No disclaimer... we will not be saved by it. You are reading what you want to read. I am writing what I feel I must. Enjoy.! Donate.!
My everlasting admiration and a dedication to:
Ganymede... Your words live on.!

This is not a short story... but then again it is.

***********************************************************************************************************

`You what--`
The air was thick- cut with a knife kind of thick.
I was simply speechless.
So were they it seemed- or maybe there was too much they wanted- no, needed to say.-!
`I think this needs a bit more explanation, would you not think so--`
Another pregnant pause..
`Well, ahmm- ` John got up to get another bottle of wine from the expensive wine cooler built into the large kitchen, we were sitting in.
The breakfast area, I assumed. A high table, fashionable these days it seemed, with comfortable bar-stool-height chairs around it.
Tonight it had been a nice place to sit- watching John make pizzas, chatting with Laura in that comfortable way one acquires after knowing someone for many years, having a glass of nice Italian red wine.
The kids running in and out from wherever they were playing in another part of the large, sprawling, side-split rancher which sat in an enclave of equally sprawling 5acre estates.
Country living refined.
Mature stands of pine and cedar, casual clumps of birch, grass and low shrubs.
Well maintained and interspersed with tufts of colour from flowers in graceful bedded arrangements.
Their house was the one with all the toys in the driveway.
With the exception of the next door neighbour, most people in this neighbourhood had made the move north of the city, into the gentrified rolling hills of this area after or close to retirement. After having met with success in whatever venture they had been involved with.
Multi-acre lots did not come cheap here, even if their house was one that needed some work.
` I can not deal with this one alone- WE can not deal with this alone` Laura corrected herself. She was rushing a bit, a little loud.
But ever the one speaking not only truth, but directly so, it seemed.
Her success had made this possible in some way.
His contribution was patience and perseverance.
They had to work at love- but somehow it pushed out past the first flush. Despite set-backs.
Despite a bit of a domineering personality in Laura.
John had found ground again, after some, more recent, floundering which never were explained, but hinted at in anger, by Laura.
Had to do with computers, his business- and porn.
I was not keen on discussing this- but there had been therapy.
For both of them.
In a pretty high-powered place.
Having been part of the social-service industry in the city a long time ago, I still had connections and friends, that had stayed on after the `changing of the guards` in the `80.
Expensive and residential- meaning, you lived there hotel-style, while in therapy- yes, intensive.!
High success rate at re-hab- but then, I was always skeptical at figures like that.
I used to make my figures pretend to be something they were not-: the truth.

`It is not going to go away-` Laura`s words were interrupted by John-` you don`t know that honey.!`
`We don`t know that.!`
`We do.!` Laura was getting agitated and loud again. `It never does.!`
She was no longer able to sit- finding something or the other to keep her on her feet in the kitchen. Nothing constructive, just moving around.
`Ok, - well, `I was trying to sort through my own thoughts as I was speaking: `you just told me, yes-`Laura was looking distraught, but wanted to object..` you TOLD me, to take your son with me to the mountains- in a foreign country.-`
` Ahmmm-` John could not get the words out, but was kneading the pizza dough harder..
`I think we need to start again, on this one-` I was in damage control mode.
Was taking an older, almost parental tone.
But what else-- Scared maybe..- YES- definitely scared.!
I was 20 years older than they were- was --.. I breathed out--.. 50 years older than him.!
HIM- was an 11 year old boy, who was rushing into the kitchen now.

`Dad..!` Kyle`s voice had that demanding sing-song lilt down to an art-` there is no more pizza.!`
`That is because you guy`s` meaning his younger sister and him `ate an entire pizza already.!`
John was smiling behind his reprimand-` you guy`s had the first one too.! Now you have to wait in line.!`
` Daaad.!` Kyle was pushing himself against his dad`s hip- I was watching--- so was his mother.!
` No -go away and don`t come back for at least 15 min-.!`
Laura shot me a glance. I did not want to be able to read it-.. but I did.
Suddenly I knew what this was about.!
War.!
The person she felt- no, knew she was about to lose---.. was her husband.!

I reached for the long-stemmed, large glass of red wine.
Not sure that it was alcohol I needed- but it would do for now.!
I got it- I did.
This was a battle-field I had walked into- and there were going to be casualties- of one sort or the other.
Ohhh- dinner with friends, always a pleasure.!

Kyle seemed to be listening in on our thoughts- or at least it seemed like his ears were rotating and honing in on every one of the adults in the room.
`What are you guys talking about.-`
He eyed his mother suspiciously.
`I am not a GUY`-she said pointedly.!
His eyes widened and squinted at the same time. Trying to make sense of what his mother said-
`Hey Kyle`- I needed to break this up for now- I was not ready for THAT kind of confrontation-: `I hear you have gotten kinda` good on the ice..-!`
He gazed up- his mind replaying that afternoon`s game-. `yeah, I scored again too-Unc-
Alan.!`
He smiled.!
I had told him and his sister that I was not really an `Uncle`, but more a `friend` so PLEASE could they just call me `Alan`- which was my given name.
He drew his hand across his forehead, where long blond hair was hanging deep down into his face, covering those blue eyes, which now came to rest on me.
He was a beautiful boy-no doubt.!
Slim -hipped, but not lacking in body-mass from hockey and soccer, I guessed.
I do not know what 11 year olds are supposed to look like-. Well, I have given up knowing it, years ago.
But he had my eyes- blue like a birds egg.
And he was smiling up at me, from where he was standing now- close to my chair.
Old grey sweatpants and a `Gap` sweat-top- in periwinkle blue- I know this colour, only from people telling me that it matches my eyes- and yes.
It matched his too.

Laura was watching us- I knew it, without looking.
`You know Kyle, he was one of the first people to see you- after you were born and given to us-` Her voice had lost the hard edge, which was there just a few minutes ago.
Kyle was adopted.
Very much wanted.!
Laura was not able to conceive, when she finally succumbed to the fact that all her girl-friends had a little one to show off--! Being successful in business, having a handsome man for a husband, a beautiful big old house in a nice part of town- well it still meant incompleteness I guess.
So many procedures and much money was dedicated to this little on- Kyle.!
Adopted from new-born stage- yes I was at the hospital a few days after his birth for a `viewing` with his new grandmother, Laura`s mother, who did not drive herself.
She was going to embarrass him like every mother I have ever known-` I think one of your first erections was on his dining-room table, changing you, when we came for dinner one night.!`
Kyle was horrified and instinctively grabbed his crotch, looking at me dumbfounded.
` you were so cute`- he groaned and fled at this point- naked small feet padding down the hall. A vanishing little grey bum down the stairs to the rec-roonm.
`hahaha- he is so shy sometimes-` Laura laughing hard-` and other times-.` Her face dropped again. Sulking, serious- sad.!
` Honey, you know it embarrasses him` John was shoving another pizza into the oven.
- well he was-..is.!` Cute.!` Laura giggled to herself.
`What makes the world such a hard place to be for someone like him..-` she was rolling on- looking at me, but also not focusing on anyone in particular.
`Like him--` I was unsure I did want to go there- but I guess I was not going to get out of this, unless I chose to leave right now- and that would dent our friendship in a serious way, I ventured.
John was rolling the cutter though our pizza- too much vegetable for them on my third- too much meat on theirs for my taste.
Plates, glasses re-filled- bites of delicious home-made pizza- John`s ancestry showed again.!
`hmmm- this is good food, my friends` I gushed` and good company as always-- although,` I hesitated` someone needs to start filling me in as to what this is all about.!`
John looked at Laura in the hesitant sideways glance he sometimes had.
Laura was the one making most decisions that mattered- it always had seemed that way.
That is what made her a great assistant to me, when I still owned the company.
Now she was the boss- and that showed here as well..:
`he is gay.` I gulped more wine. John blinked and looked away.` Well, he is, isn`t he.-` Laura was both aggressive and defensive at the same time.
`Or at least, he likes it.!`
`They like it, because they are boys-experimenting..` John was deliberate and somehow sad it seemed.
`That is NOT what I was talking about, John.!` Laura was out of the gate and galloping-` he sucked the coach off and not just one time.!`
I was chewing little bites with no hunger.
She looked at me- and I saw the pleading, the sorrow, the pain there.
` the things he is doing with David is from that.!`
David was the next door boy, Kyle`s playmate since age 5.! I would have wondered, if they did not `experiment` some in the ways boys have done since the world began. They seemed to live `in each other`s pockets` as it were.
Funny- it was the weekend- and David did not seem to be around. Every other time I had been out here on a weekend- David was here, or Kyle was not around, because they were raising hell at David`s house next door.

` he is - well he did-` Laura`s composure was faltering: ` I think it is clear to us, John, that he was the one that accepted eagerly.!`
There was an accusatory stare at John. He sighed.
` Well, would you please start from the beginning guys-` I was getting seriously anxious and impatient.
Well- maybe I had not been as insistent, had I known the outcome of this.!

Kyle was a boy of average height and weight. Playing hockey was in his mind as much as in his body. He was a fighter, as pusher and a good skater.!
He was athletic on a basis of being a compact bolt of energy with intent on doing damage to the opponents lines.
Fearless-- I wonder. Something driving him, sure.!
He was pretty engaged, I knew that.
So- it turns out this-engagement spread to one of the coaches. One of the team`s boy`s father- who did not have the will-power to resist a sweaty, exuberant boy, peeling off a hockey outfit.-
Help was offered- the dressing room emptying.
An 11 year old, happy boy, well built and shiny from sweat- smelling all boy and dressed in a jock-strap is hard to resist, I guess--.. well, I know.!
So hands go, where they should not- excitement is shared.!
And the boy---. Kyle, responded in a way the coach had not expected.
Reaching for the man`s crotch.!
Smiling and pulling dicks- sucking.!
`he was the one going after what he wanted- and you know that John.!` Laura was spitting out the words. This was not going to be pretty, despite the beauty of the boy in question.!
John sighed. Looking down into his glass of wine.
`he did this to me almost a year ago, Alan-` John was almost whispering.
`I did not go there with him, but it was clear he wanted to go more and do more- and did not want to stop..` John was not able to look into my eyes any longer.
` and he got David involved as well` Laura was steaming` he got David to ride down to the `coaches` house and do things with the man there- !
He went there again and again, we now know-` Laura sighed, somewhat deflated but angry.
-the coach- well he is no longer around-.moved away weeks ago, before we found out all this dreadful business. And David`s parents have shipped him off to relatives on the other side of the country.`
`So, ` I was careful to speak softly and calm ` you want me to do what..- Take Kyle on a vacation trip.- Go places and see things..- Take him away from here and have a good time..-
A 60 year old man and an 11 year old boy..-`
Laura was silent but pensive, John looking around for things to do in the kitchen-
`or, ` I was shivering a little inside` am I re-paying the debt I seem to have incurred some years ago, when you stood by me. When the thing with Jason happened-or didn`t happen, as it were.-`

Laura looked up. Tight lips. John not far behind.
` I know` I was speaking slowly, deliberately` you were kind, no matter what happened, because that rarely matters in regards to things like that, when it concerns a man and a boy. You were my friends- even after. Even when my ex-wife made more accusations.`
`I get it, I know my obligations-` I sighed.
Laura was looking away, not able to meet my eyes. John was washing some dishes.
`But what is it you are asking me for.-` I got my breath back .`what is it you want me for.-`
` you want me to be the one he sucks off.- Or me suck him off.- Make him gay or make him straight.- Fuck his cute bum and make him behave.- -- Go to jail.-`
I had been hard- fast and cutting.
Laura was wincing-John was somewhere else in his mind.
Despite the hard business approach, there was the young woman I had made friends with a long time ago.
` You obviously have decided who I am- what I am- so please tell me.-`
John had come back to the table- sitting with his head in his hands.
Laura- finally looking at me again.
I was feeling like I was losing a lot of things tonight- maybe even my friendship with these folks. I had been hard in my words- but what was I going to do.-
This was not something that had been part of our life lately.
I had ignored -. almost- the kids. Had helped out in business. Had had dinner with them.
Had been friends in a not too close way, closer with Laura because of business.
Had watched Kyle grow up from that dining-room table baby with a good size erection and big baby balls to a boisterous boy of 11. Blond long hair.., brown skin in the summer-too much of it, and an easy smile that made people like him.
Bubbly, like his butt- yeah, I know I was not going to notice those things any longer- well, The gods are not that forgiving.!
And now-

` he needs-` Laura was breathing in sharply` well, how old was Matt.-`
`Hmmm- you mean the boy, when I was doing Social Services.-` I was hedging-.
` No- I mean the boy you were in love with.!` She shot back-..looking hard at me. ` Do you think I did not see it.!`
` You did not know him then, Laura, and you do not know a thing about anything private regarding Matt and me.` I said this in an even professional tone.
` Well,- maybe I was just a little jealous` she breathed out` you and Matt had something--. I guess you still have-. That nobody can take away it seems.!`
` Oh yes, Laura, they can take it away-. By thinking it is something dirty and horrid. Something that somehow threatens the new world order.!
Like I said- what do you want from me.-`

I wanted out-. Leave.
Go away and lick my wounds.
Had I not paid enough for this dinner.-
What did they want from me.-

What did Kyle need- from me or anybody.-

`I think it is time you tell me, if you think that I am a pervert.-` I was unkind, I knew-but it needed to be out.
`I think that you could be someone that Kyle can, ahmmmm- learn from-` Laura was quick with an answer.
`Learn what, Laura`..- How to be what..- You need to be clearer.`
She sighed-`Ok, ok... yes, I guess I believed all the stuff. But you know I never judged you.!`
`Thank you for being honest, Laura-` I was sad, of course. But not disappointed.
These people had been around for a long time. I was sitting at their table tonight.! They were bringing me into a big problem of theirs- maybe I needed to be more gracious.
` You are, have been good to me- and yes, more so to Matt- and despite all your ex says about you now, good to her as well. Too good sometimes. I wish you would have had the guts to share some of your life with me sometimes-. Well, maybe not- Maybe it is ok to leave it as it is.!`
Laura was musing to herself.` Although, something happened that time in Romania- I wish I had met the boy that had that effect on you.!`
She was intense and direct.
`and yes, I know it was a boy--.. of course I do not, but I know.! I am a woman, after all, Alan.!` She chuckled.
` I know, Alan, that I will not be able to give Kyle what he wants-needs, is searching for-..` John`s voice betrayed him, but still. He knew he had made a choice.
Kyle would be a diversion- from the life he had, but not more.
And for me..-
A diversion from the life I had.-
The hermitage I held.-
The giving up of the world that I desired so much.-

Did they really know what they were asking of me..-
` I have given up all that, Laura- John.- I was whispering across the table with cold pizza slices.
` I can not- ` Laura leaned across, taking my hand in hers
` You can. You always could. You will be able to. Because you can not escape the need of someone else. Man, woman-. Or child. You have always done silly things because of this.
It is why I love you..!`
She was not gratuitous. I knew.
Need is something I respond to- in others. I like a little need in myself. Yeah, I know. A little pain is alright-.or how that song goes.
` what do you want from me..-`

`Love him a little-` she hesitated `in a way we`- she looked at John ` can not.!
I know he is very alone right now. What you saw of him tonight is a little play. He cries a night in his bedroom. He misses David very much and he knows it has to do with him, that he is not here any longer. With what he did with him and -that man.! He is very confused right now-`her voice trailed off: `like I am too.!-

The kids raced in for more pizza slices- disappearing back down to their movie.
We sat around the table not too talkative- all three of us caught in our own thoughts.
We did the remaining dishes by hand- despite the fancy dishwasher.
Needed to share some chore in a way of making us a team in accomplishing something, let it be dishes tonight.
I stood in the back entrance- leading out to the garage.
My car was parked close to that side of the house.
John was shaking my hand tentatively-then pulling me into a tentative hug. I squeezed him back.
He seemed sad, but happy at the same time. Talking of work and the weekend coming, with his Scouts.
The little girl had fallen asleep in front of the TV- John had carried her up to bed.

So after a long hug from Laura and a whispered ` sorry for all this!`
`But I really need you, with this mess-.!`

- here I was fumbling with my keys for the car.
And a little wildcat landed on my back.!
Kyle, of course.
Not wanting to go to bed. Not wanting to be left out in saying `good-bye`-
Was jumping on me from the steps of the house.
`Oh no- a lion, he is going to bite me`- I laughed in mock-fright.!
Kyle biting me in the neck for effect-
And me slinging him around to stand him in front of me.

Eyes sparkling he gushed his farewell- I held him in a hug.
Testing a little, I guess.
And right on cue- Kyle wasn`t pushing out- away from me- but into my embrace.
Mashing his little body into mine.
-then running away to the door- waving.!

What now.-!

Definitely time to get home to bed- no more thinking about -.. boys, did I say that-- Tonight.-!
I had left all that behind me years ago- didn`t I.-!

*

-2-

We had arranged for me to go up to their house again for dinner-whatever, the next weekend.
A few days away only-

Driving back that night, I could not help but replay again and again what we had talked about.
Fluttering back towards the light of the big city like a moth- I was less and less sure, I understood anything about it all.
Oh, I understood ok, that I was to do something.
Mainly save the tenuous relationship between Laura and John.
For reasons I did not want to think about, Laura had made her choice in favour of John.
Ok.
Where does that leave the chosen child- Kyle.-
For that matter- what was it about John that was needing this drastic move.-
No father-son talk and agreement possible.-
No `we will get through this together`--

I stopped at an all night donut shop.
Not needing any more buzz from coffee or sweets- I had a double-double and an apple-fritter.!
Yeah- ok-so I was a bit raw.!
Jason, damn- life has a way of extracting it`s toll for keeping on going.!
Jason- that was a long time ago.!
And I could still feel his breath in my face- smelling of the BBQ-ribs we had had that night, in recognition of his hard work, bailing cardboard in the warehouse.
Yes, he was making pocket-money, but it became clear, very quickly, that he also liked the fact that he was spending time alone with me.
His father`s friend.
Someone he had known all his life- who tuned out to be a pretty interesting `old guy`.
With a car that was a bit too fast, movies that were a bit too mature and listening to a 12 year old in a way that he was not used to.!
A cool apartment in an old warehouse and the time to spend with a boy.
All leading to a weekend of work- and staying over- Yeah.!
Yeah indeed.!
Dark-haired sultry beauty with strong little body for an almost 13 year old.
Not a teenager yet, but wanting to-
Well, he did not really know what he wanted. Just knew that things were going on with him, that he did not really understand- even though he liked them.
I know because he told me- that night in bed. After prancing around in tight underpants, getting ready to share the bed with me. He did not mind- on the contrary, he was more than a little excited to chat and play and- be in my arm, by my side.
Hot body, hardly able to breathe when talking about- well that part of him that was pressing ever so hard into my thigh.!
I did not invite him to- or had I.-
That `grooming` people talk about, that made this whole thing so dirty.-
Well- I liked him well enough- ok, ok, he had graced a few dreams of lascivious desire in me.
I had tossed one off- ok, ok..maybe a few, over the years, thinking of his tight body and butt.!
Never thinking that on that night he would take my hand and put it on top of his very hard little dick- ahmm, not so little- ok.
He was a growing boy.! There must have been a solid 4 inches suddenly in my hand, with a moaning Jason pressing himself closer.
`It get`s so hard sometimes-`
I can relate boy, I can.!
He was humping into my hand, which was still holding him through his underwear.
` I want you to-. Ahhhmmm can you-. Will you--`
I was pushing my hand under the waistband of his underwear.
He buried his head in my neck.
Hissing..; `Yes-YES.!`
His shivering was turning into shaking- when my hand closed around his hard cock.
I held him in my fist. Having pushed his underwear down to his knees.
My other hand stroking his back, while he was blubbering into my neck- little words: `love this- make it go away-do it.! Make me -do it- make- love you.!` He was jerking in my hand while my thumb was stroking the head of his cock- easy to do with a circumcised boy.!
Jason was shaking and humping my hand at the same time- I really wanted to give him more than this, but with frenzied thrusts, he suddenly moaned and squeezed me tight, shooting small jets of clear juice over my hand and his belly.
He was wheezing- clutching at me and I held him close. Wanted to kiss him, but knew that we were nowhere near that place. This was all about him- and that was ok.
His breathing was calming and he rolled a little out of my shoulder- holding my hand over his chest.
Back to me- he was silent, breathing softly.
`I liked it a lot..didn`t I.-`
-yes, Jason, you are a real boy.!` Knowing how fragile boys egos are- I was playing it safe.
`I liked- like, your - hand- doing ---. It.!-` He was quite.
-is that a question or an answer, Jason..-`
His back was a lovely brown from the summer- I stroked down over his neck and shoulder blades- down to his bum. He had kicked his underwear further down, off his legs.
He had a great bum- what do they call it- bubble butt-- Well he had one.! Tight, round, mounds of soft flesh that I was massaging now.
He had turned on to his belly- looking at me sideways from his folded arms.
`What if- -..`
He swallowed the rest of his question.
`What if you-.-....What.- Jason.-` I was softly caressing his legs and the soft inside of his thighs. His legs moved apart slowly-slightly.
He looked away.
His leg pressing against mine- not moving.
` I liked it.!` He murmured.
`Of course, Jason- we all like it, when we get to feel this.!`
`No- ` he was swallowing hard` I like it when YOU did it.!`
-as supposed to yourself.-`
`Yeah`- he breathed out-`it was better- way better.!`

-Can you do it again--`
He turned over onto his back-
`please.-!`
Mea culpa.!
Mea maxima culpa.!

4 inches of hard boyhood was staring me in the face, below a tentative smiling boy`s face.
Taught belly, brown from playing in the summer sun- sometimes even with his father and I as well as a cousin of similar age on camping trips `for the boys`.!


Jason`s body was not that unfamiliar to me.
His desire-maybe, but then again- I remember that night, one camping weekend not so long ago, where we had gone down to the lake next to the campground- his father, Jason and myself. Cousin not part of this excursion.
All this prompted by my laughing invitation to go swimming naked- in the moon-light.
As it was full moon.
So we traipsed down to the water`s edge -only a short distance from our tent- and giggled as we dropped out shorts.
Jason last. Looking at his father and I.!
Watching like any other boy would, when 2 men drop it all and flaunt their nakedness.
Then quickly dropping his shorts as well and hiding a stiffy behind his hand walking into the water.
I handed him his fins, already slipping mine on-and his father the flashlight, knowing he was not going to come in with us. He was the lighthouse we were going to come back to.!
Jason quickly made for darker water, kicking his fins.
I wondered if he was afraid.
Here in the BIG NORTH, in a lake- just a few fires on the far side-
And stroked out to reach him.
He was on his back-looking up into the star-filled night-sky.
` this is soooo beauty- cool.!` He whispered.
I laughed a little too loud for him- but grabed him and pulled him onto my front.
Fins moving- keeping us drifting backwards into the dark part of the lake, he relaxed in my arms against my front- pushing his butt against my dick.
`Like it, Jason- night swimming.-`
`Yeah-` he breathed- as we were enjoying this- warmth of the night water and the closeness.
I slipped my hands around him- not really targeting his dick, but there it was- stiff as all hell and pointing skywards in the water.
-ok- Jason--`
`Yeah..` one word night I guess- my fingers closing around his dick- pulling him closer on to my front. He had to feel my cock pushing into his back--.. but he did not make any move to leave.
We floated under the stars- smoke from distant fires- a few twinkles of light.
My hand around him-him relaxed against me- until it was time to push to shore, where the
Flashlight was blinking and his dad waiting.

..just like now- my hand around him again.
Pulling him the short inches of the long desire to the final ecstasy.
He panted and moaned- doing it again after only a short rest was a monument to boyhood- I chuckled as he heaved and spurted another small jet of delight over my hand.
He had gone the distance with me.
Moaning at me with - Like, love and lust.
Now he was breathing hard and looking for cover- almost crying from bliss and fright.
Holding on- like in the water that night, not so long ago.
I folded him into my arms- accepting that he would drool all over me in his dreams.
Even being too hot- but so much a boy.!

We did it again in the shower the next day, before I dropped him off at home.
But never after.

10 years later-actually more, Jason told the family therapist, - mum was going off the deep end and taking the family along for the ride,- the reason he could not satisfy his girl-friend at the time, was me having touched his dick.!
Yeah- right.

In my small circle of friends and in this case business as well- his father told everyone that wanted to listen that I was a pervert- except-.. NOT the police.!
Hey, I am glad.!
NO misunderstanding there. But why not.-
Because Jason was just like himself-- A little too eager for the admiration and attention of males-..ahmmmm MEN.!
Jason, where-ever you are, I hope you have come to like yourself in the way you are- whatever that is.!

My coffee was long finished and that apple fritter did not sit so well in my stomach-but then again, what did, tonight.-!
This was not about Jason.
Definitely time to get home to bed- no more thinking about boys, -.. did I say that-- Tonight.-!
I had left all that behind me years ago- didn`t I.-!

*
-3-

Only a few weeks to go before I was going back to the hills.
I was in happy organizing mood. At least during the days. Less so at night, after having spent some time with friends or alone, sorting through things that needed to be done before the hop across the pond, I came back to myself.
Well, I allowed myself to come back and stare into that mirror we all have inside of us.
The one that shows us our true face and the things we need/want to see, even if they hurt.
The one, where we talk to ourselves about the important things- our feelings.
And I could not get around that.
Confronted by myself and that,- that request.
My problem has always been that I was unable to forget.
So the nights were treks through times long gone, places and people- faces, situations intense and frightening at times- vibrant and lush at others.
Yeah- lustful times and hurtful times- how close we live to the edge of our feelings at times.!
How they push and pull us from one ecstatic disaster to another sometimes--. And give us the languid bliss of living in a cocoon of happiness, despite the harsh world outside.
How they make us forget the realities of the day to only seek the sweetest torment of the nights.
Phuh- I was exhausted every morning, from too much sleep that did not bring rest.
Dreams and visions of all the stupid, beautiful mistakes. Of all the long darkness waiting for the light- that usually was the smiling face of one boy or the other, that had turned the wheel of my life in one direction or another.
I did not want to wander all those streets again.
See all those faces and things again.
Feel all the torment and ecstasy again- but was unable to shake myself lose from it.
And yes, damn it-I did not want to cry any more.!
I had finally found a perch to rest on- a shelf to put the pictures on, not needing to - not wanting to - not, oh what the hell.!
I could not stop the tears.
The casual cruelty of what was put out to me over pizza was something that my friends had no idea about. Pushing me off my ledge, I was free-falling into myself.

Yes, of course- YES.!
What do you expect.! They knew that I was going to do what they asked of me.
YES,- damn it. I was angry.
Really angry.
This is not what is supposed to happen now.! All was done to smooth the edges in my life, to roll the stones nice and round. To wander softly through the world, leaving no ripple.
THAT was, what was supposed to happen.
An 11 year old boy can not breathe without creating a ripple, is brother to the wind that fells trees and to the crashing waves.
Inside of me- as well.!
I can not do this-.!

Getting out of the car in the driveway, still littered with bicycles and toys, I could hear Kyle`s high pitched shouts. The kids were in the swimming-pool.
Well it was warm- a very warm spring melting into early summer and the pool was heated of course. I smiled, thinking of the cold mountain stream down from my village.
It was Friday afternoon.
I had come, red wine bottle in hand, at the time I was asked to.
But not willingly.
What I had wanted to do, was to run away.
Get into the car and drive north, east or west- it would not matter. Just a long way from here.
Call from somewhere beside the hiway, a thousand miles away and tell them I was not coming for dinner- or to pick up Kyle and take him away with me.
Because it was insane.
Insane.

That was Thrusday night.
Now it was Friday afternoon and I was making my way over to the gate that closed off the back-yard and the pool-area.
Insane. Well, they knew my insanity.
They knew if they needed insanity for something like this, I was the one.
Why..-!
Because insanity has always been close to the surface with me. I guess- and all it takes is the sound of a boy`s voice somewhere around me. The sight of a boy.! Not even close-up.
Not even pretty.
I am a crazy coot, I guess, when it comes to boys.
No-not in the way some of my wayward brothers are. I tend to be still part of society in some way. Strange places, strange societies- but nevertheless.
And no- I do not become a little boy. Am not looking for a playmate for my inner-child.
I am a man.
I am man that desires boys.
Yes, sexually.
Yes, that is right- I am the devil incarnate. The most vilified hu-man being since the witch-hunts or the inquisition. I am a pederast.
No- not boy-lover or pedophile-although the differences are lost on most folks.
No matter.
I am the monster.
An old dragon- but nevertheless a monster.

And what do we need monsters for- yes, you got it.!
To scare little boys straight.!
To make them fear the difference in men.
To make them good little husbands, providing ever so happily for `Yes Dear`.!
Especially when they were a bit- `off`.

So, I think I got it.
This was my mission- and if I chose to accept it- well, no mission impossible I guess.
I had enough dragon left in me.


`Ahrrrgggrr` making my best monster noise I cannon-balled into the water behind Kyle, who was shrieking already, trying to get away from the deluge.
Didn`t work so well, he was still temporarily submerged by the waves as he struggled to the other side of the pool. Half from laughing so hard at the strange sight of an old, somewhat heavier than normal, man jumping into the water, I was sure.
Changing into my swim-shorts in the wet-room at the garden-side of the house, after greetings to John, who was cleaning the BBQ and Laura, who was catching a few rays in a sun-lounge at the far end of the pool, keeping an eye on Kyle`s sister playing in the shallow end.
Kyle had been dispatched to get a towel for me from some cupboard in the house and had stood in that small room, encouraging me to get on with changing, so I could play with him.
Actually, maybe I was not really going to do that, but park myself in the empty sun-lounge next to Laura- yeah, right.
I guess that was not to be.
He had just stayed with me, as I was dropping my clothes, holding the towel he had fetched.
All 4 foot something of wet, shiny, early-summer-brown-skinned boy. Tousled long blond strands of hair falling every which way around his face, where blue eyes never left me- following the dropping clothes and flowing over my increasingly naked body.
I could have sent him out- but this was a time as good as any other for him not only to see me- but for me to see, what he would do with this situation.
I also had not turned away from him, but faced him.
Yes, this was the old, moments stretching into minutes thing again- I was aware of time slowing down a little. Kyle was clutching the towel, squeezing it unconsciously in his small hands. Breathing little shallow breaths, his eyes were locked on to my cock.
I was that monster all right.
Watching him.
He was not unlike other boys that I had met. Boys will always need to compare themselves to men- will look with hesitation of even fright at what they will become as well, but are not yet. Some boys stare boldly, some avert their eyes quickly.
But they all look- and look he did.
Kyle was lifting himself on to his toes- I was sure he did not realize he did- then dropping down into a half-turn of hip. Little tongue slipping quickly across his lips, while he offered me a view of his hip and butt, squeezing his bum-cheeks and pressing the thing that was making a bulge in his tight swimsuit more into the fabric covering it- looking for some friction that was not going to help much, my guess.
His eyes flickered up to mine and then down again-
I know he just wanted to- escape now.
But I was between him and the outside door. The room small. The air becoming heavy- hotter somehow.
I was not going to let him get out of this so easy. There was a monster inside of me.
And I was standing in a little room, naked, with an almost naked boy, who was slightly blushing, but not from embarrassment I could sense. More from excitement.
`Ok-out you get, shrimp` I smiled at him,` I need to pee and you need to get back in the pool, before I this old dragon is going to eat you.!`
With me standing between him and the door to the outside, he would need to squeeze by me, to get away. Darting eyes measured the distance, he knew it was going to be close- his body and mine. Dancing forward on his toes still- he closed in, then quickly glancing up at me, he threw the towel at me and made a break for it. Little jumps more than steps, he brushed past me, - me having to catch the towel- and playfully slapped my cock as he darted out the door, laughing and running- leaving the door wide open.!
Ok, kiddo- a few points for you, I thought.
Not bad, not bad- thinks on his feet and still gets to do what he wants- The cedars seemed to agree as they gently swayed behind that open door.

`give him a break kids` Laura`s admonishment was a welcome reprieve from having dragged Kyle around the water, given sister rides on my back in the shallow end. Diving off the short board at the deep end and chasing Kyle, when again and again he would come up from somewhere, grabbing my arm, my leg or my belly, full of giggles, wanting me to chase and catch him so much, he was panting now, laying on the sun-lounge.
`thank you for saving me from certain death, Laura..` I laughed-` these little beasts were going to kill me, especially that vicious little animal over there` pointing to Kyle` who is now hogging my space on the lounge.!`
` just kick him off, Alan.! Laura was musing` or sit on him, if he does not move.`
- I am going inside to start with the some of the dinner stuff- we`ll eat in an hour or so- and hey, Kyle-no more swimming. Enough for today.`
The afternoon sun was warm and even though it was getting later in the day, it was already drying the water off my skin.
I laid down on the lounge Laura had vacated.
The little girl had hurried after mother across the big deck into the house.
` hey, you were supposed to sit here` Kyle sounded disappointed.
`well you not only are taking all the space, you even have my towel.!` I was watching him.
`You can come and get it-` he chuckled.
`No-. I think you should bring it to me. And-` I made a deliberate pause-` you can always sit with me if you want.!`
Kyle blinked and looked at me from under those strains of blonde hair. Lips starting to press against each other, little tongue flitting nervously through them at times.
Smart boy, I thought, he is thinking what the cost will be for this.
Kyle was twitching underneath the towel.
If he gets up and walks over, you know you have lost- I thought.
I could see him working this one out- and he did.!
A sudden growl and a wet boy landed on me.
I smirked- while he growled and pretended to be a `beast`- clever boy. Again, he got what he wanted, without giving himself away.!
And proceeded to tickle him into hysterics.
Until I had to let him up so he could run to the wet-room toilet, pinching his dick all the way in order not to loose it. He never returned.

Hmmm- where was this going then.-

Fashionable rod-iron out-door dining set with marquee fabric cushions.
Ho w very House&Garden.!
The stainless steel BBQ, easily fitted the half dozen hamburgers, ribs, hot-dogs all at once.!
It seemed to be as large as the entire kitchen in my hovel in the hills.
The huge double-door Sub-Zero fridge had disgorged sauces, condiments and salads.
I was almost intimidated by the variety.
This rustic opulence was still a bit much for me to take in.
And in addition, there was going to be `talk`.
The kids looked with un-tainted suspicion towards my plate with grilled vegetables, my backed potato and salad.
`No hamburger-`- Kyle could not hold back- while inhaling his 3 rd one- ok, they were not sooo large, but still.!
`Dad makes them really nice..!` He was smacking his lips. His sister was silently nodding.
Laura was laughing- meat was part of her South-American heritage.
LOTS of meat.!
`Hmmm, I think I have had a lot of hamburgers already in my life- and seeing that this is your FOURTH one, Kyle- I thought I leave something for you to eat.!` I smiled at him from across the table. Ketchup in the corners of his mouth, deftly chewing, he was the All-American boy-just his hair was too long.

` so,- ` the kids had left for the video room in the basement, ` where are we going with this.-`
It was somehow up to me to get the question on the table I guess.
Evening slowly draining the colours from the sky- except for the pinks and oranges that promised another fine day tomorrow- we did have to get to this- somehow.
` The summer holidays will not start until 4 weeks from now and even then- ` Laura paused looking into the woods behind the play-fort:` I am not sure what to do then.!`
John was quiet.
Pensive.
Quiet.
`So you want me to take him away with me for those 4 weeks- then send him back.-`
I was not sure what tone to use really- but somehow it was a bit of a business negotiation.
`We are thinking of sending him to camp.` John was speaking in a curiously flat voice.
`Yes-WE ARE sending him to camp.!` Laura added.
-I think David`s parents know that this is all something that can happen, but should not really break the boys apart-. Except--` the pause was long and deliberate:` they sure are wondering if Kyle will be doing more of those-.` She swallowed hard:` gay things with David again-!-`
`Are you so sure that David was not just as active in all this--- I could not hold that back.!
What a crock of shit.! Boys will indeed be boys. This is the way they have been from the time this world started- despite all efforts from many to make them different.
`I do not think that Kyle was the only one interested.!` I spit out.
John was still pensive.
Still silent.
`Well, I agree,` Laura mused- `it takes 2 to Tango.! Doesn`t it.-`
Her smirking at me was uncomfortable- but then, so was all of this.
` I think that it will all be much more `normal` if it can be ever again, when the summer is over.`
John slowly, deliberately got up and went to the grill, shutting things down.
He was not going to have any more to do with this- because..- He was hurting too much.-
For himself.- For Kyle.-
For what he could not do himself.-
For what they had to call in a monster.-

This was all so fucked up- you could not make this up, if you wanted to.!
Three people- adults, mother, father- ok, not biologically, but in all other ways- and dragon sit around the dinner table, discussing how the dragon was to devour their child.!
I shuddered inside.
But I could also sense the desperation in them.
Not feeling they had any other choice, but to sell their first-born to the devil.!
Only hoping that it would bring them back an angel.!
I have met some devils in my life--.. it does not work like that, trust me.!
You get back flesh, living, yes-. But life-less.! There will be no soul left of your blond angel if you hand him to the devil.
And what was I-- NOT the devil incarnate.-
YES-I mean NO.
I mean- yes-and-no.!

` So I take Kyle on a holiday far away. It will be not so easy, not so exciting at times. He will be away from you for some time. He will feel punished. He will feel that he has been abandoned to someone he does not really know that well. He will feel very alone.! And VERY scared.!` I was going to say more- but Laura butted in:
`that is why it has to be you.! I could not do this with anybody else, don`t you know, Alan.-! It is hard for me-. US as well. But if he stays here- more questions, more bad feeling, more looks and whispers will surely happen.`
`Is that it, Laura--` I was serious: `the shame you feel.-`
`I -` she hesitated a bit too long:` do not feel THAT shame, Alan- but Kyle is feeling it. By the way people around us are reacting. Somehow, he is less the victim, but more the accused.!` She was getting angry-: ` these people here- this guy was one of theirs. Not one of the NEW people. Meaning us, the people that came here, with money and such. He was your ordinary Joe, so people thought. And then some rich little brat tells on him--. By the way that was David.! Kyle NEVER said anything. Still has not-..` her voice trailed off, while she was looking into the darkness behind the trees.
I could sense the tears-even if I could not see them.

` so I take him away with me- if he agrees- and we wander around the hills and the cities. He sees a few interesting things and spends time in my bed.`-. I let that last part sink in a bit:` you know that if there is any interest and I would be surprised if there is not- he is a healthy boy, there will be some sex.!` I had backed down to that even professional tone again.
John sighed-
Laura looked into my eyes and said what I would have expected her to say:` Please do not hurt him-` she was crying now.
` Hurt him, Laura- I could not do that.` I was losing it a bit to the emotions inside of myself.
`Nothing will happen, that he does not want- but sometimes we all want to hurt some-don`t we.-` I stopped- looking at Laura and then at John- who quickly looked away.
` I will hurt from this much longer than him- believe me. If I see it correctly, even if there is some `fumbling in the dark`, it will be only something exciting and different, not lasting or important..`

YES, damn it, I lied.
But what do you want from me- they did not, could not, would not - want to hear the truth.
Nobody really wants to- we all prefer dreams.!
`Making love is making love- even if the person we are making love with is hurting us sometimes, Laura` I knew that she got the message I was sending- her previous boyfriend, prior to John had been one that had dished out some hurt. Ok, a long time ago- but I was there. For her.
` I hope there will be no love involved-` I let it trail off.

`Is there more Hamburgers..-` Kyle was suddenly standing there. I wondered if he had been hiding somewhere close.
Still in his shorts and t-shirt that he had pulled on for dinner, he was illuminated from behind by the kitchen lights- and his blond mane was like a little halo of gold around him.

Ahmmm- yes, let there be NO love happening here, PLEASE.!

*
-4-

Insanity.
That is what it comes down to.
But that is also very close to love- it is what love makes us, insane- at one stage.!
Ok, maybe-
But not here, not now-
Not-

Insanity , and still, I followed it along in a slow, but predictable way.
John had gone to take the little girl up to bed. Laura had switched on the hot-tub- yes, of course they had one, on the side of the deck- in fact, a little deck by itself to the side of the big one.
She was going to change and we were going to sit in the bubbles for a while, before it was time to go home for me. However- in the end it was only Kyle and myself, that were standing on the edge of the bubbles- wondering who was going to do what.
I still had my swimming shorts on- but I guess he did not.
So- another one of those situations.
He could back out.
Leave to the safety of the lighted kitchen.
Or stay here in the semi-darkness of the lower deck.
Step into the bubbles in his shorts.
Or-
In time -honored fashion I told him:` hey Kyle, just come in. It is nice, you know. Drop the shorts - we are all boys here. I am sure your parents will not care and by the way- who was looking at my dick earlier--!`
He stepped back.
Into the shadow of the wall.
`I have no swimming shorts on-` he sounded a bit shaky.
-I know, Kyle,- come, it will be fun, get in-!`
Keeping it short and still let him make the decision.
Wonder how he would solve this one-- I really was full of anticipation.
A naked 11 year old boy held it`s own fascination, but I was really interested to see what he would come up with to solve this riddle-
Well- he did.
The simplest version of making the grade.
He shuffled in the shadow and then stood next to me, naked.!
Whooof- he did , did he now.!
`Good thing, Kyle- I think you will like the bubbles even more this way-`
He gazed down at me-not hurrying to hide himself.
Yes, I know he was now challenging me.
He knew it. I knew it.
I closed my eyes.

When I opened them he was still standing there- how long does it take to blink.-
Shadow-boy, wrapped in half-light. All lines that disappeared into the soft darkness of the early night.
I smelled his nakedness more than I saw it.
Why is it that half-light and dancing shadows make a boy`s body seem even more a magical thing.-
Yellowish muted light from the kitchen flowing down Kyle`s head and neck, shoulder and chest. Pooling in the shallows of his tummy and grazing over his curving sex down along thighs and knees to his slim feet.
Half of him in the light- the other half swallowed up by shadow- graceful, but tense.
` do you like me, Uncle Alan--` Kyle deliberately used the `Uncle` I could sense.
` I think you are a terrific boy, Kyle-!` Ooomph, I am not getting out of this without some scars, I would venture.
`No, do you think I am ..- he gulped` good-looking.-`
I could guess who had said that to him.
` No- Kyle, I do not think you are good-looking.!` I could not see his face because of the shadows- but could see his shoulders slump-` I think you are beautiful.!` I know, I know- boys do not like that-bullshit.! They do.! In the right situation.
And this---. Was the right situation.!
I had not even thought about his parents being somewhere close- obviously he did not either.
I held out my arms.
Something in my mind was screeching like a freight-train on full brakes..!
This is going to have consequences.!

`If you are going in, Kyle, 5 minutes and then off to bed..` Laura`s voice was somewhere above us. I closed my eyes.
Thank you.! Or was that : Curse you.!
Hmmm-
`Oh mom- I want to stay in longer.!` Kyle had quickly slipped into the bubbles.
` Don`t push it, Kyle- it is way past 10 pm..` Laura was being impatient, but I knew the reason.
It is one thing to SAY you are ok with things going on- and quite another to actually be ok with it.!
`Yeah- I need to get home-` I stepped out a few minutes later. Holding up a big towel to Kyle, shielding him from his mothers eyes. He dropped his head, acknowledging his defeat-and quickly slipped into the towel and my arms.
`thanks` he breathed- and scampered off into the house, wrapped in the towel.

`So if this is going to be what you want- Laura, there are things to be done.!` I dictated to her the list from my head, of papers to be drawn up, translated, flight to be booked, things to be prepared- she was efficient as ever, she had been the best assistant I had ever had.
I knew it would be done in time for the departure.

Standing by the car, saying good-bye, John was nowhere to be seen, so I just told Laura to say bye to him for me.
`it is different, when it actually happens- isn`t it, Laura..-` I did not want to keep it outside of our conversation.
`Well- yeah, well--.. ` uncharacteristically for her she was grasping for words:` he, he wanted you to tell him you wanted him- didn`t he.-!` I guess she had been watching for longer than I had thought.
`Yes- in a way, Laura. We all want someone to tell us that we are beautiful to them, that they desire us, that our feelings are not in vain.!` I held her in my arm. A paternal embrace, but still.
She knew. I knew---.. and somewhere in the house, Kyle knew.

The road always seems longer when you are leaving things and places and people.

*
Love- always such a frightening word.
Because it is so loaded with insanity and feelings.
What was I feeling for Kyle..-
I almost stopped at that donut shop again, but willed myself past it and onto the hiway.
Lights dancing in my eyes, red and white streaks rushing by, I allowed myself the indulgence of following a very old road- back to a time and a place that was gone forever-
The boy was still there- inside the man he had become. Sometimes, when I sat across from Matt in some bar or restaurant I could see him, that boy. When his eyes let me inside of him again in the way it had been for us.
Love, that was what it had been for us. Yes, he had been 11 years old- almost 12. Small, compact boy. Acting a little too young for his actual age. I had written endless reports about him, into that journal that recorded the activities and problems of the bunch of kids in the group-home.
Insanity. To find love there. To be found by a boy that had a deep need for love. Who loved with abandon and desired my love for him. And all my desire. It took a long time for me to allow his love and mine. But as much as I resisted, so much more he chipped away at my defenses.
The world of men loving boys is an insane world.
Some may call it hell.
I had to learn to love a boy. He just loved me with all of himself. Head, heart and body. I was a man, that had to learn to not only accept this enormous gift, but also the responsibility. And most of all- himself.!
It was not all romantic bliss.! But it was love. Even through the many tears- we saw our love. And yes- Laura was right. That does not go away. It gets tempered and moves, but the kernel of it remains where we had found it- deep inside of us.

And Kyle..-
Was there not love enough already around him.-
A chosen child.!
I remember the delight in his chosen parents eyes- saw what I would think of as love.
Even after the second adoption.
They certainly were full of tales of Kyle`s hockey prowess in the last year or so. He was going to make them proud on the ice.!
That boy of theirs.!
Love.

Something happened.
In my mind I shied away from deliberating what and why and if-
What was obvious was: something happened and it lifted them out the tracks and derailed the chosen child-!
And me--
Yes, I was supposed to put him back on track..!
Which one.-

I had made it clear that somehow this plan of theirs, Laura and John`s - although I had some doubt that John was an active participant in this, past the `make this go away` part- still needed to be translated to Kyle in a way that made sense to him.
`Uncle Alan` was going to take him 6000 km away to some forgotten village in the hills of some obscure country on the edge of Europe and do what with him..-
I would be terrified, if I was him.!
Not that he was not ok with me- we like each other in that distant sort of way--- hold on, now.! That had changed in the last few visits- hadn`t it.-!
Because of me.-

Because of him.-
Was he that desperate.-
Was I that desperate.-
Or was it only his parents that were THAT desperate.-
In any case, I was sure they would NOT find the words to tell him why- just that it was decided-!
*
Business was taking me to Vancouver for a few days, before the final stretch of days leading to my departure for Europe. I had suggested to find a way to ask Kyle if he wanted to come along.!-
Laura and I met for lunch- where it seemed that from her description some things had gone from bad to worse. School seemed a hazardous place for Kyle. Kids taunting him with knowledge beyond their years- gleaned or told by their parents.
They had elected to keep him at home.
Where he was dejected and lonely and loosing much ground.
I guess my suggestion came at the right time- although I was not sure if all that desperation was a good basis for Kyle and me spending some time together- getting to know each other- sniffing each other`s scent.
Well, the dice were indeed loaded from the start.
Whatever Kyle or I rolled- it would come out wrong.
A crap-shoot.!
A crappy shot - at finding something that would not have to do with bad, wrong, tears, alone, losing-

-but here we were, Kyle sitting in the seat next to me, winging our way west.
Excited like any boy would be- fawned over by stewardesses and stewards all the way from check-in to landing 4 hours later after having crossed lakes, plains and mountains.
I was pensive.
It had been a while since I had a boy for company on flights or trips.
I was betting on excitement staying high, if I filled his days---. But was this not supposed to be a test of us being together.- Alone- together.-
About time- about being together- about being alone--!
Hmmm- Kyle was chattering on about Mount Baker, which he had marveled at, coming in for landing. Yes it is a magique mountain indeed.
I told him about it being an old volcano, which just got him more wound up.
Afternoon flight- it was getting to sunset time- Vancouver was rolling out the red carpet for this boy.!
Sunshine.!
Glittering English Bay.!
We were staying on the 36th floor- in a hotel in the West End.
Including revolving restaurant.
Kyle was not interested in resting a bit, when we got to the hotel in a cab.
I was ready to whack him over the head to flatten him for an hour.!
But then again-
He was running around the beach at English Bay, while I sat with all the others on a big log, to watch the sun go down in a blaze of oranges and reds behind Vancouver Island- and while watching him, I of course remembered another 12 year old doing just that- all those years ago.
I was humming Jim Croce`s `Time in a bottle` when he suddenly danced up and sat himself in my lap.!
How does one stop ones arms from holding one like that close..- How can one not smell his hair- his sweat, his life..-!
I let it happen.
He was sitting on me- quietly.
Turning to me- full face-to-face-` I like it here, Uncle Alan- I like y-..` he swallowed the rest. Big eyes. Big sea. Big sunset. Pacific Ocean waves- crashing against my heart- and his it seemed.
Big boy.
Still-after watching carefully and seeing it done around him- he quietly slipped his hand into mine for a while, walking down Denman towards Coal Harbour, back to the hotel.
He was fading fast.
I ordered room-service hamburger and fries for him and a salad for me, with a half bottle of red wine, when we got back to the room.
Kyle was standing on the balcony, spitting down 35 floors and looking with fascination at the mountains across the Inlet towards the North.
` Whao- it is nice here-` Yes, indeed- and even nicer is a boy leaning against the railing, half-turned, with golden hair and a smile.
Ok, ok-I did not tell him that.
But maybe something did get to him.
He folded into himself- and disappeared into the bathroom.
`Hey, you could change into your PJ`s ok-- not sure If he heard me- but then a tight-faced Kyle wandered across the room to his bag to extract the PJ`s and disappear again into the bathroom.
I clicked around on the laptop, mail and banking preparation for tomorrow- I did not even hear him come out. But felt him standing next to me.
Looking up-yes-`Yes, Kyle..-`
He looked pensive again- thin smile. Wrinkled forehead. Thinking-
`Good night.-
I reached out for him- folded him in my arms `sleep well, Kyle..` a quick tentative hug and he hoped into one of the two big beds and pulled the covers over himself.
Not even TV- he was asleep in a few minutes.
Not even 10pm- but ok- it was much later in real time-. So I also changed into sleep-wear-. Boxers that is- and slipped into the other bed.

The city lights provided enough soft light, that I could make out the small figure getting out of bed. I must have been asleep for a while. But there was Kyle, standing at the window, looking out into the night, illuminated by orange street-lights and the moon.
He was quiet- leaning against the window like before- shoulders hunched.
` Kyle-` I softly spoke towards him, he did not turn around, but his shoulders seemed to crunch in some rhythm- ` Kyle, come to bed--`
He sighed, loudly- still sniffling he made his way over to the other bed-
`No- come here-.` I was soft but direct.
Holding up my covers for him to slip under, my arm for him to fold into-he was pressed close to me in the seconds it took him to race across the room.
He was crying.
Wetting my chest and arm.
But I knew that words were not what he needed right now.
So I held him close.
Folded into me- until he was cried out and asleep.

*
Morning- hmmm- already.-!
I woke with a start.
Something was crowding me.
Not used to having anyone in bed with me for some years, it felt hot- close- restrictive.
Ahmmm-- my hand was holding his bum.
His leg was thrown over mine- I could feel a small hard projectile digging into my thigh.
Little involuntary hunches as well-!
Kyle`s head on my chest..drooling, yep.! That is true.! Drooling in contented bliss all over me.
Well.
Insanity.!
Love.-

Soft snores and drool- take it or leave town, I thought.
This is what it is all about.
Bodily fluids- one way or the other- my stomach jittered from laughing to myself.
Kyle rolled over on to his back.
The cover had long been pushed off us.
His PJ top ridden up exposing his taut belly, his pants containing that hard missile- all 3 or so inches of it sticking up in proud salute to the morning sun coming in through the window-it seemed.!
My hand had been moved by his rolling over from his bum to his-ahmmm thigh- or better that mid-thigh section, just under the belly above the knees.!
In any case-right next to his morning stiffy.!
Ok- get out of bed, have a shower and forget about all this- or..-
Was I supposed to do something here.-
What was it that Laura had said- love him, like they could not.-
I shook my head.
No-not like that.
Kyle yawned- grabbing my hand and pulling it to his belly.
Holding it close to him, while he was quickly walking back to this world.
`Rrrrahhhhmmm- Uncle Alan..-` Kyle was looking at me, still holding my hand to his naked skin above his PJ pants-` what are we going to do today.-`
I laughed- flushing my thoughts down the toilett-.` Well, we will get up- although I see you already are` I pinched his stiffy, he squealed grinning ` so you do, whatever you do with that thing in the mornings and I will have a shower`.
I swung out of bed and into the bathroom- not wanting to look back at an 11 year old cutie with an erection, lying in my bed.
Right- that works--- he was in the bathroom a minute later, `I need to go-badly` and aiming himself into the toilet. ` I tried not to look from behind the shower curtain, which was clear plastic.!
` can I shower with you- I do with Dad some times-.`
Yes yes- I know. All perfectly normal.
All good fun.
Har har, boys stuff..har har-.
Bullshit.!
I was not going to be able to say no.

Ahmmm-. Was I supposed to.-
Yes-. This is the old...boy and man in the shower scene.!
My head was not working this out very well.
YES, this was the old- BOY and man in the shower scene.!
He had dropped his PJ pants, slipped off the top and folded the curtain back- and stepped in behind me.!
Ok-is this the Hallelujah Chorus from Haendel`s Messiah..-
NO- but having a slippery, naked boy in the shower with you is a very nice thing.!
I am just going to pretend I am his-ahmmm Uncle, or whatever.!
Dumping half the bottle of shower-gel on him, maybe hoping the foam would hide him totally, I lathered him up and down- front and back- YES, yes-that part too.! He squeaked and slithered and loved every long minute of it.
And was sticking out again..!
` you know` he whispered conspiratorially` I do play with it sometimes.!`
`Well it is certainly big enough` oooops did I say that.
Kyle blinked up at me puzzled- then smirking.!
`I know.!` I said.
`Who told you.-!- He was mortified. My rescue attempt was backfiring.
`Ahmmm- I saw you once with your friend.` He gasped even more-` the shower-head!`
This time he boxed me in the stomach.!
It hurt..ok.!
Wild eyed and indignant, but still stiff like a nail-.ahmmm a very BIG nail, he glared at me.!
`Ok, ok-. So you want to know a secret, Kyle- I did that when I was a boy- even younger than you.!`
He grimaced- ` you are just saying that.!`
` nada, amigo- I did and I loved every minute of it.! Although, my dick was not as big as yours..`

He turned away from me, washing the remaining soap out of his hair, the suds sliding down his back over his shoulder-blades and following the little knobs of his spine into the crevice of his bum down the legs covering his small feet, before swirling down the drain.
Yes, damn it, I was jealous of them- of the suds.! I followed them intently with my eyes, lust only barely concealed- nonsense- not concealed at all.! We were naked after all.!
Help.!

Kyle got out of the shower, flinging water everywhere and dried himself.
I got out as well and reached for a towel myself-
` You think my dick is big-` he was examining himself, deflated dick hanging over lovely ball-sack and all-! Flipping it from side to side with his finger.
` well it gets pretty big when it is stiff..no..-`
I knew I would not get out of this that easy--
` is it bad if it gets stiff.-` Kyle looked up at me sideways, protectively covering his dick with his hand.
Oh well- here it was- sex-ed 101 in the bathroom.
60 year old man and 11 year old boy.
Correction- 60 year old man with a certain predilection towards 11 year old boys with one..ahmmm-one ...ahmmm, of those, in a hotel bathroom.!
I could practically hear the police sirens scream.
*
-5-

Yes, damn it- I had ignored his question.
What would you have done.-
And please-none of the ` I know what to do ` stuff-!

We had breakfast instead.
I knew that we would get to that question again, but could I have coffee first please.-!
Kyle was all over the buffett.!
I guess a late night snack of hamburger and fries is not enough for a growing boy.
I was doing calculations and lists in my head for my cottage.
My fridge was not Sub-Zero- and could have fit into the one at Kyle`s house 4 times I would guess- maybe more.
Meat- I had to think of meat.!
I hunched my shoulders up.
YES, you do-!
Ok, ok- I know.
All that would work out, I am sure.
Not sure about all the un-spoken things.
-so-` Kyle was on it again` what are we going to do.-`
I did have an hour meeting at my bank and was going to meet a friend for a late lunch- I had not told Kyle about this.
Because it was over on the Island.
And because there simply was not the time, I had booked us on the 1pm Harbour Air flight from Coal-Harbour.
Harbour to Harbour seaplane flight- not cheap, but quick and easy..and walking distance both ends.
I was keeping it a secret- but told Kyle that we could do a quick bicycle trip around Stanley Park before I had to be at the bank- and after we were going to have lunch with an old friend of mine- Brian, also affectionately called` The old Goat`.!
Kyle could not stop giggling.
Ok, so off to the bottom end of Denman, bicycle rental and we were swinging around to Stanley Park in no time. I used to do this in the mornings, when I was living here.
Takes 45 min if you keep going and the wind is not too bad.
Well we had sunshine and NO wind and we barely made it to my appointment- at 11:00am.
But Kyle was excited and sufficiently exercised for the morning.!
It was a joy to be riding the Seawall again- and pointing out all things of interest to Kyle. North-Shore, Lions Gate Bridge, English Bay with the freighters moored, waiting to unload or load. A huge containership coming in- one of the car-carriers from Japan no doubt- and big trees- waves and stone sculptures of smooth stones balancing on each other on the beach- Kyle was wide eyed at that most of all.
But there was business to be done-
Papers signed, hands shaken, pension money moved around- I was conscious that Kyle was trying to be very good- waiting for things to be finished.
Maybe the candies helped as well-
The Bank-Manager gushing over him was a bonus- older women will always be charmed by a smile from a beautiful boy---. Ahmmmm, older men as well.!
Ok, not all of them.!
But this old man.
I was losing some of my line on this one- reeling him in was going to be harder than I had thought. Good thing I could talk over a few things with Brian maybe.
Yes, he was a `colleague`- someone that had spent a very long time in West Africa working for a Development Agency and had managed to have been a happy provider to many little, beautiful black boys.
I was looking forward to meeting up with him again.
Had sent him a cryptic message about bringing `nephew` with me.

So hustle back to the hotel.
Bathroom breaks and a taxi to the dock- Kyle was un-suspecting until he saw the Float-Plane.! He still did not get it, but was excitedly pointing it out to me.
Yeah- grooming, lads.!
Grooming.!
He followed me somewhat sheepishly down to the gate and when I told him to hand the chap there the envelope it finally twigged.!
He was scared.! He was excited.! He was almost unable to contain all the twitching inside of him.! And with a smirk-the chap hoisted him up into the seat next to the pilot.!
Not a full fight- actually mid-day flights rarely were. A few tourists and us.
Kyle kept looking around-back to me, just a row behind him.
Grinning maniacally.!
The pilot put some headphone on him and spoke to him a while- Kyle attentively nodding.!
I was getting sentimental-
Remembering another sea-plane- this one a DeHavilland Beaver, smaller and rougher, but oh so sweet as well- with a boy sitting next to the pilot..trying to look over the dash.
The noise fierce in the air despite the cups on our ears- shuddering and creaking- I thought we would surely die. Matt was never more alive.! It was in the mountains- not sooo far away from here. A day`s drive perhaps- a lifetime ago.!
Bouncing across the light chop on the Bay, banking over Lions Gate Bridge and left around Bowen Island-out into the San Juan Straight- I sat back and hoped for the gods to make this a quick one.
Did I explain that I hate flying..-!
It is a quick one and we were soon gushing into Victoria Harbour- THANK YOU.!
Kyle had been full of questions and was awed by being able to listen to the chatter between Tower and planes-
He was almost wobbling from all the excitement.
Being lifted out by ground crew and shaking the pilots hand- the chap leaned over and smiled: `always makes the day go quicker if there is someone that appreciates the ride-` nodding at Kyle, who was leaning into me.
` great kid you have there- `
Kyle beamed.
Gushing all the way to The Empress, which is not far...as it overlooks the harbor.
That big old colonial hotel had good memories for me.
And somewhere in the `Bengal Lounge` was Brian- `The Old Goat`.!

We hugged and laughed at seeing each other. It was good to be close to him.
A smallish grey haired man, looking a little like a wizard with twinkling eyes, he was a quick witted understanding man. Kyle eyed him suspiciously.
But there was food- and in that strange place with big overhead fans and dÈcor that matched the theme of colonial conquests- Kyle was soon munching on fries and shooting questions at Brian about Africa.
I enjoyed being there- but in all this, I did need a few minutes alone with Brian.
So I gave Kyle my watch and told him to go explore-the hotel is not so small- not too far please but do NOT come back for half an hour or so.
`You are taking that lightning bolt with you to your village..-` Brian`s eyes sparkled in mirth- was that a good thing.-
`I am being asked by his parents- but it gets better- they would like a little sex thrown in as well-` I softly told him. Not that I needed to worry- we were almost the only patrons at this time. ` There was an `incident` with a coach- and my friends think that it was Kyle`s idea. I am not so sure-. In any case, they of course can not face this and are running as fast as they can.
Actually, they want Kyle to run as fast as he can.!
While they are taking off into the opposite direction-.. it seems!`
Brian was not smiling.
- They want you to do what- heal him from this disease..- Or to take him away and not return him- as he is NOT what they bought.-`
` I am not sure, Brian- this is not doing me any good, I know that- or at least not right now-and I doubt any time after. But I can not get out of the obligation- and I sure can not get out of the feeling that this boy is being sacrificed on some altar.! And that- THAT is not acceptable.!`
Brian squinted at me-` who are you to carry the sword of justice, my friend.-` His voice was soft, but hard. ` This is going to hurt you again in ways that you know already..!- Is it never enough.-`
`Maybe not, Brian- maybe it never ends-` I was unsure and getting a bit raw.
` He is a beautiful boy, Alan- but that is part of it- he is what..- Gay.- I do not think so.! Experimenting- yeah. But that should not have caused such horror.` Brian paused, looking at Kyle who was wandering around the far end of the room- bored- wanting the half hour to be over. `There is something wrong...unspoken still. I think this boy has some more secrets- and I am not sure you should be the one unlocking them, Alan.!` His eyes were softly telling me more even. `This will only hurt you in the end- like it always seem to be for us.!`
`I know this is only for a few weeks- and if there was not the question about his intentions, his parents would have found another solution, I am sure. But this reaches into an area, they know- well they think they know, that I know something about.`
`You do` Brian laughed` but knowing and DOING is not the same. I will be worried about you and what this will bring. Please stay in touch.!`
As always with Brian- it was little kernels of truth that I took away with me.

But Kyle was dropping into the seat across from us-looking bored and dangling my watch in front of me: ` Time is up- are you done talking..-`
- Did you see the cake-bar` Brian asked- Kyle`s head swiveled 240 degrees-
`No-WHERE..-`
`come, we will find something- and something for that old man, your Uncle as well.`
Off they went- off I went into the darkness of my thoughts.
Insane.

`I got you something with vegetable..` Kyle was looking triumphant.!
Smirking above a plate with a slice of cake-
` see-it has a carrot on it-` he was full of himself.! It was marzipan covered cake with a little marzipan carrot.!
However-I like Marzipan-so it was ok.!
Brian was smiling a little too sly- but maybe I was still thinking too much, into my head too much to really pick up on it.
` Time for you guys to catch a plane`
`Yeah-Kyle was jumping up, throwing down the fork-
`Hey- stop, Kyle- enough time yet. Eat up. We will leave after that.`
Hmmm- parental authority came easy to me, I had been one.

Standing on the wide promenade at the harbor, Brian walked with Kyle- actually, Kyle was holding his hand-I was astonished---.. to the pier where we were going to get back into the plane, that was already sitting there.
` you like to hurt, my friend- and this will do it again to you.!` Brian was telling me, uncaring if Kyle heard it:` you need to be careful, this is not what it seems, I would guess.`
` And you, Kyle..` he turned to the boy next to me` this man- your UNCLE, loves you already. So you can be sure he will take care of you. Have no fear- love him back.!`
A hug- no words- a wave- he was gone.
Kyle just stood there- looking in the direction Brian had disappeared into- then up to me.
` Is he your friend.-`
`YES, Kyle- he sure is.!`
`He is strange` Kyle was wrinkling his forehead- ` do you love me, Uncle Alan.-`
`well, love-` I was stumbling on my words-
` I am not a baby, Uncle Alan- Kyle was indignant:` of course I know he means a different kind of love. Not like I love mom or dad.!`
He turned away and stomped down the gangway.
The rush of sliding across the water at lift-off, the islands we banked along and across-. The mountains when we got to Vancouver- Kyle was bubbling over again with excitement- sitting next to me this time. Sparkling eyes. Hands clamped around the armrests, but practically bouncing in his seat.
Yeah-. Grooming.! It was water down my soul.
Calming water, despite the excited spring- I knew this. I had walked this path before. I could do it- and even if I did not do IT, I knew what could be done and how- inside of myself.
Give me a boy and we will work it out together.!
Love is possible.

Insanity is assured.!
` Can we go to the beach again-` Kyle was still dancing around me.
`Sure`- We had a dinner reservation that Kyle did not know about either:` but I know another place to watch the sunset- `
I pointed towards the mountains on the North Shore.!
`There is a restaurant up there where you can look all the way to Victoria..`
`YES-` Kyle gushed. `Now..-`
`Well, clean up and change-` frown appearing on Kyle`s face ` long pants and shirt-. I know you have one in your bag.!`
I had requested of his mother to pack one. Laura had done so, of course-
He looked like a child-model in his Dockers for kids and the Tommy Hilfiger striped shirt.
Actually- I think he liked it, when I complemented him on his looks, brushing his hair in the mirror of the bathroom for him. I know he was indulging me with that one.
Taxi up to West-Van and to the `Salmon House on the Hill`.
A venerable restaurant with a great view and acceptable food.
We made it in good time- the bridge can be a pain at times- and stood on the balcony, outside of the bar, watching the sun set.
Kyle was looking a million bucks and the girls serving were treating him like that.
Here- outside, me in my old cord jacket over jeans, we were alone.
`sometimes it is nice to wear good clothes` Kyle sounded mature, or at least what he thought mature sounded like.
`yes, it is, my friend`- He looked up from below me, not pointing at one thing or the other for a moment-
`are you my friend.- `
Ooops- where did that come from..-
You see, just as you think a little sanity and good food is about to be served- it all changes.!
He was asking me something quite different- but quite clear.
Was I going to hurt him- I think that was it.!
I was holding on to the railing and the wine-glass.
Looking over the Burrard Inlet- out to the Straight- somewhere in the distance behind Vancouver Island, the sun was moving to another part of the world- allowing us the shadows to hide in- if we needed.
This time I did not need to.
So I turned around, my face now lit up from the lights of the restaurant- setting my glass down, getting on one knee in front of him-
`I am more than your friend, Kyle- if you want me to be a friend only, that is ok too. If you want not to be my friend at all, that is ok too. Here, it is just you and me, Kyle- you can do whatever you need, or not.! That is all ok. Because you know a secret about me-` He cocked his head.. frowning` you know that I do love you--- not like Mommy or Daddy.!
Ok..so I jumped in with both feet- insane, I know.!
But I was feeling open tonight- even to a boy.! Especially to a boy. Most definitely to THIS boy.!
His hand on my knee- he was looking at me- into my eyes.
Looking and looking for what must have been seconds- ok maybe more than that.
Not smiling- not frowning, but looking-!
`Mr. Hunt, your table is ready.` She was a lovely girl, who waited inside the door, smiling assuringly and taking the lead with Kyle towards one of the tables by the big window, just higher up.
We played faces- played with our food, played with our feet under the table.
In the taxi back to the hotel, Kyle laid down with his head in my lap.
But not to sleep.
Looking up at me. Hard. Long- deep.!

Ok, this sounds like a NIFTY story, right..-
Ok-it is.!
I will deny it ever happened.

But I did not deny Kyle my arms that night.
He stood in front of my bed- the covers had been turned down on his- and looked at me again.
I had just packed away the laptop and changed into my boxers for sleeping.
And he stood there, in his underwear- he had not changed into his PJ`s even after me telling him to.
The light from the street was distant orange- a small fan-noise from the air-con- and a small boy climbing up on to my bed- into my arms.
We did not speak- maybe he was just too tired, but I think part of it was that speaking would have done damage. Would have torn open those wounds that were still very fresh in him.
All he said was: `take them off- but don`t do more-now.`
I knew he meant his underpants.
What else was it going to be.! What else- I was hoping to find another answer.
Once you are naked in bed with a boy- many things can happen.!
They didn`t.!
Not because I did not want to- not even because Kyle did not want them too.
I think we both knew that we would get there- but not tonight.
NOT tonight.

He felt very nice against my skin. All of him. That hard little dick that he was absentmindedly hunching into my belly- his shoulders, his arms- his bum--. The feet that wiggled around my calves.
The nose that pressed into my neck- smelling me.
Me smelling him.
` don`t stop.!` He meant my stroking hands on his back and bum- but really, he was asleep already. And I was crying- softly, silently.
Because that happens to me sometimes. When I remember places and times and faces- and my hands are full of soft wonder.
Knowing that all is like a good song that always ends too soon.
*

-6-

I left him sleeping.
Having gently moved his legs and arms- lastly his head to the pillow beside mine, I slipped out of bed.
He looked so- yes, desirable, but also innocent,- in a lascivious way.
Half tangled in the white sheets, his early summer tan was still dark against them-
One slim leg above, the other below the sheets, he was half curled where I had been until moments ago.
His penis, pulsing with his heartbeat, was resting on the sheets that seemed to have found his crack and had slipped through it up his back to half his shoulder. His hair flowed around his head- pursed lips, sometimes sucking in air or something.
Under his eyelids his eyes fluttered back and forth.
Breathing deep and steady, I knew he was still out for a bit.
So I draped the rest of the sheets over him, covering him up well and made my way to the bathroom.
Removing stubble from my face and keeping my own council.
It was almost 8 am- we were going home in the early afternoon.
One more meeting at the bank to sign off and done.
` you left`- a sleepy, husky voice behind me.
-no, I am right here, Kyle-` I smiled at him from the mirror, covered in shaving cream.
` don`t do that..` he said-` leave.`

-hey you better tame that lizard between your legs, before it spits in my eyes-`
He giggled and stepped up to the bowel-
` he won`t go down- Kyle smirked-` can you help me ..plleeezzee.-!`
Hmmm... where did he learn all this stuff..-
`Nada- in the shower with you` I slid the curtain back-:` I do not care where it lands there.!`
He giggled more and stepped behind the curtain-
Water flowing will make water flow- we all know that, so I turned on the taps-adjusting the temperature and was rewarded with a hot stream of something vaguely familiar all over my hands- Kyle sighing in relief and giggling again.
`Hey, YOU ARE PEEING ON ME.!` He was just about to collapse from laughing.
Why do all little boys think this is funny..-
`Sorry, this lizard is not toilet-trained` he roared in laughter at his own joke.
Ok, ok-not a bad one but still-.
Grumbling I washed my hands and went back to shaving.
That was ONE of the problems with boys- they always think they are so f..ing cute and funny. Ahmmm-. Well ok, mostly they are.
But not ALL the time., ok.!

` come and wash me again, Uncle Alan`-those last 2 words were said pointedly, smirking Kyle peeking out from behind the shower-curtain.
` where is that lizard..` I joked` you better keep him under control.!`
He was facing me- holding out the shower-gel bottle with one hand and the other wrapped around his `lizard`.
Looking up at me, than down to my middle-
`you have a big Lizard-` he observed. Oh well, it had to come to this I knew it.
My Lizard was not really big. I have always thought of it more like `travel-size` [thank you Juan]- a little smaller than average and not thick. But it had not often failed me, when it came to giving pleasure to me or others. Including boys.
`it is bigger than yours, Kyle, but not so big for a man.`
I had started to run my soapy hands all over his body, turning him to face away from me.
Of course these questions had to come. If you are naked around a boy, he will look, compare and if allowed or bold enough, ask questions or more.
`Dad`s is bigger.! Especially when it is hard, like mine gets.`
I was not going to have anything to say to that- it seemed quite in the realm of possibilities that a boy in the normal course of growing up sees his father erect at one time or the other.
If that sounds like a rationalization- yeah, it is.!
`Coach Saunders was more like yours-`Kyles voice trailed off.
I kept washing his legs and bum- this was going somewhere, I was not sure I wanted to follow right now- or ever. But I also knew that I would not get away from it. In fact, I guess this was what `my mission` entailed--!
Kyle turned to face me. `make it hard like mine, so I can see.!`
Ahmmm- yes, indeed.! He did have a hard-on again. Lovely hard and standing in that position only young boys achieve, almost parallel to his flat tummy.
Ahmmm- wet, shiny boy softly fondling his balls underneath an erection of delicious proportions- excited blue eyes on mine.

Being an old man saved me this time, I stayed soft- but it will not always, I knew that. `I am sorry, Kyle, but we do not have the time for playing around this morning..` it sounded like we were always doing this in the mornings-. ` we need to get washed up, packed, have breakfast, I need to get to the bank and we have a plane to catch after lunch.!`
His face smirked in disappointment, while his busy hands were stroking his beautiful little oh so hard dick. ` Ok-. ` He sounded defeated somehow.
I rinsed him one last time and pushed him gently out of the shower.
Maybe I should turn this water to cold- my head was full of visions of Kyle. Naked. Hard. Smiling. I was giving in to fantasy for seconds- of my hands roaming his body, my lips closing around his hard-
`Stop playing with yourself and get going.!` Kyle did his best DAD voice, but breaking into giggles.
` can I have waffles for breakfast.-` Hmmm- boys.
*
We ended up having lunch at the airport.
After buying a couple of souvenirs- something pink for his sister, he was sure she would like and a blue t-shirt for himself, complete with a pod of Orca on the front and Vancouver on the back. A little gaudy in my eyes, but Kyles eyes sparkled at the sight of it.
Of course he had to wear it right away, over his other one, since he had selected the new one fashionably LARGE..!
` They look like their dicks are sticking up in the air-` he whispered on the way out of the store- I almost chocked-` those are the fins on their backs, Kyle..`
`I know` he looked at me as if I was insane-` I have seen them before. I said IT LOOKS LIKE, not it was.!`
`So in the mornings you are an Orca..-` He punched me, hard.!

We were flying into the evening, by the time I would hand him over to his parents- dad most likely, it would be dark.
We had an entire row to ourselves, so Kyle was laying stretched out with his head on a pillow on my lap, watching a movie on the little video in the seatback in front of my seat.
He had gotten comfortable as soon as the mountains were behind us. I did not know what to do with my hands at first, but Kyle had solved that. He had simply dragged one hand on to his stomach, the other under his head.
Fine with me.! Very fine with me.!
I softly rubbed his belly.
`Don`t tickle me..!` I knew he was ticklish- well what boy isn`t, so I stopped. `No..no, keep going.! Just don`t tickle.!` `Yes master`- he giggled softly, making his belly flutter and pulled his two t-shirts up and over my hand, which had found his soft skin.
He wiggled to become more comfortable after a while.
`you are waking up the lizard..` he said softly- looking into my eyes.
`ME..- How-` my hands had not strayed from his belly.
`it feels good- in that way` he mumbled, reaching deftly into his pants to adjust himself.
`touch him- Kyle craned his neck in my hand to look right at me from my lap.`- my lizard.!` In case I had not understood, he was hunching his hips up and pushing my hand from his belly to his pants. Ok, so how many times do I say no or change the subject or walk away..-
It was dark in the cabin and he had a little blanket that the stewardess had given us over him.
No reading-lights, just the flickering screen of the video.
My hand grazed over his soft belly, being pushed along by his smaller one. He snapped his pants open- sucking in his belly and my fingertips were suddenly making contact..!
`Yes` he hissed.
Yes, I screamed in my head:- this is going to have consequences.!
He pushed his underpants down- while my fingertips caressed his soft glans-running around the little ridge of his circumcision scar and up under the flare of his head again- down his hard but incredibly soft shaft to his balls.
He was hunching up into my hand.
`Shhh-. Kyle..stay quiet or someone will notice.!`
`I can`t` he breathed` it feels sooo good. My body just sort of does it on it`s own- `
` try to stay quiet, let me do it-`
He did- sort of.
Keeping an eye on things around us- I gently folded my fingers around his 3 something inches of hot desire and proceeded to move him closer and closer to his goal.
Slight touches, sliding just my fingertips over his glans- then squeezing his marble-sized [the large kind]testicles and scraping slightly underneath with my fingernails, lifting and stretching the soft little pouch they were in- he hissed through clenched teeth, finally finding my thumb on the hand that was cradling his head- and sucked it deep into his soft wet mouth.!
I think that was when I decided that I should get off the plane this very minute.!
Somewhere close to Thunder Bay, Kyle joined the mile-high club.!
I am not sure if we were a mile high- but he was going to the stars for a few moments.
His lizard twitching, pumping, his hips hunching and him whimpering around my thumb which had suffered bite-marks.
-is he ok` the stewardess seemed concerned.! I was scared.!
`Ahmm- he was dreaming something- too many action movies I guess..!`
-I know-`she smiled- `they think they are so tough at that age- but really they are still little kids.!`
I nodded and she found another blanket.
Not that we needed it really- Kyle was hot. I was drenched in fright, but it was good to have too.
Kyle seemed asleep.
My hand was back on his belly- above the blanket, after pulling his underwear up and closing his pants.
Kyle was asleep- until we started decent and the lights were switched on in the cabin.
His hair messy and eyes unfocused- still sorting dream from reality, he sat up.
Shedding the blankets- looking down on himself to his pants.
Then to me.
Eyes drilling into mine- looking for something.
I looked into his- hoping to see that it was ok- that this had not destroyed things for us.
He looked away and out the windows at the myriad of lights of the big city- we were below the last clouds, final approach.
Touch-down.
Kyle`s pack and my carry-on and briefcase were in the overhead compartment, so we were out and walking into arrivals without wait for luggage.
Kyle ran off to his dad, who was standing waiting for him. Hugging him. John took the pack- we shook hands.
Kyle was already gushing about things like sea-planes and all. John smiled softly.
`good times, hey son..-`
`great times, Dad.!`
My car was at the airport, so we said good-bye in the car-park- I asked John, if they had talked about the next step with - I looked at Kyle, who was looking for their car.
John told me, what I already knew.
` not yet- it is kind busy right now- and he was so down last week.`
` you guys want me to make the offer and so it is out for discussion.-`
`Would you please, Alan..-` The relief was palatable.
`There is not a lot of time left..` I mused.
`all the papers and such are ready` John was quick to let me know. They were eager enough to have this happen.
`Ok, I will come up on Sunday afternoon and we throw it out then- please let Laura know, so she is on board with it..` I wanted to sound off-handed, not angry, but there was anger.
They wanted me to do all the work.
What did it matter, what Kyle wanted ..or me for that matter.
I was looking over to where Kyle was standing next to their car waving his dad over- what was it, that Kyle wanted- especially after what happened on the plane..-
I knew I wanted more of him- more time, more fun, more skin- more love.-
We said good-bye.
I waved to Kyle.
Walked away towards the lift- `Uncle Alan`- Kyle`s voice was coming nearer.
I turned in time to see him running up, dropped my cases in time to catch him, as he jumped into my arms that had opened automatically- He was in my arms, his legs around my hips.
`Woof, tiger- you are not that small any more or light.` He laughed-. Holding on.
Looking into my eyes and then putting his lips to my ear in a hug-` Thank you, for EVERYTHING.! ` he was deliberate in his words` I love you.!`
He was whispering now..` and my lizard wants to be tamed by you.`
He smirked- then giggled.!
Slid off me and was off running towards the idling car with dad waiting.

*

-7-

It was, of course somewhat academic in a sense, posing the question on that Sunday.
Kyle was wearing his Orca t-shirt and grinning, when he greeted me with a hug.
But I wanted to have it talked about- around the table at dinner. I had assured myself that the papers were indeed done and in order. It appeared that way- although I suddenly realized that Kyle`s return on his fight-ticket was not 4 weeks from departure- but 6.!
Laura was apologetic- John was quiet. I was silently happy, but also worried.
Seemed that camp was something one had to book in advance- maybe a year or so...duh.!
Maybe it could be `camp` at my house..-
There was a little good news- David`s parents had a bit of an insight that maybe the boys were not at fault and so they had come over while we were in Vancouver and the adults- David was still away at relatives- had finally come together and were intend on solving this in the best way possible for the boys.
This meant that their proposal was for Kyle to be with them at their cottage for the weeks leading up to school, when he had returned from the time away with me.
They thought that maybe the time apart was good for them- I snorted in disgust- but that in view of the fact that Kyle, who was a year behind David, would be going to the same school next year and all-. I stopped listening at that point.
Yes, it was good for the boys to be back together-. In what..- 7 weeks or so. Good for them to have 2 weeks at a cottage up North- and yes, it was definitely good for them to be in the same school after that.
But all the fretting, the worry, the wonder about what had happened and what would be the result of it--.. all this without talking to the boys. Without holding them in ones arm and telling them that they were loved and wanted and good boys-. Even if they were not.!
All a bit too tailored to fit the parents agenda of making this all go away and forget about it.
To keep THEIR lives running smoothly- never mind the boys.!
*
Kyle was quiet.
Not saying anything- head down.
We were sitting at the high table in that big kitchen- it was raining outside.
`What is it, honey` Laura was suddenly concerned` it is up to you, if you do not want to go, you do not have to.` She was looking at me- I saw the question in her eyes and shook my head. Nothing had happened that would have prompted this.
` Don`t say things, if they don`t work out..! Kyle was soft, hesitant- those were not his words.!!! I knew that- Laura must have used them.!
` No, honey, I- `Laura corrected herself with a look towards John who was making more pizza- I was not getting the significance of pizza-making but hey, I have my own perversions- ` we want you to have a nice summer. If you rather stay with us here, that is fine.!`
It had not gone the way I wanted it to. Laura, as usual, was charging ahead- heedless of anybody else.
She had blurted out this WONDERFUL idea of hers- even though I had told them I would make the offer.
Fine fuck-up.!
Time to reel it in.
`Ok Laura- give me a minute ok-. ` I was looking across the table.
`it was MY idea, Kyle--. I thought it might be cool to spend a few weeks together at my house in the mountains, away from here, yes, but doing a bunch of interesting stuff.!`
He looked up from under his long strands of blond hair.
Blue eyes wet, but blazing.!
Quiet but defiant.
`Don`t say things that don`t work out.!` He repeated. I was ready.
`Well boy-` he looked up sharply, taking big offence with this I am sure..` here is my ticket.`
I pushed my ticket across the table in front of him- `and..` I held out my hand out to Laura, who reached behind her into her purse- ` here is yours.!`
He squinted at the papers in front of him.
`so, boy-` I was hard with him, I know..` if you want to come, take it and keep it safe.! I will be on that plane and I would like you to be with me. But if you`d like not to- rip it up now.!`
I looked into his eyes- hard. Maybe too hard.- Maybe with too much hunger and love.-
I don`t know.
What I do know is that he studied the papers- looked at his mom-then his dad and crawled into Laura`s lap- who was not a little surprised by that. He kissed her..then jumped down and ran over to his dad to hug him- back to the table-- one and two- and three- and four-
I could hear the pizza backing in the oven- or was that my heart pounding.
He picked up his ticket- looked at me while handing it over `YOU keep it. Then I know it will be safe.!`
The depth of this was not lost on Laura or John. They knew it was not about their safe keeping of it. It was about Kyle feeling safe with me.
He had pulled the right card from the deck.!
*
`and he wins again..` Kyle was proclaiming to the entire section of the plane it seemed.
`It is a stupid game..` I lamented `the cards cheat- you cheat.!`
He laughed.
He had beaten me for the 3rd time in some inane card game he obviously was good at.!
Time was rushing forward. Every hour of flight we were gaining an hour-almost.
It would be morning by the time we were landing, even though we left in the late afternoon.
A short night.

It had been short days it seemed.
But I was ready.
So was Kyle.
We stood at the curb- after good-byes to sister and parents. Kyle looking up at me- smiling.!
` Does that mean you like this..-` I asked.
He nodded in an exaggerated childish way..!
` we both do.!`
`Who is WE..-` I asked- really puzzled.
`Me and my lizard.!` He tumbled over onto our bags from laughing so hard.
I loaded him on to the baggage cart UNDER the other bags.!

Laura had transferred the `Camp` money to my account in Portugal.
I also had another thousand euro for food money and allowance for Kyle in my briefcase. I elected to spend some money on the opportunity to get us seats in a little bit better class on this charter/leisure airline. Only 2 seats together, between window and aisle wide and lots of legroom. In the front of the plane where it is less bouncy and attended to by our own steward.
Who liked Kyle`s blond hair a bit too much for my taste.!
Yeah, call me the jealous kind.!
It did however get Kyle just about anything he wanted from the middle aged man.
I was watching with not only jealousy- Kyle was flirting with the man. Clearly knowing what to do or say. He was moving in a way that was suggestive. Even when in his seat.
` that man likes me` Kyle`s eyes were sparkling with mirth.! He had just spent 15 min tormenting the man, standing close to him and smiling- leaning against the galley counter, where he of course was NOT to be- flipping his hair with a twist of his head, even trimmed it was still longer than most boys wore it. Slipping his hands into his back pockets and stretching his front- he was lascivious in a way that was disturbing somewhat.
And exciting as well.!
When Kyle was finally asleep- in his normal position with his head on my lap- my hand on his belly, this time without `taming` his lizard first- the man brought me another bottle of red wine- un-asked- and softly told me ` You better put a leash on this one, Sir.` The last word was un-mistakable in it`s double meaning-` he is going to get himself in trouble otherwise.`
I looked at him softly, making sure he saw my hand stroking Kyle`s middle-` no worries, in my village we will be alone- and he can be, as nature intended him to be-. All boy.!`
The steward looked at Kyle with something that had old desire written in it- but not really too hard-` he is a lucky boy` he mumbled` some of us never get that- that chance, sir.`
He had turned away, before I could read the look in his eyes.
Yes- I know- It was catty to make sure he knew that Kyle belonged to me- he knew that already. But I know deep inside it was more for me. It was to make sure that `I` knew that he belonged to me-. For this time, these seconds in his life.
And that I had to take care of him.!
I had before- I knew, I would again.! YES- if there was something I was sure of, it was the fact that I would be taking care- of him.!
Of Kyle.

With a sleeping boy on my lap it was easy to sink into the reveres of yesteryears.
I wanted him to be safe. Feel safe. Do what he needed, to make it across the darkness to the light-
- I had actually fallen asleep.! I NEVER sleep in planes.! They fall from the sky if I do.!
But I had.
Kyle was sitting against me, relaxed but not asleep.
I had a blanket around me.
`the steward brought it` Kyle said into my questioning eyes. ` he said I should be good to you..- Why did he say that.-`
I looked at the boy`s face - framed by blond hair, as yet somewhat androgynous, but just a little more male- to show what he was- a beautiful face with blue eyes like mine, soft skin and lips to kiss.!
` I think he likes you, Kyle. He also knows that sometimes you can be an Orca.! And you have a lizard that needs taming.!` Kyle was wide -eyed.
-It`s ok, Kyle- he is ok. He just knows that it is not always a good thing- and I think you know this too.!`
Kyle looked at me hard..then turned away towards the window, which was showing the first signs of morning on the distant horizon.
`Yes.` That was all he said, but I knew we had established a line- thin and tentative- but a line to send little messages across.
I was going to have to take this boy apart- and put him back together.
I knew how to.
I had all the training, professional and otherwise. And the fact that I felt so deeply for him was not a problem. I had been there before.
` We are landing in 45 min, sir` the steward was standing beside us.
Kyle stood on his seat- reaching over me, he took the stewards hand, but then smiled and walked across me to hug the man.
I smiled. It was good. It was right. Not that I wanted Kyle to hug every man he met, but this was a good thing. My little healer was at work.!
I was watching over him.
The man accepted with poise, befitting his profession and smiled.
` I hope you have all the fun and excitement you can handle`-he winked at Kyle, who was winking back at him.
Before we had to tie ourselves down into the seats, I went to find him-
`Mr.` I looked at his tag- `Lancombe,` I talked quietly. ` on August 4th , Kyle will be flying home. He will be alone.` I looked at him. ` He will be upset. And lonely-. But he needs to be safe.!`
The steward blinked, but kept listening.
` I will venture the guess that he will want to go home as much as he wants to stay with me.` I paused- ` but home he must go. He has a little friend that needs him more than me or - anybody else.!`
The steward pulled out an i-phone and checked a calendar.
` He will be safe, Mr. Hunt.! I am on duty for that flight it appears.`
`Thank you, from my heart, Mr. Lancombe-!`
He bowed his head.
` Something tells me, sir, that it would not have been bad to have met you when I was a boy-..` he let it go at that and walked away.

I was not so sure.
I am not only a good person, I think-. Sometimes I take too much.
Well I have in the past. Now I was not going to be in that position any longer-. Except-
`come and look, Uncle Alan.! Kyle was getting excited again.!
The sun was coming up over the Atlantic breathing red fire, a few hundred miles outside of Lisbon.
*
The York House is an old, renovated Carmelite monastery.
I was sure something with a pool would have been more to Kyle`s liking, but this was the hotel of my choice, when staying in Lisbon.
Yes..it is not close to anything really. Does not have a swimming pool or a children`s menu.
Sorry. But I like it.
I like it`s courtyard. It`s stairs up from the street, where only a big door shows.
I like the food, the quietness and the world-class, behind the scenes attention to detail.
I had made the reservation- pointing out that one guest was child.
There was a child-sized bathrobe in the bathroom- which Kyle had to inspect of course.
What is it about boys and bathrooms--
It wasn`t about needing to pee- we had taken care of that before leaving the airport.
Immigration taking longer than usual of course- only to be expected. But we had all the papers- in Portuguese as well.!
So no trouble in the end.
Just a lot of luggage- which I decided was best kept at the bottom reception to the hotel.
Only taking our day bags up with us. Kyle liked the large palm-tree.
He liked the heat.
He liked the bathroom- and he positively liked the bathrobe.!
His size. Like mine, just - well, his size.!
He looked out from the window- pointing at the bridge and the Christ Statue on the far side.
` we will take a city tour tomorrow, Kyle-!`
`Oh.. cool-. `
Ahmmm, what did I do wrong.-
He agreed without argument.-
`On the double-decker bus we saw..-`
Ahhhh-. That was it.! `YES.`
But right now it was 11 am and I was very tired-
Kyle did not object to having a bit of a rest- but insisted on trying out the shower.!
What a clean kid-
He came waltzing into the bedroom, dressed in his bathrobe.!
Looking a million bucks-. Did I say that already- sorry, overnight flights make me loose it early.
I quickly soaped off the travel grime- and bundled up in my bathrobe as well.
He had found the TV and the remote-` they talk funny here.!`
`Duh- dude` he frowned- ` it is another country.!` They talk Portuguese.!`
`Well the US is another country and they talk like us.!`
Well that settled that argument.
I gave up for this morning- he was yawning.
I was yawning.

` I am naked underneath..` he giggled-smiling at me from the other side of the big bed.
` So-` I was dismissive` I am as well-what`s the big deal-`
WRONG.!
`Let me see..!` He was on me like flies on sh-.t, well you know the saying.!
`Kyle- I think we both need to sleep a little more.!`
- Let me see- I bet it is hard like a brick-.` He suddenly swallowed--.. he knew he had said too much.
He turned over away from me.
OK- show-time..!
`Kyle..` he grumped something..` come over here- come`
I was talking softly but I think he understood I would not let it go.
So with a big sigh he rolled over towards me.
`Whaat.-`
- did I tell you today, that I like you. That somewhere under that bathrobe of fluffy white is a brown boy and that I love that boy maybe a little.!-`
He was vexed- did not expect that.!
`Ah- no.!` Big eyes.
`I like you, Kyle- and I think I even love you-.. a bit, not too much ok-!`
He smirked.
The covers were down- I pulled my bathrobe off.
Yes, I was naked underneath- might as well start now. I never wore much at home, in bed.
He watched carefully. My NON-erect member [ of what..parliament..-] cock.!
I slid under the covers- a nice light duvet- the air-con was on.
Kyle sat up.
` You like me- and love me a little.-`
`Yes, Kyle- I am sorry- but you have to live with that for the next 6 weeks..!`
He wandered off into the bathroom again- I listened for him peeing, but that was obviously not it. He was running water-
`I brushed my teeth.!`
-ok--- I m not sure if there was a message there or not.
-good boy`
-and I washed my lizard again.!!!`
ARRRGH-
I should have known I would not get out of this that easily.
Kyle looked triumphant-. While practically throwing his bathrobe wide open with flair.
He was hard.!
What else.!
Jumping on the bed-. Kneeling close to me- looking into my face.
`Now..-`
I was exhausted.
`YES` Kyle was exuberant.! Excited- his little tongue kept slithering around his upper lip.
Now I knew- there was something his parent had neglected to tell me- he was a sex maniac.!
`Suck me off-.!`

Ok, here the buck stops.
I am more than willing, ahhmmmm-.. to suck the dickens out most boy cocks I find, but command performances were never my thing.!!!!

`Kyle-- he knew he was in trouble when I said it.
`whhaat..--
` You do not TELL someone to do that- you ask-!`
`I was-`
`NO, you were not.!`
It had been a while since I was a boy. I had met many along the way. Some sucked , some got sucked- some were just Sucks.!
But it was NOT going to be like this- maybe when we were closer, much closer- we could demand things from each other, but not now- not here.!
He looked away..flopped to the far side of the bed- still in that child-sized bathrobe.
I waited- right.!
He was sniffling- not letting himself cry- but wanting to.
Such little flowers they were -those tough boys just on the cusp of puberty.!
Pretty flowering Mimosas they were- like the trees in my mountains. Bright yellow flowers in the spring amongst the evergreens and eucalyptus.
And just like those trees they were immensely resilient.!
So- I rolled him over on to his back- he looked away-- and slowly slipped off his bathrobe from his front.!
He breathed in.
I left it covering him a bit-but slipped my hands under it- up his soft slim but strong legs- on the outside of his thighs, he was so naked underneath- up his hips-and his sides.
He suppressed a giggle. Over his chest- caressing his nipples. To his neck.
The bathrobe was splayed open- he was naked to the light- to my eyes.!
He was beautiful.
A lightly tanned boy of the size and shape that drive men like me delirious.
He was hiding his face in his hands.
I licked my way down his tummy around his navel to the crease of his thigh.
He was breathing shallow- rapidly.
I did not have to look to know he was stiff.
`want me to go on--`
He shuddered from my mouth on the base of his dick. Between his legs.
`Uummph-. Please-!` There was an urgency in his voice that meant he was ready.
`Please what, Kyle--` I looked up.
He was not covering his face any longer, but gripping the sheets with his hands.
Face a little lopsided from the `attention` he just got from my tongue.
` Lick me--`
`No.!`
`Suck me please`.
`No.!`
`What is it--..-`
Kyle was twitching from my fingers grazing over his erection- swirling around his helmet-shaped glans and the kisses on his balls inside their ohhh so soft pouch.
`Say it, Kyle..!`
`Ahhggrrrr-.` He was getting there.
I was sucking his balls into my mouth and softly using my teeth to stretch his pouch out, taking his stiff penis with me away from his belly into mid-air-!
-tell me- please. Please tell me---.. ohhhh.`
He was losing the battle soon.
`What about love, Kyle..`
He shuddered again as my thumb rubbed down his crack over his anus-
`I love you-. `he was starting to blubber, becoming lost in the feeling of my thumb pressing against his anus and my other hand squeezing his cock. Rubbing up and down quickly.
`I love you-`-. Kyle was starting to shiver.
`so just ask me to LOVE YOU-!`
He was hunching his hips to get away from my thumb- but at the same time wanting to feel it more.
`pleeeease, Uncle Alan-. Pleeease make it go away- make it go-make me go--- love me, love me, love me-love me more-.more-!`
He was hunching, bunching and crunching-. In other words-..
He was feeling good.!
It was not where we needed to be, yet it was a start.
I sucked his cock- he was throwing his head side to side-. And pushed my thumb, slick with spit and sweat up his hole just enough for him to enjoy it some- and teased his tiny nipples with my other hand.
He was on overload.
The shivering went on for a minute or so- his anus was clenching, his dick was pulsing and he was heaving in desperate attempts to get more air into his lungs that had suddenly become too small- He burst into tears.
Yes- I know.
I maybe should have- not. But I did-and I am prepared for what comes next.
This is sex-.
And yes- of course it is mostly physical- but if the emotional part is screwed up you get many more headaches.
The only head that hurt with Kyle was his dick-head, as I had sucked it maybe a little strong for someone that is not used to it maybe...
` are you ok, Kyle-`
He was naked, spooned into my front. My arms around him. He was cradled by me.
Bathrobe on the floor- both of ours. Duvet pulled around us. My hands on his body, but chaste and caring. His head on my arm.
He was sleeping- maybe. I thought not.
` I am afraid.!`
` I am here with you, Kyle.!`
` No- not like that.!`
He was speaking softly, but clearly. ` I love you and then something will happen-!`
Hmmm- so soon.-!
I was not quite ready for this depth. And the doors that were on all of the walls where we were going.
I also was not quite sure that I had the whole picture.
` I liked it too much-` he was speaking much to himself.
`You liked it much- that is it, Kyle. Like me. Like me giving it to you- that feeling that you liked so much.!`
`Is it wrong to like it so much.-` His little boy`s voice had returned.
I needed to pay attention to that- to his voices.
- you asked me once if having a stiffy was bad thing, Kyle..` his head turned a little towards me. ` it is NOT.! With the right people, for the right reasons.!`
`I know that sounds complicated, but it is not, Kyle-. The answer is: IF it feels right and you feel right about the person it is stiff with- then it is good.! ALL good.!`
He turned around- looking at me.
Blue eyes into blue eyes.
`You remembered.!`
`Yes.`
He sighed.
Snuggling into me- asleep.!
*

-8-

The light coming in through the closed curtains was still strong.
I was comfortable under the duvet- a very quiet humming of the air-con fan was all the noise I could make out.
Well- except there was someone pretending to snore next to me.!
Kyle was awake.
Yes- the imitation of my snores was imperfect.
I can tell my snores from imitation noises any time.! Obviously resting was over. I checked my watch- well a good 2 hours anyhow.
Kyle was watching me through slitted eyes- pretending they were closed. He was rolled up in his part of the duvet.
` you can give that up, faker..` I grumbled. ` you are not asleep and I do not snore like that.!`
He burst into laughter.
` can we go out and do the bus--!`
Oh how I missed that high energy of boys lives- NOT.!
But I knew he would not be able to sleep any more right now. I should be grateful for my 2 hours.!
`Ok`- Kyle threw off the duvet- from both of us.
I knew what he was trying for-
` no luck, little man` I chuckled.
I had put on boxers, while he was asleep.
He frowned, sitting there with another stiffy pointing up his belly to his nose.
`But I can see we did not tame that lizard of yours yet- we will have to practice more..!`
`YES- now..- ` Kyle looked hopeful but unconvinced.
`NO.! Get dressed if you want to go on that bus.`
He jumped out of bed and into his clothes.

I selected the shortest tour.
Kyle loved sitting up on the top. It was still sunny and warm- actually hot.!
I had forgotten to put sun-screen on him- so I coaxed him under the front roof- baiting him with the front seats behind the big windscreen.
We had taken a taxi to Rossio- next to the plaza where the tour-busses were.
That is where we got dropped off again after 2 and bit hours- not a minute too early for Kyle, who by now was done with sight-seeing. Besides- an appreciation for Amalia Rodrigues needs a few more years. Fado is a bit lost on a young boy- with good reason. So the music in the ear-buds between the explanations was annoying if anything to Kyle after the first few minutes.
I was not going to tell him how real `saudade` was in himself.!
We wandered across Rossio and past the railway station to the end of Restauradores, where Kyle perked up again, seeing the old yellow funicular Elevador, which we rode up, all the way to the Miradouro- a little park that was a place you could look over much of Lisbon`s downtown.
It was getting dusk and lights were twinkling on here and there.
We stood at the railing, Kyle in front of me-leaning against me, in my arms.
Being affectionate with children, even boys, was still not something that brought the police with sirens, here in Portugal. It brought smiles from the old women and some men that were sitting on the benches or wandering by.
I knew that we better get something to eat and head to bed- this little man in my arms was fading.
So rather than experimenting, I chose to taxi it back to hotel and have a quick meal in the restaurant there.
We sat outside under the big palm. Darkness closing in around us slowly. Warm light from the restaurant inside, some lanterns in the courtyard- Kyle was already finished with his chicken dish.
`I like it here` he suddenly said-` with you.!`
It was this calm- almost mature voice, that got me looking up.

There was a hint of the husky raspiness of a boy getting closer and closer to puberty, perhaps.-
Was he just tired and weary.-
Or did it feel like he had finally escaped something.-
` I am glad you decided to come with me, Kyle.`
He had been looking into my face- now he turned away. ` David-` his voice was now breaking..` I miss him.`
We were not alone in the garden, but the tables were not close together. I reached across to his hand and took it into mine. Holding it tightly, I pulled Kyle out of his seat around to mine.
Standing him between my legs, drawing him into my embrace and holding his head with my hand- away from the light into the darkening part of the garden-` I think he does miss you too, Kyle..` He was sniffing quietly, his arms around my neck.
`I think it is time for you to go to bed and dream of him-!`
Getting up from my unfinished meal, I led him upstairs to our room, dragged his shoes and shorts off him, while he lifted his shirt over his head- socks off and under the covers..
He was almost asleep by then- `I do- you know. Dream of him.!`
`Then tonight it will be a special dream..!`
He was already there- in dreamland.

I went back to my table- it had been cleared, but my place was still set.
Another glass of red and some time to think where I was going with all of this- it was good to be here, good to be back.
Tomorrow I would be home.
Tiredness was like a heavy coat on me.
I settled the bill to my account and dragged my old feet up the staircase.
The light from the city was flowing over the bed.
Over the boy that was curled half above the duvet- wearing MY boxer-shorts.!
Too big, they had of course moved half off his butt.
What a gorgeous bum it was. Round, tight- small.
His head was on my pillow-blond hair spilling over it in all directions- half open mouth.
Hands between his tucked up legs- inside of my boxers. Holding on to his lizard, no doubt.
I got out of my clothes and into bed on the other side, behind him.
Maybe it was because of my weight pressing the mattress down on my side- maybe it was, because he sensed I was there- in any case, it was not 5 minutes later and he was snuggled into my armpit with his head- one leg over mine.
I remembered this- from, oh how many years ago, in that impossible broken town in Eastern Europe. There I had learned to sleep like this. With a boy tucked into me.
It all came back, like it was natural- like it was supposed to be.
*

It was well into the morning, but I guess Kyle`s internal clock had not adjusted, when I felt him become restless next to me.
He had rolled over me und away from me at times through the night. Now he was moving from being pushed against my side with his back to half on me. My boxers had long left for the bottom of the bed.
One of his hands was on my chest- his fingers very softly playing with the grey hair there.
` get your own hair, lizard boy.` I did not open my eyes. He chuckled and pushed his hard dick into me even more.
`when do you think I will have hair` he asked quietly.
`in time` I was really not that awake yet-
`when..-` he was of course not that easily put off the subject. On top of it, his hand was making it`s way down my chest to my belly.
` well-` I was distracted by his fingers crawling around my navel and - moving lower.
` you know, Kyle- you are going places that you have not asked permission to go..!`
`when I asked you about when I get hair Uncle Alan..-` he was clowning.
Then breathing into my ear from next to me-` can I please- I want to hold him-!`
I was feeling wicked- well, I have to live up to being a monster, right.!-
` kiss me first.!`
His lips were on my cheek in a split- second.
`no, Kyle, kiss me properly.! I am sure you know how to-!`
I could sense his hesitation- if he did he would tell more about himself then-
`keep your eyes closed until I tell you-` he was telling, but almost pleading.
`sure..` I made it sound easy-
He was breathing deeper- faster, I could hear him close.
His mouth was close to my ear- then his lips softly pressed against it, his hands holding my head. He moved my head back to what I felt was in front of him- I knew, no-I could feel him looking at me.
Wet- soft, small- that was what my lips registered. My mind was trying to construct the picture. Again- like a swipe, a lick- a little more pressing.
He was wetting my lips with his tongue.
For what..- Well stupid old man- his open lips were suddenly on mine. Pressing, pushing..moving. Lips that had a wet tongue between them.
Kyle settled on my chest with his belly, legs squeezing from both sides. Hands holding my head- he was hunching and at the same time pushing his tongue past my teeth searching for mine. Twisting his head at times slowly, while rubbing his tongue against mine- was that me moaning or him..-!
I knew I was- but there were other noises as well- little excited muffled, then loud breaths and small moans. Kyle was not doing this so much for me- he liked it.!
My hands found his hunching back, his little twitching muscles in his thighs and sides.
The inside of his legs- the back of his head.
`touch me, - love me`- a husky command, stammered out between short breaths and kisses.
The hunching had taken on the rhythm of life. The push-pull of the ocean waves-
He was crashing over me-I was kneading his bum, helping him press his oh so hard dick against my belly, creating friction in the sweat that had build up between us.
`Touch me more-.` He hissed ` your finger-` I knew what he wanted, although my cock felt cheated-! I held my hand to where I knew his face would be, giving him the choice---
He greedily sucked my index-finger, slobbering all over it while moaning softly.
`Yes my little master` I whispered in his ear- while sliding the slick digit down his crack to his hole.
Stroking his ball-sack with my thumb I simply pressed against his hole.
I ventured a guess that this was all it needed- my thumb had told me yesterday that this was not the first time something went `up` it rather than only `down` it.
Kyle sat back against my finger moaning softly, making it slip into him. A few twitches and it was buried as far as would.
Rocking like a little child, Kyle was breathing hard, his hard dick twitching in time.
He leaned forward again- his lips finding mine again and the rhythm started again- undulating, hunching. Pressing back against my finger in him and against my belly with his hot and hard dick- rubbing, pushing-he was squeezing his arms around my neck, his head on my shoulder.
`may I look at you, little master..`
`NO.!` he was hissing at me` just make me go.!`
`Yes little master`- I twisted my finger forward and down.
`Ahhhh-..`
Bingo.! Inside his heat, his soft inside there was more joy.!
`YESSS.!`
Kyle was getting the shakes-
`close- NOW.!` he has hunching into me erratically- and finally with long languid strokes.
I eased my finger slowly from his hole- stroking his back- his heaving sides.
His neck and arms.

Sorry, I cheated- did I tell you I was a monster.-!
Of course I looked at him.
My eyes were open, when all those feeling were rushing over him- because I was pretty sure his would be closed- they were.!
It is something I have been in awe of, ever since I experienced it oh- a life-time ago and very far away. The ecstasy that contorts our faces with those wild emotions- it is even more dramatic when it is a little angel`s face that shows the wild and animalistic desires taking control of little muscles and vocal-cords.! A boy in the throes of orgasm, his body twitching, shivering, his face contorted and his mouth open with rasping breaths and sounds of lust- it is all the Viagra I would ever need.!
It could inspire me to greatness.!
Or the life of a monk.!

Kyle was breathing evenly now, in my arms- under the covers.
I knew he would want to have them over us.
Yes, I was still hard- but that was going away by itself with a trip to the bathroom.
` it is good-` he talked somewhere near my left ear.
`what is good, Kyle..-`
`to be here- ` he was whispering now:` that you know what to do---!`
` I know a few more things, little master..` I said softly.
`Yeah..` he breathed.
Not a question.
- I also know that I like you, Kyle- maybe love you a bit -`
He hugged me tight.

`the other thing I know, my friend` I whispered into his ear after a few minutes: `is, that we both need to piss like race-horses..!`
Kyle giggled and jumped out of my arms and out of bed- running for the bathroom.!
He was making lots of noise in the bowl- obviously I was right on the money.
I joined him- he watched me relieving my straining bladder.
`I wanted to touch him-`
`Well something else got in the way- no worry, we have 6 weeks.!`
He frowned, but smiled after.
`I will wash you today.!`
I almost gave in- but we would have never made it to check-out time- never mind breakfast.!
So I packed, while Kyle showered.
He was done too quickly, but I would surely have him in the shower again today-. Wink, wink, nudge nudge..say no more-.. oops, did I give away that I was a monster..-!
I was anxious to get home.

Bill settled after a quick breakfast, I hailed a taxi, to take us and the luggage back to the airport- Kyle was looking at me quizzically when I directed the driver to the long-term parking.
`Your car was here..-`
`yeah, but I do not like to drive in the city- too many crazy people. ` Kyle looked at me like he thought I was crazy.!
Well ok- but it is the truth. Usually I just get in the car and get out of the city. This time I had a particularly delicious looking boy with me.
Bare feet in sandals- well worked in cargo-shorts that looked like last year`s set, they were so nicely tight ... t-shirt that was a turquoise mÈlange of colours which of course made his blue eyes shine.!
He was actually shocked when we got to my car.
I felt like giggling- ok, maybe I did a little, looking at his face- yes, you see my car is a beat up old little pick-up truck that a lot of people have in the mountains. Great for hauling things around, good for all roads - mine was a 4 x4 - and generally a good thing. Just old.
Scrapes and dents- used and abused, as they say. But the motor was good, as were all mechanical things- as well as the tires.
That was lost on Kyle.!
He was indignant. Oh so North American Boy. Taken in by shiny trick trucks and toy cars.
My little Hilux was a dud as far as he was concerned.
Ok.. I was fine with that.
Wait till he sees where he is going to spend the next 6 weeks-!

We made good time on the Hiway.
Windows open- hey, 25 + degrees- we did not say too much for a long while.
Kyle was getting comfortable in the truck. It was a little like making friends.
He liked the bench in the front and the little space behind.
Sometimes he would sit next to me, with me shifting between his legs- he smirked every time I went from 3 to 4 or 4 to 5-, sometimes close to the window looking out over the changing landscape, asking questions- make that yelling questions.
When I closed the windows and turned on the air-con-he blinked at me-` you DO have air-con.!`
`Sure, I just don`t like it..`
He hit me.!
Ok, so it was easier to talk- and talk we would have to.
He was a bit of a country boy, having grown up outside of the city, but still.
Maybe this would take a bit longer- I pulled into the rest-area at Santarem.
We sat outside under a big sun-umbrella and had Toasta-Mista with cafÈ for me and water, and Coke for Kyle- I think he was glad they had something he could recognize.

I explained a few of the things that were now sinking in, Kyle looked around him a few times.
He was away from home- FAR away from home.
I told him about the village, the fact that the most he could be frightened by was the silence- that there were no bears or wolves, mountain lions or poisonous snakes that would kill him.
That he would be able to do what he liked, wear what he liked and had no chores- except that I would expect him to pitch in, to listen to me when needed and behave when it was necessary.
And would he be so good to get the package out of the truck, behind the seats-
He went without grumbling- skipping over to the parking lot.
His hair flopping around- we would need to do something about getting it cut, even though it looked stunning- it was just not practical. He did not hear the women at the next table pointing out the `angel`- well, if they had seen him this morning-.. I smirked in devious delight.
He handed me the package and waited.
I unpacked the few items- a small but strong flashlight. A light, but virtually indestructible professional day-pack, bouldering style, small size to fit his back. Water bottle of lightweight carbon. A length of mountaineering rope and carabineers. [ no I do not live that high in the mountains- it was a bit for show of course-] The set of professional walkie-taklie`s- or VHF radios actually-.. and a wooden box.
He held it in his hand.
`Open it, Kyle. It is a present like the others, but more so.!`
His eyes went wide, when he spied the knife that was inside. In it`s own leather pouch, that could be slipped on to a belt, it was `real` knife. 5- blade with a handcrafted grip that was made for a smaller hand. It had `Kyle`s Knife` tooled into it.! Ordering things like this quickly is one of the `other` things one can do on the internet.!
Slipping it out of the pouch, clicking it open, I had to show him how to fold it back up.
He looked at me-almost open mouthed.
` for me..-`
`It says -Kyle`s knife - on it does it not..- I know you will be careful with it, because you are not a baby- but a boy.! And a boy needs a knife.! How else will you be able to carve your walking stick.!`
He was almost going to stroke across the knife edge-. And I almost let him do it.
He smiled up at me from across the plastic table
` Don`t worry- I will be careful.`
`No, you will not always be, and I will worry, Kyle- but you are old enough- in my world.!`

Well I guess that went ok- unfortunately he did not listen any longer after that, about what I had planned for us. NO matter, he would find out.
We got back on the road and soon turned off into the mountains.
Sunshine, a happy boy with a big- knife, a little truck- green hills around us- life can sometimes feel very much like heaven- even if only for a little while.
*

-9-
Mountain roads are like Ocean waves.
You throw yourself into them and they tumble you- smiling.
Only when you learn to `roll with it` will you find the rhythm they pound out- into your body in the waves or the curves of the roads.
Kyle was full of happy excitement. Rolling with the twists of the roads.
Clambering this way and that to get the best view- across the lush valleys.
I came in the back way- and stopped on the scrappy mountain road near the top of one of the hills-:
`on a good day, you can look all the way to the sea from here, Kyle..!`
He was finished peeing into the heather and was now standing close to me- a little apprehensive of the land dropping of a few hundred meters in a steep slope in front of us.
Yeah, no safety railing- this was Portugal.!
It was hot, but up here, there was a little wind- moving warm air around.
He was leaning into me- I felt a moment`s completeness with my arm on his shoulder.

Pensive, that is what I would call the look on Kyle`s face as I parked the truck.
The huddle of houses-some all blocks of stone, some not- on this bend in the road, in this small valley was going to be home for the next while.! We had not passed another town or village for quite a few km .I think I could read his mind-
`want to go home, Kyle..-` I asked in a serious voice.
` yes-.` Ahmm, I had REALLY hoped not to hear that-;` but not yet.! 6 weeks from now.!` He was grinning at me.
`Maybe you can show me where I will be living for the next 6 weeks..-` Ahmmm, I guess I was slow to react.
Just for that, I loaded him up with a lot of gear.!
The lane to my house goes up-hill, did I mention that..!-

We piled everything in front of the gate to my yard. Kyle looking around, trying to figure out what house was which. Yes, my village was a small interlocked group of houses, I have never counted them, but there could not be more than 30 or so. A few larger ones, the rest smallish, 2-storey slate-stone houses. Leaning against each other as if looking for support. Sharing walls, sharing laneways, sharing open places with stone tables and benches.
The afternoon sun was making the heat even more intense.
Kyle was sweating alongside of me, carrying our packs up to the gate.
After the first trip he had taken his t-shirt off.
- you could take all your clothes off..` I joked- well I SAID it jokingly, but I would have loved to see him run around in his birthday-suit:` we are the only people here.!`
Most of the restored properties were summer-houses- that meant MAYBE a weekend visit here or there, but mostly all of August.!
` only US..-` Kyle sounded un-convinced.
`well, tomorrow you go and explore and if you find someone, you let me know..ok.!`
For a moment he looked like he was considering the idea of running around in the buff- then he wandered slowly back down to the truck for the last few things.
I had opened the doors and window to air out the house.
Opened the propane valves for the hot water heater and the stove. Checked on the fridge and the solar venting system. All was well, even cold beer was in the fridge.!
My house is small. A bedroom and bathroom on the lower floor, a living/eating and kitchen on the upper floor with a deck that covered half of the small yard. Stone walls all around- a gate of ornamental iron.
I was watering the Bougainvillea beside the bedroom window/door- each room had a glass-door to the outside- upstairs were two, entrance and door to the deck, when Kyle walked out to stand next to me.
`I sleep in there with you..` it was not a question really, he was making a statement.
Looking up and setting the hose aside, I looked into his eyes.
`You can sleep upstairs on the couch if you would like, Kyle. It is nice and comfortable. It makes a bed as well-.`
` Nahhh- you would be missing me-` he smirked.
`that is right, Kyle- would you miss me.- Or did you bring another teddy-bear.-`
He chuckled.
`There are more plants to water, short one` I said- handing him the hose.
`Not too much, because they did have a drip-water system feeding them water while I was away.` He now needed to explore that first.! Following the little black tubes to all the pots.
Wanting desperately to change the clock to make it `drip`- nada.!
All he was allowed to do was turn it off.
The flagstone courtyard, small but shaded was soon wet.!
Give a boy a hose and he is bound to have water in places not thought off.!
It was warm- almost hot, it was summer- and I had a garden god in my yard.!
Kyle had flung his shorts and underpants in the general direction of his t-shirt on the bed- and was standing proudly naked in the courtyard, watering my plants- ahmm , not only from the hose, but his own hose as well-!
That thing about flowing water and such again, I take it.!
He caught me staring at him-
`YOU said I could..!`
` I did not say- pee on the plants.!` I chuckled...` but yes, you can.`
He was beautiful.

I left him to play and put away the many things that come with us.
Changed into shorts and made space in the closet for Kyle`s things.
Emptied a couple of drawers for him to put `whatever` into, in the bedroom and the bathroom.
Cleared space on the ledge above the bed and on a shelf in the living-room bookcase.

Spaghetti that night for dinner, with things from cans- peas and pesto, chopped tomatoes- no, no meatballs.!
W e had not gone shopping and this was from what the cupboard held.
Kyle was gracious in his criticism of it.
He was quiet anyhow-
Putting his clothes away in almost solemn concentration.
Toothbrush on the sink in the bathroom- he did check out the oversized shower- some toiletries in the drawer I had cleared for him.
Same in the bedroom- bits of things, underwear and socks, t-shirts and sweatshirts- long pants on the hanger with `good` shirt. Electronics- Videogamer and Ipad- batteries and things.
21st century boy.!
I was glad I had at least an internet connection for him.

But here we were doing the dishes and cleaning up-
`You should talk to your mom..no..-`
`Ok-` non-enthusiastic.
I pointed to his Ipad- ` you know what to do, I am sure, you can get your mom on `facetime` from there...`
He did- I went outside with one more glass of red wine.
Laura and I had talked over the last few days.
Of course I had reported that we were safe and sound in Portugal. I did not really want to be part of the conversation. There was time to chat with her some other time.
I went to sit on the deck, in the large out-door couch that was against the stone wall.
The sun was down, but it was still light- that pale, dark blue the sky wraps around itself, before letting the stars puncture it with twinkling brightness.
It is a favourite time for me- relaxing in the cushions, waiting for the stars to appear.
We had eaten earlier than folks here would, but our internal clocks were still a bit off, I ventured.
I was happy to be home. To be inside of my little sanctuary. My stone walls, my lair, my castle.!
It would be an early night again for us, I was sure- maybe.!

Kyle had put on his grey sweatpants and a sweatshirt.
When the sun goes down, it gets cooler quickly in the hills, often dipping almost10 degrees within hours.
Not cold, but you really felt the difference.
I had a couple of blankets laid out for us.
`It is really quiet here-` Kyle sat against the opposite end of the long couch.
`You had a good chat with your mom and dad--`
`NO.!`
Was there more that I should push for, or was he ready to share more if left alone.
His face was crunched up.
`They are nosey.!... And they don`t want me to talk to David.!`
He sniffed.
`But I want to- I have to..!`
I looked at him from across the gulf of three cushions- he looked lost, lonely and small.
`Would you sit with me, Kyle-`
He eyed me suspiciously-
` No, for me, Kyle- it would be nice to have you close on this first night together in my house.!`
Maybe it made sense to him, maybe he was indulging yet another adult--. In any case, he shuffled over. Sat with his back towards my stomach, between my outstretched legs- leaning back. I could not stop my arms from closing around him in a hug.
He shifted back more comfortable now.
` I miss him really bad-` Kyle was sniffling.
I just held him and stroked his tummy and legs- watching the stars blink on above us.
Companionable silence I would call it, as we sat there, eventually I put a light blanket around us.
My hands hand wandered down to Kyle`s middle a few times, but not seriously so.
He was hard or just about so.
`So, is David a Lizard tamer as well--` Kyle snorted and giggled.
`What do you think, Uncle Alan-- We have been friends forever and-` his voice got softer: `we like each other- a lot.!`
`Not love, Kyle..- Seems to me, you love him.`
`When I say that, then it will go bad again-!`
I held him a little closer.
`You are now with me, Kyle- in my castle.! You are safe and you can say what you like and do most things you like.`
He looked around into my face.
I nodded.
`Ok- so I love him. But he loves me more, I think.!` That seemed to make it ok somehow to say it. ` He knows more-` I raised my eyebrows-` you know, about sex and what to do.!`
Kyle was thinking about things- his dick was getting that steely hardness again under my hand. There were those involuntary hunches as well, pressing it into my hand.
`He finally let me come along- and then it all got bad.!`
Hmmm- I think I got it.
But right now was not the time to test my theories with him.
He had turned around, laying face to face on me- my hand trapped in between us, right where he wanted it, so it seemed.
`David said it was different with a man- it was, but I never did it all the way, like he did- well except with HIM of course. I wanted to try it--.`
I let him keep the pace of telling me what it was he wanted- although I had a fair idea.
But that is not where we ended up.
`My lizard needs taming REALLY badly` Kyle smiled at me a little flushed.:
`want me to kiss you first..-`
`thank you for asking-and yes- kissing is very nice.!` He kept grinning at me-pressing himself more into my hand, `but maybe I will kiss you first, ok.-`
He nodded quickly.
I rolled him on his back under me- the sofa was wide and soft with cushions.
The blanket under him, making it even more so.
I pulled his sweatshirt off him- he helped. I knew he would be warm enough from all that heat inside of him. Then down and off came his pants, careful, because I knew he did not have underwear on underneath- his `Lizard` slapped rudely but excitingly against his heaving belly.
My hands stroked soft skin- all over.!
He had closed his eyes- looking all the angel he was, with a big erection.!
I kissed his belly, his chest and his neck.
He stayed twitchingly still- little licks across his upper lip. He was concentrating on the feelings. The little flashes of something he liked immensely and wanted more of.
My finger teasing his nipples up, brought a little hiss of exhaling- his neck tight and head bent up to the stars.
`I want you to let it out, Kyle- the noise and the motions. Here we are alone, so you can yell and scream if you want.`
He did not reply. My tongue was playing with his ear- while my hand had bent his leg out and was brushing along the inside of it, from the hollow of his knee to his crunched up ball-sack.
I kissed him on his temple-then moved his head towards me.
My lips closed over his- he lifted up slightly, his mouth opening with a moaning sound and his tongue trying to get between my lips into my mouth. I did not let him.
He withdrew- eyes opening. I sucked on his lips.
My hand was circling his stomach, dipping between his legs that were open wide by now.
My other hand had been holding his arm- I let my fingertips glide down the inside of his arm.
Usually he would be ticklish there, but his body was a little busy processing all the other sensations- he moaned.
I bent down to his belly- where his erection was quivering- and kissed his glans..
`Ahhh-` he wailed louder than before. Good.! He had heard me.
`More- ` he pleaded, but my mouth was on his now. I wanted him to know that I was doing the driving tonight.!
He was searching for entrance to my mouth with his lips again- I did not give it to him. His tongue slid across my teeth. He felt so nice in my hands and arm- on my lips.
He wanted more and his hunching had found a rhythm already.
I slipped my hand around his lizard. He moaned and hunched. My other hand held his neck and my lips mashed against his as his moaning mouth was open, I squeezed my hand around his dick and shoved my tongue into his mouth, sealing my lips against it.
He hunched up again, he moaned into my mouth, he struggled to find some place he did not get to yet- while I toyed with his tongue and his teeth. While my hand held his neck and head up against me and my other hand was giving short strokes to his dick, pressing his ball on the down-stroke. He struggled- twitching and moving his head and body to find more of those feelings. To keep the control he was losing to my hands and mouth.
I let him breathe more for a second-
`More please- faster- more-` He was not able to really speak, just words that spit out of his mouth. I let my fingernails rasp across his taunt ball-sack..
`YESSS-` he bucked and squirmed against me.
`Then let it go, Kyle- let go-.`
My mouth on his sealed off any answer. I sucked his tongue into my mouth and held it with my lips, playing against it`s tip with mine.
My arm held him closer now- a little sideways, so my other hand could work on `taming` his lizard. Which it did, but I did not let him get into a rhythm. Changing grips and sometimes forcing him to be still by squeezingly holding his dick down.
He struggled against it- against me. Against - well, himself.
Breathing was hard for him as he was still trying to get his breath through his mouth.
`Let it go, you are safe- I love you- let it go-`
He was looking into my eyes- drilling into them more like.
I did not let him answer. But kissed him again. Slipping my tongue into his mouth and caressing his neck.
Letting my hand flutter over his twitching dick- caressing him.
He finally got it--- but it was not easy for him. His eyes had tears in it.
I kept kissing him- he struggled for breath- I kept stroking his lizard.
Those tears would dry and be replaced by joy in a few minutes.
He moaned and wailed- loud!
He bucked against me- almost as if he wanted to throw me off, but I held him close- and stroked him, kissed him and loved him deeply.
He let go- and was shivering under me.
Sucking my tongue in his mouth- making love to it. Moaning.
Hunching against my hand slowly, his legs twitching.
He let go- and let me love him.
Taming his lizard.


We tamed that lizard good that night.!
It kept resisting and rearing up, but we tamed it good..!
On the couch outside it was now something that needed to come quickly- ok, how do two minutes sound.-
Kyle bucked and yelled and pleaded for the world to stop and go on more and more at the same time. Moaning and hissing in short urgent thrusts, as I sent him flying with strokes around his helmet and down his crease to his hole.
Biting his nipples softly and massaging his tensing neck.
Blast-off.!
He came buckets-- well, in his mind anyhow.!
There was the infinitely small wetness that comes with boys this age- I did not tell him.
But rubbed it across his head with my thumb, together with my spit from kissing him there.
We stayed, locked arms around us for a while.
Listening to the silence around us. The buzzing of the stars.

`Thank you, Kyle- for your trust.` He looked away- then back to me.
`I love you, a little -`he smirked.
`Well, how about we go and make love then-` he frowned a little, thinking- but that unruly lizard was already on the rise again..
`Yeah- love me please..`
He giggled a bit and jumped out of my arms, running down the stairs- I could see him flopping on the bed when I got up to lock the gate.
Close the house, turn off the lights- take a leak- and stand at the end of the bed, marveling at the beautiful boy spread out on it, arms folded behind his neck, legs akimbo, smiling at me expectantly.

*
-10-

Kyle had of course gotten his wish.
This was my house, after all- what do they call it..: my domain.!
With it came the rights and privileges- and the chores and responsibilities.
This night, it was my privilege to be able to make love to a boy who was as excited as I was.
That is right- even 60 year old men can get excited.!
He was not even 12- so not even one fifth of my age. Not even one full cycle of his being.
But he glowed with excitement and shone in anticipation.
Having just recently let go of something inside of him, that was holding him back- he was now ready.
Well he told me so, although I was not about to put that to the test this night.
What we were going to do was to tame that pesky lizard between his legs-. Ahmmm, and mine.!
Kyle was flushed with excitement, having pulled himself to the edge of the bed, sitting there six inches from me undressing.
His voice was husky with desire or excitement at least:` you are going to let me hold him--!` It came out like a statement within the question.
But I was going to go a little past that..: I want you to kiss him and lick him and make him spit.!`
Kyle`s eyes were wide- he looked up at me.
He swallowed- liking his lips unconsciously- a shiver passing across his skin, leaving goose-bumps---.. `Ok.`
His voice was soft, deep-a little far away.
His hands were shaking just a little- reaching for my cock, that was staring him in the face.
His dick had gone limp, curving gracefully over his full ball-sack between his legs.
For a moment I was asking myself if he was ready for this--..
That thought drained away, when his small hand touched me.
`It is big.!`
`Well thank you, but no- we have talked about this, Kyle-`
` well, I think it is big-` he was closing his hand around it. `and I like it-.`
What exactly he liked was something I was not going into right now- as he was doing things to me- mainly making me weak in the knees- by slowly pulling my skin back from my glans and up again. I think they call it masturbation--- I call it heaven.!
A young boy, with luscious lips, moist from frequent passes of his little tongue- soft hands with surprising strength and agility on ones cock.!
Well ok- let me take a breath, guys.
He sniffed at it-. What the hell is it with boys and smelling stuff..-
I swear they are more like puppies that stick their noses up each other`s bum- oh- well..ok now, I was not saying that I would-not, but hey-. Ok, ok I`ll stop.!
I moaned loud when he licked across my head.
He looked up and smiled.
` I think this big old lizard needs taming too-`
`Well, are you a `big-old-lizard tamer` then, my young knight.-` I breathed at him.
The answer was swift-
Holding my cock in both hands, he swallowed my head.!
Licking around it inside of his mouth with his tongue, he knew he had me in the palm of his hand-ok, ok- sounds nice, no.-
I picked him up and threw him back on to the bed- crawling over him.
His arms came around my neck- his mouth to mine.
He moaned softly, I more loudly.
I laid down on him- almost- keeping a little support on my knees.
He curved his hips up to mine- rubbing his dick against mine in small jabs. Of course it was hard again- he had only had to blink and it went from soft to hard.!
My arm underneath his neck, the other playing with his nipples.
I wanted to take what was not mine- yet- or maybe never. Yes, I am a monster.!
I wonder if he would have objected..-! I think not.
But I did- in that ever shrinking rational part of my brain.
I licked in long swipes across his belly.
He was still holding my cock- not giving up his toy it seemed.
The thrusting into his hand was as natural as his hunching up to meet it.
The panting was as sweet for him as it was for me- looking into his face that was shiny with delight of the unspeakable kind.!
I folded his legs frog-fashion up against him, leaning over them so he could not move any longer- lifting his arms high over his head-together at the wrist-restraining him with one hand- stretching him lean. Kissing him- fluttering kisses on his face, his ears, his neck- all the time his head was following me-
I stroked down his sides, the inside of his trapped legs.. his neck.
He was moaning and twitching in spasms.
My one free hand was helping with pulling on my cock- teaching him the rhythm I liked., his thumb on the underside where the band pulls the glans to the shaft- his hand speeding up-then slow and soft.
I was kissing him hard- open mouth, invading his mouth and sucking his tongue deep into mine, trapping it with my teeth. My fingers on his chest- his nipples, his balls- running deep into his crack and sliding around his anus without entering.
He was panting, squirming- he wanted to cum so badly-
`Please- love me, make me- go.!`
- NO, Kyle, I am not going to let you go- I am going to make you cum.! So let it go, Kyle- let it go and cum for me- come to me.!`
He was gasping, stammering now-`cum, make me cum-please-. Please.!`
He was seriously groaning now- humping into me, with the small amount of movement left to him-.
- oh please-. He was wailing a bit more..as my finger found his hole again-
He wanted to get away, he wanted to stay and have it in him- panting he tried to push against my finger.
`No, Kyle- not tonight-`
`please-.. ohh-. Fuck me.!` The obscenity was fitting, he was a shameless angel withering and wanting to cum-badly so.!
- I will, my boy-I will-.but not tonight-!` He twitched.
`Tonight, you are going to tell me who you are-` I stroked his wrinkled tight ball sack. Pinching it lightly. He wanted to move. All his muscles were twitching now- he needed to move and I was not letting him- holding him closed inside of his body.
Locked to a tortures pleasure-
`What are you, Kyle--`
He bubbled:` Kyle- ` he repeated his name and address, like any good child had learned at age four.!
- NO.! What are you, Kyle..-!`
I pushed my cock against his twitching one again and again..
` I ..I - don`t know- ohhh-more please.!`
I was stretching his balls out-
` You are a --`
`Boy..-!`
He hissed at me-
`Yes..and you are my--`
`Boy.-`
My finger was circling his hole-. Making him squirm.
`Say it Kyle- !`
`I am your boy..!` he stammered out-
- and I am-.. your--`
`Man-you are -!`
He was yelling and moaning as my finger pushed slowly past his sphincter.!
I was humping his cock- wanted to cum badly now myself- hunching, but this needed to be done -now.!
`I am--`
He was almost crying- in a small sing song voice he was keening-
`you are a man--.!`
This was indeed the litmus test in some way.
A boy has to give up something to make this transition.
There were more tests to come- but if I was NOT it- then we would stop now.
` you are a man-`
Yes, I am.
He was a little lost--.
My finger was pushing on that thing inside of him- he could not stop twitching, humping- and that man above him, and that big cock in his hand- he wanted it and hated it.
He hated wanting it-.
`Let it go-. My boy.!`
His head was rocking from side to side-. Yes, a young boy can feel that much.!
I am a monster, I know- I have seen boys go delirious- have had boys loose it in a shiver while my cock was still inside of them- had boys shed big tears and scream at me to go on.!
Yes- I know- the worlds has changed. Of course this is no longer true.
Oh how we sacrifice the truth on the altar of the day, to the conscience of the now.!
Kyle was cuming- or at least he was so close, I would not be able to back him off again.
` You are MY man--. Ahhhhmmmm-!`
He was bucking- I was holding him tight.
My finger deep in his ass- my mouth on his, his hand strangling my cock.!
He shivered though his orgasm- wailing loudly.
His dick twitching again..and again.!
Yes- I took his hand, inside of mine, and whipped it up and down my straining cock-
He was all flopped back and panting- when I painted his stomach and dick with streaks of jism. Came all over him- while he was defenseless in the afterglow of his own `one-ness` with the cosmos.
` I love you, little one.!` I breathed in his ear.
He did not respond- nor did I figure he would.
I rolled him over on top of me, as I laid down on the bed. This takes it out of an old man- really.!
My cum was slippery between us. He did not seem to mind.
He was breathing steady- I knew he was not asleep. He was thinking. I knew.
I could smell it.
`Yes, Kyle- I love you. You are my boy,- now, here for this time.!`
He turned his head away from me.
` Today I painted you with my cum-` he was shivering a little, I held him closer..: ` soon I will fuck you,- if you still want to-` a big twitch of uncertainty -` this will always be part of us now.!`
He looked up- into my eyes-: `will you stop if it hurts me..-` he had fear in his eyes.
` Well absolutely, Kyle- you are my boy.! I would do nothing to hurt MY boy.!`
` I know there is some pain- David told me- but it goes away. And then it feels good.!`
He was still looking at me.
- we can stop now, my boy, if you want to--!`
-NO-!` he was quick.

I held him to me-- let`s go and wash up, ok-.-!`
I lifted him into my arms, when I sat up. Kept him in my arms when I got up to stand and walked to the bathroom with Kyle clamped on to me. Arms around my neck, legs around my hips.
Big boy- so small- so mine.!
I let the water reach the right temperature.
Stepped under it with my beautiful boy in my arms-
He sighed- and held on closer- warm water raining over us-
He was sighing again.
` You are my man--` It was a question-
`Yes, Kyle,` I said softly, `because we have to make choices. We have to trust. We have to love- because without love it is no good.!`
He slid down to his feet standing close to me under the spray.
`Mine-` he said, as if to himself.
` Yours- ` he smiled up at me.

I washed his back, his kegs, his bum- his chest and his pesky lizard too.!
All of his beautiful body.
Sloshing water over him from washing his hair- and mine.
He looked shiny and new. Wet, luscious and desirable.
He smiled at me.
Got down on his knees and took my cock in his mouth. Well- no, old man..remember.!
Kyle was smirking when it lifted up.
`Mine..!` he was clear.!
He was sure he had worked it out.
`Yes, when I let you, my boy.! And right now is sleep time.!`
He looked down on himself- lizard at attention.!
Oh well, a man`s work is never done.!
I wrestled with that lizard for a while- but a finger deep inside of Kyle`s hole, pressing on a part of him that he had not known was there, did the trick.!
He buckled and panted and was well and truly done for the night.
I dried him and he was fading from the nice rubbing of his body- and was asleep when I laid him down on the bed and had pulled the covers over him.

I wish I could have found sleep so easily.
I had walked a young boy out on to the spring-board of life tonight, again.
Now I was responsible for him making the jump that could safe him, I hoped.
The edge is a very small place to make a life.
One way or the other you end up losing this thing or the other.
I knew I would lose him.
I do get sentimental about it- yes, every time.
How do you get used to losing what you love.-
You sometimes, by uncertain circumstance and cosmic intervention, get it right and are at the right time at the right place in the right frame of mind- and you have to give it all up- when.-
A day, a week, a year- what does it matter-the pain is always the same.
Partly because there is nobody to share it with- well at least very few people. If at all.
It is getting more and more solitary out here.
This boy in my arm will walk away as he must.
I want him to.
I want him to say good-bye- leave and make it for himself somewhere, somehow.!
The boy in my arm will leave me in less than 6 weeks-
A short time-
I chuckled- there were times I was desperate enough to buy `short-time ` boys in places that do not exist.! I am a monster after all- allowed to do monstrous things.! Even if the pain inside is mine forever.!
The boy in my arm will leave me in less than 6 weeks and he needs to be whole.!
He needs to have lived and died the sweet `little death`, and know the difference.!
He needs to be one with himself- because that is my mission- impossible as it seems.
It is not about my friends, his parents-. It is about this boy-who is breaking apart on the rocks of his world.! I need to make him strong and ship-shape.! So he can sail his little boat of happiness following the lighthouse beacon he sees.
He hungers for someone else. That is ok with me- I have learned to live with it.
What I can give him is the tools to know his hunger, so it does not eat him up. ! No, I would venture a guess, it will never go away completely. Well-. Really I had not enough information on all of this to say that.
Maybe he was one of the lucky ones that found the one thing, the one person that made him whole.! My wishes were only small comfort.
My arms were better for now- to comfort the boy- MY boy, close to me.
He seemed so abandoned to his sleep.
So all over me.
I can not help but feel sad- in my happiness.

There is little time- not because of me, this time.
Because of a flight going west in less than 6 weeks.
Little time to put a little man back on his track.
After taking him down to - well, I was unsure where we were going.
I wish I would be able to say I was-. But I was not.!
For me it was a stumbling towards where I FELT it was.
The key to THIS boy`s lock-box of fears.
Yes, I was going a way that was not part of the world- but was he still part of the `world`.!
Surely not.
Maybe my friend Laura was wise without knowing- that is the mark of saints, you know.!
He needed something, and yes- they were not able to give it to him.!
They were however complicit in making him carry his burden----..!
I fell asleep full of unanswered questions.

*
-11-
Sunshine.
The morning heating up already. It was going to be very warm- this was to be that way for most of Kyle`s stay with me.
After running off to drain his lizard, he had jumped back into bed after looking out the window-door and announced gleefully that he was going to go naked ALL day.
I chuckled.
Given the chance, most boys will naturally be nudists. It is partly the dare and partly their nature I think. However, since we were still going to have to go shopping for `meat` and such and I was not going to leave Kyle here by himself yet, there was going to be some clothes on him at some time today.
But for now he was outside in nothing but his birthday suit and watering the plants again.
With the garden hose this time.

Breakfast on the deck with Kyle still naked.
He had even ventured to the little square at the end of the lane and looked around- only to dash back into the yard, chased by the sound of a car passing on the road outside the village.!
I had coated him with sun-screen, as there were a few parts that had not seen the sun so much.!
Kyle was all for taming his lizard, when it looked up at him, but I proposed breakfast and that was even better. For him anyhow- I got to watch my boy eating like I had been starving him, while his lizard was doing little morning exercises it seemed. Up and down, jumping a bit and being a right old/young distraction.
When Kyle was off again exploring dressed in only sandals, after some warnings from me about the brambles everywhere outside in the underbrush, I managed to get some mail done and shopping planed. I knew I would not get away without a grill- so I added that to the list, ever growing-!
He must have looked at every house- some were still ruins of old stone and wood-, because he was gone a long while and I was getting a bit worried that he may have fallen through an old floor or such.
But suddenly a gloriously naked, sweaty boy wandered into the yard, a stick in his hand and a smile on his face.
` hot..-` He was-. Very hot- in all meanings of the word.!
I got to spray water over him from the garden hose, making him even more shiny.!

All the way to the supermarket, 20 km away, he was full of stories about what he had seen.
Smiling and happily pointing out things he saw.
My little truck was much more ok too- as he would sometimes let the twists in the road slide himself close to me- next to me, so that he could crunch me and laugh.
`Mine..!`
He looked up at me-, kneeling on the seat in the parking lot.
` Yours`-. He leaned in for a quick hug.
`My lizard needs taming-` he whispered into my ear.
` Well, my boy, you better keep him confined until we get back to the house- I had planned on taming that little beast after lunch.!`
There was a definite bounce in the boy`s walk- around the aisles, loading up on things.
Loading it all into the back of the truck.
Driving back to the village- Kyle was adjusting himself in his shorts a few times.
I could almost smell his hornyness.!
` You better tell that lizard of yours that, right after lunch, I am going to tame him something fierce.! He is not going to be able to stand up for a while.!`
Kyle was practically doubling over in delight- squeezing the front of his shorts, singing along to music on the radio.
Men challenge boys- boys challenge men. Men like me, anyway.!
It is a dance. A courtship of little punches and squeezes. A play of words and play of eyes.
Little- and big tongues getting too busy, sliding around on lips that always seem dry, at times like this. Of husky voices, saying silly things- all meant to say: look at me I am here, I am ready- I want-. Well even if they do not know what they want yet, they WANT.!
Kyle knew what he wanted.
He was leaning against me on the last few km- on that high road we came the first day.
Me shifting gears between his legs- him now grabbing my cock in my pants and telling me:
`Mine-`
He was almost making us tumble down the mountain, but I surely was tumbling inside-
This boy- I had made him MY boy last night, was coming into his own quickly.
` Yours-` he was kissing me on my ear.
I stifled a moan- not sure why.
He giggled.

` I will show you- my boy.!`
I tried to sound hard, menacing even-. Growling for good measure.
And all it got me was a little tongue in my ear.!
I braked hard.
His tongue was in my mouth- my hand squeezing his bum.
`ok, ok- my horny boy-` I more or less stammered, ` we have to get home, have lunch and then-`
`Why-`
`Because I am what--` I demanded
He flinched a little- backing away a little
`Man-, mine-` he could not say it yet- he did in other ways, but not words.
`Well-` I let it go this time:` that is why I am keeping you safe.! You are my boy and I will make you feel so good you are going to want more-, but not here.!`
I laughed- he relaxed- ` if we drive down the mountain sideways- how far do you think we will get.-`
He acquiesced.
Lay down on the seat- head in my lap, feet out the open window.
I let it go- we were alone I was sure, on this part of the mountain road- and whoever might be passing would not care.!
`Can I take my clothes off-.` Well, he was only wearing shorts and t-hirt-ok, sandals.
`Sure- if you want.`
He was naked in a flash- lazily pushing his lizard around, who of course thought it was `show-time` and made himself big and stiff.
` Why is it good with some people and not good with others-` And just why do boys ask the deepest questions in sweet lilting voices-!-
`Even if you are doing the same thing..-` ok, ok- any more..-
He was quiet.
I was thinking-. He looked up at me-
` Did you love the coach, Kyle-`
He was quiet- ` No.`
`David did-does, I guess.!`
`But you wanted to do `things` with him..-`
His lips were pressed together.
`Yes-, because of David.`
`David..-`
`He did not want me to go with him, at first.. you know---.. ` his voice was becoming soft and distant, he was back there, wherever this coach`s house was.
` I saw them doing it. David did not want me to- but the coach, he did. So- I had to get naked and then the coach did David-`
`DID David--` Kyle looked at me like I was stupid.
`Yes, he fucked him. That was what David liked best anyhow.`
There was disappointment in his voice.
` He always wanted to get fucked.`
I was silent- there was more- I was sure of that. If it was going to come out today- that I was not sure of. It did.!
` That is why he made Dad fuck him too-` Kyle`s voice was very soft. His hand was covering his dick, legs pulled up.
He looked up at me-` so why does it.-`
John had never -`pinged` me that way. I was pretty sure he was more or less hetero and happy with that- but there was that porn thing and the therapy. Maybe my sensors were just getting old and rusty.
`So what you are saying, Kyle, is- it was good with David-` He nodded `-but not good with the coach or your dad..-`
He nodded again. Confirmation on the thing John had said.
Kyle had had at least tried to have sex with his father. My bet now was that they did.
`This is not about fucking..right.-` He nodded again.
I had stopped on the side of the road way up on the mountain.
Looking out from my window, I could see the hills rolling off into the distance. Somewhere out there in the haze was the sea.
`There has to be a little love, Kyle- I think I said this before actually- that I love you..` He looked into my eyes from below, but did not smile-:` the coach maybe loved David. Your dad loves you-but differently ` he nodded-` and all there is to talk about really is- who does Kyle love.-`
`David.!`
`Not the coach- and not your dad, in that same way-right.-`
`Yes.`
Oh those wonderful concise answers of one word or less.!
` You.!`
Kyle was not moving- his eyes on mine, still from my lap.
` I think you love me a little, Kyle- and you LIKE what we do a LOT.! And that is ok. As long as you feel a little love in your heart for who you are doing things with.!`
`So if I love you, it will feel good..-`
Ahhhhh-. I knew now where this was going.
He was worried about the fucking part.
`Kyle, I will only do what you ask me to do- and we will do it because we love each other- a little bit.!`
He had rolled over on to his stomach- face into my stomach-looking up.
I was softly stroking his back and his bum.
`What if I wanted it..-`
-I know you want to Kyle, and I will--.. fuck you. When you are ready. Not today.!`
I started the truck again- rolling it down the road towards my village.
Towards home.

We unloaded the food and things we had bought. Sweated up the lane and put things away.
Kyle starting the little electric BBQ for a lunch feast of burned meat.
He had found the selection a bit staggering- he had not thought that maybe people ate meat around here. Well-. They do.! In massive quantities.!
So he was dazzled by what he could choose from and in the end settled for a type of hot-dog sausage. I told him it would be spicy- as most things were around here. He smiled at me and said it was good if it was. It was so good- he had two.!
I had salad.! With some cheese.
There seemed to be a little bulge in his tummy, when we finished.

` Lock the gate-` I handed him the keys. `I will be downstairs-.`
The bedroom door/window was open- he came in that way- closing the curtain behind him.
It made a nice soft glow in the room.
`Snooze..-`
He crawled up on the bed- than up on me.
`My man-` it was VERY softly.
`My boy.!`
We held each other close- and fell asleep it seemed.
It was a little cooler in the bedroom and at one point I had pulled the sheets over us.
Kyle was snoring softly next to me.
I drifted off again-
- and felt his hand closing around my cock.

I actually slept for half an hour- then waking up into that dozing half-sleep of pleasant unfocused-ness listening to the heat outside the door.
The curtain was moving in small limp wafts of warm air.
Sunlight was a glow of yellow in the shaded room in my house.
Kyle`s hand had long left my penis.
It seemed strange but calming to watch him sleep.
The cover was pushed off us by little feet. He was on his side turned away from me. Curve of bum delightfully made even more sexy by the one leg thrown over the other, tucked up.
Leaving me to wonder at his soft, extended by the warmth, scrotum. His small but defined balls moving around in it at times, by some will of their own it seemed.
He turned on to his back, arms splayed wide, legs open.
Breathing deeply- evenly.
I kissed his belly lightly- his chest and licked over his nipples- before moving my mouth over his hard dick. Yeah- one of those fantasies of making love to a sleeping boy-!
Here it was- he did not wake up for some time.
I was lavishing big love on his dick- it was twitching and his balls were now crunched up against his body- giving me even greater access to the ridge between his legs- to his crack.
His hands found my head-`Yessss-.`he hissed softly.
`This is a good dream.!`
He was twirling my few hairs in his fingers- `More please..`
I moved around to between his legs ad lifted them up towards his face- letting my tongue follow the crease from his tight ball-sack into his crack- to his hole.
He twitched when I pushed his cheeks apart and my tongue found his wrinkled entrance- or was it exit.1-
I have yet to meet a boy that does not like to be rimmed- Kyle was no exception. He hissed and moaned at the treatment of my tongue in and around his hole. Disgusting- I know.!
But oh so nice.! Just ask Kyle.
After endless minutes he was pleading for me to put something more in there- I indulged him.
My middle finger, slicked up with more spit made it`s way into him, while he shuddered.
`Ahhhh-..` his bum wiggled and he hunched to get away from my finger, only to push back on it a second later.
I went up between his legs for some serious lizard taming.
His eyes were closed, mouth open- breathing heavy.
Lost to the sensations in him.
He looked beautiful.
All quivering lust and anticipation.
I sucked his glans into my mouth- `OHHHH--..!` down the short, hard shaft with my lips. Up with my teeth on his soft skin-finger pressing forward into his belly.
He wailed and thrashed- `YESSS.!`
I worked up a nice little rhythm- Kyle as well... his were moans and grunts. I added a second finger once he was dilated enough. He bucked at the pressure-then clenched- then sighed and smiled lopsidedly.
`Yes- make me big and open and fuck me-` his husky voice was full of knowledge that he should have not had- did he have it in fact.-
Slightly twisted his nipple and sucked him into my mouth deeply, letting my fingers and tongue do the talking- in a minute he was panting and quaking.!
Riding an orgasm that was strong and half a dozen contractions long.
I left my fingers in him. My mouth on him-just keeping very still- waiting for the shivering to stop.
He held on to my head. Keeping it pressed against his middle.
But his lizard was not ready to give up the fight- he had lost some of his steely hardness- but once the pressure from Kyle`s hands on my head was gone- I licked across his helmet again-under his rim and down his shaft.
He moaned pushing his hips up- Then down on to my fingers, still deep inside of him.
I knew I would need more lubrication on my way to get him ready to take more up his bum- to get him ready to accept me into him in the near future.
All there was close by was hand-cream- well it had to do.!
I kissed my way up his body to his lips- he sighed when they closed on his tongue which was pushed out between them.
Rolled sideways, one of his legs up over my hip- my fingers coated in Vaseline Body Milk- I could not help a chuckle- I pushed them into his ass again. He was still relaxed back there, so except for a momentary struggle with his sphincter I slid them all the way in again. Both of them.
Kyle moaned and hunched his dick against my cock- `Your fingers are big-` He settled into the rhythm of my invasion:` I - `he hesitated:` I don`t mind- it feels ok.`
I was holding him close to me and kissing his neck and ear.
This was my boy talking himself through the part that makes it possible for him to go further.
His lizard was twitching against my cock- it felt so very nice to have this softness hard against me.
Here was my boy hunching, pushing crunching for another release of that tension inside of him..those feelings that were beginning to make his face flushed and shiny with lust.
But this time his eyes were open- looking at me.
Breathing in those shallow quick gasps that followed my stabs at his insides-he was more panting than breathing- racing towards the only thing that mattered now.
`more- ohh- ` yes, I knew he would want more.!
Had deliberately kept away from pushing that little button inside of him- left his prostate aside and keeping my strokes inside of his hot ass short.
`more-.. pleeaasse- I want to go-`
` then cum for me, my boy-` I pushed in deep and forward towards his belly, making him press even closer to me and pushing the little button.
He wailed- eyes wide open, then squeezing them shut and shaking.
I held him tight, while he humped himself forward against my cock, his dick twitching in spasms and back onto my fingers that were pushing against the spot inside of him that made the fireworks go off-!
Kyle slumped against me, his head on my neck- all tension drained-only twitches of residual sparks of feelings left- as my fingers left him and his hole slowly winked shut.
Cleaning off the little wetness between his cheeks and my fingers with my underwear, which was beside the bed, I held Kyle close to me.
He had fallen asleep, by the time I laid him down and covered him with the sheet.

I had made myself coffee and was sitting on the deck, when a sleepy headed, beautiful boy stumbled into my lap on the couch.
`Hey-` I kissed him on the head.
`hey too..` he smiled back at me-` you tamed that lizard good today. I think he will be asleep for a long time.`
I laughed- `not if some boy has anything to do with it, I will bet.`
Kyle smirked at me but didn`t reply.
` Let`s go and explore some more- so you know a bit more about where you are Kyle.`
He jumped up- `Yes- can I go naked..-`
`Sure, but there may be people out there-` I Laughed.
He agreed to long khaki pants, shoes and a shirt- although that ended up in my small knapsack as soon as we got 500 yards outside of the village.
We went up the hill towards the abandoned village that was on top of it. Only the chapel remained in tact- everything else was ruins of stone houses. I thought Kyle would enjoy this as a treat after trekking a few km up the mountains.
He did- very much so.
This was adventuring and he was a boy- all boy.!

*
-12-

We had cookies and water from my knapsack on the steps of the chapel.
Kyle went off to find a walking-stick- and to mess around in the ruins a bit.
I dozed in the shade.
He had left his clothes with me. I knew we were not going to run into anybody else up here.
I also knew that if Kyle insisted on running around the village naked he sooner or later would run into Luciano, the care-taker person for the council, who fixes walls and builds things when needed-and who also had a summer-house in the village.
But Luciano would do no more than laugh at a naked boy- he was my age and we sometimes had coffee on my steps or one of those mini beers they sell here. He had grown up here and I was sure that as a boy he had spent enough times naked in the woods or the river- and I am sure his sons had as well.

Kyle had found not one, but half a dozen sticks..!
It was not lost on me that here was a beautiful naked boy standing beside a chapel, looking a bit like a wood-spirit.!
Kyle insisted- and so I wandered back down the mountain to the village with a naked wood-spirit by my side. Chattering and at times running off to look at something or find another bloody stick.!
By the time we were back at the house, I was carrying almost a dozen sticks- funny thing was, Kyle only had one.!! How does that happen.-
I told Kyle to test the sticks- he looked at me frowning- and showed him where he could brace one between deck and wall so he could hang from it- a good walking stick will have no problems carrying your weight. A couple of them I had discarded already as to old or too weak- so soon enough I had a boy hanging from a makeshift trapeze.!
Of course after sorting out some that were not good- the final test was hanging from it up-side down..! NO, I had NOT told him that.
But it was funny to see him hanging there in the yard, a little like a small animal that had been hunted and killed- hanging before becoming dinner. He did look good enough to eat, that is for sure.
It has always been a wonder of sorts to me- one minute you have high passion sex with a boy- what all the world would see not only as an abomination, but as entirely adult only, a willing participant or instigator in a torrent of lovemaking - and an hour later he is playing like the boy he is.
Given the chance, I was certain, Kyle would happily push toy cars around for a bit.
Well, in some way sex was only another exiting play for him-despite or even because it involved so many good feelings from his body that were usually not permitted to him.

I had retired to the couch on the deck with one of those mini beers.
`Me too- please.!-`
Kyle was sitting on the wall that fenced my yard- looking thirstily at my beer.
The sun was going down -but slowly so. We would eat outside of course. Some sort of burned meat for Kyle, of course- and nice tasty vegetables for me- sorry.!
And yes..I know the old joke- about feasting on raw chicken..!
`Ok-you can have this one, if you get me another-` he was into the fridge by now and back in double time. Piss on all those hypocrites that will have all kinds of sex with boys, but oh no- we can`t have them have any beer or such- better still those found writing about things like this, who then go on to pontificate about how wrong it all is and that they would never and oh the sweet innocent young darlings- I want to barf when I read it. Two-faced bastards.
Kyle was happily suckling on his mini bottle of beer. I am sure he did not like the taste so much. And did what every boy does, when in this situation- belched a deep, heart-stopping belch.!
I rolled my eyes in disgust and smiled- he had a giggle fit. `Ok that`s it- no wine with dinner for you-` He tried to be serious- `Wine- why not-`
` Oh don`t whine about it-` He broke into giggles again.
`You are soo funny, Uncle Alan-`
` Well, you might get drunk and then want to have sex with me or something-` I winked at him.
He went into another giggle fit and grabbed his lizard, who had become interested in the conversation and stood up to have a word.
` Now- none of that, Lizard boy- I am still worn out from the last time.!`
Kyle had that glint in his eyes again. A boy and his lizard- a big head and a little head. Thinking the same.!
Using the age-old diversion, proven to be boy-proof I offered: ` Pork-chops on the grill with French-fries..-`
We did have wine with dinner- Kyle`s was a `Spritzer`- my mind was doing terrible things with that- meaning red wine with lots of club soda in it. Fizz works.
Working together works as well, as Kyle learned. Dishes are done by hand in my house.
Cleaning is done by us- no cleaning-lady or automatic dishwasher here.
He was now dressed in his sweats, as the night coolness was slowly reaching around all the houses and doused the still radiating stones.
Sitting outside enjoying the temperature drop from hot to warm- I watched him tap around on his Ipad. He was not really into it, that was obvious. I was nursing my glass of red wine and thinking about where we needed to go, what we needed to talk about, but not sure where to start. Just how much did Laura actually know about Kyle`s adventures.- Or David`s for that matter.- Yes, in regards to John.
I had the niggling feeling that she knew all about it. That she knew all, but not what to do about it. That `therapy` was her way of dealing with something that obviously had not gone away. In fact, it was now more `clearer` than ever, that this was something that needed much more `therapy`- and that was, what I was to do with Kyle.-
I watched him pad across the deck in his socks, sweat-pants hanging low on his bum, showing his crease in the front- those lines that taper to his sex, from his hips.
Yes, in the end she trusted me with him- in a way she did not trust her husband--- well, that one, she wanted for herself, it seemed. And I was to fuck her son into giving up sex- well at least with her husband. I was shaking my head.
Kyle had hopped up on the couch with both feet and walked himself on his knees between my outstretched legs. He leaned on me, his hands on my thighs- looking at me.
`what are you thinking about, Uncle Alan..-` I had not offered him any other way to address me except `my man`- and was not about to.
` I am thinking, Kyle, that you do not talk to your mom enough-` He wrinkled his forehead..
`NOW--` clearly, he was not in the mood.
`Well, I was thinking more about sometime soon- after all, you are here with me a few days now already.`
`They know I am safe- with you.! He had crawled up and was laying on me, looking into my face.
I gathered him in a big comfortable hug that he relaxed into immediately.
`Safe is what you are, my boy.!`
I slipped my hands into his sweatpants and stroked the soft curves of his bum- I knew he was naked underneath from the tent in the front of the pants, before he lay down.
Moving my hand to the front of him, he lifted up, right on cue- I found him hard and pulsing.
Kyle smiled expectantly- ` safe-except from a lizard that is still wild and un-tamed it seems-!`
Kyle pushed his dick against my hand;` yesss- Please tame him.!` Oh the sparkle in his eyes.
The tongue that once again was doing watering duty to those luscious lips--
I kissed him on the nose. `Maybe my big lizard can talk some sense into your little one..-`
Kyle jumped off me and tried to pull me up off the couch.
Is there any other time for boys than NOW..-
So much for a relaxing slow evening, reading a good book, having a glass of wine. Thinking about--- yes..! Sex with boys.! Past and future.!
Right-! Of course I waddled after that smiling boy, down to the bedroom.
Actually- I stopped for a pee and a quick cleaning of my cock for my puppy-nosed friend in the next room and to pick up an old half used tube of KY. No- I was not going to.
But he needed more stretching- and getting used to having something up his bum.
The last thing I dug out from underneath some Band-Aids and other First-Aid stuff was a little toy I had for years- never used, but never thrown away either.!
It was a dildo shaped like a cock- except it was only about 4inches long. Had little balls attached to it as well and was made from a soft, but hard enough rubber or plastic. It felt interesting in my hand..now that I had Kyle`s lizard in my hand a few times. They did get it right, basically- but was it to resemble a boy`s cock.- I had bought it in the adult store for that reason of course, but was it..-
I was sure Kyle would like it- I hoped.!

Kyle was playing with himself of course- slowly stroking his dick.
`Are you taming him..-` I smiled.
`NO- he does not want to be tamed by me- he gets more` Kyle was searching for the word-` un-tame by the minute.!`
He looked a happy, sexy boy-doing what we all have done.
I was feeling the glow of all the days that had gone, but were not forgotten in me.
`so,..` I stepped out of my clothes, Kyle`s eyes following my soft cock: ` let`s see if I can help out.!` I kneeled over him, my legs on both side of his thighs, arms beside his head.
One hand was on my soft cock, holding it- touching it, one was on my neck, trying to pull my head towards his. That little tongue was dancing between his lips.
It seemed like little shivers were passing over him. Maybe it was the wind through the open window-door... or
He was pulling my now extended cock along his hard spike. Having pulled back my foreskin, he made my head slide along his dick from his balls to the flaring glans.
`They like each other..` his voice was deeper, husky with sex dripping from it.` They want to play together.`
`I think maybe if they played, your lizard will learn to behave..` I answered softly.
`I don`t think so- `Kyle was panting a bit by now-` I think you have to be really tough with him.!`
` You want me to love you hard, Kyle-`
He looked away-` yes- maybe.`
I moved his head back to look at him- look into his eyes-` Yes, my boy.- Hard, fast- deep inside, where that thing makes you feel so bad- so good..-`
Kyle`s eyes were blinking- tongue licking- he was flushed and his breath was shallow- he looked gorgeous- a little boy in the heat of sexual excitement. His mind rushing forward to all the feelings, the sensations he had felt and that he knew were inside of him somewhere..,
Maybe even more of them..-
He struggled with the giving in-giving up part again. I knew it only too well.!
I wanted to just hold him. Just gather him up and rock him like a baby--.. but, that would not do.
That never does, in moments like these- first has to come the rushing, then the tumbling over the edge-then the little death and the feeling of being completely lost in somewhere where there is no direction, just feeling raw-raw feeling--. Then, only then comes the rocking, the holding the caring-when the little boy has come back to a world that will never be the same.! There would be time.
But right NOW-right here- I was:
`who am I, Kyle..`
He looked bewildered-
Boys and men- one needs to be a man, the other a boy. Yes- of course boys play together.
But that is for them -then, when they are boys. When it comes to sticking ones cock into a boys ass- yes, ass..hole- whatever, but not cunt.! - Boys do NOT have cunts.!
Stupid sayings. You want a cunt, find a woman or girl.
But if you want to stick your cock up a boys hole- you have to be the man.! And he has to know you are. He has to accept that you are-and you are going to- even hurt him some.!
So, be a man about it.!
`say it, Kyle..` I insisted- while rubbing my hard cock against his with his hand holding on.
I reached around his hand on my cock- and gathered his dick in our hands as well- giving it a couple of sharp tugs.
Kyle moaned and hunched up-
`Man--. My man.!`
His voice was husky but low- soft, barely above whisper.
I kissed him hard on the lips, that were so soft, so wet- so open.!
He liked to kiss, this boy.
`my boy.!` I told him to his face-
He breathed out from holding his breath in-I closed my mouth over his, dropping my tongue deep between his lips.
He wiggled under me- grabbed my tongue with his teeth softly and sucked on it- moaning. We kissed for what seemed a long time, playing within our mouths with our tongues and lips and spit.
Disgusting stuff.!
I was ready to fuck a dead skunk, by the time we came up for air.!
`Ahhhhmmm-yess- more, Uncle Alan.! Tame my lizard-. Tame me.!!!`
Kyle was bubbling over with all these good/bad feeling inside of him-
`Your lizard I will tame, my boy. You, Kyle-` I looked at him deeply; `I will make love to.!`
Thank you old age.! I am not blown away by all this excitement as I used to in years past. I appreciate time more. Want to feel the minutes slip by- and was going to give Kyle a bit of that taste.
I sat on my haunches, between his outstretched legs. Running my fingernails across his chest and belly lightly. Down between his legs..the inside of his thighs-around his ankles and up on the outside, lifting a leg to kiss him between his ball-sack and hole. Licking up his twitching stiff dick, clasping my lips around his glans and battering him with my tongue.
Kyle sometimes held his breath- then panting shallow breaths. Moans- sighs- twitches.
Hunches up to my face. Urgent un-decipherable grunts.
He was beautiful, glistening with a slight sheen of sweat. I wanted to keep him up this crest forever- but he did not last there and fell down the slide to the stars quicker than I had expected. I could not-nor did I want to stop him from getting his big O.!
He wailed and moaned- loud.!
Crunched up and gripped my arm with surprising strength-holding on, before losing it all in blubbering moans and hunched spasms radiating out from his dick that was dancing in my mouth.
Bliss- eyes closed, panting deeply- but slowing down. Mouth open. His grip on my arm loosening. He was a happy boy.
Roll into a ball and sleep-kind of happy.
It was late enough and so I left the toys on the bedside table and held him close to me.
Rocked him to sleep with my cock between his legs, but soon deflating. Oh happy old age.!
I would get my own in time.
Now I had a warm boy in my arms that pressed close to me in his sleep and smiled without waking, when I closed my hand around our soft lizards.

*
-13-

Breakfast on the deck, before the sun would settle on it.
I was packing my knapsack as well, because there was a whole valley to explore.
Kyle clambered out of bed when I was making too much noise for him to ignore- or was that maybe his stomach.-
Wild hair- he looked mesmerizing in a way. He had taken on a lot of colour on his skin, already the white parts of his bum were fading and even his feet were darkening.
Eyes clear but a little un-focused still- one hand lazily toying with his dick, the other reaching for the bread with choco-spread I was holding out to him, he stopped for a yawn and a stretch.
Came and stood next to me, leaning against me and chewing in my ear.
Dropping crumbs all over me.
Did I say I liked boys..-

We walked up to the end of the valley. Only half a dozen km from the village. Along the road that went through the eucalyptus forest, past the pines and acacia towards the low-lying fields and the terraces with olive trees. From the bridge that crosses the stream we turned off on to farm and wood-cutting tracks. Following the stream down the valley.
Kyle was excited- this was serious adventuring.! Crawling around in old abandoned farmhouses made from local stone, crossing the stream on narrow little bridges and following animal tracks along the hillsides from one old homestead to the other.
Long pants and real hiking -boots, that I had insisted on with Laura, were a must, as there were brambles everywhere and those long abandoned- or better given back to the animals, tracks were of loose stone and rock.
His walking stick, that Kyle had been swinging and Kung-Fu fighting with on the road came into it`s own- as did my boy`s appreciation for it. This was a lot different from running around in the fields or woods at home.
For many miles around us there were only woods and rocks.
As always on my walks, I collected some open pine-cones in a plastic bag that I hung from the knapsack, for the fire in the winter.
We talked about the people that had lived here. Kyle couldn`t believe that there had been people in these hills for thousands of years.
And now we were here.!
Across another old stone bridge we came to a small garden that had once belonged to the house near it. I knew it still had oranges on the trees there. Not as good as in the spring, but good to eat anyhow. Kyle was happy picking a few- oranges from the tree.! He could not stop grinning and of course wanted a bag full of them.
We settled on four- and I had to tell him not to eat them right then and there.
We were close enough to where I wanted to get to today.
Actually, Kyle had not realized this, but we were only a short distance below my village.
An easy run for a boy.
We had been wandering the valley all morning- it was hot now.
Sun beating down on us and we had long ago taken off our shirts.
I knew Kyle would have loved to take off more, but with thorns reaching for us all the time, he realized that he would get seriously scratched up if he did.
He already had a few small scratches on his arms.
Down past another empty stone house and around to the valley floor, we came to the pond.
Kyle`s eyes widened.
`Whoa-` he grinned up at me- `swim..-`
`It is cold, Kyle, even in summer, because it is mountain water.`
He smiled as if to say: you are an old man, I understand-
I smiled back at him- in a devious old man way.!
It was actually a man made pond- part of an irrigation system and watermill. It had a little stone building which at one time had a wheel and stones to press olives I would think. Half the floor on the building was open to rushing water underneath. This was in the middle of a dam maybe 6 feet wide, 50 or 60 feet long, holding back water that flowed out of a man-made stone wall some 20 feet high. Nature was in the process of taking it all back- vines, brambles and trees were sprouting everywhere giving the whole thing a magical touch.
It was not lost on Kyle, who stood in the middle of the dam, looking into the clear pond, where light green water-plants swayed in the maybe 7 or 8 feet of water.
Yeah- it was pretty damn romantic.
And now had a wood-spirit as well- with only so much as a look towards me, Kyle had lost all his clothes- puddeling now next to his hiking-boots the walking stick and the oranges.
I sat on the low wall of the dam, watching him pad along the top of it. To the end and back, standing in front of me, lizard in half exited plumpness.
`can I- `he smiled down at me` can I please, Uncle Alan- swim.-`
`Well, lizard boy, methinks that maybe that is why we are here..-! But- I tell you again, it will be cold.!`
`But it is sooo hot now- I am sooo hot!`
`I will be right here.. go-`
He yipped in excitement and -. Jumped in.!
That would simply have killed me.
This is water from mountain springs, running all year- flowing through this pond on the way to the sea. It is clean- very much drinkable, but cold.!
`Ahhhhh-..
Kyle was yelling loud-: `COLD-COLD-COLD-.`
He was racing back to the edge, pulling himself up- jumping up and down... arms around himself- his lizard had all but pulled himself back into his body-.. and jumped in again...!
Damn tough little guy.!
I had to remember this.
He swam around the pond for the next 10 minutes, to the high stone wall on the other end- to the edge where the trees and grass reached for the water. Dived down to the water-plants, a pale quivering image of a naked boy, grasping some and dropping them in front of me on the dam.
`For you, Uncle Alan..`
`Thank you, frog- should I kiss you, to see if you turn into a prince.-`
He pushed off from the edge did a quick splashing run around the edge once more and pulled himself out- standing there shaking from the cold in the sun.
I walked over to him, folded him into a big towel that I had pulled from my knapsack and rubbed him dry.
He was practically sparkling with life.!
Shivering still, but so ALIVE- it was almost moving me to tears, looking at him.
`Go lay in the sun for while-` He shook his head- clasped his arms around my neck, pulled me down and kissed me.
Whooosh- air going out of me. He kissed me softly, but insistently- pushing his tongue into my opening mouth. One Mississippi , two Mississippi, three Mississippi-.
He pushed back- stood in the sun, arms wide, smiling-:`Am I a prince now..-`
Moments like these last forever.

`Yes, Kyle- you are.!` I was serious.
He giggled and lay down on the towel, letting the sun bake him.

Lunch was simple, but in this magical setting- it was a feast of chorizo sausage for Kyle, cut into thick slices with his own knife. Broa de milho- the local corn-bread with lots of butter and cheese for me. Actually, Kyle did have some of the cheese- but only the one from the Acores, which was cow instead of goat or sheep.
We shared the half bottle of red wine from the canteen- meaning Kyle got a mug full of wine mixed with pond water.
He was sitting cross-legged across from me on the towel.
Watching me peel an orange- and being handed slices. I am such a sucker for big blue eyes.!
Walnuts from the small stash I had left over from last winter- he was happy with olives too, but tomatoes belonged in a bottle with ketchup written on it as far as he was concerned.
I had a few more weeks to change his mind.!
We had moved into the shade, but now he was back to baking himself in lazy after -food happiness.
Rapaz em pelo-my nude boy.!
Not even half an hour and he was on the little wall again- peering into the pond.
So much for resting.
`Uncle Alan-`--..
Did I want to listen- NO. I was happily dozing.
`Go and drown the lizard-!`
He laughed and jumped-
- or better- dived in this time. Nicely too.!
Sleek, arcing- that rippling image of him in the clear water among the green of the water-plants and the stones. Surfacing he shook his hair.
`Still COLD..!` he yelled. But proceeded to play around in the pond for almost half an hour, before he did get cold enough to pull himself over the wall and roll onto the towel, shivering.
He was a little pale from the cold water and his lips were going blue- but rolled into the towel he seemed very happy.
`Who does this belong to- this pond.-` His voice was shaking a bit from the cold-
` Do not know- I have never seen anybody, but I am sure it is part of the land that belongs to the big house up the hill.`
He was unwrapping himself- offering himself up to the sun again. I was jealous of the sun licking all over his body, although that`s irrational. I shook my head- I was becoming irrational.
Maybe-
`How about we call it Kyle`s Pond, for the time--`
He was kneeling on the towel-` YES- please, can we-please.-`
`Yes- I do not see anybody objecting..` I laughed.
So- it became Kyle`s pond.
After some more warming up in the sun, while his slave packed up the remains of lunch and peeled another orange for the little master to eat-slices please- and re-loading the knapsack, we ambled up the paths to the street.
Yes- he did have his pants on and boots- not much else.
Once on the street, Kyle suddenly realized, that we were 500 yards form home.!
`we are home- this is sooo close..! He looked up at me-`you knew this`- accusingly, as if it was a crime.!
`Yes, I know. I know a few more things- but you will have to find out yourself.!`
He hit me, as I was trying to escape up the lane to the house.
By the time I had things put away and sorted, Kyle was wandering around the village in his birthday suit. I had insisted he NOT go back to the- HIS pond today.
Also maybe he needed to talk to his walking-stick some and widdle on it a bit.-!
I laid down for a well deserved afternoon snooze.

My arm just folded itself around him- as if it was always this way.
Kyle molded himself to my side. One arm around my neck. Small, barely audible sighs- and soft breaths. He was asleep almost before I woke up.
I sighed myself- he snuggled closer.
Why did this feel so right.- Why did it seems easy to let it flow along-!-
A bit of silliness, a few rules- a bit of space for adventuring- a lot of trust. Maybe that was it.
The trust part. Trust in being safe. In being loved- in being cared for and sheltered from harm. Whether it is people or things- or oneself.!
When I worked in institutional care with children many years before the `Leitmotiv` , was : Trust is good- check is better.
The consequence was- the children never trusted us. Because it goes both ways.!
I left after some years- with one that did trust ME. And my trust in him has never been in vain- even all these years later.
So maybe it starts with trust- and ends with love.
Not the other way around.
Was I to un-hinge that trust in this boy in my arm.-
Was that what my mission was to be.-
I think I had all the pieces on the chess-board- but I was a bad chess-player. So I did not recognize the play yet. I just knew that this boy was a pawn.
What was I.-

I had fallen asleep again for a little while. The serenity of it all was overpowering.
Man and boy asleep on a bed together, in a tiny house in the mountains of some small country in Europe.
Maybe it was insanity. Some part of me felt the abyss.
But the other-bigger part of me felt the smooth skin on my chest.
The soft breaths. The openness of this young boy, naked on me now- there is no way to make this more real. So if this is the reality we are living, then it is not insane- because life is not insane in itself. It is only if we resist our natural life, that insanity strikes.
My hands were stroking Kyle`s bum- much browner than this morning it seemed.
I followed the knobs of his spine to his neck and caressed it.
Stroking slowly down his back- the inside of his thighs.
I could just about reach the hollows of his knees- fingertips, fingernails slightly rasping across his skin- goosebumps.
Shivers.!
I rolled his skin in my fingers from neck to the dip above his bum- then down the cheeks and onto his legs.
The clasp of his arms was stronger now-
`want me to stop--` I knew the answer, but needed to ask.
`No- More.!`

I did not stop. We did not stop.
Why would we..-
If there is this- this heat that seeps from our pores to the other person`s skin- into it and makes us pant. Makes us say silly things as much as keep important silences. That lets us hold on and hold on and hold on.
Until we break into these fragments of bliss that are shaking Kyle now, that my hands have done their damage to his mind by making him want more and more and more- a slick finger deep inside of his ass- making the bad feeling so good. His leg over my shoulder.
My mouth on his- biting his tongue lovingly and my other hand assaulting his lizard until he is pounded into submission. I know he wants more of this- more now, even though his body has just flexed and spasmed.
Yes- I want it too. I am ready to admit. I want this boy.
I have a hard time not rolling him on his back and plunder his ass- `Am I not a man.- Do I not bleed like other men.-`- ok, ok-..
But right now we are again where we started from- Kyle laying on me and my hands stroking his back. Slowly rocking him back to this world.

`Should we make some dinner..-`
I am playing with his hair-
`can I cut my hair--.-` Ooops, where did that one come from.-
`I guess so, but why, Kyle.-`
` I want to have my own haircut.!` I get it, yes, I do. My little pawn has been sliding across the board silently, but with intention.
`well, then we need to find a way to get this done.`
He looks into my face and smiles: `Thank you, Uncle Alan.`
Climbs off me and walks out- but turns around in the doorway: `Thank you- MY man.!`
Oooops again-!

We made dinner.
Backed potatoes in a casserole with lost of garlic and olive oil. Vegetables too. Kyle`s side has chicken breasts, fried beforehand. Goat cheese on my side. Salad.
We are eating under the stars- with tea lights around the deck. Kyle is having fun with that.
The bugs are kamikaze flyers.
Sitting on the couch outside after doing dishes and cleaning up- Kyle is still rubbing his tummy in appreciation of food- Kyle wants to fly again.!
YES-. That kind of flying.!
He is making eyes at me- he stretches and smoothes himself to me.
Kisses my hands and arms-my neck- my lips.
`What do you want, my boy..-`
He thinks of himself as so clever..:` Can you check please, Uncle Alan- I think there is something wrong with me- down-ahhmmm--.. down there.` He lowers his eyes bashfully to his middle.
`Are you sure..-` I play along- the tent in his sweats is un-mistakable.!
` Yes, I think there is something really wrong-, please check and make me better..` He is doing his little boy voice on me. Rubbing his face against mine.
`there is nothing wrong with you, my boy.` I have grabbed his lizard-the un-tamable beast- who is up and jumping in my hand-` you are just a horney boy.!`
Kyle breaks up in giggles and laughter- pushes himself closer, back against my chest.
`Do it really fast, Uncle Alan- and hard.!` He breathes out.
I can smell him.
Can feel the heat from his skin, which got a little too much sun today.
I can feel his squeezing and little hunches.
Stretching back against me to give me even more access to his middle- where my hand roams in his sweat-pants.
`take them of-` Kyle pants-
Just how many orgasms are healthy for a boy of 11 ..not even 12..-
I remember that when I was his age...I used to wear out both my hands/arms, at times.
There is a wicked little moment, where I am thinking of doing exactly this- making him scream out his pleasure here- into this village, from this out-side couch into the heavens- to the stars.
I must remember this for some other time.
Tonight, I heave my horney boy over my shoulder and trudge downstairs carefully- throwing him on the bed recklessly.
He shinnies out of his sweatpants- lays back and looks luscious, hard dick, shiny eyes.!
Did we not just leave this bed 4 hours ago..-
Ok- tomorrow I will think about this. Tomorrow I will not give in.
I reached for the toy and the slick- Kyle was furring his brow.
`What is that, Uncle Alan-`
`looks like--. A lizard.!` I joked.
`Let me see..` Kyle was quick to sit up and reach for it.
`Oh-` He was quite.
`It looks like me-` I had noticed that ..YES, I had.!
`What is it for..-`
`For you, my boy.!`
`Oh-..` he was trying to compute the information- but was not coming up with a real answer.
I lowered the light to the low bedside lamp.
`Trust me- my boy.!` I softly whispered before kissing him on the lips.
` I do- Uncle Alan-`
He was still skittish- liking the kisses, my hands-but one eye on the toy.
I knelt between his legs-
`Up legs--
He complied without question- resting them on my shoulders.
This was new and he did not know what to expect- well I was not going to have him wait long.
I smothered the toy with some KY and wiped across his hole with the residue on my fingers.
He sucked in his breath and twitched-
`what is it for--`
`wait for it- horney boy.!`
I was massaging his balls with one hand and stroking his dick lightly- all making him feel good.
And slowly rubbing the toy on his hole.
It was twitching- his sphincter winking. I pushed a little forward. Kyle gasped and pulled away before pushing back. It felt like my finger- I am sure.
`It feels like your finger- but different. It is hard- ahhh-` I pushed in a little.
Pulled back and pushed again. He was not having any trouble taking it all the way- wiggling to make it fit.
`It is in.`
He announced what was obvious to me. The little plastic balls were right up against his butt.
`Is this what it will feel like--`
Kyle was open eyed and moving around.
`No, Kyle- I am a bit bigger- and I am not made from plastic.!`
`It feels big.!`
I pushed it up towards his belly- he moaned and his eyes rolled back up into his hair.
`YESSSS- good.! More`
He hissed.
Boys with toys- what a pleasure for them- I chuckled.
`You like.-`
`Hmmmm- it goes right on the `spot`.!`
I pushed again, having pulled out a little-
`Ahhhrrr-. Yes, yes-` Kyle was stammering.
I put one of my legs behind his bum- trapping the toy inside of him.
Grabbed his lizard and mine and rocked for ward- making the toy move forward and up.
Kyle wailed in pleasure.
I kept it up- push and pull. Kissing his mouth, his neck, his nipples-
He was holding my arms in a desperate grip and his legs locked around my neck.
`This my boy, is what it will be like- when I fuck you. Just a little better, I hope-`
Kyle was hearing me, I was sure, but not listening.
The toy was pushing into him with each rocking of my hips. His lizard was jumping in my hand against mine. I wanted to cum badly and Kyle was almost there-so it felt and so it sounded from his rhythmic moans and grunts.
`Please-, make me go, Make me-.ahhhhh-.` he lost it in the middle of the speech.
Hunching, crunching up against me- driving the toy a little deeper and wailing more-.
Panting like a puppy and sweating like a boy in heat.
I felt the world pull around me into the tight ball it always does, before the explosion and the expansion of the universe. I came all over a shaking Kyle- his hands on my cock, covered in cum.
I slumped over him- kissing him gently. Moved my legs and the toy slipped out of him-
`Ahhhhh-` he sighed.
Such an in-articulate boy- but my noises were not too literate either, I guess.
We laid still..breathing heavy.
Letting the fires wilt away inside of us.
Me on my side- Kyle hanging on to me with one leg over my hip.

`Wild.!`
I was half asleep, I think- or just resting-. As they say.
Kyle was breathing in my ear.
`What..-`
`It was wild.!` He was pretty clear ` you have to fuck me soon.!`
`You are my man-.` He let it trail off- but there was that implication of some obligation- I almost laughed. I had created a monster. Forget about pawn.!

` Can you please go to sleep, Kyle--`
His easy, rhythmic breathing told me he already was- what a silly old man I was.!
*
-14-

The weather was holding. Not unusual really. These are the good months here in Central Portugal. Hot, dry- sunshine.!
Kyle was browning all over. All that vitamin D was making him glow.
The whole week we had been wandering around the valley and those next to it. Walking on the road to get somewhere and then wandering around the woods and old farms.
He never tired of scouting around the goat-sheds or winter-stores. Had to look into each house and would have carried away all kinds of `finds` if I had not insisted that he carry them himself.
By now he was working in his own day-pack.!
We found more orange trees and some mandarin ones as well. Too early for the figs and walnuts. So I gave up my store of them, a handful at a time.

We had been into town to get supplies and to get Kyle`s hair cut- and mine , what was left of it. I was unsure about his transformation, to be honest. He was directing the girl, who obviously did not really want to cut off his hair too much.
But transformation is sometimes necessary and we only recognize it after it has happened.
By the time he was done- his hair was short, but not buzzed. Still longer on top.
What stood in front of me was a beautiful BOY.
What I mean is hard to describe - in some way he had become more boy. Lost some of that androgynous look. A little more becoming himself..-
And with it, he had become more beautiful in a purpose-filled way. He wanted to show the world he was BOY..! I think he wanted me to know this as well.
Despite the things that we were doing so often- which he may have still thought of as `queer` or `gay`- I am sure he would have found other words for it- and more.
He was a BOY, he was feeling MALE.!
He was growing up. And he was demanding to be recognized- yes, by his man. He was no whimp.! He could take it, could walk miles, could carry his pack, could swim in cold water- could handle a knife--. Wanted SEX.!

Yes,- he was ready.

We had tamed his lizard by his pond.
In a goat-shed.
In the middle of the eucalyptus forest, leaning against one of the trees.
On a rock in the middle of a stream.
At night on the couch outside and most deeply in my bed, where the toy gave him those terribly good feelings at times.
And he was not just getting- he was giving back. His hands made me tremble, his mouth on mine made me sigh and when he kissed my cock and worked it with his mouth, he made me delirious. Yeah, he was my boy- and in his mind, I was his man- to do with as he wanted and needed, when we were naked together.

The week following, the weather turned- it got even hotter, but definitely building up to some storm or such. On our wanderings, I packed a groundsheet, just in case.
In the afternoons it was sweltering, and there were thunderheads in the sky.
But it was not until almost the end of that week, that the weather broke.
Kyle was playing at HIS pond, I was making dinner preparations at home. He was always gone for some time by himself- it was good for him. This did not take away the worry I felt, but by now he knew what to look out for, he had his stick and his knife.
Early evening, the sun going down was the start of the rain. The dark clouds had blown in quickly. I just managed to clear the deck of things that needed shelter, when Kyle was belting around the corner of the lane, through the gate and into the house- soaked.!
Laughing.
I kicked him out again to go down the yard and into the bathroom door- and lose the wet clothes that were dripping all over the living-room.
Half-way through dinner, the power went- and the thunder rolled in big time.
Kyle thought it was great- candles all around.
Hot water and stove are propane, so no worries. The fridge would hold coolness for a day or more.
This was summer storms. Fierce, but short.
The power would like be back on in a couple of hours.
Well it was not.!
And even though it felt like the storm had passed- it had not. In fact it came back with mighty rolls of thunder and a firework of lightning.
We watched for a while from the kitchen-door- Kyle at times pressing a little closer, when it seemed the crashes were right above us. An occasional shiver from the excitement and just a little bit of fear.
`Well- that is it for the night, -` I thought out aloud. `we may as well hop into bed and sleep.`
`Will it last all night.-` Kyle was a little uncertain if this was a good thing. The next loud crash had him close to me.
`Summer storms come quickly-but go away quickly too, Kyle. Sometimes they get caught on the mountain tops or circle, but I think we will make it through ok.`
I have always liked thunderstorms- especially in the summer.!
This was my brother dragons speaking.!
This was the fire inside and the crashes of my soul.!
This was exciting in a primal way that I have never quite understood, but felt.
`This is exciting.!`
He was not quite sure what it was-. That was exciting to me, but there was the excitement of being a little scared in him.
Shower by candle-light- Kyle liked that. Both of us together in the semi darkness with endless hot water streaming down on us from the rainfall showerhead. I washed him, he washed me...we washed each other-sometimes chuckling, sometimes panting.
I lined up half a dozen tea-lights on the ledge behind the head of the bed.
`Whoa- NICE..!` Kyle approved of the new lighting schema.
He flopped on the bed next to me.
Leaning on his elbow, the other hand finding his lizard, he looked at me deeply.
`You are excited, Uncle Alan- the thunderstorms, you like them.!`
Sounded like there was more to come, so I just nodded-
`I am a little afraid-` he pushed his head on to my chest, speaking to my chest-hair ` not like really afraid. More like excited afraid.!`
Hmmm-. ` what are you afraid of, my boy..-`
He was searching in my eyes, a little shudder passing through him that I only felt, because my hand was softly massaging his back.
`You are going to- to` he swallowed and whispered: `you are going to fuck me tonight- are you.-`
There was excitement mixed into the fear. There was fear mixed into the excitement for me.
He was right. I was excited in a way that would make this happen.
Lightning crashed. Thunder rolled. I was charged up somehow. He could smell it.
He was afraid- and a little excited.
`Don`t hurt me please--` long pause ` you are my man.!`
There was submission, his head had sunk on to my chest, there was anticipation.
I was again struck by the enormity of this act.
It holds a wonder, it holds a power and it holds a spell.
`Yes, my boy- I am going to make love to you tonight.!` I was speaking soft, but clearly and directly. `I will put my cock up your butt, where you have had a toy, but I am not a toy. I am -`
He interrupted:- `my MAN.!`
While laying on me, Kyle reached into the semi-darkness beside us and his hand came back with the KY tube in it.
`I want to do it..` he rolled off me. Knelt up and smoothed the slippy stuff all over my hard cock. He smiled tentatively.
I softly pushed him backwards into the pillows. Pushed one under his butt and leaned over him. ` You know I love you, Kyle-. A little.!` He nodded, chewing on his bottom lip.
`It will be very nice, Kyle- just let it go- like you have before.!
He nodded again- his dick was hard and twitching.
His legs came up- I stroked them as they folded themselves around me, ankles around my neck, as they had done plenty of times before-
My hand rubbed his balls and slipped over his hole-
He twitched- moving involuntary towards my fingers. This was all not new- but as another lightning strike flashed brightness into the semi-darkened room, Kyle shivered.
`You like this..` he nodded-` you will love this--`
I pushed my glans against his sphincter- and he tried to escape- but I had my hand around his dick and held him and squeezed good feeling into him-
He moaned- and pushed back against me- and the head of my cock slipped in.!
`Ahhh-` he was moving his head from side to side, like he sometimes did when the feelings were too good.
`Let it go, Kyle- you know I love you.!`
`He is big.!` Kyle stammered.
`Not so much more than your toy-` I pushed a little and he had adjusted already enough for me to slip in halfway. A breath later, I pushed further.
Kyle shivered and held my hand over his chest-squeezing it tight with all fingers.
`It`s good- it`s good-.` He murmered.
I could feel the heat and the squeezing of his hole. I was almost in him to the hilt.
I pushed a little more so that my balls rested against his crack.
`Ohhh-.` I think he was surprised how little pain..if any there had been.
I am not big, as mentioned before- so that helps. But I was hard. Bigger than his toy. And moving. Because this old man was seriously horney.
We did the thing men like me had always done to their boys. Fuck.!
Yes- he squeeked every time I bottomed out- from brushing across his prostate.
He shivered and shook.
Moaned and wailed at times, when I did short jabs at his prostate only.
He was hot and luscious. He was tight and soft inside, feeling like a slippery glove.
His head rocked from side to side at times, from all those feelings.
My hand was stroking his skin while his hands were gripping my upper arms- sometimes pulling me close to get more of me inside of him.
The toy had been a good thing. He was enjoying all of it. This was no toy in his ass, but something even more exciting-even more feeling good.
Slow long thrusts got him off the first time, a few minutes after we had started.
He shook and strained, wailed and panted and- loosened up more.
I just kept going and while his eyes were closed- I could see the lust and ecstasy on his face fade to a contented smile.
`Yeah- YES- more- `
`I know, Kyle-. Let me guess: harder-faster--1`
I was moving inside of him, my own orgasm building slowly.
His tightness was so stimulating, since it was all around my cock. Not fingers or fist..not even a mouth is the same. I was hunching into him.
`You are going to cum in me--` he asked uncertain-
`Yes, my boy- I am going to cum deep inside of you-!`
`Good- he pushed back against me in time of my thrusts-` I want you to.!`
Hard to resist a boy that wants you to plow him.
I did not last that long- who ever does, other than in Nifty stories-!
So to Kyle`s moaning and twisting, I came hard- pounding him the last minute or so.
Fast and hard, deep and ecstatic.
Oh sweet hell- it had been too long..!
The erraticness of my thrusts, my moaning and the Thunder.!
Kyle was looking at me, mouth open in his own moans.
`Make me cum too- please- ohhh- please.!`
Shameless pleasure hound.!
I squeezed his nipples between my fingers- kissed him deeply and fisted his lizard to oblivion in fast strokes. That got the boy bucking hard into me- my cock slipping out of him as he came a second time, shuddering and blubbering into my mouth about love and love and love-!
There was still lightning in the distance- still thunder rolling though the valley- but far away now.

I got up and opened the window- the air was cool and wet and charged. Smelling of earth and rain. Kyle smelled of sweat and life and me. He had rolled on to his stomach, pillow still under his middle.
Bum in the air.
I stroked his back, his thighs-his bum.
He mumbled contentedly.` Feels big- wet.` I checked his hole- it was closing well..and the slight redness would be gone in a day or so.
All that play with the toy had been a good thing. A good preparation.
After 10 minutes, I dragged him up with me- sat him on the toilet, he was embarrassed when wet farts expelled things from within him, but I held his head against me. Flushed the toilet and moved him to the shower for a quick wash for both of us.
When my finger cleaned inside of his hole- he twitched a bit. But instead of this being soreness, there was an un-tamed lizard standing up between us and Kyle whispering..: `I like it- keep doing it.!`
Well, I did NOT.
But dried him and pushed him towards the bed, while I went and opened the doors upstairs to let the stickiness out.
The little lights were almost burned out anyhow.
Got half a glass of wine for Kyle filled up with fizz, a full glass for me and a handful of chocolate for my boy. Energy food.!
He was not asleep- like I thought.
Was sitting on my side of the bed wrapped in the light sheet because of the wide open door.
I slipped in behind him- he moved to in between my outstretched legs, back against my chest, head under my chin. I kissed his head. Stroked his neck softly. His newly shortened hair.
` It did not hurt.` It was a statement of surprise really.
`It felt good- really good. Not all the time, but more and more.` I knew what he was talking about- and also knew that he needed to talk about it. He sipped from his spritzer- inhaled some chocolate.
` It hurt a lot- with dad. That is why he did not go on. I was crying too much. I could not help it- it hurt bad.!` I waited- I was sure there was more.
More drink- more chocolate.
`David does it all the time- well he did. With dad and then with the coach.`
He looked up at me, craning his neck back; ` Mom found us, you know.`
`Yes, Kyle, I did not know, but thought that may be what happened.` I had guessed right.
`She was very pissed off. I think she still is. That why I am not allowed to talk to David- I am sure. And dad has to give up the scouts- mom thinks he is fucking them too.`
He needed to talk more-
`But I don`t think he does- he has David- well until ---.`
Auotch- that was it.! Dad had David- his best friend, who now had his dad. And Kyle had--
Lost dad. And mom.
And David.

A lot of loss.
He was hiding it deep.
I felt his face with my fingertips- I was right. Tears.
Making love with a boy-fucking him for the first time often brings strong emotions- tears sometimes. But usually from the realization that they like something the world around them hates- and will hate them for, if the world finds out.
Here we were a dozen steps further into the jungle of human relationships. Especially families.

Kyle took the chocolate from my fingers into his mouth- closing his lips around my fingers.
I held him close, not squeezing, just comfortable full contact.
`I understand why David likes it- now.!` He was speaking to himself as well as me.
`How can it feel so good..-!` again, this was not really a question to be answered- he knew it did.
`It is almost like I want you to do it so hard that it hurts. So that you hurt me. I watched David and dad- dad has a big cock- and I could see how it hurt David. But he wanted it. Wanted it bad. He wanted it even when we were little-..` His voice trailed off as he was wandering through the dozen years of his life.

`What if I wanted it again..-` He turned over on to his belly--- I could feel a hard dick.
He was serious.
` I am your man. You are my boy. For the time we are together, Kyle, that means something.!`
He waited-his fingers trailing around my left nipple.
` If MY BOY needs it- I am going to be his man.!`
`Now.-`
Ohhhh-I knew, damn it, I knew it-I knew he was going there. Little faker- he was no pawn.!
`Look , my boy-. I am a man- your man, but an old man-sorry.! I don`t get hard as often as you do.!`
I knew I was wiggling on a hook- he was about to net his fish-
`What if I-..` he did not even bother to finish, but just slid down between my legs and slipped his mouth over the end of my cock..having bared it`s head by pulling back the foreskin.
Both hands around my shaft- one slightly scratching my balls- oh why did I tell him I liked that so much--! His tongue was busy running around the crown- rubbing against the little band of skin that holds it to the shaft.
I moaned- what else could I do..-
It felt so VERY nice- Kyle had learned and learned and learned-and not only from me.
He was determined-. And a determined boy will get what he wants-
I growled- he laughed between licks.
`I am going to fuck you, my boy if you keep that up..!`
He giggled around my cock- oh what a feeling..! I was about to burst into song.
`It is up.!`
He found the slippy on the night stand, even with only one little light still on.
A quick coating- he was moving up on my chest again- chocolate kiss- that wiggling tongue in my mouth- his legs on my sides.
He sat back- holding my stiff cock up against his hole- and slipped it in.
Sitting back more and more he had all of it deep inside of him, in less than 10 sec.
He was hot. He was groaning- he was twitching. He has hard.
` I want you to see how good it feels-` he was stammering.
- and began riding my cock up and down.
I shuddered-but kept looking at him. Holding his arms softly- stroking his belly, where my cock was somewhere on the downstroke-making him shudder. Making him moan and shake his head in wonder.
`it is good-` Kyle breathed-` sooo good.!` He was in control and having learned this from David no doubt, was pushing my cock into his `spot` every time he sat down on it. His face was a grimace of lust, of joy-of the sweet pain that eats your soul.
Mouth open, panting- moaning.
He wanted me to see him- I did. I saw the tears- joy and more I would think.
He had clasped my hands in his holding them to his chest, bucking up and down as fast as he could- I knew it was not going to work for him.
I liked seeing him in lust- hair wild, sweat glistening, even in this low light- panting and moaning.
He was wild life. A boy striving for his joy.!
` You are MY man-` He was spitting the words at me. Possessively. Hard.!
I know little man. I know- I just do not know if this is the love you need.
But right now you need something and I will give it to you.!
`I am YOUR man, my boy.` I hissed at him- rolling him over in one flip. Stretching his arms high and tight above his head, he knew this- and his knees bent to his chest.
My cock had never left him and I hammered into him now. Hard. Fast- deep.!
He wailed and moaned and panted. High keening sounds of a little boy running for bliss.
He hurt so good-he could not stand much of this-
I knew I was not going to cum again- which made this all for him.! Not that I would not have wanted to- but I need a much longer re-charge time.
He was shaking now-.panting more- a little `oh` for each stroke of my cock.
He was being fucked. Possessed. Loved-.-
I parked that thought and gave Kyle what he was searching for- a long, wailing, bucking, pumping orgasm- his lizard was jumping and pumping juice that was not there yet.!
Kyle was throwing his head from side to side- as I was holding his legs and arms stretched.
He was crying out his joy.

I had released his arms and legs some time ago- was holding him to me. My cock had deflated and slipped out of his hole, which was well on its way of closing, I was sure.
He was crying and holding on.
He knew, that I knew--.. that he had wailed for the person he wanted to have love him like this-- his DAD.!
NOT David. Not ANYBODY else.
Not me-. And that was good that way.
What was not good, but had to wait for another day was, that Kyle wanted this maybe not for himself-but because he knew that his dad wanted it.-
Tonight, here - far away in the mountains, the storms had moved on and the last little light flickered off, as I held on to my dreaming boy and found the comfort of dream-less sleep.

*
-15-

The morning was just slightly cooler than normal- it was going to be a great day. The rain had washed the dust of things around us and there was a clean sparkling on things and in the air.
And on Kyle`s face.
Chocolate-spread around the edges of his smile.
Meo rapaz em pelo- laying waste to a big breakfast.
The hemorrhoid cream I had applied last night, after he was asleep already, had done the trick.
He had no complaints. In fact he kept smiling too much.
I made him clean up and do the dishes from breakfast.!

I had decided that a short hike was all we should do after last night`s efforts- initially we had planned on walking the old Roman Merchant Road all the way into town- some 15 km. Some up, mostly down.
But there was a very nice river beach not too far down the valley, with an old olive-mill and dam, so we packed up lunch and drinks and set off to that place.
This was a bigger river, wide and shallow, although deep enough for swimming because of the dam at that point. It was a beautiful place with picnic tables on a small wooden platform over the water. By the middle of the day it was hot and even I did play in the water a bit, much to Kyle`s delight. It was a workday, so there was nobody around and Kyle had shed all of his clothes again. I had smeared more salve on and into his butt-hole, but he was neither bruised nor sore-and this would help with whatever swelling might be on inside. The cold water kept us chaste, even when I had him in my arms, standing in the shallow water, kissing. We were a bit reckless, not caring much about the world- and the world gave us a little space for ourselves. Nobody disturbed us until a man stopped, to have lunch.
We were packing up and Kyle was `packed up` already in clothes, so we just smirked to each other, bid the fellow a good day and shouldered our packs to hike back up to the village.
A bit of a climb, and by the time we were near the village, Kyle had decided that he needed another dip- so I took his pack and he scampered off down to HIS pond.

Early in the morning I had sent his mother a message that made it important to talk.
This was as good a time as later.
I got her on the second ring. She was at home for the day, since it was school-holidays now and Kyle`s sister was around.
I calmed her fears of something being wrong-
`Kyle is healthy and happy.` I didn`t know exactly how to start so I just came out with how I felt: ` I guess, Laura, I feel a bit duped in some way- mostly by you.`
She wanted to object-` let me explain please, Laura.-
There was no good way-` Your honesty with me has been-let`s say- strategic. I got a lot more information from Kyle- maybe I did not want to get- but there you are.
You need to please let me in on what YOU are thinking, Laura- what this is all going to be in the end.-`
She breathed noticeably.` I knew he would tell you, eventually-` she sounded sad.` I am sorry Alan- I just couldn`t. I still am not sure what it all means-`
`Well, Laura..` I was going to have to be hard with her: `the reason I am not talking to John is simple. This is something that needs to be decided by you. John needs to deal with himself.
You have so far and will continue to deal with all of you. That is hard and I can only say- respect, Laura..!`
She was crying.
`I am not sure about how it all happened, but I know that John had been having sex with David for a while, before he did with Kyle. And I can tell you Laura- it was Kyle that wanted it.`
She sniffed more.
`No, not because of the sex, Laura. Yes, he does like it. Just like many boys do at that age- but this was about something else-` I paused- not sure how to formulate this:` I know now, Laura, that what Kyle really wanted, was his father back. And if it took having his cock in his ass, so be it.!` I was crude on purpose ` but it did not work out that way-.`
Laura was quiet-
` You knew about John and David- didn`t you, for a while.-`
Laura breathed out-: `Yes- for some time.`
Her voice was small and flat.
` So here was John- I gather David was still naked,.. and Kyle was crying while they were trying the impossible, when you walked in.!`
`Yes`- she sounded hollow.
`Yes- `I sighed `and Kyle lost all the people he loves, all at the same time- that very moment.!`
Pause--
`what do you mean, Alan--` I knew Laura was trying to work it out.
` Work it out, Laura- He had lost David, the friend he loved to his father some time ago and now for sure. He had lost his father, even though he was trying to give him what he thought would bring him back to love him- not David. And- he lost you, because you had now discovered it all and nothing would be the same- you were angry with him on a level that he maybe does not understand, but he feels deeply.!`
`I-` Laura was unable to speak from the tears.
` One deeply sad boy, I have here, Laura. He has worked it out. He knows everything. That Coach thing was his idea I would think. I bet David does not even play Hockey.! A little boy, who was losing his friend- yes and sex buddy, but only in the childish way he was used to- the playing that boys do- except David had done more and wanted more- a little boy`s cock is rarely enough for a boy that wants a man inside of him, like David does.!`
`I-.` Laura tried to speak-.` Please let me finish, Laura- it is really important that you hear all of this-.! `
She sighed..
` His father was fucking his best friend..who now did not want anything but a man. So he `arranges` it- since he knows that the coach likes boys- he had surely fondled Kyle in some way- but that does not work out. David and John- David and his father are still together. So close. They share things so intimate that Kyle feels discarded, even if he is present. He decides that he must give his father what David gives him- to get him back. Except not only does it hurt like hell and John does not go through with it-. You arrive and the game is up.! One look in your face- bare and open as he is now and he knows he has lost it ALL.!`

` I do love him- you must believe me, Alan- `Laura was still having a hard time speaking. ` I love him.`
`Are you trying to make yourself believe this, Laura..-` I needed her to come closer to it all.
`Ok, so I had to make a choice, Alan- you know how it is. Do I call the police and see my family disintegrate. I fought to have this family.! I went through a lot to have the kids.! I wanted the man- a part of me still wants him.! And now this-.` Laura sighed again.
`Right, Laura- now this- this boy, who DID NOT TELL ANYBODY, but tried to work out a way to have a family and friend is here, far away from all he knows and all the people that matter.!`
`I know- he did not tell or talk. David`s parents still do not know and I pray they never will-.`Laura was breathing heavy.
` How much do you hate him--`
Laura was stunned into silence.
`You know what I am talking about, Laura. Not your feelings about John. I will leave that to you to sort- but you asked me to take on this boy. Your son.! -.` I paused. There was silence.
`How much do you hate him for taking your man away from you.-`
`You don`t know, Alan-.` Laura`s voice was hard edged.
` I think I do, Laura- I have been in the business a long time, remember-! You may even assume, that I could be able to listen- and understand you.! And you know very well, Laura, that HATE is something I know a lot about.

I do not know how, or what yet, Laura- but I think there is a solution. I believe there is. I think there is love in you. I know there is love in Kyle- and I even think there is love in John.! With all that love going around, it must be possible to find a solution.!`

Kyle came belting around the corner into the lane and the yard-.
`Kyle is back ..` I quickly advised Laura.
` I finally saw him, I saw him-` Kyle was elated and shouting. I knew he meant the otter that lived by his pond.
` Your mom is on the line, Kyle- tell her about it first ok-.!`
There was a small darkness passing his face-but he was too excited- and chatted with his mom for 15 min.
I had taken a glass of wine out to the couch on the deck.
And suddenly a smiling boy landed on me- good thing my arms open instinctively to him.
Big smile.
` He saw me too.! He is sooo cool.!`
Kyle bubbled over with more about his pond and now HIS otter.
I just listened and held him to me.
Yes, I liked him and loved him enough that I hoped there was a solution to it all.
`Oh..and mom said to do this to you:` he kissed me.
He giggled.
`And that you should do it back to me.!`
`No, she did not-. You are making that up, faker-!` I kissed him anyway. Fully, completely- ahmmm I meant totally.
He pressed himself closer and his tongue more between my teeth. Moaned a little and-.
`What`s for dinner--`

Kyle was changing into proper clothes- meaning underpants, pants and shirt- I was watching him. He knew. I was sitting on the bed. He was standing in front of it- next to his part of the closet.
Yes- it is mesmerizing. I could not avert my eyes- and I am sure I looked hungry now too.
We were going out to the Pizzaria in town- a 20 min drive down the mountains.
He wiggled and his shorts fell off.
Brown skin- arms reaching to pull the sweatshirt over his head- up on tippy toes on purpose- he knows it makes his bum crunch tight. CK boys white underwear stretched over nice bum- I love a boy in white.!
I love a brown boy in white.!
I know I love this brown boy in white- but I will not tell him too often.
He keeps his arms up- pretends to stretch and looks back across his left shoulder- making sure my eyes are still caressing him.
He knows- he can feel it.
He likes it.
`You are a bad man- Uncle Alan..!` he giggles..: `you look at boys bums.!`
Turns half way and pushes his underwear down in the front to slip under his ball-sack- making it look big and his lizard, almost curving over it, is lifting up.
`Do you think I have grown..-` Kyle is eyeing himself.
`Well you have been pulling on that thing enough-`
`So have YOU.!` He shot back.
`And yes- I think you have gained some height.!`
He rolls his eyes- packs his treasures away and slips into long khaki pants. Polo-shirt with long sleeves and:` can we go already- I am REALLY hungry.!`

The young waitress is smiling at Kyle and makes signs to his hair. She had liked his long hair.
He is shy and looks away- she whooshes through his new shorter hair.
I have my usual half bottle of Monte Velho- Kyle has sips from my glass, when he thinks nobody is looking.
Pizza- Kyle is eating soul-food, methinks.
I am having lasagna.
The vegetable kind.
He keeps smirking at me with shiny lips from the grease, chewing wide.
Swings his legs under the table- bumping into my shins on purpose.
Makes big eyes at my small desert and bursts into a lightning smile when the waitress gives him his beloved big pudim-!

The little red truck has become much more a friend. Kyle is laying with his head in my lap, stretched on the bench seat.
He is still going on about the otter- how they stared at each other until the otter snorted and ambled away. He used to be fascinated by the lizards around the yard, on the walls, when he first came- oh, three weeks ago. He was convinced that if he stared at them he could hypnotize them into staying where they warmed themselves on the slate.
I think they hypnotized him- but I keep that thought to myself.
His lizard certainly hypnotizes me.
But tonight he runs around in his underpants.
We have come back to the house late enough for sleep. Tomorrow we ARE going to walk that Roman road all the way to town. Three hours or more one way.
I am trying to ignore the niggling feelings in myself. Something is still not right-or at least there is something hanging around. Was Kyle more affected by what we had done- what he had enjoyed, last night.
Was he hurt in a way I am not recognizing.-
Was he running from me.-
What was I NOT seeing here.-
Was it me feeling guilty.-

Did Laura say anything--

The stars are blinking on- I am sitting on the couch on the deck drinking, water.!
Kyle has gone to bed- in his underpants.
There is a little candle on in the bedroom- in the kitchen, next to door to the deck. A couple on the table beside me.
In my mind I am far away, wandering over old ground, licking old wounds. Am not feeling so together. Feeling raw and a little ripped apart. Feel hated and despised. Alone and at the end of life somehow.
I know this will pass- but it never feels good.
Hang my head and close my eyes.
Must have fallen asleep- it seems later. The stars have moved.
I have a blanket around me--..and a little animal that has folded himself into my arms.
He is asleep.
He is naked.
He is warm and soft.
Breathing softly.

Yeah- I know, this is not about me. So I need to let this shit go until some time when I sit alone in some desert or deserted bar.
This is about this boy in my lap. This one- my boy for the moment. For a few more weeks.
I have to hold him and walk him and feed him--. And most of all, love him.!

And right now, I have to carry him.
It is easier than I think.
His legs come around my hips automatically- as do his arms around my neck.
I heave him up and down the stairs to our bed.
`You did not come to bed--.. I waited.` He was mumbling close to my ear.
` I did not want to -. Want IT.!.... but I did- and I do.! But you did not come to bed-.!`
His eyes are closed.
` Maybe I am like David- now I want it all the time---.`
I shove his underpants from the bed on to the floor and laid him down.
He is rolled up on his side-looking at me through small eyes--.
`Go to sleep, my boy. It is ok to want it. I will give you what you want-. Tomorrow.!
You know I like you,-. And love a little bit, I am sure.!`
His head on my shoulder, arm around my neck, leg over mine- sleeping lizard pressed into my thigh-the other hand around my cock- he is drifting off now.
` Love--.` He is asleep.

That is how it goes.
One minute you want to die. Then life comes and hangs on to you in a shameless way.
There are a few tears in my eyes, as I hold on to Kyle and learn to breathe again.
That is how it goes-..
*
-16-

That is how it goes-
The sun comes up and light returns from the other side.
There are things to do and places to see.
Kyle and I packed our knapsacks and set off, up the steep stone road to the village high on the mountain, where we would catch the old merchant road going down into the valley which had the town at it`s bend, where it sweeps wide and becomes farmland. The convergence of glaciers had been kind to deposit fertile earth amongst the boulders.

It proved to be a tough trek- not because of the terrain.
Kyle was moody.
He had been quiet all through breakfast and the early morning preparations. I was not going to push him yet, but let him work it out a little- or not, but at least try.
If that had him in his own world, that was ok for a while, but now we were sitting on some rocks by the river the road followed for a while. Two hours of walk- we had another hour to go.
We were hot and sweaty. Sitting in the shade was good, drinking water was good.
The road was a track of rubble mostly, so walking was not so easy.
So resting was good.
Kyle was not good.
Things were churning inside of him-it was clear.
Any other day, he would have dropped his clothes and at least splashed in the water a bit. He knew we were not in a rush and if he had wanted to- it would be ok by me.

`It is hard to work out, isn`t it, Kyle..` I looked at him sitting a dozen feet away on his own rock.
He looked up and there was a flash of something like desperation in his eyes. As if he almost was going to jump up and run to me- but he shrugged and hung his head instead.
`There is nothing to work out- ` his voice sounded far away.
`But you are, my boy..` he looked up: ` you are trying to.! And it is not working.`
He turned to watch the river.
` Everybody hates me.`
`That is not true- but go on, Kyle-`
His face crunched.
`They DO.!` He spat out at me.
` Does your sister hate you, Kyle.- Do I- hate you.-`
`She doesn`t know anything-.`
`Well- I DO..!` I said with a bit of force. I was going to hear things I did not want to--!
He squinted at me in anger, not really knowing how to get around it, except to use -: `Maybe you just want to fuck me too..-!`
Yeah, I knew. That was where it was pointing.
`NO, Kyle,- we are not going to play the -Kyle the little boy that does not know what he wants and gets fucked`, game.!` I held his stare. ` Because it is not the truth.! You know the truth--.. I do as well.!`
He looked away, breaking the stare.
He started to pack up. ` I don`t want to talk about it any more.!`
`You may not want to, Kyle- but you have to. You will.!` I was trying to sound even, but some emotion is always there.
Kyle was walking away- following the road.
All I could do, was follow him- for now. We were going to have to get back to this before long.! Right now we were walking on, through the eucalyptus, pine and acacia woods. Following the river into town.

There was a river beach with a restaurant next to the water and this is where we had lunch.
Wonderful grilled chorizo sausages for Kyle and mixed salad with bread, cheese and olives for me. We were both happy with the choices- my boy was almost smiling as he devoured 2 of the sausages with chips.
Food heals not only hunger. Kyle was sitting close. But we needed to get to his pain- I was just not sure what was going to be left over after.
We sat under the trees in the shade, but sunshine flecked over Kyle`s hair and face at times. Making his hair shine and his face even more serious.
He was looking at the water. A few people were playing in the run-off from the dam.
It was hot.
He sighed.
Looked away into the distance, shoulders hunched.
`Wish you could go into the water..-` I asked him.
`Well, I did not bring my bathing-trunks..` he grumped back. Food was good, but clearly had not done the trick-how could it.
I dug in my pack- and handed him his swimming-trunks-
He had the grace to blush a little and whisper his thanks- before scampering off to change.
He unceremoniously dropped his clothes in my lap and was off splashing in the water within what seemed only seconds.
I watched him dance in the shallow water, the shower of drops from his kicking feet making small rainbows for seconds. Blond hair still dry and flopping like a bright reflection of the sun around his face. It had been a good thing to cut his hair.
His body had gained such even, lush tan.!
Natural grace and boyish energy bundled up in a beautiful package. Dirty old man that I am, I got a hard-on just from looking at him.! I am sure he was a little aware of me watching him, because he looked my way more than once, until another boy shouted at him.
Without more than a few words of common language between them, they soon were playing together.
I was happy to see this- Kyle had been without companionship of another boy for a while now. So I just let the time slip by. We would get back by taxi anyhow.

Kyle was smiling- dripping water on me and pointing to his dark-haired pretty friend next to him- : ` this is Nuno, he lives here.! Can we have something to drink.-`
`Polite boys get what they ask for- others-` `PLEEEASE.` Kyle shouted grinning.
I handed over 5 Euro- they spent all and more.! Chips and soft-drinks. Covering at least 2 of the essential food-groups of nutritional importance to boys.
Nuno was a little cutie. I would guess maybe 2 years younger than Kyle.
They sat a table a little away from me. Giggling and looking at each other- making friends.
And soon back in the water- playing.
Of course we stayed the entire afternoon. Kyle and Nuno, now thick as thieves, had most of the river-beach to themselves and made full use of it. It was a pleasure to watch, really. Boys.
Watching boys is a pleasure- well for me anyhow.
They have their own curves and bulges- to intrigue an old monster like me. With Kyle showing off a bit, it was even better. At one point, Kyle pulled down the back of his suit some- obviously showing Nuno his over-all tan. Nuno was surprised it seemed- but boy enough to pull the suit all the way down leaving Kyle`s butt bare- and belting off laughing, being chased by Kyle.
More drinks.
Then a trip to the toilet that seemed to last a little longer than usual for my perverted mind.
After that the play seemed even more boisterous.
Which of course eventually led to someone getting injured.!
Kyle slipped on the dam and down the wash onto some stones.
Nothing serious, but a nice scrape down half his calf. !
Blood and all- very dramatic. A few sniffles, but brave in front of his new friend Nuno-who was impressed-as he hobbled up to me.
I unpacked the first aid stuff, cleaned the scrape with peroxide- Kyle moaned, but bit back the tears, dried it and covered it with anti-septic band-aid spray. He would be fine in a day or so and would have not even a scar to show off, at home.
I handed Nuno Kyle`s clothes and sent them to change-
When they finally came back- I was just about to get up and look for them, they had that- something happened- smell about them.
I looked at Kyle..- He almost imperceptibly shook his head and said..: `later-`
Before launching into an elaborate play for staying in town and having Pizza.!
And yes, I was to invite Nuno of course.!
Kyle was dripping charm. Was all but slipping his hands into my pants to make me lose my mind. I enjoyed every minute of it. Let him work a bit for his reward. I had made up my mind about the pizza thing anyhow, as it was late enough and feeding Nuno was not a problem, if it was ok with him and his folks.
Nuno dragged Kyle with him, to his house- I walked slowly to the Pizzaria.
Still, I was sitting and having a glass of wine, by the time the boys rushed in. Nuno was greeted like family by the waitress, kisses and hug and for good measure she did the same with Kyle, who just leaned into it. Of course they knew Nuno- she was a cousin and in this town everybody knows each other. And yes- of course they know about that old man that lives on the hill in that empty village, who has a nephew visiting, who looks like an angel and runs around naked in the village.! She told this in the little English she had and by the end, Kyle was just about sinking under the table, while Nuno was killing himself laughing. Relaying to his cousin how he had pulled Kyles swim-suit down earlier and discovered only brown skin- Kyle and I could guess all this by the demonstration and animation.
By this time the guy making the pizza was laughing as well and Kyle resigned himself to the fact that everybody somehow knew that he was a budding nudist. Then he got to show off his scrape and was promised extra pudim for his pain. Smile back on his face, he kicked me under the table.
I was sure Luciano was the source of the information- to which she nodded smilingly, whooshing Kyle`s hair.
The restaurant was still empty, because it was early- a fact that was surely appreciated by Kyle.
Well, I was amused by something else. Kyle was giggling by now and Nuno was smiling broadly.
The boys were sitting across from each other and all through the meal they were swinging their legs- touching each other.
A large pizza and still, when attacked by two hungry boys from each end- they were sighing contentedly with full stomachs, while I was still working on my plate of spaghetti.
It did not surprise me, when we finally decided to leave- Kyle had shared his pudim with Nuno- one bowl, large, with 2 long spoons- again, a 2-pronged [did I say that-sorry, my dirty mind again-] attack on the food between them, our friendly waitress/cousin had arranged the taxi- her cousin, who was leaning at the bar, having a coffee.!
Nuno, of course- was coming with us.
Was told- `5 minutes` when we got to the village- and the boys took off running.
Wanting to pay the usual fare, `cousin` was indignant..: `some money for gas` he told me less than half the usual fare ` you feed my family.!` He was insistent.
I accepted with thanks and walked up to the house following the boys.
Funny, the scratch seemed to not bother Kyle at all- good to know.

Kyle and Nuno were sitting on the bed when I found them, Nuno leaning on Kyle, who was showing off his game kit.
I told Nuno, his taxi was waiting- giggles, he said `Thank you, Uncle` and hugged Kyle, jumping off the bed and running up the stairs outside, shouting his good-bye.
Hmmm- I went to empty the packs, put away things and light a few candles.
By the time I got to the couch on the deck, Kyle was already stretched out on it.
I cleaned off his scrape once more and put on some more spray for the night. It looked good.
He did not like the cleaning any more than before and here, between us, he wailed a bit and cried.
Maybe I should do it some more- to make the pain come out of him-- I wish it was as easy as taking care of scrapes.
He moved up- and when I had sat down, he moved into my arms.
` A good day after all, Kyle..-`
He was thinking, quiet, to himself.
`Where does the pain go, Uncle Alan.-` I knew what he meant. I involuntarily sighed- he looked up into my eyes softly.
`The pain is a sneaky little animal. Vicious and without mercy. It hides inside of you, quiet and small- until it knows that you are not watching- and it will come and sneak to your heart and bite into it.! Making it pain and hurt.! It seems that sometimes it goes to sleep for a long time-then it suddenly is awake all the time. Biting every day.`
`you know about it..- Kyle seemed surprised a little- speaking softly.
` I know, my boy. I have that animal inside of me as well.!`
He was quietly looking at me..having turned around to sit between my legs-his injured leg hanging over mine to the deck.
` does it go away..-` He was hoping I would say yes- I knew.
`it does not go away, Kyle, but you can tame it.! You can speak and share with the ones you love. You can find a way to give it a space that does not hurt all the time. Right now it is much alive inside of you, my boy.! For a few hours it went to sleep today- why.-`
`I don`t know, Uncle Alan..- But I guess it did-`
` Seems to me that it had to do with something that happened with a boy called Nuno--`
Kyle was quiet.
` you found a friend that was happy to play with you and you were happy to play with him. I will just assume that it felt a little bit like the feeling we call love-. And I know, that the animal inside of us goes to sleep when we love, when we feel the joy and the excitement of being with someone we like- we care for, we feel happy about--- we love a little.!`
Kyle was leaning against me with his head against my chest, his hands around my neck.
`That animal goes to sleep, because it feeds on pain and disappointment and anger and hate and disillusionment- so when there is joy and love and happiness- it sleeps.`
Kyle turned around and moved closer against me with his back- he had changed into his sweats- he pulled my arms around him and stuffed my hands down his pants. Together with his.
His lizard was awake- but not up yet.
` Nuno is like David-.. ` Kyle breathed out. ` at least I think so-`
`Tell me why, my boy..-`
He took his time- thinking about it- his lizard liked the thoughts-!
`we went into the change area- by the toilet, when you gave him my clothes- and he wanted to look at me. I knew. He had the same hungry look that David has sometimes--` Kyle`s voice became very soft and low-` do I have it too, Uncle Alan..-`
I know he wanted me to say `NO`- but that was not the truth and in a different way he deserved the truth. `Yes, Kyle, you have-. But differently- I think you have it for other reasons.`
Kyle sniffed..: `I know-` This seemed not a happy thought.
` Nuno wants to play.!`
`I know, you guys played all afternoon, I think it was good.`
`Not that, Uncle Alan,-. You know what I am saying- he wants to PLAY.! Lizard play.!
He has a nice lizard too- smaller of course, but nice.! ` Kyle, the connoisseur of boys dicks..-
` He did not even ask- maybe he did not know how to---..` Kyle was thinking about it, his dick twitched, ` he just took mine in his hand. He likes to play. The first time, he did not have to get naked, but he did- and he, he- sucked my dick.!` Kyle breathed out and his dick was hard and twitching.
I squeezed it. He moaned.
` I liked it. He knows what to do.!`
`And that is why you like him..-` Kyle looked around at me-
`I don`t know, Uncle Alan- I feel bad about it, because I like him- but I let him do it anyhow.! I WANTED him to do it.!`
`Why do you feel bad about liking him- and letting him do, what he WANTED to do.-`
Kyle shivered, despite the warm night.
`Because--. Because I am not to want it. I am not to do it. .. not want him to do it again.
Not want you to make me lose it and want to be fucked hard and fast-!` He was pushing the words out, spitting them on the ground in front of himself and once again showing his intelligence-` I can feel the animal, Uncle Alan, it is biting-` he was crying now- ` it is biting hard.!`
I held him close to me.
`love. Kyle- love. Even if it is only for a few minutes with Nuno in some toilet. Or with me in bed all night- it is about love.! I love you. I think you love me a little. Let it go, Kyle- the pain is not yours. The animal bites- but it does not have to be like this- you can do something about it.! You can love me, you can love Nuno-you can love David, your mom-. Your dad.! All at the same time..!`
He was sobbing.
`Come, my boy- fight the animal-! Laugh, love-. Tell me about how it felt with Nuno- how it feels with me..-!`
`Love me, Uncle Alan- make me love it. Make me feel it- again.!`
Kyle was not crying any longer, but I knew the animal was still biting him.
`Come back, Kyle- talk about the love-the good feeling. The thing that goes buzzing inside of you, when you smile at David- at your mom and dad- at Nuno- even at me.!`
He shuddered.
The animal was curled around his heart. He felt it. He felt it`s bite. He felt a little of the pleasure of that pain. That dark pleasure we can get lost in so easily.
I squeezed his limp lizard- I grazed my fingers around his balls and up his tummy to his chest.
Nipped his nipples and stroked his sides on the way down-underneath the shirt.
Slipped my hands along the inside of his thighs- touching his crack slightly, following the ridge underneath his ball-sack.
Slid his pants down and finally off- caressing his calfs-one of them carefully- and his feet.
Pulling on his toes, as I lifted his feet into his lap- pliable young boys-!
Holding him tight against me with one arm and running fingernails across his tightened balls and shaft-pinching his glans.
He was breathing heavily. Silent. Small shivers at times underneath his skin.
`Are you putting the animal to sleep, Kyle..-`
I was whispering into his ear- sliding my tongue around the outside down his neck to his collarbone- kissing him there.
` More-` he breathed.
`Tell me about the joy, Kyle-`

`I think Nuno is in love with me-` Kyle was breathing deeply. ` How does he know.-`
`Know what..-`
`That it is ok to hold my dick.- That I will not beat him up.- That I like it-` he breathed out.!
I let my hands wander over his body- letting them silently make small signs of protection from the animal all over him. I knew I could not reach inside- but he felt it.
` I think he just goes with what he loves, Kyle. I think maybe he can not always do that- but you are a foreign boy. An angel in his eyes- and the eyes of others.` I rubbed his tummy.
`He sat on his heels in front of me and reached out- I let him. I wanted him to. I liked it--. I wanted him to make me feel good.!`
` I did not do anything to him, Uncle Alan- I just took all of what he wanted to give me-..`
Kyle was talking softly. The maturity of his words were not lost on me- although I was not sure if he actually understood it.
`Why was he there today..- Why did I meet him..- Why is he like this..-`
Hmmmm- I am an old Dragon and know the answers to many things, but I speak in riddles and that means a boy would not understand. What can I tell him in the way he understands.-
` Maybe it was because you needed someone, other than me- because we have something different- to show you that not everybody hates you, Kyle.-`
He looked at me with disdain.
Then it changed to something like shame and his head sunk lower.
`No- Kyle, don`t let it bite you again.! We are good. I like you-. Even love you a bit.! The hate is only feeding it. Let it go.!`
I massaged the ridge between his ball-sack and his hole- he shifted.
His legs came back up in frog-fashion- he was lifting his groin rhythmically to my pushes into his crack.
`Good-` his husky voice was back.

Yes- it was good.
Good in the ball-crunching release kind of good- but also in the loving, tight, close, becoming an idiot slowly kind of good.
The first kind was Kyle- keening when I slipped into him. Panting and moaning when I slipped past his prostate again and again in the quick jabs he demanded.
He was clear.
`Fuck me please.!`
I had carried him downstairs, because he feigned needing help because of his injury- I indulged him. Dropped on the bed, he found pillows to put in the right places- as I got myself cleaned in the bathroom. Found the slippy stuff and had put sufficient up and around his hole, that nothing more was needed, except a bit of patience in the first few minutes of the penetration.
His legs up, ankles around my neck- we kissed while `fucking`. But he was more directed, more insistent-more to the point. And that point was a thrashing wailing orgasm that strangled my cock inside of his ass. That made him hiss and cuss and blubber all at once.
That had nothing to do with angelic boy-but all to do with the devil dance of lust.!
He liked it- no more pretense. He wanted to cum, badly so- even with the excitement of Nuno`s treatment.
He was not only ready, he was READY.!
I was in the end an instrument of pleasure for him.
That was ok by me- as long as there was loving after.!
There was.
Kyle was raw- was letting go and kissing with passion. Moaning softly and twitching under me. Holding me close. Sighing into my ears when I stroked his sides and brushed his hair from his sweaty brow.
Letting me kiss and lick his nipples into hard points of tender sensations.
Nibbling on his pouch of balls that was crunched up against his body.
Stroking down the inside of his thighs-massaging him softly and raking my fingernails over the same spots later.
Pushing hard against the junction of his legs under his balls- he heaved up- pushing his dick into my mouth even further. My teeth slipping up his shaft until my lips were lodged underneath his crown. Stroking his glans with my tongue- he was close- a few times.
But I wanted him NOT to come just yet.
His words were shaky from the emotions cursing through him-:` please make me cum. Uncle Alan- you are my man, you make me cum please-again-.`
` are you ready for the joy, my boy--`
He sighed deeply.
He stretched his arms up above his head- folding his hands together- his legs coming up at the same time. Splayed wide but his feet touching underneath his balls- He liked the fact that he gave up- gave in- let go.
I leaned over him.
` I love you, my boy-` and slipped my cock into his hole again.
He twitched in the spasms that want to escape- then opening himself he let my head past his sphincter- but I pushed on-
His mouth opened- and he exhaled--. As I pushed all of my length into him in one steady flow.
` aghhhh-. Ohhhh-YES.!`
He submitted to the pleasure as I slid over his little knob of ecstasy.
I knew, I was allowed, to fuck him now.
To seek my own pleasure in the soft, hot- gripping tightness of his body, because there was so much pleasure for him.
Slow, long drives of pleasure into Kyle`s bottom.
The soft moan at the end of my drive- the hiss on the pass over his prostate, giving him the wiggles.!
I had his arms stretched out above him, his legs are folded under my belly. He is a little immobilized by my weight on him- and my cock inside of him.
He likes it, I sense- this giving up.
He can allow himself to experience the joy he wants, because he is powerless to resist.
Yeah- I wish sometimes it was different, but with boys it often is this.
The surrender to their pleasure has to be fought over.
They have to be battled to surrender.
To give in..to let go.
A woman NEVER surrenders. Giving her body has nothing to do with it.
For a boy it does.
There is pleasure where it is not supposed to be. There is love, where it is not allowed.
There is surrender, where it is not accepted.
Unless some part of the boy accepts that all this is not making him less a BOY.!
That he can have all this- without giving up himself.
The holding on to the idea that he is `BOY`.!

And this BOY beneath me- he was so much boy, beautiful boy.
` I would not love you, Kyle if you were not a boy.!` I panted-` a beautiful boy that loves.!
That has all this joy inside of him.! NOT HATE.!`

He did not let me know if he understood, but I know he heard me.
Even as I was moving inside of him.
`Faster-`
He stammered out his need.
`Harder-`
I was more than willing. I fucked him. Hard. Fast.
Until I came deep inside of him.
Kyle had had another orgasm and was almost asleep.
But held on and on-and on---
In the shower. Drying him. Re-spraying his scratch. Putting ointment up his bum and around his hole.
Holding on.
Holding on when I carried him to bed.
Holding on.

*
-17-

Of course we had to go back to the river beach in town the next day.
Kyle was insistent.
I made him do chores- as a way to pay for my indulgence to go down there again.
I knew this would cost me lunch, snacks and drinks- possibly dinner.
So- he could earn some of that money.
He wanted me to take it from his generous allowance, but I refused.
What is the old Buddhist saying:
`Chop wood, carry water. Sure way to enlightenment.`

I had him do the chopping wood part.
At first he was proud to be handed the axe.
The big one, at that.
Half the size of him, if not taller.
So I showed him how to split some wood.
Set the axe, lift and split.
He did a few with me there- he understood the principal.
Naked sweaty boy, splitting wood- a very sexy sight.!
Ok-yes- he was wearing sandals.
I was not really worried. Had seen enough naked 6-year olds, with machetes that were almost as big as them.
After splitting some- I had him do kindling with the hatchet.
He was getting tired swinging the big axe.
He looked terrific-
Made kindling.
Sweated some more.

Stood in front of me- smelling very exciting, paw outstretched.
Sweat-covered and brown all over.
Shiny.
I pulled him close and held him in my arms.
Licked across his chest and neck. Hmmmmmm-..
`Uncle Alan- if you keep that up-my lizard will wake up and then Nuno will be disappointed-`
`Oh-. I am paying you- and competing with your friend from yesterday--.!!!!`
I poured it on-
` Ohhh man, you have me all night. You fuck me until I scream and you are jealous of a boy with a 2 inch dick-.-` He was smirking-. And moved around so I could lick his back and bum.
Wiggled away again:` besides, I will have to share you with Nuno anyhow, I bet- he is going to get you to fuck him as soon as he can- I am sure of it.!`
I did not let myself wander down that road in my mind and handed over a 10-er-.!
Kyle swiped his hand underneath his balls, around his lizard and wiped it across my lips.
YES-!
That cheeky boy needs a lesson in etiquette.!
If you do it once-. Do it twice-- but he had skipped down the stairs to the bathroom.
Ahhhmmmmmmmm-. Perversion, everywhere one looks.!

We arrived at the river beach well before lunchtime.
No Merchant Road today- little red truck instead of Roman ox-cart.
Kyle hopped out and ran off to the beach in search of Nuno, leaving me to lug the knapsack with towel and swim-trunks, water-bottle and book for me to read while I waited for the boys to get tired, long pants and shirt for my boy for the evening- he was planning on a long afternoon followed by pizza ...no doubt.
Well, a disappointed Kyle was waiting for me at the esplanade. No Nuno.!
I suggested it may be a little early for him to be here and we did have shopping to do.!-
He was not happy, but it was ok- at least he could stock up on boy-food essentials this way.
He DID.!
Knowing that he would exercise it off- I allowed things that were a sure hospitalization for me. However- I drew the line at `Kinder-surprise Chocolate Eggs`.!
Bags loaded in the truck we made our way back to the river.
It was well past lunch now.
Kyle did not run ahead and we walked together along the river from the parking spot to the restaurant on the side of the river. We had not eaten anything for lunch either.

Nuno was waiting- sitting alone on the wall next to the change-rooms/toilet..looking at the river-beach. Looking a little sad it seemed to me- that is, until he saw us.
Or better-Kyle.!
The boys practically fell over each other. Yeeze- makes you know ones place.!
Of course Nuno had lunch with us- well, he had a drink.
He told me in English, that he had eaten lunch already- I was not letting on at my surprise of his language skills- because his Grandmother would not let him go before. As he was not to be fed by strangers again.
He hung his head a little.
But it seems that he had charmed himself into being allowed to spend time with his new friend at the beach.! He kept calling me `Uncle`, like I was used to be called by boys in Asia, if they did not know my name or as a sign of respect.
I liked it. He was making points with me- Besides his attractive body and smiling face.!
After inhaling chorizos and chips- Nuno had a few bites, smiling, from Kyle`s plate- my boy grumped about having to at least start digestion, before being allowed to run off to change.
Nuno in hot pursuit..!
I ended up with both boy`s clothes in my lap- a kiss on the cheek from Kyle--.. which made me wonder what had happened in the change-room/toilet-.and Nuno in red speedo`s.!
His tan showed that this was his usual costume- if not less.
I had a few irregular heartbeats, looking at him- he sprinted by, looking back at me, smirking.
Bloody hell- I am glad they outlawed those things.! Give an old man a heart-attack.

I watched them play for a while.
Then got into my book and let a glass of red wine mellow me.
There were few people here again- it was not holiday time, so no surprise.
The usual boyfriend-girlfriend young people. A family with toddlers and a well dressed older woman in the shade in the back.
Reading absorbs me, so despite my lingering gaze on the boys play and excitement, except for the occasional shout, which brought me back to this world, I was deep into Verlain`s correspondence with Gide, by letter.
So it came as a surprise- the throaty voice of a woman next to me- speaking in English-
`Mr.Hunt, may I sit with you for a moment.-`
I looked up, sat up and came back to life-` Ahmmm, sorry, of course, sorry-. ` I got up.
The woman sitting in the back had come to my table.
`Please relax, Mr. Hunt-` she chuckled` all is well.`
I had got back to reality. I offered her a seat with my hand.
`You know my name- and you are..-` I wanted this to not be in-hospitable, but maybe it came out a bit rough.
She smiled again.
`You are the man that lives in a deserted village, Mr. Hunt, a little bit of an interesting thing.
Not the usual crazy hippie that wants to `get back to the land`..or whatever they call growing `weed` these days.` She laughed.
`You are a bit of an enigma, Mr. Hunt. As you are obviously not part of the `hippie` or `ex-pat` scene. So people make up stories about you, you know-.` Her voice trailed off.
`there are those that think you are just plain crazy-. Then there are those who think you are running from a crime- and finally those, who think love gone wrong has turned you into a recluse and writer of sad poems-`
Her accent was refined British with a colonial lilt. From where, I was not sure. It escapes me how some people can pick up on things like that so clearly.
` So before we go any further, please order some coffee, so the peasants around us will have something to flap their gums about.!`
She was laughing softly.
I did.
And the man bringing the coffee seemed curious- just like me.
`So- you are..-` I started again.
`Nuno`s grandmother.!`
`Ahmm, yes-` I was sorting the things and the way she was speaking, behaving- looking, at me- and out at the boys playing in the river.
The coffee in front of us, she fixed me with her gaze.
` my parents had the good grace, intelligence and means to have me educated in Lisbon and Paris. We lived in Mozambique until everybody moved. I married in England and lived for a long time in Maccau--.` She sighed` and I am not trying to impress you, Mr. Hunt. I know from looking at you and some other sources that you have seen a few places on this planet.
What I am trying to let you know, sir- ` she was direct ` is, that different people are not so much a mystery to me.`
She took a sip of her coffee.
I watched her silently- waiting for her to continue.
` I met your `nephew` last night for a few minutes- but long enough.`
My eyebrows raised at that and my hair stood on end at the back of my neck-
` Please, Mr. Hunt- may I call you Alan..- My name is Louise.`
I stammered `En chante, please do.`
`Alan, you have nothing to fear from me.` She waived to Nuno- who was calling to her-` I am of another time, another place-` she seemed sad and far away in her thoughts.
` But what we need to, what I want to talk about is the boys-`
`Did Kyle misbehave--. Ahmm- Louise.-`
She smiled again, looking at me.
`Oh no, Alan- no worries, he is indeed an angel, as the people in town are saying. You do know they talk about you, Alan-` she laughed in her throaty way.` The man on the hill arrives with beautiful boy in tow. This is too good a story. They can not figure it out. Your boy runs around naked in the village. Swims in the pond. You walk him and care for him. You seem NOT the pervert type and the Angel smiles on all-. ` She was once more smiling at me as well. ` Quite the story- would you not think so, Alan.-`
`Well, -Louise, the answers are all too common, too normal really. Maybe I should not tell the story, so they can have their story instead- it sounds much more romantic..` I was smiling at her as well now.
`Some day, you can tell me- but right now, today I need to talk about Nuno with you- Alan. Nuno and Kyle.!` She was serious.
She waved her hand- the boys were running up to our table- standing next to me and dripping water on me.
` Boys- what-. - I am getting all wet..-`
Kyle wrapped his wet arm around my neck- ` drink please, Uncle Alan..-`
Nuno was leaning half on Kyle, half on me.
I handed over a 5-er and told them to get lost.
I sighed- looking at them running.
`Yes, Alan- that is what I need to talk about.` Louise was serious.
`Nuno is different from other boys--. As you know.!` She left no room for objection.
` He was sent to me, because of some unpleasant thing with his step-father. Seems the boy was becoming a bit too close. My daughter found them in a compromising situation.` Louise was not losing her tone..` my daughter is of another generation- too stupid in some ways. So she sent him here. She knew he was safe with me- alas, he is not safe in school or with the other peasant boys.`
`How can I help..-` She waved me off-
`Nuno is interested in boys- probably even more so in men... and he does not know how to stop.!` She sighed ` it endangers him. He is not tough enough and does not want to be. So he becomes sad. Lonely and sad. And we know where that leads, don`t we, Alan--`
She looked into my eyes-` We both have been there-. Likely for different reasons, but the pain is the same.`
` I watched Kyle last night and again today- from up there` she pointed to the seats under the trees.` And I watched you, Alan-`
I was unsure what I was going to face now-
`There are times, it seems to me, that a boy needs a man in a way, society does not want to understand-! Or at least another boy.!`
She was watching the boys giggle and play with their feet under the table as they were sharing the drinks.
` Nuno finally found someone like him. Your angel- has been that to Nuno. He is in love, like little boys fall in love- all of him, totally.!`
`I think Kyle feels pretty close to Nuno as well-`
`That is, because he is a loved boy, Alan- your Kyle.! He sparkles.! In a way only love- and I do mean the physical kind-` she was watching for my reaction-` makes you shine.!`
Her hand dropped on top of mine.
She knew I was about to run.
`No need to-` she said softly ` no need to run, Alan. You have nothing to fear from me- on the contrary.` She smiled again-` you may well do both of us a good deed by kissing my cheek when I am leaving in a minute or so-`
` Louise, we may be from a time that does not mean much any longer, but let me say this-` I breathed out:` it was a pleasure indeed to meet you and to know you. I hope we will have another chance to talk..-`
` You will, -dinner is at 7pm- I like to retire early and you need to get up to that hermitage. Nuno knows. He will make sure you are on time.`
I did kiss her cheek when she got up and left.
The man at the bar noted it- I am sure it would be around town by tomorrow.

Verlaine and Gide- I just could not get back into it-
Sat and stared into the distance- watched the boys dance in the shallow water.
Little gods they were.!
For the moments together they were playing in Olympus- watched over by the gods- despite the fact that the world had left it`s marks on them already.

We were almost late for dinner.
The boys had to sit in the truck on towels in their swim-suits.!
We arrived at the small house, sitting in a large garden with a vine covered driveway, somewhat above the town on the sunny side, just minutes before 7pm.
` Two wet rats, Louise, `I called into the hall-` and one tired old watch-dog.`
`Hunting dog more like-` she called back from somewhere inside- I assumed the kitchen.
The boys ran down the hall to the bathroom. I had talked sternly to them- not that this does any good with giggling boys that make eyes at each other and grope in a friendly way.
I followed the sound of activity with pots and such- - may I help.-`
`Yes, of course Alan- I am an old woman that is feeble and needs constant care-` she blistered
`Go and open the wine, if you MUST help.!`
I found the dining room off the kitchen- set for four.!
Wine and water on the table. Cesare Evoria playing on the music system.
I opened the bottle-decanted it into the Salazar waiting on the table.
Suddenly a whispered, urgent- ` Uncle Alan-..` from the hall.
Kyle in the buff, Nuno giggling from a doorway further down the hall- `you have my clothes in the pack-.`
`Well now- and who`s fault is it to forget to take them out.-!`
Kyle blushed as Louise walked past him to the table.
`NO bare butts at my table..!` she sounded stern, but the giggle in her voice was unmistakable.
`PLEASE-. You can spank me later..!` Kyle was cheeky about it.!
`Spank-.did someone say spank..-` I looked around me.
`Ok, Ok-. PLEASE-!`
I handed off the knapsack to him.
` 5 minutes, boys- Louise shouted into the hall.
`Come and have a sip, before they ruing our quite time..` she had filled a couple of glasses.
` I want to thank you, Alan-` I raised my eyebrows again-` for finding this village. Close to this town. WE ` she emphasized this greatly` need you.! Nuno and I.! Welcome.!`
We toasted.
What a dinner.!
Four sides to the table- four people. Two boys, a woman and a man.
I had a quick look at Kyle- who read it correctly and was on his best behavior.
Nuno was delightful. Well behaved, well versed in all things regarding dinner- except his eyes gave him away. He was eating Kyle with his eyes- except for the occasional bite he took out of me.
It was too funny- Louise and I had our own selfish laugh about it.
We sat across from each other- watching the boys eating, but hungering for something else.
Her shrimp curry was delicious- Kyle forgot his friend over it and just made a pig out of himself in terms of quantity.
However- this endeared him even more to Louise.

We sent them off to play before desert.
Louise closed the door to the hall-` They will be doing things that we should not be hearing right now.!`
We had coffee.
` Alan, Nuno will be very sad when Kyle leaves- but he will be happy as well.!` Louise had a way to just load the deck- ` He will want you.!`
` He does want you now- but Kyle is a little more exciting.`
I was still not used to discussing this sort of thing with a boy`s grandmother-..!
` well- any advise, Louise..-`
She laughed her throaty laugh.
`NO- absolutely not.! You are on your own with that one, Alan..!`
We talked about our lives- things that mattered for us- the boys- until we both realized that it was late and we had not had any visits from them.
Yes, of course -the answer is simple.
They were asleep.!
In bed.
Together.
Naked.
Obviously VERY close.!

Louise smiled.
I smiled- they looked like very happy puppies.
`He will wake up and look for me- ` I said softly.
`Nuno will make sure he will be ok.`

I kissed Louise good-night and left Kyle sleeping curled around his friend.
Yeah- I knew it was a good thing- Kyle was solving the David thing maybe, for himself.
I slowly drove up the mountain.
My house was quiet. It seemed empty somehow.
Ok, so I finally had time to finish Verlaine and Gide`s correspondence---.or not.!
I opened another bottle of wine and thought of all the times and all the places- and most of all , of all the little people----..!
Yeah- that small animal came and bit me.
Sometimes there is no defense.

*

-18-

Quiet morning.
The bed had been strangely larger than I remembered.
Sunshine and blue sky.
I sat on the deck with my second cup of coffee thinking about re-potting my Bougainvillea.
And the Dracaena- and the Rhododendron.!
After that I could split some wood.
Carry some water-
Why is it, that not having Kyle around is already making me blue.-
He was going home in a couple of weeks and I was pining already.-
Ok- so it goes for us. We feel a completeness when a boy is around- especially when we love that boy and he finds a way to love back.
All very simple.
All very sad.

All better to do gardening, chopping wood and carrying water.
Boys are a curse.!

I was deep into the Dracaena pot, not listening to anything but the chatter in my mind, when Kyle suddenly stood next to me.
I was on my knees in the courtyard hands full of earth.
Kyle looked at me- I looked at him.
His smile was infectious. His kiss was full of passion. His embrace spelled love.
I was getting wet eyes-
` Worth the drive up here, Alan- to see this-.` Louise was standing in the gate, looking at us.
`I mean your house-.` She chuckled- and winked at us.
`Ahmmm- maybe a coffee, Louise.-` I held on to Kyle.
`Of course Alan, that is what one offers a lady when she visits- it is too early for booze.!`
`Ok-ok, I will clean up- Kyle can get the coffee started.`
He skipped into the house, dragging Louise with him.

I sat on one of the deck-chairs against the stone wall- out of life-long survival instincts.
Louise relaxed in one corner of the sofa. Kyle was sitting cross legged in the other corner.
All very safe- very proper.
`I had a little talk with the boys, Alan..` I could not suppress a smirk:` yes, you may well smile.! Leave it to me to lay out some ground rules.` She laughed.
`It will not do, that they are not safe. The world does not always welcome lovers. Not even love-..`she did not smile any longer: `so I told both Nuno and Kyle that WE expect them to not make fools of themselves and us in public.`
Kyle was nodding.
` So- maybe Kyle can stay with us in town for the next couple of days.- On Friday we will have dinner and Nuno will come and stay with you up on the mountain for the weekend.!`
I was silent. Kyle was biting his lip nervously, looking at me.
` This will give the boys some time to - rub noses- or whatever they do that makes them so happy.!` Louise was smirking at her own joke- Kyle was just about to burst out laughing.
I was silent.
Took another sip of coffee.
` You better rest up for the weekend, Alan- I will venture a guess that they will keep you busy, when they are here.`
I looked at Kyle- his eyes shiny but worried.
This was a good thing, I knew what I was being offered, but I needed to say it aloud.
`Louise, you have seen my little house. There is not much privacy here for 3 men- if it was needed..-!`
` Alan, - ` Louise laughed out loud. ` If I had any thought of you being a `bad` man, you would have never seen Nuno or me again after that first day. You did not see me sitting there, but I did see YOU.!`
I swallowed.
`You have built a sanctuary here, Alan. I am sure it was meant just for you, to protect you from the world. But it has become one for this boy-` she pulled Kyle to her side: ` and I am VERY sure it will be that for Nuno.! Even more so, now that I have seen it.`

`Well, you better pack a few things- Kyle` I said: ` including your toothbrush.`
He smiled- jumped up and into my arms that open to him on some hidden remote control he has on them.
`Thank you, Uncle Alan-` He kissed me again- on the mouth.
`I will take a couple of toys as well-` he winked at me- and galloped down the stairs.

Louise was watching me.
It was ok. I would miss Kyle, but it was good this way. I smiled at Louise.
`Yes, it is good this way, Louise. Thank you for trusting me. He will be safe-. Just like this one.!`
Louise had stood up, anticipating to leave- she stood in front of me and held out her hand- I took it.
`We have an understanding then, Alan. I will expect you to come into town and take me to coffee- we have a duty to the peasants.!` She chuckled. ` we may still find things to talk about- that have nothing to do with rowdy, nasty boys.`
She walked through the gate-` I will be waiting in the car-`

Kyle came to me holding his day-pack.
`This is all right with you, Kyle.- I can stop it, if you want me to--`
He looked at me- seriously- standing between my legs.
Leaning into me, embracing.
`Yes, Uncle Alan- it is good. I want to. It makes the little animal sleep.!`
`Then go and have fun, Kyle. I will be here, if you need me.`
He dug up a VHF walkie-talkie from the pack--.. I doubted they would have the range, but maybe that was not so important-.!
`I will have mine on- all the time.!` I promised him.
` I took the `toy`, Uncle Alan- and some slippy--- ok.-`
`Yes, but be careful- and have fun.! GO-. Louise is waiting.`
He hugged me tight, kissed me and ran out through the gate.

It was good. NO-maybe not so much for me. But after all, I was not going to be part of Kyle`s life so much anyhow. This was good. Louise- I trusted her as well- was going to be good for him.
This was maybe a chance to sort out his home-situation as well- but first I was going back to my Dracaena.
And then the Bougainvillea- and the chopping wood, and--
I was feeling good actually, not about Kyle being gone. I would miss him being close, tonight- but more I was feeling like there maybe was a chance to get this one right. For that little boy, that was going back to a place he called home, that was also scary and sad. He certainly needed all the joy inside of him, he could suck up.!
I chuckled at my own joke.!

I missed him. His smell. His soft skin. His muscles underneath that soft skin.
His panting, when things got soooo good.
His kisses- with his tongue pushing deep into my mouth, looking for mine to play with.
His moaning when all was too much and the stars came crashing down and were burning him up.!
I missed him.
Like I had missed some others before- but this one was only a few miles down the mountain.
He was close.
And still-!
I could almost feel his hands on me. His lips around my glans- making my cock twitch. His fingers stroking my balls as he nuzzled along my shaft.
Kneeling up between my legs and laying himself against my hardness.
With his slimmer hardness- that delicious dick that I would have sucked before- until he screamed for me to NOT STOP.!
Arms around my neck, his head on my shoulder, bucking against me in the rhythm he liked-that came from deep inside of him, from a place he did not understand. But he had to follow. I would hold him close- make sure his thrusts were getting all the friction possible.
Would shiver from his panting and mewing- dripping of sex in capital letters-SEX.!
Whispering little silly words of encouragement to him as he was racing up that hill-crunching, fucking - falling over the edge with a wailing sound of bliss.
His body taking control of the thrusts, jerking him forward- back and again.!
Often almost crying-he would shiver in my arms- soo good, soo good. Soo deep the cliff he had run off.
He needed to be held for a long while after.
I missed that.

I was asleep already when the VHF radio crackled to life with a hailing tone-
`Uncle Alan-` it sounded choppy and crackly, but I could hear it ok. I was surprised. Not the distance, but the terrain was not conducive for this- however- there he was-
`I woke up again-`
` and you are ok, Kyle..-`
` Nuno liked the toy- VERY much.!`
`Do you like Nuno.`
Long pause.
`He is listening-`
I waited-
` I like him too much-and I miss you.`
`Go to sleep, boys-! Nuno has school tomorrow.!`
` I love you..`
`I love you too, Kyle- a little bit.!`
`Good night, Uncle..`
That was Nuno on the mike..
`Go to sleep now, Nuno.! No more playing.!`

The silence was loud.
They had signed off.
Good.
I went back to sleep.

We met for coffee at the cafÈ in the town square. Sitting under the large, old walnut tree.
Louise was the appropriate 15 minutes late. I kissed her on the cheeks- both side, family style.
`You know, Alan, I always wanted a boy- but to be honest, after the last couple of days I am not sure it was a bad thing having only one daughter.` She smiled and her eyes were twinkling, so I knew it was not all bad.
`They are certainly energetic, those two. Except they are completely worn out in the mornings.` She laughed a good-natured laugh.
`It is like having mice in the house- there are all these noises.!`
I chuckled- ` You are entirely correct, Louise- they ARE mice.! They eat everything they can find. They run and play all night and are under the covers when daylight hits.!`
We chatted for a couple of hours about life and things that seemed not so out of the ordinary for older folks to chat about. I spent some time explaining Kyle`s particular circumstance and situation and my involvement.
Louise listened and added her commentary when appropriate.
In many ways, we were comparing notes about our kids- the big ones, not the little mice.
Those were by the river.
I left before they were to return home to Louise`s house for dinner.
Tomorrow was soon enough- well not really, but that sounded good.
Louise smiled at me-` You miss him and he misses you. It is good for you two to be apart, because you need to learn that again- both of you, but I tell you Alan- he is up on that mountain with you in his mind, half the time. The other half is making Nuno silly with happiness.!`

That night it was even later when the crackling and the hailing tone of the radio woke me up.
Granted I had been sleeping lightly, waiting for it to go off.
`Uncle Alan-`
`Umm- I am here, Kyle.`
`Nuno is asleep.`
`Good. So should you be-`
`I am thinking about David.`
`You miss him, Kyle-`
`I should, but I don`t- Uncle Alan- is that bad.-`
`No, Kyle,- it is the way it should be.`
`You are feeling good with Nuno.-`
`Oh yes, he is --. `
`So go with it, Kyle- you are here with us. It is good.`
`I felt the little animal wake up, Uncle Alan- that is why I called for you..`
`I will have you in my arms tomorrow, Kyle. And I will be happy- happy enough for both of us.`
`I miss you.`
`I know, Kyle, I miss you too- but I also know how much fun you are having and that puts my little animal to sleep very deeply.`
He whispered into the mike:` I want you to do me good tomorrow- I want it bad-.!`
He giggled a little.
`Sleep, Kyle- sleep.!`
`I love you- a little bit, Uncle Alan.`
`So do I, Kyle- a little bit more.!`

With that he was gone.
Hopefully to sleep well. I was pretty confident he would. Next to his naked cute friend- hmmmmmm-. Who was likely being naked and cute in my bed with us tomorrow.!
As much as that was exciting- it kept me awake with thinking for a while, as to how I was going to manage this.

Louise had made a very excellent Bacalhau with potatoes and lots of olive oil for dinner.
I had supplied a nice Dao wine.
The boys supplied endless happiness.
`Now you see what I have been suffering through, Alan-` Louise was pointing out the happy smiles, and giggles, the making eyes at each other and constant touching for any reason whatsoever by the boys.
Nuno was radiant. Kyle was subtly glowing. He was definitely the older one. The in control one- except I could see how he lost himself in Nuno`s eyes sometimes.
- I will be happy to have a calm, quiet house for a few days- especially AT NIGHT.!`
The boys heads went down.
But they could not stop swinging their legs to touch under the table.
`Oh, by the way, Alan- Monday is a Holiday- no school.! Nuno is staying with you until Monday night, when we will have dinner again, please..-`
`Oh, I had not realized- nobody told me-` I looked pointedly at Kyle, who just as pointedly looked away from me-` I guess I will just have to put up with him one day longer.`
`It is not the days I am worried about, Alan..` Louise laughed heartily.:` more so the nights.!`
Nuno had the grace to blush deeply. Kyle just lowered his head even more.
`Oh come on boys- how many times did I see naked bums running across the hall to the bathroom in the middle of the night..-`
Both boys made big eyes at Louise-- `Yes, old people sleep very lightly.!` She was enjoying herself. ` Besides, I will send UNCLE ALAN, a bill for half of the electricity for hot water.! Showers in the middle of the night- who has heard of that..!`
I was enjoying this so much- I got the `I will make you pay later` look from Kyle.

The boys cleared the table.
Louise and I had coffee.
`I have packed desert for you boys- this includes you, Alan. You will need energy food. And I want you out of here in good time- like maybe in the next 5 minutes-` she smiled at me.
`They have been on edge all day to get up to your house, Alan. You better get going.`
We did.
Nuno was packed.
Kyle was packed.
I was worried.
But here we were- squeezed together on the bench of the little red truck, making our way up the mountain to my house.
Kyle was sitting next to me- leaning against me.
I had to shift between his legs- he grinned. Nuno was watching.
They were singing to songs on the radio- Radio Comercial never sounded better.
And left me with the 3 bags of groceries and the desert Louise had hoisted on me- while they took off up the lane to my house.
Kyle had a key.
I had the bags.
Seemed fair in a boyish way, I guess.

I could hear them downstairs- my house is small and there are no secrets possible.
Kyle was making room for Nuno`s stuff in his side of the closet.
I packed away the groceries and put out the desert on the deck.
Home made pudim.!
I was going to enjoy this as well.!
Glass of wine, having eaten a good meal- desert waiting and happy noises from both boys- I was sitting on the couch outside and almost felt a bite- of happiness.!
I had lit a bunch of the little candles in the house and outside.
The night was warm and the first stars were twinkling. I was set for romance- and hoped Kyle was as well- well- what about Nuno..-
Oopps- I really had no idea what was ok and what not , in front..or with Nuno around.
I could hardly sent him to bed-.-!

Nuno in fact was the first one upstairs.
Sweatpants and top, bare feet- small feet.! Small boy.!
Smiling boy.
Standing a little shy in the door from the kitchen.
` Come on Nuno- come out-` I waved to him.
Well-. He practically flew into my arms. Oops again. What about Kyle.
Nuno was holding on to me for dear life. My arms closed around him. He smelled nice.
He was light and small- definitely smaller than Kyle.
Who was standing in the doorway- smiling. The light behind him, making his blond hair a halo of light. `If you let him, he will hang on to you all night, Uncle Alan- trust me, I know.!`
Nuno just buried closer- smelling my neck..!-
Kyle had changed into his sweats as well- which was what he usually wore out here.
Bare feet.
He padded close- leaned over Nuno and held my head in his hands- while he pushed his lips against mine. Leaning into the kiss- open mouth- seeking and finding my tongue to suck on.
Moaning softly. Oh, yes- I had missed this.!
`I missed you, Uncle Alan- I missed this-` He licked his lips and pushed in again- wet, soft, hard tongue for me to suck on- to bite in little nips. He had sunk to his knees next to the couch. He also was right about Nuno- he had no intentions of letting go of me.
Kyle and I kissed deeply, with Nuno`s face next to us- watching.
`I think I missed you as well, MY BOY- a little bit.`
Kyle sighed a little when I told him.
He laid his head on my chest, next to Nuno- holding my hand next to his cheek `MY man-`
Nuno`s eyes were getting bigger and bigger. This was something else-. Something that went past his experience.
He moved to the side- knowing that Kyle needed space as well.
Which meant I suddenly had two boys on the couch with me, between my legs -my arms around them.
It felt good. It felt like completeness was returning. I wanted only to be here, right now.
` I need you- Uncle Alan.` Kyle was almost whining a bit. ` I need you to do me-` he swallowed ` need you to fuck me.`
`You want Nuno to be there..-`
`YES,- he needs to know.! I want you to make me scream- he needs to know. I have had the toy up my butt, but that is not the same- he needs to know.`
Nuno was very quiet, very small- pressed against me and Kyle.

` I think we will have desert.`
Kyle breathed in- Nuno breathed out.
`Then we will wash up and see what will come up-` Kyle giggled- he knew he was going to get his wish.! Nuno was clueless but maybe a little relieved.
`YES.!`
Kyle was excited. Sweatpants tented. Nuno giggled.
But we had desert first. Pudim of the best kind.
Kyle`s erection could not compete with the delight of pudim and wilted. Nuno on the other hand- had a hand down his pants.!
A pudim pervert it seemed- we laughed about it.

Yes- after washing the dishes and putting things away, closing the house- it was `SHOWTIME..`
Nuno knew that my shower was big enough for 3-well if 2 of the 3 were boys- anyhow.
Kyle was out of his pants in a flash-. Warming up the water by letting it run.
I was deliberate in my undressing, so Nuno had time to get used to it.
`Nothing happens here, Nuno-that you do not want.! If there is anything you do not like or want- tell us.`
Nuno smiled up at me, from under his mop of dark hair-` I want everything- ` he breathed.
Dropped his clothes and stood fiddling with his dick next to Kyle.
Ok- so this was my first view of naked Nuno.!
Speedo is one thing, but bare butt and skin, tanned everywhere, except that little bit where the speedo had covered his parts- he was certainly luscious.
Kyle was watching me- looking at Nuno.
`He is very sexy- isn`t he, Uncle Alan-`
`He sure is, Kyle-` I filed that comment away for future reference.
Nuno`s pert bum shone white among his brown skin- he looked over his shoulder and turned around. Deliberately. Showing himself to me.
Yeah- he was sexy all-right.!
Kyle was washing his back and bum- Nuno smiled even more and that small spike grew.!
A more than respectable slim boy-dick with a cherry knob on top- foreskin pulling back by itself. Small balls in a pouch that now descended from the warmth of the water.
A compact little boy- small for his 10 years, but well put together in all the right places.
I needed to break the tension a bit, so the old : ` do you have a license for that weapon, mister` joke worked- Nuno giggled..Kyle grabbed Nuno`s dick and the game was afoot.
I stepped under the spray- good thing there were two showerheads-and did not know, who to fondle-ahmmm-WASH first.
In the end it was easy- big to small- I washed Kyle, he washed Nuno. Then turnaround and Nuno washed Kyle and Kyle me.
I made sure my finger went into Kyle`s hole- he moaned and pushed a finger up Nuno- who also moaned.!-
We did make it out of the shower without accident I want to report.
Nuno had been keenly interested in washing my cock, but had been moved aside by Kyle.
Tonight, if not for longer- I was his man.!
Nuno acquiesced.
We washed the toy as well---. I don`t want to think about what the boys did or did NOT do with it. I found another tube of slippy- Nuno was licking his lips---..-
Kyle had lit all the little candles on the ledge above the bed.

He was beautiful.
Yes, I know- I keep saying that. But it was more than his nice face, his muscled but slim body or his soft skin. It was his eyes that closed a little, every time my cock pushed deep into him. His mouth that opened and the little whimpers of pleasure when it grazed over the spot inside of him that made the shivers. The sheen of sweat on his body, reflecting in the candle-light. The blond hair that sparkled, when he tossed his head from side to side in the rhythm of my short jabs against his prostate.
His hands gripping my arms, that were holding me over him, held on with desperate strength.
Kyle was being pushed over the edge by all those feelings inside of him, which I somehow pushed into him- he did not know how. But he did not care either any more. He just wanted it to end- but never to end. We had started out kissing, him laying on top of me. Deep soulful kisses that make Nuno pant, just looking on.
When I rolled him on his back, Kyle was almost frantic in his attempt to get me into him.
Grunts and moans- he had all but forgotten Nuno was watching, sitting cross-legged next to us on the bed- hand firmly around his hard spike.
It was not quite as easy as a few days ago- but suddenly Kyle let it go and opend up with a low wail- and I sank almost all the way in.
`Oh- yesss-` he hissed in short panting breaths. `Yes- there-`
I had him on the side of the bed, with me standing next to it. A big pillow under his bum gave it the right height. His legs clamped around my waist.
We rocked.
A little at first. Pushing myself more into him. Kyle pulling me closer.
Slow, carefully pulling out- he moaned deeply.
Slow carefully pushing in all the way without stopping- he was shaking.
Nuno was quietly watching- I could see a scared wonder in his eyes. He wanted to reach out and pet Kyle, who seemed in pain somehow- but also so full of joy.
I was fucking Kyle with long strokes, the way he liked it.
The way I liked it. Until we got to the harder, faster part later on.
Kyle was drifting on bliss, a little removed from the world.
His dick, which had gone soft at the start was hard again- twitching.
`Make me go, please-.. I need to cum, badly- you have to make me go please-` Kyle was whining-
`I will make you go, my boy- because I am-.`
Kyle interrupted quickly: `my man.!`
` the one that loves you, Kyle.!`

I knew Kyle was close, so I followed my own need by speeding up more and pushing harder, faster.
Kyle wailed and moaned- `Yess- yess- more.!`
Beside us, Nuno was watching, but he almost seemed a little scared of it all.
`You can help Kyle, Nuno..` I said to him between pants..:` rub his nipples a little and pull on his dick.!`
Nuno reached over, between us.
It was not more than 5 pulls on his dick and a little rubbing on his nipples and Kyle screamed out his bliss.
Nuno was wide eyed.
`Keep going, Nuno- you are not hurting him, he is feeling so good it makes him shout.!`
Nuno seemed not convinced, but kept tugging on Kyle`s twitching dick.
It`s head flared and angry purple, wanting to shoot out something that was not there.
Hips pumping, Kyle came hard and long.
When his legs slumped off my hips and his head lolled on the pillow I stopped Nuno.
`I did hurt him- Uncle.!`
Nuno whispered. I shook my head. Lifted Kyle into my arms, keeping my cock deep in him, still hard- he moaned again.
`No Nuno- he feels so good now- so good. You helped him feel very, very good.!`
Nuno was still unsure- until Kyle bend sideways and pulled him close to him and mashed his lips to Nuno`s, kissing him deeply.
`That was incredible- thank you Nuno.!`
`Oh- and me--` I said, pushing my cock into him a bit deeper. Kyle umphed. Eyes going wide.
I pushed him back down and fucked him slowly- he smiled contentedly and twitched with little moans as the feelings returned.
`I think your friend Nuno deserves a little joy as well, my boy.!`
Pulling out, I flipped him on his stomach, pulled his hips up and bum to me- and buried myself in his ass again. Kyle hissed- wiggling back against me.
`Like- oh- more-my man.!` He was feeling good again.
`Nuno, get in front of him- on your back.! And get your good friend here to suck on that nice dick..` I held Kyle`s hips that were finding a rhythm already.
Nuno scampered to follow the instructions and whimpered as Kyle`s mouth closed around his hard dick.
`Ohhhmmmm-..`
Obviously Kyle was doing the right thing.
Nuno was pretty keyed up already and it took only a few minutes of loving attention in the rhythm I gave to Kyle by pumping into him deeply- and Nuno was moaning and thrashing his legs, humping up into Kyle`s mouth in an obviously strong orgasm.
Face contorted in bliss, eyes pressed shut and panting, he looked a very luscious boy.
Kyle had laid his head on Nuno`s stomach- Nuno was playing with Kyle`s hair and sighing when we got to the harder faster stage- Kyle was cuming again- I was helping a little by running my hands all over him including underneath, where his hard dick was twitching in time and his balls had crunched up already.
Short, irregular strokes of release into a moaning, bucking -cuming boy.
The world is sometimes a very happy place, for a short time.

*
-19-

I finally figured it out, when I was watching Kyle and Nuno that weekend.
This was all something different for Kyle.
An exploration.
A tentative, not realized step, towards something else.
I remembered David.
A demure boy of smaller than normal statue. Liquid eyes and a little softness that told a story to those used to watching.
John and the coach- all the desperate moves Kyle had been making.
All the pain and the bite of the animal that was curled around Kyle`s heart.
I suddenly knew what I had been missing.
The blind spot in my vision.
I suddenly knew -

Kyle was hunching over Nuno`s willing bum- pushing his hard dick into the panting boy beneath him. It was later that first night. I was sated- was contented, was full of something soft and warm inside of me- for the boys on the bed beside me.
Yes, both of them. Desire, yes- in that in-determined way, in that overall, consuming way that works a small flame inside of you. Always hot. Always there- too cold to start a fire, always too hot to die away.
There inside of you- becoming all of you.
My hands touched their soft skin. Caressed their legs and thighs. Their butts and their chests. A slight grope of their balls- and a small nip at their dicks.
A presence that was rewarded with little sighs and moans, as they made love.
That, it was.
IT- was love.

Here was another David. Being loved by Kyle.!
Nuno would have taken my cock up his tight ass, given the chance.
Maybe we will end up there, but on that first weekend, what I saw was something entirely different.
Kyle loved this smaller, younger boy with passion.
Not lost on Nuno- who kept pushing for more.
Kyle rolled off Nuno- who had just bucked through another dry cum.
Squeaked like a little animal at the end.
But- I could see it.
He would need it again- because he was still not satisfied. Satisfaction was something inside of him that Nuno did not understand, but sensed and wanted.
Kyle was an instrument of his pleasure that never quite got him where he needed to go.
Yes it made him go- but the stars were still up in the sky and not in his heart.

And Kyle- exhausted from fucking his friend for the second time that night- he was not only tired, but he knew he had missed the target. He had shot what he had- all bullets spent, and still---
I held him in my arms-
` Methinks you like that boy-.. my boy.!`
Kyle looked into my eyes- `Yessss- I think I love him, Uncle Alan.!`
Nuno was in the bathroom- pissing noisily into the bowl.
`Let me teach you something, my boy- for YOUR boy.!`
Kyle looked puzzled.

We had a little desert- in bed. With wine for me... the boys had more sugar drinks.
It was late.
But what did I expect.
They would sleep tomorrow- while I would sit and have coffee.
That was good too.
I had moved Nuno into my lap- running my hands all over him- he sighed.
What a delicious little boy he was- sugary lips and all.
I looked at Kyle- sitting across from us. He was hungry still.
Hungry for that little boy in my arms. Not something he understood too well. Not something he knew how to make go away. Not something that had anything to do with him and me.!
I talked with my eyes- to Kyle- hoping he would understand my love for him.
He panted- looking at me, working Nuno into another state of expectant thrill- wiggling and twitching- little oh`s and moans, as my fingers found all those important spots.
On his neck- near his ears- around his tiny nipples- under his balls- along the inside of his thighs, his legs came up and apart without me doing anything- when holding him tight against me.
Nuno was panting- Kyle was watching- watching.!
Nuno`s legs wide on my thighs, my cock pressed into his bum-crack.
I was softly- too softly for Nuno, stroking the band that held his cherry top to his shaft of his dick. Way too softly.!
Slowly stroking under his balls in that soft pouch- following the line between his legs to his hole- he sucked in his breath, crunching up into me- and after a much too soft circle back up to his tummy. A flat hand moving around his chest- fingers teasing his nipples.
He was shivering by now.
Kyle was watching.
- I am going to put my finger up your hole, Nuno-` I was saying this as much for Nuno as for Kyle. Nuno sighed and gripped my arms stronger and curled his bum up-. To meet my finger.
I moved it around his sphincter- he was still slick from Kyle`s fucking before.
`We are going to find that magic spot, Nuno- the one you have been looking for-`
`Yesss- Uncle-.. please-.` Nuno was becoming shorter of breath already.
Kyle was watching.

It was not so hard to find- a few inches in, curling up towards his stomach- Kyle would be able to reach it with his finger or dick- should have already really. It was small- Nuno was a small boy, but it was there.
His eyes flew open- `AHhhhh--YESSSSS.!`
I hit it after a few tries.
I hit it again- `OHHHHhhh-` he was bucking, clenching-crunching- not knowing what to do to keep the pleasure happening.
I held him close to me-` You are ok, Nuno-. We love you..! You are feeling sooo good-!`
`Yesssss-.. yesss, more-more-`
I knew he would be like this.
He was a boy that needed a lot of loving of this sort.
I motioned for Kyle to come up closer-
` put your finger up into his hole with me-.`
He looked at me in a curious way- but then slid his finger next to mine.
Nuno wailed in more pleasure.
Bucked in my arms..clamping his legs around my thighs.
I lifted them up with my other hand- exposing his hole even more.
Nuno fell back into me- sighing.
Kyle`s finger slipped deep along mine.
`Follow mine, my boy- feel for it-`
I let my finger slip out a bit, pushing Kyle`s to the spot it had been-
Nuno bucked and moaned deeply.
`Yesss-. More-!`
Kyle had found the target.
`He looked at me-`It is small--!`
`And gives ALL that pleasure- in you as well, my boy.!`
He was feeling around more- and hitting it again.
`Ahhh-.` Nuno was responding- Kyle was smiling.

`Be gentle, my boy- until he asks for more-`
Kyle nodded.
I had removed my finger- Kyle was fully inside of him with his middle finger.
I was holding Nuno`s legs apart and up and nuzzling his neck.
`Yesss- yess--- !`
I looked at Kyle-
`Your boy has a hard dick- think you maybe need to do something about that--`
Kyle looked at me-`--. My boy-.` He was whispering-.looking up into my eyes, past Nuno`s head that was rocking from side to side because Kyle was moving his finger around inside of him-. ` My man-` Kyle said softly- Not breaking the lock on my eyes. Even when he sank his lips around the little boys hard dick sliding from the cherry top all the way down- while Nuno wailed in delight.

Yes, that is how it goes---.
Yes it does.!

Nuno was a well loved boy that weekend.
As was Kyle.
Kyle and him were asleep in a huddle the next morning, when I got up. I let them sleep.
Coffee and silence on the deck-in the morning shade.
A naked Nuno wandered up before Kyle and found my arms.
I covered him with the soft blanket that was on the couch for the evening.
He crawled into me, holding on tightly- smiling.
A kiss on his head and he was asleep again for another half an hour- or so it seemed, when I woke up again 2 hours later and found that Kyle had joined us and was asleep under a blanket on my legs.
Ahhh- life with puppies.
Water them, feed them-walk them and they sleep on you.!
And if you are not careful, they pee on you too.!
But they love you- wet tongues and all.!

Nuno went home to Louise with a slight sunburn on his bum, despite my best efforts to keep him creamed up.
He was of course following Kyle`s example and running around naked most of the time- in the house, in the village. At Kyle`s pond, where we had lunch on Saturday- and again on Sunday.
Monday we were making preparations for the boys to walk back to town, via the old Merchant Road. We had walked every day- over the ridge to other valleys or down to the other river beaches- which was never good enough, because it was the weekend and other people were there, enjoying themselves- which necessitated a trip to Kyle`s pond, where clothes would simply drop off the boys and freedom was achieved again, by cooling one`s dick in mountain spring water.
We had lunch at my house on the deck on Monday. The boys in the buff, despite some people in the village- but my deck is private. No prying eyes unless you count the satellites- at night.!
Nuno was brown and had grown a foot- well not really, but he was a confident little warrior by the time they left to climb the hill to the village, that gave access to The Roman Road.
I had arranged that we would meet at the river beach in town for a quick dip and then off to Louise`s for dinner.
Of course I made my way down the mountain before and picked up Louise.
She was excited- she was sparkly eyed.
We had coffee and talked. I shared a little about the weekend. As much as she wanted to hear. It was good, it was nice to share.
The boys took a little longer than I had anticipated, but then again- maybe they found some distraction on the way down. But they were sweaty and dusty. Were a bit tuckered out, but full of victorious feelings of having adventured alone and done it.! Walked all the way into town.!
We hugged, family style with kisses in public- and they scampered off to change.
- I knew it- ` Louise said softly, when they were chasing each other in the water..: ` you found the way somehow- Alan.!`
She squeezed my hand.
`I am VERY grateful to you, my dear friend. Nuno looks absolutely splendid. Sparkling. Happy. Full of--` she was a bit at a loss for words- very unlike her, and rummaged in her handbag for a handkerchief..: ` life.! Happiness.! Boy takes on world.!...I don`t know-.` She trailed off.
`Forgive me for being a weepy old woman-.`
I squeezed her hand and held it.
` Nothing to forgive-, Louise, you are not the only one that has shed tears this weekend.! It has been a bit of a rollercoaster- for all of us- but mostly for them.!`
I watched them play.
`But I think they came out ok..!`
`Because they were safe, Alan--. With you.!`
`Because, Louise, there was love.! Something often missing - `

We let them play and rinse off the heat, but then I whistled them out and back into clothes for walking the streets.
There we were, walking down the streets of this prim and proper little white-washed town. For all it looked like the grandparents had taken the nephews swimming. I chuckled.
Louise laughed out loud. The boys just looked at each other in that look reserved for `silly old folks`.
Kyle and I left after coffee.
I had told Nuno before that Kyle and I were off for a few days to the higher parts of the mountains- not far, but just us.
The weather was promising steady sunshine and warmth and I wanted time alone with Kyle. Nuno smiled. A little disappointed and making sure I still would have him up for the weekend after.
But he also knew that Kyle would be thinking about him- besides, we were not that far away.
The VHF radios would keep us in touch.
Well-them anyhow.
But I had told them that it was limited to a chat in the evening.
Louise was looking at the boys hugging good-bye and smiled at me.
`Thank you for dinner, Louise- I will pick Nuno up on Friday latest- But will be in touch before.`
` Alan, I expect coffee at the cafÈ before-` she chuckled. ` Call me when you have come down the mountain.`

The little red truck tracked up the mountain to my village. Kyle was quiet. Laying on the seat, his head in my lap. I was softly stroking his hair when not shifting.
` So my boy has got himself a boy-!` I mused
`- and does not know what to do--.` Ooops another one of those mature thoughts. Kyle was growing up. I was definitely sending back an adolescent- maybe not in body, but in mind.
` you never fucked Nuno- why not- Uncle Alan.- You know I would not have minded a bit- and Nuno would have LOVED it.-`
I was quiet for a moment.
` You are right, Kyle, Nuno would have liked it. But I think you would NOT have. And at this time- MY boy is more important than any other boy.!`
` I would not have mind---.` I interrupted: `But you would not have LIKED it either, Kyle!`
He was quiet. He knew I was right.
It is what it is. We are protective of the ones that we love.
And my boy loves Nuno.
And Nuno loves my boy.
That was enough.
` he will need you when I am gone--.`
Kyle was thinking, speaking his mind.
`and if he does, he knows how to find me.` I replied. ` I wonder what my boy needs--`
Kyle rolled on to his belly- looking up at me.: `loving- please, Uncle Alan.`
I stopped the truck in the middle of the winding little road.
` Kyle, wherever you are, whenever you feel like this- when we are far apart, you do not have to look so far-. ` I was very serious- he knew:` you look where the little animal sleeps, look next to it- the old man that is trying very hard to sing it to sleep again and again will be me.!`
Kyle knelt up beside me.
Forehead against mine, he was crying- not hiding the tears that fell down from his eyes.
His arms around my neck held me tight.
I held him.
`This is all I can give you, Kyle- but amazingly, it is also all you will need-.. my love.!`

I drove slowly. We had no hurry. We did not need to be anywhere but here-now.!
Kyle`s head on my lap, his hand on my leg.
Good stuff this is.
The stuff the universe drips with, if you are ready to let it. Emotions, love.
That is right. Emotions- even if the world screams at you, about who you have them for.
Especially if you let them carry you away to the little sanctuary of bliss found between two peoples bodies- on a starry night in a small country on the edge of Europe, in the mountains in an empty village- on a couch in the darkness.
A little tea-light somewhere- and a loving boy, being loved by his man.
It happens- I swear it.
It happens- to be one of those things that leave tracks on ones soul.

We did love each other that night, Kyle and I.
And the next night, on the side of the mountain, halfway to the top. In a sleeping-bag for two-under the stars. In the wilderness.
In a field of fern, amongst rocks that shouted back at us, when Kyle shouted his bliss into the night.
We stood on the top of that stupid mountain-not even that high, not even important to anybody but us- but when Kyle spit down the rock-face dropping off beside us and shouted his joy at having made it- it was important.!
Just like that night, when we made it back to the house in the dark- and we sat exhausted on the couch together and Kyle leaned into me and said:
`I get it, Uncle Alan-. I get it.! ` he paused-.: ` it is about now.! It is about me. What I want.
Not Dad or Mom. Not David- not that stupid Coach. Not even you- ` I was so proud of him to include the last thing. ` I have to live with it- the way I feel, the things I do- the things I have done.!` He was sighing- `But also the things that will be-`
`Yes, my boy- it has always been about YOU.!`
` Tonight, it will be Kyle that will make love to you-.` He was clear.
`Yes, Kyle- I know. And there will be no more after this.
So you better call me Alan.`

We were very gentle with each other- almost tentative.
This was Kyle, a boy and Alan, a man-. Making sweet love.
With sugar on top.
And caramel inside.

Making bliss.


I met Louise at the cafÈ- after dropping Kyle at the river-beach.
Nuno would be there already, it was later than I had thought.
But we slept late. Had not moved too fast all morning and into the afternoon. Finding ways to be standing together, Kyle often leaning against me. My hands not able to keep off him.
Sitting together on the couch in the sun-sweating, but refusing to let go of each other.

Louise looked at me in a strange way-.` What happened, Alan.-`
I wondered if I could find the words-
`You ended it.!`
She said softly
`He needs to start getting home-.` My voice was not as strong as I had wanted to.
Louise took my hand. ` I know it is only a few days now- I know that so well, because one little boy is driving himself and me insane about it. The only saving grace for me is, that I know a man on a mountain that I can ask for help with this. I would be totally useless and the peasants around us, Alan, are full of hate.! For what they do not have- LOVE.!`
Louise was talking softly but strongly.
It would not do, to raise her voice in a cafÈ.
` You have done this - I venture a guess- many times before, Alan. You know what to do.! You know what is important.! Make it happen- this is what you are good at, my friend.!`
She pointedly ended the sentence with that.

She was right of course.
I was good at this. There were a few other small things I was good at too- but this, this LEAVING thing, I was good at.! Comes from doing it too often.
That did not mean that it did not hurt- but I was good at that too- pain.!

We had a wonderful supper.
Louise and I.
The boys were oblivious to the good food or the nice wine- even the desert.
We retired to the porch- ` They will make those noises-` Louise was snickering.
We had coffee and I mused about my talk with Kyle`s parents, which needed to happen soon.
Louise was no help there.
I needed to find the right words myself.
She went into the house- returning with a large bag. `Here are clothes and things Nuno will need. It will be best if he has a set at your house, as I think he will need to spend some time there soon--. Oh and PLEASE take them away with you now..` she smiled-` they are making disgusting noises.!`

I did.
They made disgusting noises all the way back to the house in the mountains.
Nuno was sucking Kyle`s dick with abandon- Kyle rolling his eyes and moaning, head in my lap.
If I was not such an old man , we would have had an accident.!
At the house, Kyle was fucking Nuno on the couch outside with equal abandon. Slobbering kisses, moaning and wailing aside- it was quite sexy.!
Ok, ok ALL of it was sexy.!
A naked almost 12 year old and an almost 10 year old having sex is exciting to watch.
It is a little like a fight, a lot like playing and then suddenly mushy like girl`s stuff.
They love with enthusiasm and endurance. Rabbit thrusts and rabbit sucks.
I was getting tired watching it.
But I knew going to bed would not save me. There was, after all, only ONE bed.!

I was right.
Kyle was loving his boy well. That finger found that spot on the first try- and Nuno was wailing his way to heaven-
He had waited many days for this.!
Three days actually.!
Kyle was smiling at the little boy withering under him- his eyes full of love and also of `man`.!
He looked up at me- feeling my eyes on him- and did not know what to do. I had seen that look- the one that says-: I am in control and will give you so much joy, you will be mine forever.!....
`I know, Kyle- but remember, you are now the ONE.! It is about you- so be careful with your love. Make it good.! Make it last.!-
He pushed his finger deeper, to Nuno`s delight and kissed him deeply, covering him with his body, holding him close, while giving Nuno`s poor prostate a workout it would not forget so soon.!
Eventually Nuno fled to my arms, where he slept all night.
Kyle was close and naked. Wanted me to love him and I told him I did.
But no more making love until we were going to say good-bye.
He had wrestled that concession out of me that last night.

I was thinking of ways to get out of it.

Nuno gave himself so completely to Kyle, I was worried about what would be left for me to put together again after Kyle went home.
The boys were all over each other the whole weekend.
Nuno knew that Kyle and I would be leaving on the Sunday afternoon for Porto.
Kyle`s flight home was Monday.
We would spend the last evening in Porto.
So they fucked on the bed.
On the couch outside at night.
By the pond-despite me being worried.
In the shower.
Kyle eventually fell asleep on the bed next to me, his dick deep in Nuno`s ass, who was asleep already a few minutes ago contentedly.


And then you wave good-bye somehow-
Kyle was kneeling on the seat of the little red truck, hanging out the window.
Louise was holding on to Nuno, who wanted to run after the truck.
And then the world gets in the way with houses and walls- trees and hills.
But it saves you as well.
It saves you from dissolving into the puddle of tears that you feel like.
Because you need to go on.
Walk away.
Run.

Kyle was running- through the village lanes.
Naked.
He was crying.
He was wailing.
And running-
-though the gate into the house out to the deck into my arms.!
`It bites-. Alan, it bites-! I hurt.!`
`Yes, Kyle.`
`This is how we pay for our love. I wish I could make it not so. All I can do is hold you, Kyle. Tell you that it will go away. Tell you what you know already. That it is about you- and who you love. It will not help. You hurt. I hurt. This is what happens-`
I was not helping, but I could not.
I could only hold him as he shook with sorrow.
He slept curled into me, like long ago it seemed- even it was only weeks ago.

I got up and made the call.
`You will pick him up, Laura- tomorrow.-`
`Well, I am really busy tomorrow-` Some things never change-
` You may find that Kyle has grown up a little, in the last weeks-. Laura. Do not expect a meek little boy. He has learned a few things about himself and the people around him. This can go very well for you and John- or very badly, believe me.`
` What do you mean- he is my son- he will do-.` I interrupted her
`Laura- you may want to step back from that ledge-. You push him and many things will happen- none of them will be pleasant, trust me.! This has nothing to do with me- but all to do with what happened with you folks. About which you could have been more honest.`
`Ok, so I pick him up-.` She wanted me off the phone.
`I suggest you make him your friend, Laura. Everything else will spell disaster for your family-.you know that. Here are a few suggestions from a friend-` I paused on purpose- she was quiet, listening: ` I do not care that John fucked Kyle, that is something he will have to work out with his son-who is much more so now. But this fucking his son`s friend has to stop, even if it keeps your marriage alive, Laura.! So do not stop John doing the Scout thing, but enroll Kyle as well. NOT David.! You will find that the relationship will change anyhow.
Kyle will keep John out of the scouts pants, if that is what he is actually interested in, but I doubt it. I will make an educated guess and say John`s problem is sex as such- who cares what hole it is. It will not be David`s or Kyle`s, I can guarantee that. So-.` I had to take a break- she was still there, I could hear her breathing..` let me rescue your family, Laura.
Kyle goes to Scouts, he will like it. John keeps his diversion with Kyle watching him to not overstep. You keep your husband and family and Kyle has a chance to have a home.-
Be at the airport to pick him up and talk to him like an adult for a while- at least on the way back from there to his home, Laura, he will be sad.`
There was a long pause.
`It has not been easy, Alan- Laura was speaking softly-` but I am trying to keep this family together.`
`And this will do that- Laura, Kyle will be on your side.! Solidly.!`
`I should tell you, Alan- David`s parents decided to move. They have already left. There will be no cottage with David for Kyle. I am very sorry for him-.`
`No worries, Laura- Kyle will welcome it. David was a good friend to him for a long time- but not in the last while. Kyle is done with David for now.!`
`Whao- really..-` Laura was perking up.
` Maybe you could take the kids and go to somewhere nice for them, for a week, Laura.
Just you and the kids. NO John. You will find Kyle has grown up and can be YOUR help.`

We signed off assuring ourselves of our friendship- but I was not sure of what was going to happen, once the plane touched down, across the Atlantic.
Watching Kyle sleep beside me, that night, I was running on hope- as always.

*
-20-

Hotel Boa Vista sits just back from the promenade and the old fort, on the shore of the mouth of the Douro. Out from Porto a little bit, along the river road.
Our room on the 3rd floor looked out on to the water.
Waves rolling in from all the way across the Atlantic.
The fact that this was the ocean he was about to cross again, was not lost on Kyle, as we stood on the roof-terrace next to the pool, another 2 floors higher than our room.
`It feels like I have been here a long time, Alan-` he was speaking into the blue.
That of the sky and the water out there.
` So it will be good to go home, Kyle- I think you are looking forward to it- no.-`
He looked around towards me-`Something happened, Alan- here. With you. I am still not sure what it is. But I think I am more-` he was searching in his mind for something that would express what was as yet mostly expressionless emotions..;`-more, Kyle.!`
There are moments when we get to see the future.
I was seeing one right now in front of me. By the magic in the air around us, I saw in the boy Kyle a little of the man he would become, I was sure. Leaning against the railing, half turned around towards me standing beside him- looking up at me, I saw him.
Yes- he was beautiful- as he would remain to me, in my memory.
He was brown of skin, golden of hair- soft of skin and quick of mind. Strong lithe body wrapped with developing muscles and clear blue eyes.
We had been swimming, playing in the pool.
He was still wet and mostly naked, so he sparkled- this was his moment of being a little god- at least to this old man`s eyes.

We walked to the restaurant on the beach, named after the sound of waves, when they wash on to the rocks below it.
We ate sushi.
Both of us wanted something that was not from here.
It was good- not only the food. It was good to be going to a restaurant. It was good being away from the mountains. It was good to be looking out to the sea from our seats by the large windows. It was good to put a little distance between us.
Kyle was leaving in his head.
I could sense it. It was good- well- NO, of course not.! But it was what was needed now.
We ate with our fingers, smiling at each other.
We sat across from each other, with a lot of white tablecloth between us- and walked home in silence.
I suggested another dip in the rooftop swimming pool.
Kyle was quiet, but in the end agreed.
It was nice- stars above, even with the light of the city around us. The underwater lights of the pool making it shimmer.
Kyle was happy to be there- I was happy he was here.
We played with each other. Like friends.
Back in the room, we showered together, like friends- washing each other`s back.
We slept on one side of the bed, Kyle close to me- naked together, like friends.
Kyle did not insist- I did not offer- we were good.!

Dreamless sleep, Kyle was ready to get up when I shook him awake.
Breakfast.
Final packing.
Drive to the airport.
Silent Kyle.
I told him that I had arranged for him to be able to go to Scouts if he wanted to.
He looked at me- searching for something hidden.
I did not give him much, other-:` I think you like being outside and walking. There will be other boys- your age and younger-.` I let it trail off.
He looked even more directly into my eyes. Lips pressed together tightly. Our blue eyes held each other.
`Yes, Kyle--.! It will make sense. Let it go.!`
He walked to the counter with his 2 small bags.
I recognized the purser, Mr. Lancombe, beside the woman checking us in.
-Mr. Hunt-., Kyle. It is a pleasure to have you on board again.` He smiled at Kyle.
Kyle recognized him as well.
`Nice haircut- you look much more grown up.!`
Kyle smiled at him-:` I am.!`
Mr. Lancombe raised his eyebrows, looking from Kyle to me.
I nodded-. And signed Kyle over to him- on the forms for `Unaccompanied Minors`.
` He will be safe, Mr. Hunt.!`
`I know, Mr. Lancombe- I know.!`
Kyle shook my hand.

His bags were gone.
He was walking beside the purser to the passport control- and turned around.
Running at full speed into my arms.
Pressing his lips against mine- not caring who was looking on- tears rolling down his cheeks.
`You are-my man..` He whispered
`And you will always be my boy-Kyle.!`
I held him tight- and let him go-


I took the long winding road back- it was early. Lots of work on the wheel and the gearshift- Up the Douro and across the ridges, down to the mountains that held my sanctuary.
It was afternoon, when I got into town- only a few more miles and I would be home.
But there was more -

Louise answered the door on the first knock.
She looked at me.
Her embrace was strong.
It was good.

She pointed into the house.
`He is hiding.` She was clear..: I think he needs to go with you for a day or so.`
She looked at me-:` I think you need him to go with you as well, my friend.!`
She stepped aside.
`Find him.`

I did.

************************************************************************************************
Epilogue


I heard from Laura a few times in the first year.
Things were working out it seemed.
After that it was down to Christmas mail and Birthday wishes.
I had chosen NOT to visit Canada for a while.
When I did, after a couple of years, it somehow was never possible to meet up- Kyle was away for the summer at Scout camp anyhow.
I never heard from him- but I had not expected to.

Nuno and I wander around the country a lot.
He spends the weekends.
Louise and I have dinner on Friday nights and Sundays.
Nuno is doing well in school now- he is well liked it seems. A good looking boy that is happy and boisterous. Full of life-as they say.
He chuckles when I tell him he is too much so, for an old man like me.
And yes- I am his man.
He is my boy.
But that is another story.

***********************************************************************************************

I did not recognize the voice on the telephone- although there was something familiar about it in an obscure way.
` Alan-..` a youngish voice.
It was early summer-
`This is Kyle.!`
Whoosh-. I had to sit down-
`Kyle- my gods.! Have not heard from you for -.` I did the math, but he was quicker
` six years, Alan- I am almost 18 now.`
`Well, well- so what`s up.- How are you.- Where are you.-`
Pause- a long pause.
` I am at Louise`s.`
`Can I come up to see you.-`
I was a bit stunned to be honest.
` Of course you can- Kyle. I will pick you up.`

My head swam a bit- I had to drive slowly, I was not concentrating too well. I was suddenly full of memories of an almost 12 year old boy that had spent weeks with me, many years ago.
At the end of Louise`s driveway I was not sure if I wanted to get out of the car.
I knocked.
I was shaking just a little.
Louise opened- and smiled.
`You can be proud, Alan- he is well.!`
`Maybe that was not my doing..-`
`Oh yes, my old friend- we have been talking for a few hours- I know.! He is as nervous as you are-` she was chuckling..: ` they are in the back.!`

Nuno and Kyle were standing close- arms around each other`s shoulders.
Nuno even at almost 16 still small- and as always, smaller than the young man that was holding him close. Kyle was tall, broad- looking very well. Early summer tan, blond hair- a little shorter than the last time I had seen him- blue eyes- that now looked at me.
He let go of Nuno.
My vision was not so good- it had become a little blurry.
But he stood there- and as before, when he walked up, my arms opened to him.
His embrace was strong- was meant for me.
I closed my eyes for a moment and thought of a blue eyed boy in my arms at the airport in Porto.
`My boy-` I couldn`t help it. It slipped out. Blame it on old age.
`My man-` he whispered.

Louise pushed us out the door with a promise to be back tomorrow for lunch.
Nuno smiled- and waved.
We drove up the windy road to the empty village in the mountains.
Kyle was almost stroking the little red truck, sitting beside me, smiling broadly.
He pointed out things and places from his memory- some were not there any longer, but I filled them in.
He ran up the lane to the house- I had told him that the gate was not locked- had forgotten in my rush to leave.
He stood in the courtyard- in the sun. Looking around and somehow not knowing what to touch first. I unlocked the door. He stepped in- hesitantly.
`It is smaller than I remember..`
I laughed-.` You were a small boy, Kyle.!`
He went downstairs and dropped his day-pack, which looked a little familiar, on the bed.
`I used to try to count the knots in the wood-` he smirked: `when you were fucking me- so that I would not cum too soon- because I wanted it to last forever.!`
I was quiet- he had laid back on the bed- looking up.
He had come to talk.
I knew this.
What I did not know was where it would lead.
Turning on his belly, he looked long the ledge at the head of the bed- it still had little lights on it, sitting in a bunch at one side.
`You have no pictures of any of your boys-` it was not a question. He was looking at the small frames lined up on the ledge.
`I do, Kyle-, of every one I loved. There is one of you as well.` He tried to make out if there was something in the pictures he had missed.
`My pond.!`
He turned and smiled at me-
`yes- you are there, because I can see you, Kyle- others do not have to. It is the same with the other pictures. I can see the boy in it. That is what it is. It is for me to remember.`
`I did not have a picture of you when I left- when I got back. All these years.`
`Would you not have recognized me, Kyle--`
`Of course-` he bristled-; I would have picked you out in a crowd anytime.`
`Thank you. I guess that settles it. You did have a picture of me- in the safest place possible for you to have it. You could not lose it.!`
I used both of my hands- one finger pointing at his heart, the other at his head.
He grabbed both of them, pulling me down to him.
Looking directly into my eyes.
`I missed you so much at first. I did not know what to do. I almost went to dad again for it-.` He was talking quietly, but intently:`-but I didn`t. It was not right. I never did again- get fucked. God, how I hated you after that. You had made me your boy and I wanted you.
And then I was back in Canada and you were in these mountains here. You never came back.! Even when I needed you so much---. Yeah for a long while I hated you.`
He didn`t let me go.
`And then- then, I fell in love.` He broke the lock on my eyes- his went soft and far away-`and suddenly, I could see you again. I could feel you inside of me. And I was not mad at you any more- because, I remembered all the good things. `

` He was a 10er in our troop. He followed me around an entire summer, like a puppy. And I let him- more than that, I loved his attention- and suddenly..` Kyle smiled at me:` suddenly I was in love with him.!`
I pulled him up and we went out to the couch on the deck.
`Good old couch` Kyle petted it. ` I remember you well.!
I made coffee- Kyle had one of those mini beers.
`That was last year, Alan. They moved away in the fall- I was seriously in pain. That little animal was biting me good.`
It was good to talk in the sun. On the couch- with the silence of the village around us.
`And now, Kyle--`
He smirked- `I will tell you all about it-. But can we go to my pond, while it is sunshine.-`

We did. He was happy. Chattered about other things on the way down- he still knew where to go. Home-life was ok. Mom was busy. Dad was-well weird some times, but no more boy stuff and all was well. Sister had grown into a bratty teenager and he was now finished with school. This was his pre-university trip, he had earned himself with his grades and being an Eagle Scout.
David and he had found each other via the internet after a while and had gotten back to being friends. Had managed to con the `rents into sending them to the same camp a couple of times- without the parents knowing that the boys would be together there.
No- there had not been any more sex- they were over that somehow. They were friends. Good friends. And besides- David was into men.
And Kyle..-
He stood on the dam, looking into the clear water.
`It is as beautiful as I remember, Alan. I sometimes dream about this place.`
He looked at me sideways- giggling like a little boy- and dropped out of all his clothes.
A handsome young man.! Smooth and toned. A man`s sex between his legs, but fitting somehow.
He winked at me-` do I look ok..-`
I laughed- `Yes, you did ok, Kyle. I guess your dick finally grew up too..-`
He jumped into the water..spraying me with it.
`Shit- this is cold..!` He was pulling himself out again onto the dam.
`Just as always-` I pointed at his shrunken dick- a boys size again.!
He walked up and embraced me.!
` You have no Idea, Alan- what good you have done for me.!`
I blinked up at him-.. yes, he was taller than me now.
`I needed to be loved. I needed to be walked and fed and fucked. I needed to belong to someone, after having lost everybody-. And you knew that somehow. I was your boy, Alan.
All of me. My body and my soul. And still you did not hurt me-. And let me go.
I know how that feels- NOW.!`

He dried himself with his t-shirt and we hiked up to the house.
Made dinner.
Ate slowly with the sun fading on the deck.
I handed him a blanket- he handed me my glass with wine.
He was old enough for real wine now, but stayed with another of those little beers.
It was good. We were not awkward around each other- we still fitted together, just differently.
` I felt safe here, Alan- maybe that was most of it. It is a sanctuary. I know that any boy you would bring here, would be safe. I was. And I was loved, even when I fell for Nuno.
How did you know that I would have hated you doing him, when I was there..-`
`Because when we love, we also want to keep it to ourselves. It is our nature to want to protect it from others and nurture it for ourselves, Kyle.`
He nodded-:` I know that now, Alan- after last summer- and more so now.`
He looked at me, little flickers of lights from the candles in his eyes- ` You have no pictures of me here..- I think you took some while I was here.`
It was right for him to want to go back a bit.
I got the laptop and mounted a container with files. Opened a file called. ingeniously: Kyle. Opened a picture folder.
Kyle moved beside me.
` Fuck, I was a gorgeous boy.!` He was looking at himself standing naked by the pond. Proudly smiling for the camera, while sparkling from the wet. Sun lighting his longer blond hair.
We ran through a couple of hundred pictures- some from walks, some from trips- some of him gloriously naked, playing on the deck or standing in the village.
Shameless pictures of him on the bed with a big erection, smiling into the camera.
Some pictures of him fucking Nuno into fits of happiness.
One of us- kissing, while his hand is playing with my hair, my cock deep in his ass and me teasing his hard dick.
`I remember this-` he said softly.
`I wanted you to take that picture so much..and you did not want to- at first. Too dangerous you said. I am glad I convinced you.!`
He was shifting a bit.
` how can you get hard looking at yourself, Alan- -` He was very obviously erect under the blanket. ` I want you to see it, Alan- nothing more, but for you to see what a boy you made.!`
He was hesitant- but I knew this also was part of his coming here.
He slipped the blanket from his middle, his pants had gone down a while ago- I knew he had been groping himself.
Yes, he had grown up into a man. His eyes were on me. I knew what he needed was approval from me. I had been his man., when he was my boy. He needed to be told by me, that he was a man. That he had made it. That he was whole and good and ready.
` You have a nice cock, Kyle- you are a very good looking young man. You have muscles where you should have them and softness where it should be. I bet you can make it shoot up to you nipples if the right person is doing the tugging.`
He was panting and his cock was quivering- his eyes kept going from me to the slide-show I had started of himself as a boy.
`Are you going to tell me his name-.Kyle.-`
He wanted to touch himself, wanted to yerk off- or have me do it or anyone that could.!
His voice quivered..:` he is a little guy in the troop- He is new this year, but it hit me right from the start. His name is Mike-` in his mind Kyle was seeing the boy he adored-or more. ` He is all over me- all the time. He started it, Alan-.` He looked almost apologetic.
` Kyle, it is me- Alan. I know about this- I know how it goes..`
His eyes closed-then opened-` I know- Alan, that is why I came here too. I love him and he loves me- and - I want to do those things with him. The things you did with me.! He wants to do this all the time- and can`t wait for me to get back so I can fuck him silly.!`
`How old is this charmer--`
Kyle had the grace to blush- his cock leaked and told another story- `he is-his voice dropped to a whisper: ` nine-!`
It looked like he was expecting me to beat him.
`Well if he was six- I would have worried, with that cock of yours, Kyle- but nine may be ok.`
`Oh- he is ok- more than ok. He is like me-. Or maybe more like Nuno was. Always trying to talk me into it. I can not get him out of my head, I can not hold off much longer.`
` So nothing has happened yet..-`
Kyle blushed again..: `well- he slept in my tent one outing- and he sucked me off, so I- did the same- and made the mistake to put my finger up his ass. Alan, he went off like a firework.!
I hit his button and I had to almost choke him..he was making so much noise.!`
Oh the folly of youth- how exciting.
`I am going to go to bed now, Kyle- you take care of that big problem you have, while looking at the sexy boy in that slide-show and clean up, close up and come to my arms.
I will be waiting.`
I left him.
He knew I would hear everything- but after all, a moaning Kyle was not unusual in this house.

In my arms he was almost a boy again.
He had wailed out his need for his boy- and that was good.
I held him close to me-this big boy, this young man.
Because that too is what it means to love a boy.
Take care of them when they need to become a man.

We talked about it half the night.
About him being a man that fell in love with boys.
The difference was clear.
His summer with me was a release of a lot of things inside of him. Happiness was possible again. And now again.
With Mike- or maybe someone else- if he was prepared to love them.
And accept their love.
It is imperative. Love , that is.

We made it to Louise`s for lunch.
Kyle made it to his bus to Coimbra, where David was waiting for him to continue their Europe trek.
Nuno came up with me for a few days in the mountains.


I got mail the other day, as I do get them from Kyle every few months.
A few lines and a picture- Kyle with a smiling little boy in his lap.
I know what it meant.
Kyle had found it in him- that love.
And just in case anybody is wondering if love still matters..-
YES, it does.!


TAK

[ If you to write to me, you will get a response... thomasalexander_kind@yahoo.com ]