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Earth, As it is in Heaven
By: Roman Genesis
All For One
I rolled over and rested my head on Sebastian's exposed shoulder. "You awake?" he asked.
I yawned and said, "Yeah." He began running his hand through my hair like he had the night before and the sensation was slowly putting me back to sleep. I ran my hand over his smooth chest and smiled. "Sebastian, I don't know what I did to deserve you."
He reached down and lifted my chin up so he could look directly into my eyes. "I never thought I'd love anyone this much," he said, tears of joy forming in his eyes. I brought my mouth up and kissed him gently before laying it back on his shoulder. I ran my leg across his and ran my finger tips over his chest, teasing his nipples. I could get used to this!
"I'm sorry about last night," he said after a few minutes. I was silent, so he went on. "I just get so jealous of Vanessa. I get so upset that we can't share our love with the rest of the world." I lifted my head to look at him and noticed he was staring out the window. I didn't know what to say. There was no way anyone could know about us.
Suddenly, the door to the room opened. "Sebastian, do you know where my..." Eric froze in his tracks when he saw us in bed together. My whole body tensed when I saw him. All of the blood drained out of my system as I stared at Eric in disbelief. This couldn't be happening. This had to be a dream, because if it wasn't, my life was over! "Oh my god," he said. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know..." He stood there for another second and then turned and walked out of the room.
"Oh shit," I said sitting up. If it got out that me and Sebastian were together, my life would over. "Oh shit, oh shit," I kept muttering. It felt like someone had reached into my stomach and pulled my organs out. My mind was flying from thought to thought. What would happen if my team found out? Or worse, if my parents found out. I couldn't take it anymore. I fought back the tears that were forming in my eyes. I didn't even bother looking at Sebastian.
"Do you want me to go talk to him?" Sebastian asked. His voice was shaking.
"Oh god," was all I could say. I remembered the very words Eric had said to me in his room. You know he's gay right? I could almost see him walking around school on Monday. You know Trevor McClain is gay right? I got out of bed and picked my dress pants off the floor. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Sebastian was trying to get me to stay, but his words were muffled, taking a back seat to the billion voices in my head. "I have to go." The tension in my stomach was growing out of control. I thought I was going to throw up.
I walked over and grabbed my jacket. I could see my family turning into this family when the truth got out. I could see my father sitting there staring at me like I was some sort of freak of nature. I spun around and headed for the door, taking just a second to look at Sebastian. I froze in my tracks when I saw he was crying. His entire body was trembling with fear and I'm pretty sure it wasn't because his brother had walked in on us.
I took another step toward the door and stopped myself. I looked back at Sebastian. Seeing him like this was touching something deep down inside me that slowly overshadowed my overwhelming sense of confusion and hopelessness. I put my tuxedo jacket down and walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. I had been so selfish. I hadn't taken the time to stop and think how this would effect Sebastian. "I'm sorry," I whispered.
The entire bed was shaking and I found tears were forming in my own eyes. I was trapped. Everyone eventually comes to a crossroad in their life when they must decide whether to leave behind everything they know, or fall back to relive their same pointless existence for the rest of eternity. My next action would decide the rest of my life. I could walk out of this room and never speak to Sebastian ever again and protect my image, or I could take Sebastian in my arms and face the dying of the night. Neither path would be easy.
"I don't know if I can do this Sebastian," I said. The tears were really flowing now. I never thought I would have to make a decision like this. I had spent my whole life burying my true feelings so far in my subconscious that sometimes I had totally forgotten. I had built my life upon a foundation of lies and everything was finally catching up with me. Every rational thought in me was telling me to run from this house and never look back, but something was holding me back.
I closed my eyes and let the shaking of the bed ease my mind as I tried to concentrate. I saw Vanessa and I saw Mike and the whole team. I tried to imagine how they would react if they knew, but I found that I couldn't think about it. It was too painful. I had seen hate in action a million times and I couldn't imagine myself being on the receiving end of it. I thought about all of it, but mostly I thought about Sebastian. I remembered the first day he had walked into my Algebra class. I remembered every awkward encounter at school and then the moment on the street under the lamps when I had first held my prince in my arms. I knew what I had to do.
I turned around and put my arms around Sebastian. At first he just sat there, but soon he wrapped his arms around me and cried into my shoulder. "I thought," he started to say between his heavy sobs. "I thought I would lose you."
I held him for a while as I let the comfort of this place fill my heart. I tried not to think about Eric or the team or anything besides Sebastian and I. Somehow, that made everything come into focus. I was so afraid what other people would think that I had totally forgotten what I shared with this boy. I lifted my head up and finally said with determination, "I'll never let you go." He was slowly regaining himself and he sat up and looked at me. I lifted my hand up to his face and wiped away his running tears and saw him for the first time. He was weak and helpless and he needed me to be strong. "You wanted to share this love with the world," I said.
He shook his head slowly. "I don't understand."
"I've made my choice. I want to share this love with the entire world. I want everyone to understand this connection we have that's more powerful than love." Sebastian smiled and kissed me gently. I couldn't believe I was saying this. I was throwing away everything I'd ever made for myself for the love of this one boy and I meant every word of it. That's what scared me the most. "It's not going to be easy."
"We can do it together," he said back.
We got dressed and walked downstairs to find his mother and father sitting in the dining room eating breakfast. Eric was no where to be seen. Everything I did was done in a haze. I was doing this, but it was so crazy and unbelievable, I couldn't imagine this was real. If you had asked me yesterday if there would ever be a day I would come out of the closet, I would have said you were insane. And now, here I was. Standing on the verge of something unfathomable.
We stood there for a moment and they both looked up when they realized we weren't going anywhere. "Trevor, I didn't know you stayed the night. You boys want something to eat?" his mother said.
She started to get up, but Sebastian gestured for her to stay where she was. "We have something we want to tell you," he said. I would have been lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless by this whole idea. We had reached the point of no return and I knew my life would be turned upside down once these words had been spoken.
Mrs. Reynolds sat back down as a look of concern crossed her face. I tried to get a reading on what Mr. Reynolds was thinking, but you could never tell with him. His gaze pierced straight through us. I couldn't take my eyes off his. Those, cold... dead... eyes...
"Mom," Sebastian said slowly. "Me and Trevor are in love."
No one moved a muscle and time itself seemed to stop for a moment. Mrs. Reynolds just stared at her son for a moment and finally turned and looked at her husband. Everyone's eyes followed hers and we were all just staring at Mr. Reynolds. His face hadn't moved at all. He just stared at his son and then moved his gaze to me. All I could hear was the beating of my own heart. The silence was deafening. Finally, he opened his mouth and what he said took me totally by surprise. "So?"
I looked over at Sebastian and he didn't look at all surprised by his father's reaction. "We just wanted to share it..." His father suddenly stood up and I thought he was going to hit his son, but instead he just walked past us.
"Trevor, can I see you in my den," he said. He kept walking and I looked from Mrs. Reynolds to Sebastian. Sebastian nodded his head slowly and I turned and followed Mr. Reynolds through living room. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. He pushed the doors to his den open and I followed him in.
I had never seen the room before and it appeared that this was his office at home. The walls were covered by dark, oak bookshelves containing twice as many books as Sebastian's room. Mr. Reynolds walked behind the desk that was in the middle of the room and sat down in a huge leather seat. He cowered over the table and rested his chin on his clasped hands. He was silent for a while and I just stood there. At least I was closer to the door and could get out if the need arose.
"Why are you doing this?" he finally asked.
I didn't understand the question. "Me and Sebastian are gay and..."
"I know Sebastian is gay," he said, cutting me off. "Finding out was one of the hardest things in my life. I'm sure Sebastian told you all about it." I was going to tell him he hadn't, but decided not to. I didn't want to be in this room longer than I had to. "What do you hope to accomplish by coming out of the closet? You could have easily kept it a secret." Slowly, a look of concern generated on his face.
Mr. Reynolds knew that he wasn't going to be the last one to find out his son and I were gay. He knew we were going all the way. "You're one of the most talked about people in town. What do you think is going to happen? When one person finds out, it's going to keep going until everyone knows." He watched me, but I didn't respond. Did the people in town really talk about me when I wasn't around? I tried to imagine Mr. Reynolds hanging out at work with his colleagues talking about Trevor McClain and the Junior Varsities latest win. For some reason, it didn't seem likely.
"Where exactly are you going with this," he asked. This wasn't exactly the response I was planning on getting from Mr. Reynolds. I thought he would get angry and kick me out, but instead, he was genuinely concerned for his son's safety.
"Well," I said. "I was going to talk to my counselor at school and see about starting an awareness group at school." Mr. Reynolds sighed and shook his head.
"I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into," he said. He watched me with a sort of pity in his eyes. "You're only one person. What do you think you'll accomplish?" It was the same thing I had asked myself before we came downstairs. I hadn't found an answer yet.
"If I'm as popular in this town as you say I am..."
"Trust me," he said, "it won't be the kind of popularity you want." He leaned back in his chair and continued to look at me. "I want you to forget about his awareness group idea," he said finally.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I've already made up my mind." I prepared myself for Mr. Reynolds wrath, but none came. He just sat there calmly, watching me with a mixture of pity and interest. "We really are in love," I said.
"Please," he said, putting his hand up to stop me. He turned his chair away. "I want nothing to do with Sebastian's private life. Talk to his mother about your..." He paused as he thought of a word for it. "About your dilemma." He was quiet before he said to himself, "I don't want to hear it." I had been curious as to what kind of man, the same one who once called his son his little prince, had become. I knew now and all I felt for him was disgust. He was too afraid to take a stand on the issue, so he broke down and decided not to take a stand on anything. He really was as empty and dead as I had imagined.
I walked out of his den and saw Mrs. Reynolds sitting in the living room waiting for me. I looked around, but I didn't see Sebastian. "He's up in his room," she said quietly.
"Thanks," I said. I started toward the stairs when she called for me.
"Trevor," she said. I came back over to her and found she couldn't look me in the eyes. "I'm sorry for what my husband might have said to you. He really is a good man who loves his sons very much. He's just trying to protect them." More like protect himself, I thought.
I started to walk away again. "Trevor?" I turned around and looked at her. Something was troubling her deeply. "Can I ask you a question?"
I walked right over to her and sat down on the sofa. "Yes," I said.
"Is..." she started to say. I could see her debating in her mind how and if to ask the question. Tears were already forming in her eyes. "Is Sebastian happy?"
I couldn't help but smile. His mother truly did care about him. "I don't think he's ever been happier," I replied. She smiled and leaned over and hugged me.
"Thank you," she whispered. I got up and went upstairs to find Sebastian sitting on his bed.
"What did my dad say?"
"He doesn't like the idea very much," I said, sitting down beside him.
"I didn't think he would." I leaned over and kissed him. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"
I smiled and took his hand in mine. "I won't be satisfied until the day I can do this in front of the whole world." He smiled back and I stood up. "I'm going to tell my parents now. If I can get over this hurdle, we should he able to do this."
"Do you want me to come with you?" He was truly concerned and I knew he wanted to be there by my side when I faced them.
"No," I said. "It will be easier if it's just me." I kissed him one last time and headed for my house. The whole way there, my mind was in a kind of trance-like state. I couldn't believe I was going through with this. It was as if I was watching these events happen through some other person's eyes.
I took a deep breath and threw open the door to my house. "Trevor?" my mom called from the kitchen. She came to the front door as I was hanging up my jacket. "How was the dance? Did you stay at Nathan's house?"
"The dance was great," I said. "I stayed at Sebastian's house."
"I'm making lunch. You want some?"
"No thanks." I followed her into the kitchen and looked around. "Where's dad?"
"He's down in the basement," she answered and continued making sandwiches.
The door to the basement suddenly opened up and my dad stepped out. "Hey, how was the dance?" he asked. It looked like he had been down working on the furnace.
"It was great." I sat down at the table and I saw my dad heading for the stairs so I called out, "Could I talk to you two for a moment?" The both turned and looked at me curiously. I'd never requested to talk to them in my life and they knew something was up. My dad walked back in and sat down at the table across from me. Mom took the other seat and I took a deep breath. "I don't think either of you have met my friend Sebastian," I started off. "But he's this really nice guy I met from my Algebra class."
I wish I could have described the look on their faces. I think my mom figured out what I was talking about before I even said it. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the shit that was about to hit the fan. "And we're in love." I suddenly felt like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. My parents just sat there staring at me in disbelief.
"Like a brother," my father said, as if to correct me.
"No dad. I'm gay." We all just sat there for what seemed like an eternity. No one spoke a single word. I'm sure my last words were ringing through their heads, because I know that's all I could hear. Just saying them seemed to break down the foundation of lies that I had set my life upon. I'm gay.
"No," my mother said. "You have Vanessa." I couldn't believe this. My parents were still trying to rationalize even after I had spelled it out for them
"It was never love," I said to her. My mother seemed to be getting very upset and she looked at my father who still had the blank, shocked expression.
"Maybe we can get counseling to help you out," my mother said desperately. I couldn't believe this. My own mother thought that my sexuality was some sort of disease that could be treated.
"It's unnecessary," I said. "I just wanted you two to know before I came out at school and the whole town finds out. Things are going to get very confusing around here." My father began shaking his head as I stood up and began walking to my room.
Neither of them stopped me though.
"I did it," I told Sebastian over the phone.
"How did it go?"
"As well as can be expected. They actually didn't believe me at first, but I think I convinced them. Sebastian, can I ask you something?"
"Sure," he said.
I looked out my window and saw it was snowing outside again. "Wouldn't you have been just as happy with me if no one ever found out?"
There was silence for a second, but then he said something to me that I will never forget. "Would you rather be loved for who you're not? Or hated for who you are? Personally, I want to be loved for who I am and the only way we can make it come true, is if we show this love to the world and hopefully make the world a little bit more accepting."
I sat there thinking of what he said and smiled to myself. "I love you," I said.
"I love you too." I knew it was time. It was time to take this tiny piece of heaven and share it with the rest of the world. This was our wish. Perhaps neither of us were thinking clearly and we were both out of our minds, but we had made a decision and now we had to deal with the consequences. For as long as both of us should live...