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Earth, As it is in Heaven
By: Roman Genesis
Broken Hearts, Shattered Dreams
This couldn't be happening. I saw my life flashing before my eyes. "Oh, it was just Sebastian?" Chad asked. Chad must have been worried that it would get out that he was gay. He didn't understand that Sebastian seeing us kiss was a million times worse than some stranger seeing us. I had to get to Sebastian before something terrible happened.
I ran back into the locker room and grabbed my shirt, not even bothering to change my football pants. "Trevor," Chad pleaded. I ignored him and gathered up the rest of my stuff and headed for the door. I glanced at him as I pushed the door open and stopped myself. He was standing there, his arms hanging by his side in defeat and upon his face he wore the most hurt expression. I can't even describe it. He was on the verge or either crying or dropping dead and I wasn't sure which.
"I'm sorry," I said. I tore my eyes away from him and walked outside, trying desperately to push the incident out of my head. I shouldn't have let Chad kiss me like that. There was no telling what Sebastian would do now. He probably thought there was something going on between Chad and I. How had I not recognized Chad's crush on me?
I began running down the street toward Sebastian's house. My heart was racing and I was gasping for air. I was still tired from practice, but I had to get to Sebastian before something terrible happened. In my hand I carried the letter he had written me. I hadn't had a chance to read the whole thing. It must have been five pages long.
I began to run faster as I remembered what he had said in the letter. There was one line in particular that scared me to death. I don't know what I would do without you. I began to sprint down the road, the cold, dry air burning my lungs. I began to feel lightheaded and my thoughts were becoming blurred and confused. Had Chad kissed me? He had, because I could still taste the sweetness of his lips...
I shook the thought out of my head. I couldn't run anymore so I slowed down to a walk as the strain of my sprint suddenly hit me. I thought I was going to pass out. I had to find Sebastian!
I was finally walking up his street and I saw that there were no cars outside the house. I paused in front of his house to catch my breath. To tell you the truth, I was afraid of what I would find. I built up my courage and walked up to the door and began knocking. No one answered so I began banging harder. "Hold on," I heard someone yell from inside.
The door opened and I saw Eric standing there. A strange look passed his face when he saw me. "What's going on?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked through my heavy breathing.
"Sebastian came running in a few minutes ago and he looked upset. Then I heard the front door slam shut and now I can't find him anywhere."
"Oh shit," I muttered. I stood there in shock, staring at Eric. I don't know why, but I suddenly noticed that his eye was almost completely healed. I just stared at him.
"What's going on?" he asked again. I began shaking my head as I stepped into the house.
"He didn't say anything?"
"No, he just came in and went straight to his room. He looked like he had been crying." Oh god, this was worse than I thought. If anything happened to Sebastian I would never be able to forgive myself. I walked past Eric and went straight for Sebastian's bedroom, Eric right behind me.
I walked in and at first it looked like nothing had changed. I flipped the light on and stepped into the middle of the room. Eric was right behind me. "Trevor," Eric said. "What's going on?" I didn't answer. I just kept looking around the room. There had to be a clue. There had to be something...
I stopped when my eyes fell upon Sebastian's cello. My heart skipped a beat as I stared in horror. Along the shiny black neck, the thing had been broken completely in half, the strings now the only thing keeping it attached. Eric followed my gaze and let out a gasp. "Oh god," he muttered. I walked over to it and kneeled down. Now that I was closer I could see that there were footprints all over the body of it, like Sebastian had tried to break it apart by kicking it. Tiny cracks were visible all over the surface.
Eric just stood in the middle of the room as I looked down helplessly at the thing that had once filled both me and Sebastian's hearts with the music of love. And now it was destroyed, the perfect symbol of the shattered hopes Sebastian had lived with his whole life. I found myself losing all control of my emotions. I began to sob out loud, not even caring if Eric saw me. I had let Sebastian down and there was nothing I could do to change it.
I let my fingertips run along the surface of
the tragic cello in a desperate attempt to feel closer to Sebastian.
I couldn't even imagine the pain he must have been in to do something like
this. I wiped the tears away from my eyes as I stood up. I
turned around and looked at Eric and noticed that he had gone over to Sebastian's
desk and was looking down at something. I went over beside him and
looked down at the piece of paper he was reading. It was obviously
from Sebastian and it was very sloppily done, as if he had been a great
hurry when he wrote it.
I'm sorry for what I've put you through over the years. I've always through that no matter how bad things got, I always had the future to make up for it. I figured that one day I would be able to do something that would make you and dad and everyone else proud of me and not just disgusted and disappointed.
Only not am I coming to the realization that I probably never will and it's killing me. I understand now that I have deep seated problems for which I need professional help. I'm sorry it took so long to realize this.
Today, the only love I ever knew left me. I don't know why I ever thought he would stay with me anyway. I'm a nobody. It's true that I've known this for a long time. I just never wanted to admit it to myself. I don't like myself or respect myself and therefor don't want anyone else to like or respect me. I hate it. I feel alone and all I want to do is run as far as I can. I don't want to come back until I've done something that will make everyone proud of me. It may happen and it may not. This is the end result of my behavior.
I love you,
I was crying before I was even done with the letter. I ran from Sebastian's room and blindly down the stairs. Sebastian's words were like daggers in my heart. I had no idea he felt like this. Eric was yelling for me to stop, but I kept going. I had to find Sebastian.
I ran out the front door and was once again sprinting down the street through the cold, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't lose Sebastian. Not after I had come this far. Sebastian was everything to me. I needed him. I had to protect him and make sure he was safe. I heard Eric shouting for me to stop and realized he had come out of his house after me. I ran faster. I still carried in my hand the letter he had dropped in front of the locker room.
I ran across the lawn that led into the woods and ran down the snow covered path. There was only one place Sebastian could be, and if he wasn't at our special spot then I had no idea where he was. Dead branches broke apart as I crashed into them. Snow from the disturbed trees fell down around me. My hands were becoming numb as I ran further and further into the woods.
I slowed down as I approached the stream and prayed that Sebastian would be there waiting for me. I had to see him. I had to make sure he was safe. But mostly, I had to explain to him what he had seen. I had to make sure he would be with me the rest of my life. I couldn't lose him.
I crawled over the rocks and jumped down to the other side where the tiny stream flowed and I came to a dead halt as I looked around. The place was empty. Nature was alone and content, oblivious to the very human need for companionship. My hopes once again came crashing down upon me. There was nothing left to do. It was over. Sebastian wasn't here.
I sat down upon the very rock that Sebastian and I had used a hundred times before and stared down at the water. This was the end of the road. I looked down at the letter that Sebastian had written to me and suddenly realized I hadn't read the whole thing because I had been in such a hurry to find him. I opened it up and began reading.
I couldn't believe me eyes. Sebastian was pouring out his heart to me for maybe the very first time. The secret experience that had changed Sebastian and his family forever played out in front of me as I read. It was no wonder Sebastian was afraid to fall in love with me. If I had turned out to be another Randy, Sebastian wouldn't have been able to live with himself. Suddenly, I realized that Sebastian must have thought I was another Randy. He had walked in on Chad and I and I can only imagine what must have been running through his head as he watched.
I let the letter slip from my hand and fall into the snow as I sat there in defeat. There was nothing left for me to do. It was all over. The tiny life we had created for ourselves was falling down around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I began to cry again. I felt empty and weak without Sebastian. They say you never know how much you love someone until they're gone. It wasn't true with Sebastian and I. I knew how much I loved and needed him and now that he was gone, all I felt was grief. How could I go on living without him?
I noticed something shiny in the small stream in front of me and walked over to it. I stuck my hand into the freezing cold water and fished out the object and realized it was the ring I had given Sebastian. He had been here just long enough to throw away this ring, I thought. I sat down in the snow and turned the ring over so I could see the word "Love" engraved on the inside. "Please Sebastian," I said through my sobs. "I need you." I realized I was speaking to the ring, but I didn't care.
I stopped crying when I heard a voice being carried by the wind through the woods. I thought it was Sebastian at first, but as the voice got closer I realized it was a girls voice calling my name. I didn't move or attempt to reply. I didn't want to see anyone.
The voice continued to get closer and I knew it was Shannon. Eric must have told her he saw me coming down here. "Trevor," she called. She was really close now. It was only a matter of time before she found me. I threw the ring back in the water where I had found it. The ring was everything about our relationship that I had lost. I couldn't look at it anymore.
"Trevor, there you are. What's going on?" I turned around to see Shannon coming over the rocks. She froze when she saw that I was crying uncontrollably. "Oh my god." She rushed over to me and put her arms around me. I leaned into her and cried on her shoulder for a long time, letting everything I had in me overflow.
"Trevor," she finally said pleading. "You have to tell me what happened." She began to run her fingers through my hair the same way Sebastian would.
"Chad," I said through my sobs. "He kissed me. I didn't even hear Sebastian come in. Oh god... I had no idea..." Her hand suddenly stopped running through my hair. I sat up and looked at her and found that she suddenly understood that Sebastian had run away.
"Oh no," she said.
"His cello.... It was broken... I'm scared Shannon." She was staring out at the passing stream and I saw a look of devastation slowly creep across her face. Her eyes became glassy as my words worked their way into her disbelieving consciousness.
She suddenly turned to me and I could see she was on the verge of tears. "What do we do?" She was forlorn, desperately searching for something she could do to make everything better. Only now was it dawning upon her that there was no longer anything she could do to protect the boy she had dedicated her life to.
I shook my head in response. I wished to god there was something we could do to bring him back to us, but it was hopeless. She was quickly losing her calm. She buried her face in her hands as she fought back the tears. "How could I be so selfish," she said.
"What are you talking about?"
She looked up at me and I saw that the tears were rolling down her face now. "We were wrong to think we could help him all by ourselves." I began to shake my head. I couldn't listen to this. "He needs help Trevor. He needs professional help."
It wasn't true. I was the one that could help him. He didn't need professional help. He needed me to love him and tell him everything would be okay and that I would always be there for him. Our lives had come together for a purpose! I stood up and walked over to the rocks. I had to find Sebastian. I had to make sure he was safe. "Trevor, don't leave me," Shannon pleaded. I looked back down at her. She had lost all hope by this point and she was sobbing loudly. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get away.
I jumped over the rocks and headed back down the path. Shannon was screaming for me to come back, but I kept walking. Everything inside me told me to go back and take pity on the girl who now carried the burden of Sebastian's absence, but I trekked on through the cold anyway. I wouldn't stop searching until I had found him.
I walked further into the woods, looking for some sign of life. The sun was setting and I felt the temperature dropping quickly. I ignored it though and continued walking. Nothing would stop me. "Sebastian," I called out at the top of my lungs. Somehow, I knew he could hear me. Neither time nor space could keep us apart.
"I'm sorry," I screamed, my words forming in a cloud in front of my mouth. I once again found myself losing control as wave after wave of grief washed over me. "Please. Come back to me!" I sat down in the snow and finally realized that Sebastian was gone. "Please god," I whispered. "I just need to see him one more time."
I collapsed as the cold overtook me. It was now almost pitch black out and the wind was howling through the woods, whipping past my face and blowing snow into my eyes. The pain was nothing compared to what I felt inside me though. This tiny misunderstanding had blown up into something that I couldn't have seen coming. Sebastian blamed himself for what happened. I had let him down and he still blamed himself! I felt sick just thinking about it. I wanted to cry and scream and yell, but I was too exhausted from the cold. My whole body was becoming numb and I felt as light as a feather.
I closed my eyes and the brilliant darkness began to overtake me. It was the strangest thing, but I began to see all of my friends, even some that I didn't talk to anymore. They were all just walking past me solemnly and throwing flowers on me. There was Mike and Shannon and Chad. I even saw Vanessa and a lot of the guys from my team walk by and toss flowers at me. It was the strangest thing in the whole world, but for some reason I didn't mind. I was just happy to finally be resting. It felt like I had been holding my breath my whole life and only now was I starting to really breath, to really live.
Are you awake?
The voice was inside my head, but it sounded like someone I used to know. "Who is it?" I asked.
Are you awake?
"I think so."
Then open your eyes.
I opened my eyes and I saw that I was laying in some sort of grassy field with my head in Sebastian's lap. I looked up at him and smiled and he smiled back. "I missed you," I said.
Suddenly, there was beeping and confusion and I opened my eyes and was blinded by the light. "Trevor, can you hear me?" Someone was talking, but I couldn't figure out why. I wanted to go back. I wanted to see Sebastian again. "Trevor, you're in the hospital. Can you open your eyes?" I tried to open my eyes again and the light wasn't as harsh this time.
"What happened..." I tried to say, but it came out as a hissing whisper.
"Your friend found you out in the woods. You were lucky," the person said. I opened my eyes a third time and I saw a man standing over me. I tried to sit up and look around, but I found I couldn't move. "Just relax," the man said. "You're going to be just fine." I laid there and stared up at the ceiling. It was an unfamiliar ceiling.
The man walked away and I heard a door close. I continued to lay there as I tried to figure out what was going on. The last thing I could remember was walking through the woods looking for Sebastian. Everything after that was hazy. The man said my friend had found me. Was it Sebastian? I lifted my head off the pillow and looked around the hospital room, but there was no one here except me.
The door suddenly opened again and the doctor came back in with Shannon and my parents. "Oh thank god," my mother said as she rushed over to my side.
"He'll be just fine," the doctor said.
My father came up beside my mom and he put his hand on her shoulder. "Will he be able to play on Thursday?"
"Well," he said. "It depends on how he's feeling."
"Where's Sebastian?" I said, my voice again very quiet. I saw my father look away after I had said it. My mother just looked at me with pity in her eyes. I looked over at Shannon, but she still carried a look of grief as well.
"Who?" the doctor asked when he saw that no one was going to answer.
"He saved me," I said.
"No," the doctor said, shaking his head slowly. "This young lady brought you in." I looked over at Shannon and she smiled weakly. It was true then. Sebastian didn't save me. I hadn't even seen him. I was still alone in this world, half of the person I once was.
I rolled over and looked out the window. It was nighttime, but I could still see the horrible snow storm outside, reflecting the very real storm raging in my heart and mind.