Date: Mon, 25 May 2009 21:39:22 -0400 From: Jonathan Matthews Subject: The Untellable Truth about Jake (Chapters 31-33) Message / Disclaimer: I would like to begin this by thanking my proofing team for their first project. With a 48 hour turn around from writing to proofing to release, I think that's pretty darn good. I won't reveal their names to respect their privacy but they are very much appreciated just the same. I also want to thank each of you for your comments. I really can't tell you how much they mean to me and they make it incredibly easy to write this story. Please keep them coming! If you are under eighteen, live in an area that deems this material illegal or you find the genre of man-boy love to be offensive, then please do not read the story! Otherwise, enjoy it! Jonafunu@hotmail.com ************************ Chapter Thirty One I watched Colby awaken the next morning with partially squinted eyes; partly because I wanted to check on him and also because I had a lot on my mind. The events of the previous evening had been amazing to say the least, but with those being in the past, my thoughts had returned to Marco. I tried my best to angle my head towards the clock, finding myself caught between my need to appear asleep and my desire to see the time. From the light, or rather the lack thereof, I was fairly confident it was still early. Colby would glance at me occasionally, the look of exhaustion still heavy on his face. We had both stayed up fairly late, but from all other perspectives he seemed fine. As he left the room and I managed to catch a glimpse of the clock, I saw that it was only 6:10. I groaned to myself, turned over and mashed my pillow over my face. I began to drift slightly, the faces of Colby and Marco gently merging within my mind. How could I reconcile the two exactly? Was there a way to do it? Did Marco mean anything at all? Perhaps it was all misconstrued advances and remarkably poorly chosen words. At noon today, I would have a clearer view of what the reality was. I began to feel that a few more hours of sleep would be possible, when a dressed and clean Colby jumped onto the bed next to me, jarring my eyes wide open from the unexpected shock. "If I have to be up you do too!" he exclaimed, wide awake and prepared for the new day. I groaned, turning my back towards him. "Do I really have to?" Colby snickered a little. "Who else is going to walk me to the bus stop?" "Point taken," I grumbled, managing to sit up and stare at Colby. His face was one of typical delight. His eyes seemed just as childish as they had the previous day. Maybe I had blown the whole experience out of proportion? Maybe there was nothing to worry about? He seemed happy enough. "So do you... feel okay?" I asked in intense curiosity. "Oh, me? Yeah I'm great! I'm kinda tired though." Colby giggled. His reply seemed genuine enough. "Are you sure? Would you tell me if you weren't?" Colby rolled his eyes, something I had never actually seen before. "Yes I would." He wrapped his tiny hand within my own, to which I returned the gesture with a squeeze. "Guess it's time to go downstairs huh?" Colby nodded and hopped off the bed, walking out into the hallway ahead of me. I pulled a pair of jeans on and a t-shirt over my head, caring less about the state of my stubble or my hair. As soon as I descended the stairs, I saw Stephanie and Colby in their typical morning squabbles over breakfast. For the first time, in a very long time, I examined them from an outside perspective. I always felt an integral part of the household, even before I made the commitment to live here, and took each word, each conversation and each experience as being part of my own. At this particular moment, I felt like a stranger. I knew that my feeling this way was directly related to my thoughts about Marco. It was a path I could choose, but a path that could possibly shatter the precious relationship I shared with these two, especially Colby. Stephanie looked up to smile at me, "Want some pancakes?" I shook my head. "Not all that hungry really... Just got up to walk him to the bus stop." Stephanie nodded, "Alright, I'll just get you some coffee then." I slid into the bench style dining table across from Colby, watching the pancake with mild curiosity as it disappeared into his mouth with profound speed. "You okay?" Colby asked, swallowing a bite and looking at my vague expression. "Me? Yeah I'm good. I just have a lot on my mind." Stephanie giggled as she approached, placing the full coffee cup in front of me as I took a large sip in gratitude. "Oh yeah, Marco is a whole lot huh?" Colby's eyes seemed to lose their gleam of inspiration and joy as they shot towards the window. I tried to cautiously observe them without ignoring Stephanie entirely. "Well he's far from being everything on my mind." "Why are you thinking about Marco?" Colby asked, his eyes still staring out the window. Stephanie grabbed his plate and returned to the sink to wash it. I was thankful that she appeared not to notice his mood. "Oh, no reason really. We're working together today and I just wanted to thank him for helping me get the new car," I lied. I took another sip of my coffee, this one a little too fast. I felt the back of my throat burn a little. "Oh okay." Colby grinned, his previous expression returning. Was he really capable of feeling jealousy at this age? Well, naturally he was, jealousy was a part of anyone regardless of their age, perhaps even more intensely as a child. I wasn't exactly sure whether Colby parsed my being in his life as just a friend, a boyfriend (in an adult sense) or a playmate. What would he have to fear from Marco? Perhaps competition, perhaps something more. The adult mind would wonder about possibilities of infidelity, but I was fairly certain his wouldn't follow the same path. I'm sure he saw as a potential threat anyone who took attention away that could be focused on him instead. Every time I went to work he would become sad. It was to be expected. Most children developed deep emotional attachments. To what extent Colby was attached to me I couldn't be sure, but I knew it was something I'd be forced to learn over the coming weeks. "About ready to go?" I asked Colby, after he managed to finish his glass of orange juice. "Yep!" he giggled, sliding towards the end of his bench and leaving the kitchen long enough to retrieve his messenger bag. My eyes flew to Stephanie, who was happily drying a few plates. She seemed completely immersed in her work, and the previous topic of conversation hadn't affected her at all. Did she notice Colby's shift in mood? The potential jealousy? Did she care? I knew that she allowed, or rather, tolerated, what was between her son and me. Was it simply that she just tolerated it? Was it her preference that I leave him? She had made it fairly clear that she felt Colby would outgrow me, that staying with him with any hopes for a long term solution was selling myself short. Maybe the central point of that message, it's most profound truth, was that she wanted me to leave him be? Did she mention Marco to provoke an emotional reaction? I couldn't believe that she would. As Colby returned with his messenger back and I stood, nearly inhaling the remnants of my first cup, I ruffled his hair and followed him towards the door. "Bye Mom! I love you!" Colby called after Stephanie, to which she replied much the same. As soon as we were down the sidewalk a bit and I expected a slew of observations, they never came. Colby seemed happy, as he did on most mornings, but not a single question, not a single bit of curiosity about what was going on with Marco. I felt myself appreciative of his child's mind at that point; even if it made me feel all the worse that I felt I was taking advantage of it. As we rose above the hill that existed nearly halfway between our home and the bus stop, the other children came into view and Colby jogged along to join them. This same experience had left me feeling dejected and unappreciated before. The fact of the matter was that Colby was a child. He didn't think of emotional relationships the same way adults did, he didn't ponder infidelity, he didn't distrust without a reason. Surely he felt jealousy when warranted, but only because he wanted attention focused on himself. The only thing he had ever asked of me, his one solitary request, was that I pay attention to him. Would I always be able to? Would he always require it? Was that requirement all that much different than what an adult wanted? As the bus approached and the children collected their things, Colby ran up to me, wrapping his arms tightly around my mid-section. "I love you!" he expressed, his toothy expression shining brightly up at me. "I love you too," I replied, managing a smile as I left the world of my thoughts and returned to reality. Colby ran off, towards the other kids and onto the bus. I stayed long enough to wave at him through the window as the bus disappeared down the street. Turning towards the hill, I began my procession back towards the house. Chapter Thirty Two The remainder of the morning was uneventful. I watched each of Stephanie's moves and expressions for some clear sign of her intention, but nothing came of them. I drank a couple of cups of coffee with her before she had to get ready for her day job. I wouldn't be home until around five, leaving Colby alone for only the shortest of times. It wasn't something that I wanted to do, but it was a necessity since the three of us were all we had. The next day would bring the arrival of Susan, and as much as I had expected a phone call, none had ever come. I felt it would probably be a good idea to call her. As the sound of the rushing water came from the bathroom above, I retrieved the phone and set about dialing her. "Hello?" I heard Susan's voice echo through the distant sound of some obscure rock music. "Hey it's Jake! What's up?" I asked, trying to improve my mood a little. "Oh, hey Jake! Not much. Are you ready for tomorrow?" I nodded, "Yep we're all ready for you. I can't wait to see you again!" I smiled. I truly felt appreciative for her arrival. I couldn't exactly tell her about the experiences I shared with Colby, but surely she could provide some sort of direction concerning Marco. "Sounds great!" she said. "Well I need to get off here, I'm listening to some music with a friend. I'll call you tonight alright?" "Okay sounds cool. Take it easy." With that I turned the phone off, staring at the empty cup within my grip. I rose, walking to the sink to wash it and put it in the dish drainer along with the other artifacts of the morning's activities. As soon as Stephanie left for the day, I went upstairs to shower and change, leaving with enough time to go by my house and locate my uniform for work. It would be strange, returning to the nearly barren apartment after having become accustomed to constant social interaction. I unlocked the front door, walked in, and stared at the collective of boxes lining the walls. Stephanie had apparently completed a bit more while I was gone with Marco yesterday. The carpet was pristine, the molding around the doors and windows completely clean, and I was certain that if a deposit had been paid, it would be returned. The condition of the house upon move in aside, it was definitely an improvement. I climbed the stairs towards my room, looking through the sparse remnants of my closet, and grabbed an old uniform from the very back. I wasn't exactly sure where my newest uniform was, probably already packed, but this would do all the same. I changed into it, checking my mirror just briefly enough to confirm that I looked alright, and went back to my SUV with butterflies flying violently within me. It was strange having the perceived ability to count each revolution of your tires. Everything seemed to run in slow motion, and any experience that occurred that day would be one I wouldn't soon forget. There was so much riding on it. I stared at a few pedestrians making their way down the road, each of them blissfully unaware of anyone else's problems. I felt jealous. Why couldn't my life be so simple? As I turned into the parking lot, glimpsing Marco's little Honda, I knew my moment had come. Today would be the day that my greatest question would be answered. Lots of eighty's pop song titles came to mind, but none that were worth mentioning. I stepped out of the tank, tried to wipe away a few wrinkles in my shirt, and my eyes darted towards the inside. Marco was nowhere to be seen, but that meant little. The fact that no employees were to be seen was comforting. At least we would be alone to talk privately. As the door swung open I watched Marco appear from behind the counter, a genuine smile stretched across his perfect face. "Hey Jake! What's up?" he asked, his face covered in barely achieved stubble and his olive complexion seeming all the more attractive to me at that moment. I blushed a little. "Not much..." My words trailed off as I suddenly became less sure of myself. Why it came as a surprise I didn't know. I climbed behind the counter, affixing a hat to my head, and saw Marco was sitting on the floor. He had a slew of pamphlets from Brown spread across the cheap linoleum. "Did you get in?" I asked suddenly, the experience from before had almost completely slipped my mind. "I did. I start in the spring actually." Marco gleamed with pride. He seemed fairly delighted with himself. I nodded, as we both sat down. Marco showed me a few pictures of the campus, words from famous graduates and an outline of the various courses they offered. "I'm majoring in Political Science," Marco remarked, his fingers seeming to massage the page as he looked at the example class schedule. Politics had always been something that interested me, although I saw myself as doing something very different for a living. "So what would you do?" Marco asked, glancing at me with his green eyes full of interest. I blushed again, rubbing the back of my head for good measure. "Not really sure, probably English..." Marco laughed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I felt my body tense. His touch was remarkably familiar. "I think you'd be great. I've read some of the papers you've written in English before and they're always very well worded." I nodded. It was true, I did love writing. I also loved reading, it was something that had always been a passion of mine. As with any integral part of my being, I hate change, but I had decided that I would seriously consider going to college. I hadn't spent any remarkable amount of time trying to figure out what major I'd pursue, but English somehow appealed to me at that moment. "Why don't you apply for Brown?" Marco asked, his arm still tightly around me. "Yeah me go to Brown? They'd laugh their asses off." I laughed, rather nervously. "If I can get you that car then SURELY I can get you into Brown. Why don't you apply?" I felt myself tensing again. Progress took time, especially with me, but I was appreciative that he was trying to help. "Thanks, I appreciate the offer. Maybe I will." I decided on something positive but nothing definitive. I had to keep my options as open as possible. "Cool," Marco remarked. "So, I've been meaning to ask you something..." I sputtered out. I didn't want to break the good mood but his arm around me was making me incredibly nervous. "Sure, what about?" Marco asked, his green eyes surveying mine with intense curiosity. "Well yesterday at the lot you, umm, well..." My words faded as soon as they had arrived. I felt my cheeks burn a fiery crimson, and my own gaze fell to the floor. "Kissed you?" Marco asked. My eyes shot immediately back to his although the state of my cheeks remained the same. "Yeah," I said simply. "Well, did you like it?" he asked, a look of mischievous glee on his face. "It wasn't bad," I said truthfully, nearly crying for all the emotions that were running through me. I wanted so badly for him to tell me it meant nothing, that he was just that kind of person. I didn't want to have to make a choice, I didn't want to have to think of Marco that way. I knew very well what was coming. I knew that my path in life would be forever altered by this man. Had this moment came five weeks before the decision would have been simple. Now, I wasn't sure what to do. "That's good to hear," he said, closing his eyes and quickly coming towards me. I felt the blood rushing to my face, the red contrasting deeply with his own brown skin. As his lips touched mine, I felt a rush of eroticism, a moment of absolute bliss. His lips were so soft against my own, and I could barely contain the way I felt. As soon as his tongue pushed into my mouth, I felt the emotions burst forward. I mingled my tongue with his, pushing against every reason I shouldn't be doing this. My arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled him towards me. It wasn't until he began to back away that I noticed that I had been crying. A few of my tears standing on Marco's cheeks. "Are you O.K.?" he asked, a genuine look of concern on his face. "I don't know how to answer that," I said simply, my hands rising to wipe them away before he caught my wrists, looking into my eyes. I felt intoxicated, drawn in by his gaze. "Let me." He spoke with a smoky voice, retrieving an errant handkerchief from his pocket and gently dabbing at the tears that sat frozen on my face. I watched, frozen in place, his hands were perfectly formed and the gentle nature with which he performed each action seemed so genuine. What a wreck I was, how imperfect I was. How could he feel anything for me at all? What if he knew the twisted inner workings of my mind? How could he feel anything for me but revulsion? I didn't deserve it. "I know you're scared of a lot of things, but you don't have to be afraid of me. I can be patient." Marco spoke gently, placing the handkerchief back into his pocket and placing his hand on my shoulder. Of course it wasn't completely true what he said. He'd be going to Brown in the spring and if I wasn't able to make a decision by then, he wouldn't wait for me. He had grown up, as all my friends had. It wasn't that I blamed him. That was what we were supposed to do. "Thanks...," I nearly whispered. Looking at his hand as it sat on my shoulder. The front door swung open as a random traveler walked in. I sighed deeply, grateful for the interruption. As we rose to help, I kept my eyes unwaveringly on Marco's form. He was completely back to normal and handled the customer with the same calm demeanor he always exuded. I couldn't understand for the life of me how he changed so quickly. Surely he hadn't been upset, but he saw the state I was in. Marco had dropped the subject, and apart from a few errant touches, the remainder of the shift was a quiet one. We talked about anime, about art. We talked about the music we both enjoyed and shared more than our share of laughs. It was nice and a little bit comforting. By the time five arrived and it was time for me to leave, I felt an intense need to stay. I knew that I had to return home and see Colby. Colby... Chapter Thirty Three The thought of retrieving my computer had crossed my mind, but I felt it best to go straight home. Colby had been waiting for a little while and would doubtlessly be worried if I didn't come straight there. I felt nothing but guilt once more, guilt for having left him, guilt for having kissed Marco and guilt for having thought about anyone other than himself. I knew that I had to pull myself together and I had to do it quickly. I suddenly envied Marco more than I ever had. He had this incredible ability to change his mood at will. I wasn't sure whether that was even normal, but I had never had a particularly strong amount of control over my emotions. I envied it, I wanted it and at this particular moment, it would have been a wonderful gift. As I pulled into the driveway and stared at the windows surrounding the house, my stomach was filled with as many butterflies as it had been that morning. I knew there was no way that Colby would know what happened. I was just hopeful that he wouldn't notice my mood. I entertained the idea of running away, of going off to join the French Foreign Legion or something like it, but I knew that it was of no use. I had to face the situation at hand. What was done had been done and I had to deal with it whether I wanted to or not. I turned off the ignition, stepped out and shut the door behind me. I walked onto the porch with as much trepidation as I ever had, and knocked softly to signify that I had arrived. "Jake!" Colby yelled as he swung the door open as happy to see me as he always had been. "Colby!" I said, trying to feign delight as much as was humanly possible. Seeing him always made me happy, but on this particular occasion my delight was far from present. I had cheated on him, in truth, and I felt horrible about it. Despite the condition of what our relationship was, despite his age, despite the fact that he may very well "grow" out of it, I had cheated, plain and simple. I followed Colby inside, listening to the sound of the television as I flopped down and Colby climbed into my lap. I smiled a little, resting my chin on his head and wrapped my arms around his torso. I had to show him as much love as I could, and I had to protect him from the knowledge of what had happened. "Did you have a good day at school?" He nodded, completely transfixed by the television. I was grateful, it provided a much needed break from the topic at hand. I stared at the phone on the table, curious as to whether Stephanie had called, or Marco for that matter. "Anyone called?" I asked. Colby simply shook his head, signifying a no. I accepted that he wouldn't talk to me. Television was very much like the pocket watch of a hypnotist to him, it drew him in and there was very little that could separate him from it. My fingers mindlessly rubbed his stomach beneath his shirt. No reaction, as expected. I waited for something, anything. I wanted a momentary distraction from my thoughts but it never came. Colby just sitting there, watching television and being completely silent did little to accomplish that. I was partially grateful that he was quiet, at least I wouldn't be attacked with a barrage of questions about my mood, but maybe that was what I needed. Maybe I required the conflict. I toyed with the idea of pushing him off, of making an early night of it, but before I could the phone had rung and Colby quickly apprehended it from the table. "Hi Mom," He spoke, smiling. "Yeah I'll tell him. Bye!" Colby replied after hearing his Mother's reply. "Mom's picking up dinner, she said she'd be here soon," Colby said, smiling at me slightly. I nodded in return as his gaze returned to the television and his hypnosis returned. 'So much for going to bed.' I thought to myself. Not even twenty minutes had passed when the front door swung open and the sounds of Stephanie's footsteps and her bags in tow invaded the space. Colby jumped off my lap, rushing towards her with greetings and a need for food. I sighed deeply, glad that he had left his trance, and pleased with the distraction. "Hey Jake come help!" Stephanie called out from the entryway. I complied, rose from the sofa and walked to meet her by the front door. She had a collection of different bags from the Italian restaurant, her purse and another plain white bag. I took the food, to alleviate the majority of her load, and deposited it on the dining room table. "I'll get the plates!" Colby yelled, rushing past me and towards the cabinets to retrieve them. I looked at Stephanie's exhausted face and wondered at how she did it all. It wasn't the first time I was amazed by her, but the fact she maintained an enthusiastic attitude through it all was a bit exhausting. "How was work?" I asked, smiling a little. "Oh it was good! Busy night, loads of tips." She winked at me. Colby arrived with the plates and cutlery, deposited them next to the food and slid into the bench seat farthest away from where I was standing. "Let's eat!" he giggled. Stephanie groaned, "Hold your horses I need to get out of these clothes." She disappeared into the entryway and up the stairs, the remainder of her possessions in tow. I watched silently as she disappeared, deciding to take a seat at the table and prepare the food. I emptied the various bags, opening different pastas, salads and breads (leftovers from the night) and arranged the plates so that everyone had one. Colby was hopping up and down with anticipation, obviously hungry. "Why didn't you tell me you were hungry?" I asked. "Huh? I was watching television, I don't know." He giggled again, blushing a little. I smiled back. Stephanie descended the stairs and slid in next to her son, eying the food gratefully and looking a tad more relaxed than she had previously. "Alright let's dig in!" We all loaded our plates with the various offerings. If I wasn't hungry before, I was now. By the time I managed to push the first fork full into my mouth I couldn't help but smile. Italian was definitely a comfort food, and comforting was exactly what I needed. I glanced at Colby, who was ravenously devouring his own. Stephanie took a small bite before looking at me with curiosity. "How did things go with Marco today?" I felt my cheeks flush violently, this wasn't exactly the topic of conversation that I wanted to take part in. I glanced at Colby, who was completely hypnotized by the food. "They went, well... I guess," I said, trying to be as non-descript as possible. "Oh come on tell me the details! Did he kiss you?" Colby managed to come out of his trance at that point. I watched as his eyes locked with mine temporarily before flying towards the darkening window. I felt my stomach fall, and the intense feeling of remorse and anxiety from earlier returned to me all too quickly. "Can we talk about it later?" I asked, straining my voice to try and portray how much I didn't want to discuss it. "Oh come on we talk about everything!" She giggled, completely oblivious as to how her son was feeling. "I think I'm going to go to bed," Colby remarked, with a monotone that sank into me like a million knives. "That's all you're gonna eat?" Stephanie asked with surprise, gazing at his only half finished plate. "Yep" Colby replied with the same tone from before. Stephanie stood, allowing him out and he walked towards the stairs without even the slightest glance towards me. I began to feel tears well in my eyes. Stephanie sat and stared at me, "What's wrong?" I just shook my head. How the hell wasn't she aware of what she had done? Every ounce of me hated her; every bit of me wanted her to just leave. She didn't know how much this relationship meant to Colby, and apparently from his reaction it meant a whole lot more than I thought it had. "Oh it's not like you two have had sex or anything." She laughed. I said nothing, still staring silently at the table. "Have you?" she asked, her tone becoming slightly nervous. "I think I need to go for a drive." She nodded, staring at me with an unreadable expression. I slid out, my own plate's level of completion matching Colby's, and slipped through the door without another word.