- No disclaimer... we will not be saved by it.
You are reading what you want to read. I am writing what I feel I
must. Enjoy.! Donate.!
-
My everlasting admiration and a dedication to:
- Ganymede... Your words live on.!
-
- This is not a short story... but then again
it is.
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-
- `You what--`
- The air was thick- cut with a knife kind of
thick.
- I was simply speechless.
- So were they it seemed- or maybe there was
too much they wanted- no, needed to say.-!
- `I think this needs a bit more explanation,
would you not think so--`
- Another pregnant pause..
- `Well, ahmm- ` John got up to get another
bottle of wine from the expensive wine cooler built into the large
kitchen, we were sitting in.
- The breakfast area, I assumed. A high table,
fashionable these days it seemed, with comfortable bar-stool-height
chairs around it.
- Tonight it had been a nice place to sit-
watching John make pizzas, chatting with Laura in that comfortable
way one acquires after knowing someone for many years, having a
glass of nice Italian red wine.
- The kids running in and out from wherever
they were playing in another part of the large, sprawling,
side-split rancher which sat in an enclave of equally sprawling
5acre estates.
- Country living refined.
- Mature stands of pine and cedar, casual
clumps of birch, grass and low shrubs.
- Well maintained and interspersed with tufts
of colour from flowers in graceful bedded arrangements.
- Their house was the one with all the toys in
the driveway.
- With the exception of the next door
neighbour, most people in this neighbourhood had made the move north
of the city, into the gentrified rolling hills of this area after or
close to retirement. After having met with success in whatever
venture they had been involved with.
- Multi-acre lots did not come cheap here,
even if their house was one that needed some work.
- ` I can not deal with this one alone- WE can
not deal with this alone` Laura corrected herself. She was rushing a
bit, a little loud.
- But ever the one speaking not only truth,
but directly so, it seemed.
- Her success had made this possible in some
way.
- His contribution was patience and
perseverance.
- They had to work at love- but somehow it
pushed out past the first flush. Despite set-backs.
- Despite a bit of a domineering personality
in Laura.
- John had found ground again, after some,
more recent, floundering which never were explained, but hinted at
in anger, by Laura.
- Had to do with computers, his business- and
porn.
- I was not keen on discussing this- but there
had been therapy.
- For both of them.
- In a pretty high-powered place.
- Having been part of the social-service
industry in the city a long time ago, I still had connections and
friends, that had stayed on after the `changing of the guards` in
the `80.
- Expensive and residential- meaning, you
lived there hotel-style, while in therapy- yes, intensive.!
- High success rate at re-hab- but then, I was
always skeptical at figures like that.
- I used to make my figures pretend to be
something they were not-: the truth.
- `It is not going to go away-` Laura`s words
were interrupted by John-` you don`t know that honey.!`
- `We don`t know that.!`
- `We do.!` Laura was getting agitated and
loud again. `It never does.!`
- She was no longer able to sit- finding
something or the other to keep her on her feet in the kitchen.
Nothing constructive, just moving around.
- `Ok, - well, `I was trying to sort through
my own thoughts as I was speaking: `you just told me, yes-`Laura was
looking distraught, but wanted to object..` you TOLD me, to take
your son with me to the mountains- in a foreign country.-`
- ` Ahmmm-` John could not get the words out,
but was kneading the pizza dough harder..
- `I think we need to start again, on this
one-` I was in damage control mode.
- Was taking an older, almost parental tone.
- But what else-- Scared maybe..- YES-
definitely scared.!
- I was 20 years older than they were- was
--.. I breathed out--.. 50 years older than him.!
- HIM- was an 11 year old boy, who was rushing
into the kitchen now.
- `Dad..!` Kyle`s voice had that demanding
sing-song lilt down to an art-` there is no more pizza.!`
- `That is because you guy`s` meaning his
younger sister and him `ate an entire pizza already.!`
- John was smiling behind his reprimand-` you
guy`s had the first one too.! Now you have to wait in line.!`
- ` Daaad.!` Kyle was pushing himself against
his dad`s hip- I was watching--- so was his mother.!
- ` No -go away and don`t come back for at
least 15 min-.!`
- Laura shot me a glance. I did not want to be
able to read it-.. but I did.
- Suddenly I knew what this was about.!
- War.!
- The person she felt- no, knew she was about
to lose---.. was her husband.!
- I reached for the long-stemmed, large glass
of red wine.
- Not sure that it was alcohol I needed- but
it would do for now.!
- I got it- I did.
- This was a battle-field I had walked into-
and there were going to be casualties- of one sort or the other.
- Ohhh- dinner with friends, always a
pleasure.!
- Kyle seemed to be listening in on our
thoughts- or at least it seemed like his ears were rotating and
honing in on every one of the adults in the room.
- `What are you guys talking about.-`
- He eyed his mother suspiciously.
- `I am not a GUY`-she said pointedly.!
- His eyes widened and squinted at the same
time. Trying to make sense of what his mother said-
- `Hey Kyle`- I needed to break this up for
now- I was not ready for THAT kind of confrontation-: `I hear you
have gotten kinda` good on the ice..-!`
- He gazed up- his mind replaying that
afternoon`s game-. `yeah, I scored again too-Unc-
- Alan.!`
- He smiled.!
- I had told him and his sister that I was not
really an `Uncle`, but more a `friend` so PLEASE could they just
call me `Alan`- which was my given name.
- He drew his hand across his forehead, where
long blond hair was hanging deep down into his face, covering those
blue eyes, which now came to rest on me.
- He was a beautiful boy-no doubt.!
- Slim -hipped, but not lacking in body-mass
from hockey and soccer, I guessed.
- I do not know what 11 year olds are supposed
to look like-. Well, I have given up knowing it, years ago.
- But he had my eyes- blue like a birds egg.
- And he was smiling up at me, from where he
was standing now- close to my chair.
- Old grey sweatpants and a `Gap` sweat-top-
in periwinkle blue- I know this colour, only from people telling me
that it matches my eyes- and yes.
- It matched his too.
- Laura was watching us- I knew it, without
looking.
- `You know Kyle, he was one of the first
people to see you- after you were born and given to us-` Her voice
had lost the hard edge, which was there just a few minutes ago.
- Kyle was adopted.
- Very much wanted.!
- Laura was not able to conceive, when she
finally succumbed to the fact that all her girl-friends had a little
one to show off--! Being successful in business, having a handsome
man for a husband, a beautiful big old house in a nice part of town-
well it still meant incompleteness I guess.
- So many procedures and much money was
dedicated to this little on- Kyle.!
- Adopted from new-born stage- yes I was at
the hospital a few days after his birth for a `viewing` with his
new grandmother, Laura`s mother, who did not drive herself.
- She was going to embarrass him like every
mother I have ever known-` I think one of your first erections was
on his dining-room table, changing you, when we came for dinner one
night.!`
- Kyle was horrified and instinctively grabbed
his crotch, looking at me dumbfounded.
- ` you were so cute`- he groaned and fled at
this point- naked small feet padding down the hall. A vanishing
little grey bum down the stairs to the rec-roonm.
- `hahaha- he is so shy sometimes-` Laura
laughing hard-` and other times-.` Her face dropped again. Sulking,
serious- sad.!
- ` Honey, you know it embarrasses him` John
was shoving another pizza into the oven.
- - well he was-..is.!` Cute.!` Laura giggled
to herself.
- `What makes the world such a hard place to
be for someone like him..-` she was rolling on- looking at me, but
also not focusing on anyone in particular.
- `Like him--` I was unsure I did want to go
there- but I guess I was not going to get out of this, unless I
chose to leave right now- and that would dent our friendship in a
serious way, I ventured.
- John was rolling the cutter though our
pizza- too much vegetable for them on my third- too much meat on
theirs for my taste.
- Plates, glasses re-filled- bites of
delicious home-made pizza- John`s ancestry showed again.!
- `hmmm- this is good food, my friends` I
gushed` and good company as always-- although,` I hesitated` someone
needs to start filling me in as to what this is all about.!`
- John looked at Laura in the hesitant
sideways glance he sometimes had.
- Laura was the one making most decisions that
mattered- it always had seemed that way.
- That is what made her a great assistant to
me, when I still owned the company.
- Now she was the boss- and that showed here
as well..:
- `he is gay.` I gulped more wine. John
blinked and looked away.` Well, he is, isn`t he.-` Laura was both
aggressive and defensive at the same time.
- `Or at least, he likes it.!`
- `They like it, because they are
boys-experimenting..` John was deliberate and somehow sad it seemed.
- `That is NOT what I was talking about,
John.!` Laura was out of the gate and galloping-` he sucked the
coach off and not just one time.!`
- I was chewing little bites with no hunger.
- She looked at me- and I saw the pleading,
the sorrow, the pain there.
- ` the things he is doing with David is from
that.!`
- David was the next door boy, Kyle`s playmate
since age 5.! I would have wondered, if they did not `experiment`
some in the ways boys have done since the world began. They seemed
to live `in each other`s pockets` as it were.
- Funny- it was the weekend- and David did not
seem to be around. Every other time I had been out here on a
weekend- David was here, or Kyle was not around, because they were
raising hell at David`s house next door.
- ` he is - well he did-` Laura`s composure
was faltering: ` I think it is clear to us, John, that he was the
one that accepted eagerly.!`
- There was an accusatory stare at John. He
sighed.
- ` Well, would you please start from the
beginning guys-` I was getting seriously anxious and impatient.
- Well- maybe I had not been as insistent, had
I known the outcome of this.!
- Kyle was a boy of average height and weight.
Playing hockey was in his mind as much as in his body. He was a
fighter, as pusher and a good skater.!
- He was athletic on a basis of being a
compact bolt of energy with intent on doing damage to the opponents
lines.
- Fearless-- I wonder. Something driving him,
sure.!
- He was pretty engaged, I knew that.
- So- it turns out this-engagement spread to
one of the coaches. One of the team`s boy`s father- who did not have
the will-power to resist a sweaty, exuberant boy, peeling off a
hockey outfit.-
- Help was offered- the dressing room
emptying.
- An 11 year old, happy boy, well built and
shiny from sweat- smelling all boy and dressed in a jock-strap is
hard to resist, I guess--.. well, I know.!
- So hands go, where they should not-
excitement is shared.!
- And the boy---. Kyle, responded in a way the
coach had not expected.
- Reaching for the man`s crotch.!
- Smiling and pulling dicks- sucking.!
- `he was the one going after what he wanted-
and you know that John.!` Laura was spitting out the words. This was
not going to be pretty, despite the beauty of the boy in question.!
- John sighed. Looking down into his glass of
wine.
- `he did this to me almost a year ago, Alan-`
John was almost whispering.
- `I did not go there with him, but it was
clear he wanted to go more and do more- and did not want to stop..`
John was not able to look into my eyes any longer.
- ` and he got David involved as well` Laura
was steaming` he got David to ride down to the `coaches` house and
do things with the man there- !
- He went there again and again, we now know-`
Laura sighed, somewhat deflated but angry.
- -the coach- well he is no longer
around-.moved away weeks ago, before we found out all this dreadful
business. And David`s parents have shipped him off to relatives on
the other side of the country.`
-
- `So, ` I was careful to speak softly and
calm ` you want me to do what..- Take Kyle on a vacation trip.- Go
places and see things..- Take him away from here and have a good
time..-
- A 60 year old man and an 11 year old boy..-`
- Laura was silent but pensive, John looking
around for things to do in the kitchen-
- `or, ` I was shivering a little inside` am I
re-paying the debt I seem to have incurred some years ago, when you
stood by me. When the thing with Jason happened-or didn`t happen, as
it were.-`
- Laura looked up. Tight lips. John not far
behind.
- ` I know` I was speaking slowly,
deliberately` you were kind, no matter what happened, because that
rarely matters in regards to things like that, when it concerns a
man and a boy. You were my friends- even after. Even when my ex-wife
made more accusations.`
- `I get it, I know my obligations-` I sighed.
- Laura was looking away, not able to meet my
eyes. John was washing some dishes.
- `But what is it you are asking me for.-` I
got my breath back .`what is it you want me for.-`
- ` you want me to be the one he sucks off.-
Or me suck him off.- Make him gay or make him straight.- Fuck his
cute bum and make him behave.- -- Go to jail.-`
- I had been hard- fast and cutting.
- Laura was wincing-John was somewhere else in
his mind.
- Despite the hard business approach, there
was the young woman I had made friends with a long time ago.
- ` You obviously have decided who I am- what
I am- so please tell me.-`
- John had come back to the table- sitting
with his head in his hands.
- Laura- finally looking at me again.
- I was feeling like I was losing a lot of
things tonight- maybe even my friendship with these folks. I had
been hard in my words- but what was I going to do.-
- This was not something that had been part of
our life lately.
- I had ignored -. almost- the kids. Had
helped out in business. Had had dinner with them.
- Had been friends in a not too close way,
closer with Laura because of business.
- Had watched Kyle grow up from that
dining-room table baby with a good size erection and big baby balls
to a boisterous boy of 11. Blond long hair.., brown skin in the
summer-too much of it, and an easy smile that made people like him.
- Bubbly, like his butt- yeah, I know I was
not going to notice those things any longer- well, The gods are not
that forgiving.!
- And now-
- ` he needs-` Laura was breathing in sharply`
well, how old was Matt.-`
- `Hmmm- you mean the boy, when I was doing
Social Services.-` I was hedging-.
- ` No- I mean the boy you were in love
with.!` She shot back-..looking hard at me. ` Do you think I did not
see it.!`
- ` You did not know him then, Laura, and you
do not know a thing about anything private regarding Matt and me.` I
said this in an even professional tone.
- ` Well,- maybe I was just a little jealous`
she breathed out` you and Matt had something--. I guess you still
have-. That nobody can take away it seems.!`
- ` Oh yes, Laura, they can take it away-. By
thinking it is something dirty and horrid. Something that somehow
threatens the new world order.!
- Like I said- what do you want from me.-`
- I wanted out-. Leave.
- Go away and lick my wounds.
- Had I not paid enough for this dinner.-
- What did they want from me.-
- What did Kyle need- from me or anybody.-
- `I think it is time you tell me, if you
think that I am a pervert.-` I was unkind, I knew-but it needed to
be out.
- `I think that you could be someone that Kyle
can, ahmmmm- learn from-` Laura was quick with an answer.
- `Learn what, Laura`..- How to be what..- You
need to be clearer.`
- She sighed-`Ok, ok... yes, I guess I
believed all the stuff. But you know I never judged you.!`
- `Thank you for being honest, Laura-` I was
sad, of course. But not disappointed.
- These people had been around for a long
time. I was sitting at their table tonight.! They were bringing me
into a big problem of theirs- maybe I needed to be more gracious.
- ` You are, have been good to me- and yes,
more so to Matt- and despite all your ex says about you now, good to
her as well. Too good sometimes. I wish you would have had the guts
to share some of your life with me sometimes-. Well, maybe not-
Maybe it is ok to leave it as it is.!`
- Laura was musing to herself.` Although,
something happened that time in Romania- I wish I had met the boy
that had that effect on you.!`
- She was intense and direct.
- `and yes, I know it was a boy--.. of course
I do not, but I know.! I am a woman, after all, Alan.!` She
chuckled.
- ` I know, Alan, that I will not be able to
give Kyle what he wants-needs, is searching for-..` John`s voice
betrayed him, but still. He knew he had made a choice.
- Kyle would be a diversion- from the life he
had, but not more.
- And for me..-
- A diversion from the life I had.-
- The hermitage I held.-
- The giving up of the world that I desired so
much.-
- Did they really know what they were asking
of me..-
- ` I have given up all that, Laura- John.- I
was whispering across the table with cold pizza slices.
- ` I can not- ` Laura leaned across, taking
my hand in hers
- ` You can. You always could. You will be
able to. Because you can not escape the need of someone else. Man,
woman-. Or child. You have always done silly things because of
this.
- It is why I love you..!`
- She was not gratuitous. I knew.
- Need is something I respond to- in others. I
like a little need in myself. Yeah, I know. A little pain is
alright-.or how that song goes.
- ` what do you want from me..-`
- `Love him a little-` she hesitated `in a way
we`- she looked at John ` can not.!
- I know he is very alone right now. What you
saw of him tonight is a little play. He cries a night in his
bedroom. He misses David very much and he knows it has to do with
him, that he is not here any longer. With what he did with him and
-that man.! He is very confused right now-`her voice trailed off:
`like I am too.!-
- The kids raced in for more pizza slices-
disappearing back down to their movie.
- We sat around the table not too talkative-
all three of us caught in our own thoughts.
- We did the remaining dishes by hand- despite
the fancy dishwasher.
- Needed to share some chore in a way of
making us a team in accomplishing something, let it be dishes
tonight.
-
- I stood in the back entrance- leading out to
the garage.
- My car was parked close to that side of the
house.
- John was shaking my hand tentatively-then
pulling me into a tentative hug. I squeezed him back.
- He seemed sad, but happy at the same time.
Talking of work and the weekend coming, with his Scouts.
- The little girl had fallen asleep in front
of the TV- John had carried her up to bed.
- So after a long hug from Laura and a
whispered ` sorry for all this!`
- `But I really need you, with this mess-.!`
- - here I was fumbling with my keys for the
car.
- And a little wildcat landed on my back.!
- Kyle, of course.
- Not wanting to go to bed. Not wanting to be
left out in saying `good-bye`-
- Was jumping on me from the steps of the
house.
- `Oh no- a lion, he is going to bite me`- I
laughed in mock-fright.!
- Kyle biting me in the neck for effect-
- And me slinging him around to stand him in
front of me.
- Eyes sparkling he gushed his farewell- I
held him in a hug.
- Testing a little, I guess.
- And right on cue- Kyle wasn`t pushing out-
away from me- but into my embrace.
- Mashing his little body into mine.
- -then running away to the door- waving.!
- What now.-!
- Definitely time to get home to bed- no more
thinking about -.. boys, did I say that-- Tonight.-!
- I had left all that behind me years ago-
didn`t I.-!
- *
- -2-
- We had arranged for me to go up to their
house again for dinner-whatever, the next weekend.
- A few days away only-