YES it does.!-2

No disclaimer... we will not be saved by it. You are reading what you want to read. I am writing what I feel I must.

Enjoy.!

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My everlasting admiration and a dedication to:

Ganymede... Your words live on.!

It would be my hope, that you will take the time to read the first part of this story, which can be found here:

http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/adult-youth/yes-it-does/yes-it-does-1.html

Situation and characters will make a lot more sense.!

YES it has.!

-1-

The sound of the engines had a strange, slightly hypnotic effect.

They were at cruising altitude and well past the East Coast... heading out over Newfoundland, above the North Atlantic. Kyle was folded into the seat... at almost 18 he was a lean, long young man. His just over 6 foot frame was not so easily stuffed into the economy seats, he and his friend David were sitting in. He had not succeeded in talking his parents into paying for a `Club-class' seat for him and David, despite his best efforts. Already Laura and John were thinking that they had given in too much, letting Kyle... and David, go on the `run around Europe' trip.

Kyle shuffled a little closer to David, who was sitting in the window-seat. They had been assigned seats in the back of the plane and here there were only two seats together... the slimming tail-section of the airplane. Dinner served, the stewardess had indulged them with beer, the lights had been dimmed and the little screens were flickering everywhere.

David, his friend for most of his life, was already drifting off, despite the movie playing in front of him and the buds in his ears. Kyle draped one of these small blankets over David, who did not seem to notice, except for a slight shift closer to Kyle.

Maybe the excitement had drained them a little as well, Kyle thought. It had been pretty hectic and exciting these last weeks. High-School finished... plans for University completed, parties and graduation celebrations and general happiness at having made it.!

Now it was summer.!

David was with him for this adventure, before they would be off to university together. Somehow their respective parents had realized that it was just going to be that way... even if there was hesitation that came from things long past. David was 18 already, but had repeated a year... he had just not made the move away to the new town all that easily.

For a long time... until they were 11 and 12, Kyle and David had been living next to each other and in each other's pocket. They were ALWAYS together in those days. Their houses being next to each other, it was like they were living together... either at David's house or at Kyle's. They shared everything... space, clothes and secrets.

Then David's parents moved away.

Kyle crunched his jaw hard.

It had been a rough year.

*

The stewardess leaned over him...' I could probably find another beer for you, if you wanted to.?'

Kyle smiled his best puppy smile and his blue eyes did the begging. He was a good-looking boy...ahmmm, young man. He knew what he could manage with a smile and a look.

`Yes please... that would be so' he paused for effect ` so cool.!'

The middle aged woman melted, drifting towards the galley in the back. Such a handsome young ... man.! She wondered briefly if he also was... well, gay... like his friend next to him. Not that that boy was flaunting it, but she was sure. But this one... that blond hair and blue eyes, young hard body... well.!

Kyle was lulled into that semi sleep state by the humming of the engines and the slight vibrations of the plane. Rushing forward to `West Forty', the Azores still far off, east of their position, they had made it out over the Deep Blue. The jet-stream was pushing them on.

It seemed to be pushing things in Kyle's mind as well.

Huddled beside David, the almost darkness like a cover around him, Kyle let himself feel... well, what exactly.? He was still unsure and... sure at the same time. Sure about what he wanted to do and where he wanted to go... unsure about who he would find there, when he got to the place and what would happen.

The uneasy fluttering inside was there again. Kyle breathed out.

In again.

It was not so easy. It constricted his chest, made his eyes wet and his heart ache.

The last time he had been on this route, with this Airline, he had been sitting up at the very front... Club-Class. He had been almost 12... Kyle realized that it was 6 years ago, a third of his entire life.! He had been a small boy. He had been... not so ok.!

Kyle smiled a lopsided smile only for himself...NOT SO OK.!

That was the understatement of the decade.

He had been a mess. Had lost not only his friend David...Kyle looked at his sleeping companion... but everybody else too, it seemed. All at the same time. Mom, dad... everybody.! Nobody had seemed to be there any longer, only terrible emptiness. Anger and fear.

Until... Alan.

The man he had called Uncle Alan at first. An old friend of his mom's. A new friend to him, it turned out.

NO... Kyle shook his head... no more running away from it.

Much more than friend.!

When he had been sitting up in the front... or better, laying across two big seats, head in Uncle Alan's lap, almost asleep... he had been in love. That is what it was... was becoming, anyhow.

Love.

For an old man that had held him in his arms when he was crying in anger and fear. When he needed shelter... and when he needed loving. Kyle felt cold, but it was not the air-exchange humming in the ceiling pushing the air through the cabin. It was inside of him. He had been remembering many things from a long time ago and that was not always good. Well, it was good really... just not without pain. And in many ways it all had to do with David. He was not responsible... for all the changes, but he was the reason behind it. Kyle could not help but smile, as his mind drifted back and showed him the boy David... his friend.

The small, compact brown body that Kyle knew so well. Too well, in some ways.

*

He did not remember when, or who had invented the bumping game.

But it was fun, so they played it a lot. By themselves... in the treehouse, or the woods. The pool-shed or at night in their bed...whichever one's it was they were sleeping in together, that night. In those years it seemed that the boys somehow floated among both families and houses belonging everywhere and in a way just to themselves.

They could not remember a time, where they had not been together. And no, they were fighting some times and angry at each other for the things that boys do to each other, but always made up a short time later. And making up often led to playing the bumping game. Finding a hiding place and hugging each other, the boys would bump their naked dicks together. Rubbing them against each other. It was in some way the most exciting game they knew... but they also, almost instinctively, knew that adults would not like this game. They did not want them to know anyhow. This was THEIRS.! This was something just for the two of them. It must have been something their parents knew about, when they were still little, as they got caught a few times. But other than stern words, it seemed that it was thought of as innocent fun.

Well, it was fun...that was for sure. But the fun really started when they discovered the `tickles'.!

Kyle almost laughed out loud thinking about it now. He remembered it well... even the slight salt-water smell from the pool in his big backyard. Hot skin... sun-backed, summer heat in the backyard, they were playing another game. This one was good too. Sitting across from each other, looking into each others eyes, the game was to make the other boy get a boner, just from looking at him. David had invented this game... and it worked.! They were what... 7 or 8 maybe, but definitely boner-boys at times.

*

So here, beside the pool, sweating in the sun and somehow inside as well, little David was looking at Kyle... and little Kyle was looking at David.

Kyle knew what David was thinking about, just as David knew about the pictures in Kyle's mind.

*

Big Kyle stealthily adjusted his growing cock and wiggled to find a more comfortable space in the airplane seat, bumping into David, who just mumbled in his sleep and adjusted to Kyle's body moving. Kyle could see it still in his minds eye...

*

Brown skin, slight built, brown hair flopping into his face, covering his grey eyes... Kyle was excited in a way he did not know how to describe really... but he was.

And little David was working his magic on him.

Both had only underwear on. Tight boxers with some kid-prints on them. Wet. Clinging to their skin... everywhere.

This was their `after school dip' in the pool... they had not bothered to change, just had dropped their school clothes on the chaise at the end, together with their packs.

This was the good time.!

Parents were not home or busy with food things... little sisters playing or doing homework... this was their time.!

Boner time.!

They had been thinking about this all day of and on in their schools. Had pushed around their boners in their pants at times... Kyle thinking about David's mouth and chest. The little nipples that he could make stand up... just like David's little bone between his legs.

David had Kyle's dick in his head...somewhat larger than his, even though he was older, something he did not mind actually, despite his protests to the contrary...

And Kyle's hands all over his body.!

He wiggled in his seat and somehow that did not help... but made him think about the nice feeling of having Kyle's body laying on him. Covering him and pressing down with his dick against his.

The bell rang.!

*

David was wiggling under Kyle... naked.

He had lost the boner game. He had tented his underwear a minute after they had started. Ok... so Kyle was not far behind, but somehow David lost most of the time.

And now... under the guise of having to change, in case someone bothered to ask... they were in the pool-shed/change room... naked.!

On top of the chaise covers that were in one corner.

Wiggling, bumping... grinding.!

Kissing... panting.!

Small brown-skinned boys with white middles, where a hard 2 inch boner was being bumped hard by a more than 2-1/2 inch one. Hard indeed.!

Small ball-sacks with grape-sized balls drawn tight against their body from all the excitement...bumping.!

Kyle's mouth on David's nipples, licking... sucking, making little David giggle in excitement, while his hands were stroking Kyle's back and playing with his long blond hair.

Little Kyle knew what David wanted... he always wanted it... but he was not going to give in so easily.! This was the good time of the day. They had waited for this.

He wanted it all now.

So he kissed his way up to David's small mouth and pushed his tongue into it.

There... proof that watching television is educational.! They had added this a while ago, after watching a movie.

There was the part about them both being boys... but silently, together somehow, they had decided to simply ignore that part. It was, after all... them.!

They were, after all, the best of friends... close as brothers and more.! So for them, they decided it was allowed.! They were not gay or such... like in the jokes at school, because ... well, because it was them.! And besides... they liked each other and liked doing it.

With each other. NOT anybody else.!

*

Big Kyle flinched, thinking about this, as they were winging their way across the Atlantic towards Europe... a short night flight, but still hours away from landing in Lisbon, Portugal.

Yeah,... then it had only been them. David and Kyle. Happy in love... happy in lust. Happy.! Kyle sighed. Yes, happy... for a couple of years yet.

*

Little David wiggled around under Kyle, turning over on to his stomach...

`do me, Kyle... ` he breathed excitedly ` now... now..!'

Kyle liked laying on top of David, as the smaller boy twitched in excitement under him. He liked it in a way that was hard to explain... to himself. He usually gave up thinking about it at about this stage, when David was spreading his legs and hunched his bum up.

Kyle knew what David liked best... and he liked it too.!

Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil... ok, it was handy.!

And smelled nice.!

Even on David's bum... as some of it dripped off Kyle's boner and landed on one smooth, compact cheek beneath. It had been just another part of their bodies to explore at first. After all, if you wanted to be wicked... and they did, being boys... you did disgusting things that felt good.!

And Kyle felt very good when rubbing his boner across the small wrinkled opening... and when it opened slightly, pushing in.

Both small boys were breathing harder now... David in anticipation of that delicious pain, he wanted to die from... Kyle from the intense feelings of having that tightness clamp around his dick, while he was pushing in...and in...!

Until he was all the way up inside of David's bum-hole.

Until David was shivering and fidgeting under him, as he was push-pulling his boner in and out.

`Yesss...' David was hissing softly ` make it go deeper, Kyle. Faster.!'

Kyle's dick head tingled as it pushed deep into David's insides.

`You want me to really fuck you...' Kyle giggled. Fuck being one of the forbidden words... and therefore of real significance... especially at a time like this.

`Yess... damn it, Kyle... fuck me good' More forbidden words from David.

This soon had them in rabbit mode, as boys will become rabbits in situations like this... humping for all it's worth, until it is done.!

Sweating from the heat inside the pool-shed, from the action and from inside of them where all those feeling tumbled around and made them pant, smelling of sun-tan oil, they ran up that hill...pumping, pushing, pulling and falling over the edge almost together into that short breathless free-fall that made their eyes un-focus and their hearts thump... besides making their boner twitch and tickle something fierce.

Holding on to each other... breathing hard, they shivered through their dry cums.

David from being fucked and having his boner pressed and rubbed on the covers, Kyle from the intense feeling of being surrounded by hot tightness through which he stroked his breaking hard boner to boy-nirvana.

Sometimes they did this in bed at night... ok, ok... OFTEN they did, but sometimes face to face....David's legs lifted up and Kyle between them buried deep in David's ass making David squeak like a mouse until they kissed each others through the shivers.

That was what Kyle liked best.!

During the day they were rough and tumble boys. Puppies. And their sex play was all boy in it's speed and roughness... endurance and single minded intention of getting THERE as fast as possible, but there were moments... in the darkness of their rooms, where they held on to each other and kissed like the lovers they were.

*

Kyle thought about those moments.

Yes, it had been good. So good in fact that he had wanted it never to end. That was one of the problems. Actually... that was THE problem. Kyle nodded to himself. Yes, it was... or rather had been. David liked him and loved the sex, as they got older.

Kyle liked the sex and loved the boy... and did not want him to get older.

*

Was it really that easy.? Kyle sat with his head resting against David's, as David had found his shoulder to put his head to in his sleep. They had gotten older together. 9-10...and 11.! Together... and apart.!

Of course there were times they were apart. Did different things. Spent time with their families or other people. Went on vacations. But in their minds... at least Kyle's mind... they were always together. This was not really the case. Not even for Kyle...and as it turned out, definitely not for David. Somehow, despite their closeness and all the secrets they shared, all the one-ness they cherished, they were also growing up and into their own. Not that it was obvious then... because they did keep some secrets from each other. Well, David did.

Kyle couldn't stop thinking about it, although a part of him wanted to... still, after all the years and all the changes that came with the pain. His stomach was crunched and he was pressing his eyes shut, trying to loose himself in the droning of the plane... trying to NOT see what once again was so clear in his minds eye.

Was being projected again on the inside of this head somewhere, where he could not look away... like on that afternoon. A long time ago... almost a third of his lifetime ago. Kyle felt the shiver running down his spine...the excitement, the small fear... the big sadness.!

It was in that terrible year... when he was 11, going on 12. Everything changed that year, even though he had no idea of that, when he ran over to David's house through the back-yards that afternoon in the winter.

*

He dropped his winter-jacket in the mudroom at David's house and wandered in, as he was used to... being at home here, almost.

David's house was quiet... seemed like his mom was out with David's sister.

So he took off his boots and snow-pants and sneaked up the stairs to David's room... he was going to scare him good and pounce on him and wrestle him down and ... Little Kyle stopped in front of David's bedroom door.

There were voices. Boys voices... softly, but somehow breathless.

Kyle knew how to be silent in the hall...how to open the door silently... after all, David and him had to sneak to the bathroom across the hall in the middle of the night often enough.!

The pictures were burning themselves into his mind... as he softly pushed the door ajar. He did not know the bigger boy. Must be from the Jr. Highschool David had started to go to this year. He was definitely bigger than them... everywhere.!

Maybe he was already 14 or so.

Kyle watched. Stunned at first... stunned and feeling strange. Excited in the tingling way, his dick becoming hard... but something else. Something dark. Sadness in a way that he had not had experienced before. It was like something was hurting inside of his heart. A pain that he could not make go away or understand.

He also could not look away... somehow it felt like his head was frozen in place.

His eyes recorded it for all eternity.

David on his bed... on his back... on the edge of it. Naked.

Kyle liked looking at David. Naked. On his back... legs up... open.

He had looked at him like that often, when they were sure nobody was home or going to be home. When he had done what this boy was doing to David.

Small crunched body, folded up on the bed... with a big dick sliding in and out of his bum.!

Kyle shivered. They were whispering again...

`Go faster and deeper...ahhhh... YESSSS.!' David was twitching under the battering of the older boy. He liked it, Kyle knew instinctively.

He liked that big dick going in... and in... FAST, HARD.!

Kyle's heart was thumping. Somehow he was panting like the two boys inside of the room. His hand had found the hardness in his pants... and he could not look away, even though he wanted to. In fact he wanted to run away...or somehow restart the afternoon.!

But he was watching... and kept watching, cowering by the slightly open door of David's room, watching a big boy with a little hair above his dick, shove it into David all the way, before pulling it out and doing it again. Fast. Hard.

Just like David liked it.

And David did like it.!

He was softly moaning and squeaking at times... panting and pulling the boy closer to him. Pushing back against the big dick to get more of it into him.

Sweating.

`You like my big dick, don't you, David.?' The big boy's question was no question.

`Yesss... damn it, stop talking and fuck me, Darren.!' David was close it sounded like.

He was panting heavily and grunting from the hammering he was getting.

And he loved it. Kyle could see it. David's face was that stupid, lopsided grinning, crunched up mask of lust he got when he was getting off.

Which he was in moans and squeaks.

His body withering and rippled by spasms, his little hard dick twitching and his hands clenching around the blankets he was gripping.

A good one, Kyle breathed out... and in...and held his breath as he saw the big boy pulling his dick out and with a couple of short strokes and grunts was firing a few quirts of white stuff all over David's belly and dick.!

Kyle turned and ran.!

He stepped into his boots, grabbed his snow-pants and coat and ran out of the house, screen door slamming behind him. He wanted to run. NOT home. But run..., except it was cold and where would he run to.?!

So he ended up in his room... door closed. Locked.

Alone.

Panting. Shivering. Empty.

*

He had ignored the knocks on the door.

David's voice.

His mom... first inquisitively... then concerned.

He had cried.

But finally had fallen asleep... still dressed, under the blankets.

Something was wrong. Something was changed.

Kyle could not figure it out. The how and why and when... or more disturbingly...the who.?

David.

The boy he loved. His friend. His skin-mate if not his soul-mate. His... something was missing already. There were secrets in David, he did not understand.

What he did understand was that everything had changed.

His parents assumed the boys were just having one of their fights.

They left him alone... knowing that it worked itself out in a day or so.

It didn't.

*

Kyle looked over at David sleeping next to him, under the small blanket, curled up in the air-plane seat, leaning against him. Yes, David was his friend. Just like he was David's. But that had taken time... and tears. Anger and fear. All in all maybe too many emotions. He didn't know what to do back then, that was for sure.!

Now it seemed like it somehow all worked itself out. Now they were friends again... or still. In the end it was like they were always meant to be friends... but not lovers. Kyle smiled at the sleeping David. Lovers... it seemed amusing now. But he remembered how it had felt back then. He remembered the emptiness.!

*

Little Kyle wandered around in his world with a suddenly broken heart.

Kyle remembered it well. It was not going to be the only pain that year.

It was cold outside, but also inside of his small heart, where all that warmth had been for David.

David had sex with others guys.!

Maybe he had done this for a long time already.?

This was something Kyle thought was a secret... only for them.! Just between the two of them. Yes, of course David probably did it alone, rub on his own dick to make those incredible feeling come... just like him. But now... David did it with other boys. Big Boys.! Big boys with big dicks and hair.!

And he liked it.! A LOT.!

Kyle knew, that somehow it was over. He was not ever going to put his pecker in David's bum-hole again.

Because David actually did not like it.

Not with him.! Not with a little dick like his.!

He was just a little dick.!

And David... somehow, had graduated to the big dick world.

Without him.

What was left.? Their friendship.?

Sure... while he watched David run off to meet some BIG DICK.!

Kyle was angry. Not that sex was all they did. It was in fact only a small part of their friendship, but it was intensely theirs.! It was a secret world of pleasure and kisses and feelings and hunger of a different kind...

Kyle was lonely.

Hurt.

Sad.

By the second day he had missed David more than he was angry at him. Knew that David had been at his house each day... looking for him. That his mom had told David that Kyle was angry and sad... and did not want to see him.

*

David stood in the kitchen door the next day.

Kyle was making himself a sandwich.

His back towards the opening door. He did not react, thinking it was his mother or sister.

`They have gone shopping........' David's voice was soft and slow.

Kyle hunched up his shoulders. He was not going to cry.! But he did.

He wanted to hit David.! But he didn't.

He wanted to tell him to just piss off... but he didn't.

But he could not look at David either. So he walked away... down to the rec-room. David followed...

Kyle stuffed part of the sandwich into his mouth... he did not want to talk.!

Each of them sitting at opposite ends of the big old couch.

Kyle knew they needed to work it out somehow... well they always had before.

`It has nothing to do with you and me...' David sounded un-convinced even to himself.

Kyle could not help but glare at him...' It has everything to do with you and me.!' He yelled.

David looked down to his hands and folded feet under him. ` Ok, so I like it.! You know that Kyle.! I like it with you.! I... ` he hesitated...'I think I am different... from you.!'

David's eyes were pleading... Kyle's were daggers: ` You like it with other boys... bigger boys.! `

David had shrunk into himself. He was quiet. There was no point in denying it... Kyle had seen what it was.

`I like YOU.! Not any other boy.!' Kyle was not angry any more... but desperate.

He suddenly knew that he had lost something, which he would never get back.

He would never be able to trust David again so completely.

` I like you too...' David knew it sounded lame, even though it was true. He liked Kyle more than he could make his friend believe right now. He needed him more than he could tell him right now. It was like Kyle was a part of him... but he needed all these other parts as well.

` So who else do you fuck around with...?'

David saw the tears in Kyle's eyes. He knew that he had betrayed him in some way that was beyond his control. There was all this need...this desire for the rush. The pain and the incredible feeling afterwards, when the thickness inside of him was making him burst with feelings all over.

Yes,... Kyle was not making that happen...any longer. He had never. But David had not known it was possible to feel this... to want this.!

But right now, he knew that if he was to have any of the safety and the good times of their friendship back... he needed to give up some secrets.!

He wanted to anyhow... because it was choking him...this secret. He felt dirty every time afterwards... not because it was not good. It was GOOD.! Very, very good... too good to stop.

David knew that this was going to be hard. He was either going to loose Kyle completely or... David did not know. He wanted to be a little boy again. A little boy that did not have to make these decisions or have these talks.

But he was a little boy that did some very grown-up things...

He also knew that it would come out sooner or later... that he/they could not hide it much longer from Kyle... hopefully from everybody else, but Kyle... no.

This was so fucked up.

And still... maybe it was what had been needing to happen. So it did. So it did...and now it needed to all come out.!

` I... `David swallowed ` I... also do it with...' David almost lost his guts, but Kyle looked at him, pleadingly it seemed to David. He knew this would either make it or break it completely... but one thing he was sure of... he knew Kyle loved him and would not do anything to hurt him. So he whispered it... into the silent, half-lit, rec-room strewn with toys and playthings.

`... your Dad... `

*

Kyle could not help the tears that were forming in his eyes. Even now, almost 6 years after, he could not shake the emotions of it. He remembered himself as the little boy sitting on the couch... half a sandwich in his hand, listening to David.

*

The sky on the outside of the window behind David, who was still sleeping, was slowly turning from deep blue, black to a deep purple. They were not so far out any longer. Maybe an hour away from starting the decent into Lisbon airport.

For a moment Kyle wanted it to be Alan that was sitting next to him. Wanted to be that boy again, that was safe in the arms of that old man. That felt the love. He wondered for the umpteenth time, what and who he would find when he got to the mountains.

-2-

Kyle stared at David... from across the slowly expanding vastness of the sofa-cushions between them. Somehow he felt very small. Cold on the inside spreading from the point just behind his navel up and up and up... to where he was trying to breathe.

`My dad...' Kyle whispered as well. Not even a question. He knew David was not lying to him. Not now. Not here. David was fidgeting... not looking at him, his head hanging down. Little Kyle could not put words to it, but inside, he knew. Sitting here with the plate on his knees, holding the other half of his sandwich, he knew.

The world had just moved.

Sideways.

He wanted to... well he did not even know what he wanted.

So he breathed.

Ate the other half of the sandwich.

Quiet.

David was watching him.

`You want to do it with him a lot.?' Kyle's voice was flat.

David jumped at the chance to speak...' you know I like it, Kyle.! I like it a lot. And your dad, well he likes me...ahmm, it as well.!'

Kyle said nothing, but looked at David. The cold was in his chest and made breathing hard.

`He is big and ... and it feels... awesome.' David's eyes were dreamy, soft.

Kyle was not sure what it mattered about big or not so big... but he knew it mattered that David had been doing it with his dad for ...

`How long..?'

David flinched, his eyes narrowing, his mind snapping back from the memory of the pleasure. He knew Kyle would be pissed... well he was pissed already...

`Last summer, when you were at Hockey Camp...'

Kyle was not pissed.

He was feeling cold. Empty somehow. Something he could not explain, because he had not felt like this before. But he did not want to feel like this, that he knew.

Because it hurt.

Inside, where he could not reach. Where he could not make it feel better somehow. Out of reach.

And he did not know what to do... so he did what he knew.

`Let's play "Smack-Down"...' Kyle was already getting up and walking over to the game-machine.

David relaxed... things were going to be ok with Kyle and him.

He hoped.

Kyle needed space...needed time.

The flickering screen helped both of them.

*

Light was returning from the other side of world... or were they leaving darkness, by flying away from it.? Kyle gazed out the window beside David. The cabin lights were being switched on and people around them became more restless. There was breakfast-snack being served.

An hour out from Lisbon.

David was awake and stretching, looking out the window and wolfing down the breakfast. Kyle was becoming excited about being back. Actually, he was unsure if this was about `being back'... or some other excitement. But he almost spilled his coffee over David... which made both of them giggle.

Sunshine, azure sky...blue waters below. Cloudless and only a slight wind... coastline. With white surf rolling onto the beaches around Estoril. Descent over apartment blocks and red roofed houses. Palm trees.! The plane wrangled with the wind, dropped from the sky and touched down noisily but softly.

Welcome to Lisbon, Portugal.

Kyle felt weird. Not that he could actually explain how. Maybe it was more anticipation...? He was happy they had to wait for all the other people to leave first, when they had taxied to the parking position. Maybe he was afraid... Kyle shook himself loose from the feelings and grabbed his bag out of the overhead compartment and followed David down the aisle, out of the plane into the bright, blinding sun.

Into the heat and the smell of summer.

Down the gangway and into the waiting bus, which would take them to Arrivals. Standing at the baggage carousel, waiting for their bags to be disgorged from the conveyor belt, Kyle suddenly knew it was sadness he felt... but that special kind of sadness that comes with being in a place that you remember. Remember with both happy and sad memories.

Saudade.

Maybe even a little bit of fear, Kyle admitted to himself. For a moment he felt like reaching for Alan's hand beside him... except, as they walked into the arrivals hall, it was David next to him. Who was full of nervous excitement and chattering about everything he saw. Following Kyle out through the hall to the right... up to the rotunda and the way to the Metro.

*

Kyle smiled. It felt good to know a little about where he was... where he needed to go.

They got out at Rossio, climbed up the stairs into the bright sun and walked across the square to the back of one of the old buildings that surround the square to the entrance of the pension they had booked from Canada. It had been given good marks in the Lonely Planet Guide they had read for this purpose. The 4 flights of stairs up to their room was not great but their view out over the square and the Castelo St. Jorge above and beyond, made up for it. Kyle stepped out onto the 2 foot wide balcony...

YES, this would do.! He smiled to himself. David was unpacking, sort of ... until he yelled at him to come and look. They stood next to each other, breathing warm air and took in the scent of this new place. Goofy smiles... looking at each other and could not stop giggling, like when they had been little boys. Ran down the stairs, across the square and wandered into Café Nicola for coffee... sitting outside under a sun-umbrella on the square and watched people passing, buses driving by... they had made it.!

They were here.! Lisbon. Europe.!

Just them.

Alone.

No Parents.

Men.!

*

Kyle snapped awake... David was smiling at him.

`You need sleep my friend, you are falling asleep sitting up..!'

The sun was hot and Kyle was sweating, sitting in the café on the square. Yes, he remembered... they were in Lisbon.!

Café Nicola.! Rossio.!

Summer.!

He was almost 18.! And really tired...

`Yeah, I guess you had enough sleep in the plane...' He laughed at David.

They ambled over the square to the other side and around the back to the little side-street that led to the entrance to their Pension. Turned out David was also sleepy... and so they dropped their clothes and with the curtain drawn to keep out the sun and the heat, they crashed on their beds to make up for the lost sleep and to get some downtime before tonight. The city slowed down in the heat of almost midday and all the noises faded away, as Kyle drifted off into dreamland... or whatever they called this.

-3-

The warmth was like a blanket around him. The smell carried faint memories of some cold medicine and the light was bouncing off the ripples on the water.

Kyle blinked, squinting his eyes, looking at the wall of stone, across the pond from the concrete bridge he was sitting on.

Actually it was a dam, holding in the water that was gushing out from a hole in that wall, filling the pond and making the iridescent green under-water plants sway.

The blue of the sky was reflecting in the surface of the pond and made the occasional cloud look to be floating around in the water.

Except for the noise of the water it was quiet... still.

There were orange peel at his curiously small feet...

Bright yellow-orange-white. Smelling of summer, in a way.

The big hand was in front of his face again... why was it so big.?

Holding another orange section to his mouth... which opened and closed round the sweet, juicy flesh.

Kyle chewed,... swallowed.

Leaned back into the soft shelter of the towel... and the chest of the big hand.

Two hands... one was stroking the soft part of skin above his dick... which was NOT soft.

Kyle sighed. Another slice of orange appeared... this time he grasped not only the orange slice, but the fingers as well, ...between his teeth.!

Biting them softly, but insistently, while pushing the other big hand down to his... smallish but hard dick.!

`Shhheeeh... my horny boy.!'

The big-hand voice was close to his ear. Was soft and deep. Kyle shivered slightly... the hairs on his arms raising just a little.

Nice like... anticipation like...too many feelings like..!

He was pressing the other big hand down on his dick... hard.!

Sucking on the slice of orange in his mouth as well as the fingers... and wanting.!

Wanting...

`MORE.?' Big-hand let his thumb rub across the end of his dick, squeezing slightly. Then running it around the ridge under the flare of the head.

Kyle pushed up and fell backwards into bliss...

*

The otter was wiping his face.

Sitting across from him on the top of the wall of stones.

On the far side of his pond.

They were alone.

Looked at him and wiped his face again.

` You know what it is..' the otter said.

Kyle was quiet. Watching him. Still.

` It is inside of you. You can't run away from it.!'

It looked like the otter was smirking at Kyle.

... and wiped his whiskers.

` It is just, that right now you don't want it.!'

The otter stretched and padded into the bramble thicket.

` Let it go...'

Kyle could hardly hear it... as the otter was now just a shadow among other shadows.

*

`Let it go, my boy... ` Alan's face was looking down on him.

He was breathing hard and fast.

Alan's eyes were sparkling... shining into him. Making the fire inside more somehow.

He wanted to... no, no... not really.!

He had to... had to hold on.

Hold on to Dad.!

Mom.!

David.!

Everything that was ... no, HAD fallen apart recently.

He HAD to.!

He couldn't...

`Let it go, Kyle.'

Kyle shivered. He could feel the hands on his skin. Stroking, caressing... pushing and pulling him more and more towards the feelings.

Kyle knew what was going to happen... he wanted it to happen.!

But then he would loose it all... and himself.

He was crying.

Was wailing... and was letting go.!

Letting Alan push him into the feelings and himself...falling into bliss.

*

` Kyle... Kyle.!'

Kyle's eyes snapped open... he was hot. Sweaty and sticky.! David was shaking him.

`Ok..ok...I am awake.!'

`Jeez, you must have had a bad dream or something... you were moaning and crying, Kyle.!'

David's eyes were full of concern. The curtain still blocked out the light ... somewhat, in that room on the 4^th floor of the pension next to Rossio square in Lisbon. Kyle knew where he was... He rolled onto his back and let go of the pillow he was hugging.

`I am ok, David... really, I am.!' He smiled...' actually better than ok.!'

David seemed unconvinced.

`No really... just an intense dream.! But a good one.!'

Kyle swung himself out of the bed and David chuckled at the tent in Kyle's boxers.

` ok... THAT kind of `better'...

Kyle punched him and pushed him onto his bed. David faked big pain and they wrestled for a few seconds like little boys.

`Time to get something to eat, man... I am starving.!' Kyle threw open the curtain and looked out into the square below, now taking on the soft glow of the setting sun somewhere over the ocean and the orange streetlights, that were switching on.

Kyle smiled out into the fading light. Remembering that this was Alan's favourite time of the day, and how he had learned to like it, laying in his man's arms on the couch, on the deck of that little house in the village in the hills... not all that far from here.! Where his pond was waiting... and maybe an otter.? He knew that it was time to go back there.

To check if it was still there... in a way. To check if Alan was still there...

To talk.

To remember.

To dream.

*

Around the square, past the National Theater and across to Rossio Station. Feeling lively after showers and drawn by the warm night and the lights of the city, they climbed up the little streets next to the old station towards Carmo. Ate in one of the restaurants that had chairs out on the cobble stone streets, overlooking the Plaza, all the way towards the hill with the Castelo St. Jorge on it. Kyle ordered beer and they giggled, when it simply appeared in front of them.

No questions.

Europe..!

David was full of awe in a way and full of eyes towards the handsome waiter. Kyle kicked him under the table.

Sitting with bunches of other young people around the Plaza do Carmo, having bought more beers from one of the plaza café's, it was easy to let themselves drift along with a bunch of other semi- `adults' from all corners of the world... heading deep into the maze of the Barrio Alto. Heading into life itself, it seemed... although that of course was not true. They were a couple of old, young boys.!Wanting to loose the smell of the New World, breathless for the scent of the Old World.!

Whatever it would bring.!

*

It brought them home to the room on the 4^th floor, holding on to each other. Giggling and snorting from too much music, fun and alcohol. Barely able to drop their clothes, before falling on the bed in a heap...almost asleep... totally asleep.! Oblivious to the sun coming up behind the open window. Kyle woke up only long enough to make it to the toilette for a much needed draining of his lizard and to close the curtains... giving them at least semi-darkness.

*

The semi-darkness of the old ruined house was spreading coolness over Kyle's skin.

He was already brown like a native boy... all over.

Standing in the hallway of this large, derelict stone house, naked, only sandals on his feet and his knife strapped to his fore-arm in that thin repelling-rope harness Alan had made for him... Kyle felt the cool spreading... his soft blonde hairs raising up on his skin and his mind making him see things...or..?

He had his stick.

His knife.

This was HIS village as well...! He was listening into the rooms at the top of the stairs. All the windows were open. It was hot and sunshiny outside.

It smelled old... musty... sexy.!

Kyle was looking past the overturned empty suitcase and the broken old wooden chair into the little room beyond.

The rod-iron bed-frame with what had been a mattress...

`You should not have brought him, Kyle...'

Kyle froze.

Coach Saunders voice was close. Somewhere in that room.

`I am sorry... I am sorry...' Kyle whined.

`I know I should not have...but he wanted to, and you ... me, I had to bring him..!'

The Coach looked at him from the doorway of the little room... broken doorframe and a big hole in the wooden floor in front of him.

`OH, I am not angry with you, Kyle... he is...' the Coach looked around to the naked boy tied to the bed-frame...' he is not a hockey player like you, but he is the little sexy bitch that you will never be.!'

Coach had turned towards the boy on the bed and pushed a finger all the way up his bum.!

David moaned. Shifted slightly against the ropes around his hands and feet, but only to push back against the big finger that was deep in his hole.

`Ahhh....... Yesss.!'

Kyle could not breathe.

His dick stood at attention.

He could not look away.

The Coach laughed... and Kyle dropped his stick.!

Turned and ran up the concrete steps to the roof... to the sun, where he could see Alan's house.! Hiding among all the other, bigger houses, it was there.

It was there that he needed to get to.!

He could almost see the Dragons-Wing iron gate...

This was not real.!

That gate was real.

That house was real.

Alan was real.

His knife was real.!

He held it in his hand... inching his way down the old steps past the open door...

`Kyle...' it seemed to whisper from behind him.

He ran... down the steps, past the walls of the small yard... into the lane.

Sunshine, space... the Largo.

Alan's lane....... The Dragon's Wing.

The open door... and Alan's arms.!

The voice was still calling him... no, not the Coach's... his father's.!

*

Kyle sat up... David was sound asleep in the bed next to him. He checked his watch... it was almost 3 pm. He let himself drop back down into the pillows. Maybe he needed this even more than he had thought. Maybe he needed to be told once more, that it was all ok.! That everything will be ok in the end... and if it is not ok, it is not the end.! Kyle smiled. It just might be the truth... just like he was willing to admit to himself now, that Alan had indeed loved him.

-4-

Kyle dozed for a while, waiting for David to make it back from wherever he was drifting in dreamland.

He had not really intended to, but felt like he was somehow in charge of what and where and how, here in Lisbon. Not that he really knew anything about it, other than internet research. But that was ok... Kyle did want to make some of these decisions... this was more his... his what.?

He was staring at the high ceiling and could not sort out the emotions or his thoughts. He remembered a hotel with a large palm-tree in a courtyard that you had to walk up to on an old stone staircase. A courtyard with tables and food... and tears.! A place years ago and miles away, he knew this. A place that happened to him... that was in some way the start of the real transformation. Or was it the time.? Or... the person that carried him to their room that night.?

Kyle was prepared to accept all of it. YES, he was determined to not look away and take all of it in and deeply so. This was, after all, himself... a man.! However young, he was no longer a boy.! He felt a slight shiver run down his body, hiding under the sheets of that small bed in the Pension near Rossio... yes, he was not a boy any longer. Was he still Alan's boy.?

Was Alan still his 'man'..? What did that actually mean..? What happened there... all those years ago..? Kyle was once again full of questions... and no nearer to an answer.

This was not going so well, he finally admitted to himself..! It was taking more out of him than he had thought. Was more demanding and full of emotions than he had thought. After all... it was almost 6 years ago..! Seems that some things are never in the past, in our minds.! Seems that some of the hurt is still very much present... not past.! Kyle was breathing harder... did that mean that all the other emotions would be there as well..? Did that mean that the old man on the mountain would be right after all..? That love did not go away..? He looked over at David. Thought of the girls he had dated last year. That Cub-Scout, he had what... fallen in love with the year before that..!?

What was so different about all these...... or were they.?

Love..?

Kyle shook his head. This did not work. It did not make sense... yet. If ever.! He was not getting anywhere. Just more confusion. Just like those years ago... when he was in this town before. Time to get up... time to stand under the shower-head and let the water carry some of the heat and confusion away. To let it go...

*

They finally got out of the Pension after 6pm... but it was still sunny and warm... almost hot, so all was good. David had not objected to Kyle's choice of restaurant... just wanted to go back to the Barrio Alto later... which was fine with Kyle. They had fun last night with all those crazy kids from allover the world... if had felt like they were part of what REALLY made sense. That they were in the right place at the right place ... for once.!

This was all good. David leaning on Kyle as they eventually made their way down past the Largo de Sao Domingos... once the slave market... after coffee at the Pastelaria Suica, to wake up sufficiently. Sitting in the sun, it was easy to just let go and watch people passing by, cars and busses going around the square and thinking of little else but warmth and feeling good. Kyle wondered briefly if they ever would get on one of those sight-seeing-busses that were circling by every so often... and he suddenly remembered music.

It was not Tango... which somehow was connected to his mother's country... but more soulful. He could not quite remember. But he did now remember that he had not liked it then... with Alan, on that double-decker bus.! Maybe he would find out, if they took a tour. David seemed more interested in food.

Kyle did not disagree. In fact, he was looking forward to having Bacalhau at the Casa do Alentejo. And yes... he did remember eating it at Louise's house with Alan and Nuno. Maybe that was why. It was all just slightly buried underneath a few years of experiences that were nothing like what happened that summer... here in this small country, in the hills. Louise... another old person. Grandmother to Nuno... a boy younger than himself, but more open and determined. It had been easy to fall in love with him... love and lust being very close together when you are almost 12 and someone wraps his lips around your pecker.!

Kyle smiled broadly, remembering that afternoon, as they walked down the Portas De Santo Antao. The restaurants setting up the tables on the street and lots of tourists like them walking through already. But they were early enough, so once through the old doors and up the big stairs past the court-yard, they were soon seated in one of the big rooms with the large tile-pictures on the walls. David followed Kyle's advice to have the cod, but seemed less impressed, when the Bacalhau arrived in a deep dish filled with olive-oil. To Kyle it was not only delicious... it was eating memories and soul-food.! He was once again sitting at the table in the house in that little town, down the mountain from Alan's place, eating this same food. Sitting next to Nuno, who was already pushing his leg against his under the table and across from Alan, who smiled silently, looking at him. Yes, it was good... the smell of the crushed garlic and the soft flakes of the fish, dripping warm olive oil.! Kyle had boldly ordered wine, so both David and himself were slightly 'happy' when they left after a couple of hours. David making jokes about now having to find a Mikey Dee's to get the antidote for this kind of food, as they made their way up to Carmo once again. Ready for another night of fun with all the others, bouncing around the places in the Barrio Alto until stumbling up 4 flights of stairs to their room at the Pension in the early hours of the next day.

*

Dreamless sleep. Restless only because of the reverberating music still in their eardrums and the alcohol in their system. It was not easy to get going the next day... well it was almost afternoon. The last day in Lisbon. Kyle talked David into doing the city-tour by bus. They both liked the fact that for another 2 hours they just sat in the air-conditioned lower part of the big red bus and dozed.

Looking at the sights and barely listened to the commentary by earphone... except Kyle remembered the music. Different but the same. And finally learned it's name: Fado.! It seemed better somehow, although hearing the same song over again was tedious. They ended up taking the No.28 Streetcar up through the Alfama and sat on the Miradouro de Santa Luzia under one of the umbrellas, looking out over the red tile roofs towards the Tejo river. Coffee...water... more coffee. It was good to walk downhill towards Rossio and when they got back to the Pension, they dragged themselves up to their room... and slept.!

-5-

Sleep. Seemed not so easy to get there this time. Coach Saunders was shifting in the always too small airplane seat. He was a big man... not made for those coach-class seats.

He wanted to... sleep that is. The flight from Frankfurt to Bangkok was long enough. Well, he had much to think about and none of it was sleep inducing. The further he was getting away from Canada, the more he was thinking that in all of it's stupidity and craziness, it made sense in that obscure way the truth reveals itself to men sometimes.

Yes, of course it had been a mistake. Not the only one he had made in his life... but this one was in some way more important. The importance was the crazy thing. This mistake... this boy David, made him get out of whatever it was, that masqueraded as life for him. Maybe it had just been time for that change... the change he had never before had had the guts to complete.

All was prepared, all was set... and still, year after year, he had gone back to that stupid village north of the big city. After having lived the life he had dreamed of for all the years he had been married. Had suffered in silence, looking and longing. There had been no children... he was grateful for this. His wife had been broken by it, or so it seemed. Then came the cancer. He cared for her. He suffered with her... till the end.

His only joy was the coaching. He had poured his frustrations as a young man into hockey and so many years later... he was back at the rink... frustrating himself with all the desire that he contained, that he felt for the boys.! Those smelly, half-dressed small angels in the dressing-room... excitement and hormones.! Intoxicating and sometimes hard to not reach out and grab this one or that one, lick the sweat off their naked bodies and mount them in unbridled lust. His wife had been encouraging this community involvement... maybe a little bit because of the passion, which spilled over into the marriage-bed after games.! Lust always wins.!

Yes... boys.! He had discovered that indeed he was not alone with this attraction, this desire... this curse.!

He was old... well 56 was old to all the boys he knew... but not too old to use the new freedom of being a widower for searching all over the internet. Yes... he was scared. Careful. Had read all the things one needed to do... to find the hidden, the dark, the oh so obvious sites. So, while his so called friends thought he was cruising dating sites or maybe straight porn, he wandered the half-light of the dark-web and more.

Pictures and words. Places where people like him met.

He learned.

Not too old for that. Not to dead for this. Very much alive..!

That had been a few years ago. He was too late for the party in Acapulco or PV. Too late for the feast in Romania and St.Petersburg.! Crimea was always too far for him... and much too tame.! Manila and Pagsanjan were something only the 'old-hands' were talking about in nostalgic terms and the 'Siren Bar' had long been closed down in Pattaya...and 42nd Street or Hollywood Blvd. seemed like another century, to every old dog's regret.!

But... he chuckled at this into the drink the stewardess had handed him, not all was lost.

Connections made. Ropes learned. Mistakes made... and pleasure found.!

In the end, if he was brutally honest with himself, this flight was just the end of of a long line of 'station-stops' to the freedom he desired.

Package tourist vacations with his wife had taken him to tax-havens in the Caribbean. So tentatively at first...then more boldly, always in tourist make-up, he started to build a bank-account of funds he moved in cash out of the country to this place. Owner of the only hardware-store in the village, the opportunity to do 'cash' deals were aplenty. Many small builders wanting to avoid paying tax. And after all... it was not like he was not hiding his perversion anyhow.!

Life-Insurance from an Off-Shore insurer worked in his favour with his wife's death as well. Coach Saunders was not a big time crook... just a small squirrel that was putting away its acorns for what was now his new reality.

Coach Saunders also had another little bonus play... he, as many others, had a British mother.

Who had bestowed on him a British Passport.! In the name of Terrance R. Sonder.!

His Canadian passport was made out to a: Robert T. Saunders. A small difference he never corrected.!

The man travelling from Canada to London was indeed a Robert T. Saunders. However, the man about to land in Bangkok was a British subject by the name of Terrance R. Sonder, who owned a house in Nakhon Phanom and was going to be picked up by his driver, his housekeeper and his 'son', in his Daihatsu King-Cab pick-up.

Oh... yes, he paid for the ticket in Frankfurt with cash... although he also had a credit card from a venerable institution, respected world-wide, that had a branch in a Caribbean Island, where the name on the card matched his British Passport.!

Ton, his son... another in a succession of 'sons'... was a poor Issan boy in need of a home. Just as much as Coach Saunders was in need of a willing boy to be fucked.!

Coach Saunders was indeed getting sleepy now, it would be a long drive up to his house, overlooking the Mekong and close to the bridge to Lao, where visa extensions were hand-delivered to his house by his driver when needed... occasionally with a sweet Laotian boy as bonus.

His hardware-store, long since sold to a national chain, house sold... because of all the sad memories he told the friends at the church... blah, blah...! Money slowly shifted off-shore... all was indeed set.!

*

Well... yes, that boy David had been a mistake. More so, because it had been that boy Kyle, which had been disturbing his sleep in that sleepy town.! That gorgeous little boy Kyle... an angel with golden locks and still enough humph on the ice.! What a boy.!

And than his friend David.! What a fuck.! What a slut.!

The mistake was clear... from the first time the boys rode up in front of the store that spring on their bikes...............................

It was early spring still... they came after school. May maybe or even late April.?! He was not sure any longer. Time seemed to drift somewhat, when he thought about it.

Hell... it seemed like one of those sexy stories he had read late at night..!

It was a story come true... and that was how he knew that it was going to end. End for him that was. This life... this place... this clinking-clanking bell that announced a customer coming into the store.

Not that he had not seen them, dropping their bikes against the 3 steps-high porch. This was an old store... his father had owned it before him. So there was that nostalgic factor to all of it. Including that stupid bell and large bay-windows. In the summer it would be the slamming of the screen door... he was not sure what was worse. In many ways it did not matter anymore... the store was not his any longer. He was just the care-taker for the large corporate entity that owned it now.

His eyes followed the boys up the steps to the porch... slowly undressing them as they scampered up to the door. In his minds eye he had Kyle down to his tighty-whities... he chuckled at the dated expression his mind was serving up... and that other boy..............

'Hello Coach'... Kyle was as smily as always.

Leaning against the counter, already fiddling with one of the many small items that were there for 'impulse', or kids with coins in their pockets.

'Kyle... what brings you here'... - step into my office, said the spider to the fly- the man smiled to himself as he silently added this. 'It was not that much of a rush for the summer camp sign up...?'

Kyle smiled up at him again..: 'nah, I have not asked my mom yet anyhow...' his voice trailed off.

'This is my friend David.!' Kyle pulled his friend up to the counter by his arm.

The coach blinked... David... ahmm, he had seen that boy before, at games probably... but this time, close up... close.!

'David'... he fixed the small boy with his gaze. Unlike Kyle, he was not fidgety. Held the mans gaze easily and smiled also... but not the boy-smile Kyle had used. His smile could only be described as lascivious.

'Hello Mr. Saunders...' Davids voice trailed off...leaving things unsaid. The coach swallowed.

He had been looked at like that before. Had been spoken to like that before... but that was a long way from here., in the half light of some boy-bar in those places that still existed in the Far East.

He was holding on to the counter with both hands. Well... he should be much more relaxed at this... should he not.? But this was not some far-away place. This was his home-town.!

Was he imaging all this.?

He stepped from behind the counter and held out his hand... 'Well David, I think we have not met before.?' The boy's hand came to meet his and it was small... soft... warm.!

Kyle watched. Closely. Almost squinting his eyes.

He was still not sure why he was doing this. What he knew was, that it was all so fucked up. He was not changing the words in his head any longer. He could not... fucking, after all, was part of it.! He was doing something... a play, a game, a desperate attempt to change something that maybe he could not change. But he was going to try. He had to.!

If David wanted a big dick... NOT his Dad's... well, he knew someone that would maybe do that.! Yeah, Kyle was not un-aware of Coach Saunders' looks in the locker-room before and after games. Geeze, how could anybody.! He knew that man was looking at him with lust in his eyes... especially AFTER the games. Not that he could figure that out... but he knew. Maybe others on his team did as well, but nobody ever talked about it. The boys turned towards the wall or corner when changing, if the Coach was too close, but mostly it just got lost in the excitement of the game.

After all he was a nice guy, well mostly.

Tough, made you work hard... but winning is GREAT.! And they won a lot of their games.

So, after thinking about what David had said... Kyle had come up with a solution.!

David was going to meet Coach Saunders and Coach was going to... well, they were going to... well whatever they did, as long as it got David away from his Dad, Kyle was prepared to do his part. In the cold part of his heart he knew he had lost David some time ago. He did not want to loose his Dad.!

It was a good plan. It worked. Sort of.

Kyle watched as the big man shook hands with little David. Kyle knew it worked, right then.! He was waiting for something to change inside of himself. Some form of happiness to come and make the fake smile real... but somehow he knew that he had done a bad thing. Or at least it felt like a bad thing.

Bad seemed to change a lot. Kyle did not trust himself any longer, to know what was good or bad.

Actually... in some way he could not explain, he did not trust himself at all... and maybe not even anybody else.!

*

Coach Saunders was holding David's hand a little too long...and still, the boy did not pull away.! This is NOT happening... now, the man thought. Now that he was almost gone. Was almost sailing into paradise. Was looking forward to holding Ton, his latest 'son' close and fucking him hard.!

He shook himself a little. The boys were roaming around the store, stopping by the knife display. This... this David, was smelling of SEX in capital letters.

Not like that angelic Kyle, who had inspired more than one masturbatory fantasy.! This boy... this David... he was the real thing.! He knew it. His cock knew it. Both heads agreed this time. And that meant what..? It meant... the same. Here or in that country far away. It meant the possibility of a moment of happiness, in the very unhappy world he lived in.

It was the fires of hell licking at him in the way that fired up his lust... Coach Saunders knew this.

He knew it was wrong... or better: it was so right it went over the edge and became wrong.! But most of all he knew, he would have this boy.!

-6-

He did.

Somehow everybody knew this.

Kyle knew, he had set it up to be possible.

David knew, when he held the man's hand...!

Coach knew, because he was going to do what he had not... for all the good reasons.

But a month from now, he was gone anyhow.

Not that anybody knew. It was nobodies business. It was all his business... so he made it his business... to have this boy in his bed. On his bed, with his knees by his ears.!

So when the boys left, that first day, his: ' Come back anytime'... was all too clear.

Kyle knew it had worked.

David was excited in the way that made his dick twitch and his mind go into hyperdrive, trying to construct opportunities.

It was not really difficult. David knew he had to only find a way to be there just before closing-time or such. All else would work out by itself... if he said 'yes' at the right time.! And 3 days later, he said 'yes'... to helping Coach close the shop.! They put his bike inside the closed shop. Somehow he knew that closing this early was not normal. But little David had left 'normal' a long time ago.! he wanted this adventure... he wanted this excitement... he was hard in his pants, before the Coach even touched him.

And touch he did.

Coach Saunders did not hesitate for once. He played it like he had learned in the boy-bars in Pattaya. There was no need to talk. He waved David to him, when they stood in the kitchen in the apartment above the store. He was sure, the boy would come to him.

He did.

The Coach folded his arms around him...the boy leaned in... and kissed him. On the lips.

David opened his mouth... and his legs, a few minutes later on the bed. They skipped the for-play.! A few kisses here and there. Shedding clothes on the way to the bedroom. Knowing they would get their own. The Coach was happy finding a clean boy. David was whimpering from the invasion of the man's tongue in his hole. Nobody had done THAT to him before.!

He loved it.!

That big tongue was licking his small wrinkled sack... all drawn up against his body from the excitement. Was softly chewing on his balls, while a big wet thumb was playing over the tip of his dick. He could not stop the panting. The man's other hand under his neck, fist full of his hair, was forcing his head back, exposing his throat.

David had a fleeting thought that he was not supposed to do these things... it made his dick lurch and his breath rush out. Hoping at the same time that the finger in his bum was going to go deeper... much deeper.

' I am not the first man that is going up into you, boy' the Coach was breathing down on David, while twisting his wet finger in his hole to where the really good feeling lived.

' I am not the first boy who's bum you have had a finger up in...' David spit out. The Coach laughed a deep rumbling laugh... and twisted his finger just right... just right there.!!! Just... ohhh sooo good.!

David whined. He laughed a strained laugh... hunched against the invading finger and wailed, when it was stabbing him right there... right THERE.! He could smell the man-scent, the Coach was almost covering him... stretching his arms out above his head, pinning them to the bed-sheets in one big fist. The man was biting his nipples.! It hurt... but also... it was making him shiver and his dick quiver.!

The Coach looked at him. 'More.?'

David turned his head away from the eyes... he knew what the man wanted to hear. Everybody seemed to want to hear it... even Kyle.! It seemed compulsory somehow. Seemed a key somehow.

It would open a world of feelings he craved. A place where he got lost sometimes until the pain made him come back to himself. A time, where it was all about the joy that was going to make him cry and wail... and satisfied. For a while. David was a horny boy.!

'Yes.! I want you to fuck me.!' David's voice was quivering just a tiny bit from the excitement he felt already and the anticipation of more to come. He did not want to just play around... he wanted this mans big cock in his bum.!

The Coach was almost taken aback by the clear direction from the small boy under him. It seemed so out of place here. He had the momentary sensation of hovering above his store in this village in the shallow hills north of the big city... seeing the parcelled yards and fields, the proper ranch-houses and village bungalows... and himself, naked.

Poised to shove a not so small cock, up the bum of a small boy. The boy hunched against him underneath his body... his cock touched the wrinkled rose of the boys anus. This was better than all the nice people, the clean yards and church on Sunday.!

A small amount of hand-cream from the bed-side table was all he needed... and the flared head of his very hard cock pushed through the boy's muscle.!

David hissed... breathing out. Damn, it always hurt at first.! But then...

The coach was not stopping. Slowly he was pushing deep. David wiggled underneath him, pushing his hands against his chest to make him slow down... but he was not going to.! He was going to stuff this little ass full of cock.!

He hit bottom. David moaned.

'Want me to stop.?' The coach asked in a way that made it clear that he was not going to anyhow.

David hurt... but it was already changing. 'No.!'

The push - pull of pleasure was all he wanted now. He wanted it to make the hurt go away. It did. It did in a way that was different than before. This big man was fucking him with the full length of his cock, which was not as big as Kyle's dad, but man was it thick.! It scraped across his prostate with each thrust. David was loosing his mind... slowly. Panting and moaning with each push. He had no idea what was happening... but it was.! His little cock had gone soft... but he was getting so full of the feelings, that it was harder and harder to breathe.

'Breathe boy..!' The coaches words seemed to float into his head... he wailed in a great breath. His body hunching and twitching against the ever pushing - pulling hardness in his inside. Breathing hard and un-even, moaning, snorting and still... this was good.! Sooo good, that David could not help himself begging for more.

More he got.

Not because the coach had such stamina... but the jack-off session in the shower that morning was giving him a few minutes more.! Coach Saunders was getting there much too quickly still. He had wanted to have this last much longer. Sweat dripping from his body on to Davids chest and face. Bending the boy this way and that, he was feeding himself fantasies of more and more of this.!
This was the way he liked it so much... a willing, moaning boy under him, bent to his desire, speared by his cock into submission of giving him the rush that was now quickly rising from his crunched up balls. He kept stretching the boy's arms longer above his head... and still the boy's legs came around his hips as he punched into him with determination.

David was babbling... he only half knew he was. It was intense, he was cumming hard, without being hard... but he was.! It was all the rush, the loosing of your mind, the softness and shivering... except, it kept going somehow. That fat prick was mushing him up inside and all he wanted was more of it.! He was tensed up and tight and loosing his grip. Wanted more. Deeper...harder.! Wanted it to hurt, just to make the good feeling more real.

And never noticed the coach biting into his neck. It was not causing blood, but it was going to bruise... but Coach was spraying bliss right now and it was all warped in a way that lust does when lived to the max for a few seconds.

A rapidly shrinking universe of sweat and smell and seed. Of a pain that feels good in a way that is not clear. A shaking that comes from giving up a little bit of ones soul to the darkness that glows inside at times.

Man and boy were heaving with breaths drawn deep. All simply slowed... until it was done.

They untangled themselves from each other.

' Fuck.!' David exclaimed.

' Give me a few minutes...' the coach joked.

David laughed and rolled onto his stomach.

Asleep in minutes... while the coach was still wondering what just happened here. This was not supposed to be possible here. A boy that comes and gives himself up in a way that is all delicious and delirious. Incredible.

Who would have thought.?!

Good thing he was leaving... because this would put him in jail, if he stayed... Coach Saunders knew this. This boy would be his undoing, in this nice world. Devil child.! He smirked. Well... he may have just come home to hell.! Looking all innocent and angelic, sleeping there... naked and soft. But Saunders knew better. Here was the boy he had been looking for... and therefore he was even more clear that he had to leave. A few weeks... that was all that was left here. And that was good that way. Was right in a way that only made sense to him.

*

Kyle knew David was going to Coach Saunders. Not that David told him. No, somehow the secrets were piling up between them.

But Kyle knew. David was back, playing with him... being with him. Well... when he was not... well not.! But that was more and more. Kyle had not figured that into his plan. That it would take David even more away from him. Yes, it made him sad. In fact somehow it seemed that sad and angry was what he felt a lot. Mostly, he felt lost. Alone in a way that he had not thought of or felt before.

Of course he asked David about the Coach. But David was not telling the truth, Kyle knew this.

All the times David was going over there... well, he did tell Kyle that he was playing some sort of game with the Coach. It sounded like Cowboys and Indians to Kyle... but there was something more. It seemed to be having to do with sex as well... Kyle did not understand. What had being tied to the bed to do with sex.!? But felt left out of David's life even more. Not that he would admit that to David or anybody.

It was getting pretty empty inside of Kyle.

Sometimes he wanted to suck his thumb at night. But of course he didn't... he was almost 12.!

So he was just sad... and alone.

-7-

David was still sleeping. Kyle was packing.

It was time to check out of the place in Lisbon... time to move on.! David was just being lazy. So Kyle threw a wet face-cloth on his chest... ha, that got him up in a hurry.! Swearing and clawing at himself, thinking something horrible had landed on him. Kyle was killing himself laughing. David chased him around the room naked. Boys at play.! Grinning at each other, David stomped off into the bathroom, Kyle back to his pack and duffel-bag. Humping their things down the 4 sets of stairs, they dragged it all around the corner and had coffee on Rossio, before heading off to the Santa Apolonia train station.

North... they were leaving to get to where Kyle wanted to go. David did not really understand what was so important about this stop, but accepted that it needed to be. He knew that there was no way he was going to change Kyle's mind... that this was something Kyle needed to do. Needed to do alone too.! David was a bit worried, hoping it would not un-hinge Kyle. Hey, they had all of Europe still ahead of them.

There was Paris, Berlin, Prague... London, Edinburgh, Rome, Barcelona..........oh there was soooo much.! Coimbra... well, he was not sure about that place. And staying there alone.? Well, there was a University there, so it was maybe ok... but this was summer.! Late morning Rapido... no line-ups, plenty of seats. Eu-rail tickets accepted no problem, at the ticket counter. All very nice... hassle free. Just a 30 min wait and off they would be. North. Somewhere new.!

They had too much gear.! Kyle and David dragged their duffels into the train. Day-packs on and electronics in their pockets. They needed to ditch some of this... but what.? Well, maybe it was too early to know or decide... but lugging the kilos was not fun. So they dropped into the seats, happy to have stowed the gear away for the next few hours. David was reading in the guide-book. Kyle watched the landscape pass... his mind wandering again. He could not help it and maybe he did not want to... look away again. Yes, there was old pain. There was anger. There was the disappointment of things ending. But in all there was a part... pictures his mind flashed up... of happy faces. Nuno.! Himself... reflected in a pool of water.! Stars at night from under a blanket, wrapped in big arms. A stone-house-village with a naked little boy standing in it.!

Himself.!

Smiling. Yelling and running. Moaning out another cum. Wanting IT again.!

'Jeez'... David was punching him in the arm. 'I am supposed to be the horny pervert around here.!' David followed his gaze down to his lap... yeah.! Tent-city.! He giggled.!

'Just keep reading'... he returned the punch. ' I will tell you some time.!'

'You BETTER.!' David was rolling his eyes.

North from Lisbon past Santarem, then on to Coimbra.! They relaxed into their own dreams...

... was it.? A dream, that is.? Kyle was not sure. All the memories, all the pictures... all the dreams. YES, he wanted to remember. In fact he remembered a lot. But it seemed like it was a different life. Like it was another Kyle. Well, in a way it was... a different Kyle. It somehow was the start of... THIS KYLE.! He almost woke David up, but then... he knew instinctively, that it was NOT something he would understand. David was gay. Always had been. Not anything else.

Loving a boy.? Having sex with a willing boy.? Most gay men forget they have been boys, it seems. It keeps them sane, somehow. It makes it ok, somehow... to be who they are. In this time, in this society... with these morals. It was about happy enslavement to the morals of the day.! Just with more sex and the right to die.! Kyle had read too much about it. About being gay. 21-century boy... who knew his way around the internet, past any silly parental controls.When he tried to understand and was old enough to understand. Forums, porn... some of it truly frightening... and LOTS of information.! This is why it was all not working out. He was not gay. Or not really... or something like it, but not really. It all become muddled in his head again.

He watched the landscape.

He was not quite ready... to wake up. To wake up to being the most hated being in the Western World.! NO... he was not ready for that..! If ever. That was why he needed that old man in the hills. He was even more a mess than when he was almost 12, in a way.

He had fallen in love with a little boy.!

*

Scouts was nice. Kyle had reluctantly agreed to go, after he came back from being with Alan.

His dad was there.

But it was ok. The routines were ok. The other boys were pretty un-cool, so they were actually nice.

They did things. They went into the country, camping and such. Kyle felt good about that, because it was a little like being back in the hills.

He stayed with it.

School... well a new school... was getting better as well. Even without David. Or maybe a little because David was not there.?

There was no more Hockey. He was done with that. Soccer for fun and LeCross at school. He was not built for football or swimming. But he was a team-player and worked hard at the game, so he became a very welcome addition. So even though most of his peers thought that Scouts was for perverts or nerds, he was one of the cool guys at school.

He was not the best student, but his grades reflected his will to work at it. This kept his folks off his back and life at home was often so un-eventful, that he had trouble remembering that it had not been that way at all when he was young.

Oh, yeah, David... well that was not too hard. The vast resources of the internet made it a snap to find him again. It took a while to set it up, but by the end of the school year, they were going to the same camp for 2 weeks in the summer, without their respective parents knowing about it.

They had a great time that summer.! David was a slut, a camp full of boys and a few men was just too much.! But it all worked out... mainly because Kyle made sure David was not too stupidly in lust.!

After that summer they simply told their parents that they had met again and were going to keep being friends. Family vacations followed, as Kyle's dad was mostly working during those times anyhow, and his mom was glad that David was out of her hair and happy to have his friend with him.

Everybody wanted to forget that it had been different not so long ago. Pretended it was all as it had always been. Kyle also.!

He even wanted to forget about that old man in the hills.

He did in a way. Except for dreams... he was not thinking about it any longer. The anger he had felt at first was long gone. It in fact felt much like a dream, like it never REALLY happened.

Girl-friends helped. It was like there was always some girl, that wanted to be close. Kyle was surprised in a way. He liked the attention more than the girls... but it worked. They liked his attention more than him as well it seemed. But even with emotions going up and down... nobody was into long-term things it seemed. He was too much a good friend for all that.

He did like the benefit part. Sex with girls was ok. He liked it. They liked it. Hell, he was a horny young boy.! Love... well, no.

But maybe that was not so important. Besides, he never talked about it. All the girls liked that.!

Somehow Kyle was careful with the love thing. He said it, but did not feel it inside. Because he did not want to have that pain again.!

A couple of summers ago, when he had his first troop of little scouts to lead, he was suddenly back to having to think about it all. It had been fine, when he was a scout himself. The admiration of the younger boys was sometimes flattering, sometimes annoying. They were both silly and cute in their attempts to gain his... what.? Attention, sure. Help... of course. That was enough for all but one.

He wanted more, it seemed. Kyle was sure. The little boy was coming on to him like some of the girls at school.! Always smiling up at him with shiny eyes, standing close... leaning against him, touching. Finding any excuse to be around him... short of telling him to get lost, he was in fact his shadow that summer. And when he did tell him to get lost... sulking to the point of tears.!

Kyle told him to get lost often.

Too often in a way... because somewhere inside, old things were working their way to the surface again inside of Kyle's mind and heart. It became so very confusing.

He was moody... but he hid behind 'I am a teenager, I have the right to be moody' bit.! Although it was of course not some hormonal surge or other. He knew what it was. Remembered the feelings.

Remembered all the little things that lead up to... liking someone so much that it hurts.!

At first he told himself that he was only helping that little boy. Making him hurt now would mean he would learn to hide those feelings... right.! Just like him... right.?! Because somewhere deep inside, where Kyle only went in his dreams, that little boy was a desirable, naked little faun with smooth skin and luscious lips. His naked body was no mystery to Kyle, as he had been presented many opportunities by the boy to see him in his skin-suit. Kyle never looked too long, but took away every image in his head. From tousled blond hair to those small feet.! And oh... yes, everything in between.!

*

On the train going north from Lisbon, Kyle had to adjust his hard dick again... David only snickered.!

*

Yes... he had hurt that little boy. He was sure of it. The kid did not come back the next year. Kyle was relieved. Felt guilty. Felt ashamed... but relieved. He did not feel good about himself... that was for sure. Here he was mean to the little boy, making him cry even... and many nights he was practically raping him in his fantasies. Or how he told himself after spilling some cum over his belly, 'loving ' him.!

All that winter he had escaped into one stupid affair with any willing girl after the other. Yeah... he was considered a good fuck. He was nice and good looking, they said. Had a good body and made you cum.! That were his playing cards. Yeah... no trouble making a girl cum... usually. He lasted a long time.! He had more sex than most of his mates.

He had also experienced what it was like to BE fucked. But in the end it all came down to the fact that the film playing in his head was not the girl he was with or had been with... no, it was a little David, a little Nuno...or a little scout.!

But even that was shameful. Was sad. He was playing himself. Was pretending. It was a film, he was directing himself. He was an actor with a role to play.

At home in his room, with his headphones on, listening to The FooFighter's 'Learn to fly' again and again... crying, he knew he was alone. Very alone... 'Enter Sandman'.!

And a sneaky little animal came and bit into his heart.!

*

Kyle had turned his face to the window... making as if he was watching the world slide by, outside of the train-car. But he could not stop the tears. He let them run down his face. Silently. That little animal was wide awake... no old man singing it to sleep.! David's hand gripped his neck. Massaged his tense muscles on his shoulders. It helped. David said nothing... just kept touching him. Kyle let him.

'I will be ok in a minute, David' he whispered. 'I 'll be ok.!'

David waited... and when Kyle did turn to him, he simply embraced him. Not caring, if anybody else was around. ' You better tell me sometime, my friend. All this is not so easy, not so painless... it seems.' David paused 'why do you need to do this.?'

Kyle looked up at his childhood friend..: ' for me, David. For all that happened. For you. For my life.! I need to see him... that old man.'

David bit his lip... he was not sure what to say. This was a bit too heavy for him. He knew that Kyle needed something. Sort something. Do something... up in those hills. Alone. Well with that old man there. But what it was... whatever it was... it better get done.! He kept his arm around Kyle's shoulders. He kept quiet. He had learned that this was sometimes all you could do.

*

Kyle went to sleep... or something like it. That state of semi consciousness that he seemed to be in a lot these days. A dream-filled place of intense feelings, smells, colours... memories.!

-8-

`Boys...' John's voice was getting a sharp edge. Kyle looked towards the kitchen, from the family-room which was just a couple of steps down and to the side. David and he had been wrestling around on the floor in front of the big-screen TV.

Impatient, waiting for John to get on with the snacks.

It was one of those good nights when David and he were alone in the house with Kyle's dad. Guy-TV night.!

John brought the pizza down to the family room.: ` Be careful with it... don't slop it all over the place, or your mom is going to kill us.!'

David and Kyle were inhaling pizza... not listening. John smiled.

`Hmmm... good, Dad.' Kyle was gushing between bites. He did like his dad's pizza... partly because his dad knew what he liked. So he did not have to pick off the green pepper things that ALWAYS were on the store bought ones.

David's dad was away again on business and Kyle's mom was visiting her mother in town.

Sisters were over at David's house, having a sleep-over.

*

John had no chance.

Kyle needed to know and he was going to find out tonight.!

He had simply told David that it was going to be what he HAD-TO do.!

So now, with the movie playing on the big screen, John sitting with the boys on the couch... Kyle nudged David.

It looked like one of those nudges that boys do to each other... but David knew better. He was excited in a strange way. NO... he did not really wanted to do what Kyle told him to... but just because he did not want to be told.! He did want to do very much what Kyle wanted him to...

His dick was already giving him good feelings as it rubbed inside of his sleeping shorts. Yes, he was staying over... of course. It made a tent in the light cotton shorts, but Davis did not mind... in fact he wanted it to show.!

It was not lost on John, who was sitting closest to David, as Kyle had claimed the armrest to lean against.

So David leaned against John. Tight up against him. David liked this.! He liked the smell of the man next to him... yes, he could smell him. Not dirty or sweaty... but... David did not know what to call it. But it crept into his nose and made it all the way to his stomach. Where it made him twitch and tighten his bum-cheeks.

Real Steel, the movie they were watching gave lots of opportunity to twitch, when the fighting scenes were on. David shuffled closer to John... grabbed his arm.

He was horny... wanted sex.! Wanted John to pick him up and take him downstairs to the rec-room, where they usually had sex. Where he would be on his back on the couch, legs up beside his head, crunched under John, who would be hunching over him, pressing him into the cushions and holding his legs up, while pushing his big dick into him... again and again. Until David could stand it no longer and squeaked in delight at loosing himself to the feelings...again.!

Kyle was watching from the edge of the sofa.

John's hand had long found David's leg. Casual like, but not so casual really.

Kyle was not watching much of the movie. He had seen it before anyhow.!

He was watching David... and his father. Not being able to keep from touching each other. It seemed playful... but Kyle had new eyes. He saw what he had not before, now that another layer of innocence had been peeled off him.

He called for a break, to run to the bathroom, but glared at David with the unspoken message to `get on with it'.!

John got up to make popcorn... David followed him up the steps to the kitchen.

Stood in front of him deliberately, at the counter with the microwave, pressing himself back into John's crotch.

`David...' John whispered...' we have to be careful, you know that.!'

` He wants to watch...' David just blurted it out, while holding John's hand to his chest.

`WHAT...' John was stunned, but he still tried to contain himself. 'You told him..? You told Kyle..?'

` He found me with someone...' David's head sank to his chest... ` ...and he,... I ... well I had to.! Had to tell him.! We have been DOING it since forever.!'

`What are you telling me, David...' John was upset. But he could not... not here, not now.! Now, here... David was getting bolder by the minute. He held on to John's hand and felt behind himself to the mans crotch... RIGHT.! He knew it.

` You like the idea, DAD.!' David was deliberate in his choice of words.

He had an idea that Kyle was not un-interesting to John. Just kind of more out-of-bounds than he was.

Besides, he liked it and had seduced John all by himself.!

David laughed. YES, he knew that he would get what he wanted... and what he wanted was in his hand now.! Behind cloth still...but hard and BIG. David shivered a little, thinking about it going up him... all the way to where it felt sooo good, after the pain went away.

Kyle had already returned to his place on the sofa, but kept the film paused.

He knew that it was now or never...

David's argument was simple: YOU want to, I want to... and he wants to.!

John was torn up inside. A roller-coaster of fear and excitement. He dared not dream about...

David suddenly was the bold one... fuelled by the desire that was pulsing in his hard dick and the slight twitches of his bum-hole.

`Your dad and I are going down to the rec-room to do it...' John just about had a heart attack then...' you coming..?"

David needed it. That feeling... all those feelings.! So he did not let John get away...held his hand and dragged him down the stairs, having placed the container with pop-corn on the coffee-table.

Kyle nodded... he could not speak any longer, it was all tight and dry inside of him, but excited as well. Got up ... and just followed.

It was like a movie somehow...

Like they were actors... following a script.

David on the couch... his sleeping shorts already off. John, being held by the hand by David and pushed down on to his knees in front of the splayed legs of the boy.

John wanted to take control, run away... hide somewhere or best...NOT be here at all.!

But he was.

He was on his knees in front of the sofa in his rec-room, in his house, with a naked boy inviting him between his thighs. Stiff 3 inches of delicious boyhood staring him in the face ... again.

He was not going to be able to resist this boy, who's dark-skin bum-hole seemed to be winking at him... who was panting already.

Suddenly it was like David was in charge... directing things.!

David knew what he wanted... and could get.! John knew what he wanted, but could he get it.? He had before, but this was always a game of chance.

Could he take another chance... with Kyle..? He shuddered in excitement, his cock impossibly hard already in his pants.

`Take your clothes of man' David told Kyle..' it's better that way for all of us.!'

Kyle simply dropped his sleeping shorts.

John moaned slightly.

David smiled as if to himself... yeah, he knew it.! This was going to be a good one.

Kyle was pushing his soft long cock around with his fingers, standing beside David on the couch, leaning against the back of it... looking at his father.!

John trembled... could he.?

Would he.?

Should he.?

He looked over at Kyle... drinking in his sons beautiful body.

He dared not look at his face, into his eyes.

David was tugging at his belt... he let him.

David undid his pants and pulled down the zipper of his pants.

Pulled his pants down to his knees. Grabbed his boxers...

`Wait..' John struggled with the words...' Kyle...' he looked at his sons face, into the blue eyes beneath the long blond strands of hair..' are you ok with this.?'

Their eyes locked... Kyle nodded slowly. No words. Eyes drilling into John's.

OH Gods, he was so beautiful, John was panting from David's caresses of his cock through his boxers. He stood up and dropped his shirt on the floor.

Next to his pants and underwear.

David hissed and reached out...

Kyle's eyes were big... like his dad's cock.!

Or so it seemed...

The basement room was hot. It smelled of ... sex.! Of wanting.! Of desire... dripping from John's man sized cock in pre-cum that David smeared over it's purple head.

Kyle was breathing through his mouth... small tongue dancing around his lips, moistening them. He could not look away. His dick was hard.

He tingled all over his skin. But he was also afraid.

David was not. He reached between the cushions... dug around until he came up with a small bottle of baby-oil.

John sank to his knees again... pushing David's legs apart and up... he needed to just, just...

David squeaked in pleasure as his mouth sank down over David's dick... lips pressing close as he slid all the way from the small flared head to the hairless root, above the tight wrinkled bag of balls.

John's mind was doing flip-flops. He was moaning softly as he devoured the joy-stick of the boy that he had been having such terrible fun with.

The boy that he knew had a definite hunger for his cock.

But there was the other hunger... John's hunger for Kyle. His son.!

Adopted... son. He shook his head, making David squeak in delight, Kyle was his son.!

That boy next to David on the couch... holding his stiff dick and watching him... silently.

John looked up from between David's legs.

They locked eyes again... him and Kyle, as he slowly teased David's bum-hole with one finger...who's eyes were pressed shut and mouth open, panting desire.

*

He was going to show his son... show him how he would love him, if he let him.!

John was breathing deeply... he was going to make David scream with delight, so that Kyle knew what could be had from his hands and body... if only he wanted to.!

If only he let him.!

Kyle could not look away.

But somehow it seemed like it was not really him. Like it was another Kyle, that was watching his father tease David's dick with his lips and at the same time push first one, then two oiled fingers up his bum. They slipped deep, then out and just around the hole... then deep again.

David was twitching around and Kyle knew from the noises he was making, he was going to cum soon. He knew... well, one part of him knew David's pleasure sounds well. Liked it much, when they had been together like this... when he, well one of him, had been the one making David loose it.

And David was loosing it... that battle against getting the feelings more and more... wriggling around against those fingers, that pushed deep into him. Twitching against the mouth that was swallowing his small dick all the way... sometimes including his shrunken, tight ball-sack as well.!

The tongue against the underside of his dick... John's hands slowly rubbing his stomach and at times pinching his nipples.

He wanted more... just more, of all of this.!

`Eeehhmm' he boiled over, squeaking his joy into the semi darkness of the basement room.

David was hunching against the fingers, crunching up to get more of his dick into John's mouth and holding on to John's hand on his stomach.

`Aahhhnnngg...!' David fell of the edge.

Kyle was fascinated in a way. The one part of him was quietly sad. The other was excited and amazed. A few minutes of his father's play with David's pecker and bum and David was cumming hard.!

David was floating still, feeling a little empty, but safe in John's arms.

John was holding David's legs over his shoulders, leaning into him and holding the small boy under him close. He knew that David liked this a lot... this being folded up against him, held tightly in his arms, with him all over and around him.

Kyle had liked it when he had been smaller... John's excitement was kicking up another notch... when he had crunched him up into a ball in his arms, while play-wresting with him. Somehow, they had not done that for what seemed like a long time...

When the world had returned to feel right-side-up again, David felt John's hands making circles on his stomach and chest. He smiled. It was going to be soo good... he knew it. John was excited, more than normal... he did not have to hide this from Kyle any longer... actually both of them did not have to do that any longer.!

And he could let himself go and enjoy all of this... including the stubble of John's beard slightly scratching on the soft insides of his thighs, when he pressed them together. But John was now moving back, sitting on his haunches... David's feet folded around his neck... he did not want John to get up and leave. He handed him the small oil-bottle again...

Kyle watching in fascination as his father was dripping oil on to his large cock. Some of it running down in drops along the hard shaft into the dark hair at the base, above the big balls. It made the stretched skin glisten. It made the big flared head seem even redder.!

John on his knees, was at the perfect height to push his cock into David's hole... although he was rubbing his crown around the sphincter first, in circles that made David sigh already again. Pressing forward, red helmet against brown little hole... it seemed impossible at first. David hissed.

There was that part, he frowned... that pain part.! But that too was in a strange way exciting... so David pushed back. More pain...but only for a moment.

`Aahh... you are so big.'

Kyle did not know if David was complaining, or if it was desire. He kept watching, holding his own hard dick in his hand....but he could not make out if David or John actually still knew he was there.

That other part of him was getting more sad.

`And you like it so much... me being big.!' John whispered back, pushing a little more against David's hole...' come on, David... open up. You know you want this big thing ... all of it.!'

David wiggled, twitching at times... but pushed back. Pushed his bum against the big cock that was poised at the entrance to his ass and willed himself to open up.

To enjoy the rush of pain that was now travelling up into him, together with the big head of John's cock.

Up and into him...David stopped breathing trying to move away... but John held him tight and kept pushing. He wanted to scream... his mouth opened, but also knew that it was going to be from joy in a few seconds or so.!

It was less... John's cock pushed into David's small prostrate and David squealed... in joy.!

Did not know where to put the pain, but as all the other times, the pleasure mixed with it and just covered it up.

`Yessss....yes.!'

John kept pushing more of the shaft into the small boy beneath him. He was more excited than he could remember being for a long time. He kept sneaking glances at his 11 year old, naked, beautiful son that was kneeling next to him and David on the sofa. He was not going to be able to make this last too long... or even that good, he was simply too excited.

That was not lost on David... who was twitching under the man, being impaled on a man-sized cock and not so slowly either.

Yes, there was pain... but it was almost gone and the man was smelling of sex and of power... and it excited David more than he wanted in a way. Because he was going to be fucked hard and he somehow did not want his friend Kyle to know how much he wanted it, or did he..?

But all that became just thoughts that drifted away as John started to pull out, grazing over his SPOT again and making him sigh, before pushing in and doing it again.!

Panting, laboured breaths the smell of baby-oil and something else... musky... Kyle was glued to the spot next to David. He wanted to reach out and pet his friend, who was grimacing in pain, between panting.

But David's dick was hard and quivering and he was clenching his fists around the fabric of the cushions he was being pushed into with each thrust, while his eyes were sparkling.

The sad part of Kyle knew... David was far away now... inside of his own head.

The feelings of pain and pleasure were all mixed up...but the good feelings were getting stronger it seemed, as a fleeting smile crossed his face at times, when his father was pushing into him.

Kyle also knew that his father was sometimes looking over at him... and it was not like looking... it was `wanting'..! This was all getting scary in a way...but Kyle could not, would not move. He just watched in fascination as his father was slipping his entire cock into David's small bum.!

And David... David was past the pain and wanted it... all of it.!

`More...' he panted up into John's face `I ...it's good... only good now.!'

John let himself be pushed on by the boy's voice and words... and started to fuck him deeply. Hard. Insistent.

Strong, powerful thrusts all the way into the tight, hot tube of flesh that surrounded his cock. He wanted this... this lust. This driving to his orgasm... even if this was a small boy beneath him. He knew that by now he would not be hurting David any longer... but even that would not have stopped him now.!

This is what David wanted. He was sure. The boy not only had seduced him a long time ago... he wanted it daily, if John let him close. And now... here, it was not even about David as much as it was about his son..! Kneeling close to David and him... so close, John could almost feel his skin, as he was rocking into a panting and moaning David.

He was fucking David hard and fast... and David loved it all. But... John was panting in his mind... HE wanted Kyle.! Wanted him so much, so totally, that he was punishing the willing boy beneath him with the pounding rhythm of his thrusts. To David's delight...

`Yes... good, OHHHH.... So... good...please, please..' David was becoming lost in the pleasure.

John was becoming lost in the desire.

Kyle was getting lost.

*

John was grunting with each thrust... getting closer... close.!

David had managed to push himself back even more, arching his back... rolling his head to the side, mouth open...

`YESSS... fuck me Dad.! Fuck me more... I want to cum... YESSS...!'

David's sweaty body was being pushed into the back of the couch and John grunted in his release as David squeaked and shook in his own orgasm.

`Take this my boy.! Here it comes, Kyle.!'

Kyle was shivering... yes, he was excited. Stiff dick and all, but this had gone to some place he was not sure he understood.

Oh, he understood the words... David and his father had been loud.!

They were close... his father covering all of David in a hug... his dick still in David's bum.

David out of it, but hanging on to John.

Kyle got off the couch.

Grabbed his shorts off the floor and went upstairs.

He put his shorts on and started the movie.

Dipping his hand into the pop-corn bowl... but not eating.

The sad part inside of him was growing and making it hard to breathe.

He did not know what to do.

Again.!

-9-

Damn, those packs had to get lighter somehow... David was sweating and swearing along with Kyle. Walking from the train-station, which seemed at the edge of town somehow, to the centre of Coimbra was quite the hike.! Especially in the heat of the middle of the afternoon... actually more like sightly past lunchtime, so they decided to stop for lunch first, before climbing the old stairs into the ancient part of the town. So before reaching the Arc de Almedina, they stopped at one of the many cafe's in the shopping street at the foot of the university district and had a beer and another 'toasta mista'..! This time it had both ham and cheese on the dry bun. But hey, when you are hungry and sweaty... it hits the spot.!

It was a good thing, because once they reached the square of the Se Velha de Coimbra and the Hostel Serenada up all those steps, they were sweating again.! Kyle thought about all those other medieval cities they were going to visit. Was it always like this.? Time to sort and re-pack... just how many pairs of underwear does a 'man' need to drag around with him anyhow..? This was rapidly turning into an experiential education.

' Ok, so you choose the next places to stay' Kyle snorted at David, who was shooting him looks of disgust as they dragged themselves up the stairs to the reception. All was good really, Kyle knew it somehow. This was a good place to leave David and go off on that... whatever it was, up into the mountains.

Not so far from here. Not so long now. Already too close...?!

Checking in at the old house in the ancient district beside the cathedral and just below the University/Castle in the old moorish part of town... at some time this was the capital of Portugal, it became clear to Kyle that it was right. Was good. David was scoping the other 'travellers', NOT tourists in the place and finding a lot to look at, Kyle was silently relieved. He would leave David here for a couple of days...

But this after all was a city of cosmopolitan demeanour even a thousand years ago. The southern edge of the then Portugal. Scholars of all religions and interests had mixed here. David would be ok. It wasn't really the question in his mind anyhow. This was a place of students, even if the academic year had ended a while ago. David was going to be ok.

But what about himself..?!

Kyle shook it off and they trudged up the narrow staircases to the 3rd floor and their room. They had opted for a twin room, not the dormitories... and it was good that way. They dropped their gear, swearing to each other to sort out and ditch most of it tomorrow.

*

The hostel made it easy to connect with home and both David and Kyle checked their mail and wrote a few lines to the folks as well. Kyle also confirmed to Nuno that he would indeed be arriving the next day, since he now knew where and when the bus was going to that small town in the mountains. The trek from the train-station into town had taken them right past it earlier.

Nuno, Kyle smiled to himself... another key-stone to the making of what he had become. It was good. He knew this more than before. Was very sure of it. But definitely nervous. Nuno was as enthusiastic as before, when Kyle had made contact with him and told him of the plan to come to Europe and especially to come to... the mountains.! They had had some chats about it in the last months, but now... now it was real and real close.

Kyle left David chatting with the other young people in the lounge and went to their room... this was not getting easier. Maybe it was a little of the thoughts about David, worry more like, that worked their way into Kyle's dreams when he laid down on his bed. He was actually not that sleepy, but more like hiding from the world... except that other world brought more dreams.

*

' I am not going back there, ever.!' David spit out the words in a rush, just as he had rushed into Kyle's room in his house. Pressed into the corner of the bottom bunk-bed, across from Kyle, David was scared. Kyle could almost smell it, that fear. He kept looking into David's eyes, which were wide and slightly red from crying it seemed.

'That guy is crazy, man...totally crazy.!' David was almost shouting. Kyle got up from across him and closed the door to his room. His parents were not home yet and little sister was over at her friend's house. He sat beside David, close.

David huddled even closer to the wall... and began to sob.

'He hurt me..' Kyle waited, not knowing what to say or do 'he hurt me for real this time.!' David lifted his head and looked into Kyle's eyes. 'He hit me with his belt..!'

Kyle gasped...David sobbed.

Kyle wanted to reach over and put his arm around David, but he was not sure if that was what David wanted. It wasn't... but talking was what David wanted, needed.!

So out it came... with snot and tears at first, then with spits of anger... then David reached for Kyle.!

Coach Saunders had 'entertained' David once again. David had been going over there quite a bit. He liked it...even the 'tie-up' games. It made the whole thing even more ...'forbidden', a delicious sort of 'bad', that was really good. Really good.! David liked it a lot.

But today it had gone somewhere else... no little slaps on his bum, making it warm and tingly. NO, this time it had been a thin leather belt from Coach Saunders pants that lay discarded beside the four-poster bed.

It had hurt.! REALLY hurt.! David was crying then... and now again, leaning against Kyle.

But he had been lashed to the bed-posts naked and as much as he struggled, it made no difference... or better, it did make a difference... to the Coach. He beat him and fucked him hard afterwards, more turned on than David had seen him before.

David was scared, very scared.

Kyle was scared, very scared... but also because he knew this would bring some change. Not that he was sure what was to come, but he knew some change was going to come soon... for better or for worse.

David finally let him see his bum... Kyle winced when he saw it... it had red welts over it.! Some of them actually had a little blood.! They cleaned it up in the bathroom and Kyle put some Pollysporin on the cuts and cream on the welts... but David was scared.

The boys tried to arrange a sleep-over at Kyle's, but it was a school-night and so it got vetoed by both mothers and after dinner, Kyle watched David walk over to his house slowly, head hanging down over his chest.

The world did not stop that day, even though Kyle was waiting for some thing to happen.

Nor the next day... but just as Kyle thought it was going to be a normal weekend, with David sleeping over and play in all kinds of ways... the world imploded noiselessly. No noise. Just expanding silence... and a police-car in David's driveway, when he got back from school.

His mother was home.

He was told not to go over to David's house. In fact he did not see David again for more than a year.! But despite his rage and desperation... the ADULTS were firmly in charge here, if they wanted to or not.

When the police interviewed him, his father was more nervous than Kyle. It made him sad. It made him loose a bit of faith in his father... it made him lonely.! He had nothing to hide... so he felt.

So he told them all he knew about the Coach... just nothing about what David had told him. He somehow knew that the police-woman did not quite believe him... but she wanted to, he felt that.

So she did.! The man in question was nowhere to be found anyhow.!

He wanted David. But David was somewhere else. Far away in some strange place in the Prairies.! he was not allowed to speak to him... or write, or... This was not making any sense, but it did not change anything. It hurt. It hurt not having David.

Why does it hurt, when you miss someone you love.?

Kyle could not work it out... could just try to block off all those feelings of abandonment. He learned to not let go. Not cry. Not feel too much.!

*

He felt someone shaking him... and jumped...

'Woah... easy Tiger..!' David was chuckling. 'All I thought is that I should wake you for dinner...?'

Kyle nodded apologetically. 'Sorry... dreams do that to me sometimes..'

'Don't I know, man..' David was dismissive. 'Get going, we are going out with some people...'

It was almost dark outside. He must have slept a long time... summer meant long daylight hours. Almost summer solstice.! They went with a bunch of people to all kinds of places that night. Kyle remembered eating. Hearing Fado... ending up at 'Piano Negro'... but really, he was gone already. Somewhere else. Functioning on auto-pilot. David helped. Kyle was grateful for that. David could be very entertaining and he was at his best that night.!

Kyle was lost.

*

So he went home to the Hostel early... well, earlier than the rest of the gang. He needed to get up earlier too.! David would be fine.

What was he going to be...?

-10-

David had stumbled in a few hours after Kyle had come home to the Hostel. It was ok actually, because Kyle had not found his way to dreamland... because he precisely did NOT want to go to dreamland again. But with David muttering and scurrying around before dropping into bed naked and snoring softly withing a minute or so, Kyle finally drifted off too. Dreamland waiting ...

*

His parents were worried.

Kyle knew instinctively that he was part of the reason behind that exaggerated friendliness Laura, his mother was pouring on. He kept watching his father... closely.!

John was distraught. Was worried and tense. Spoilt the pizza night to the extend, they went out to dinner instead.!

Kyle felt guilty.

Felt small.

Wanted to walk over to his dad and sit in his lap and tell him all would be ok, because... well because ...he was here for him.!

That did not work... well not that way anyhow. Actually, it did not work at all.!

But he had to try... didn't he.?

Kyle was hurting. Missing David. John was hurting, missing David..?

Laura was missing her perfect little world.! Her perfect kids. Her perfect husband. Her perfect life.! Nothing was normal any longer.

Nothing was ever normal.!

Kyle knew.

But he had to try. Had to try to make it all normal. Be normal. Have normal. PLEASE... can I have normal... please.............

Did not work.!

*

Another empty weekend.

Kyle did not remember exactly how many weeks David had been gone. Not so many really... it just seemed that way. It FELT THAT WAY.!

Dad was making pizza again. Nobody really wanted any, well maybe little sister. They just went on with what had always been. Safer that way. Except it wasn't.

There was not only the pizza smell, Kyle decided... it was more. A kind of desperation smell. The kind that leaves you shivering in a warm room.

It was all around him. Not just his father... but also his mother. Most disturbing was that he could not wash it off himself in the shower at night.! It stayed with him at night. Clinging to his body like a wet shirt.

Things had changed... in fact they were changing still. Kyle wanted it to stop. NO MORE changing.! No more not knowing what was going to happen next. He needed to make it go away this changing. He so desperately wanted it all to back to the way it was 'before'. Wanted his family back... his mother, his father......David.!

Kyle had not been to school for a few days now. So he had a lot of time to think about what to do. But mostly he was sad. Tired for no real reason... sleeping a lot. Hiding.

Nobody came looking for him... not even his dad.

So Kyle went looking for him. On that Saturday morning, when his mom and sister were out shopping. It had been a bit of a plan, as it was a chance at maybe getting things back to 'before' somehow.

He could hear his dad in the basement... Kyle wandered down to the playroom still dressed only in PJ's. His dad was sorting out things... moving things around. Kyle flopped down on to the couch.

The silence was like a hot afternoon heaviness between them.

His dad working slowly, at whatever it was he was working on, Kyle brooding.

Thinking about David.

About the couch he was sitting on... and about what he had seen going on between his dad and David. It was hard to work out. Why were they doing IT.?

No, no...he knew why they did the sex... David was pretty clear on what he wanted, no... why did they 'play' at being... HIM, Kyle, and his dad.?

Why.?

He watched his dad... sometimes his dad would look up at him... and slowly, slowly he worked it out.! It had to do with the looks his dad was giving him. They were 'David' kind of looks... meaning they had desire hidden in them.

It looked a little like sadness or even desperation... but Kyle was sure it was more ... longing.?

He was sure he had that look sometimes, looking at David...when they were close. He had watched David enough, to know that David had looked like this at,... not only him. He had looked at Kyle's dad that way.!

It had to do with sex.! As in 'wanting sex'..! Kyle was sure.

' Why do like David more than me, dad.?' Kyle's question chilled the thick air in the room like someone had just opened the door to a freezer.!

John felt shivers run down his back, hiding his face in the semi-darkness of the back-wall. He knew he would need to turn around eventually... but for a long minute, he resisted.

They had always been close, Kyle and him. He had done most of the initial caring for his son. Had taken parental leave and more. Laura was often too busy... or somewhere else in her head. Yes, they were close. And now... now they shared secrets that John was terrified to have exposed. His life was marred by secrets. But he had wanted it all.

Just like he had 'wanted' Kyle. Firstly as a son... and then, yes, then... as someone to not only love, but also to make love to.! John shook his head. He was sure Kyle was watching him closely. This was another moment of truth then.?

Kyle moved next to his dad, when he came over and sat down on the couch. John may have liked a little more distance... Kyle wanted more closeness.

In fact, Kyle thought he had worked it out and had come up with a solution.

*

John sighed... and closed his eyes momentarily.

Kyle shuffled even closer and turned to have his head in his dad's lap.

It was only natural that John's hand should find his son's head and hair to play with in that absentminded way we do, when all kinds of other thoughts and feelings are tumbling around in us. Kyle's long blond hair was easy to play with. He was an easy boy to like... to love.! John was not sure where to begin...

'I think there is a difference', John sounded unsure, even to Kyle. ' I like David and yes, I loved having sex with him...' there, John exhaled. He had said it. The memories of those stolen hours with David made his cock grow. He didn't even try to suppress it, knowing that this room suddenly had become the hidden place again, where David and him would rush off to, to celebrate... what..?

David was so intensely sexual, when he let himself go. John was intoxicated by this being... this boy.! This sexual boy.! It was of course also the forbidden nature of the sex and the simple physical impossibilities that were easily overcome.!

All forbidden sex was highly desirable to John. It was the kick he needed to really feel alive in a way he did not completely understand. Laura had no taste for it... this borderline sex, this deviousness, this exhilarating conquest of circumstances and opportunities. It was a drug.! John knew he was addicted. And at this moment, his addiction was being fed by his oh so luscious son, smelling a little bit of sleep still and half-undressed already.!

John shook his head... there it was... half undressed.!

Kyle was more than dressed for a casual morning after waking up in his own house... in the safety of his home and the comfort of his family.! But he, John was thinking of him being... half dressed. Meaning only a small, slight adjustment and he would be un- dressed.!

Kyle shuffled for a more comfortable position on his back... well not only. He also made sure his PJ top moved up and over his stomach a little, leaving a band of exposed skin. He liked his dad playing with his hair, it made him feel soft, small... good in that fuzzy warm feeling of belonging.

For a few moments, Kyle thought about curling up in his fathers lap and forgetting about the whole thing. But he also knew that it would not work that way. He was not able to make himself small and younger any longer. So it had to be the other way.

' I think you love him, Dad.!' Kyle was determined 'because you did it a lot with him... and the other time, you called him son...'

John cringed. Yes, yes... it had slipped out. It had been part of their games, David and John's. Because in a way it was all a game. David was a good partner to John. He wanted the lust part as much as John did. Yes... he was a boy, but one that knew what he wanted. David also usually got what he wanted.!

'Did you want David to be your son..?' Kyle was driving the knife deeper.

Now John groaned... but the words did not come to him.

'Did you make a mistake with me, Dad.? When you and mom picked me.?'

No more erection... but some tears forming in John's eyes.

'Kyle...' he was choked up ' Kyle, I made NO mistake, I have always wanted you.!'

Kyle was quiet... but he pulled his fathers hand to his belly. A big mans hand on his soft warm skin.

' Show me...'

*

In Kyle's mind it was all becoming very simple. He realized that people wanted other people. Wanted them to have sex with. He wanted David in a different way, but somehow it had ended up there. Men and women wanted each other, because of the sex... he had seen countless movies where that was the case. Sometime it was men wanting men... but not very often. But if everybody wanted everybody else for sex and that made them love each other... than he wanted it as well.!

Because he wanted love.

Simple. Love was not enough it seemed. David had gone to his Dad for sex. And to the coach... when Kyle made the connection for him. His mom stayed with his dad... well likely because of sex as well. It was at the bottom of all the relationships around him. Well, not all... but most.!

So... if everybody gets what they want, if they have sex... well, HE was going to get his Dad back.!

He was not sure about his mom... girls were still a mystery in most ways.

But he was prepared to learn. He was prepared to do a lot of things to get that thing... that love thing. He had mixed it up before... but now he knew. It was sex.!

Love was just sort of floating around it... in the centre was sex.! Easy.!

He knew just a little about that.

*

Kyle moved his fathers hand off his head and down to the strip of soft, smooth boy skin just above his PJ pants.

His father did not resist.

The big hand rested on his lower belly very softly. It was warm against his warm skin. It felt like it was not different to his skin. Like in a way it belonged to him already.

Kyle waited.

John suffered the exquisite pain of desire.

Slowly... softly, the fingers spread and closed. Very gently, the fingers rubbed and kneaded the skin between them.

Kyle smiled. It felt good. It also felt like he had won this game.

John lost. Lost himself in the softness beneath his hand... between his fingers. Under his eyes. His son was ... soft.! But more than that. He was what, ... offering himself.? Or was it his addiction speaking again.?!

*

Kyle moved the big hand to his belly... and inside it felt like something spilled over.

Flowing slowly, softly down his back... raising shivers and the soft small hairs, barely visible on his arms and legs. He felt like he needed to move. Wiggle, twitch... something...anything.! But his body was made of heavy things... he could not move. Just watch as his fathers hand caressed his belly.

Was this what he was missing.?

Was this what David was looking for.?

Was this what he was looking for.?

He sucked in his breath... making an involuntary indentation in his middle, giving his father access to more flesh.! Warm flesh.

Fingers sliding under the waistband of his PJ pants. Fingers moving slowly. Circling. Folding his skin. All of it and more.

Kyle was scared. Was breathing more rapidly. Was feeling uncomfortable, but also like he never wanted to move again. Something was 'becoming'... he did not know how to say it, feel it any other way. But it was.! Could it go on.? Could it be... more.? Better.?

Kyle breathed heavily... moving his belly up and own. His fathers hand moved with it... but also more deliberately down under the elastic of his pants. He liked it. This play of fingers and skin. Like he was soothed, cuddled, cared for... loved.!?

He wished his dad would speak...so the commentary in his head would stop.! He felt so small, so soft, so lost.! This was all someplace else... somewhere outside of everything, some other place not yet found.

Somehow, his plan was working... but all going wrong.! Because he could not even say it was his plan any longer. It seemed to just be a a plan somebody had, that wanted to make him feel good.

And feeling good made him loose the way back to his plan.! Or was it the plan all along.!?

Doing these things with David had been... well almost a kind of sport. An exhilarating rush towards some goal they almost never knew, until they tumbled over the goal-line. Laughing, panting... glowing full of life.

But this... this was way too slow, too quiet... too deliberate in a way. It was ...different in a way he could just anticipate, but not like he knew if he was right in the end. It required Kyle to let go.

Yes, it required it... no question. He was NOT in control... nor did he really want to be. He wanted to be just how he was, where he was... with his dad.! This was in fact the whole purpose of the plan... so... so Kyle sighed and pushed himself closer... opening his legs wide.

It was going to work out, Kyle was sure. No David to interrupt with smart-ass remarks or 'helpful' suggestions. Just him and his dad... and his dad's hands inside of his PJ pants, stroking, kneading and making him feel so very nice.

The first time his dad's fingers brushed along his winkled drawn up ball-sack he shivered and sighed... pulling away, only to push back down.

He reached up, behind him... reaching around his father's head and clasping his hands firmly in his dad's neck. Pulling him down to his face...

'Take them off, Dad... please.!' Kyle kissed his fathers lips after he breathed that wish. He wanted his father's hands on his so achingly stiff cock. Wanted his dad to hold it in his big hand... this, his small penis.!

*

John went past his inner voice telling him he was making a BIG mistake.!

This was just to deliriously tabu. Was what he had fantasized about for a long time. It was so deviant on all levels that it was making him literally throb with excitement. He felt alive... actually, he felt ALIVE.! His hands stroked forbidden flesh. Oh so soft, so smooth... so young.! He made his son shiver with his fingernails on the wrinkled skin of the small pouch that held his un-developed testes. John moaned as he felt them. Examining the birds-egg sized orbs with his large fingers. Kyle moaned as well. John let his fingers graze up along the stiff penis of his son.

Pinching his glans softly as he traced the short size of the hard projectile. Out of Kyle's PJ pants, only to grasp them and swiftly de-pants his son.

He was gorgeous.! Kyle had flung off his PJ top. stretched along the sofa... head still in his fathers lap and arms arced overhead around John's neck... he was lean and taunt. All luscious flesh from skinny arms to stretched toes. All his.!

'I love you, Kyle...' John's voice was heavy with desire. 'I will love you..'

Kyle smiled up at him...' I love you too Dad... please love me..!'

A lot of love words... but for that moment it seemed that it was all that was needed, to unlock the chains and let both of them free. Free from memories it seemed.

This was all about John and Kyle.

Short breaths, breathless panting... sweat shimmering on a young boys belly. Heat reflected in a mans eyes... fingers, tongues and smell.!

John was intoxicated, he felt blissfully alive.!

He had long since lost his shirt and pants... was kneeling in front of the sofa on which his 11 year old son was hunched against the back, legs drawn up and splayed... his sex in his father's face.!

The father that was kneading his buttocks, licking the inside of his thighs and slowly... much too slowly kissed his way up his straining cock to the tip... where, with a wailing Kyle, his father's lips slurped in the small purple glans.

Kyle hunched up and back down... wanting to keep that big finger in his bum-hole and at the same time trying to get more of his cock into his dad's mouth. It hurt a little in his bum... but all those other feelings were sooo good.!

He had cum already once, but Kyle wanted more. He wanted to be eaten up completely by his father... by his love. All the pain of the last few weeks was drifting away and he wanted for this to continue, at all costs.! Not that he knew about what the costs could be... but that line from all the stuff on TV was in Kyle's head.

Holding his father's thick cock in his still young boy hands, Kyle was awed in a way that made all this even more exciting. Lining it up alongside his own smaller one... grasping both in both of his hands and his father thrusting into him... he was sure it was better than a roller-coaster ride. Better than winning at Hockey.!

Even though the sweating and grunting was almost the same... Kyle giggled.

His father exploded all over his hands and belly... moaning and grunting.! It was dirty, smelly, sweaty sex... intoxicating for both man and boy.!

Kyle was sure, his plan worked out... John was sure that he was finally getting what he had been starving for...

Crunched up into a ball... his feet around his father's neck, his back pressed into the seat and back of the sofa, his father hunched over him... Kyle knew that somehow this pain was going to get worse before it got better..if it ever did.

'It hurts Dad's..' he whined... although he did not want to.! But it did... like the bitch, it hurt... !

His dad's large cock was pushing at his entrance muscle in his bum... and it hurt.! But his dad kept on pushing the oil-slick hard, big cock against his reluctant muscle. John was determined... almost oblivious to his son's pain.

Almost... Kyle's wiggling under him, trying to get away and his wailing stopped him in the end.

He had succeeded in punching the head of his cock into Kyle's hole... but it was too much, too fast... too painful for the boy. Even in the haze of desire and lust, John heard the exclamation of the pain he was forcing onto his son.!

It excited him, ...but at the same time... this was his son and raping him was still ...not ok.!

He pushed his large cock beside the small shrivelled up diminutive organ of his boy... and humped up against him. Kyle was sighing and crying a bit... and shivered in exhaustion it seemed.

John liked this giving up part in the boy. He did not like to admit that he enjoyed to dominate those smaller and weaker than him... and his real life, wife and work did not reflect that, but he did.!

He fucked his son by pushing Kyle's hands against their cocks and thrusting into the space between smooth belly and fingers... caressed by a small cock being pummelled by a much larger one.

Kyle wrapped his legs and arms around his father, happy for the loss of the pain and for the excitement he was giving him.

His father was loving him..........................................

*

The sudden light in the almost dark room was a shock to Kyle.

Even more so was his mother's voice...

' Stop, John.! Stop now.!'

She was talking to his father... in a voice that sounded hard and cold, but not hysterical.

'This has gone way too far... it is over NOW.!'

They were both stunned for a moment. His father had just sprayed his hot, wet love all over his belly and legs... and now, THIS.!

Kyle felt the earth opening up beneath him... he was teetering next to the abyss.

But he did not fall in.

He felt his mother's eyes on him... but he kept his eyes shut. He knew, it was all over.

His plan had failed. He failed. He was going to fail and loose again.

All was going grey inside of him.

He was ashamed.

Alone.

Hurt.

Dirty.

Scared.

-11-

It was morning. It was quiet. It was somewhere far away from home. It was the day...

Kyle awoke slowly. The dream had been another one in a succession of remembrances of things past. Not that he had read Proust's account of his childhood very thoroughly... he hardly knew about it at all. But it was befitting that he had dreamt all this, Kyle thought. As disturbing as it all was, it was also right. No more looking away.

He stretched and rolled over to check his phone for the time. It was early. David was asleep in the other bed. The light behind the closed curtain was bright already, but here inside their room it was doused by said curtain and so it was a comfortable semi-darkness that was kind on the eyes. The day was still soft and slow... the usual rushing around from one place to the other had not started yet. So it was ok to just lay here and semi-dream.

Kyle chuckled at the memory of it all... one third of his lifetime ago. How his parents had got it all wrong. How everybody just wanted to be 'alright' and so... nobody was.! Including him. Very much him. Definitely him.! But one third of his life-time ago, something else had happened... and that was very much attached to that old man in the hills.

All this conspiracy the adults in his world concocted in their minds.! It was all so simple. It was all so sad.

One little boy trying to keep his friend. His family. His love.!

Not that he understood much about it then... or now, for that matter, but Kyle was going up the mountain to gain some... some... a little bit of understanding maybe. There was a person up there that knew something about him. More so than all the others in this regard.! And this time, he was going to ask him...

*

He did not bother waking up David... who looked lost to the world, hugging his pillow. Left a note on the table for him and wandered down to the breakfast area. He had his bag with him... a small well used daypack... a bit more like a mountaineering pack actually. It was 6 years old... almost. It was a gift. One of many, it turned out, from that old man up in the hills that were just a little more than an hour away from here.

Kyle took his time, ate a croissant and then another one. Jam and some yoghurt. He was early... and even with walking to the bus-station, it would still be time enough. He did not want to be there that early. Surely there were not soooo... many people travelling on this regional track. It was good to have checked out the bus thing the day they had arrived, since they walked right passed the bus-terminal that afternoon. It was all going well... Kyle smiled a little to himself, it was going all too well in a way. It seemed like he was gliding along a track that led right up into those mountains.

There were times, when Kyle felt as if he was observing himself from somewhere outside of his body... yeah, it was weird, but that is, what it felt like. Apart from the dreams and other feelings that were still in the 'to be decided on later' box, this was another thing that was happening to him. Yes, he was observant of his surroundings, always had been... but this was more. A kind of observance of the whole... meaning with him in it.! He was not sure anybody would understand, but that was what it felt like. Watching himself and the place and people around him... as he was walking down the stairs and narrow walkways of the old city, below the Palace/University.

It was a good place, a good walk... a good time to be going, Kyle thought. Morning, but already warm and busy with people. It was a comfort in a way, to be walking among people, not to be alone...not to be ......... alone with him....... or himself.? Kyle shifted his pack to his other shoulder.

This was not going to work if he was not truthful with himself at least... so yes, there was a part of him that was afraid. Deeply afraid. But it was not with who and what Alan was to him or others... no it was what all this meant for him.! Of what HE felt inside of himself.!

The shadow of the old Arc de Almedina gate passed over him and made it cool for a moment... allowing Kyle to let the shiver that passed, be put down to the switch in temperature. But inside he knew different. Kyle walked faster. Not to gain time, but because he needed to move. Almost as if a physical motion could propel a mental one. But there was more. More fuel, if you want... there was fear, yes... and her sister: anger.! Kyle could taste it in his mouth. That slightly bitter, but sweet taste like British Orange Marmalade.! It was an old taste...and old anger. But it was still there...here.! He felt it, like so many times before, many years ago. THAT anger. That 'impossible to do anything about' anger. The defeated, succumbed anger. Circumstantial and primal at the same time. It was very much there that year... almost 6 years ago. Even after leaving here.! Kyle looked around. Yes, he was back. Back here...in this place, well... country anyhow. The language, the people,the smell and the light.! The sun.! It had been a time full of anger. And fear.! And changes. And fear. And anger. And loneliness.! Most of all sudden loneliness.

Kyle trotted down the shopping street towards the plaza by the old Hotel Astoria. It had been truly fucked-up.! Totally.! He was not like that any longer, but here... now he was tasting the desperation again. Was angry again. Was full of fear.

And lonely.

David was far away sleeping in the Hostel. He was alone. He was about to go back to a place that was far away from anywhere. From anyone...

STOP.! Kyle actually stopped in the middle of the street. He was NOT 12 years old.! He was not a little boy any longer. Actually, he had stopped being a little boy somewhere close to here.! Had found himself again after a lot of hurt and pain.

With the help of someone he had hardly known.! NOT his parents... or friends. NO, some old guy that he knew to call Uncle, but knew also not to be really related or even that close. He was somehow important, but in a rather undefined, obscure way that held no significance to little boys. He was nice enough and friendly, but really... an old guy, talking about nothing important and not even trying to play vid-games with him.!

Kyle snorted... almost laughing, in the middle of the street. Yeah,...it was pretty clear that guy was very 'un-cool'... and then...!? Kyle did not remember how it actually happened, but somehow in-between a lot of serious grown-up talk that stopped when he was around, his mom and dad faded into the background in a way... and Uncle Alan was there.

More visible, more present... more observant. Everybody was running for the corners somehow. Except Uncle Alan. He seemed to be closer. Almost in the way of Kyle hiding away somewhere. It was as if he made it clear that he was there... available for Kyle. If Kyle wanted... what.? He wanted... not to be alone, David to be back, everything to be back the way it was before... before it all fell apart. Before he had lost everybody he loved.

Kyle once again followed his mind back to when he was a lot younger...

*

It was not the sex... no, it was the love.! Kyle felt it inside of him, and through his skin.

The hairs on Alan's legs, as he slipped his smooth boy-leg between them. The smell of the old man... his man.! A not un-pleasant, intoxicating mix of age and intention. Of sex in a way. Kyle's small fingers toyed with the hairs on Alan's chest before circling the mans nipples and pinching them. Yes, he had learned a lot these last weeks... a lot about what his man liked. About what he liked. About what was possible between a man and a boy. About sex. Above all... and he was just starting to figure it out... about love.

Loving himself as well. Kyle squeezed closer against Alan's body. Laying on top of him, rubbing all of his soft skin against the harder skin of the old man. Wrinkles, small fat rolls... hair everywhere.! Kyle felt good, felt more than good in a way. They fit together. Kyle's thighs straddling Alan's, he hunched his hard cock against Alan's. Slowly. Deliberately.

Sliding it along the longer, thicker penis of his man. Him, the boy, on top.! Pressing into each stroke with his steely boy-cock. Fucking against the skin and the small hairs with the underside of his exposed cock-head... sending shivers of bliss through him. Kyle wanted to speed up... and slow down, all at the same time.

Alan's hands were stroking his back and bum. Occasionally travelling between his cheeks or up the inside of his legs. Scratching softly in the hollow above his bum... just higher than the valley of this clenching soft cheeks hiding his hole. Kyle twitched involuntarily when Alan's fingers brushed across it. Pressing harder against the man's cock. Softly moaning.!

Kyle was making sex. Was making love. Was making bliss.!

This was not like it was ... well had been, with David. It was something else, he knew that... but exactly what, was behind a curtain of wishes and wants, lust and love, desire and despair... all rolled into one.!

The old man's hand had found it's way between their bodies and grasped both cocks in it's tight, hard embrace.

Kyle hissed... he moaned.

Making sounds of pleasure or despair was ok here... why was it.? What was it.?

Kyle wanted not to think about it and hunched hard into Alan's hand and against Alan's cock.

Kyle wanted to forget again.

All of it, except this tiny slice of reality, where soft young skin met old marked skin. Where hardness was a measure of bliss not easily replaced. Where all ones insides turned around at times. Almost making Kyle sick...before the emptiness was replaced by pleasure.

He banged his head against the old man's chest... repeatedly.!

'I love you..' Kyle stammered, not giving up the rhythm of the bliss building in the heat between them.

'No you don't, my boy... at least not the way you mean it.' Alan was breathing harder as well. 'You love what we do...right here, right now.! You love the feeling of climbing the mountain, just to fall off it.!'

'I hate you..' Kyle hissed.!

'No you don't, my boy... you hate that it was not like this and will not be like this for some time. You hate me letting you go. After you have cum so many times.!' Alan chuckled in-between gasps...' cum for me, my boy.! Show your man... show yourself that you can.!'

Kyle dripped sweat. Dripped in love and hate. Dripped in lust and desire... some of it for this .. his man.! Because he not only had a grip around his cock... but also around his heart it seemed.

This old man KNEW things... Kyle hated him for it and wanted to be closer at the same time. Wanted to surrender to him almost completely. Loved him.

That was the difference all along. Alan knew things.

About Kyle. About David. About his mother and his father. About the world. About boys.!

Right now he wanted Alan's knowledge about boys. About sex. About sex with boys. Because he wanted to cum... badly so.! But somehow Alan's fingers prevented it. A little too tight sometimes, too loose at others. Never letting him gain the rhythm that would get him THERE.!

He bit Alan's neck. The old man moaned.

His hands stroked and caressed. Kept all those nice feelings tingling just beyond the reach of Kyle's orgasm.

Damn it, he wanted to cum... badly so. This was after all Kyle... he was himself more than for what seemed like a long time... and he wanted.!

He desired.! Panted, moaned and wailed.

Alan's thumb was playing around his knob... driving him crazy. Right there...right there, just below the ridge on the underside...

...oh so good.!

Kyle was kissing Alan.

Mashing his lips against the man's.

It did not matter any longer.!

WHAT did not matter any longer... Kyle stumbled over those words in his mind.?

The past.

Somehow...the past, all those terrible thing that had happened seemingly overnight, they did not matter anymore. Or at least right now they did not matter... and that was a start.! Kyle knew somewhere deep inside that maybe they would still... matter.But in a different way.

NOT in the dark, desperate... lost way.!

Kyle was loosing himself in the feelings... why was it so good.?! So good.! The old man's hands all over his back, his hard cock against his own... hunching. Stabbing into bliss.!

It was always a little like wanting to hurt... wanting to feel pain, or maybe just more of it, because it was a sort of pain already, that was building to explosion in Kyle's body. A pain that was full of memories. Of things and words and places.!

But somehow, here in Alan's arms, he saw them from further away. And they sorted themselves into new patterns.

Became joy instead of fear and feeling like it all was melting together like it maybe should..?

He trembled with the waves of heaving orgasm that moved his hips in erratic stabs, made his breath stumble and muscles knot and relax in their own rhythm as he was falling over the edge of bliss... flying in the memory of having been an angel, like we all do in that exalted moment.

This 'little death' had indeed killed someone...

The Kyle that was laying, panting in the old man's arms was the new Kyle... he felt it deep inside. Not that would have been able to describe it exactly, but he knew..!

*

Kyle waited.

He was early. The bus was not here yet... still more than 30 minutes before the scheduled departure time. So he waited. Leaning against the dirty glass that separated the waiting area/corridor from the large industrial hall where the busses would glide into numbered spaces, facing the glassed off passengers. There were not so many others waiting. Some surely were off to Lisbon or Porto... and him, going up the valley into the mountains. It had all been there in his mind. All so present, so real, he had to cover his erection with his daypack. It was still there, all of it.! He had not forgotten many things... even if he had tried to, had hoped to, at times. No, it was there. He had even gotten closer to it in the last year. It... well, him... all of it. All those days and weeks that summer. Not so far from here. Almost around the corner.! Almost there..?!

Al...an.!

Because something happened here. He had changed into someone else a little bit, in those weeks here in the mountains. The boy that he was when he arrived... was not the boy that left. Sitting in the airplane for all those hours alone, sad and even crying a little... but no longer lost.

The bus finally arrived and a couple of people got off... about the same number got on. Kyle found a place, after all it was practically empty and looked out the window as it pulled into the street and past all those traffic circles on the road that led around the city to the river-valley they were going to follow up into the mountains.

It was in fact the same river that he had played in with Nuno... who was going to pick him up from the bus-station at the other end. Nuno, who had much to do with all of it in the end. They had not kept in touch somehow... but social networks kept them a little informed about the other. It had not been hard to pick up the thread again. In the weeks before Kyle and David had left for this adventure, there had been long chats between Kyle and Nuno.

Some important things did not get talked about, but all was well and Kyle was as excited to see Nuno, as he knew Nuno was to see him again.

They had NOT talked about Alan. At least not directly.

-12-

That year... he was almost 12, had started just like the years before. And then it had changed, everything... including him.!

It had been a year of secrets, secrets lost and found.! He could not deny that... it changed him. He grew into the adolescent he had become, when arriving home. It needed the pain of leaving things, seeing things as they were... but also it needed love. And with that Kyle was back at thinking about Alan. There were so many secrets that year... and the one that somehow made it ok was another secret...

Alan... 'UNCLE Alan'..! Just who was he.? Kyle still did not exactly know. Did not know so much about the old man... except that he had loved him. NO, that was wrong.! There was a place inside of himself, where a small part of that love was still very much alive. Maybe for sentimental reasons, or for reasons unknown... but it was. He could feel it now. Watching the landscape pass by outside of the bus window.

He was someone not really part of the family... but important in some way, never explained to him. Was suddenly at the dinner-table or on the deck on summer afternoons, when Dad made burgers and his mom drank red wine spritzers. He was never sure she liked him or not... but he understood that he was important to her. Was in fact a little like a father to her. Maybe that was it... that was what made it all so weird.! His dad was a bit indifferent towards Uncle Alan, but somehow he was important even to his dad. He somehow made a difference and held a power, Kyle did not understand. Not even now. But now... as supposed to when he was little, he knew there was ... power.! Power to affect change.!

To see and to make changes...even if you, him did not want to. Simply by being there.!

Kyle remembered trying to figure out what and who 'Uncle Alan' actually was, when he suddenly showed up at his house more than ever. There was a conspiracy happening, even as a young boy he felt it. There was talk among the adults, that changed when he was around. But 'Uncle Alan's' eyes were suddenly following him more than before. And there was that feeling, like the one he had with the coach sometimes... or even with his dad. The feeling that they liked him... but maybe even more if he was naked.?! Their eyes sliding down his face and body and back up.

He knew there was something more.

Kyle chuckled to himself, in that almost empty bus, winding it's way into the interior, up into the hills, stopping in every 2 goat town it seemed. It would take a long time to get where he was going this way... but Kyle did not mind. He was still trying to figure out this 'Uncle Alan' thing.

It was clear that his mom and dad approved of him in a way. But in a strange way. Like he was important, but only in a special way. His dad was intelligent, his mother smart...Kyle knew this, even at 11. Alan, well... he knew things.! Maybe not as intelligent as his dad, maybe not as smart as his mom... but knowing so much more.! Kyle smiled to himself, almost laughed, in the uncomfortable seat of that regional bus.

For a while he had thought of him as a wizard... and in a way it was true.!

Alan was a kind of wizard... or at least had some knowledge that escaped normal folks. That was why he was on this god-forsaken bus, moving form village to village up into the hills.

He KNEW.!

He was.......

Kyle could not find the appropriate word for all that was rushing towards him, in his mind. He was an old man in these hills. A monk. A wizard ... in a way. Because he had released Kyle from spells that were binding him...that summer. Had woven spells of his own... of delight and lust and ecstasy and relief.! Most of all relief.! But in a way of orgasmic delight.!

This was all not going anywhere.! Kyle snorted at himself.

YES...damn it.! Yes... he had wanted to figure it out... all those years ago. Wanted to know what, who 'Uncle Alan' really was.! He had NOT wanted to be found out himself.! NOT wanted to be figured out.! Who was doing what to and with whom.?

Kyle remembered the night at his house... when Alan invited him into the hot-tub. It was dark, it was late... and it was exciting. But in a way he had not felt before. Not with David. Not with his dad. This was more... was about leaving a place he knew to be safe. Was about giving himself up... and over to the old man waiting in the darkness for him. Oh, Kyle knew it was safe in the way his parents thought about things. Stranger Danger was stupid... he knew different. It was never the stranger that was the danger.! Not in his life.

No, this was him, Kyle knowingly stepping into the darkness... into something he was not controlling. And yes, he knew he was in fact controlling much of what had been going on... not that it turned out in the way he wanted to, but the set-up, the script of what was to happen, that was his, ever since David had betrayed him...!

And that, Kyle knew, lay at the bottom of it all.

Betrayal. By David... not in a deliberate way, but in the selfish way boys act sometimes. David looking for what HE needed, wanted and longed for. Not really thinking that anything would change between Kyle and him. Because... Kyle took a deep breath, it was different for David. In fact, David was different.!

David loved what they did... Kyle did, because he loved... David. And again his dad.

And what about Alan..?

*

There was anger, disappointment and sadness. Deep sense of failure about all the lost schemes. Loneliness and the feeling of being lost in a world that all of a sudden had changed so much, he did not know what to do. He did not know where he belonged any more. Except that suddenly someone wanted him, or so it felt to Kyle. Someone almost seemed to be standing in his way, waiting for him to come to him. Someone his mother had called..? Kyle was not sure about that, but he knew that inside of the little boy he was those years ago, he wanted to be found. Wanted to belong.!

And even more... it seemed that this someone, Alan... 'Uncle Alan'... wanted him.!

*

Kyle looked out the window of the bus, watching the landscape glide by, every curve opening up another view. The lush greens of the valley with the small hillside town in white with red tile roofs. It looked peaceful. Old. Permanent.

Yes, it had actually been like sliding into home base, getting close to Alan. No, he was not his parents... but that was also the reason it worked. NO, Kyle actually shook his head... it did not only 'work, it 'worked out'.! He was uncertain. Was frightened, but excited. Was sad inside, but ever less so. Was angry... but was learning to 'let it go'. It was all different than he had thought... or had it.?

Kyle was not sure what he had actually expected, almost 6 years ago. He did know what he got... but was that what he had wanted, expected... hoped for.? Not in the way it happened maybe... but YES.! It was.! He needed to belong to someone. He needed to be away. He needed to be alone with someone that loved him completely. He needed to give up and give in... forget that he was trying to be the one making the rules. Re-boot.!

Most of all, he needed someones love... arms around him, body close, face to face.! The fact was, his parents could not... should not, really.! He needed something closer, more intimate and more strong. Maybe even more hard. Kyle chuckled at the un-intended joke.

But it was part of it in a way... this giving in, giving up the control... letting it go, and earning bliss for it. All these intense feelings. All the feeling of being lost in the middle of space, but held close in his arms... no, not HIS arms...: Alan's arms.

He had been angry with Alan, when he left him at the airport all those years ago, but when he got to the other side of the Atlantic... rushing into his mother's arms, he knew it was right. It was what needed to happen. He needed to be with his mother... with his father. Even his bratty sister. It was his home, his life , his place..! His mother did not understand. But she was smart enough to know that he was different. Was older. Had lost more than his long hair. Was more himself and for the most part 'all-right'.! The week away with just his mom and sister had been good.! Happy times. A little more grown-up times... in some strange ways. As if his mother was seeing him as older as well, as more... well able. Able to talk, to do, to know... to understand.!

They worked it out, during those days in the resort. What to do and what not. How to do and how not. When and how and how come. He understood his mother. Maybe even for the first time... at least on this close personal basis. It was obvious that she knew what had happened between Alan and him... so there was no need to explain. There was no need to talk about Nuno with her either. And after those days, it was good and clear and he was ready to be at home again. Be with his father again. Be close and hold on to his father again.

He did not 'belong' to his father. Or his mother, in a different way. He was himself and could love them all. Belonging was something that he kept for himself. Only one person had that right to him... and that person was very far away.

Besides, that man, Alan... he had given him back to himself.!

Kyle remembered that night on the side of that mountain. Camping in the wild. Making love and making it suddenly make sense. All this belonging to that old man was just a way to get back to himself.! Away from the sadness, the fear, the loneliness and the desperation.! He understood now, that he needed to give himself up... in order to become the boy/man he was now.

He had dreamed of being with Alan at first... after that summer. Sometimes lust-filled dreams, sometimes dreams where he woke with tears in his eyes. Sometimes anger and fight. Sometimes loneliness in his mind... but when he listened to his heart, he was not. Sounds sappy and stupid in a way, Kyle thought, but it was true. Sometimes he could feel the old man talking inside of himself.

New school, new friends... finding David again. New adventures and new love............ well, NO.!Kyle was careful. No love. Loving, yes. Lust, yes. But no love. It was easier that way. Less painful. Liking went a long way, if you were handsome and full of spunk.

Life goes on and on and all the new and exciting things slowly covered up what had been before. Normal this is... the present builds on the past and it sinks deeper into the distance. They were pretty good years, Kyle thought to himself. Seemed smooth and round somehow, without so many edges. Adolescence was not so hard on him. It was simply right. His body followed, where his mind had already started to go.

He even enjoyed being in the Scouts. It was something that brought the closeness back, between him and his dad...almost. It also gave him the opportunity to become the natural leader, he was inside. Except for the silly uniforms, Kyle liked everything about it... even the ranking through achievement. Most of all, he liked the space it gave him to be a boy, in the company of boys. And as he got older, this got some new meaning... feeling... and worry.! At sixteen, Kyle could not deny the truth to himself any longer. Boys... meaning younger than him... were doing things to his emotions and body.! Not only did he like them... he desired them.

His girl-friends more often than not, wore the face of some cute Scout in his troop, when they had sex. Great passion... just not for the girl underneath him.! Oh, it all worked out somehow. The girls loved him.! He loved the film in his head.! Hormones did the rest.!

*

Kyle recognized the mountain in the distance. No trees and rocky top. Higher than the ones around, reaching into the sky. Almost there... his nervousness returned, mixed with excitement. Another 15-20 minutes and he would see Nuno, hopefully, waiting at the bus-stop. And then, well then he had to call Alan.! Kyle breathed out. He wanted to, he needed to.!

The last year had been hard. Little Scouts worshiping the bigger ones and wanting to be around them was normal. It somehow belonged to the whole scene. But this one in particular, Kyle knew it almost instantly, he was not only wanting to be close to Kyle all the time, no it was clear the little boy adored and loved Kyle. And Kyle... got frightened, because he liked it and somehow that little boy ended up naked and close, at night, in Kyle's masturbatory phantasies.! So Kyle did the natural... horrible and rejected the little boys love for him and drove him away with being unfriendly and cold. All because he was too frightened to be around the boy.

It worked. The little boy never came back after the summer.! By which time Kyle of course felt terrible about that as well. He suddenly started to dream about David... well David and him, when they were little. And Nuno.! And his dad.! And ... Alan.!

He found Nuno again. They communicated via the Internet. Kyle was surprised by the open and happy welcome he got from Nuno. David of course was still his friend and they chatted often. His dad... well, that was settled a long time ago...no.? Somehow it actually was. They were ok. Had an understanding... even respect for each other. They were close. Nobody except them, saw the glass-barrier between them. But that was ok too.

That left Alan...

... and him.!

*

Because of Mike.

Mike... a thunderbolt of little boy, that appeared at Scouts in the spring and stormed into Kyle's heart.! A whirlwind that took open arms for granted and opened hearts with smiles and puppy-dog eyes. His affection could not be stopped and when he zeroed in on Kyle's heart, he toppled all the thin walls around it with his demanding first kiss when alone in a dark tent.

NOT loving Mike was not an option. He possessed you in a way... or he did Kyle anyhow. The troop accepted that he was Kyle's shadow. It happened. But for Kyle and for Mike, there was more.! There was... yes, damn it, there was love. And it came with all it's desires and lust that make it such a powerful feeling that tramples on reason and laughs at caution.

Kyle made a mistake... well, right now it felt like it, but maybe it was not..?

That first kiss led to more kisses in the dark tent... and to an ecstatically orgasmic little boy when Kyle's mouth did tricks on his small, but very hard dick.! Mike could not get enough... and Kyle could not get away from it fast enough. Yeah... he fucked up, Kyle summarized in the end. He fell in love.

He... an almost man, fell in love with a little boy.! That made him... what..? A monster.?

The most hated and hunted human being in the developed world.? Kyle shut all that out. Pulled the brake and stopped thinking about it. But he had to. HAD TO.! So the only chance to sort this out, he could see, was going back... back to when HE was a loved boy.! And that meant going into the mountains and facing the monster, the dragon.! Kyle chuckled again... he knew a secret. This monster loved him, this dragon did not need slaying.!

Maybe he was a monster too... so it was only right, he sought the company and counsel of those of his own kind.! And no... his father would NOT do.! His father may have been a monster... but he was NO dragon.! There was a difference.!

*

The bus pulled into the town where Nuno and his grandmother lived. Kyle recognized it at once. A minute or so and he would be back. Back where it had somehow started... no, not his life, not the pain... no, the healing.! So as the bus pulled up to the stop, Kyle's last thought on monsters and dragons was... that there was a big difference and that it may still be all-right in the end, if he could listen to that old man in the hills again... that old dragon.! To learn a few more things.

Mainly about love. In specific about the love between a man and a boy.!

*

The bus stopped almost across from the cafe on the main street with that long complicated name. Kyle looked around, after getting off and slinging his daypack over his shoulder. Yeah, the butterflies were still in his stomach... but somehow they burst out of him in a cloud of silent beauty, as he heard his name being called.! Nuno.! Yes... not a small boy, although Kyle had pictures rushing around in his head of that little boy, no... a nice looking teenager walked towards him from the cafe. Sunshine, warmth... the smell of the Oleander bushes from behind the low wall of the house he stood in front of and... Nuno folding him into his arms. Yeah, damn it, he almost cried. Instead, he held on to Nuno and laughed... emotions going in all directions at once.

Up until now... the moment he stepped off the bus and Nuno was there, it was all construct. Was all plans and imagination somehow. Not real... well, not this anyhow, the people from that summer a long time ago. Suddenly it was real. Nuno was real, chatting away to him... walking him in the direction of his grandmother's, Louise's house. Kyle ran a bit on automatic. There was so much he now had to... what.? Well... remember, for one... and...?

Kyle almost wanted to hold Nuno's hand. That smiling young guy next to him. That close and happy guy. The older boy... but still the boy he had loved deeply for a few weeks all those years ago. Nuno was still the excitable boy underneath... Kyle could sense Nuno almost wanting to run towards home. Wanting him to run with him... like they had done when they were small. It twitched in Kyle's legs... and he let the rush inside take him. Pushing Nuno... he ran... ran with a laughing Nuno beside him up the small incline towards the house on the side of the hill. Through the gate, up the drive, a little winded and hot, shiny eyes and a smile that did not want to go away, they slowed at the steps to the door.

' About time you got here, little man' Louise was standing in the door.

' Time for lunch, wash up boys.!'... she turned and walked into the house... but not before Kyle had seen the tears in her eyes. He followed her in... Nuno trailing behind. Walked into the kitchen after her... and stood behind her.

'I am here now...' She turned and smacked his arm... before pulling him into her embrace.

' Much too long for all of us... this time that has passed. We have missed you. ALL of us.' She emphasized with a direct look into Kyle's eyes. ' But I can see, it has been good... this time. You are still an angel.'

Kyle blushed.

'Out... play with Nuno and leave this old woman to get on with lunch. I hope you remember how to eat Bacalhau.?!' It was not really a question... any of it.

Kyle let her go as well and smiled. ' YES, to all of it... ' Louise smacked him again.

'Boys... always being smart..!' She had already turned away.

Kyle walked towards the back of the house to the bathroom. It all seemed smaller somehow... except for Nuno, who was still standing at the sink. Nuno was bigger... was not a tall boy, never would be was Kyle's guess, but he was not the horny 10 year old midget he had been, when they last saw each other.

'So... horny midget, ' Kyle snickered. Nuno smiled: ' Well stud, it's your turn to tell all about everything... you came here.!'

They spent the next hour in Nuno's room... catching up on each others life... except, well except............. they did not talk about HIM. They laughed about sneaking across the hall in the buff, to have a late night shower after playing around. Shared likes and dislikes in music, movies, people on TV and such... girls.......! Nuno snorted with laughter ' Really, Kyle... me and girls..? I have FRIENDS that are girls.'

He was looking at Kyle almost expectantly. ' I think it was clear to you what I liked, when you fucked me silly all those times.!'

Kyle was quiet.

' Hey, Kyle... ' Nuno wrapped his arms around him, ' I liked it. I still do.! You were my saviour.! Really Kyle... you don't know how much you did for me that summer... you and.......' Nuno let his voice trail off. ' I loved you, Kyle.'

' And for what you were and did for me... I love you still.!'

*

Of course Louise was right. Kyle did not have to think about it at all. He was here to see Alan. So he did not protest, when she sent him to the phone in the hall, after lunch. It was hard, much harder than he had imagined, to lift the receiver and dial the number. It was tacked up beside the phone... NOT because he was afraid of not being listened to, no... because the little bit of love he would carry for this man a lot of his life, was choking him... as it was filling him up so much, he almost cried.

*

I did not recognize the voice on the telephone- although there was something familiar about it in an obscure way.

` Alan-..` a youngish voice.

It was early summer-

`This is Kyle.!`

Whoosh-. I had to sit down-

`Kyle- my gods.! Have not heard from you for -.` I did the math, but he was quicker

` six years, Alan- I am almost 18 now.`

`Well, well- so what`s up.- How are you.- Where are you.-`

Pause- a long pause.

` I am at Louise`s. Can I come up to see you.-`

I was a bit stunned to be honest.

` Of course you can- Kyle. I will pick you up.`

*

Alan was sitting on the deck outside, when Kyle made it out of bed and after a bathroom break, upstairs.

He was back in that little house in the mountains. He was not lost... never had been, really. Was all himself, with more knowledge than before... they had talked half the night. But more important... he felt he knew who Alan was and why he was important. Kyle was not entirely certain yet, but he was content. Knew his love for and with 'his man' had been right and good. Because that man did love him. Love him enough to let him go. Love him enough to let him find his own love again. He felt as safe here now, as he had then. He had run all the bases and had slid into home. He felt more ready for the next round of the game... his life.!? This old man, 'his man'... was no monster.

And neither was he.!

'Can I get some coffee, Alan.?'

' I am sure you can, Kyle and you may.!' Kyle rolled his eyes, Alan laughed. ' Not too old for that yet, my boy.!'

'Yes, too old...'Kyle embraced the sitting man ' my man.!'

Alan's eyebrows went up a little, smile creeping into his face.

'You are your own man now, Kyle.! Seems you have become one after all and ... is there not a "my boy" waiting for you back home..?' Alan kept smiling up into Kyle's face... hugged back and pushed him away. ' Coffee is in the kitchen.'

Kyle knew he was right. He was a man in many ways... not all the way yet, but quickly getting there. And yes, there was a boy. Mike wanted very much to be "his boy"... that was clear to him. Was HE ready for that.? Coffee was needed in any case.!

He filled up the large cup with a double shot of expresso and milk from the fridge. Added sugar and went out to sit next to Alan.

'You remember maybe that you had a "my boy" here already, Kyle.!' Alan was still smirking. 'Maybe a little different, but Nuno wanted to be and was " YOUR boy"... then.'

'But let me tell you a story...' Kyle chuckled into his coffee,' yeah a story.!' Alan smiled at him.

'No interrupting until I am done' he said.

' Once upon a time'... Kyle all but spewed the coffee out of his nose!

Alan ignored him, 'in a place far, far away, there lived a young prince.

Together with his father, the King... his mother the Queen and his little Princess sister, in a castle in the woods. Next to his land, there was another castle and in that castle lived his best friend.

A prince only a year older than him. They played together all the time and they loved each other very much. They loved each other in their hearts and also with their bodies. Prince Dee loved the body love even more than Prince Kay did. Maybe because he was a year older.?

The King, Prince Kay's father, also loved them. But he loved Prince Dee more with his body then he did Prince Kay. His son, he loved more with his heart... but the desire for his body was there as well. Without telling his friend, Prince Dee got himself the love from the King and others. He needed a lot of love it seemed.

One day Prince Kay found out. He was very sad, that his best friend not only loved him with his body, but others as well... including the King, his father. He felt like he had lost his heart.

But he had lost something else too, he thought... the love of his father, the King.

So he tried to find someone, a Knight, that Prince Dee could make love with, so that he could have his father back. That did not work out...even though he was clever about it and found such a Knight. Because Prince Dee and the King were still loving each other. One day while he watched them make love, he heard a secret, which changed everything.

They called each other 'Father and Son'.!

He knew what he needed to do, but he was afraid. This love was with a man, not his friend, a boy. But he thought he had to, to keep his friend and his father's love. So he forced his friend Prince Dee, to help him. His father was astonished, but he had wanted to love his son for a long time, so the King tried to make love with his body.

The pain was too great.! Prince Kay tried to be brave, but he cried.

At this point the Queen, his mother, stopped the whole thing by coming into the room and telling the King to leave the Princes alone. She had known about Prince Dee, but not about Prince Kay, her son... and she did not want him to have this pain. Prince Kay was very ashamed, for not being brave enough and for being found out by the Queen.

Prince Dee went back to the Knight, but it turned out to be bad. The Knight was very hard with Prince Dee when making bodily love to him, some of which Prince Dee liked, but this time he was hurt. So he had to tell his mother and father because he needed help. They chased the Knight out of town and took Prince Dee to a far away castle of relatives to heal.

Prince Kay was lost and sad. He thought it was all his fault. He had lost his best friend, Prince Dee, his father the King and his mother the Queen. And all the kingdom was talking about the King's bad Knight, who everybody knew was Prince Kay's teacher in sports. The King and the Queen did not know what to do. They were loosing the kingdom and they were loosing their Prince. They were loosing each other.

This was a very tricky situation. So the Queen remembered the help she had once given to an old Dragon.

Some Dragons are close to Princes... that is a secret not many know, I will tell about it at the end of the tale... but they are all good at tricky situations. So she called in the old Dragon and the old favour. She wanted the old Dragon to fly the Prince away to his mountain hideout and make sure he was away long enough for them to fix the Kingdom and for the Dragon to fix the Prince. She did not tell the old Dragon everything that had happened, but made it sound like there was something wrong with the Prince, that needed fixing.'

Alan stopped. Drank some of his peppermint tea and looked at Kyle...' more..?'

Kyle nodded, not trusting his voice. There was a lump in his throat.

' The old Dragon had to obey the Queen, he was bound by his promise. So he took the Prince away with him. Slowly the old Dragon found out all of the story. Also, he found out about the love that the Prince so badly needed. Love of heart and body. Because we all need both to live. It was not so hard to make love of the body with the Prince. He thought he needed so much.

The old Dragon was of the kind that had a love for Princes. This was hard for the Dragon, but good for the boy. They became close in heart and body. But the Dragon's task was to fix the Prince. So the old Dragon had to make sure that the Prince understood that love was good, that he could be loved and he could love...without things going bad. That it was about him and his love for Prince Dee, for the King and for the Queen... even for the old Dragon.

That he was not broken. That there was nothing to fix, other than his head, which had made up a lie. The lie was, that he, Prince Kay was responsible for all the bad things that went on in the Kingdom.

So after all the love he thought he had lost, the love of the old Dragon pointed him back in the right direction... towards himself. He was, after all, a Prince.!

He had not lost anything he thought he had. It was just different. Because he was different. He wanted a love that was not possible to have at that time. But in the end he did find a bit of it even in the mountains... a little Prince from the small Kingdom in the mountains. He learned to give his love to him. He also learned something else... he learned that in time, he would become someone that had a love for Princes that included body and heart.'

Alan paused. ' Two footnotes, I guess... one is that the Kingdom got saved, as well as the Prince.

The second... well, that is the secret about some Dragons... they were Princes once.!'

The silence was comfortable. Kyle was relaxed and close to Alan.

' So... am I a Dragon, Alan..?' Kyle looked at him from the side.

' You will become what you will become. But inside of you there is this love you need to deal with. Some Princes become Dragons, my Prince...' Alan let it trail off.

'All I am saying, I guess, is that it is possible..!'

Kyle thought about it. He did not see himself in a lair in the mountains, but teaching a boy to fly.....hmmm... maybe.!

He turned to Alan...' what now.?'

' Now it is time to pack up, clean up and make it down the mountain, my boy ' Alan said, getting up,' we can NOT be late for Louise' lunch, you know that.!'

They both laughed.

*

Love changes you, whether you want to or not.

Bad love or good love, it always changes you.

Yes, it does.!

TAK

[ If you to write to me, you will get a response... thomasalexander_kind@yahoo.com ]