I would have cried if I was well nourished enough but there wasn't enough liquid in my body for it. I could hardly stand up. My body was so weak that if I cried I felt like I would surely faint.
"Is there a problem here?" a voice said.
I turned around. A cop was on the line. I hadn't even seen him. All of a sudden my head hit the ground. Fuck! What if I got caught? I'd be in jail. What if he recognized me?
"Crackheads keep coming in the store scaring off the customers."
The cop gave me a dirty look, "Look at you...disgusting. Get the hell on out of here before I take your ass in."
I turned around and started to walk away as fast as I could. My heart was racing. Fuck. I had to learn to live in the streets if I was going to stay there.
All of a sudden the phone rang just as I walked out of McDonalds.
<Hello. Is this Little Daddy?>
I was excited. Hell, I needed to be. My clothes smelled like they were growing mold on them. I'd never felt so dirty, so disgusting in all my life.
<Yeah it is.>
<Little Daddy...I need help. I...I'm lost. I don't know where I am. I need help. I have no money, no food, nothing to drink. >
<It'll cost you.>
I didn't even know what I was saying. Truth is my stomach and my body was speaking for me. My body had put my pride all the way to the back. I was saying whatever I could to survive this. I didn't know how the bums did it, but I wasn't one...well I never was until now. I had no idea how to live as one.
<What you want me to do? Find those stripper friends of yours? I can call the guys who threw the party and find out if they still have a contact...>
<No! No...please...something else. Anything else. I don't have anyone here. I don't have anyone at all.>
Beggars can't be choosers but I would have preferred anything else. I couldn't risk Caprio anymore. The guilt was eating up at me more then my intestinal juices were eating away at my stomach. I couldn't allow him to destroy his life for me anymore.
"Fine I'll come save you. Just find an address. And remember that you said ...anything."