Yes, I'm pretty sure that was the day when it all started.  Have you ever looked back at your life and wondered where it went?  It's not that my life was a complete waste or anything either.  I mean, I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I was probably the most popular underclassman in our small New York State high school.  I was captain of the Junior Varsity football team, and in the losing Varsity season, we were all our small town had left.

     I did the parties, I made the dating rounds, but for some reason, something inside me felt numb.  It was that hunger and desire inside me that I could never figure out how to feed.  I'm pretty sure other people feel it too, but those people usually end up drowning their sorrows in drugs or alcohol.  I wasn't into that stuff.  When I wanted a release, I would play football.

     Whether it was pouring rain, a bitter winter night, or a hot summer day, I played football with a passion and a will to win that everyone on my team looked to for inspiration.  My coach had told me several times that if it wasn't for me, this team wouldn't be in the running for the State Championship.  He may have believed that, but I gave all of the credit to the amazing players that I was playing with.  There was Anthony, who was practically my co-captain, and Chad, who could catch a meteor if he had to, and of course my best friend Mike, who was right there with me last year trying out for the JV team.

     On the field, they were giants, and off, they were the best friends a guy could have.  As much as I could say about myself and about the team, this isn't really about them.  It's about what happened to me that day in late September and what eventually happened, that incident that was a product of not only my behavior, but rather the sum of all of our behavior.

     I still remember the day like it was yesterday.  The smell in the air told you that the first snow of winter was coming.

     I breathed in deeply and let it out as I pushed as hard as I could.  "Come on, Trevor," Mike encouraged.  "Two more and you've broken your record."  I lowered the bar back down to my chest and closed my eyes tight.  I could do this.

     With all of my strength I pushed the bar back up into the air, only inches from Mike's face.  "One more, one more."  He wanted this more than I did, I thought.  I held it there for a moment as it wavered back and forth.  I wasn't sure I could do one more, regardless of how much encouragement Mike was giving me.  My chest muscles would simply not allow it.

     I began to lower it back to my chest, but my body gave up and the cross bar fell toward me, but Mike caught it just when it was inches from my neck.  He sighed and lifted it back up to the harness as I sat up heaving for breath.  "Maybe next time big guy," he said, wiping his hands off on his towel.

     I looked up at him and grinned.  "Okay big guy," I said mockingly.  "Let's see you try."

     Weightlifting class first thing in the morning sounded like a pretty stupid idea when Mike and I reluctantly signed up last year at the request of our football coach, but things turned out pretty well.  We made every lift a competition, not with each other, but with ourselves.

     "If I do half as many as yesterday," Mike said heaving the bench press bar far over his head, "I'll be very proud of myself."

     "If you do half as many as I just did, then I'll be very proud of you."  Okay, so maybe there was a little competition between us.

     The Gym coach suddenly blew his whistle and sent us all scrambling into the locker room to get ready for our next class.  Mike ran up beside me and gave me a small shove.  "You're going to Nathan's house with us on Friday night after the Varsity game, right?"

     "Haven't decided yet," I replied, walking into the locker room.  I suddenly began to imagine Mike very drunk and stupid.  "But, I'll probably be there," I added, kneeling down in front of my locker.

     After I had showered and changed, I threw my jacket on and stepped outside into the crisp autumn morning.  Mike was right next to me as always, just like he had been since the first year of middle school.  By all accounts, we were completely different.  I had the black hair and he had the light blonde hair.  I was a half a foot taller, but he had about twenty pounds or more on me.  I had known him four long years and we were already making the best of our sophomore year.  It was all but agreed upon that this was going to be the best year for either of us.  Both of us on the town's winning sports team, even if it was just a high school Junior league, meant a lot to a lot of people.

     We walked inside the main hallway of the school and people were instantly greeting Mike and I and wishing us well on the game tonight.  I could tell by the look in Mike's eye that this was what he lived for.  A lot of the guys lived for after and before the game.  I wasn't into that stuff though.  I was all about the game itself.  I would probably play even if it caused everyone to hate me for it.

     I stood in front of my locker and began putting the combination in when suddenly a person jumped on my back and almost sent me toppling over.

     "Ready for the game tonight?" Vanessa whispered in my ear seductively.  Okay, I need to explain something to you.  Vanessa is my girlfriend right now, and as you can tell, she's more in love with my status than she is with me.  It was never, 'How are you honey?'  It was always, 'Ready for the game?'  I sometimes wondered how quickly she would dump me if our team began losing games.

     "I'm always ready," I said turning around and kissing her.  She had two of her friends there with her and they both watched jealously as Vanessa kissed me back.

     "I'll see you at lunch," she said, turning back around and bounding off down the hallway, with her lackey's not far behind.  She spun back around and called down the hallway, "And we are going to Nathan's tomorrow night!"  I smiled as I watched her go.  Vanessa would probably shrivel up and die if she couldn't go to her little parties.

     Don't get me wrong.  Sure, Vanessa could be superficial and whiny sometimes, but all girls could be.  I loved her to death and until we lost the State Championship, I was pretty sure she would love me too.

     I grabbed my books out of my locker and ran off to my math class after saying good-bye to Mike.
 
 

     The bell was ringing as I walked in and Mrs. Anderson shook her head slowly when she saw me come in.  I knew there was no chance she would write me up, even though I was late practically every day.  She, like the rest of the town, needed me to be at the game tonight.  Celebrity status did have it's advantages.

     I took my book out and started to follow along.  "One of these days, she's not going to be so lenient with you," Chad whispered, leaning over to me.

     "Yeah, like tomorrow if we don't win tonight," I whispered back.  Chad was probably my best receiver and he still got chewed out by Mrs. Anderson when he was late.  I guess everyone was taking my coach's word that I was the guy holding the team together.  In all honesty though, Chad did just as much as I did to ensure that we won this year.

     I began listening to the teacher preach on and on about parabolas when the door to the classroom opened and everyone turned to see who it was.  It was usually just a messenger bringing the teacher a note, but I had never seen this boy before.

     He was my height, maybe a little shorter and he had short blonde hair.  The thing that surprised me though, was he had his backpack on and that meant only one thing.  New student coming into the class.  He walked up to the teacher and she greeted him by name.  "Hi, Sebastian. Can I help you?"

     Mrs. Anderson already knew him, but I couldn't figure out why.  He must have been in one of her other classes.  He handed her a piece of paper without saying anything and she began to scan over it.  The boy was kind of thin, but he wore a tight gray T-shirt that outlined his boyish muscles nicely.  He didn't look around the classroom at all, but simply stared at the teacher while she read the note.  You could tell just by the way he was standing that he was incredibly shy.

     "Okay," she said, looking up from the note.  She looked around the classroom and spotted the empty seat right next to me.  "You can take that seat for right now Sebastian."

     He turned and looked directly at me and then leaned in to whisper something to Mrs. Anderson.  "Oh," she said.  She scanned the classroom and spotted a seat on the other side of the room.  "How about that one?"

     He nodded his head, and taking his note from the teacher, walked to the seat across the room and sat down.  I was completely confused.  He had looked right at me and then requested to sit somewhere else.  When he sat down, he took out his Algebra book and began flipping through it.  Did he know me somehow?  Why had he requested not to sit next to me?

     I began searching my memory for some incident when I might have seen this boy before.  There was a lot of people that I knew in middle school that I never talked to anymore in high school, but you usually remember those people.  Those are the ones you see in the hallway, and either greet them with a half smile or simply look the other way like you hadn't seen them.  For the life of me, I couldn't figure out how he knew me.  I had never seen the boy before in my life.  Then again, I didn't see everyone in the school, but most people saw me.

     The teacher continued droning on about parabolas, but I was staring at the kid across the classroom.  The way the classroom was set up, I could stare at him all day long and not look suspicious.  There were two sides to the classroom and each side faced the other, with a huge walkway down the middle.

     Sebastian continued to stare at his book, making no attempt to look up and see who was in the class.  Most people just ignored him after he had sat down and continued pretending to listen to the teacher.  He wore glasses, but they weren't the kind that made him look nerdy, just intelligent.  His eyes glanced from one side of the page to the other.  He really was reading the math book, I thought.

     I let my eyes wander down to his shoes which were white and spotless, like he had never worn them outside in his life.  His shirt was tucked into a pair of pressed, khaki pants.  If I could have made a judgment on looks alone, I would have said he was a prep.

     For the whole class period I just stared at Sebastian.  For one thing, he was practically sitting right in front of me, and for another thing, there was something about this boy that wouldn't let me take my eyes off him if I wanted to.

     The class was made up of mostly sophomores, but there were a few pockets of freshmen who had already taken Geometry.  If I had to guess, I would have said Sebastian was a freshmen.  It was the way he still dressed to impress and the shyness factor as well.  He didn't seem to be trying to impress anyone though.  His clothes were a disguise for him, to fit in and not be noticed.  It obviously wasn't working because I was completely entranced by the boy.  I wanted to figure out why he had requested not to sit next to me.

     The hour class was finally over and the bell rang, a wave of commotion flooded the class as people began packing their stuff and heading for the door.  I grabbed my bag and stood up in time to see the new boy, Sebastian, stroll over to the door.  I considered following him and maybe confronting him, but I had a better idea.

     Chad began walking to the door and turned back to me.  "You coming?"

     "No, you go ahead.  I need to talk to Mrs. Anderson about something."  He shrugged his shoulders and left the classroom with the rest of the kids.

     Mrs. Anderson looked up from her desk when she realized I was still there.  "Can I help you Trevor?"

     "Yeah, I wanted to ask you a question," I said walking up to the side of her desk.  I kind of put my weight on the side of her desk, leaning in like we were old buds or something.  "We're pretty close, right Mrs. Anderson," I started to say, my suave grin flashing across my face.  I was going to have to be pretty smooth to get away with this.

     "Oh no," she said playfully when she noticed I wanted something.  "What is it?"

     "I couldn't help but notice that new boy today."

     "What about him?"  She looked back down at her grading book and continued writing scores in.

     "I'm not sure.  You told him to take the seat next to me, but I guess he didn't want that seat."  I watched as she looked back up to look me in the face and try and detect some motive for asking the question.  I made sure not to give her anything to read into.

     "Yeah," she replied, looking off into the distance, remembering.  "I told him to take that seat next to you and he asked if he could have a different one."  She focused her eyes back on my face.  "Do you know him?"

     "No, that's why I was curious when he requested not to sit next to me."

     "Sebastian is a nice boy," she said, continuing her task at hand.  "I'm sure it was nothing." I waited for her to continue, but she was wrapped up in her work so I began walking toward the door.  "And Trevor."

     I stopped and looked back at her.

     "Don't be late to my class again.  Next time, I won't be so lenient."  She said it with her face still buried in her book.

     "Okay," I said.  "Sorry."  I walked out of the class and headed off to English.
 
 

     Lunch was always a wonderful time for me.  I sat at a table with about twenty other people, most of them my teammates and their girlfriends.  People were always squeezing in and making room for other people.  Sometimes, we overflowed onto another whole table, which soon was enveloped by freshmen girls hanging on the football players.

     We were loud and carefree, and no one cared what anyone else in the cafeteria thought of us, because we were the top of the food chain.  Sometimes the seniors on the Varsity team would visit us, but they never stayed long.

     "So, anyway," Mike said, his voice booming like always.  "Trevor grabs the guy and throws him off me."  The whole table erupted in laughter.  "Wait, wait," Mike pleaded.  He looked over me.  "What was it you said to him?  Something like, 'Try that again and your dad won't be the only one whooping your ass.'"

     The table erupted in laughter again.  Vanessa, who was sitting next to me like she always did at lunch, leaned her head over and put it on my shoulder.  She knew I was getting the attention, so she decided she would remind everyone that we were together.  I put my head on hers as well.  Vanessa really was okay in short intervals.  I'm sure if she had been in more of my classes I wouldn't have been able to stand her.

     I peered across the noisy lunchroom and raised my carton of milk up to my lips.  I had always found it interesting the way the different groups always began looking more and more alike.  At the beginning of the year, the small group of Goths that sat in the corner all had different color hair, but now, they all had black hair.

     I put my milk down and continued scanning the different groups that were in the lunchroom with us.  Most of the kids didn't really fall into any of the categories that most people talked about.  Sure, there were a few hicks and a few skaters, but most people were just plan normal.

     Take that guy sitting by himself over there for example.  I caught myself and did a doubt take.  Now that I thought about it, that guy looked a lot like Sebastian.  The boy looked up from the book he was reading for a split second and then looked back down.  It was Sebastian!

     "Trevor," Mike yelled.  I looked over at him.

     "What?"

     "Tell them about that guy last week who must have weighed three hundred pounds.  There's no way that guy was sixteen."

     I ignored him and looked back over at Sebastian.  >From this distance I couldn't really see him that well, but just knowing that it was him was enough for me.  I continued watching him and suddenly, Vanessa put her hand on mine.  It startled me and I looked over at her.

     She smiled and then continued talking to her friend who was sitting across from her.  I looked back up at Sebastian.  He looked so calm and peaceful sitting there by himself.  As I watched though, I became more and more depressed.  Did he have no friends at all or was he just sitting by himself to be different today.  Something deep down told me he did this everyday.

     I had never noticed him in the cafeteria before.  I wondered if his lunch period had changed when the rest of his schedule had.  I continued to watch him, looking around the table every once in a while to make sure no one was watching me.  I wanted to go over and talk to him for some reason, but I couldn't think of a context to talk to him in.

     In high school, there were definite boundaries in a person's social life.  If I had attempted to talk to a person like Sebastian for no reason, red flags would have gone up all over the place.  I shook my head and looked away.  I didn't know why I wanted to talk to him anyway.  It was foolish really.

     I jumped into the Mike's conversation (more like his narration) and tried to push Sebastian out of my mind.  I succeeded in not looking at him for maybe a minute when I glanced back without thinking.  To my surprise though, he was gone.  I looked up and down the cafeteria, but he must have walked out.  My heart sank, and for some reason, lunchtime wasn't so much fun anymore.

     Mike shouting, reliving play by play the game we won last week.

     Mike, my best friend, oblivious to what I wanted in this life.

     Vanessa talking to her friend.

     Vanessa, oblivious of me all together unless I was getting more attention than she was.

     Yes, there was definitely something missing in my life.  I just didn't know what it was.  My eyes wandered over to the place Sebastian had been sitting.  It looked so empty without him.
 
 

     I sat at the desk in my room and stared at the Algebra question.  I continued looking at it as if by doing so it would somehow solve itself.  I looked over at the clock on my night stand.

     12:37

     I leaned back in my chair and put my hands behind my head.  I was still a little sore, but we had played one hell of a game and wasn't upset about the pain in the least.  I closed my eyes and relived some of our better plays.  I had thrown some pretty sloppy passes, but Chad caught every single one of them.  I had to hand it to him, the boy was talented.  I imagined he would grow up to be a professional football player.

     I sat back up and looked at the question again.  As I did, my mind began to wander back to class, when I had seen Sebastian reading.  He probably did this homework in ten minutes, I thought.  I sighed and closed the book.  There was no way I was going to finish it tonight.

     I was about to go to sleep, but there was something still troubling me.  My homework sat in front of me so I put the lead of my pencil down on the paper and scribbled Sebastian's name.

     I wasn't really sure why I had done it, but just looking at his name made me feel closer to him.  It was a fitting name for him, I thought.  I suddenly stopped and slammed my pencil down on the table.  I didn't even know him!  I went over to my bed and, tearing my shirt and shoes off, laid down to stare up at the ceiling.

     Something about Sebastian was driving me crazy and I couldn't put my finger on it.  He was really attractive for one thing.  I found a lot of the guys at our school attractive, but it didn't mean I wanted to go out with them.  I closed my eyes and pictured him in my mind.

     Sebastian walking into the classroom.

     Sebastian, alone and reading his book.

     Sebastian, in my room.

     Sebastian kissing me.

     I sat up in my bed and looked over at my clock.  It was 3:56.  I rubbed my eyes and laid back down.  I must have fallen asleep.  I couldn't believe I had a dream about Sebastian kissing me.  All of the signs were pointing to the obvious, but I didn't want to accept it.  My whole life I had lived with this void that neither food, nor family, nor girls could fill.  Not even football could fill it.  Suddenly though, I knew what I wanted.

     I wanted Sebastian.  I was completely infatuated with him.