Date: Sat, 28 Sep 2002 10:26:10 -0400
From: Tom Cup <tom_cup@hotmail.com>
Subject: Tommy Series (Returning Home) Chapter 6 Gay A/Y, Y/F, Camping

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This is a fictional story involving alternative sexual relationships. If
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Tommy - Part 3
By Tom Cup
Returning Home
Chapter 6
Defining Family

Mom slowly became interested in what it was like for me to be gay. She
didn't come right out and ask but we had little conversations now and again.
The hardest question came after my seventeenth birthday. Brian and I were
still seeing each other -- on the weekends I would make the hour and a half
drive to the cabin and find him waiting for me, or James would drive him up
to spend the weekend with me at my house. Brian moved in with James just
before Christmas. Lucy made a comment about him being a little fag boy.
Brian snapped. I'm still not sure exactly what he said; but James said that
Brian told Lucy, something to the effect, that he wasn't attracted to the
type of men she brought home even though they would probably enjoy his ass
more than hers. James visited me when he was in the area. It was after one
of James' visits that Mom got the nerve to ask me about Mr. Steel.

"Mom, come on. We've been through this. He was my friend."

"We've avoided it Tommy. I really need to know. Were you intimate?"

"Mom, I really don't want to talk about this."

"Tommy, I have to know."

"Why? Why are you so obsessed about what happened between Mr. Steel and me.
Just let it go, OK? I loved him and he made me happy. Isn't that enough?"

"This is all my fault, it's all my fault," Mom cried, "I pushed you into
this."

I stared at her with my mouth opened in disbelief. For five years I had
thought Mom understood that I was gay. It was like a slap in the face and a
punch in the belly to realize that she thought that I was somehow made gay
and that it was her fault.

"Mom it's not your fault." I finally said.

"Oh Tommy, I thought he would be so good for, with your father gone all the
time, to have another man in your life. I had no idea that he was molesting
you."

"He wasn't molesting me! Mom, listen to me; listen to me, please. I'm gay.
Mr. Steel didn't make me gay, OK? I fooled around with other boys before
anything ever happened with Ron and me. I'll admit that we were lovers." Mom
began to cry hysterically. I sat beside her and hugged her. "Mom, I know I
was young. But I loved him and I started it. Mom, I started it."

Mom looked at me, horrified. I could see she was still in denial. I nodded
to affirm what I had said. I don't know if we ever grow up in the eyes of
our parents. To Mom I was an innocent pre-adolescent child. I was her baby
and if something had gone wrong in my life it couldn't possibly be my own
fault. But I didn't see things as having gone wrong in my life. I saw my
life unfolding as it should. Each day, I was becoming more and more of who I
was born to be. I wasn't ashamed of anything I had done in the past and I
certainly wasn't ashamed of being gay.

"I should have realized what was going on and put a stop to it. That man
took away your childhood, he violated...."

"No Mom. I had such a crush on him for so long. He never forced me to do
anything. The first time we were together, he tried to push me away. I
wouldn't let him."

"Well, he should have tried harder."

"Mom, even if he had, I would still be gay. If it hadn't been Keith and Mr.
Steel it would have been someone else."

"Keith? You mean you and Keith were..."

It is amazing how we assume those around us know what seems obvious about
our lives. Mom had guessed that Mr. Steel and I were lovers immediately
after his death but had never put together that Keith and I were also
lovers. So was her need to believe that Mr. Steel was at fault for my
homosexuality that she could not fathom that I was engaged in sexual
activity, at the same time, with Keith.

"Yes, Mom, Keith and I were lovers too. And like I said. I'd fooled around
before that. I knew I liked boys. I knew I liked Mr. Steel. I'm gay. I can't
help it Mom and there was nothing you or Dad could have done about it. It's
just who I am."

Mom nodded but she cried. I guess it was all the years of blaming herself
being released. In the end, we talked a lot about my feelings for Ron. I
think Mom finally came to understand why I took the paddling instead of
going to see Dr. Richards.  It took her five years to understand how much I
really loved Ron and she was my mother. I neither wanted Dr. Richards to
know about my love for Ron or to understand it. But Mom was different. With
Dad gone, she was the only one I had left. I wanted her to understand. If it
meant taking another beating to stop Ron's memory from becoming something
ugly, I told her, I would gladly do it. She finally smiled and wiped the
tears from her eyes. I then felt comfortable enough to share with her how
Ron felt about me. I loaned her his diary.

************

Mom liked Brian. Since he was growing like milkweed -- he had grown four
inches since school began -- each time he visited the house half a day would
be spent with Mom taking him out shopping. James provided what he could for
Brian but his tastes tended to hide Brian's lean, lithe, body.  I definitely
liked the things Mom dressed him in better and so did Brian.

It seemed to me that after coming to terms with my relationship with Mr.
Steel, Mom really did treat Brian and James more like part of the family.
They even commented on how welcomed they felt. I noticed the turning point
when Mom met Brian at the curb and insisted that James, at least stay, for
dinner before heading home.

"You aren't a taxi service you know." Mom laughed

James had a standing invitation after that day. Sometimes he took us up on
it when he dropped Brian off, sometimes he didn't, which I suspected meant
he had a hot date elsewhere. I never asked Brian if he and James were
partnering during the week. I wouldn't have blamed either if they were. I
was simply happy to see Brian when I could, and happy that Mom accepted him
as my boyfriend.

Brian and I were already committed to spending the summer together running
the campground. Now that Mom was more accepting of my "family," I thought it
was time to invite Shelly to come and meet Mom and Brian. Shelly and Mom
were both very hesitant about meeting. Brian had heard so much about Shelly
that he was eager to meet her.  Although Shelly and I kept in contact,
mostly by letters and I was sending her some of my stories also, we hadn't
met face to face since she gave me the motorcycle and the diary.

We met at the Chesapeake Bay Seafood House. It was crowded and noisy and you
had to eat with your hands. It was the perfect place to take two women that
were anxious about each other. The first thing they found they had in common
was that the place was too loud -- they had to sit together to make out what
they said to one another. The second thing they discovered was that
everything was served family style, no individual plate servings. Brian and
I had only one thing in mind: crab, and lots of it. Watching Shelly and Mom
using a crab mallet to this day is one of my favorite memories.

But the ploy worked, by the end of the meal, Mom had forgotten that Shelly
was Mr. Steel's aunt and Shelly had forgotten that Mom was the mother of the
boy that had been her nephew's lover. At least, if they hadn't forgotten
they had learned to live with it, for my sake and for the sake of Ron's
memory.

Brian was the only one that came away from the evening with a soar taste in
his mouth. Shelly mentioned that I should be getting ready for my college
exams, the SAT and ACT. I told her that I was already preparing for the ACT
and would be taking the test in the next semester. I also told her that I
would be taking a preparatory course one evening a week during the summer.
The community college near the campground offered the course. I was all a
glow about the wonderful time we all were having; I never noticed how upset
that Brian had become until we were home and alone in my room.

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to college?"

"What? I... I don't know ... I assumed you knew."

"How would I know? You never told me. And you are going to be taking some
class during the summer? I guess that means I won't be seeing a whole lot of
you. I thought summer was our time together."

"It is our time together, Bri. The class is only an hour, every Tuesday for
six weeks. I'll have to do some studying but it won't take that much time.
Come on, why are you freaking on me about this?"

I tried to hug him but he pulled away. "You're going to leave me. I thought
that after you graduated that you'd get a job and I could move in with you.
I thought that you loved me."

"Whoa, Brian. I do love you. I do. But I want to go to college. I mean, you
get a better job if you have a college degree. You know that."

"All I know is you'll be going off and... and..."

He was in tears. I didn't know what to say. We had maintained a long
distance relationship for over six months. I assumed that Brian and I would
have no problem maintaining such a relationship when I went to college. I
imagined, of course, that once I finished college, and Brian started, that I
would find a job near where Brian attended college or maybe he would attend
college where I found a job. I had no reason to believe that going to
college meant ending our relationship.

"You are so stupid sometimes," Brian said to my arguments, "That's how it
always happens. The boyfriend goes off to college, meets someone else, and
the poor lover back home gets the sorry sap letter. You know it's true!"

"No I don't know it's true," I countered, "You were sure that it was going
to end when I moved back here and it didn't. Before that when we fought
about James and before that when I told you that I loved you. You were sure
all of those times and we're still together!"

"I'm just saying," Brian sighed, "that this is different. You'll be there
with a lot of other guys, guys your own age, chances are..."

"...that I won't give a damn," I interrupted, "And if you don't mind, stop
trying to make me get rid of you."

"I'm not trying to do that!"

"The hell you aren't. Every time something surprises you, you pretend I'm
trying to find away out of this relationship. I'm not, Bri! Because I had to
come home at the end of the summer didn't mean that I wanted to get away
from you or that I wanted to break-up with you."

"I know that."

"You know it now. But then you were convinced that you would never see me
again, even though I told you that I would visit every weekend I could; and
even though James told you that he would drive you to see me if I couldn't
come to see you.  Look, I love you. I really do. I'm going to college but
that won't change how I feel about you. OK?"

"OK."

"God you drive me crazy sometimes."

"Yeah," Brian said coming into my arms, "But you like being driven crazy."

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