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Earth, As it is in Heaven
By: Roman Genesis
The Sum of All Things
I stood by the entrance of Sebastian's house clutching the letter I had just written as hard as I could. I knew that once it had passed from my hand to Sebastian's, our tiny little life we had created could very easily crumble to nothing. I reached my hand out and knocked, lowering my head in shame as I awaited the answer I didn't want.
I don't even know where to begin or even
how to tell you this. Something happened between me and your brother
that I can't explain because I don't even understand it. I wish I
could say I thought it was you, but deep down I knew it was him and it's
killing me inside to know this and have to come to terms with it.
I just hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me because I don't know what I would do without you.
The door opened slowly and I looked up. At first glance I thought it was Sebastian, but that was only a passing thought. I knew those eyes. Those gray, dead eyes.
"Is Sebastian here?" My gaze quickly fell to Eric's feet. I couldn't even look at him.
"No," Eric said, turning around and walking into the house, leaving the door open for me to follow. "He never came back."
I stood on the porch without following. I saw Eric disappear into the darkness of the house and only after I couldn't see him anymore did I go inside. There were no lights on in the house and it appeared that no one was home. I went directly toward the stairs and up to Sebastian's room. I didn't think Eric was lying. I just wanted to see for myself.
I want to tell you a story. It's a story of my beginning. Since I could remember, it's felt like I was moving through this world with part or me missing. I didn't know what I was lacking until I met the most incredible guy. He had the most amazing smile and caring, gentle nature. His name was Sebastian, and suddenly, my life seemed complete and nothing would ever go wrong again.
I pushed open the door to his room and walked in. I've never seen the place look so empty and gloomy. The bed was made and their wasn't an item on the floor. He could have been here two minutes ago or two months ago. You could never really tell with Sebastian. Like this room, it seemed that he went through this world without leaving a mark. He left it just like he found it.
I flipped the light switch on and drifted to the center of the room and just stood there looking at his books and the art he had collected. My heart began to sink as I imagined this was the last time I would see any of it. I didn't know if Sebastian would forgive me even if he could for what happened between me and his brother.
I pulled the chair out that was next to his bed and sat down, placing my head in my hands. I didn't want to be here alone. I wanted Sebastian to be here, to tell me it was okay. I wanted to place my hand in his and have him lead me far away to our tiny piece of heaven and far away from everything. I looked up and saw his cello case laying against the wall.
I'm not sure why I did it, but I went over and pulled his broken cello out and just looked at it. Just touching it's smooth, polished surface, the parts that weren't destroyed after Sebastian had seen Chad and I in the locker room, made me relive the moment when I had first come into his life and the moment when we had connected on a level that I never knew existed between two people. My eyes were starting to tear up, so I began my trek downstairs to confront Eric. I couldn't stand being in Sebastian's room all alone anymore. It wasn't the same without him.
And we were perfect Sebastian. We carved out our own little piece of heaven right here on earth. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I know you've been hurt before and I could never imagine that I would be the one to hurt you again.
I drifted through the empty house looking for Eric. He was here somewhere, waiting and lurking. It was hard to discern who was the hunter and who was the hunted. My eyes darted from dark crevice to dark crevice, looking for the beast.
It was almost pitch black in the living room and Mrs. Reynolds' collection of lamps and statues took on mysterious and terrifying forms in my mind. He horror continued to fill my mind until I finally made out a light up ahead. The door to their father's den was cracked open, and a sliver of light pierced through the darkness like an arrow through my broken heart.
I walked up to the door and peered in. Eric was in their father's seat, staring at the wall next to him, contemplating his life and the event that he had hidden from the whole time. I pushed the door open, but Eric didn't bother to look to see who had come in. He knew I was coming for him. It was only a matter of time.
"Eric," I said. "Look, what happened between us was an accident. It never should have happened." I was taken aback when he chuckled to himself. He knew something I didn't. "Where's Sebastian?" I said, my voice calm and demanding at the same time.
"He ran when I told him what happened," Eric said to himself so I could overhear, finally spinning the chair around to look at me. I saw there was a bottle of liquor open on the desk next to him. He also had a glass in his hand and I knew he had gotten into his father's liquor cabinet.
I took a step forward and allowed the anger in me to mix with my words. "You told him what happened?" I was in disbelief. How could he tell his brother?
"Yes I told him," Eric yelled. I could see the rage and hate in his eyes. Slowly though, the expression melted, leaving the same apathetic look he had worn earlier. "Did you really think you and Sebastian could go on forever?" To my amazement, a smile crossed the face of the demon in front of me.
"What did you tell him?" I demanded. My hands had become fists at my side and I was about to lunge over the desk to Eric. The meaning of caution no longer made sense to me. Eric had no right to tell Sebastian.
"I told him exactly what happened," Eric said, leaning back in the chair to stare up and the ceiling. "I told him how you came on to me in the weight room knowing full well it was me." He smiled vacantly, pleased with himself. "You should have seen the look on his face." He chuckled again softly.
I began to shake my head. It was impossible. There was no way Eric could have done this. I had never seen such a display of vengeance and hate in my entire life. All of the taunting at school, every word that the Reverend had muttered about intolerance, even the beating I had almost received from Ryan and his friends. None of them measured up to this utter display of evil. "No," was all I could say. My whole body was trembling with fear. If Eric had said these things to his brother, Sebastian would....
"No? You don't think I could do this to you two?" He sat back up and placed in elbows on the desk, looking at me with a sick expression of joy and hate. "You were my play thing Trevor. You made this whole town worship and accept homosexuality and I fucked the person who had made it so. You hypocrite. You're everything about gayness that you preached against. I can't stand you. I hope Sebastian never comes back to you." He looked directly at me, knowing full well that there was nothing I could do to him in this place. He was untouchable.
My head was swimming in confusion. The whole time, everything we had ever thought about Eric, everything inside and around him had been a lie. Something horrible had been growing behind the hollow mask that we had all taken for granted. The tears were running down my face now. I felt like I was going to be sick. Eric just sat there watching my reaction with interest. He lifted his glass up to his lips and took another sip.
"I swear to god," I muttered, my voice shacking. I was on the verge of a breakdown. "If anything happens to Sebastian..."
He spun around in his chair to face the wall like he had been when I walked in. "You'll do nothing. Get the fuck out of my house." He took another sip of his drink and sat motionless. I ran out the room, my head still spinning. I had to find Sebastian. I rushed through the darkness, knocking into the terrifying statues and figurines. I kept muttering Sebastian's name frantically. He had to be all right. He had to...
When you ran away, Shannon tried to convince
me that we were wrong to try and help you all by ourselves. She said
you needed professional help, but I wouldn't hear it. I just knew
that I was the one that could pull you from your world of loneliness and
show you love.
I ran through the front door and out into the snow. I tripped over the shrubs in the front yard and went tumbling through the snow. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Eric's words were banging around in my mind. Had it really happened? Had we dreamed everything from the first day I laid my eyes upon Sebastian the angel? "Trevor," I heard someone scream. I picked myself out of the cold ice and looked up to see Shannon running out of her car. She must have just pulled up. "Oh my god Trevor," he screamed hysterically as she leaned down to me. "I was looking everywhere for you."
"What's happening?" I said, looking up and down the street. Something ran down my head and fell off the dip of my nose into the pure white snow. The white area was slowly becoming saturated with red.
"You're bleeding," Shannon said, putting her gloved hand to my head.
"Where's Sebastian?" I said, trying to pick myself up and finding that I was getting very dizzy and disorientated.
Shannon helped me up and I could finally see how scared she was. Tears were running down her face. "Trevor," she said, "Sebastian's in the hospital."
I'm scared what you will do when you read this and finally know what happened between me and Eric. I guess I should say I would understand if you never wanted to speak to me again, but I don't want to lie. I wouldn't understand. We were meant to be together Sebastian. You were my first, my last, and my only love. You have my heart and if you leave me, my heart goes with you.
We ran into the hospital, Shannon pulling me down the hallway. Everything was spinning by and I remembered the day Sebastian lead me through the woods. Yes, I remember, that was the first time I saw our special place. She finally stopped and I looked around and found that we were in some sort of waiting room. Sebastian's parents were there and they came up to us when they spotted us.
I was losing my balance so I sat down on one of the seats. Nothing made sense. I couldn't remember why we were in the hospital. "My god," Mrs. Reynolds said when she saw me. It looked like she had been crying too. What was going on? "We need a nurse over here," she screamed.
I leaned my head back in the seat and stared up at the ceiling. It looked like it was spinning. I thought I was going to be sick. I hope Sebastian never comes back to you. I suddenly remembered what Eric had said to me. I sat up and looked around for Sebastian. Was he here in the hospital?
A nurse leaned down next to me and placed a gauze on my head. "What's going on?" I said, looking from Shannon to Mrs. Reynolds to Mr. Reynolds. They had all been crying.
"Just relax," Mrs. Reynolds said, leaning down to me.
"Please Karen," I said, putting my hand on hers. "What happened to Sebastian?"
She bit her lower lip and looked away. "He..." She was once again fighting back tears. "He tried to kill himself." No. It was impossible. She was lying to me. I pushed the nurse off me and stood up.
"Where is he?" I said loudly. "I want to see him."
"We're not allowed in yet," she said. I looked over at Mr. Reynolds and I saw his gaze move to the door adjacent to the waiting room. I didn't need anything else. I rushed over to the door. Mrs. Reynolds and the nurse were both pleading with me to stop, but I went in anyway.
I stopped in my tracks when I saw him. He was laying on the bed motionless with a giant tube coming out of his mouth. He looked so pale. I lost all control at that moment and began sobbing as I rushed to his side. I had done this to him.
We thought it would be perfect and life would be carefree when we were first together, but we decided to embark on a mission that was bigger than both of us. Although you may not know it, we succeeded.
I took his hand in mine and collapsed on the floor. Mrs. Reynolds and the nurse didn't bother to remove me. They just stood in the doorway and watched helplessly. "You can't die," I kept muttering. I brought his hand to my mouth and began kissing it as if it would wake him up. My blood was dripping down my face and mixing with my tears to fall upon his hand.
Mrs. Reynolds came up and placed her hand on my shoulder. "There's nothing else we can do right now," she said quietly. I looked up at her and saw the complete look of helplessness in her eyes. It was as if she knew this day was coming and that it was only a matter of time. I wouldn't accept it.
"How did he do it?" I asked, not really wanted to know the answer.
Mrs. Reynolds looked down at her son for a while before saying, "He got into the medicine cabinet and took as many pills as he could." She began to fight back the tears again. I finally stood up and looked down at Sebastian, motionless and calm.
It was tough and we both now carry the burden of internal and external scars, but I would do it all over again, relive every confusing and heartbreaking moment because you were there. Because you made me feel alive. Because if I live to be one hundred years old, I'll never be alive like I was when I was with you.
Mrs. Reynolds stood there by my side with her arm around me for what must have been ten minutes. We both just stared at our prince, neither one of us knowing what to say. There was nothing we could do except wait now. I'm sure she wanted to know what happened that pushed him to this, but I'm glad she refrained from asking. There was no way I could tell her I had cheated on him with Eric, his twin brother. Just thinking it made me feel sick to my stomach.
"He should be all right," I said. I was trying to convince myself more than I was trying to convince his mother. There was no way he could die now that I was here by his side. He would wake up any minute and tell us it would all be okay.
As if he had read my thoughts, one of his eyes opened a fraction. My heart skipped a beat and his mother ran from the room to get a doctor. I leaned down. "Sebastian, can you hear me?" I wiped my eyes quickly as hope began to fill my hole that despair had left. I took his hand again and squeezed. "You have to come back."
The doctor and his nurses came back in with Shannon and Mr. Reynolds not far behind. The doctor quickly took all his readings. "It's amazing," he said. He pulled the tube out of Sebastian's mouth as he regained consciousness. "Now just relax," he told him. Sebastian's face contorted as he tried to say something. No sound came out though. With effort, he lifted his finger and pointed to me.
I came up beside him and looked down into his sky blue eyes and smiled. He just looked at me for a while and slowly began to form a single word with his lips. I didn't know what he was saying, so instead, I brought my lips down to his and kissed him gently.
I never told you this, but when I'm alone and I close my eyes, all I can see is you. All I can smell is your hair and all I can taste is your lips. At night, I'll sometimes look up at the sky and try and figure out which star is ours, but I'll give up when I realize that each and every one is shining just for us.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. An alarm sounded and the doctor pushed me out of the way. "What's happening?" Mrs. Reynolds screamed.
"Complete circulatory collapse," one of the nurses yelled. The doctor began slamming on Sebastian's chest and I backed up in shock as they began putting needles in him and screaming. I looked up at the monitor and saw flat line all the way across.
"Oh god," Mrs. Reynolds screamed hysterically.
"Get them out of here," the doctor shouted as he continued pounding. I backed up against the wall and froze. It was as if I wasn't here. It was someone else watching this scene play out and it certainly wasn't Sebastian that was dying in front of my eyes.
"His whole body is shutting down," one of the nurses said in disbelief. They led the others out of the room, but they must not have seen me against the wall, frozen with fear. My legs gave out and I slid down the wall to the floor.
I'm so sorry Sebastian. I can't lose you again.
"Okay, clear," the doctor yelled. They pulled out the paddles and began pumping electricity into his chest. "Still nothing," someone else said. "Go again!"
I need you.
"Clear." Another shock as Sebastian's body lifted off the table and went back down. I couldn't watch anymore, so I closed my eyes tight and put my face down on my knees. "Still nothing."
I love you.
"Brain functions have ceased." I heard the jolt again and heard Sebastian's body flop on the table. I dug my fingernails into my arm as hard as I could and I could feel the blood from my wound running down my arms and dripping down to the floor.
I love you.
"Ten minutes now..." My blood and tears ran down into my mouth and the saltiness mixed with the taste of defeat that had lingered ever since me and Eric's encounter. I could still see him sitting at his father's desk, the same empty expression that his father had worn a thousand times before. "All right," one of the men said. "All right... did everything we could... call it."
"Time of death... December 13, 5:34 P.M..."
All my Heart,