Without the memories and emotions invoked by "Chris and Nigel" I would not have been able to put this story on paper.
I.O.M.F.A.T.S. Thank you with all my heart.
This story is 95% truth, the balance is poetic license, now at the age of 57yrs I can see what it was all about although, at the time it was just us being us.
No names or places have been changed as it would, I feel be unfair to the one who I owe the most too and he deserves better than that.
The story is set in the early fifties so there was no television, videos or computers as will become evident as the story progresses.
I have made observations during this story for the sake of clarity and continuity although it is only know many years later that they became obvious.
I was born near the end of the second world war in a small rural country town in New Zealand, My parents were not wealthy but just ordinary hard working people.
I have a younger brother and two sisters, one older and one younger than I.
When I began my primary schooling at the age of five we had just moved into a new state housing area and we were given the first house to be completed, it may have had something to do with my father working on them, (He was a Carpenter).
The next family to move in was across the street from us and had two daughters and a son, he being the same age as myself and the only other boy around the area at that time, it was inevitable that we became friends.
We are both of mixed blood although I was very fair with blonde curly hair and blue eyes while Murray was a little darker and with dark brown hair and eyes.
While I was rather plump at that age he was slender so it was a little like chalk and cheese but to the two of us it was not important, we knew that somehow we were meant to fit together.
There was at that time only one primary school in the district so on the first day both of us set off escorted by my big and worldly wise seven year old sister.
Sis and I walked across the road and met Murray at his front gate, without hesitation we took each others hand and set off for our first day of school following behind big sister.
This was to become our normal way of being with each other for the rest of our time together with only a slight variation as we grew older.
Now in 1949 there was a population of about 6000 people in Levin so there were a lot of kids about and the first day of school was pretty scary for two five year olds, so we both did what seemed natural and stayed together, where one went the other went.
This started to cause a little problem for the teachers as they wanted to put us in different classes and as they took Murray out from the class I just got up and went with him and even after a lot of talking and consternation from the teachers we would just not go without the other.
He went, I went, I went , he went, the frustration of the teachers became to much so they just left us together in the end and that suited us fine.
It was not long before every one began to call us the twins and that is how we were referred to from then on.
In 1950 the new school at the eastern end of Levin was completed and as we were on the boundry line we were transferred to that school as the first pupils.
Until the age of seven or eight Murray and I continued to hold hands going to and from school and were most times in some form of physical contact when ever we could be together, there was nothing overt in our minds it was just the way we felt it should be.
One day without a word spoken or any discussion I walked across the road to meet Murray as usual for school and we just placed our arms over each others shoulder and started out for school side by side.
This means of walking together stayed with us till the end and again was just something we did naturally and was our bond.
We both got into the usual fights and scraps at school, me being the mouthy one and Murray the strong silent one but that was us, when I got into a fight it was only seconds before I could feel his back against mine and then we would take it from there, if one went down the other stood over him for protection.
It did not take long for the others at school to realise it was a pretty formidable combination so we were left alone after the first three or four go rounds.
These were the days of the Saturday Matinees and so to earn the money for the movies we would cut the lawns for our parents and would be paid one shilling each (10c) for our efforts.
There were no motor mowers then only hand push mowers and as you can imagine a little large and heavy for us, so we would tie a rope onto the front of the mower and with one pushing and steering the other would place the rope over his shoulder and pull, hey a shilling is a shilling.
Murray and I spent every spare moment together, always in some form of physical contact, we would sit on the lawn cross legged, hands in our laps, knees touching and just look at each other for hours on end.
I was one day asked by my mother why we sat for hours not talking and all I could say was, "But mum we are"
"No you are not I can't hear a word"
"Well we are" was my reply.
That was how we were, no need for words we just knew what each others hopes and dreams were, I think about it now and I can still not explain it.
At the age of eleven we both decided to get an after school job for a little pocket money and it was agreed we would both get a paper round as it paid two shillings and sixpence (25c) per week.
None of this was discussed by us we just went and did it like we did everything, each of us a half of the whole.
Murrays paper round was a little shorter than mine but he had an extra twenty papers to deliver so when we were wrapping then for delivery as was the fashion then, I would slow down when I had only twenty or so to go and let him wrap two to my one so that we would finish at the same time and be able to go out together.
I did not do this consciously it was just the way it was done at the time, we had to finish and start together it was the right thing to do.
On summer weekends we would ride our bikes the eight miles to the beach or when it was right we would turn the other way and cycle the six miles to the river and our own swimming hole away from the usual crowd that gathered there.
We would swim together naked in the river always in contact either by a foot or a hand or touching shoulders and then lay in the sun to dry side by side bodies touching or on occasions, head to head facing the opposite way.
We did not sleep we would close our eyes and and talk to each other without words and just be.
At thirteen I changed my job to a fish and chip shop not far from school so Murray got a job with in the grocery shop two doors down, again no discussion just did what seemed natural to us.
The shop in the middle was a butchers shop and the apprentice was a big lad and about eighteen years old, I was to find out the hard way that he took what he wanted and no arguments.
The second Monday after I had started work I was in the preparation area out the back of the fish shop, the owners were away buying stock at the fish market in Wellington on Mondays and left the shop to me until they returned later in the afternoon.
I was startled by a cough and turning saw the apprentice from next door standing there looking at me, it made me a little uncomfortable but I said "Hi" and returned to the work in hand.
"Hi you lost a lot of weight from before, how you do it?"
"Had to for rugby, so I could get into the district side", Murray had made it so it was normal for me to make it but I had a bit of belly to loose, and until this day have never put it back on.
He was wearing a short sleeved shirt and very short shorts with the legs turned up a bit more and he was showing a lot of what I had never seen before, well not that big anyhow.
Murray and I had never at that stage had sex together nor even brought up the subject, it did not seem important to us even though we had both had the signs of puberty for some time.
"You like looking at my dick do you?"
Blush from me
"Come on you can touch it, it's ok"
He walked over to me grabbed my hand and placed it on top of his rather large erection, by this time I was shaking, sweating and trying to escape from his grip.
"No you don't, you touched it now you have to have it"
With no warning he spun me around against the work bench, wrenched down my pants and proceeded to rape me keeping one hand over my mouth all the time to stop me from yelling out for help.
I do not know to this day where he came from but as the pain was getting unbearable and the thrusts deeper and harder there was Murray trying to fight him off me until the guy pulled out of me viciously and punched him to the floor then took off out of the shop.
The apprentice was not at work after that and i never saw him again.
Murray staggered to his feet eye puffing up while i was trying to stop the pain and pull up my pants at the same time as tears were streaming down my face.
We hugged each other for what seemed hours, not speaking just crying for each other.
After a while I could feel as much as hear Murray's soft cooing in my ear as he had his head on my shoulder and his hands were on my back softly rubbing the pain away.
Nothing overt in the act just the other half of me saying sorry and trying to calm me down.
When all seemed calm again he stood back and looked into my eyes and without words said it would never happen again while he was around.
We parted and he went back to his job and not long after my bosses returned from Wellington, I could say nothing even though the pain was terrible but I decided to carry on till work was done and then head for home.
Seven o'clock came and I was ready to leave so went out to get my bike from the rear of the shop and there was Murray patiently waiting for me to finish so we got on our bikes and as usual with an arm over each others shoulder made our way home.
You may think this is nothing unusual for us but as Murray finished his job at five o'clock he had waited out there without a word for two hours to see i was going to get home ok.
It was some months later just before we both turned fourteen that we were down at our hideaway on the river that we first had a sexual relationship.
We had had our swim as usual and were laying on the grass beside the river in the sun, birds were calling in the bush above us and the day was warm and dreamy.
We were as usual naked and laying shoulder to shoulder, arm to arm, hip to hip and leg to leg, when Murray stirred and turned onto his side facing me.
I lifted my head and did the same turning toward him and as if by mutual agreement we both started to get an erection at the same time, we did not have to speak I just nodded to him and turned over onto my stomach for him.
Murray rolled over on top of me, not hot and heavy but just like having a soft cotton sheet nestle down over you only with the feeling of velvet to it.
He put his head down onto my neck and just rested there as he ever so slowly eased into me with so much feeling for both of us that I don't even remember any pain or discomfort, it was just Murray being a part of the whole and even when fully inside of me it felt right for him to be there as a part of us both.
There was no urgency in his strokes just slow and full length as though I think he could feel them himself from the inside, it lasted for what seemed ever and was total pleasure because it was me doing it and at the same time it was him doing it.
I felt a tighter grip on my shoulders and as he was cumming I could feel my own being jettisoned out onto the ground under me, and that was how we stayed for quite a while laying in the sun with him still firmly inside of me and feeling the fresh grass crushed beneath me.
Afterwards there was no change to us, why should there be, we had only become a closer part of the whole.
We did not have a lot of sexual contact as we did not need it, it was just another part of us and when it was going to happen it just did.
It is only now after writing this first encounter down that I have realised that we had never and did not ever have a kiss it was just not thought to be needed I guesse.
Over the next few months until the new year of starting college we only had sex about five times and it was always the same, he would look at me and I would be ready for him and he would as I understand today make a true and deeply feeling gesture of love to me.
We never talked of love as at fourteen we did not know what it all meant and we had no way of finding out in the repressed Victorian attitudes of New Zealand in the fifties.
To us it was what it should be, joining together to make us whole.
We both started college together (was there ever any doubt) and we were both doing reasonably well, we are not geniuses but we are not dense either so we do ok in most subjects.
It was about two months after starting college and we had just got back from the river which was probably about our fifth time of being intimate, and getting to our respective gateways we parted with our usual look at each other.
It was a Saturday evening and as i put the bike into the shed my father called from the doorway for me to come in and see him.
I went into the lounge room and he was sitting in his usual chair but his head was a little lower than usual, he looked up at me as I came in and all he said was, "You will not see Murray again"
All I could think of was "please god let me die now"
I found my voice, and even though you never argued with your parents or questioned them I had to ask "Why not?"
"You know and that's the end of it"
"His father is sending him away from here tomorrow to live with relatives and that's an end to it"
I could not work out what we had done wrong or why we should be split up, every body knew we were the twins we live and breath together.
I made a bee line for the door to head over the road, there was a loud shout from behind "NO" and as I had never heard my father ever yell at any of us it brought me to a very sudden halt in mid stride.
I was sent to my room straight away and as it would have to be, it faced across the road to his room and I could see his face in the window looking at me, and, as the tears welled up in my eyes I knew they were his tears too.
I was told from the lounge room to "stop that crying or i will give you something to cry about" so I stood there looking over at him, staying silent but the tears continued to roll in silence down my cheeks.
That was were we both stayed all night not sleeping just looking at each other across the road and to this day I can taste his tears in my mouth.
I was still standing there when the car came to pick him up the next morning early and watch him being bundled out the door with one small brown suitcase in his hand, eyes red and puffy but never leaving mine as I watched.
The promise in them was unchanging and i knew that we would be together again soon.
I could not eat all day and even after a bit of a threat at the table would not lift a fork to my mouth, they had ripped a part of me out and if they could do that then why should i care what they thought or wanted.
Monday at college was the first time a received six cuts of the cane from the headmaster for unruly behavior.
Tuesday was the second time I received six cuts of the cane for challenging a teacher.
Wednesday I was suspended from college for a week for refusing to obey a teacher, hell why should I they don't have all of me there anyway.
On the following Wednesday, the first day back from suspension I was again suspended for two weeks for grabbing the cane out of the headmasters hand and breaking it over my knee.
As you can gather the half of me that was at college had decided to become a rebel and to hell with the rules.
Two weeks later I was back at college for seven minutes of the first period before i had had enough of them altogether so I grabbed a Jack Plane from the bench (it was wood working period) and proceeded to pound the bench with the blade.
In the headmasters office it was decided that I was a bad influence to the other students and was there fore expelled at the ripe old age of fourteen and a half.
The school leaving age in New Zealand at that time was fifteen but as there were no other colleges near us it was decided that I could go to work instead and yes I was still crying myself to sleep at night, although in silence unless the sobs were going to come out as they some times did then I would bury my head under the pillow till I slept.
No Not The End
Six months after leaving college my father had got a better job in Wellington so the whole, or should I say the five and a half members of the family moved to the Hutt Valley to live so he could be closer to work.
On turning eighteen I had decided to join the Army and was based in Trentham for my basic training before going onto the corps that would be my permanent place.
After the first six weeks training I was entitled to go on leave for the weekend and so had decided to catch the five o'clock train to the Hutt.
I waited for the train to pull into the station and was overtaken by a shudder so deep in my soul that my eyes began to water and my knees started to buckle.
I did not know why this should happen as there was nobody else on the platform and the train had not yet stopped.
When it at last did pull to a halt I stepped into the door in front of me and as I did so I heard a plaintive cry "Arthur"
I looked but knew with out seeing that it was my other half running down the platform toward me, and as i made to move to him the pneumatic doors began to close quickly in my face.
I jammed my fingers in the doors trying to pull them apart and could feel his touching mine as he tried to help, the tears of joy and realisation coursing down both our faces.
We tried, oh god we tried so hard to part those damn doors, and then the train was moving again.
He ran beside the train for the full length of the platform looking into my eyes, his hand on the window touching mine through the glass and the tears kept falling.
At the end of the platform he did not try to stop he just let himself fall onto the gravel and stones at the end and I felt them cutting into my hands and knees as he lay there looking into my soul, his soul.
It took the train twenty minutes to reach my stop and the tears fell all the way and afterwards as i made my way to my parents home.
I did not care that I was eighteen and in uniform all grown up serving my country 'For What?"
I knocked on the door and as I stood there still with my tears for all the world to see, my mother opened the door and stood staring at me and all I could say was "Murray"
Mother looked so crushed I could have taken her in my arms and held her but only half of me stood there, the other half was laying crying on the gravel at Trentham station.
We have never seen each other again and now fourty three years later I can say with all honesty "yes we were very deeply in love, we just did not know what to call it"
So here it is today where ever you are, if you ever get to read this "Murray i still love you"
Yes this is a true story although it does not cover all of our love and deeds (that would take a number of large tomes to do) it is however I feel what was my only real love although I have had liaisons and relationships since then I am sure today that they were just substitutes for the loss of half of my soul.
If you feel inclined to contact me and it would be appreciated then email me at firstname.lastname@example.org