"That's about it, Doctor Stein." 

"Scott, I'm sorry to keep reminding you but, please call me Ron.  I like to keep things casual.  Besides, 'Dr. Stein' makes me feel very old." 

"I guess I keep forgetting.  Sorry, Ron." 

My parents both taught at universities.  When I came out to them, they sort of knew already, especially mom, and they both were pretty cool about it after a while.  But they were smart enough to know that kids need help dealing with other kids, and the things that go on in school, when you're gay.  I'd been seeing Ron once a week for about seven months now.  He knew me pretty well.  I still liked calling him Dr. Stein, better. 

"Now, Scott — about your brother, Brian — that's very interesting. 

"I didn't want to interrupt you, while you went through your story, but as you were telling me about your sexual activities with Brian, I couldn't help thinking, 'Was that real, or is this another one of Scott's recurring fantasies?'" 

I blushed.  I wanted him to believe it, but I knew better. 

"Fantasy.  It's fantasy, Ron."  Ron knew about most of my fantasies. 

I had always created sexual fantasies.  I needed that.  And my best one was this one, about Brian, about having sex with him and dominating him.  I jacked off to that, a lot, until I met Aaron.  Meeting Aaron changed a lot of things. 

"So how DO you feel about your brother?" 

"Oh, I love Brian.  That part's true.  I think we love each other more than any two brothers.  And we do get along great.  We do stuff for each other all the time.  He is very good looking.  I mean . . .  but . . .  the sex part, and treating him mean, we never really did anything like that." 

"Do you wish you had done those things with Brian?" 

"I don't know.  I just know I think about them.  I would never tell him though." 

"Scott, has there ever been any sexual contact between you and Brian, your brother?" 

"Yeah, the part about him teaching me to jack off was real.  We just never touched each other, down there, you know.  When he was teaching me, I wanted to grab him, but I didn't." 

"All the other details were real?" 

"Well, no . . .  we weren't like hot for each other, or anything . . .  he just showed me how to jack off.  We didn't think about it . . .  it just happened." 

"The kissing?" 

"Yeah, the kissing was real.  That was the only time we kissed that much." 

"But the conversation you recounted, that led up to it — your telling him that hardons were a pain in the butt, so to speak, that part was true, also?" 

"Yes." 

"I see.  But it happened when you were 12 and he was ten?" 

"Yes."  I blushed. 

"Tell me how you feel about that." 

"Well, uhhh . . .  that's kinda hard, I . . .  umm — " 

"Need to take a break Scott?" 

"Yeah, that would be good.  Is the Coke machine fixed yet?" 

"As a matter of fact, yes, it is.  Here's some change.  Have one on me." 

"Thank you doctor.  I mean, Ron!  Sorry!  Do you want one too?" 

"No, thanks.  I'm headed for the coffee." 

Ron smiled at me, and I was relaxing more.  A Coke sounded great, and I had to pee, really bad, so this break was perfect.  I knew Ron would get the truth out of me.  He always did.  I figured I had to tell him the truth, or else I was wasting my time trying to get him to know the real me.  But I liked telling him my fantasies, and he said it was important to tell him that.  This was the first time I tried to fool him into thinking it was real.  But I WAS going to tell him it wasn't true. 

The break just zipped by, and before I knew it, we were starting again.  I sat back down in the chair, in his office, and looked around, waiting for him to get back.  I burped, and I was glad I did it before he came back, because it was really loud.  I stayed in the chair, and looked at all the wall decorations and degrees hanging there, but I didn't feel right, getting up and staring at them. 

"OK, Scott.  How do you feel?" 

"Better, for sure."  I smiled.  I was a little nervous, but I smiled. 

"Good!" 

"Ron, this is weird, but, umm, is your degree in Psychology or Psychiatry?" 

I felt funny asking Ron that, but I figured, I should know.  I knew there was a difference.  I didn't know HOW I was going to tell Aaron that I saw a shrink once a week, but I decided I had to tell him — I was scared about that, but I knew when I DID tell Aaron, he would ask about the degree, because Aaron liked Psychology. 

"Psychiatry.  That's another way of saying a Psychologist with an M.D. degree — a doctor of medicine.  Like your primary care physician, or old-fashioned family doctor." 

"So it's like two degrees?" 

"Yes.  But I don't like to drug patients, if I can avoid it, so that's why I never wrote you any prescriptions.  Besides, you're a healthy, well-adjusted boy, and you don't need any medication.  At least not from my viewpoint." 

"That's good, right?" 

"Yes, Scott, it's very good." 

Ron smiled at me again.  That always made me feel warm and secure. 

"So, how do you feel about your brother, and your learning masturbation from him, when he was 10 years old and you were 12?" 

"I was thinking about that on the break.  I guess I'm still a little embarrassed about that." 

"Embarrassed within yourself, or embarrassed for others to know?" 

"I'm not sure.  Both, I guess." 

"What about the age difference?  You were two years older than Brian when he taught you to masturbate?  Two years exactly?" 

"Pretty much — our birthdays aren't that far apart.  I guess that was the main thing — him being younger than me.  I felt pretty dumb.  Plus, I wondered what Brian had been up to, for him to know so much.  But I was afraid to ask, then." 

"Did you ever ask your brother what he had done, or with whom?" 

"No.  He told me this one guy showed him.  That's all.  I liked my stuff private, I figured his stuff was private, if he didn't tell me." 

"Scott, a while back you said you thought your brother was cuter than you.  Do you still think that? 

"Yeah.  And he's bigger than me." 

"Bigger.  Taller?" 

"Yeah, and he's bigger . . .  down there, you know." 

"Yes, I know.  It's OK, Scott.  Do you have trouble putting a word to it?" 

"Well, here, I do . . .  with you, I mean." 

"OK.  So, would you say his penis is larger than yours, now?" 

"Yes."  I know I was really blushing a lot. 

"So you've seen him erect, recently?" 

"Yeah, he's not shy.  He jacks off in front of me, sometimes." 

"How do you feel about that?" 

"I like it.  It's like we can do anything in front of each other." 

"Where are you when he does that?" 

"In my room.  His room, sometimes." 

"Do you also masturbate in front of Brian?" 

"Yes, but I don't want to keep doing that." 

"Why not?" 

"I don't know.  I guess I don't have a reason NOT to, but . . .  I'm worried about Aaron." 

"Worried about Aaron?  The boy you thought you could fall in love with?" 

"Yes.  We're lovers now." 

"I see.  When did this happen?" 

"On Saturday.  I stayed over at his house Friday night." 

"I thought you said that Aaron was straight?  Or so you thought." 

"No, he's gay.  I found out in the shower Friday afternoon." 

"At school?" 

"Yes." 

"Can you tell me about that?" 

"Well, I . . . .  He wanted me to feel his abs, and I did, then he wanted to feel mine, and when he came over to me, he hugged me, and my legs got weak and I . . .  my knees got weak, so I slid down, against him, to my knees and . . .  well, his . . .  penis was right there, so . . . .  I sucked on it.  Just for a few seconds, though." 

My face was so hot from blushing, and I knew Ron could tell.  He looked sorry for me. 

"Just relax, Scott.  Have some water." 

"OK," I said, reaching for the glass. 

"Did anyone see you, in the shower, with Aaron?" 

"No.  I'm pretty sure.  Aaron was watching out for that.  He would've said something if someone spotted us." 

"What happened then?" 

"Aaron said not to do that there, in the shower, um . . .  sucking him, and he said we had to get the hell out of there, quick.  He told me later, he carried me to my locker.  The next thing I knew we were outside, walking to his car." 

"I see.  Why did he carry you?" 

"Well, I was sort of out of it, half passed out, I guess, and . . .  he just did." 

"What happened then?" 

"He drove me to his house.  His parents are in California for two weeks, so we were alone." 

"What happened while you were there?" 

"Well, it was almost the same as our shower at school.  We took a shower, but Aaron wanted to, um . . .  he sucked me off in the shower." 

I took another sip of water.  I felt so hot, sitting there. 

"Scott, are you comfortable talking about this?  You don't have to tell me everything at once." 

I was trying to adjust myself so my hardon wouldn't show. 

"Yeah, I'm fine.  It's fun to talk about it." 

It was making me horny all over again.  That part was fun. 

"How did you feel about what Aaron did to you, in the shower, at his house?" 

"How did I feel?  I liked it a lot.  I guess we both wanted the same thing, though." 

"Wanted the same thing?  How do you mean, Scott?" 

"I mean . . .  I wanted to do that to HIM.  I was surprised he wanted to do it to me first." 

"But you enjoyed it?" 

"Oh yeah, I loved it." 

"Aaron didn't ask you to do the same to him?" 

"No.  I think he was just going slow, not wanting to scare me.  I didn't want to say anything, so I just let him take the lead.  That's what I wanted — for him to do whatever." 

"I see.  So you were happy with that?  And got to do what you wanted later?" 

"Yes.  And I really liked it." 

"And Aaron?" 

"Um . . .  I'm sorry, I don't un—" 

"Did Aaron enjoy it, as well?" 

"Oh yeah, he said it was great!"  I was smiling big. 

"I see.  How long did you stay there with Aaron?" 

"From Friday after school, until Sunday around 5." 

"I see.  Were there any arguments, or conflicts between you and Aaron while you were there?" 

"Oh, no.  It's not like that with Aaron.  We always have good times when we're together." 

"So, you would say that the two of you were happy about your weekend, together?" 

"Yes." 

"You said you were worried, about Aaron.  Can you tell me about that?" 

"Yeah, worried about telling him." 

"What's to tell, you said you and Brian had masturbated in front of each other." 

"No, I mean that I, um . . .  come to see you." 

"Do you feel Aaron will object to that?" 

"He doesn't know!"  I started crying, really bad.  "I love him so much — I can't lose him, I just CAN'T!" 

I grabbed some Kleenex. 

"Scott, you want to stop?" 

"NO!  I got to figure this out." 

"All right, Scott.  How do you feel about his love for you?" 

"He loves me too.  I KNOW he does.  That's just it, I'm afraid he'll think I'm nuts, for REAL, if I tell him I'm going to a shrink.  Oh, I'm sorry Ron, I didn't mean to—" 

Ron was laughing.  "That's all right, Scott.  I don't mind all the synonyms for my profession.  Just go on." 

"I know he loves me a lot.  He was so worried that I was scared.  He took a long time to talk to me, and I knew he was horny, because, well, I mean, I—" 

"He was kind to you." 

"Yes." 

"What were you worried about?" 

"Oh."  Now I was really blushing. 

"Can you tell me about that?" 

"Sure, it uh . . .  he wanted to . . .  I mean I wanted it too, but uh . . .  he wanted to go inside me, you know, in my butt?" 

God, I could hardly say it.  I was shaking. 

"I know.  It's all right.  Can you go on?" 

"Yes.  Um . . .  is it OK to say, you know, f-u-c-k?" 

"That's fine Scott.  You can say it however you like." 

"That's all I could think of for a while, besides wanting to suck him.  I wanted him so bad.  I wanted him to . . .  fuck me." 

"That's why you were afraid?" 

"Yeah.  Aaron hadn't . . .  I read some stuff in a magazine, how you're supposed to loosen up first, and get your butt stretched, you know, with fingers up there, so that stretches you, and then, um . . .  you'll be a little looser so it won't be so hard, and maybe not hurt as much.  But Aaron was right there, I mean ready to . . .  go IN me, and he didn't . . .  he hadn't stretched me or anything, so I stopped him.  I was scared." 

"I see.  Was Aaron ok with that?" 

"Well, I could tell he was really . . .  really horny, and it would've been better if he could . . .  you know, keep going." 

"Yes." 

"So he caught his breath and we went to the kitchen and he talked to me." 

"Can you tell me about that?" 

"Oh, yeah!  He was wonderful.  He calmed me down and then he figured out how he could stretch me, with some throw-away rubber gloves, because I was afraid of . . .  I didn't want . . .  I didn't want his hand all messy.  Um—" 

"I understand, Scott.  I've had other patients explain this same thing to me." 

'Whew!' That was a relief! 

"Ok, well, that's good.  Well, anyway, he was so worried that I was scared, he took a long time talking about it with me, then I felt really good, and then, he . . .  fucked me." 

"Can you tell me about that?" 

"We used a condom, and um, he just . . .  he was real gentle, and it felt really good." 

"I see.  So would you say you were both happy with that?" 

"Oh yeah!  Very!" 

"What are your plans for the future?" 

"We wanna have our own place together, and a car together.  Stuff like that." 

"That's a big jump from being mid-way through high school.  But you feel as if Aaron and you are truly lovers?" 

"Yeah!  We even talked about that, and going through hassles, and stuff." 

"Do you plan to tell any of your friends that you and Aaron are a couple, now?" 

"No!  Aaron said we won't tell anyone.  I don't want to either." 

"I think you should keep it all to yourselves for a while, until you both have a chance to think it all though." 

"Yeah, that's pretty much what we want to do.  I don't know what we would do if anyone found out.  Aaron is the quarterback next year." 

"Yes.  I see.  How do you feel about going back to school, tomorrow?" 

"No different, really.  Just that I know I'll be happier, knowing I have Aaron and we love each other.  I even cooked for him." 

"That sounds good, Scott.  One thing more.  What about the phone call to Aaron, in your fantasy?" 

I blushed.  "That part was true.  I didn't have time to tell him much, I just said that me and Brian messed around.  I guess I don't know what he thinks I actually did with Brian, now that I think about it." 

"OK.  Are you going to tell him about you and Brian masturbating together?" 

"Yes, Ill make sure he knows the TRUTH." 

Ron laughed and smiled.  "That sounds very good, Scott.  This week, just be careful not to tell anyone yet.  Not Brian, not your friends, not even your mom for a while, OK, tiger?" 

After he said that, I didn't have the heart to tell him Brian already knew.  Brian and I tell each other everything.  Well, almost everything. 

"Yeah, but um . . .  I think my mom knows already." 

"How's that?" 

"I don't know.  Just stuff she said." 

"OK.  Even if she knows, Scott, don't say anything until she asks you." 

"OK, Ron.  Will do.  I think she played matchmaker, though, now that I think about it." 

"Oh really?"  Ron laughed.  "Well that will give us something to talk about next week." 

"OK, sure." 

"Just relax, be yourself, and enjoy your week, Scott." 

"OK.  Thanks Ron, you too." 

"See you next week, same day, same time." 

"Oh, can I use the bathroom, again?" 

"Sure.  Just use the one in the lobby." 

"Thanks.  Bye." 

—————

Mom was just pulling in to the doctor's parking lot, when I came out of the building.  I was glad she never pried into what Ron and I talked about, so I knew I wasn't in for any Q and A with mom.  That was a relief. 

"Well, how did it go, honey?" 

"Real good mom.  I always like talking with Ron." 

"Are you still feeling good about yourself, Scott?" 

"You mean about being gay, and the other kids?" 

"Yes, that, and, just you within yourself." 

"I feel really good, mom.  I know I have Ron to work things out with, and I know you and dad will listen, if I need to talk about something." 

"I'm so happy for you, honey.  I know this can be hard, but it will be all right." 

"I'm not worried mom." 

"Well, you better not be, Scott, I'm the worrier in this family." 

We both laughed.  "OK, mom, I didn't forget." 

"Oh, by the way, your brother is home." 

"Yeah, mom, he was there an hour ago when we left for Dr. Stein's — oh my God!  You mean Mark?" 

"Yes, honey, Mark." 

Mark was the black sheep of the family.  He's my twin.  My big wish, all my life, was that we could get along and do all the neat things identical twins do, like dress the same and confuse people, but Mark was a rebel.  He would never cooperate.  I used to joke with Brian, that they must've dropped Mark on his head in the hospital, because Mark is just the opposite of me, the way he behaves.  But that was my one, big disappointment, growing up.  I love Mark like the brother his is, but he's trouble. 

Every time he's home, there's some type of trouble.  Last time Mark was home, the police called.  They caught him spray-painting curse words on the back wall of the high school. 

Mom and dad put him in military school, the year before we moved here, so thank God, no one knew him.  I hated thinking about my brother that way.  I was embarrassed to admit it, but I was ashamed of my own twin.  Deep down, I hurt about that. 

I was so tense now, thinking I would have to be with Mark and entertain him.  Then it hit me.  Maybe this meant I couldn't see Aaron. 

"Mom can I still go to Aaron's, today?" 

"Sure you can.  I think Mark is meeting friends at the mall today.  I hope he stays out of trouble this time." 

"Oh Wow!  Thanks mom.  Yeah, I hope he does too.  Did he say who he was going to hang out with?" 

"Charlie Treadman and that Rob boy." 

"Oh.  Those guys are into pot, mom.  I hope Mark's not into that." 

"I hope so too, Scott." 

—————

It felt good, walking in the door, just to get home, and knowing I didn't have to face Mark, for a while. 

Brian came running down the stairs just as I walked in. 

"Scott!  Hey, Mark came home!" 

"Yeah I know.  Mom told me." 

"You should see him, he looks different." 

"Oh God, what now?  Does he have a tattoo on his nose, or something?" 

"No.  He looks pretty good.  He's not wearing those weird clothes anymore.  He looked kinda normal." 

"No shit, Bri??" 

"Really.  That's what I thought." 

"How was he acting?" 

"Not bad, Scott.  He looked pretty happy.  I think he quit drinking.  His face looked a lot better, more like you, now." 

"That's cool.  Did you guys fight?" 

"Nope." 

"That's weird.  What did he say to you?" 

"Nothin much, just he was going to meet Charlie and Rob." 

"Yeah mom told me.  I didn't know he knew Charlie and Rob." 

"I just hope he doesn't spray paint the mall." 

"Brian!  He didn't take my bike, did he?" 

"No, he was walking." 

"Whew!  I'm glad to hear that.  Real glad." 

"Scott, I got a bag of marshmallows.  You wanna go do a fire in the back yard, tonight, and toast them?" 

"With Mark, too?" 

"Sure, if he's here and he wants to." 

"Yeah, sure.  I should be back early, Bri." 

"Oh, you going back to Aaron's?" 

"Yeah" 

"So what do you guys do over there?" 

"Sssh!  Brian, not so loud,"  I whispered.  "Mom can hear us." 

Leave it to my brother Brian, to hit the embarrassing question on the first try, and mom within earshot. 

"Sorry, Scott." 

"Oh, different workouts, mostly.  I gotta train for football, and I know Aaron's the best one for that."  I said that for mom's benefit. 

"So you don't wanna work out with me, anymore?" 

I didn't know if Brian meant it, or if he was playing along with me.  I had to hug Brian at this point.  He was so cute and he looked so sad. 

"Sure, I want to work out with you, Bri!  I'll be too tired out if I do too much today, but — why don't we do some presses now, and Wednesday night, I'll be home, and we'll do the whole routine." 

"OK, sounds cool, Scott!  I'll get the water bottles." 

We always drank tons of water, especially for a workout. 

Down in the basement, we started, with me spotting for Brian. 

"You know, Bri, I didn't tell Dr. Stein you were gay, yet." 

Brian was quiet for a while, and I regretted saying anything. 

"Scott, are you ashamed of me?" 

"No, Brian!  Nothing like that.  I love you.  You're my brother and I'll always love you." 

"Why didn't you tell him?" 

"I didn't want him to think you made me gay, Bri." 

"Oh, that's cool." 

That was the funny thing about Brian.  One minute something was like the most important thing in the world, and the next minute, it was no sweat. 

"Look, I'm proud of you Brian.  I'm proud you're my brother and of you as a person.  And I'm telling Dr. Stein next week.  Now watch out — you're going to tip that!" 

Brian gave me this big smile.  He finished up his sets and we were switching places.  I looked up at Brian and saw him staring at me. 

"Well?" he said, like I knew what he meant. 

"What?" 

"Are you going to tell me, Scott?" 

"Tell you what?"  By then I had figured it out — he wanted to know about me and Aaron, but I didn't let on." 

"Scott, you know!!  Don't make me beg." 

"Beg!  On your knees!" 

Brian got on his knees with his silly grin.  "Oh!  Dear, sweet, brother, Scott.  Forsooth it to forsaketh, and slay the dragon, just take my poor hand, that's all I want." 

We both cracked up.  Brian was making fun of me and my Shakespeare.  I had to give him credit — Brian was so fun, he could catch on and play along with anything. 

"Dear brother, you shall have your wish.  Only that you should ask, oh sweet one." 

"OK, Scott.  Enough of that.  How was Aaron?  You KNOW I'm dying to know." 

"He was WONNNNDERFUL!" 

"Oh God!  Come on, TELL me!!  Did you get to—" 

"Oh YEAH!  We sucked each other!" 

"Damn!  ...........Well did you like it?" 

"LIKE it?  We were so horny!  I loved it.  He is SO COOL!" 

"GOD, Scott, he's such a hunk!  You really did it!!  I can't hardly believe it!! 

"Oh yeah."  I was half off in dreamland by then, just telling Brian about it. 

"Did you get to . . .  I know you wanted Aaron to . . .  did he .  . . " 

"Oh YEAH!!!  He fucked me!  Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!!!" 

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  Oh my GOD!!!  You gotta tell me how that was, Scott, please.  You gotta!!" 

"It was like you wouldn't believe.  That one magazine, where the guy goes half nuts when he's getting it from the football player?" 

"Yeah." 

"It was like that, Bri.  Bells and whistles, everything." 

"Wowwwwwww!  How did it feel?  Did it hurt?" 

"No!  I mean just a little, but no!  Brian, it felt sooooooo good.  Way better than I expected but, well, I guess I didn't know what to think it would feel like but—" 

"Ohhhhhhhh . . .  ohhhhhhhhhh . . .  now I'm jealous of my big brother." 

"You are huh?" 

"Well, yeah a little, Scott.  You know how I think Aaron is so hot.  I used to dream about him." 

"I know." 

I was starting to feel bad.  Brian had fantasies about Aaron, way before I ever told Brian that I wanted Aaron.  I had to get Brian's mind off Aaron. 

"Brian, what about Tommy Forrester?" 

"Mmmm!  Tommy Forrester!"  Brian was sounding dreamy now. 

"Yeah, he's big and cute, Bri.  Is he the same age as you?" 

"Yeah.  I got to see him naked twice, last week." 

"Yeah, I can tell, from your shorts, you must've seen something." 

"Oh yeah, I'm hard, huh?" 

"Yeah, well look, Bri.  Me too." 

We both blushed, but we liked to play around, like this. 

"Don't touch me, or I'll tell mom."  Brian said, with his little boy voice. 

"Don't touch me, or I'll tell mom."  I said, with a much superior little boy voice. 

Then we both lost it! 

"Hey Scott!  Mine's bigger 'n' yours!  Ha Ha!!" 

That was it.  I had to tickle Brian now.  He needed to be taught a lesson.  Bad enough he was younger, and taller than me, but throwing it in my face that his dick was SLIGHTLY bigger than mine — that was too much.  But I was still stronger. 

I pounced on top of Brian, and grabbed his ribs.  He was laughing himself red in the face, and yelling, when the phone rang.  I ran to the phone, and Bri took off for the bathroom.  He always had to pee when I tickled him. 

"Yeah, well I'm not done growing yet," I yelled after him. 

At least I got the last word.  I picked up the phone. 

"Hello?"  I said, out of breath, but sounding real casual. 

"Brian?" 

It was Aaron.  'Why is he asking for Brian?'

"Aaron, why are you ask—" 

"Brian, you sound like your brother." 

Aaron was making no sense. 

"Aaron!  It's ME, SCOTT!" 

"Cut it out, Brian.  Come on, I want to talk to you, dude!" 

"Aaron!" I almost shouted, "It's not Brian. It's me!  You want me to tell you what we did last night?" 

I was totally confused.  Why did I have to prove who I was?  Aaron knew my voice, or I thought he did. 

"Holy shit, little dude, it is you!" 

"Yeah!!  Who else?" 

I thought, 'Why is Aaron doubting me?' His voice sounded really weird. 

"I thought you were here." 

Now, I knew Aaron was tricking me — one of his games, for sure! 

"Nope.  I'm not there, Aaron . . . .  I'm here!"  I said, laughing pretty hard. 

"Then who the fuck is that in my bedroom?"