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Earth, As it is in Heaven
By: Roman Genesis
Bach's Cantata 147
What Eric had just said didn't seem real. It was is if he had said it to someone else about someone else. But he hadn't. He had said it to me. And it was about Sebastian. I sat there staring at the huge orange letters on the screen that spelled out 'Game Over.' I was in a complete state of shock.
Eric didn't say anything else. I guess he figured he didn't need to. I didn't look over at him, but I was pretty sure he was still staring at me, gauging my reaction. I pulled myself out of the trance I was in and quickly said, "Oh, I didn't know that." I said it just like that. Like it was the most normal thing in the whole world. Eric could have just told me his brother was really into classical music. Oh, I didn't know that.
The game started again and I began racing, but this time I was nowhere near the front of the line. I was swerving and running into things like a maniac. I couldn't concentrate on the game. I kept hearing Eric's words in my head. You know he's gay, right? The implications were far to great for me to comprehend at the moment.
Eric was still staring at me when Sebastian walked into the room. My car totally ran into a brick wall when he came in carrying the drinks. "Ouch," Sebastian said when he saw the way I was driving. He set a drink down in front of his brother and then took the seat on the floor next to me. I continued with my game, but with Sebastian on one side of me and Eric watching me critically from the other, my game was worse than the first time I had played. I couldn't take it anymore.
"Where's your bathroom at?" I asked Sebastian. My voice must have been shaking because he looked at me strangely before answering.
"Down the hall. It's that door we passed on the left."
"Thanks," I said. I stood up and began walking toward the door. I don't know what made me do it, but I glanced over at Eric before I walked out. His eyes were following me and he was looking straight through me, reading my thoughts. I escaped into the hallway and let my breath out. Once again I had been holding it without even realizing. Holy shit, I thought to myself. My mind was spinning and I stepped into the bathroom.
As much as I tried to rationalize, there was no way his brother had been lying. Why would he lie? Why would he tell me for that matter? Did he not like his brother? My thoughts were racing a million miles per second.
I walked over to the mirror and starred at myself. It had to be true. Sebastian was gay and that changed everything. I guess it should have been easier on me knowing that Sebastian was gay also, but it wasn't. We now had the disappoving and intruding eye of his brother on us for one thing. For another, maybe Sebastian just wouldn't like me, even if I was gay.
I suddenly stopped myself. Had I just called myself gay? Just because I liked Sebastian didn't mean I liked other guys did it? I sat down on the edge of the toilet seat and placed my head in my hands. This was getting so confusing. I don't know how I could go back in there with Eric in there as well. Maybe I could just tell Sebastian I wanted to go back to his room.
His brother obviously had wanted me to get upset about the fact that Sebastian was gay. He probably expected me get up and leave. Well, he was half right I suppose. I took a deep breath and headed back down the hallway. I still hadn't made up my mind about what I was going to do.
I walked in and saw that Sebastian was sitting on the floor playing the game and Eric was laying on his bed reading a different magazine. I looked over at Eric and our eyes met. Meeting Eric's eyes across the room was nothing like meeting Sebastian's eyes. All I felt from Eric was fear and discomfort. I wanted to be anywhere but near Eric.
I took the seat next to Sebastian and grabbed the other controller nervously. I wonder what Eric was thinking now that he realized I hadn't walked out of the house in disgust after receiving the news that his brother was gay. He probably knew more about what was going on inside my head than I did.
He suddenly sat up and went to his closet. "Hey, Sebastian. I'm going over to Andy's house for a while. Don't forget to turn that off when you're done." He grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. "See you later Prince." I turned around and looked at him and he looked right into my eyes. "I'll catch you later Trevor. Nice seeing you again." And then he was gone. The undertone of his comment to me was detectable only by me. Sebastian was oblivious, playing the game in his own little world.
I watched him race for a while in silence, but figured I should break the silence before things got to weird. I did it more for myself than I did for Sebastian. "Did he call you Prince?"
He looked over at me and blushed a little. "Yeah, our dad used to call us his little princes when we were younger." He looked back at his game and continued playing. I thought about the man I had seen down in the living room and tried to imagine him calling them his little princes, but found it hard to. The man downstairs had seemed so cold and unfeeling, like he had lost his will to live.
I sat there a while just watching him play and he finally turned to me and asked, "What's wrong?"
I froze up for a second. Was the turmoil inside me really obvious from the outside? "Nothing," I said as quickly as I could. He went back to his game, but I was only half watching the race. I was also watching him out of the corner of my eye. Sebastian was gay and all I wanted to do was reach over touch him. He probably would let me too. Why was I so nervous then?
He sped toward the finish line and raced through it, the huge lettering that spelled out "1st Place," covering the screen as he leaned back against the bed in victory. I sat there on the floor next to him and just watched him, the soft tune of the game playing the only thing making a sound.
He pulled his gaze away from the television to look at me. Our eyes met again and the silent tension between us was so intense. I wanted to kiss him right there. It seemed unfair that I knew that he was gay, but he didn't know I was. I was almost obligated to make the first move. I slowly reached over and touched the silver bracelet he had on his wrist. He visibly tensed up when I touched him. "That's a cool bracelet," I said. I began slowly spinning it around his wrist and he just sat there, watching the bracelet with interest, like it was doing it on it's own.
His hands were so delicate. Mine looked rough and deadly next to them. My fingers tips brushed around his wrist as I continued playing with his bracelet. The tiny blonde hairs on his arm stood up as I did. God, I was getting so excited. I knew any second we would be on his brother's bed making out. For a long time we just sat there, me playing with his bracelet in silence.
Soon though, I wanted more and I slipped my hand into his. If this wasn't enough clue for him that I was gay, I didn't know what was. I ran the palm of my hand over his, just barely letting the skin touch. It was the same thing me and Vanessa used to do when we first started going out, before she fell in love with my status and out of love with me.
We were both too nervous to look at each other so we both just looked down at our hands as if they were touching each other on their own and we were just spectators to this forbidden act. My dick was getting so hard and I knew it was going to be visible if I moved at all. I slowly began running my fingertips up his arm and I finally looked up at him.
He looked up and our eyes met again. He was so nervous. I could see his small chest rising and falling with each controlled breath. I began to reach over to touch his chest, but suddenly his eyes broke contact with mine and he stood up. "I'm going downstairs real quick," he stuttered. "I'll be... I'll be right back." He quickly walked out of the room leaving me there on the floor completely befuddled. Had I done something wrong?
Maybe his brother had been lying. Maybe I just made the biggest ass out of myself. I looked over at the television that still said, "1st Place." I wanted to walk out of the house and go ride back to my house. I couldn't believe I had totally come on to him without even knowing for sure if he was really gay. He probably went downstairs to tell his mom I had made a move on him.
I really had to get out of here. I stood up and began walking toward the door, but he rounded the corner and we slammed into eachother. "Oh, I'm sorry," we both said at the same time. We stood there and looked at each other nervously.
"Were you going somewhere?" he finally asked.
"No, I was just... I was just going to the bathroom." He stepped out of my way and I walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I closed the door and instantly began pacing back and forth. I had to leave as soon as I could without it looking too strange. God, if it got out that me, Trevor McClain, captain of the football team, had made a move on this kid, it was all over. No more parties, no more popularity. Probably no more football. I had to get out of here!
I walked back down to Eric's room and saw Sebastian standing by the window looking out. I was about to say I had to get home, but something about the way he was standing there made me stop. Once again, he was looking out with that same look of longing and hope I had seen a million times before. There was more to this kid than I knew about.
He turned around and looked at me and I once again began to say I had to go, but he got the first word in. "It's really nice out," he said. I just stood there so he continued. "You want to go outside or something?" His delicate voice sent shivers down my spine.
"Sure," I said smiling. Maybe I hadn't been wrong about Sebastian. We walked down the stairs and he called to his mom.
"We're going outside for a bit."
"Okay, don't forget your jacket," she called back from further in the house. I looked in the living room, but his dad wasn't there. I was thankful for that because he had given me the creeps.
We stepped outside into the bitter night air and pulled our jackets tight around us. We could actually see our breath it was so cold. We began walking down the street side by side, not really needing to say anything. Just being together was enough. The street lights were on and cast an eerie orange glow on everything. The trees that lined the street were mostly leafless now and we knew the first snow of winter wouldn't be far behind. Winter had come early this year, but I wasn't complaining. I loved the cold.
We stopped under one of the street lamps and Sebastian turned to me. He was shivering from the cold and I realized his jacket was a lot thinner than mine was. I guess he hadn't realized how cold it was going to be outside. "You want my jacket?" I asked him.
"No, I'm fine." He pushed his hands further into the coat pockets and in the light of the street lamp I could see his nose was turning red. He looked so innocent and cute. I unzipped my jacket and he began to protest. "No, I'm okay Trevor."
I spread the two sides and said, "Here, put your arms in here." He stopped shivering and just looked at me. Once again I was taking a risk, but I figured I had to know for sure where we stood. He reluctantly took his hands out of his pockets and slid his arms around my waist and laid his head on my shoulder. I closed the jacket around him and just held him close. I could have stood there like that forever.
We stood there for a while just feeling the comfort of each other and I slowly became aware that he was humming. I listened closer and I realized it was the same tune he had been playing on his cello when I came over. It was such a slow and tragic song the way he was humming it. I pulled him away just far enough so I could look in his eyes. His eyes were a little glassy and I wondered if it was just from the cold. He seemed to be troubling over something though.
He looked up at me and I couldn't control myself if I tried. I began to bring my face down to his, but right before I got to him he lowered his head slightly, so instead I just ran my cheek past his. It was the most sensual thing I had done in my whole life. "I'm sorry Trevor," he whipered. "I can't."
I just continued to hold him without saying anything, but I guess he figured I was waiting for an explanation. "I can't have my heart broken again." His voice was so soft and sweet right next to my ear. "I wouldn't be able to handle it."
I pulled him away again to look in his eyes, but he was to ashamed to look back. He looked past me, a look of defeat and shame in his eyes. "I won't break your heart," I said to him. "I couldn't if I tried." And I meant it to. At that moment, Sebastian meant so much to me. I was connecting with him in a way I have never connected with another person before. I pulled him back against me and held him tighter than before. I never wanted to let him go.
His body began to quiver and I realized he was crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. It pained me so much to feel him crying against me. Had I done something to upset him?
"I'm afraid," he said, trying to control his tears. "I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you."
His words sent a chill through my body. I held him tight and I suddenly realized that I was falling in love with him too. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Sebastian and I didn't care about Vanessa, or popularity, or football. I was in love with Sebastian. Nothing could ever change that. My eyes swelled with tears as I continued to hold him. I had never been this happy in my whole life. Sebastian continued to cry on my shoulder and I fought as hard as I could to fight back the tears of joy that were coming forth.
I opened my eyes and looked out to realize that tiny flakes of snow were falling all round us, catching the light of the street lamp above. I looked up and saw the snow falling gently past the lamp on it's endless journey toward us. We were no longer on earth. We were far away from this place in a land that man had only dreamed about in his most private and desperate dreams.
Sebastian followed my gaze up to the sky as we were both carried far away to our own personal heaven.