Life seems a lot slower and a lot more useless when you realize that nothing in it matters.  You wake up, live the life you think you're supposed to live, and then you go to bed.  The average person does this thousands of times in their lifetime and then when it's all over, they die.  The life they've lived disappears in the sea of time along with everything else and there is absolutely nothing to show for it.  Everything they've ever accomplished has been thrown away and everyone who's ever loved them have gone and died themselves.

     Yes, these things become so much clearer when the hopes and dreams you've made up in your head come crashing down around you.  No one is going to stay with you.  No one is going to take care of you forever.  Sebastian knew these things.  I'm just starting to realize them.

     I stared at his empty desk the entire period.  I had no idea why.  Perhaps I was hoping he would magically appear, but probably I was wishing I was as far away from this place as he was.  Chad had not said a word about the little incident in the locker room.  He hadn't even looked at me.

     Mrs. Anderson's voice was droning on in the background and a few students were eyeing me strangely, but I didn't care about Algebra or the children in this room.  I didn't care about anything.  I continued to stare at Sebastian's hollow empty desk the whole period.  He didn't magically appear and at the end of the period, I was still as far away from him as I had always been.

     The bell rang and everyone began leaving the classroom, but I remained motionless.  I felt numb and sick and I began to imagine that I couldn't move my body.  I noticed out of the corner of my vision that Chad had not moved a muscle either.  The last few people were filtering out now and I looked over at Chad to see that he too was staring at Sebastian's empty seat.  He looked almost as bad as I did.

     He looked over at me and I saw the reflection of my despair in his eyes.  This was his fault and he knew it.  Mrs. Anderson was still standing at the front of the classroom watching Chad and I suspiciously so I finally stood up and walked toward the door.  I didn't want to look at Chad anymore.

     I passed into the hallway and tried to disappear into the crowd, but I heard Chad calling my name.  I stopped dead in my tracks and slowly turned around to see Chad at the entrance of the classroom, looking more helpless than I've ever seen him before.  I reluctantly walked over to him.  "What?" I demanded.

     "I'm... I'm sorry."  He appeared to be on the verge of tears and I finally understood how sorry he really was.  I shook my head and glared at him.  There was no way I was going to forgive him.  This had been all his fault.  He knew Sebastian and I were together.

     "Chad," I said coldly.  "That was the most selfish thing..."  I couldn't continue because my words were bringing tears to his eyes and I found my own eyes swelling up with tears just seeing this.  I was so mad at Chad and I didn't want to forgive him.  There was no way I was going to shed one tear for him.  I fought back my emotions as I continued.  "You shouldn't have kissed me.  You knew Sebastian and I..."  My voice cracked as I lost control and began to sob right there in the middle of the hallway.

     "God, I'm so sorry Trevor.  I don't know what to say..."  I couldn't take this anymore.  I turned away from him and stormed off through the sea of people, trying hopelessly to push Chad out of my mind.  I wanted so much to be mad at him, but I just couldn't do it.  I knew all he wanted was to be happy and he had hidden his desire for so long.  It must have been killing him.  I didn't feel like going to my next class so I went outside the school and sat up against the wall.  I heard the late bell ringing, but I didn't care.

     I sat outside in the cold for a long time.  I was actually considering going to class and being late because it was so cold out here when I heard a familiar voice.  "Trevor, is that you?"  I looked up and saw Mike coming toward me.  "Oh my god, what are you doing out here?  Why weren't you in class this morning?"  He kneeled down beside me, but I looked away.

     "Sebastian's gone," I said flatly.

     "What are you talking about?  What happened?"

     "He ran away.  I don't think he's coming back."  I continued to look away and I heard Mike sitting down next to me.

     "Oh no.  I'm so sorry Trevor.  I had no idea."  I sat there in silence and stared off into space.  There was no way I could tell him what happened between Chad and I.  Chad had gone through a lot to keep it a secret and I wasn't going to betray him, regardless of what he had caused.

     We sat there in silence for a long time and I began to wonder why he was out here.  I turned and looked at him and noticed he had a hall pass.  "Aren't they going to miss you?"

     "It's fine," he said.  I looked up at him and smiled weakly.  Mike was trying to comfort me and I was glad to have his company out here.  "Do you want to talk about it?" he finally asked.

     "Not really," I said.  We continued to sit there in silence, but finally I decided he deserved an explanation.  "There was a misunderstanding.  He saw something that was nothing really.  He... He ran away..."  I was once again losing the cool I had tried so hard to build.  My emotions began to flow over, but I held back the tears.  "I'm scared Mike."

     "I'm so sorry," he said again.  Mike had no idea what to do, but I couldn't blame him.  There was really nothing either of us could do.  Sebastian was gone and the only person who could bring him back was Sebastian.  "I'm not trying to sound rude, but have you thought about the game tomorrow night?"

     I had thought about the game tomorrow night.  Before the little incident in the locker room it had been the only thing on my mind.  We were one game away from the State Championship and a win tomorrow would guarantee a place in the game.  We needed to win the game, but there was no way I could play under these conditions.  I barely had the strength to make it to school today, let alone play one of the most important games all season.  "I'll be there.  I have to be there."

     "Look Trevor, I know you probably don't want to hear this now, but I'm going to say it to you as a friend.  Maybe it's time to let go of Sebastian and move on."  I looked over at Mike in disbelief.

     "How can you say that?"

     "I've been meaning to say something to you about it for a long time and I couldn't bring myself to say it.  You and Sebastian's relationship has always been strained to say the least.  >From what you've told me anyway."

     "What are you talking about?"  I couldn't believe I was hearing this from Mike of all people.  I thought he understood.  "We've had our ups and downs, but everyone does.  I love him Mike."

     "Relationships based on protection don't work Trevor.  You've been taking care of Sebastian from the first day you met him.  Relationships need to be based on equality, not a weaker person attaching them self to a stronger person."  I started to stand up, but Mike put his arm on my shoulder to keep me from going.  "You have to hear this Trevor."

     "No Mike.  I don't have to listen to this shit.  It's crazy and I thought you were my friend."

     "I am your friend Trevor.  That's why I had to say something.  Sebastian was the first guy you fell in love with.  You're trying to build it up in your head as the perfect thing, but it's not.  You need to get out there and see what else the world has to offer.  You have to move on."  I pushed Mike's hand off me and finally stood up.

     I glared down at him in disgust as I tried to get his words out of my head.  "I don't think I'll be needing anymore of your friendly advice.  Just stay away from me."  I turned and started to walk away, but he was already on his feet and calling to me.  I couldn't listen to him anymore though.  Sebastian was the person meant for me and I didn't care what anyone else said.  Mike was trying to follow me so I began running.

     First there was Shannon telling me Sebastian needed professional help, and now my best friend was telling me Sebastian was attaching himself to me because he was a weak person.  All this after he love ran away!  I couldn't believe this was happening.  I guess it wasn't bad enough that my heart had been ripped out, because now the whole world had to come by to take a dump on my grave.

     I continued running until I was sure Mike was gone and I found another spot against the wall to sit down and brood.  I hated Mike and I hated Shannon for what they had done.  I hated Chad for causing all of this, but most of all I hated myself.  I had lost everything and all I wanted was Sebastian.  I wanted to take care of him and tell him everything would be all right.  I needed him.  I needed him to need me.
 
 

     My motivational speech before the big game was more like a motivational rant.  Everyone quickly picked up on the fact that something was wrong with me, but neither Chad nor Mike offered anyone an explanation.  I hadn't spoken to either of them since the day before when I walked away from both of them.  They were keeping their distance and so was I.  They knew I wanted to be alone.

     We walked out onto the field and the fans (I should say everyone in town) were on their feet cheering.  The place was packed and the people were once again overflowing into the areas beyond the field goals.  I lingered behind as the team ran to our side of the field and to the coach. There was no way I was going to play to the best of my ability tonight and I just hoped the team wouldn't suffer.  They didn't deserve it.

     I finally got to the group and the coach was screaming something about an experimental play we had tried a few times.  I wasn't really listening and I think the coach realized it.  After he had finished and everyone was heading out to the field for the coin toss he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me aside.  "Listen Trevor," he yelled over the crowd noise.  "I don't care what's bothering you.  Just snap out of it.  We're going to win this game tonight with or without you."  He let go of my arm and I walked out onto the field, my helmet under my arm.  I usually felt powerful out here.  Tonight, I found myself not caring if we won or lost.

     We lost the coin toss and we lost the entire first half of the game for that matter.  I was throwing horribly when I wasn't being sacked for staying in the pocket to long.  The coach was screaming and screaming, but it had no affect on me.  Nothing he said was going to change a damn thing.  No one understood that my life was now only a pale imitation of what it once was.  I wasn't the champion of the town.  That was a different Trevor McClain.  I didn't think anyone would ever see him again.

     "That's it Trevor," the coach yelled at me in the locker room.  "I want you passing to Anthony if you're not going to throw worth a shit."  The game was basically over by that point.  The moment the coach gave in and called for a running game, the game was basically lost.  It wasn't that Anthony was a horrible runner, it's just that this team had come this far on the incredible receptions that high school football doesn't see very often.

     We headed back out onto the field and I could tell the fans were upset.  The roar wasn't half as loud as when we had first come out here.  Some people were already leaving.  I looked up at the scoreboard and saw the glowing orange number 17 under the visitor's name right next to the glowing orange zero.  If I cared at all I would have been worried.

     After the kickoff we lined up and got ready for the first play of the half.  "Hike," I yelled. Nathan passed me the ball and I handed it off to Anthony who ran straight into the wall of boys and fell to the ground.  The crowd began to boo and I looked to see that more people were slowly leaving.  They knew what was ahead.  Something in my crowd caught my eye and I looked back.

     I stared in disbelief at Shannon as she stood there cheering, but it was the person next to her that really caught my attention.  At first I thought it was Eric because I had seen him at our games before, but then I saw how he was looking at me.  He was standing perfectly still and he was staring straight at me.  "Come on," one of my teammates yelled to me.

     We lined up again and Nathan hiked it to me.  I fell back and handed it to Anthony again and this time he ran wide with the ball, trying desperately to round the corner before the pack of boys pushed him out of bounds.  He managed to get a few yards before being pushed out.

     I looked back over at Shannon and the boy I had first thought was Eric.  He was still standing there motionless in the sea of moving people and he did something that I will never forget.  He lifted his hand up slowly, palm toward me in a simple gesture of greeting.  He was wearing the ring I had given him homecoming night.

     I quickly ran back to the huddle.  "Okay, Chad, go long."

     "What?  The coach said..."

     "Just do it," I said.  I broke the huddle and we ran back to the line.  The crowd grew strangely quiet as we got set.  I looked up at our opponents, the ones who were growing more confident with each passing moment.  It was time to show these guys how we really played ball.  "Hike," I yelled.  Nathan passed me the ball and I fell back.  Anthony came up behind me as if I was going to hand it off, but he broke off at the last moment and I swung around with the ball.  I looked down field and saw Chad breaking wide open.  This was it.

     With all the strength I could conjure up in my weak state I threw the ball as hard as I could.  It seemed to go in slow motion as it flew though the air toward it's target, and connect with it's target it did.  It fell straight into Chad's waiting hands and he quickly ran the rest of the way to the end zone, the crowd cheering him on the entire way.

     Yes, everyone reaches their breaking point sometimes, but everyone also reaches that moment when the light fights back against the overwhelming sense of fear and despair.  Life is so much more than iron and blood as the Great Bismarck once said.  Every warrior knows that half of every battle is the will to win.

     It was only a matter of time that we made up for lost yardage and quickly evened the score before completely blowing them out of the water with a final score of 17 to 28.  The place was going crazy as we sealed our fates as the district champions and guaranteed our spot in the State Championship.

     I totally lost Shannon and Sebastian in the chaos that followed, but I knew they were out there somewhere waiting for me.  I quickly got showered and changed in the locker room and made it through the crowd that had gathered outside.  Nothing was going to stop me.  I jumped on my bike and sped as fast as I could toward Sebastian's house.  My hopes were boiling over as I saw Shannon's car outside his house.  I jumped off my bike and run up the path to his front door.  Without a moment's hesitation I pulled the door open and stepped inside.  The whole family was standing there with Sebastian and Shannon and whatever was going on before I stepped through the door totally stopped.

     Everyone turned to look at me and my eyes caught Sebastian's and I just stood there staring at him and a smile slowly crossed his face.  I knew in that moment that he had forgiven me.  No more words were needed.  I began walking toward him and he began walking toward me.  I didn't care that his brother, his mother, and his father were all right there.  I took him in my arms and kissed him as hard as I could.