Date: Wed, 7 Jul 2004 20:09:25 EDT
From: Born2bwoman@aol.com
Subject: Toby I Miss You

Usual disclaimers apply.

			      Toby I Miss You

I was raised in Michigan and early in life was curious about dick.
Since I was 18 and sucked my first dick, I've always loved taking cock in
my mouth. I'm now 38 yrs old. I mostly stuck to giving head my adult
life. I've only kissed two men, one of which was by far the most
beautiful kiss I've ever had.

My entire sex life has been a cover up of my real feelings. I tried to be
with women but when I was, the only way I could get a hard on was to
think about cock. From 18 years old to my now 39, I've suppressed my real
self and finally a year or so ago, I've accepted and embraced my
homosexual reality.

You see, the first dick in my mouth was stupendous. In a peep show, 2
guys came into my booth and one knelt down and went to town on my cock.
As a inexperienced 18-year-old, I basically just stood there enjoying my
first head from a guy. The other guy unzipped and pulled an awesome hunk
of meat out. My young curiosity about cock was at last going to be
explored. I reached down and felt the first dick of another man and it
was a dick to be proud of. I stroked it a couple of times and bent down
to take it in my mouth. He stopped me before my face got to his tool, and
he stepped up on the bench. His mouthwatering dick was now at face level
with me. I wasted no time, and put my lips around it. The first time I
ever tasted a hard cock, and it was a perfect one at that. Immediately,
my question about whether or not I wanted to suck dick was erased. I
instantly knew I loved having cock in my mouth. I sucked him with
enthusiasm as I gave my very first blowjob.

At 18, I began my love of sucking dick, and while in the closet, have
been lucky enough to give head to about different 200 guys. As I cruised
for as much dick as a fag teen could find, I quickly became addicted to
bigger dick. I have been blessed to suck very many huge cocks, and a lot
of them were black dick. Along with my desire for bigger cock, my need
for black dick grew too. My video store and gay bar cruising focused only
on black cock. I have had fantastic success at getting my face in the
crotch of about 50 hung black guys.

A couple of years ago, I was blowing a well hung black guy every Friday
and Saturday night. He had a lovely 10" dick that I managed to eventually
deepthroat due to the curve of his shaft that fit well down my throat. He
wanted and asked often to fuck me and kiss me. I never let him fuck me,
and over time, I began to feel guilty about me getting to suck him all
the time but I gave nothing back. Finally, I surprised him by walking up
to him and I wrapped my arms around him. We went right into a kiss that
was the most natural and sensual kiss I've ever had. Even with my initial
reluctance, the passion in that kiss he and I shared was far better than
any time I'd kissed a woman. Thinking back, I could feel the true love
and desire as he and I became one with our kiss. That kiss was how a kiss
was truly meant to be, it just happened to be between two men.
Eventually, I moved on in my search for more black dicks to suck.

Now at my mid life point, I've come to understand that I am gay. Each day
I grow more and more attracted to men, and I don't see women in a
romantic way. I have become a full blown faggot that now looks at guys
and want to be with them. I am aroused by men and desire sharing intimacy
with them. Most if not all guys I see now, make me think about how it
would be to kiss on their necks and ears. How nice it would be to caress
their chest and butt. I always check all men out and make a strong effort
to study their sensuality and of course, their cute butts. In the last
six months, I've accepted that I adore men and belong in a mans bed every
night for the rest of my life. I now love and lust men. I have completely
encouraged my queer needs and am now seeing the handsome sexiness of the
fine male body. I now know what being a real faggot is. Before my
awakening, I only sought dick. Now I am horny for guys, and dick is
secondary. It's so wonderful to embrace my homosexuality and being my
honest nature, my admiration for men is truly sincere and therefore much
more exciting. Since not denying my physical desire for men, I'm
comfortable like never before. I am 100 percent gay and it fits right. I
belong in the arms of my man. Guys are so sexy. I love checking men out
now and see all of them as potential lovers. Seeing hot guys is nice, but
average guys I check out too. All men I see are whom I belong with. The
conflict is gone and I welcome my gay future. I was born to be in love
with men. Men are gorgeous and being gay is quite nice.

My urge to suck cock while oblivious to getting sucked off myself, lends
to my feminine side. It is more like my entire being. I'm totally
submissive, and my rightful place is serving my man as a wife would. I'm
now a bottom and all I need is my man to make love to me. Nurturing my
sissy side is what gives me comfort. I like resting my head on his
shoulder and rubbing his body while we drive. I am male on the outside,
but very much a lady for my man. My duty is to make my man feel good as a
devoted woman should. To massage my man every night with tender passion
and let him know I want and belong only to him. To kiss him after lovely
lovemaking each night as I go to sleep in his arms. To wake every morning
at his side and start my day with a thoughtful kiss from my love. To do
everything I can to comfort him and hope soon I'll get to wear that
special white dress and walk down that aisle to make him my husband for
life.

I like being seen in public beside my man so people can see my feminine
self and my love for him. My man is my protector, he is my love, he is my
world, he is my life. I like holding his hand while walking in public to
demonstrate my elation of being gay. When we kiss for the entire hetero
world to see, I love showing my hunger for him. I want the whole world to
see that being gay is natural and very satisfying. Displaying my
affection for him in public is so tremendous. Romance in public is
precious. I want both women and men to witness my serenity with being
homosexual. I've suppressed my need to love men far too long.

At a young age I got interested in dicks. I seen my black friends cock
when I was 10 and since then I've tried to see as many as I can. I looked
at all the boys dicks in school locker rooms, crotches of guys, and
looked for cock as much as I could. I was a curious kid looking at a
grown ups crotch and seeing bulges packed with meat fueled my curiosity.
I always stood at urinals in public bathrooms to see every dick beside
me. I've been interested in cock all along and admitting my gay persona
is liberating.

When I was 13 years old, there was a gay guy who lived right across the
street from my best friend in a trailer park. His name was Toby and he
was about 30 at the time. The only time I met him, he was only wearing
jeans and had a hairy chest and muscles to die for. He was a major hunk.
My friends and I were at his house to smoke some weed. Everyone knew he
was gay because he didn't try to hide it. He didn't know me at all. I was
smoking a cigarette and I blew some smoke rings. He said "man, those are
just about the size of my dick". Everyone was silent and I was surprised.
That moment passed and we smoked some joints and all of us left. Later
on, before heading home by myself, I hid and paced around the trailer
park. I tried to figure out a way to go to his trailer and not be seen by
my friend. I was basically a stranger to this stud and I was a young
teenager. My naivete and ignorance overcame my urge to go to his trailer
and I went on home. I was stunned that this fag I met only moments prior
had made such a bold statement. Even though I was young, I was smart
enough to know his comment was suggestive. I so badly wanted to sneak
into his trailer and take him up on his sexual pass at me. A young boy
extremely curious about dick and here I had an openly gay man make a pass
at me. To top it off, he was gorgeous and built. I thought hard and long
how I could get together with him by myself. My intense craving to take
advantage of my first opportunity of experiencing homosexuality with this
awesome hunk was squelched. I was too afraid of being seen going into his
trailer, and feared that with his "open" attitude, he would tell the
neighborhood of my being with him. I was too stupid to realize he
couldn't tell anyone because I was a minor.

To this day I am sorrowed about my ignorance. I often think about what
would have been. If I had accomplished getting into Toby's trailer, I
would have gotten my first taste of cock at 13 years old. My love of dick
would have kept me going back to his trailer every chance I could to get
my lips on his dick. Any gay guy would welcome a cute blonde twink into
his bed. He had blatantly given me a chance and why wouldn't he let me
take it? I would have become a regular at his trailer to suck cock as
often as possible. With my innocence, he would have talked me into
kissing him. He would have convinced me to take his load in my mouth. He
would have fingered my hole until he coaxed me into taking his cock in my
ass. He would have opened me up to the real world of homosexuality. The
joy of all sensuality that can only be expressed between men would have
come in my life as a young teen. I'm absolutely certain that I would have
loved kissing him, feeling his dick in my hole, and swallowing loads of
his sperm. My life would have been set for me as being the faggot I've
suppressed so many years. I would have known early that I was meant to be
with men and share their warm sensuality. I wish I were clever enough to
get into Toby's home back then and have my first boyfriend. If I had been
exposed to him and his sexy body and undoubtedly delicious dick, I would
now have many happy years under my belt. I wish I could see him today and
make passionate man to man love with him. I hope he reads this and
remembers me.

I hope he remembers my smoke rings and writes me. I miss you Toby.