It's not so much a 'lust' as it is an extremely harsh self loathing that defies any and all human reason. A 'sickness' is what most would call it. A perversity of such unforgivable evil, that it would actually ERASE the equally unforgivable sin of having the local townspeople stone me to death in the middle of the street. It's true. Funny how something like that works out, isn't it? Anyway, like it or not, this is how I feel. And I guess I'm stuck with it.
I don't know...they say it's a 'choice'. Like...maybe it's a reaction to some kind of defective childhood, or some weird social disorder. I don't know whether to believe that or deny it. Who's to say? Trying to explain why you like teenage boys is like trying to explain why you like banannas. How the hell do I know, I just DO! Feelings have 'causes', not reasons. There's a difference. The truth is, I don't know much about ANYTHING that I feel anymore. I push it down far enough where I don't have to deal with it when I can help it. Not that the feeling doesn't shoot straight to the surface whenever it feels like it.
As for the real world...they'd never understand. If I broke down and pleaded for mercy, not a single one of them would offer to give me comfort. Not one. If these 'judges' of mine were ever wondering....the answer is yes...I HAVE cried about it. I've cried about it a lot, actually. Because I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Like...something is so terribly wrong with me, and that people can see it. They don't say anything to my face, but I feel like they can just SMELL the sickness inside of me, and they hate me for it. They hate me sooo much. The funny thing is, I truly doubt that they could hate me anymore than I hate myself at this point. I've got 'em beat in that area. And that's a very important part of my curse, I suppose. I mean...at least if I had cancer or AIDS or something...it would have the mercy to let me go eventually. To just let me sleep peacefully and get it over with. At least then I could have some sympathy, if nothing else. But not this particular disease. This virus, this 'CHOSEN' virus of mine, keeps me alive. For years and years and years to come. My pain is self inflicted, from every moment of supreme pleasure that I derive from it, and that only makes them hate me more. Which only makes ME hate me more. So on and on I suffer with a smile, never feeling wrong for who I am...but knowing that I SHOULD...for some reason. Like I said...I just don't know. All I know is that I've become the cockroach in the world's supposedly sparkling clean kitchen, and it's much easier to snuff me out and throw me in the trash then it is to respect me for simply being alive.
I like teenage boys...there, I said it. I honestly find a beauty and a high level of sexual attraction in teenage boys. Sighhhh....and if that is a choice...then it's not a very good one. Certainly not a choice I remember making willingly. Why would I...knowing the circumstances? It's not like I 'targeted' them on purpose. I used to fall in love with the many cute boys in my high school when I was a teenager. I got older, my tastes didn't. There was no more 'choice' in it than that.
"Hey Eric, you're ok to close tonight, right?" My boss asked me. He was about 35 years old I guess, and nice looking enough. His wife was absolutely gorgeous. Like Marilyn Monroe gorgeous. But it was their 13 year old son Troy that kept me drooling. The days when he'd come by to see his dad were unbearable for me. He was the perfect mix of beauty between his mom and dad. I found myself looking away from him whenever he came in. He was a temptation that I didn't need. And this was one of those days when he came in and looked even hotter than normal.
"Yeah...I'm cool." I answered.
"Alright then, I'll see you tomorrow. C'mon, Troy."
The boy tagged along behind him, and politely said, "Bye, Eric." To which I could only mumble an acknowledgement back. He was a prince, a total prince. But hands off to the highest degree. I won't even pretend that I could have a shot at it. I don't care how badly my heart jumps around him. I have to admit though, it gets frustrating trying to keep myself from being....'happy'. Even if only in my thoughts.
My name is Eric, and I'm telling you...it's not my fault. I've tried over and over again to MAKE it my fault, so I could knock it off and make the feeling go away. But it's in my heart, it's in my very BEING. I can't turn it off anymore than you can tell somebody to not be afraid when danger is present, or not to laugh when you hear something funny, or not to be hurt when you've been emotionally battered and bruised. It's as difficult as having someone walk through a field of surprise explosions...and telling them not to react to the noise, the flash, the smell, the heat. It's not for you to control! It's not something you can just...STOP because somebody tells you to! Don't you get it??? DAMMIT...can anybody hear me SCREAMING inside?!?!?! IT'S...NOT...MY...FAULT!!!! FUCK!!! There was a time when I felt like crying every damn day! When I wanted to slit my wrists before being deemed a 'pervert' and tossed out of society's favor. Would that be better? I wonder. I imagine that the progression beyond people's ideals of sexual, racist, chauvenistic, material, and bigoted attitudes don't apply to me. They never will. There will never come a day when I get to be...'embraced'. People are overweight and accept themselves for who they are. People are gay and accept themselves for who they are. People are short and accept themselves for who they are. But me? No...it's better that I let them beat me up emotionally everytime a thought pops into my head, and then finish murdering myself manually while they sit back and watch. I'm SUPPOSED to suffer for the rest of my life...or END my life altogether! I'm beginning to understand that THAT'S what the people who look down on me want. They want to make sure that I am never able to lift my head for fear that I might make it look 'OK' to love somebody that THEY say I shouldn't. That's what life is all about, isn't it? Telling somebody that you don't even fucking KNOW how to live their lives? If that's not what the loving almighty God intended for the world, then I don't know what is. Do these people, while spitting venom at anyone in my particular 'species', ever think for a minute that I haven't THOUGHT of what it means to have the attractions that I do? Do they honestly think that I'm some villain twisting my moustache and waiting for some random 4 year old boy at the bottom of the slide with a knapsack and a getaway car? It's not LIKE that! God dammit...'sob'...why doesn't anybody fucking understand that?
"Excuse me? Where's the martial arts section?" A customer asked.
"It's...it's at the end of action movies. Over to your right, past sci-fi." I told him, trying to keep my rage from being too obvious.
Sighhh....you see? This is what Troy and every other cute boy that walks in here does to me. And now I'm getting myself flustered again. I love teens, ok? Jesus, forgive me if I seem like the Anti-Christ for it, but it's the truth. It's a part of me, it's who I am. A cute 15 year old boy walks past me, sexy, sweet, smiling...I LOOK. Sue me, hate me, smash my head in with a fucking rock...but DON'T tell me that I have control over that! I don't. You don't know what it feels like. You don't know how many years that I wished...PRAYED...that the urge to turn my head and stare just...didn't exist in me anymore. You don't know how HARD it is to have other 'gay' people look so far down on you and your kind. Making YOU the freak in a society of outcasts who are already being looked down on for THEIR attractions. You'd think they would understand better than ANYBODY. But they can be just as bad if not worse. They figure it's a sick choice that I made on my own, and they'll be damned if they support it. If anything, I'm making the rest of them 'look bad'. Why am I the scum on the bottom of their shoe? I'm trapped into what I find attractive just like all gay people are, but they've become more 'accepted' these days than they were before. So hey...I guess that makes things DIFFERENT now...doesn't it? YOU guys get to preach about how 'proud' you are, and march and protest and get positive role models in tv and movies. YOU guys get to tell the world how you were just 'born that way', and that there's 'nothing wrong with what you feel', and that it's only love. YOU guys get to live in your secluded thoughts and mark ME the badguy because you no more understand my emotions than straight people understand yours. Exactly what do you call it when the homosexuals themselves become homophobic about MY attractions? There should be a name for it...but you know what? There isn't. And I'll tell you why...because eveybody on my side splits into four categories. The rapists and molesters who get glorified in the media, the people who are so afraid that they get bullied into keeping it a dirty little secret, the people who feel it but totally deny it and will do anything to escape it even if it means living unhappily for the rest of their lives, making the rest of us feel even MORE alone...and the few people like me who have gotten tired of hating themselves and just want to be left alone. Just....left alone. Won't happen. CAN'T happen. They'll just keep kicking me and kicking me and kicking me until they either kill me or I kill myself. Just like the mindless worker ants that they are. And we say society doesn't work.
"I think we'll take these." Said a lady putting her videos on the counter.
"Sure." I said, supressing my feelings again as quickly as possible. I might as well let it go for now. I seem to have this conversation with myself every day or two, and it has yet to do me any good. Why would today be any different? "Do you want to sign up for our preffered customer program?"
Do they ever say yes? Doubtful. Anyway, I had been working the register at a video sales store in the left wing of the local mall for a few months now. I had taken the job to help out during my first year at college, but now, at age 23 and on summer break, I figured I'd keep it a bit longer. Besides, I loved the people I worked with and it was hard for me to start all over in a strange place again. I got comfortable, go figure. Oh...and by the way, just so you know...if you're attracted to really cute teenage boys and hate yourself because of what you feel......
THE LAST PLACE ON *EARTH* YOU WANT TO WORK IS THE FUCKING MALL!!!!!!!
Just a word to the wise.
"No, that's alright. Just these." Said the woman at the counter. She had come in a few minutes ago with her son and what I assumed to be his best friend. I guess they were about 12 years old or so. I was such a bad judge of ages. They were young, a bit too young for my usual tastes, but their beauty was already unmistakeable. A vision of this untouchable creation, and I was both thanking and cursing fate simultaneously for being able to see the erotic nature in something so amazing. It was breathtaking to watch the two of them interact, to just smile and laugh and walk throughout the store as though they had no idea how gorgeous they were. There was nothing like it, the subtle sensuality of a boy coming into his sexual years. I loved the way they moved, the way every soft muscle in their body seemed to work together so perfectly without any strain at all. The way their eyes could shine with this light that people seemed to be in such a hurry to get rid of by the time they got out of high school. Their skin seemed to glow with youth, and you could almost sense the aura of budding hormones bringing an electric appearance to their every feature. It was enough to magnetize your every waking thought to them, even when you felt guilty as hell for even entertaining the idea.
"Did you find everything you were looking for today, ma'am?" I asked, just trying to keep them there for a few seconds longer. I could glance at the boys from time to time...but not for too long. I didn't dare. Staring at them was a taboo punishable by immediate rejection and a slow painful death. Plus their mom was standing right in front of me. So I caught glances whenever I could, timidly, cautiously, and I rang the lady up for the two DVDs she was buying. Then, after money had exchanged hands, and I had given her the receipt...she called to the two boys and all three of them left the store. Just like that they were gone. Just...gone. To think...it'll never get any better than that. I'll think about them a bit for the next hour or so. If I get brave, I might even work out some breathless sexual encounter with them in my mind...the sweating and gentle kisses, as our spirits connected through the sensory touches of our flesh. If a boy was extremely hot, reserved for what I like to call my 'candlelight gallery'...then I might mentally give them a name and use that image to masturbate over later. Sigh...but then they'd fade away from my memory. Or maybe I purposely 'pushed' them aside, because I didn't want to hold on to the pain of never having that pleasure in my life. I didn't want to think about how impossible it was....even if, by some freakish occurrence, he was to say yes. I've GOT to stop being so pathetic.
"What's wrong with you? You look like your bride just ran out on ya!" Said Jack, one of my co-workers. He was one of those guys who wasn't overly flamboyant in any possible way, but if you looked at him twice you could just TELL he was gay. Something he didn't flaunt, but didn't mind telling you if you asked him. Jack was maybe a year or so older than I was, and while he was a cutie in every sense of the word, he wasn't exactly my type. We didn't have much in common, and the stuff we DID have in common, we disagreed on certain aspects of it. Still, he was a good friend. I had a lot of love for him, and he was one of the only people on the planet that 'knew' I liked guys too.
I left out the part about liking teenagers, of course. No need to have HIM hate me too. So...I was sorta both 'OUT' of the closet, and 'IN' the closet, at the same time. So it goes.
"I'm ok. Just thinking about shit. Most of it meaningless." I answered.
"Yeah, well cut it out. You're creepy when you're quiet." He smiled.
"You know what I mean. Anyway...tell me. What do you think?" He said, pulling two shirts out of a plastic bag. He must have gone clothes shopping elsewhere in the mall while he was on his break. "The red shirt...which I think is so hot?" Then his facial expression changed as he held up the other one, and lowered his voice a bit, "Or....the blue one...which I think is soooo cool?" You see, Jack had recently acquired himself a boy toy of the highest caliber. 24 years old, sexy as hell, body of a god, and bright blue eyes to die for. The kind of guy that women would KILL to get their hands on! The only problem is...one woman DID get her hands on him. This other guy, Phillip was his name, was already married. But...it looks like he had a few leftover feelings for the male species, and now they get together once or twice a week to be...um...'gay' together. I was really happy for him. I don't think I've ever seen Jack more in love.
"Go red. It's a nice color on you." I replied.
"EXACTLY what I was thinking! Great. I'll take the other one back tomorrow. He's taking me to dinner tonight, so I want to look my best."
"Good. I'm glad." Truth was, even though I spent all of my time in high school hating and envying the boys who were straight and had everything handed to them so easily when it came to dating...I now hated and envied the gay people my age who liked...well...'gay people my age'. I could come out tomorrow and be accepted...but the teenage thing...that's a looong way off from being ok. Probably not possible in MY lifetime, and that sucks. I really don't think any of this is fair. If I had a direct access to heaven, I'd really love to make some strong worded complaints to the 'management' about my situation.
"We've got a hotel room just outside of town. He's paying for it, and we're spending the whole weekend together." Jack said as he sighed to himself. "I can't believe it...dude, he's so sweet. He's more beautiful than you can ever imagine, and he makes me so happy. If only I could tell you how incredible he makes me feel."
"Do your parents suspect that anything is up, yet?"
"Oh GOD no! If they found out I was gay, they'd crucify me! On the front lawn, no less!"
"I'm sorry bro." I said. His parents were pretty anti-gay, and strict about it.
"Don't be. I'm not." Jack replied. "As long as I'm happy, who gives a shit? I love somebody who loves me back. Totally. COMPLETELY. If they find out about it then they'll just have to deal with it. Phillip means a lot to me..." Then he smiled as he whispered, "...and he fucks like a pro! Hehehe! GOD, he's good at it!"
It was at that point in the conversation, while giggling a bit at his brazen honesty, that I 'accidently' looked out into the hallway of the mall out in front of the store. It happened casually, unexpectedly, but only fate could have directed my attention so expertly. I know that now. It just so happened that a boy was walking into the music store across the hall, and redfined the standard for any and every boy to follow him from then on. I only noticed a blond blur at first, but it was enough to make me do a double take and look closer. It was one of those moments when I wish I could block out those feelings and just not care about the beauty standing out in front of the store. But there was absolutely no way in hell a boy like this was going to let go of my affections until he was done absorbing them completely. The moment my eyes softly landed on him, I was lost in him.
"His dick has GOT to be like 9 inches! At LEAST! I mean, he doesn't look like he should be packing like that, because he's so thin..."
"HUH???" I gasped, thinking the comment was pointed at the boy outside. But he was obviously still talking about his new boyfriend. Thank goodness, I thought I had been 'made' for a minute there. "Sorry, go ahead." I said, and Jack continued.
Jack rambled on and on, and I was listening, sure. But my attention was elsewhere. I found myself trying to find ways to nonchalantly glance back out into the hallway every few seconds and look at more of this kid. Jack was making eye contact with me, so if I looked over too much, he'd follow my line of sight and figure me out. This had to be done carefully. I wondered about his age. How old could he be at that size? With such delicate features? From his face, he looked 12 or 13 at the most. His skin was so smooth, his hair so silky, no one keeps that kind of untouched beauty for much longer than 12 or 13 these days. But his body was that of a full blown teenager. Long legs and arms, he HAD to be a bit older. At least I think he was. Like I said, I'm bad with ages.
"...his wife would kill him if she ever found out! I mean, he loves her, and I respect that. But I love him too, and I don't know if I could just...stop. You know what I mean?" I was certainly able to catch that piece of his conversation. And yes...I DID know what he meant...unfortunately.
"Yeah. I do." I stared out into the hall. Now almost without shame. This kid was a 'candlelight' candidate if ever I saw one. In fact, he might be in the top ten of my all time favorites. I was actually getting excited here.
He was maybe 5' 9", give or take an inch, and erotically slim, which made him look even taller. He was too far away to see the color of his eyes unfortunately, but I could tell from the mere shape of them that they were awesome. He had a delicious looking neck that was covered in the back with this shiny mass of light blond hair. Almost white looking in comparison to the honey sweetened tan of his skin. His 'spun gold' locks hung down unequally in the front of his adorable face. Down to his eyebrow on the left side of his face, and all the way down to his perfect thin pink lips on the right. The right side would swing softly with his every move, and it would make your heart stop when he flicked it back with a tender jerk of his head. His ear peeked out from the left side in the cutest way, and it was decorated with a small hoop earring. He was lovely in a way that I had no words for. His clothes fit him a bit loosely. Not overly baggy, but loose. Yet, the subtle curves of his frame seemed to playfully touch every inch of those clothes from the inside. The mounds of his ass seemed to tease me by almost giving me a hint as to the shape of it, before disappearing back into the baggy fabric again. Jack's conversation began to fall on deaf ears as my visual infatuation grew stronger. He was wearing these bright warm colors that made his hair, his face, and his soft lips glow with the most unmerciful sexual radiance. He was love personified, and I was hopelessly lost in him. It only took a minute or two to work his subliminal magic on me. Sighhhhh....
"Are you listening to me?" Jack was seriously interrupting my boy watching activity.
"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, go ahead."
"Riiiiiight..." He said playfully. "Nevermind, dude. I swear...you're a complete stoner today."
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be weird or anything."
"Don't sweat it, freak boy. Look, I'm gonna put both of these shirts back by my coat, just in case I change my mind later. And then I'm gonna get a coke from down the hall. You want something?" He asked, but my attention was already being yanked back to the hallway, even though I fought to resist. You know...for the sake of not being too blatant about it.
"Yeah, can you pick me up some spicy fries from the food court? I need a snack." I gave Jack a few bucks, happy that he was leaving for a few minutes so that I could drink in the gorgeous aura of this boy while he was gone. The second Jack took off, I got myself front row seats to the see the object of my dreams for months and months to come. With an infatuated sigh, I just put my head in my hand, and stared longingly as the boy shopped around for cds. So unaware that he was changing my life with every second that he stayed in my line of vision. It was like love....but 'express'. I liked the feeling.
Immediately, my attention went back out into the hall, and I saw that the boy had gone into the music store accross the way to look around for a while. He was even further away, but at least he was still in sight. I watched him the whole time, his every movement was a sonnet of poetry reserved for a master. That is the kind of beauty that inspires song lyrics, novels, paintings, sculptures...every expression of love rolled into one. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. "Hi." Came a voice from in front of me. Some damn customer had walked up to destroy the foundation of my romantic moment with the unknown boy of my dreams. I couldn't help but hate him for it.
Hiding my frustration as well as I could, I mumbled, "Hi...is this all today, sir?" And he nodded, trying to make some small talk with me about the quality of the movie he was buying. Whatever, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't care about ANYTHING at that moment, except for getting back to my boy watching before that delicious golden apple of mine left the mall and never crossed my path again. I hurriedly finished up the transaction and sent him on his way, but then the idiot asked me for some damn directions to another store in the mall! Arrrrrggghhh! "You know, there's a map of the whole mall right down the hall. Just go straight ahead and take a left at the escalator. You can find it there." I said, ready to say anything just to get him out of my line of vision. But by the time the guy had gathered his stuff and gotten it together, someone ELSE had gotten in line. Great...MORE distractions. And HE wanted to use a credit card to pay for a 5 dollar budget rack movie! Grrrr! Like he didn't have a roll of TWENTIES in his damn pocket! He just wants to take up extra time so I miss the last few precious moments that I have to spend with my new infatuation! I swear, I should have just hit him and sent him running for mall security! At least THEN I'd have a few moments alone! But I ended up going through the whole process anyway. Next time, save the credit card for something 50 bucks or more you asshole! Before I was finished, somebody ELSE got in line behind him!!! I was literally gritting my teeth together at this point, trying my HARDEST to steal a look or two across the hall every once in a while when I could get away with it. The boy hadn't left yet, thankfully, but he wouldn't be there forever. And all I ask is that I get a chance to stare at him long enough to have something to remember for later. Is that too much to ask for? Just a few minutes...just a FEW! C'mon....look at how HOT he is! He's worthy of tears for crying outloud! I finished up with 'Mr. I Need A Credit Card For Everything', and started on the next guy. Thank goodness he paid cash, and wasn't interested in starting up any kind of conversation. Just bought his stuff, and left...like a good customer should! NOW...if I can put an END to the interruptions, I've got someone that I can stare at longingly while kicking myself in the stomach for being so creepy.
My attention was held hostage as I saw him walk up to the cd store register and I was able to get a closer look. A LITTLE bit closer, anyway. He was talking to the girl at the counter, a sweet angelic smile crossing his lips, and she reached down to grab something for him. As I looked closer...I saw what she handed him. A sheet of paper...an application! SWEET! He's job hunting, and right across the hall to boot! I was absolutely overjoyed! What if he gets the job? Wow...a chance to gawk at him three, maybe four times a week! God, they're lucky! It doesn't get any better than that. I'd be here everyday if it meant being able to just...just...
Just what? Sit here like a moron and glare longingly at him so I can go home alone and pretend that we had some kind of strange connection with each other? Go and jack it off alone somewhere, feel lonely and sad and stupid, and then torture myself by coming back to do it all over again? How pathetic is that?
"Geez, you really DO have something on your mind today, don't ya?" Jack said, almost concerned at the obvious look of conflict on my face. All this emotional turmoil...just to stare at a boy that I can't have and will probably never see again. Still, I can't help but be enchanted. I CAN'T HELP IT!!! And it SUCKS!!! DAMMIT it sucks!!!
"I'm alright. Just...wishing and wanting, I suppose." I said.
"Yeah, trust me, I know the feeling! Did you know that it's been two months since they opened that Ambercrombie and Fitch store downstairs? Wishing and wanting, indeed my friend!" He said, joking. But as a pinch of depression set in, watching the soft curves of that boy....so distant to me as far as anything satisfying could ever hope to touch...I saw nothing to laugh about. I should have let go of the idea the second I saw him. It would have saved me some pain. "Alrighty then, one small bag of french fries for the 'snack man'." Jack handed me the fries and I did my best to sway my attention from my dreamboy long enough to thank him before he got suspicious. Then...I noticed the boy leaving the music store...and coming across the hall. I thought maybe I had it wrong at first, but there was no doubt about it...he was going to come into the video store! I fell right back in love with him, TWICE as hard this time! He was coming! He was coming in HERE!!! My heart jumped to attention and started beating hard at the grace of the most lust-a-licious boy on Earth as he entered the doorway!
I was instantly short of breath, speechless, and when I saw his eyes...glowing a bright, almost NEON, shade of light blue...I felt myself wanting to run and hide. I instantly left Jack at the register, and pretended to mill around in the back of the video store to keep the boy from sucking me back in to his beauty again. Wow.....he was amazing. I kept my eyes to the ground, worried that if I looked at him directly, his exotic features would paralyze me and bring on a fainting spell or something. He was THAT cute! If one sexual thought had entered my mind involving this kid, I'd involuntarily blow a load all over the 'showtunes' rack! And yet...that urge was overpowering. That NEED to look at him, to want him, to talk to him...even though I was nervous enough to visibly tremble in his presence. I'm a grown man for goodness sakes! What the hell is the matter with me?
For the next few minutes, I secretly used my eyes to track him through the store. Always keeping a safe distance, always doing what I could to tell my heart to stop throbbing like that. I couldn't seem to...CALM DOWN! He was totally 'candlelight', and my sex drive was soooo hungry for even the slightest nibble of him that my knees were ready to buckle beneath me. It was times like this where I said, 'To hell with right and wrong! I WANT him!' Still, there was no reason for HIM to know that. I would peek at him through the racks of videos, or pretend to rearrange the action figures to remain near him. Then...while standing on the other side of the DVD rack, I took a close up look at that sweet face of his....and in an instant, he caught me! I think I might have gasped outloud, I'm not sure, I HOPE not! But when those glorious baby blue eyes raised up to look back at me, beaming like a pair of brightened headlights...my breath escaped me, and I got weak in the center of my stomach. Forget being in my top ten most favorite boys...this boy hit number one immediately. "D-D-Do you need any help?" It was the only thing I could think of to say to him. I was shaking so badly that anything that required more thought would have gotten all caught up in my throat and came out a stuttering, uncontrolled, mess of mumbled words. Besides, my legs were trembling, my stomach felt heavy with jitters, and my heart was fluttering so insanely that it was hard to even control the volume of my voice at this point.
"No thanks. Just looking around." He said. His voice was just now trying to find its pitch, the one it would use for the rest of his life, I could tell. The change was well underway. I figured that he was maybe 14 or 15 years old. You could see it whenever you had gotten up the courage to look at him up close. Geez...I feel soooo sorry for the kids that have to go to school with this boy and stare at him out of the corner of their eyes. It's already enough to drive ME insane, and I've only been looking at him for about 15 minutes now.
I backed off, hoping that he didn't write me off as some nerd who had a staring problem, and went back to 'work'. Every few seconds, my eyes wandered back over to him. As though my mind had not yet been convinced that he was even REAL. But I guess he was on to me, because a few more times, he would catch me looking. I was trying to forget about him, trying to keep myself together...but every second that he was there, I wanted to examine him. I wanted to burn a hole right through his shirt with a gaze of pure passion. Sex was the first attraction, if I ran my finger across the glassy surface of his smooth young skin, I would explode without warning. I don't think I've ever been SO infatuated, SO quickly. It was kinda fun, to be honest. I felt like I was an excited 14 year old freshman again, hiding a boner in my third period math class.
DAMN! He just caught me looking again! I was sure he knew I was watching. I'd be trying to sneak another glance or two, and he'd quickly look up and stare right into my eyes when I least expected it. He's a smart one. Ok...this has got to stop before I scare him away and he leaves the store. At least I can bask in his warm glow for a little bit longer.
"Hey Eric! I've gotta make a phone call, bro. Watch the register, will ya?" Jack shouted out.
Sighhh...great timing. SHIT! So much for my last few moments. I slouched my way up to the counter and stood in my confined prison, unable to even SEE the blond that had captured my heart so completely. He was behind one of the many corners of the store, and would probably be leaving soon anyway. I could almost take it upon myself to be sad about it...but come on. I mean, what was I gonna do? Honestly. It's not like I was going to ask him for his phone number and see if he wanted to go to Chuckie Cheese Pizza after work. It's a pointless pursuit, and the only relationship that I'd ever be able to share with a boy like this is the one that takes place in my mind during the few short moments that he spends in our store. I guess the whole damn concept was kinda silly. I should let it go.
Still...he WAS pretty damn fine! Whew...hotter than the fires of HELL, this kid was! So cute that I didn't even bother feeling guilty about falling for him.
"Excuse me?" I looked up, and standing in front of me, was that same vision of perfection, his eyes blazing with a glamour that he seemed so unaware of that it was actually intimidating. He ran his fingers through the long side of his blond hair, and pushed it out of his face while he talked to me. The softness of his gentle motions, it only made him more desireable. "Hi." He said.
"...Yeah?" The tremble came back to my chest, and this time it spread way out to my arms, my legs, everywhere. The tremors were growing stronger, and he was so close that I could smell the honey sweetened scent of his golden hair from behind the counter.
"Are you guys hiring by any chance? I'm kinda looking to make some extra cash this summer." He said. His voice was smooth, sexy, and yet still contained a hint of that boyish quality that gave it its charm.
"Um...yeah. Yeah...I think so." I said...not moving an inch for fear that this boy would disappear like a dream dissolving into the morning sunlight at the sound of my alarm. Then I realized that he was waiting. "Oh...hehehe, you need an application, don't you?"
"Yeah." He smiled, and my heart melted instantaneously. He had the sweetest set of lips, thin and ruby red. Kissable is hardly the word to describe them. "I've been going to some of the cool places around the mall to see what I can find. I figured I'd give this place a shot." I loved to hear him speak, he had such a grace about him. He had the kind of eyes and smile that subconciously let you know right off the bat that he'd be easy to talk to. And he was. Subtly cheerful in the most adorable way. I reached under the counter and handed him an application, unable to speak. "Cool, thanks. Say...is there a place I can fill this out?" He asked.
We always tell people to go out into the hallway where there are tables. That way they don't crowd the counter and take up space and stuff. It's sort of the boss' store policy. "You can fill it out right here on the counter if you want." WHAT? Like you didn't expect me to make an exception in HIS case!
He filled out everything, with me looking down at him shamelessly every once and a while, and fighting the urge to smile. Trying to find something to say, and yet being too scared to say anything at all. He was truly something to be admired with awe. As his head was lowered to write, his long side of blond splendor dropped down to obscure his eyes from my sight...not that he wasn't tantalizing anyway. His shoulders were slim and moved so seductively as he wrote out his informaton on the sheet. And occassionally he would flip his head back to get his hair out of his face...only to let it swoop down again the second he went back to writing. He was so damn CUTE! I can't STAND it!
It was a good ten minutes worth of bliss, having him there by me. I studied him longingly, his smooth fingers, his flawless lips, the sweetness of his clean scent, the hang of his clothes on his almost wafish frame...it was all magic to me. Then he finished filling in his information and looked back up at me, his eyes causing me to feel a flutter in the bottom of my stomach. "So, is it ok if I leave this here with you?" He asked.
"Yeah......that's fine." I was getting soooo hard just talking to him up close. I don't think I've ever been so excited.
"Cool. Thanks man." He said with that charming smile crossing his face again. "I'm Dustin, by the way." He said, shaking my hand.
"Eric." Thank goodness I could remember my name. "I'll make sure the manager gets this as SOON as he gets in tomorrow." Even if I had to staple it to his shirt! I definitely wanted this kid to work here....BADLY!
"Ok. I'll see you later then, Eric." Oh wow, he said my name. Mmmmm...I was literally leaning against the counter at this point, trying to hide my erection from anyone watching.
He gave me a slight wave, and brushed the long side of his hair out of his eyes again while walking out of the store. I let my eye travel downward to his cute little butt. The shape of it was mostly obscured by the somewhat baggy pants he was wearing, but just that hint of its soft and supple possibilities was enough to make me sigh outloud with delight.
I literally had to lean against the wall to keep from falling over when he left. A smile crossed my face, and I felt like a schoolboy with his first crush. I immediately went reaching for his application, and read it from beginning to end. Dustin was 14 years old, only half way to 15. The only other place he had ever worked was his father's convenience store. I almost wanted to take it home with me, just to have a piece of him to keep forever. I felt so silly for being so in love with this boy after such a short interaction with him. But I couldn't HELP it! My body just reacted wildly to the mere thought of him, and I was tingling all over so bad that I had to sitdown on the counter to keep myself still. He had just left, and I was already at the point where I couldn't wait to see him again.
"Dude...what is UP with you today?" I turned my head and saw Jack giving me the strangest look.
"Nothing. WHY?" I said, trying not to burst out in a childish fit of giggles.
"You look like you just busted the best nut of your life! All you're missing is a cigarette and a wet spot." He joked.
"Leave me alone. I'm fine." I smiled.
"One minute you look like you're a brain impulse away from going on a murder rampage, and now you're shits and giggles. Some days....you are VERY hard to figure out, you know that?"
Hehehe, very hard...that's a good word to use right now. "What can I say? I'm complicated."
"Yeah, well complicate yourself over to these racks and help me clean up so we can get out of here on time tonight." Jack said with a little poke. "I've got a date."
Dustin, Dustin....sighhh...I could close my eyes and still see him in front of me. I'm being SUCH a dope. Hehehe, but I like it. Jack and I set everything up and cleaned the store ahead of time, so we had no problem closing up shop at the end of the night. Jack happily skipped off to meet his boy toy outside in the parking lot. Jack was right, he was pretty damn cute, and driving a nice car on top of it. As Jack smiled at me out of the window, the two of them driving away, I thought about how nice it must be. To just...have a special someone. Not just sex, although, that would be pretty damn cool too. But an actual 'someone'. A person that you could love and talk to and play with...and then get sex on TOP of all that. Yeah...it must be nice.
Laying in bed that night, I let my mind wander right back to Dustin and the few words we had exchanged that afternoon. There were some times that I felt guilty before reaching under those covers. I felt dirty, like...somehow I using a piece of some poor unsuspecting little boy to fuel my sickness even further than it's already gone. But guilty or not, sex and passion do take over, and as wicked as it seems, you begin to realize that it's just a thought. It's just me and my desires, alone in a dark room. No one will ever know...no one can hurt me for that, right? And so I slowly reach downward...and I begin to feel that 'rush'. That sensation of escape from the prison I keep myself bottled up in all day. Now I can stare without being stared at. Now I can feel without having to supress and compact the feeling to the point of bursting. Now I can...I can mentally touch him. That delicate skin, that smooth neck with only the faintest wisps of fine blond hair sprouting gently from the surface. Not much more than peach fuzz. I can almost feel the tickle of it against my lips as I envision kissing his neck repeatedly, each kiss touching upon a different spot of him, making him shiver and moan. Right there at the counter, with his head down still filling out that application...and me standing behind him, kissing and licking that oh so soft skin on his neck. With my hands, I could pull those silken blond locks out of his eyes. I could rub the front of his bare tummy, letting my hand slide seductively up the front of his shirt. Perhaps, even letting it slide down into his pants, running through the untouched hairs that exist just below his soft stomach. The feel of his hardness pulsing in my hand would make me kiss his neck with more passion, lustfully needing more. Feeling him slowly push his hips back, the spongy softness of his ass rubbing back and forth across my lap, trapping my stiffness between the cushioned grip of his young cheeks. How can something so forbidden feel so good?
My mind could go on forever with that image, but my body gave in pretty fast, and the moment of truth was already upon me. I couldn't stop it now, I was going to explode any second. With that burning sensation building up inside of me, I held my breath and forced a few flashes of pure sexual frenzy to cross my mind. That last minute adrenaline rush, full of sucking and licking and eating...and every pornographic image that would come to a pervert like me in the throws of passion. Then...with a huge burst and a gasp...I felt the warm liquid rain down on my chest and stomach area, the sexual pleasure sweeping me up and shaking me until I was dry. God it was good. And it took a while for my breath to return to me. Then, as always, the thoughts of my angel were wiped clean away from me. With every swipe of the towel, he disappeared, and I was alone again. Painfully alone.
Bad thoughts to go to sleep on.
I had kept my promise, and made sure that the hiring manager had considered taking Dustin on as a new employee. I talked him up as best as I could without looking like I was doing him a 'favor'. I actually thought that he might be getting the job after all the extra effort I put into getting him noticed as more than just another application. You can imagine the hurt I felt a week or two later when the manager finally called him back and he told him he had already gotten another job. Arrrrgh! Damn!!! Why the hell didn't he call him EARLIER! I TOLD him to! FUCK! It was enough to truly depress me for an entire DAY or two after the boss told me. I was almost ready to figure Dustin for one of those incredibly hot fantasies in the flesh that only cross your path once in a lifetime and then you never see them again. For once...I wasn't quite that unlucky.
"Eric, right?" Said a voice behind me one Saturday morning while I was on my way to open the store. When I turned and saw Dustin walking behind me with a smile, I lost all of my wits and banged my foot into one of the mall planters on the side of the hall. It started to tilt and Dustin was able to run over and help me keep it from tipping over. "Hehehe, are you ok?"
"Um....no!" I grinned, hopping around for a second or two until the pain in my right foot faded away a little bit. I blushed instantly, soooo embarassed at the sudden Jerry Lewis impression.
"Do you need a hand?" He said, and walked closer to put my arm over his shoulder for support.
His shoulders were so slim, so delicate...I could feel his peach fuzz blond slightly rub against my arm. He giggled gently, and it was so cute that I could hardly contain myself. It was too much! I...I couldn't do this. I was touching him, like...physically touching him. And he was so soft...and WARM...and DAMN if he didn't smell good! I was shooting to attention fast, and it felt like I couldn't breathe at all. I had to get away...like...RIGHT THEN! "It's ok! Really, I'm ok! I'm...I'm fine! See?" I said, and held back a wince as I walked around a bit without his assistance.
"Ok." He said with a strange look. "If you're sure you're alright?"
"Yes. Yes, I'm great." I answered quickly, and we both headed over to the escalator. As we slowly scrolled up to the second floor, I asked him, "What are you doing here so early? The mall won't even be really open for another 20 minutes or so."
"I got a job." He said, and he reached in his pocket, pulling out a name tag from the music store across the hall from us. "They actually called two days before you guys did. I wish I had known. I love music, but I love movies more." His smile seemed to have gotten even sweeter than I remembered it. I found myself speechless in his presence. I don't think it had even registered in my mind yet, what he was telling me. "Anyway, it sucks that I've gotta get up this early on a Saturday, but I could use the money. Otherwise this summer is going to totally suck. You know?"
All I could do was nod in silence, and as I was staring at him, the pause in our conversation becoming a little longer than what could be considered comfortable, he smiled at me again. I blushed even darker and took my eyes off of him. "I'm sorry, hehehe, my mind isn't completely awake yet. Not until I have my morning coffee." It was a good cover, considering the fact that I was losing my MIND at the moment. I hope he was buying it.
"Ah, ok." He grinned. "I'm not usually a coffee person until the middle of the day, myself. But it sounds like a good idea if you feel like going." He was such a friendly kid, with this charismatic vibe that didn't escape your attention for a single second. I kinda smiled back at him and we reached the top of the escalator on the second floor. "Soooo....." He said as I started heading towards work. I stopped and turned to see what was up. "...Do you wanna go?"
"Go? Go where?"
"Morning coffee? Escalator? Banged your foot?" He giggled. "Hi...I'm Dustin? Remember?" He was teasing me harmlessly, and I had to mentally smack myself to keep up.
"Well...I guess I've still got 20 minutes until we open."
"Cool. Smitty's downstairs is already open. I passed 'em when I came in the side door. Let's go." The enthusiasm in his voice enticed me, and something about him being satisfied made me smile. Not just that visible smirk on my face, but it literally made my whole BODY smile from the inside. It's something you have to feel to really understand.
"Alright then. You lead the way."
We went right back down the escalator we had just gotten off of, and walked down the side wing to the coffee shop. All the way there, Dustin would call out, "Plant...plant...chair...plant...drinking fountain..." still making fun of my clumsiness and making sure I don't run into anything else. Until I finally just laughed and told him to shut up about it. It was weird, but for a few short moments there, I had almost forgotten that he was the hottest fucking boy on EARTH! Don't worry though, the warm feelings inside didn't stay away long.
And that was the beginning of our weekend routine. For the next two or three weeks, I'd come in 20 minutes early, he'd come in 20 minutes early, and we'd walk down to Smitty's to get coffee. Every day that we opened together. I'd get the hazelnut with a shot of vanilla, and he'd get and iced mocha, and occassionally we'd split one of the big cookies from behind the counter. It was fun, and Dustin would always tell me about his week and what was going on with him. I sat there like a love starved puppy, absorbing every word. When Dustin talked, he held your interest. His gestures, his sense of humor, his ability to use just the right words to deliver the best possible impact. All that mixed with the occassional cockiness of a teenage boy, and a smile that could stop time in full bloom. My day didn't seem complete without him. He'd even prank call me sometimes on his day off, asking for some racy porn flick or something in an attempt to fool me. But I could always tell it was him. Only a true angel had a voice like that. Every now and then, I'd drool over how cute he was without even trying. But more than that...he was just a genuine person, and that really stuck out for me.
What really surprised me was that he didn't really seem to talk about his other friends much. It's not that they didn't exist, because he had mentioned them to me before. But for some reason it didn't feel as though he was really connected to them in any particular way. It's hard to explain. Just a vibe that I got from him. Weird. But he seemed to truly ADORE talking to me, though. Every chance he got. And he'd ask a LOT of questions. Always asking questions. When I started working there, where I'm from, who my friends are, did I have brothers or sisters, movie stuff, music stuff, tv stuff, hobbies, bad habits, where I lived, where I went to high school, where I went to college...he asked so many questions that I had to make sure that I wasn't repeating myself in the answer. But it was adorable the way he'd slightly squint his eyes and concentrate on the answer, listening and sucking up every word for memory like I was gonna give him a test on it at the end of the summer. You know...MOST people ask you questions just to make conversation, but they don't really care one way or the other. Dustin, however, he never waivered his attention, not once. Not only would he listen, but he'd remember the conversation better than I could. He honestly wanted to know.....about ME. He was such a refreshing change from...well...everything I had ever known.
As a few more weeks went by, we started coming to work earlier for that cup of coffee. To the point where we had to wait for Smitty to open the gate and let us in. It was so cute, the way Dustin would paw at the gate like a zombie and moan, "Coffeeeeeee....I need coffeeeee.." until Smitty was almost insane from it. Naturally, with Dustin being so addictive in everything he did, I fell into the moment and would start the zombified moaning right along with him. We were probably Smitty's best customers, and worst enemies at the same time. But it was undeniable, we had found in each other...a kindred spirit on as many levels as we had explored to that point. And we were always discovering more.
What can I say? Dustin and I became 'friends'. Really GOOD friends, actually. The kind of friends that are finishing each other's sentences almost right away. We were becoming that close. Sometimes he'd wave from across the hall, or make faces at me while I was helping a customer. And we'd hit the food court for lunch together every day that we worked at the same time. He easily charmed me beyond belief. He was mature beyond his years, and he thought about things other than Britney Spears and comic books. In fact, he'd be the first person to call me on it if I ever talked down to him like he was any less of an equal. I had to dettach myself completely from treating him like a kid, he hated that. And yet, he still had that boyish energy bubbling up inside of him that would occassionally remind me that he was only 14 years old. It was a wickedly mischevious combination at times, and all you could do was sit back and enjoy the show once he got going in a conversation. I was literally in awe of this boy, to the point where him being unbelievably gorgeous didn't even matter anymore. I could close my eyes, and his beauty would still cover me from head to toe through his presence alone. I loved every minute of our friendship, and it kept me smiling the whole work day and beyond.
We'd follow each other everywhere in the mall when we were there. Sometimes he was the little brother, and sometimes I was. He could get excited about things, and it transfered over to me in this rush that would keep me grinning happily. It seemed that Dustin just loved being close to me. He'd take on some of my little quirks and sayings like a little parrot and say them as if they had been a part of his naturally lovable personality all along. I found myself doing the same thing with his habits too. I had no intention of imitating some of his phrases or mimicing the way he'd occassionally tug at his earring...but I'd find myself doing it automatically without even knowing it. And I didn't even HAVE an earring! But I'd give my earlobe a tug or two when we were talking. He was the biggest part of my day, how could I not let some of that youthful exuberance wash over me?
The only hard thing to take was the fact that there were still short moments, peppered throughout our week, where he was still insanely beautiful to me. There would be mornings when he'd wear a certain pair of shorts or a shirt, and I'd go wild for him. Some days it didn't even take THAT much, it could just be the slightly different angle of his smile while telling a dirty joke, the slight haze in his voice early in the morning, or the way he'd brush the long side of his soft blond hair back, just a little bit slower than normal. He was just as gorgeous as he ever was, and now that I knew him a little better, realizing that he was just as beautiful on the inside, it only made him more of a godlike presence in my day. But the difference between what I felt now and what I felt when I first saw him was what surprised me most.
That sexual rush, that paralyzing infatuation that had taken such a strong hold on me before, had faded away an awful lot since we began talking. It wasn't gone, not by any means. I'd still go home and dream of the day when Dustin and I would be rolling around back and forth on my bed, naked as the day we were born and kissing as though there was no tomorrow. But as far as not even being able to look him in the eye when he was near...it was almost nonexistant most of the time. I couldn't be sure if that made what I felt for him weaker....or stronger. Beyond the friendship, that is. It was a weird feeling not even knowing my own intentions. I must admit, there were times when I'd make sure to avoid his eye contact, for fear that he'd figure them out before I did. But Dustin and I became a matching set in just over a month, and just being near him nowadays was enough of a fantasy to satisfy me.
One afternoon, while we were eating burgers for lunch in the food court, I listened to him talking about some folks from school going to the movies and him thinking that maybe he'd show up just to have something to do that weekend. He was so cute, sitting there with a small dash of mustard on the side of those pretty lips of his. It inspired a question that I had been wondering about for a while. "Dustin...can I ask you something?"
"Well, it's weird, but I was wondering...how come you never really talk about your friends all that much?"
"I thought I just did."
"No, you said 'some folks' were getting togther to see a movie, and you 'might' go to join them."
He wiped his mouth and said, "Yeah, well...it's sort of the same thing."
"Well, sure it is. But I mean, you never really make any mention of a Michael, or a David, or an Eddie, or anybody specific. It's always 'just a bunch of people' that you happen to hang around. I mean, don't you have like a best friend, or an arcade buddy, or something?" I asked.
"Nope. Why? Should I?" He smiled.
"Well.....yeah. I suppose so." I smiled back.
After a pause for him to take a sip of his drink, Dustin shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno...you know? A lot of those guys...they're just...not interesting to me."
"Really now? I find that hard to believe."
"No, seriously. They're all...in high school."
I thought he was joking at first. "Hehehe, excuse me for stating the obvious, but...YOU'RE in high school."
"EXACTLY!" He answered. "I mean...I 'know' high school. I've 'done' high school. It's all...'look at me', and take a test, and homework sucks, and lets drink beer in the park. It's so played out. I guess I just want to see something a little less sheltered, you know?"
"I'm afraid I don't get you on that one, kid." I said, standing up. "And it looks like you'll have to explain it to me later, because I was supposed to be back at work five minutes ago."
"So? I punched out five minutes before you did. You don't see me panicking."
"Who's panicking? I'm merely displaying a good work ethic. Which is exactly what you should be doing, young man." I leaned over and took his tray.
"Wait, wait..." He said, and reached out to grab the last few loose french fries on the tray. "Can't waste those."
"Whatever. Now march, before you get fired and I have to start swinging by your school just to see you again." I grinned.
"That wouldn't be so bad. At least I'd have a ride."
"A big creepy man driving up to a high school and taking a cute little blond boy home with him everyday after school? Somehow I think your teachers would frown on that." He snickered a little bit, and the sweetest shade of pink came to his cheeks. "What?" I asked.
"You said I was cute." He giggled. And yes, I did...I didn't mean to, but it slipped. Nothing too major about that though.
"It was just a figure of speech..."
"Noooo no! You said I was CUTE. A CUTE little blond boy. I heard you." He smiled as I did my best to deny it and let it go. "You love me don't you? Perv! Hehehe!"
With that, he started walking back to work with me walking right beside him. But something had turned cold inside, melting like rotted fruit, after hearing him say that. He was joking, just kidding around like he always did. I knew that. And yet, it had such a profound and hurtful meaning to me all of the sudden. Dustin began talking away as usual, and for the first time in a long time, I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to really pay attention. There it was, right there, like an iron spike in the back of my mind. The truth. I DID love him....didn't I? I had actually allowed myself to fall for this wonderful boy. Not just some sexy thoughts and a few chances to be close enough to touch him every now and then. Not just a few good times with a bottle of lotion and some friendly conversations over coffee. No...I had fallen in love. Actual LOVE. And nothing was EVER going to come of it. Not ever. I was in love with a teenage boy. My emotions had gotten involved and actually had me believing that this was...possible. And the worst part was, I had already fallen too fucking deep to let the painful feeling go. I was too far away from my senses now, beyond the point of no return. He had me....and he had no idea.
"I'll see ya tomorrow? Same time?" He said to me as he reached the part of the mall where we split. Just looking at him, everything came back. The fear, the confusion, the lust, the passion, the love, the depression, the self hate...what was I doing to myself here?
"Yeah..." I mumbled quietly. "Yeah...tomorrow." And with that, I watched as he waved at me and headed to the store across the hall. He was so...soooo incredible. In every way. And he had gained possession of a large chunk of my soul. Just with his wit, and his humor, and the way he made me feel like I held some kind of important status in his life. All my heart wanted to do was give that feeling back to him ten times over. To just get the chance to make him feel as good and as complete as I did when he was around. But I couldn't, could I? I had to hold back. It's my 'responsibility' to hold back....isn't it?
In the times to come, how am I ever going to ask him to give me my heart back? He had stolen it. And now I feel as though he's got two while I'm left with none. My only options are to either take back what he stole from me, or maybe get him to give me his. Somehow, neither one of those actions seem possible right now. Note to self...'Eric, you're screwed'.