Date: Mon, 7 May 2007 19:24:25 -0700 (PDT) From: Dan R Subject: Me and Justin 13 I've kept the title of this to Me & Justin because even though he was pretty shitty to me, I now realize he is why I am who I am. I switched around names to protect those who might figure out this story. School was done for the year. I would be turning 16 in a couple of weeks. I already went with my Dad to get my learners permit for driving so I could be ready to take my test on my birthday. I had also saved up almost $800. I wasn't going to get a great car, but I could have gotten the Flintstones care and I would have been happy with that. Sean and my friends had helped me through my hockey depression throughout the year and I was back to being my self again with everybody. I was finally able to work as a real cashier at the gas station, so that was cool. I usually worked in the mornings, so that left me free to train and be with Sean and my friends in the afternoon. I also started going up to my parents cabin more with them. I wondered why I never really went that much before. It was really nice, on a lake in northern Minnesota. I liked to fish and sometimes hunt, so I decided to spend more time up there this summer with or without them. I would have my license and car, so I could do whatever I wanted to! I did manage to pass my drivers test and my folks had a drivers license/birthday party cook out for me. All my friends and family showed up and we had a good time eating the burgers and brats, and sneaking beers into our plastic cups. We had a small hill in our backyard, so we took our beers and sat down on the hill looking into the woods. Sean had started to smoke for some reason. I didn't like to smoke, but I liked the smell of it. I started chewing Skoal, which was the guy trend at the time. Wish I never started that habit, I can tell you that. We all sat back watching the sunset and talking about the summer and how were going to train and skate more. Me and Sean held each other close as he smoked on another cigarette. We heard his dad yell to us that it was time to go, so I gave Sean a kiss and he left with his parents. The next day I had to work at the gas station. It was a Saturday and I had to get there by 5am. Had to get up early because all the people fishing would be looking for bait early. I hated waking up early, that is for sure. I got to the station at about 4:45 and the manager was already there opening up. The day was hot and windy. Supposed to be some big storms later in the afternoon, which was normal for Minny. The manager turned on the all radar channel in the store so customers could keep an eye on the weather. The manager, Andy told me to go and get the bait part of the store ready, which meant I had to scoop up and dead minnows and feed them etc. I heard the door open and looked around and it was Sean and his dad. I had never seen them here before, at least not in the bait shop. They came over and Sean told me his dad just bought a new bass boat and they were going out on the lake to go fishing that day. I held up a big leach to Sean and asked him if he could bait his own hook. He must have jumped about 20 feet backwards. "Damn it BRIAN! Keep that thing away from me. " I just laughed and could tell his dad probably didn't know much about fishing, so I helped them pick out what they would need, gave them some tips on where to fish the lake. I told them that the weather radar channel was predicting storms today and they said they knew. They left with their stuff and took off. Lucky Sean, I thought. Wish I was fishing today instead of scooping up minnows all day It was pretty busy that day, so it went by quick. I got a call from Sean's mom asking me if I had seen the two of them, and I told her that I hadn't since really early. She sounded concerned because it started raining pretty hard and the wind was whipping all over the place. About 11, Jeff and Ryan came in the store with bad looks on their face. I just figured they were mad that the rain cancelled whatever plans they had. "Hey Brian, ummm, we need to talk man." Jeff said. "Ok, hold on a sec, I gotta check something out in the back." I said "No man, we really need to talk to you now." He said back. "I don't know how to say this, but my dad heard that Sean and his Dad's boat just washed up on the Island." "Nobody knows where they are." Jeff's dad was a reserve officer on the weekends and usually worked on Saturdays. "I'm sure they are ok. I mean, they had a brand new boat and everything. I saw it this morning. It was really cool. I said. "WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME BRIAN! When they turned over the boat, they found Sean dead. He was drowned or something. They haven't found his dad yet!" and he started to cry, so did Ryan. The feeling of what I just heard overwhelmed me. I was shaking and sat down trying to figure out what they just said. "It's gotta be a mistake. How could he drown? No way there has to be a mistake or something." I hoped. "Brian, it's true. My dad saw Sean when they pulled him out of the boat. I wish it wasn't true, but it is." He was still crying. Even though I had a car, I just took off running towards Sean's house. It was about ½ mile away from the service station. Soon I saw Jeff coming up behind me and he told me to get in. "Where are you going?" He asked. "Sean's house. I gotta know for sure." I said. So he drove me over to his house. I jumped out and opened the gate and we drove up. There were a bunch of cop cars and stuff there. Reality sunk in. This was for real. This wasn't a dream. We walked up to the door like we did 1000 times before. It was ajar, so we just walked in. I saw Sean's mom in the kitchen and she ran to me and just held me close. I was super wet, but she didn't care. We were both sobbing uncontrollably. The feelings I had in my gut at that moment, I will never forget. It was tied so tightly all I could do was cry. The one person in my life that I wanted to be with forever was gone. It was surreal. I could see the front door from where we were and I just hoped beyond some hope that he would come walking through. But then I saw his brother come walking through the door. Oh man I thought. All my feelings had to be 1/10th what he and his mom felt. Later that day, we were told that they found Sean's dad's body floating in the lake, and he was dead too. My parents were up north, but somebody had called them and they came to Sean's house and picked me up. By this time I was a total wreck and I remember my parents driving me home with me in their back seat all curled up in a fetal position. My parents were really quiet. They knew me well enough to know that there was nothing they could say at that moment that would make me feel any better. Anything they said would probably make me feel worse. When we got home, I went down into my bedroom and saw some of Sean's shirts laying on my floor. I grabbed a couple of them and laid down on my bed holding them. Smelling them. They smelled of Drakar and cigarettes. His usual scent. I just laid there and cried all night long. I don't remember sleeping at all, but I must have because when I woke up, I still had Sean's shirts on my chest and my pillow was a puddle of wet. Why? Of all the people in the city or state that had been out fishing that day, did the one person that I loved more than anything have to die? How was this possible. I couldn't comprehend it. I don't think I've ever really comprehended it either, to this day. I heard a light knock on my door and my brother walked in and sat on my bed. "I don't know what to say to you Brian." He said. I just nodded at him and he laid next down to me and held me close and I started sobbing again. He rubbed my shoulders and I just let it all out. I felt a little better after that and I went upstairs to find my parents, Jeff, Ryan and their parents milling around the house. Everybody was really quiet. I felt really uncomfortable. I knew they were hurting too, he was their friend too. I went into the kitchen and my mom was there cooking things, and she saw me and hugged me and told me that somehow we were going to get through this. I just nodded. I asked him why everybody was in our house and she said they were concerned about me, but they were going to check on Sean's mom in a little while. I went to the back step and Jeff and Ryan followed me out there. We just sat there holding each other. We all experienced a big loss in our life. I knew that if anybody could help me fill the hole that Sean was going to leave in my life, these were the two guys that would do it for me and visa versa. Their parents came over and said the were going over to Sean's house, but Jeff and Ryan said that we wanted to stay together that day and night and that they wanted to spend the night at my house with me. They agreed and told them to call them if they needed anything. We spent the day and night with idol chit chat and we all slept together in my bed holding each other. I don't know what I would have done that night if they weren't there. We woke up still feeling really bad, of course. My stomach still had that tight feeling. It hadn't gone away. I didn't know if I could cry anymore though. It hurt to cry, but it hurt so much. I went to the bathroom and took a shower. I just needed to wash away everything on my body. I went upstairs leaving Jeff and Ryan to sleep. My folks were at the kitchen table and looking at me kindoff weird. I knew they had no idea what to say to me. I gave them a wave and poured a bowl of cereal. It occurred to me that I hadn't eaten anything since the day before yesterday. I sat down and considered my options in life. I knew that I was going to be miserable no matter what. Then it occurred to me that I could kill myself too and that we would be together for ever in heaven. I thought about that for awhile and decided that I couldn't do that to my friends and family. How would that make anything better anyways. What happened if I went to hell for being gay. "Mom. Dad? Did they say when the funeral was going to happen?" I asked. "I don't know honey, but probably on Tuesday." My mom said. "If it's ok with you two, could I go up to the cabin for awhile. I just need to be away and alone for awhile." I asked. "Sure, you take as much time as you want." My dad said. "We aren't going up there this weekend, so you will have the place to yourself." The funeral was in fact on Tuesday. It was for both Sean and his dad. His mom asked me to do the eulogy, but I couldn't do it. I could barely even walk into the church, let alone speak to a full church. When I walked into the church with my parents and brother, there were two caskets around the corner. I was doing everything I could not to cry, but it seemed the harder I tried not to cry, and worse it got and I finally just let go. My dad held me close and told me to let it out. He told me that crying was good. It's not good to hold things inside. "Dad, I don't know how I can go over and look at the casket. This is going to be the last time I ever see him again in my whole life." I said. "Brian, just take it slow. Talk to your friends, you will know when the time is right. But if you don't, believe me, you will regret it for the rest of your life." He said. I nodded and let go of him and cleaned up my tears. His mom and brother were standing in the entry way greeting people. Behind them were several boards full of pictures of Sean and his dad. There were a lot of pictures of me and him. Every one of them, we were smiling. I looked at them thinking that we never really had a fight, well except for the first time I met him. Every picture with me and him, we were hugging each other and smiling like there wasn't a care in the world. I wonder if he knew how much I was hurting now. I wonder if he was hurting too that we weren't together either. I know it was a bad thing to think, but at least he was with his Dad wherever he was. I finally turned the corner into the church and saw the caskets. They were head to head with Sean's furthest away. I kneeled down to his dad's casket and begged him to take care of Sean. I knew he would. I told him how much I loved his son and that if he needed my help, then tell god to take me from earth somehow to help. I was serious too. I looked to my left and there was Sean's casket. I found the strength to walk over to his casket and I saw his face. He has a little smile on his face. Man, he was only 16 like me and he was dead. It could have been me laying there. I kneeled down on the casket and just looked at him. I could feel a hundred pair of eyes on the back of my head. I knew they were loving stares. I just looked at his sweet face and wished that we could have one more day together. I kneeled there for what seemed like forever. I didn't want our last time together to ever end. My dad came over and patted me on the back and told me that it was time to start the service. I don't really remember much about it. Everything was a fog. A catholic funeral is pretty much like a catholic mass. Not much to it. After the service, we all congregated to the entry way where the pall bearers were carrying out the caskets. Jeff and Ryan were pall bearers for Ryan, plus his brother and a few other people who I assumed to be his cousins. His dads casket was carried by people I didn't recognize, but assumed they were friends or relatives. When we got to the cemetery, they had another little ceremony. I was holding my mom and dad. Ryan and Jeff were holding their parents as well. The priest threw the dirt and blessed the caskets with holy water. They said prayers and that was it. Everybody started to break up and talk. There was going to be a luncheon back at the church, but I didn't want to leave. I moved away from my parents and looked down at the casket of Sean. It was raised up on something over the hole that he was going to be buried in. I didn't know what to think. This was the last time that he was going to be above ground for me. His casket was metal. A bronze colored casket. Him and his dad had the same ones and were going to be buried next to each other. I just sat there in the grass looking at them. Not really wanting to leave, but knowing that the time was coming to do so. I saw my parents coming towards me, so I got up. We were going to go back to the church for the luncheon and then we would go over to Jeff's house for awhile. Then go home. I pretty much just walked as a zombie and did whatever people told me to do. That night, I asked Jeff if maybe we should get away for awhile. He said that would be a good idea, so we decided that me, him and Ryan would go up to my parents cabin for the week. We needed to be alone together. Us best friends minus one, needed to heal together. Sorry for the sadness on this, but that is what happened. Take the good with the bad.