The Queen of Gay Romance”


This is my disclaimer for 2009 folks! As you know, I change them, so please read and smile!

This is a fictional character. I'll say that until I'm blue in the face and yet, someone will write to me and tell me I've got something wrong, or he/she is that character, or they're going to sue me because their client has a family member with that name.

I can put disclaimers on a story all day long and still, I get someone who is just about nuts who will do the above paragraph. It makes no sense to me, but apparently, there are people who take themselves so seriously they want to be a fictional character. Well to those of you who choose to be that way, go read someone else's story and be a fuck-tional character.

By the way, if you're reading this to jack off (Adam Curtis). I'll smile and you hold it in your hand and read until the end. If you've spilled a load (Edd Howes), I bet it wasn't reading a scene here! Everyone else who knows my writing is probably laughing their asses off right about now...I know I'm chuckling!

If you can hold it in your hand and type, then please BY ALL MEANS write me an email and send a photo of it. I want to see the man's appendage which can write, type, and just plain want to know it better!

If your appendage says it's straight, get a clue and get to a different site. If you're that confused, go to your search engine and type in Mental Health Help and seek the one in your area. Your appendage has my permission to cut and paste.

Just to make it an official disclaimer, if you're above the age of 18...great. If you're 118, super great...put a napkin over the keyboard and you won't get any drool on it.

If you're under the age of 18, please find the off switch on your computer and press it. It'll make your day and mine a lot brighter.

If you come back to this site when it reboots, please repeat until you lose interest. If it takes more than once, get a clue you dumb fuck!

Notes From RettaMichaels:

PlayMaker is written as a period piece. The lead character is writing his memoirs at the end of his career in this day and time. Please read it as such as I've really got no time to correct people for what is obvious.


Chapter Twenty Four:

We pulled up in front of the distributorship and parked. He said, “Let me do the talking and just stay close. If it gets squirrelly, we leave and phone the authorities.”

Ok, I'll keep my cell handy. I'll also speak if things go bad.”

I'm not sure that would bode well.”

It will.”

On the way in, I saw pumpkins spelling out 'Welcome To Meister Stein' engraved into the sides like one does the face. It gave me an idea. I pulled out my phone and called Jan.

Jan, we need pumpkins carved with our players numbers on them. Also, I need a small football shaped pumpkin which weighs approximately that much for my football throw. We might not be home, but I'm going to get everyone into the mood of Halloween whether they like it or not.”

It's Sunday night.”

I know. That's why I want to do the pumpkins. If they want, I'll play it up in big ways for the holidays.”


Plays on my name. “Jake-o-lantern, Jake Frost nibbling on your nose, etc...etc...etc...”

You're a nut.”

Get us pumpkins. If I gotta, I'll make an assembly line of it and have everyone going nuts with them.”

She laughed, “I'll get you pumpkins. Do you want orange tights?”

Yeah, but I want a pumpkin costume too. If you can get me a little green hat, that'd be cool.”

You're going to dress as a pumpkin?”

Yeah, but we need four orange sheets.”


So our guys can hold them up and I can dress out while I'm out on the field. It's funny. It's clean, and it's sort of sexy.”

She laughed, “Ok, I'll get them.”

We went inside and Pete said, “I want Schwartz found and I want him here now.”

I'm sorry Mr Stein, he said he wasn't going to sit around and have you highjack his company.”

I pulled out my phone, and dialed, “Hello, I need you to do me a favor. Would you do what you can to find the Schwartz guy who runs Meister Stein distributors?”

You don't want much, do you?”

No, but I figure you would have a direct line to your guy who could find him under a rock in this town.”

I'll see what I can do. Where was he last seen?”

At the distributorship about....”

The secretary said, “Ten minutes.”

....ten minutes ago.”

Ok, What's he driving?”

Hang on.”

What's he driving?”

A white Cadillac Seville.”

White Cadillac Seville.”

A new one or a hump back one.”

A new one or a hump back one?”

A new one. We get them every year.”

It's new.”

Ok, so it's a baby Seville.”

Yeah, find him and I don't care if you total that car, you bring him to the distributorship.”

I'll get it done.”


I hung up and said, “He'll be here.”

Pete turned to the receptionist. “We need a box and we need the books. If he's not going to pack himself, I'll sure get it done.”

He being fired?”

He was told he lost his distributorship and his certificate was pulled. Take the certificate and get it mailed to St. Louis.”

Yes sir.”

This young fella here is your new distributor. He's got a manager coming who has some experience.”

Yes sir.”

I smiled and put my arm out and patted her arm, “Hon, it's ok, no one is being fired who doesn't need to be fired.”

Instantly, I got flashes of the conversation and a lot which was wrong with the place. I pulled out my phone and dialed again, “Yeah.”

He's headed to your boss. You tell your boss the man isn't going to be protected. IF he wants to attempt to protect him, he'll deal with me calling him meaning your boss out on national television and putting all his dirty laundry out there. He's to be brought back here and he's to have his medicine taken just like anyone else would who messed up that bad.”

I'll pass along the message.”

Save the car if you can, but if not, I don't care how badly it's damaged. If you need, you crush the nose of it in a trash truck and you haul it back here with that man riding in it. You got me?”

He laughed, “Yeah, that's going to be amazing.”

It would be, but it'd get my point across.”

I hung up and said, “Ok, we're going to play a game of hard ball.” I smiled and said, “Guys, line up.”

Pete said, “You heard him. If he's ready to start questioning and firing, then I'm all for it.”

I picked up a crystal paper weight from a desk. “If you don't know me, I'm Jake Martin. I'm quarterback for the Angels and I don't miss what I throw at. I throw at a hundred and some miles an hour, so we're going to begin a game of question and answer. If I suspect you're lying, I'm going to chuck this at your nuts. If I think you've told the truth, we'll go along to the next guy.”

You can't do this shit!”

I turned and threw the paper weight. It hit him in the nuts and he went down. “I think I just did asshole. Stand up, gather your shit, and get out. You're fired.”

I turned to the receptionist and said, “On his personnel file, you put the man has embezzled two hundred and thirty thousand dollars. In his drawer over there is a passport from his last trip to Cancun which was paid for by a buyer who gets special favors for him providing travel to the man.

You go take a look at the man's house and you'll see he just built a six hundred thousand dollar house on a forty thousand a year income. You figure it out, but I'd say he was banking on making embezzlement a sideline of his business for quite some time.”

I turned and picked up a beer stein. “Ok, the next item to be thrown is a beer stein. It's a bit weighty, so I'll try to get the metal lid of it to hit your groin first. Do I have any takers?”

No one spoke. “Bud Grove, come on down, you're the next employee in the game called, “This is your crime!”

The man looked scared. I said, “Bud, you can tell me what I know, or you don't have to, but silence will be deemed a lie and the stein will fly.”

What do you want to know!”

What you've done here which will necessitate your firing?”


Bud, let me ask the questions since you suddenly went stupid. It'll be a whole lot less painful and a whole lot neater if I don't have guys laying all over this office. Do you steal from this company?”


I threw the stein up in the air and caught it. “Bud, it's about to fly. When it flies, you fall and I lay it out into your file anyway.”

I've taken company property home.”

You've taken company property home, and you've taken company property home to most of your friends. It's so common you're friends all have home bars and rec rooms full of the stuff. It's great for advertising if they bought the beer, but you even steal that stuff. Right?”


I threw the stein and it shattered right next to his head. His eyes bulged out and I said, “Bud, that missed on purpose. The amount you've stolen is over nine hundred thousand dollars counting the kegmeisters, the neon signage, and the display advertising.

Since seven hundred dollars worth of goods stolen is a felony, I'd say each and every item constitutes a new case. Shall we see how long you lay in jail?”

I'll get it all back.”

Wrong. You'll get all your stuff out of your desk and you'll trot your ass on down to the unemployment office where you'll tell them you stole from your employer and there won't be unemployment or any retirement coming. You think about that because February was your retirement date.”

I backed up and said, “Willard Jameson. Come on down!”

The guy looked at me and said, “I'll quit!”

Then quit, but before you quit, I want you to know you're fired.

I want you to know those accounts you're stealing from are all going to be notified you're stealing from them. They and us will sit together and we'll see how much we owe them. Since you've got that account in your name, I'll need to contact the prosecuting attorney and level charges to confiscate it as evidence.”

I turned to the receptionist and said, “I hope you're getting this down because I really need to tell you an account number and the bank it's located.”

Ok, I've got a pen and paper 73882642351. The routing number is: 4297662623. In that account is nearly three million dollars. Put down the name of Krogers, Liberty Bell, and Rocky. You also need to put down the college's account and you need to put on there the University Student Center account.”

He looked shocked, I smiled, “Yeah, I hit every one of them on the head. Now, three fucking guesses how I did it and I'll tell you if you didn't guess I read the back of your skull as all the information rattled around, you're dumber than owl shit.

All you other guys, if you think I don't know the goods on you, think again. This is a nest of vipers in here and the amount of theft is just insane. All of you thought you'd get it off and all of you helped to cost that man his distributorship. IF you think I'll allow you to rob me blind, think again. I can train and hire a helluva lot cheaper than I can afford to keep you around.”

I turned to Pete and said, “The drivers are involved in most cases. All of them share the loot. This place has a reputation for being in with the mafia and that's how they get by with it. In fact, some of the mafia's henchmen are called in to enforce the take if someone wants to contest their business being stolen from.”

How many accounts have we lost?”

She's got a file of closed accounts four file cabinets full. A lot of people are unhappy with this place and it goes back dozens of years.”

Is she clean?”

Aside from gifts these guys give her, she's surprisingly clean. Now, mind you some of those gifts are quite lavish since she's the mother in law of your fella.”

Do you want to keep her?”

Hang on a second, I'm going to see.”

I flashed through my mind and saw a lot of things. She'd stay faithful and loyal and surprisingly, she wouldn't even discuss anything with her family when asked.”

Keep her and prosecute the rest.”

I went over and said, “Millie, I wasn't lying there. I saw a lot of things but the one thing which allowed me to keep you is your faithfulness and loyalty to not even asking questions when they were asked of you in the future.”

She nodded, “Work is work and home is home. I never asked for anything.”

I know and I'm not going to ask for anything back. Call the Sheriff's department and tell him we need a paddywagon down here for a bunch of embezzlers. Tell him we'll also need the prosecuting attorney because our books and accounts have to be gone through in order to find the theft. You'll also need to get the state auditor in here since there's tax monies involved.”

Pete put his hand to his forehead. “Man!”

Pete, I'll get everything flagged and highlighted. You'll be amazed at how fast I can get this stuff gone through. It's going to take the better part of tomorrow morning, but we'll have it done so it's able to be handled easily by the authorities.

Now, what I'd suggest is you figure out what we'll need here for two weeks worth of operation and get it out in some refrigerated trucks. I'll use the delivery trucks here, but I'm going to have to beg, borrow, and steal some drivers.”

I'll start calling around. Is this one out of business?”

It's out of business because it needs to die. Of everyone, there are only going to be seven employees I'm keeping. All the rest are having charges. One guy just started and his thefts don't total enough for a felony, but he's gone also.”

Ok, I'll need to have my people come out here and find us another location.”

319 Dimension Place. It's in an industrial complex. It's got everything we need.”

You just pulled that out of the air?”

Yeah, it shoots to me when things like this are needed. Now, that address is for sale, but it's a bit pricey. It's got plenty of room for future expansion which you'll be doing in upcoming years.”

Ok, I need to call my people in St. Louis and get us a crew of people out here and have them making calls for drivers.”

My cell phone rang. “Hello?”

Jan's voice said, “Hon, Lorne Michaels is here. He said you have an appointment.”

Damn, tell him I'll be there in about twenty minutes.”

I hung up and told Pete, “Pete, I gotta go. I had an appointment with Lorne Michaels I forgot about.”

Ok, this is a mess. I'll get a crash team here, but I need your help with this.”

I'll get it done. I see it's a mess and I sort of exploded it, but I'll get it corrected for you.”

He nodded, “Use my limo and tell the guy to get back here and wait. I'll be staying in town tonight and will need to have you over here in the morning.”

Get several secretaries in. I'll be moving at a real frantic pace and really going through the books. I'll be making marks and having them find the files which coordinate. You'll also need accountants...lots of accountants. They'll have to go through those accounts and find those flaws.”

Ok, I'll get them.”

You'll be amazed, but there is some tax fraud in there which will need corrected. My name isn't going on it until I get this mess cleaned up.”

I understand.”

I left and on the way back, I called Mike. He answered, “Hello?”

Hi, I need to check in.”

You're busy.”

Yeah. What I need to tell you is I've agreed to endorse Meister Stein brewery. He's tying my pay to their corporate sales with percentages to their income rather than the percentages to my pay.”

What's that mean?”

I was planning on making fifteen million as base scale. If they up their profits by fifty million, then I get ten percent of my pay which would up it one and a half million. He's put it according to his income which gets me five million.”

Oh man kid, that's incredible.”

It gets better. If they up their income a hundred million, I get twenty five percent. If they up it two hundred million, I get dollar for dollar in stocks what their income increases.”


You heard me. What you don't know is they're about to go public which is going to put massive amounts of money into their coffers. He's going to be buying a beer company in Mexico and Japan with the money. Of course, they're going to push their flagship brand down there and have the products over here from those breweries, so that's going to up the sales.”

Is he going to have you endorsing just the flagship brand?”

No, it's the entire company and my income is based upon the entire income company wide. So, needless to say I'll be making somewhere in the range of two hundred million a year from that contract.”

Jeez Louise, what's the trade off?”

The trade off is I've told him I want cameras following me around making my life into a commercial they can use.”

What's that mean?”

Ok, let's say I find something inspirational in the middle of a football game, I can go over and tell the camera. It gets made into a commercial. It's rather inventive.”

It's rather intrusive.”

What do I have to lose in becoming one of the most famous faces on television? I mean, I'm not asking them to be in the bedroom with me, but I'll throw open the doors to everything else if I need to.”

Your personal life will suffer.”

Nah, it just made it so I'm able to find time to make commercials. By the way, I'll need you here to help sort through a contract for a Stein distributorship I've been given.”

I've got to get you a lawyer over there.”

I know a cute one who is in high school.”

He's missing you too.”

I know. I just feel I need him here seeing what we're building.”

He's wanting to be there also. How's your day going otherwise?”

Dolly is doing great. We have Stein getting us equipment in a rush. And, right now, I'm going over to have a meeting with Lorne Michaels about doing Saturday Night Live. That ought to be fun.”

You're doing ok?”

I'm doing amazing. By the way, we're winning the football game on Sunday 14-7.”

Don't bet on it.”

I'm not.”

Don't speak to Vegas at all about it.”

I won't.”

This could jeopardize you.”

I know. By the way, Pete endorsed me and I've got four other owners who've told Tom I'm getting their approval.”

So that's six.”

Yeah, isn't that neat!”

We need one more.”

Pete said he thinks the talk is positive about me. He said it's probably running around as scuttlebutt which the owners send out feelers to see how everyone else it thinking. Some are strong and they're decisive while others aren't. They'll be cautious until they see what everyone thinks.”

It could be that.”

Tom said the general feeling is my being young and being so fresh and exciting is going to pull in a lot more viewers and fans.”


With me endorsing Stein and showing the owners and the world I'm not going to endorse it holding a beer, they'll see I can be wholesome.”

You've already got his assurance on this?”

Yeah, it was amazing because I gave him a bunch of commercials they'll use for their big spots for the next year. I've also given him a lot of ideas for different small segment ads. I started brainstorming them and they just came super fast.”

Good, as long as you know you're not going to be doing anything you don't feel comfortable doing.”

I'm not, they're pretty ads which are rugged enough everyone will like them. Women will like them and guys will also. Speaking of which, I just thought of another.”

What is it?”

Me walking down the street in a slum. There's trash on the street and a bunch of beer bottles, etc..., etc... I bend over and pick up a Stein bottle. I say, “Folks, these bottles are recyclable. In order to enjoy what's in them, you've got to make everyone else enjoy it when you're done. Drink responsibly, that means putting this where it belongs.”

Oh man, it's something they've not confronted before.”

No, but it says they're not afraid to go into areas where the other companies ignore. It's responsible and it's going to make everyone think differently about their company.”

I like that. It could be any major city in our country and it could be a lot of smaller cities. It's a blight everyone condemns, but it puts the responsibility on the consumer of one of the products. If they think about it from just that aspect, it could be something if they start thinking about it from all their littering.”

Right. Now, what I want to do is I want to get a company started which burns burnable waste and generates electricity from it. Burning the trash America throws out, we'd be able to cut the amount which goes into landfills. It'd generate power and it'd have an end result which would be energy.”

Do you think it'd make money?”

Yeah, it's by product is ash and it's something which people wouldn't think about so much, but it's got a ready supply of combustibles which could be used.”

I'll find out if we can do it. It sounds expensive.”

Not necessarily. I think you're going to be amazed at how cheaply it can be done.”

What about air pollution?”

It's handled with screens and particulate filters which are self cleaning. What's neat is the ash which is a by product is compacted down and is made into blocks which can be buried easier.”

Why aren't they doing it now?”

No incentives to do so. People look at the start up and don't look at the benefits over all.”

I don't even know where to begin with it.”

Call MIT and ask to speak with an energy engineering professor. He'll listen.”

How about getting Jan on that. I'll handle the legals, but that's something she could do.”

Ok, I understand. It just came to me and I appreciate you being my sounding board.”

He laughed, “I don't mind.”

Well, I need to get off here. I'm back at the stadium.”

Ok, feel free to call.”

Thanks Mike.”

I hung up as the limo pulled up to the door. I got out and told the driver Pete wanted him back at the distributorship.

I went in and up to the office. At the office, I saw Lorne Michaels waiting.

Jan, I need you to call MIT and get me an appointment with their energy engineering professor. Tell him this is in regards to a waste recycling power plant for trash to be burned and electricity to be generated. Tell him I know it's been done, but I want to know how compact we can get the whole footprint of it.”

Ok, hon.”

Tell him I'll fly him here, or I'll go there, but whenever his time is available and I'm available, I'll be happy to do it. Also, tomorrow Morning is out for anything which doesn't have Stein's name on it. Ok?”

Sure hon.”

Now, I can speak with Mr Michaels.”

I turned and held out my hand. He shook it and I smiled.

I came down to meet you and to get a feel for you.”

Good, it's a bit complicated, but I'm gearing up from being a nobody to being a somebody and it's a bit ragged around the edges right now.”

He laughed. “You seem to be handling it well.”

IF you only knew. Let's walk and talk.”


We went out of the office and I said, “In the office, I feel like it's got to be about business. On the field, it's got to be about football, and off it, it's about me. Well, it's compartmentalizing. Here in the stadium, it's about all the different elements of the stadium and operating it. Does that make sense?”

Yes. I do the same when I'm in my job.”

We went out front and I held out my hand and said, “Last week, I wouldn't have known this existed. Now I own it. In two months, it'll all be different and in two years, this won't even be here. It'll be a huge stadium/mall/entertainment complex and I'll be viewed as a visionary, a whiz kid, and a business guru. Isn't that the shit!”

What are you meaning?”

This stadium is getting brought down. In it's place will be a new complex which gets built for around three billion dollars. The first thing you should know is it's not getting done by one tax dollar. It's getting done by my profits and income and it's getting done in a manner where I don't have to bend or conform to what others want.

What you just heard me ask Jan is a part of it which is vital. As you know, Jimmy Carter signed into law a bill which directs energy companies to buy our electricity produced. Now, what would happen if we stopped filling our landfills with so much waste and started burning it and generating electricity? Would it hurt the environment? Or, would it be something in which I can make money, have power and heat to the building, and make money besides. Yeah, it'll add onto the cost of the building, but in the end, I'll have a nice building where everyone wants to gravitate towards which is also a collection point for the city's refuse. Now ask yourself how many people would want to shop and be entertained at the city dump and they'll tell you you're nuts.”

It's a big undertaking.”

Yeah, but it's feasible. I just went into an endorsement agreement which is going to make me wealthy enough to do this all debt free.”

With who?”

Pete Stein. I'll promote his company and he'll share profits.”


IF my ads boosts his company's profits, then I share in them. What you don't know is I'm not going to sell beer. Yeah, beer will get sold, but my hand isn't holding a beer and I'm not promoting it directly. I'm promoting a company and a style of brewing and ideals instead of the intoxicating beverage.”

He agreed to that!”

Yeah. In fact, he took my bonus on it and tied it into his profits which really is going to have me making huge money instead of little monies.”


For me to explain it, I need to break it down to you so you can understand. Let's say I come on the show and instead of twenty million viewers, you've got twenty three million viewers. You'd see me as a benefit to your show, right?”


Now, while there, I could be doing the ho-hum skits which cause people to turn the channel, or I could be involved in the process which has people calling everyone else and saying, “You gotta turn over to Saturday Night Live because that Jake Martin is on there and he's just going insane!'

The show starts at twenty million and three million more flock to it. BUT, Monday morning at school, kids are talking about what they saw and the ones who didn't see it are wishing they had gotten to see it.

So, when I'm on there again, you do a larger advertising build up because you know I brought three million more viewers. It gets the word out and instead of twenty million, you've got twenty eight million that night and of course, it's just as equally insane and in the end, you're happy, the company is happy, and my popularity is up.

Now, what happened?”


You got lost. I'm sorry.”

No, I'm hearing what you're saying.”

I asked what happened?”

I got a lot more viewers.”

Yeah, but your advertisers got more bang for their buck. That's it in a nutshell. You have people looking at Shake and Bake and silently chuckling about that skit. You've got people looking at the Norman Rockwell picture of Thanksgiving and they're laughing remembering that skit.

I've got people coming up and telling me how funny I was and yet, when my face is on television advertising a product, they pay attention because I'm believable.”


I've shown myself to be honest. No one sees me holding up a beer and telling them life is better by drinking it. I don't have my arm around a babe and I don't have people thinking if they drink, they'll get that bimbo.

Instead, I'm seen sitting down and I'm telling people because Stein uses only the freshest hops, barley, wheat, rye, and oats, and use only the most pure of filtered water, they've got a product which just makes me want to endorse it. It's believable and it's something they say, “Hmmm, I never thought about what goes into beer, but he sounds like he checked this stuff out and he chose them to endorse because he liked them.”

Did you?”

Did I what?”

Look around and check them out?”

No, Pete Stein showed up because his people pissed me off and I was threatening on pulling his product out of this stadium.

He made good, took the time to see if his people were in the wrong, and then made me a deal about handing me a distributorship for this city.

While were were going over to the seep hole, I made mention about endorsing companies and he made the offer. I told him what I wanted and expected and what I wouldn't do. He agreed and suddenly, the creative juices turned on.”

Like what?”

Ok, here's one he's not been told which my lawyer and I just thought about. The commercial has me walking down the street in a slum part of any city USA and I see a Stein bottle. I go over and pick it up and then look at the camera and tell people a part of drinking responsibly is making sure other people get to enjoy their lives after they've drank. It tells Stein customers to not litter and it indirectly tells the consumers of everything to think about what they throw out.”

That's smart.”

No, what's smart and you didn't see is I'm planting trash like a big dog on that street which people readily identify.”


Do you think I'm going to walk down a street and show someone who I would endorse's product laying there as trash? No, however, if someone doesn't want me to endorse because I'm gay, I'll fuck that company raw by showing their packages and wrappers laying there in the trash of this world.”

Ooh, that's shrewd.”

Lorne, I'm not going to be quiet about being gay. I'm not a slut by any standard, but I'm not going to be hiding my relationship and being afraid people find out. Either they can know and say I'm talented on my merits, or, they can talk about me positively while trying to slam me by saying, 'that faggot can run'.”

Do you think people would be that crude?”

Yeah. Yes, I do. They did it with blacks when they first got into sports and like it or not, Bannister ran that mile, and Robinson played baseball and yet, who's the openly gay guy who ran? And who's the openly gay guy who played baseball? Hmmm, I think it's time I break that barrier and come out into the open and make it easier to show we can play and we sure are talented.”

I never thought about it.”

I know. I also know people have to hide their gayness in the celebrity world. They have to have publicists hide it. They've got to say they're bi-sexual and marry a super model. Or, they've got to just hope it's not discovered and hide behind that facade. Rather than do it and rather than portray myself as what I'm not, I'm being me.”

You don't think it'll have a backlash?”

No. Heck, that defense of the other team is going to hit my front line just as hard and they're going to try sacking me no matter what. However, if they want to walk off the field and say they won't play me for fear of getting AIDS, then I'll make that idiot a real idiot by taking it to the press and have them showing me with blood coming out of my arm and demonstrating I've not got it. When that happens, you best bet I've put my blood up against a bigot's viewpoint and won.”

That's rather far to have to take it.”

Yeah, but I'll also tell you if you have people who refuse to be on a stage with me because they're afraid being gay is transmissible, then you tell that person I think they're just an idiot and don't want them in that skit which will be immortalized in people's brains.

I'll tell you now, they didn't stop when John Belushi was out there and they sure didn't stop when Gilda was out there, and they sure didn't stop because Eddie Murphy is black, so they ought to realize talent is talent and our goal is to make people laugh.”

He smiled, “You strike home hard points.”

It's about overcoming bigotry. It's stupid when it's on the stage and it's sure stupid when it's on a field of play.”

I understand. DO you think you'll face it openly?”

Openly? No, but behind the lines, I think they're going to put a target on my back and tell their guys to get me out of sports. I also think I've got people worried about supporting me in getting into the league because they think I'm turning our Angel logo into some sort of fairy with pixie dust. It's not happening and I'm definitely about that as my agenda. I'll be more direct than that.”

You get serious, what about being on SNL as a regular or as a writer?”

I can't. What I can and will do if you'll allow is I'll offer ideas and send them to people if they'd like.”

What would you like to see on our show which you don't see?”



I don't know. I'll tell you I've not been allowed to watch your show by my grandma because she held the remote control. I've watched it at friend's shows and that's where I know it.

Since my grandma's been dead, I've not had time to watch it. I couldn't tell you who are on your cast now and it really doesn't matter. I know they're talented and I definitely know they're the up and comers of comedy. That's what matters to me.”

I understand. You're honest and I like that. What I really like is you don't make no bones about understanding what's hidden and exposing it. What I'd like to say is some advice.”

What's that?”

Don't be out in the open and in your face to the point you irk people. If you can do it with humor, grace, style, and class, you gain those who detract. Look at blacks and you'll see Nat King Cole and Johnny Mathis who made themselves so appealing it didn't matter what their color was. The words and the melody mattered and it was nice.”

I agree. I've been advised by my partner not to be so defensive. He's the one who advised me to go with humor. I listened and now, I think I've got it. What's funny is how I handled the mess up with the camera.

Had I been serious, I imagine I would've sued and spit in the face of all that free publicity. By turning it into something humorous, I can get way more mileage from it and have the nation realizing my embarrassment is what is putting me on the map. I think it'll be something which will get SNL put on the map for a memorable skit.”

I like that. That's why I think you're so appealing. I see what you thought of it and that's why I'm here.”

Let me fill you in on a secret about the game in Dallas.”


I realize I'm built. I also realize people think I'm good looking. I know it and I could ignore it, or I could use it. IF you know me, or you'll learn about me is I'm going to use anything I can to promote my team.

On Sunday, it's Halloween. You know it and I'm hoping you've got some skits which play on it. With me, I know kids are all excited about the night and I also know dads are going to be feeling inconvenienced by having to check their kid's costumes out while a football game is gearing up to happen on television. That's life.

What we're going to do is we're getting commercials out there which have me receiving the key to the city on Thursday and hopefully, they'll film my guys all carving pumpkins.

What you'll see on the field is us having pumpkins and a hay wagon with our numbers carved into pumpkins. You're also going to see me do those friggin' flips dressed as a pumpkin in orange tights and a green hat. Then, I'm going to throw a pumpkin three hundred feet instead of a football. People are going to be amazed and hopefully, some kids are going to pick up their pumpkin and say to themselves, “Man, this thing weighs a lot!”.

What you don't know is we're weighing pumpkins and we're finding one the right size and weight. I'm not breaking my arm to do it, but I'm sure going to get the attention of a stadium and national audience.”

I imagine everyone's going to be talking about it.”

Yeah, but to throw in sex appeal, I'm aware the cameras are going to be on me. I know women are going to be having their eye on me to see me in those tights. They've seen the dick, so they're going to want to see me in those tights.

I'll take off that pumpkin costume and that hat and show them chest and abs. I'll show them a fantasy and me in those tights. Then, I'm going to have my guys hold up some sheets and dress out into my uniform on the field complete with the changing of the tights.”

Oh man!”

Yeah, it's having everyone wanting to see behind those sheets, and it's sort of funny because I went from one costume to a football player's costume.”

You know, I could use that in a skit. Do you mind?”

No, I don't mind.”

We've got a guy who's about your size who called me and asked if he could be your character on the show. This could be something he could do.”

No, then it makes it look like I'm copying him.”

You're not getting it. I could have him coming in front of a mom and a dad dressed as you. The dad could go nuts and the mom would think he's adorable. He could take off the uniform and have on the tights and the dad tell him, 'Son, I'm sorry, but you just don't have the equipment for it. Jake Martin plays with equipment far more superior than yours.”

Oh man, that's funny. It's a skit suggesting masturbation when you could be talking about pads, gear, and a jersey.”

I never thought of that, but that'd be funnier! We could have the kid asking how to get the right equipment and the dad saying it just didn't happen because the acorn didn't fall far from the tree and then we could have the kid saying that big Oaks grow from small acorns and the dad saying his oak isn't ever going to get that big.”

Have the mom in there doing something like holding up a can of vienna sausages and saying Jake Martin has a nice one.”

I'm liking this. Can we play on this some more?”


What I would like to see is the dad start off being very against you. He's cynical and he knows about you being gay. He starts to tell the son and the son acknowledging some kids at school say you throw the ball further because of your limp wrist.

The kid, however, doesn't know what that means and he asks the dad to show him how to throw the ball limp wristed. The dad starts to say the kid should find a special friend when the mom interrupts and tells the kid the dad had a special friend once.

The kid says, “Oh dad, you should really know how to throw the ball.” The dad starts to say no when the mom interrupts again and says, “You dad's been known to throw the balls, but I think you need to call your friend Johnny. The kid runs off and the mom says, “Honey, let's go into the bedroom and make a few touchdowns of our own.”

Cool. IT get's the subject out there and it tells the dads there's skeletons in their closet, so not to be so quick to judge.”

I want you to know the subject content could get picketed and could even have some stations pull the show when you are on the show in November.”

I doubt it. They can't block football games and them blocking me because I'm gay would just be totally dumb.”

Never underestimate anything with them.”


Well, let them try blocking me on all those advertisements. I think they'll have a lot of black spots on a lot of their hours of television.”

They won't block ads. If they do, Stein could refuse to pay for that portion of the market his ads didn't cover.”

Then we'll get him to sponsor SNL. That would seem logical enough.”

Can I call a friend of mine and see if he'll back you for endorsing for him?”

Sure, who is it?”

General Motors.”

Cool, tell the man I own a dealer in Moberly, Missouri and have increased my own sales nearly six hundred percent in three months, so he should be fine with me.”


Yeah, it got signed into my name this morning, but for the past three months, my management changes have been running on it. When I took over, they sold 117 cars a year. Now, we're near seven hundred in three months.”

How are you doing that?”

We changed the pricing structure. What you see on the sticker is what they call MSRP, the manufacturer's suggested retail price. It's what they want you to pay, but it doesn't mean we can't throw sales.

With us, we open the book and show the customer what the wholesale price is and then, we mark it up fifteen percent. Yeah, because we sell a lot more, we get better deals, but we keep those incentives.”

So you show wholesale and then you do a flat rate percentage of mark up and it works?”

Yeah, it's a no haggle thing. If you want to save money, you agree to it, or you can go elsewhere and pay more. The customer agrees and they vote for it with their pocketbook.”

Do you gouge them in parts, or how do you make money?”

No, we do the same thing for parts. Say a transmission costs two hundred and ten dollars. We mark it up fifteen percent and you pay two hundred and forty one dollars. That includes the installation and everything.”

I bet you've got everyone coming there in droves!”

We do. There's nothing hidden and everyone tells us they like it that way. What's neat is we're going into the commercial leasing structure that way and making it so a business can lease a vehicle with the same savings.”

Are you having problems with financing?”

No, it's the opposite. We contact a bank and they tell us what the person qualifies for in the amount they can borrow. It helps because we can put the person in a better car that way.”


Ok, say you come in and you're looking at a Caprice. It's a nice car and it's a beautiful car. Now, you go elsewhere and you see it selling for twenty three thousand. With us, it's going for fourteen with a good number of options. However, we call the bank and we find out you can get nineteen no problem.

What I'll do is I'll tell you under bucko down the street, you wouldn't have gotten a Caprice, but probably a Beretta. With me, I'll tell you we'll get you into a Caprice, but to give me a moment and I'll show you our Roadmaster.

What I'll do is I'll tell you a Roadmaster will trade in at x amount dollars higher than a Caprice which is true. I'll also tell you it rides like a Cadillac and I'll tell you the base Roadmaster has a lot more options on it which has you near a Cadillac in comfort. The fuel milage is the same, but the only difference is that eight hundred dollars.

Well, you're looking at it and your wife goes out and sits in it. Instantly, she feels that difference in the seats and she knows she's in a classier car. Once she drives it, she refuses to look at the Caprice again.”

So you upsold them for eight hundred dollars worth of car.”

Yeah, but not really because I'll tell you now, I upsold them that eight hundred dollars, but when they come in again to trade, I'm going to have their file and show them they got that eight hundred dollars back and they really didn't hurt themselves by having a nicer car.”

So it's customer service in giving them more and them having better.”

Yeah, because I'll tell you now, if your kid is looking at a Camaro, I'll take you over to our Corvette and I'll show you that you're paying less for it than you will a Camaro down the street. You're impressed, but you're cautious about the insurance. Now, this is where I go into high gear selling that Vette to you.”


I've got a direct line with the insurance man. He makes his insurance on commission too. However, what you don't know is I'm paying all the bills in his office and he's not got overhead like his competition. He can afford to scrape the bottom of his structure, so we do the same thing. You get the insurance for what I get it for and you see that Vette's insurance is actually going to be lower than the Camaro's.”


Yeah, so what you won't see is this...go trade that Camaro in versus that Vette and you'll see the vette holding it's value and the Camaro running off the depreciation like you were dragging it down the street on a wrecker.”

I bet you sell a lot of Vettes.”

We sell a lot of cars period, but we also sell a wide variety of cars because there's always that parent who promised his daughter Missy the car for her sixteenth and she's now holding her hand out for a set of keys. He's damned happy to pay five grand for a Geo Metro and get off cheap.”

I bet!”

It works good because there are so many advantages of buying new. First of all, you pay less interest annually and there's no hidden lemons in the batch. You've got me standing behind a vehicle and making it good and you've got satisfaction of knowing you got a deal instead of screwed.”

So you're making out like a bandit!”

I'm making out on everything except on some vehicles. Some of them aren't worth junk price to me and I end up losing money because I've got to do things to make it right.”

What's that mean?”

IF you come in and want a Jimmy or a S-10, I'll tell you now I'll sell it to you, but before I sell it to you, I've got to go get an undercoat treatment on it because that truck is rusting sitting on our lot.”


Yeah, we found the problem with a super close friend of mine. His dad bought him the truck and got a Vette. He didn't drive it and parks it in the garage. He rides to school with his boyfriend or me, and I saw it's got rust and bubbled paint. I'll tell you now, I nearly had heart failure!

So, we took his in and we got the problems stopped and it undercoated, but we also had to go and undercoat all of them because six out of the seventeen on the lot were already rusting.”

OH man.”

Yeah, so I'll tell one of those customers I'd rather sell them on a full size Blazer than sell them that truck. We can get them the same motor in the full size one and it's only three miles a gallon less.”

Do they take it?”

Most of the time, they want the Jimmy. When that happens, I tell them to watch certain areas and get it back in and have me make it right if they have problems. When they hear that, they're suddenly interested in the Blazer which I tell them doesn't have the same issues.”

I never knew they had problems.”

Look behind the door at the corner of the cab of them. You'll see problems. The other problem area is above the wheel well on the bed and in the tail gate corner of both the Jimmy and the S-10.”

What do you think causes it?”

In my opinion, it's condensation. It gets cold and that window gets condensation. It runs down and into the the corner. In that corner, there's a lot of weld area and structural, so it doesn't get painted in paint treatment. When you've got all that heat stress and no protection, then you've got issues.”

You're honest with it.”

I have to be. If someone's vehicle rusts six months after they've bought it, they're not going to buy from me again because they're not going to buy GM. If I make it right and do what I can to repair a defect, then I've got to tell the person I've repaired a defect and point it out. I hate it, but I'd rather steer them around it than make the company look bad.”

They might not know about it.”

They might not, but with the number of door skins and tail gate skins I buy, I'd sure have them noticing.”

Let me call him.”

Tell him I do not talk to anyone unless it's a long term fifteen year and fifteen million a year contract. The bonuses are thrown in, but I also have a double per year penalty provision if they pull out of the contract.”


I don't play nice when it comes to money. He could suddenly judge me for being gay or selling beer and say I didn't bargain in good faith. He'll try to cut me out and then tell me I can't go to the competition and sell cars. When it means I've got to stop selling cars at a dealer as well as on television, he'll either agree to it, or I won't deal.”

I understand more clearly.”

He dialed and said, “Rog, this is Lorne Michaels, I've got Jake Martin of the Akron Angels with me. Yeah, you heard about the game. Yeah, they showed his privates. No, he didn't sue. In fact, he's wanting us to run with it on SNL and not hold it against anyone.

The reason I'm calling is he's seeking endorsement deals and is already a GM dealer.” He paused and said, “Moberly, Missouri. It just went into his name today, but he's been over it for three months.”

He put his hand over the phone and said, “He's looking it up now.” He listened and then asked me, “Reilly Chevrolet?”

Yeah, Jack Reilly is my manager.'

Yeah Rog, that would be the dealer. Yeah, the sales are up significantly. He says six hundred percent in three months.”

He listened and said, “Well, he's doing a flat percentage of fifteen percent on top of his wholesale cost on the cars, parts, and everything. It's got them coming in the door and he's getting them in vehicles. I'll tell you now, I'm about to buy a car from him just off talking to him about it. Ok, here.”

He handed the phone to me. “Hello?”

Hi Jake, congratulations on the game last Sunday. I had no idea you were running a dealer for us.”

It just got put into my name today. I wasn't emancipated until last Friday, so we're making it legal now.”

How much did you pay for the dealer?”

Three million, but I've invested another three million into it. We've got a five hundred car inventory.”

You're really turning over some cars.”

It's a wonderful deal. We're getting customers in be going high volume and low profit.”

And it's working quite well, I see.”

Well, here's what we're doing. That base wholesale rate we get is what I show them. I don't show them the volume incentives I get from you guys because it's money in our pockets.”

That's not really much.”

No, but it's enough if we make a thousand on each vehicle and put them out the door.”

I'm following you now. Tell me, what's the one problem you've got with selling our cars?”

You want to know the truth?”

Yeah, is it finding people don't like the style, the colors, is it a bad experience before, or brand loyalty to another brand?”

It's none of the above. What it is, is I've got to rebuild some of the vehicles in order to sell them.”


You have a computer there obviously, go over and see what parts I'm buying quite a bit of.”

One moment, that's in another segment of my computer.”

It'll be under body panels.”

Door skins and tailgate skins.”

Yeah, they're rusting before they leave the lot. I'm undercoating them so they don't rust, but I'm finding times when the paint is bubbled when they arrive on the truck. They won't take them back for a defect in shipping because it's quite obvious a factory flaw. So, I send for body panels and you guys just don't cover that.”

I'm alarmed by this.”

Well, it bugs me because I like selling them. I can sell a product which sells itself, but I hate steering customers to something else when I know they're going to be dissatisfied with the ownership experience of a vehicle.”

No one would listen?”

My parts people and my parts manager sat on hold for several days with your people before they finally decided to fix it ourselves and go with undercoating them.”

I'll get a memo out on this.”

Now, about the endorsement deal.”

Oh yeah, what is it you're seeking.”

I'll endorse your product if I can get a fifteen year and fifteen million a year deal.”

Ummm, I don't know if we can do that.”

Right, ok, well, I'll see if I can sell Nissans or something. Thanks for your honesty.”

I handed Lorne the phone and said, “Well, I went to all that trouble buying a GM dealer and they won't let me represent them. Get off the phone with him soon so I can call my dealer and tell him we're about to do an inventory clearance.”

He gave a surprised look, “Hang on a moment.”

He got on the phone, “Rog, he's talking about clearing his lot of GM cars. With what he knows about your damned trucks, I imagine he'll have them in his other commercials as junk and derelict vehicles.”

He listened and said, “He's talking about all the products who won't have him being on his commercials in shit slots. I'll tell you now, it's a product placement you don't want.” He got quiet and said, “Yeah, I'm aware it's a lot of money, but it's also a kid about to explode on the scene for a lot of years as one of the best quarterbacks this world has ever scene.”

He listened again and said, “Here, he wants to speak with you.”

I took the phone, “Hello.”

What is it you clearly want?”

I want fifteen million for fifteen years. IF your sales go up because of my spots fifty million, I get ten percent. IF it goes up a hundred million, I get twenty five. After that, if it goes up two hundred million, I get dollar for dollar stock.”

You're nuts kid.”

My nuts have nothing to do with it. Pete Stein's just given me that contract with a double indemnity clause which means I get four hundred and fifty million. The deal is he knows I'm gay and he knows I'm a foot ball player.

You'll have to know I'm endorsing Pete's company and you'll have to know I own a dealer of yours and intend on building a dealer in Akron. Other than that, I don't have any other endorsements yet. Now, should you step in and refuse me an endorsement agreement, then you've got to pay me for that same contract. I pick, and I choose, and I will never put my face on a feminine hygiene product.”

Smart move.”

I wouldn't put my face there in normal life, so it's not about to happen with a product.”

You being gay, what keeps me from you running around being morally indecent.”

What do you constitute morally indecent? I mean, I'm taking the bar exam next summer and I sell cars now, I don't think the judge find you've got grounds with morals of any sort with you going into a contract knowing that.”

He laughed, “You don't get into a relationship without my prior consent.”

I'm already in a relationship. He's my business partner. He'll be a lawyer and there's not a thing I'm going to change about him.”

If you get out of the relationship, you've got to get prior consent for me to continue the contract.”

When I get that continuance, I'll expect another seventy five million from you. IF that's not in the contract, don't send it to me because I'll certainly show sexism all the way to the supreme court. It's not required by anyone else and it certainly won't be dictated to me in a contract.”

I guess you're right.”

Sir, I'm not going to sleep around wantonly. You might find that in Hollywood, but with me, it's not happening. Yeah, I got a dick which has been shown on television, but that wasn't my fault.

From that, all I'm saying is I'm probably the fantasy of a lot of folks and either I get hateful about it, or I poke fun at it and have the situation being on a lot of skits with Saturday Night Live.”

Who do you plan on endorsing?”

Anyone and everyone's products which will have me. If I have to go to China and put my name on noodles, I will. It's about me getting what I can while I can and hoping this face is good enough people will still buy what I can.”

Any other business ventures?”

What do you mean? Stock purchases? Yeah, I've got about two billion out there or more. I move them and I buy them. Right now, I'm selling out of Kmart and should have it done today. So, I imagine I won't be endorsing them.”

Why not?”

They're making financial moves which just don't make sense. To me, the big picture isn't about buying a bunch of companies which they hope to fit, but buying their suppliers to cut costs.

They're not doing that, but going into competition with themselves. It'd be like you buying Chrysler and AMC. It'd have you buying stupid stuff and competing for your own goods.”

Not on the table for us.”

I certainly hope not! Heck, I'm having a great time showing my customers a fresh product and not some worn thin dressed up reruns.”

Is that how you see them?”

Their K Car saved the company. Their mini van is taking the world by storm. What they've got since then is fifty billion versions of a worn out K Car and that includes that mini van. I mean, we all know that mini van is a van version of that platform.”

It's not, but you're in the ball park. I know what you mean.”

What I think about GM is a few things which just make me scream, but I'm not complaining.”

What move makes you want to scream?”

Cadillac. Whoever you've got over them seriously needs to have their head examined. I hate the fact you got rid of big bodies. Ford is wearing out their TownCar platform, but they're selling a soft riding car.”

We've got some exciting things coming from them.”

Well, dump the Allante' because it stinks. I can't sell them even with a bow on them and vaseline. Everyone looks at them and sees a K Car convertible for fifty grand...and yes, that's sarcasm. And to be polite, when are you going to bring out a Cadillac version of a Bravada/Jimmy? It's clearly wanted and people are dressing them up to get something similar.”

It's on the books to do.”

What about a Caddy version of the Roadmaster?”

We're not going to do it. Those are going to be phased out.”

Jeez, I'm selling the hell out of them. I guess that would make sense Caddy wouldn't sell something which I could sell.”

You're not happy about Caddy.”

I'm not happy about anything to sell them up into if they're looking at a Roadmaster. I mean, I'd put them in a K Blazer or Suburban all dressed up if I could, but the only thing I've got left of a Caddy with something behind the rear seats is a hearse and that's not cool.”

He laughed, “I'll tell them.”

You guys are juggling and I know you're busy without hearing a dealer scream, but right now, Ford is kicking our butts. They're listening to the customers and getting products out there which are selling like hot cakes.”

We're working on it.”

I know. Now, can I say something without you just thinking I'm totally insane?”


Northstar V-8 in a Cadillac is terrible. They don't last. The second edition of the 3.8 is a terrible design. Whoever put the fan belt so you've got to undo a motor mount to change it needs to be castrated. AND, that trick you did with the intake manifold with that EGR valve is just dumb. You never epoxy a part which has a water jacket around it to suck air into an engine. IF that epoxy fails, you're sucking antifreeze into the cylinder.”

I'm not familiar with that.”

Tell them to show you the EGR valve on the 3.8 now. They'll point at it and you'll see what looks like a clean move until you realize it's going into that engine and counting the water from the engine to cool a piece of plastic with epoxy on it.”

Doesn't sound smart.”

It's not. I've got cars coming in with reported failures of engines with thirty thousand on them.”

How are you handling it?”



Either we replace the engine which has the same thing in it, or we cheat and get the part. Then, rather than using the epoxy, we're using JBWeld and going with it so we don't have catastrophic failures.”

That's a violation of the warranty!”

It's a violation of a customer's bill of rights to have a motor replaced twice in less than a hundred thousand miles. It smells like lemon and it sends them to Ford faster than the uptown bus.”

I'll get on it. I want you to stay in touch with me and let me know what our dealers are really thinking.”

I'll tell you, but it's something which concerns me.”

Are you going to have any problem endorsing our products?”

Do me a favor. Don't put me out there selling Jimmy's until they're redesigned. I'll sell everything else you've got without having one driven by on the back of a wrecker in a beer commercial.”

You'd do that?”

Yeah, but if I have you on with an endorsement offer, I'll do it to Dodge...however badly I wish you guys had a strong diesel engine in the trucks.”

I didn't just hear that.”

Hear what?”

Complaints about our diesel engine.”

Which diesel engine, the one which is from your cars in the eighties? Or the little Isuzu one which you won't put into the cars because it'd make too much sense?”

You think it'd sell?”

Yeah, there's a reason we're selling Geos and it's called people wanting fuel mileage. We need a truck which gets really good fuel milage which won't rip out a transmission. The torque from the diesels just rip that tranny out.”

Can I give you an extra allowance on your contract for research and development?”

Yeah, if I'm allowed to earn it. And what I mean by that is if they don't listen, then there's nothing I'm earning.”

Ok, I'll do that. I think it'd be good for what you've proposed about Cadillac.”

IF you'd let me, I'd design you a new bunch of cars for them.”

We might work on that. What would you work on if you had a dream project?”

Besides the upscale Jimmy? I'd work on a convertible which made sense. The Allante' isn't it. I think the Corvette is it, but in a convertible version. We need something which tells the buyer they've arrived and have some sport to it. That would be it.”

What about the new Seville, have you seen it?”

Not yet. I'm still in the little one. When I see the new one, I think it'll be fine, but I hear it's got the Northstar in it which will knock it down a few notches.”


Northstars are failing about seventy thousand. All it is is a 3.8 with two more cylinders. It's still got that EGR going through.”

So that's the big problem with those engines?”

Yeah, the first version of the 3.8 was a great engine. It was something which was rock solid and bullet proof. Why they messed with it is beyond me, but they did.”

It's us wanting to update engines and keep them from having parts from junk yards on them.”

I'll refrain from speaking there.”

What were you going to say?”

I was going to say when you're busy filling junk yards with new cars, what's the sense in worrying whether they get parts there?”

The motor is bad.”

Yeah, and the customer is unhappy. We're keeping them happy, but you need a serious retrofit of that plastic part by putting in a metal one. It'd save your customer.”

Ok, I'll send you a lawyer with a contract down. Now, how many commercials a year?”

Forty Five. That's nearly three a month and gives you some bite for getting three per million you're spending.”

I hear a hidden clause in your voice.”

Yeah, it's a big one, but I think you'll do it.”

Ok, try me.”

All the show cars which are on the new show circuit. I want them.”

I can't.”

Why not?”

They have to be crushed.”

Well, it's a dumb reason and a dumb thing you're doing there. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I'll see if I can get the same deal from another company.”

Does it mean that much to you?”

It's something me as a collector can point at and say I've got. Jay Leno doesn't have them and no one else. Me, I can have them.”

Ok, but you can't drive them on the street.”

How about on my own little street in my own town?”

You have to self insure. If someone gets hurt with them, we're in a world of hurt.”

Ok, send your lawyer with the contract and enable him to have the right to revise if I see mistakes.”

How much of a revision?”

Commas, periods, semi colons, and so forth. I bought a football team which had some things out of place which could have had me signing into ownership without having to pay the man.”

Oh man.”

Yeah, a lawyer did it to him and my honesty called it. Fortunately, I sat down and graded the mistakes like a school teacher.”

That many?”

The contract was seventy pages. I averaged about seven per page.”

Who'd he have as a lawyer?”

Someone I don't have now.”

I sure understand.”

Well, send the guy, but tell him not until after lunch tomorrow. Also, you tell the guy I want artistic control of the commercials.”


Because I can sense what makes sense. Your people could have me waiting thirty days for the right sunlight in the right spot. It's dumb and sometimes, it doesn't take a car being in a commercial being driven to make a statement.”

I get to have the right to accept or reject the commercials.”

Ok, send me down the first ten vehicles so I can get to work. Also, send me a crew which will follow me with the cameras and the vehicles.”


Because I'm on a football team. I play day in and day out and travel all over. On Friday, I've got to be in Dallas. Between now and then, I've got to practice in Missouri and run a team in Ohio. A bunch of times in between, I've got to be in New York, California, and who knows where else. If I can film, I can put the commercials in the can.”

What if I get cars from dealers wherever you are and you put them in the can with those?”

Ok, but once again, I get to have artistic control and approve or reject.”

I won't argue there. I think you know what you want.”

I do.”

I'll get the lawyer and contract sent down. Right behind the lawyer, you'll see the camera crew.”


I hung up and said to Lorne. “The man shouldn't be running a company. If he doesn't know all those things are going on, he's totally out of touch with what is happening.”

Not everyone is familiar with the cars as you.”

No, but how many times to you have to sink thirty grand into a Cadillac and have it go bad to realize you've got a company selling out their brand name for a dollar?”

You don't sound happy.”

Here's the way it was, and still should be. Chevy was the entry vehicle. Olds was for those who wanted a touch of better and Buick was for you if you wanted an entry market Caddy. Caddy was when you made it, but what in the hell is Saturn? It's a total different car which is the Edsel of GM.”

You don't think it'll make it?”

I think it'll make it with the sucking of sales from other divisions. Most likely, in twenty years, you'll have Olds gone. Pontiac will either have to rely totally on the sports segment or it'll be gone. Buick will be the mid line and Caddy will be the top line. And yet, Saturn will be over there sucking sales from Chevy preying on it and being as welcome to the company as a swarm of locusts.”

You don't like the make, do you?”

I can't figure it out. When you can't figure out why they're doing it, you clearly know it doesn't make sense. Is it the BMW killer? Is it the Mercedes killer? Is it the import killer? Or, is it there to kill off it's own weaker brands? I'll tell you it's about that welcome.”

I can't tell you. All I know is he's making a lot of money running the company.”

I'm going to be making a lot of money working for the company now and probably have as much idea of what's going on as him. It's sad because he's paying me to tell him the truth. He should be getting that from his own people.”

Be thankful you're in that spot.”

I will be...if he listens.”

We went inside and I said, “Lorne, I really appreciate you doing this. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but you're in between me and a company I represent as a dealer which has me more upset after the call than what I was before I spoke with him. I sort of expected more.”

Can I make one other call for you?”


It's a friend of mine over at PepsiCo. I know he's going to be happy to have you making commercials for him.”

Ok, are we going to eat lunch?”

Sure, where would you like to go?”

You wanted a cheesesteak, I'll get us taken there.”

We went down and out the employee entrance to the limo. When we got in, he dialed and spoke for a moment. He handed me the phone and said, “He's really interested.”


Hi Jake, I hear you want to endorse our products and do some commercials for us.”

Yeah, but before I do, I need to tell you I'm endorsing Stein brewery. I won't be holding beer. Instead, I'll be touting their product in a variety of ways.”

That's fine. Now, what are the guidelines you'd want.”

It's rather strict, but you'll be locking yourself and me into it equally.”

Ok, list the needs and we'll hash them out.”

Here we go. First of all, it's a fifteen year and fifteen million dollar a year deal. If I can't have long term, I don't want it.”


If I get your sales up fifty million, I get ten percent. If I get them up a hundred million, I get twenty five and at two hundred million, it goes to a dollar for dollar stock deal. IF you decide to cancel the contract for any reason, it's double indemnity for the life of the contract left. That means if you want to end it at the end of the first year, it's going to be twenty eight million times fourteen years.”

That's a bit harsh.”

I have intentions of seeing you to the end of the contract. You might have a change of heart and decide you don't want me.”

Ok, let's hash out some codociles.”

That's fine, first of all, you go into the contract knowing I'm gay and in a relationship. IF that doesn't work, then know you can't end it because of it. Second and third is I endorse Stein's products and GM's products.”

Ok, that's acceptable.”

What I make for you is three commercials a month and that's it. I'll speak whatever language you want me to speak and you pay for me to have the location and whatever, but you have to realize I've got to have artistic control and right to end a shoot if my schedule intercedes.”

Artistic control they won't let happen.”

You have the right to reject and approve everything, but I'm not going to be locked into staying in Madrid and being late to a football game or whatever.”

I understand.”

For me, that's control. I manage me and I make the commercials as I have time and where I am. IF you want me in a different location around this globe, then realize I'm most likely going to be making commercials for the other companies as I've got that agreement with them that I make their commercials whenever and wherever.”

I understand, it's acceptable. I need to ask if you want to represent some of our other divisions.”

Like what?”

Frito, Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Long John Silvers..”

Sure, does that same go for them?”

Yeah, I'm in agreement.”

I get to have complete rights to open franchises and eat however much I want, when I want, and that includes me feeding my team while we're out on the road.”

I'll get you a card for that.”

I'll do it.”

Good, I've already been on the phone seeing if I could get you. When Lorne called and said he had you, and you were interested, I nearly woke the dead with the whoop of delight I let out.”

I'm glad. Now, what I want you to know here is I'd like to see about having reduced rates and preferential treatments for franchises.'

What's that mean?”

I'm about to rebuild my stadium. It's going to have a mall in it with a food court. I'll want to have the food court with restaurants representing the companies I endorse and owning those restaurants.”


I'll definitely want them in the contracts.”

That's no problem.”

Well, send your lawyer with the contracts and I'll see him tomorrow afternoon. Tell him I'm going to have lawyers and other contracts then, so he might need to wait a few minutes.”

You're thinking you're going to go through contracts that fast?”

I can speed read and I know plenty of law. I'll be able to tell whether you've got a decent lawyer by how many mistakes I find in it. One other thing I'll expect is for your lawyer to have the right to make changes to the contracts as I find mistakes.”

Sure, now I've got one other question for you. What other companies are you intending to represent?”

Anything which will let me have my face on their product. If I can, I'll have breakfast cereals and preferably a toy company like Hasbro or Milton Bradley.”

Anything else?”

Oh man, my list of wants goes on and on, but I realize I'll be over exposed here real soon.”

That's why I'm asking.”

What I've done is I've got approval with GM to have meetings if I'm representing anything conflicting. I'll tell you now I won't do that knowingly and I sure won't do it if I even remotely think it conflicts. That's why I'm telling you about the Stein contract up front.”

We don't want to see you holding up a beer and portraying yourself as being a representative of our company.”

I won't hold up any beer. Now, I might ride on the beer wagon or be around the horses, but you're not going to find it distasteful.”

Is there any way you could get us those commercials before they air?”

No, He's got a thing about wanting to get commercials on the air fast. I mean super a matter of days from the time they're released, but I also want you to have that same right.”

I understand. Are you working with Lorne on SNL?”

Yeah, it's going to be Thanksgiving weekend.”

I'd like to have some commercials done so we can have slots on the show.”

I do need to tell you one of the skits will have a play on our Jake and Bake offense. It could be loosely misconstrued as something with Kentucky Fried chicken.”

Oh, well, we'll work with that. Whatever you do, don't work with chicken in it.”

I'm not, it's going to be Angel flavored.”


Jake and Bake offense is for my football team. We're the Angels, so it's on that level.”

Oh, I was worried you were desecrating something religious.”

No, nothing like that.”

Have you thought about a candy manufacturer?”

No, any suggestions?”

I'll make a call. I'll shoot them what we've got on our contract and see if they're interested. If they are, I'll have them there. It won't be a direct conflict with our snacks so we'll be fine, but I'd rather lock you into that before you get approached by Cadbury.”


They've got 7up. It'd be a direct conflict.”

Oh! IS that going to be a problem if it's Hershey with their chocolate milk?”

No. The company I'm thinking about is Nestle .”

Ooh, that might be a problem.”


They've got an amusement park and Stein owns parks.”

Are you representing them with those?”

I'm representing them with their entire company as well as owning their stock when it comes available.”

Would you prefer stock?”

I would, but you'd probably not want that.”


I'm talking percentages in companies to the tune of ten percent.”


Yeah, you're probably worth more than that.”

Let me see. If you'd be interested, and I am allowed, I might be able to swing it that way.”

No less than ten percent. I'll work for dividends.”

Dividends and that complimentary item card. I don't want to push you out on that.”

Great. See what you can do and tell the candy company I'll be happy to do the same. I think it'd be neat to own some of them.”

They won't go for that. I'll tell you now.”

Ok, it was a thought.”

Let me see what I can think of and see if other companies are interested. Can I call you if I think of more?”


Thanks Jake, I'll let you go and get to work on things here.”

I appreciate it.”

I hung up and turned to Lorne, “Man, do you realize what you just did there?”

Was it that good?”

Oh man, that was over a billion dollars worth of endorsements in one full swoop. The thing about it is I'm going to be running around making commercials all week long.”

Can I give you a pointer there?”


You're brilliant with you wanting camera people around you. What's good is they can film almost immediately if you tell them to film. You're booking a lot of commercials, but if you schedule them right, you'll be done in less than a day per week”

How do you figure?”

You've got an ability to come up with stuff fast. If you come up with something, all you have to do is tell the crew it's to be for that you want to film a commercial and then walk through the commercial right then. After enough practice, you can do things in one take.”

I already do that. It's called football. There are no replays in football unless it's an official doing it.”

He laughed, “I guess you'd be right there.” He got serious and said, “Jake, what I think is if you do this right, you're going to have a career which just is beyond measure. You'll build your fan base and you'll have all your companies loving you because of your drive and work ethic.”

I hope so. It seems rather overwhelming.”

It's not and I'll tell you why. Let's say you go to Madrid as you said. And, you film a GM commercial. You can go down the street and film a Pepsi spot, or a Mountain Dew spot down on the docks and then turn around and hand a kid a Nestle bar. It's like your life is one big commercial, but you've filmed four commercials real fast and that can be done in a lot of ways.”

Do you think ice cream would be a conflict with anything?”

I don't know. They've got deserts in some of their restaurants, but if you went for a home packaged ice cream maker, you'd be safe.”

That'd be neat to do Bordon or Ben & Jerry's or something like that.”

Just make sure you let everyone know what you're doing and never ever be caught drunk or drinking in public. It's ruined careers more than you know.”


Let me tell you something. A long while back, there was a star out in Hollywood who got drunk. He had sex with a woman and he had more equipment down south than you do. Well, what the problem with it was she was married, and he was married, and they sort of got locked together because she had muscle contractions.”

Like dogs humping?”

Yeah, but what was bad was her husband came in and caught them. What was worse is his wife was at the same party and with all the yelling and commotion, it was a real mess. Needless to say, it wasn't fun and it cost him a career because it was at an important movie studio owner's house.”

Jeez, he couldn't wait?!”

It was like he was destined to ruin his career right then because that's sure what happened.”

Have you had drunk people on your show?”

Yeah as well as stoned and also people who later went on and died. It's not been real nice because they dont really care what they do when they're in an addiction.”

Don't worry about that with me. I might grow taller and fill out more, but I'm definitely not going to do drugs or drink excessively.”

Do you drink?”

No, but I do have a wine collection I inherited. What Rob, my partner, and I are going to be doing is cracking open a bottle of wine a week and having a night where we sit and sip wine and just have alone time for us. I think it'll be romantic and it'll certainly strengthen our relationship.”

Where's he at?”

School. He'll be here soon as he's getting the same work release I've got for school.”

You're on work release?”

Yeah, that's the only way I can continue to play football for my high school.”

Oh! I never thought about that.”

It means a lot to me, but I've got to be at my high school on Friday night because I'm most likely going to be Homecoming King.”

That'd be nice.”

Yeah, but it's a conflict because our team is supposed to be in Dallas then.”


They like us in town so they can do promos and build up events for the games.”

Not on Saturday night?”

No, it's on Friday. It sort of really stinks because of how it's to be, but this week is going to have to be us having prom and then loading up in the 747 and going to Dallas.”

Do your players like being on their team and being pro?”

The ones who are playing do...I guess, but the ones who chose to opt out are probably wanting to be on the team now since they're seeing the popularity.”

Would they want to be on the show?”

I'd love to have them on the show.”

Well invite them. We'll find a skit or two to get them in. I imagine they'd really find it memorable.”

Ok, but I can't guarantee we won't be knocked around or have black eyes. We are a football team and you're getting us before a pro game. Fortunately, we don't have a game on Friday.”

They might not want to participate on a holiday weekend.”

IF we give them far enough advance notice, they can either decide or turn down the offer. I know I'll still be there.”

I need to think about booking you some hotel rooms.”

That'd be nice. Could you get them for our families? If not, I'll book them. It'd be nice to have Thanksgiving with everyone seeing the Macy's parade and then having a day of shopping in between the rehearsal and then the taping.”

I'll get you some Broadway tickets too. That'd really be nice.”

Let me call Grant and have him seek who will want to do it and who won't.”


I called Grant's number, “Hello?”

It's me.”

How's it going?”

A whole lot to update you on, but I'll tell you later tonight.”

You sound busy.”

Yeah, I'm riding to get lunch with Lorne Michaels. The reason I'm calling is because he's graciously offered for our team to be in the filming of Saturday Night Live the weekend after Thanksgiving. What I need to know is who would want to come up and stay the Tuesday night before and stay until Sunday.”

Man! That's a family holiday!”

Yeah, but we'd get a hotel stay, the experience of watching the Macy's parade, have Thanksgiving up here, have rehearsal, and do the filming. He's also talking about having tickets for a Broadway play.”

I'll put it out there, but I don't know if they'd want to or not. I know I won't be able to make it.”

Ok, but I wanted to extend the offer.”

What else has happened?”

I've got endorsement deals for Stein brewery, General Motors, PepsiCo and their companies, and possibly Nestle.”

How many of Pepsi's companies?”

All of them.”

For one price?”

No, separate contracts. All in all, it's over a billion dollars worth of contracts.”

Don't count your eggs before they hatch.”

That's where you'd be wrong. There are double indemnity clauses in them which state if they cancel the contract, I'm paid double for the remaining years of the contract.”

Have you told Mike?”

Not all of them yet, but I'm signing tomorrow afternoon.”

What's that schedule going to be like?”

I walk around and have film crews following me. We film commercials whenever, wherever, and it's my hope we can put lots of commercials out there before the SNL show so it's well sponsored by those companies which have my commercials running for them.”

What about the other guys?”

Nothing yet except Leno on Wednesday and SNL on that weekend. I'm going to start pushing for them.”

That's a bit self serving, don't you think?”

Thanks, live this life and see if it's been as selfish as you just judged. I'm rolling with the punches and things have been happening. I'm sorry in the middle of it I didn't get you a commercial endorsement deal. I'll stop everything and do that now. Suck a dick, eat shit, and then, gag to death waiting. Ok?”

I hung up.

Man! That was anger showing!”

My coach. He wants commercials and says I'm selfish for not getting everyone else deals. Now I get to have the team told by him I'm not there because I'm out being a selfish asshole.”

But you're not.”

No, but the trust level between he and I isn't built up for him not to immediately judge. He hurts me and then he gets hurt from my success. Because he's hurt, he gets to stomp on my toes.”

Why not cut him out of your life?”

He's my coach. He was my guardian when no one else would step in. Yeah, there was a lot of mental abuse thrown in, but it kept me out of a foster home and it kept my assets with me.”

You made a mistake there. You said there was mental abuse, I'd say it was still happening.”

It's a war where I'm lobbing shells too. Earlier, we fought and I lobbed the shells. He's now lobbing them back.”

It sounds dysfunctional.”

It is, but I'm not being as generous as I apparently should be, I guess. Well, I'll call my lawyer and update him. He's my boyfriend's dad, so he's more supportive and tends to tell Grant he's an asshole.”

Go ahead and call him.”

I dialed and his receptionist answered, “Is Mike available?”

He's on the phone.”

Tell him when he gets off the phone with Grant, I'm on hold. And while you're telling him, you tell him what Grant is upset about is completely argumentative and jealous.”

Hang on a moment.”

She was gone a moment and Lorne smiled. Soon, Mike answered, “Hi Jake.”

Hi. I imagine you've heard I'm a selfish bastard now and don't have commercial endorsement deals for everyone else, but I do have them for me.”

He said you're wanting everyone to drop things and family holidays for you, and want them to help you to solidify your career, but you're not helping them.”

Ok, I guess he's totally his little world. When he's done being right, you tell him he's a jealous cynical asshole who hasn't had time to think about things.

You tell him in less than thirty minutes, I've gotten over a billion dollars worth of endorsement deals and however grand that seems, I'm sorry I just didn't snag everyone else deals also. The phone can only dial one number at a time, but I'll get everyone else deals if it kills me.”

What all have you gotten?”

I have the Stein contract. I spoke with GM and then we called PepsiCo. Pepsi wants me to endorse all their lines. While on the phone with Pepsi, the guy said he'd call Nestle and see if they wanted to give me a contract at the same rate they're getting. If they do, they'll be there tomorrow afternoon so I can read and sign all the contracts.”

You've been busy! I mean, I know you and I just talked it seems and you only had the Stein!”

Well you tell him because not only did that happen, but Lorne Michaels is sitting here and he's made a generous offer of having everyone up for Thanksgiving to attend the Macy's parade and be on Saturday Night Live. He's also throwing in hotel and tickets to a Broadway play.

I called to see if he'd get permission and tell everyone what was happening, but I guess his little green eyed monster was riled and he had to say I was selfish and self serving.”

That's your job!”

Well, I'll start calling and telling everyone else I need endorsements for our team members.”

Let me speak with him. It does sound like he's let his little orgy of control get the better of him. I think he's afraid he can't keep you under his thumb, so he's got to strike you down.”

I'm sorry you're the middle man yet again.”

Don't be sorry. As your attorney, I'm supposed to be there for you and helping you solidify these deals. You're out there working and doing the deals and handing them all to me.”

Well, you know what's happening. When's Rob going to be able to come be with me?”

We've got to speak with you first.”

Ok, I'll find time. I don't know when but I'll find time.”

What's your schedule tomorrow?”

Going through books at the distributorship in the morning, going through endorsement contracts in the afternoon, flying there to practice, and speaking with you guys. Sometime in there, I've got to start filming commercials.”

Your plate is filling up.”

Get me a chinette platter. I'm piling it on like I was at Chris' mom's house at a barbeque. I've mastered how to stack it, now I've got to get through it.”

He laughed, “That's funny!”

They're all really good deals. The Stein deal is going to be several hundred million dollars a year. The Pepsi deal is going to be amazing popularity for the team and will have our guys all out there earning big money.”


Well, the way I see it, I can be on the contract, but they can be there with jerseys, shirts, and autographs selling like a bunch of bandits. We'll have Spring breaks and all that.”

DO you think you could get some of the guys endorsements with the other companies?”

I'll try. That's what I've got so far. The only problem there is I don't know if the other companies will do it with us all being on the same team. If not, I'm sure there are other deals.”

Don't worry about it. I'll see what I can do to help.”

I'm sorry you've got to see this part of things.”'s quite alright.”

He pulled out his phone and dialed a number, “Hi Aaron, I need some endorsement deals for the Angels team. No, it doesn't include Jake. It'll include all the others, but not him.”

He hung up and said, “Well, that's out.”

Who was that?”

Burger King.”

Ok, be sure to let me know who refuses.”

He gave a sort of smirk. I pulled out my phone and dialed Jan. “Hey hon”

Hi! How's it going?”

Good, would you do me a favor and start saving me any Burger King bags which you find. I'll need them for trash in a commercial.”

Ok hon, I don't eat there often.”

I won't be eating there again. They just refused our team an endorsement because I'm not a part of the deal.”

Why not?”

They want me and I'm too busy.”


I'm representing a lot of other companies.”

Call McDonald's. They represent sports stars all the time.”

Ok, get me their number.”

I'll call you back.”

I hung up and said to him, “She's getting me the number for McDonald's.”

You know you don't have a burger contract yet.”

It won't be with Burger King. It's a 'one for all and all for one' thing. I realize I'm out for me right now, but I'm also out for our food court at the stadium.”

Let me call M&M/Mars and Wrigley.”

Ok, that'd be good for them.”

He pulled out his phone and dialed a number. “I need the number for M&M/Mars, Wrigley, Peter Paul, and Hershey's. Get those numbers for their endorsement people when you've got them. Also, if you can get me the number for the endorsement people of Hardee's and Wendy's.”

He hung up and said, “What about the other brewers?”

That'd be fine if they'd let our guys represent them.”

He nodded and said, “I'll call Heilman and Anheuser Busch.”

See about Seagrams and the harder liquors too.”

He smiled, “We're going to have a bare street full of Burger King trash if we're not careful.”

There's always going to be other companies. How about Proctor & Gamble and Scott Paper for Grant. They make toilet paper.”

He laughed, “We could get him a greeting card company like Hallmark. It'd certainly have him knowing how to say he was sorry.”

That's a good idea, but he'd not know how to do it. Call Dodge and Ford also. I don't know if Nissan, Honda, and Toyota would sponsor sports.”

We'll call them all.”

I appreciate this.”

We stopped out in front of the cheesesteak place and went in. We were recognized and I was given a high five by a lot of people. Our lunch was brought and the phone calls came in.

By the end of lunch, we had half eaten cold sandwiches and a lot of endorsement deals. Some weren't as good as mine for money and for duration, but Ford came through wonderfully with all of their divisions including Range Rover.

I looked at Lorne and he looked at me and we smiled, “You know, we've not written down who we've spoken with. I'll be confused totally as to who is on and who isn't.”

I know we've got most everyone.”

I have a good lead on Cambell's soup.”

Good. I've also got Johnson & Johnson interested. We need to see about Cheesebrough Ponds. Did you tell them to bring contracts to Los Angeles on Wednesday night to the Leno show?”

That's in Burbank.”

They'll know, right?”

They'll know.”

Good, let me call Mike and tell him to tell Grant I've got him Scott paper and Hallmark. I also got him an ExLax endorsement.”

He laughed, “HE's going to shoot you!”

Hey, he wanted endorsements, I got him endorsements. He ought to be thankful I've not gotten to Geritol yet.”

I dialed Mike. “Hello?”

You tell Grant I've got him endorsements for Scott Paper, Hallmark, and Ex-Lax.”

He let out a huge laugh, “You didn't!”

Yeah, I did! I'm trying to get the number for Geritol now, but I'm still trying to decide if I want to go with Gerber.

Also, you tell the guys I've got them just about every major company lined up to deliver contracts to whomever will sign. They'll be out at the Leno show on Wednesday night. IF they don't show, you tell them I'll start pulling people off the street to give them the endorsement deals.”

All of them long term?”

No and not all are at the price I got, but we're covering a lot of turf fast.”

Ok, I think they'll all appreciate what you're doing. I'll be sure to tell Grant personally what you got for him.”

Tell him Seagrams will do it if he holds their product. I think it might be good for him since he'll need to take the Ex-Lax with something.”

He laughed, “I can't believe you did that.”

I'm trying. Now, we've not started on the sports apparel, shoes, and clothing lines because I'm not sure what we can and can't do with Dan having us for the jerseys.”

Oh, let me call him. He's really busy, but I'll ask.”


I hung up and Lorne said, “Can we take this with us?”


We left and went into the limo.

There was someone there staring and just glaring at you.”

Probably lost a fortune because he bet against me.”

I don't know. He looked like mafia.”

Oh, I wish you'd shown me. I'd like to meet one of those guys.”


It'd be sort of neat.”

It's inviting trouble.”

Yeah, but it's way better than having a big brother beating up the bullies.”

Most of them are the bullies.”

That's probably so.”

When we got back to the stadium, I asked him, “Do you think NBC would mind terribly if I flew up there to do Letterman in your plane?”

I don't know. Aren't you doing Larry King?”

Yeah, that's in New York too, right?”

Washington D.C.”

Oh man, I'm supposed to do Larry King and Letterman both!”

You'll make it if you have a jet ready. What I'll do is do you the favor of having you a helicopter ready to take off when your jet lands. It'll get you there a lot faster.”

Let me call them. They've got to get this completed fast and me out of there so I can't miss any flights.”

Do you have a jet to take you to New York?”

No, they said they'd fly me there.”

You better call Letterman and tell them you're going to be in Washington DC so they don't fly to Akron.”


I dialed the number and got through eventually. I explained the situation and they told me they'd have the helicopter at ready. They said they'd contact Larry King. At the last moment, they asked if I had a ride to Washington DC. I asked them to hold and asked Lorne. He said he'd fly me there and I told them I'd get there.

At the office, Jan said, “Guys, I've got calls flooding in asking me for our fax number to show you contracts. The fax machine is working, but I don't know what contract is what. It's going non-stop.”

Try to keep them separate. We'll have them out in Los Angeles on Wednesday night, so that's when they'll be signed.

Could you get us apparel, shoes, sports wear, and outer wear manufacturers? I know it's a mess, but Grant turned into asshole and said I was being selfish. I've got him a few choice contracts now and all the rest of them some nice ones.”

You know Grant can be an asshole, right?” she said with a real perturbed look on her face.

Yeah, but we've got him Ex-Lax now so he shouldn't be so full of it.”

Her face looked shocked and then a huge smile spread, “That's so wonderful, I can hardly believe it!”

It was a last minute thing. I thought of it and just knew he was the perfect person to represent them.”

She laughed, “Oh man, I can see that commercial now.”

Well, he asked, and he received. It's the best I could do. Now would you see if Ben Gay will allow him to sponsor their products and sign him up for it?”

She laughed, “Certainly.”

Also, see if some of the big phone companies will sponsor sports stars and get them on board. Rob's not called and done anything today.”

Hon, he's in school.”

I'm beginning to think I'm spending more time on the phone with his dad than is usual.”

He's your lawyer.”

I know, but I miss him.”

When can you see him?”

Tomorrow night. I've got to fly there and have practice and then go to his parents. They want to speak with us before I'll have permission to get him.”


It's the sex talk. I don't get any until they get to give it to us!”

She laughed, “Ummmm, don't they know it's not done the same way as what they do?”

They'll figure it out if I throw him on the table and tell them things just don't fit.”

She laughed, “Oh man, you can be so hilarious.”

Lorne laughed, “I'm thinking of a skit doing that.”

I laughed, “Oh man, you'd be thrown off the air.”

No, it'd be with clothes on, or I should say your tights on.”

I smiled, “Rob probably wouldn't go for it. He'd think it wasn't proper. He's got strong moral convictions.”

His dad's a lawyer. How moral can that be!”

He has a preacher in the family. It's sort of a toss up.”

I bet that's a family reunion where no one talks.”

The preacher recently got jailed.”

There's a skit there. What did he do?”

A double murder.”

Oh man!”

It wasn't pretty at all.”

You saw it?” Jan asked.

I was outside of the house. I was on the phone with the cop as he went into the scene and found the daughter. It wasn't good at all.”

I'm sorry to hear that. Was that the teammate you lost?”


She had a stricken look on her face, “Let's switch subjects. I know this is too uncomfortable for you.”

We're going to get a move on. Tell anyone when they call, I'll be in way later.”

Call me when you're on your way back.”


We went down and got in the limo. Lorne said, “You were closer to the teammate than you're letting on.”

Yeah, we were born on the same day and next door neighbors until my parents were killed. The preacher ordered my parents killed because he and I were three years old and affectionate with each other. We'd just gotten reunited and were having a hard time with wanting to be lovers and me being afraid of what would happen if the dad discovered it when it happened.”

Oh dear.”

He died while writing out a statement about his dad being involved in my parents' deaths. He'd given me his word he'd do it and then got killed trying to do it.”

How depressing.”

It is, but when one door closes, another one opens.”

At the airport, we were hurried into the jet. We taxied out and my phone rang.



Oh hi Grant, yeah, I got it especially for you.”

You know you can be a horse's ass, right?”

Yeah, speaking of that, we're working on Ben Gay for you also.”


Did you hear about all the others we've gotten for the guys? Or, are you dwelling on the ones we got you and being selfish?”

I was told. I'm supposed to be appreciative.”

Your thankfulness is really coming through.”

I'll apologize if you get rid of the Ex-lax.”

No can do, you're making five million in five years doing those commercials. If you don't want it, I'll give it to your dad. I know he'd have a few stories about when he could've handed them to someone when he knew they were full I'm sure they'd be happy to show your picture about then.”

No, don't do me that favor.”

I wanted you to know I thought of you. Now Seagrams said you could work for them, but you've got to hold the products.”

I'll do it. That's when I'll show your picture and tell the story about how I got Ex-Lax.”

I figured you'd need it to take the Ex-Lax since I didn't get you a soft drink endorsement.”

When are you going to be home so I can put my hands around your neck and pat you on the back?”

Tomorrow. I'll be in tomorrow.”


Grant, I do love you. You know that, right?”

Of course. I love you too.”

Just think, I've not gotten anyone to endorse Right Guard yet. IF I got it for you, would you think I thought you stunk?”


Good, I'll work on it.”

You're serious!”

Yeah, you'd be amazed at the variety of things I've got going. When you think about how much money Lorne and I pulled down for our guys in less than three hours, it's just incredible...but then again, I'm a selfish self centered asshole.”

Sarcastic too.”

Yeah, but that side of me only comes out when you're needing an Ex-Lax, so take many and often and we won't have issues.”

Lorne laughed in the background. “I love you you little shit.”

I love you back. I'm on my way to Washington DC because somewhere in things, I thought Larry King was filmed in New York.”

Oh man.”

It's ok. Letterman's people must be used to these things because they sure helped.”

I'm impressed.”

I might speak about how I got all of our guys all the endorsements and how I did you great favors. By the way, you're going to represent Hallmark, so you can send me a Thank you card.”

Did anyone think about FTD?”

Huh, you want the feminine deodorant spray?”

No! FTD, it's flowers.”

Oh, I didn't know they had flavors. I've never used it.”

Dammit! If you get me that fucking spray, I'll kill you!”

Ok, then why'd you ask?”

Is that guy with you?”


Hand him the phone!”

Sure, damn, you're testy.”

I handed Lorne the phone. He listened and let out a huge laugh. “Ok, I'll tell him not to even think about it!”

He handed me the phone and his eyes were so full of laughter he was about to explode.

I'm back.”

Thank you, do you realize you nearly gave me a heart attack!”

I can't help it if you can't make up your mind.”

I'll get off here before I end up endorsing something terrible.”

Ok, do you want the Seagrams?”

I'll need it.”

I'll tell them.”

I hung up and Lorne said, “You're terribly funny. I know there's another skit there.”

He says he needs Seagrams.”

I'd need it too if I was that close to endorsing FDS instead of FTD.”


He laughed, “You just now got it, didn't you?”

I didn't think there was a difference.” I said chuckling. “I'll have a story to tell Larry King.”

He laughed, “Oh man, Grant is going to kill you.”

When we landed at Washington DC, I said, “Do you realize this is the first time I've been here and I can't even sightsee?”

Come in the spring time. It's prettier then.”

Thank you for your time.”

It's been wonderful.”

I got into the waiting limo and said, “I need to go to where Larry King is filmed.”

It's not filmed, it's live.”

Yeah, but don't they film it so they can show reruns?”

I guess they do.”

He took me to the station and I said, “You stick close because I'll need to get to the airport fast. They're going to rush me to New York after we get done here.”

I went in and Larry King was a lot shorter than I thought him to be and a lot funnier. During the show, I told about the endorsements and was sure to give the product names which we'd snagged. As a special thought of Grant, I told the story about the FTD and FDS. Larry laughed until he had tears. He had to go to break.

After the break, he got serious and asked a lot of questions about the team and why I'd fired everyone. I gave all the details and he was very attentive. One alarming note was he said they'd attempted to contact Danoza and got no reply. I hope my face didn't register anything

After the interview, it was hustle hustle hustle to get to the plane, get it up and into the air, and then landed in New York where I got a helicopter ride down to a helipad and rushed to the CBS studios.

It was really upsetting because I'd never flown in a helicopter or been to either Washington DC or New York and there wasn't anyone there to complain to...but, I had to be upbeat and fresh on Letterman.

The interview with Letterman was way cool. We went out back and threw footballs. He bet me I couldn't throw one down and put it into a window of a taxi cab, and I did it. It was the furthest I'd thrown and later, they measured the distance and it came in at five hundred and twelve feet.

As an added measure, I told about all the neat things I'd done and quickly realized I'd messed up when I said I was going to be on Saturday Night Live. He quickly went to commercial and told me SNL was on NBC and I couldn't plug their show on CBS. I apologized, and he really laughed.

Through everything, I emphasized and stressed our team's closeness and bonds. I told over and over about how Chris had taught me how to play and how all the guys were great and how I thought Grant was the best coach on the planet. I figured if Grant couldn't deal with that, then he needed to just forget about bitching.

One thing Letterman thought was hilarious was I asked where the apple tree was located which had the big apples. He said he didn't think there was even an apple tree located in the city, but he'd certainly would have to plant one.

After that segment, I threw t-shirts into the audience and signed autographs. They came back from commercials and showed me throwing them. It was funny because throwing a t-shirt which flies open is way harder than throwing a football.

In the next segment, I told about our game with the Cowboys coming up and how I thought we had a good chance. He asked if I'd have a locker room interview again and I sort of just smiled and said, “Nah, they tend to show the goods. If I'd known that's what they were going to do, I wouldn't've taken off my tights.”

Do you wear tights all the time?”

No, only when I'm playing.”

Why wear tights at all?”

Because them big guys might look all manly, but when you're down underneath them, they grab everything. IF it's not protected, they'll sure make you wish it wasn't attached.”

You mean to tell me they'll do that?”

Yeah, I mean, they do that stuff and they'll pinch and pull stuff just to make sure you're sore. It's not always nice what they do.”

How do you handle getting hit by those big guys?”

I've been fortunate. Most of the time, I can outrun them, so I don't get hit, but when I think I'm going to get hit, I'll get down. Even then, they'll still dive on top of me and try to get weird.”

I heard you're not afraid to say you're gay.”

No, that's no problem. I've got a relationship, and he's great.”

What's his name, do you care to elaborate?”

He's my business partner and my center. He's the guy I reach up under and get the balls.”

Everyone laughed.

Letterman smirked, “So you're out there on the field and you could get fresh.”

Nah, out there on the field, it's all about the game. Off the field, it's different, but Rob's my center because someone else wanted to do that and he got stupid. He was trying to make me feel what he wanted, but I got him off the field fast.”

I'd make him know I could throw more than one ball down the field at a time.”

Yeah, but they might not even want to intercept those.”

That line got a huge laugh.

At the game on Sunday with the Cowboys, you're telling people to watch, are you planning on something special?”

Yeah, I'm going to attempt to throw a pumpkin down the field instead of a football. I'll be dressed as a pumpkin complete with orange tights, so if you want to dress up and watch the game ...that'd be fine.”

The last time I watched football dressed as a pumpkin...well, let's not talk about that...” About then, he said, “I just got told we've got an extra special guest who would like to say 'hello' to you.”

Who's that?”

The spotlight went to the entrance and out walked Madonna. I'm sorry, but I sort of went all nuts. She was very nice and gave me a kiss.

I said, “I think Rob's going to have to kiss something else because I got kissed by Madonna.”

She laughed, “If I were Rob, I think I could find something else to kiss.”

The blush hit my face and she smiled. “He's cute!”

I said, “You know, Rob's going to ask me what I did tonight and I'll tell him and he'll think I'm full of it. Thanks goodness this will be seen back home.”

She smiled and said, “I just wanted you to know you've got fans who are now watching for more than football.”


She went off the stage and Letterman said, “I think she likes you.”

Man, her eyes are more beautiful in person!”

Does it make you want to make the switch?”

Nah, not enough muscles on her legs.”

He laughed, “I deserve that.”

I held up my hand and said, “Look at that, I'm shaking.”

Eighty thousand screaming fans won't get you nervous, but one Madonna will.”

Well yeah, she just said she saw my dick! Who wouldn't get nervous if Madonna said it was cute! I mean cute is a word for something small!!!”

He laughed, “I sure understand! I don't think she meant it that way.”


By this time everyone was laughing. He said, “You know you're really blushing.”

Heck, I come to the city and can't find an apple tree, but I get kissed by Madonna and when asked about how my day has been, I can't say I got to go sightseeing. I guess it was so-so.”

He laughed and said, “There's always tomorrow.”

Tomorrow's another day.”

He laughed and said, “That's another show.”

Everyone laughed again and he thanked me for coming. I told him I'd come any time and asked him to give me a call if someone forgot to show up.

He smiled and said he'd give me a call and see what else we could do.

I left and off the stage, I was handed a piece of paper. I read it and it was Madonna's phone number. “Give me a call when you need something.”

I called the number, “Hello?”

Is this you?”

It's me hon.”

Man, I can't believe this!”

Come to my show sometime.”

Ok, but you gotta come to a football game sometime.”

I'd get mauled by fans.”

No, we'd put you up in a sky box and bring you in the employee entrance.”

Let me see when I'll be in Akron. If you're playing, I'll come.”

Ok, are you going to be in New York on Thanksgiving weekend?”

No, I'm going to France.”

Never been there, but then again, if you have to travel like I do, then you gotta go to places and not see them. This sucks.”

Hon, you need to get a manager who will schedule your time better.”

We're just starting this. After everything today, it's been busy busy busy, but tomorrow is going to be money, money, money.”


Yeah, I sign a billion dollars worth of contracts to endorse stuff.”

Let me get you in with a friend of mine to endorse Nike. They really pay well.”

That'd be nice if all my guys could do it.”

They'd probably let them but the pay is better if you could do it.”

When you stay in Akron, give me a call because I've got a place you could stay which isn't a hotel. It's about to get remodeled because it looks like a porn palace from the seventies right now, but we're going to remodel.”

It really looks like a porn palace?”

Yeah, it was some guy's idea of what it was to be cool in the seventies. His problem is he forgot to redecorate. There's fake fur and all sorts of stuff all over the place.”

Could I do a video there?”

How soon?”

Soon, I've got a video which is needing that sort of atmosphere.”

Then I'll wait to remodel it. You can look at it and see.”

I've got a concert to do there in a couple of weeks.”

Cool, I might come by and see it.”

Give me a call. You've got my number. I'll get you tickets.”

Now I'm sorry I don't have a game at home that weekend. You could come by and watch.”

I might make it by sometime.”

Ok, you've got my number. Feel free to call.”

Sure...and Jake?”


You're like a little brother to me. Don't let them show your dick more than that.”

I didn't let them do it this time, but I'm sure glad they did.”

Always leave a little to the imagination.”

I'm wearing tights. They show the goods without getting all gaggy.”

She laughed, “Do a poster of you in a pair of old blue jeans with no shirt on. It'll draw you in all sorts of fans.”

I'll do that. By the way, when you go to France, go sit on the beach and meditate. When you think about things there, remember me.”


That's all I can say.”

How'd you know I was going to France?”

I can tell people's futures. Now, that's really all I can say without messing up your future.”

So, go to France and sit on the beach and think of you?”

No silly! Go to France and while there, go down to the beach and meditate. You're going to think of a lot of things. One of them is something you realize you want but you won't know anyone who will do it commitment free. When you think of that, you think of me. I'll do it.”

You're not going to tell me anything else?”

I can't. That's the rules of it all.”

Ok, I've got your number, I'll call you.”

It's going to be cold. You picked a good time of year for solitude, but that water is going to be cold. Don't swim in it. You could get cramps and drown.”

Ok, just go and sit on the beach and meditate...”


I'll do that.”

I hung up and called Rob. “Hello?”

Hi hon.”


I just got finished with Letterman.”

I just saw you on Larry King. You were funny! You had everyone laughing.”


You really got all those contracts?”

Yeah, didn't Grant tell you guys?”

He handed us out permission forms to Leno and he handed us permission forms for going to do Saturday Night Live. He said if we don't go to Leno that we're not going to get any contracts for endorsements as most of the lawyers for the companies are going to be there.”


Why'd you arrange it that way?”

It was the soonest I could do it. Besides, most of them have offices out there for their lawyers.”


How was practice?”

Hard. Grant was real hard on everyone.”

How did Jordan do?”

He did really good. He's not you, but he did good. I think if we need him, he'll be good.”

Good, I'm going to let him play quite a bit on Sunday.”


Because I want the world to know I'm not going to be a prima dona star and not allow people I employ to work simply because it'd make me look better.”

Get us ahead and then step back.”

I can't. Sunday's game is going to be tough. They play a lot better defense than what we've played.”

You might want to tell Grant that.”

I will.”

We need to have our offensive line prepared.”

We'll have them prepared. We've already worked against Hannibal's defense, so it's going to be very similar except the guys are bigger.”

I didn't play that game.”

I know. Is Bates going to be playing for the team?”


How about a lot of the guys who weren't wanting to play?”

Grant got them all online to play. I think they all see the rest getting to be stars and them being left behind. Besides, they saw our guys didn't get all beaten up by playing Tampa, so they're not so worried about playing against pros now.”

I'll need to tell them Dallas will be the toughest game we'll play this year. Next week when we play the Colts, it'll be smooth, so they'll find that easy money.” wink wink Ed!

What about Green Bay?”

They don't hit as hard, but they're tough competition. It's nice because playing them is where our team has a realization they're pros and the other guys aren't so tough to play.”

I wish we could get it sooner, than later.”

It really ought to happen this weekend. Maybe I can get Grant to say something during half time. They'd see the Dallas team is tough, but they're still standing and then, he could tell them the guys they're playing are the toughest team we'll play all year.”

How is it going to be won?”

By a lot of hard hard short plays. We'll have break outs, but they're expecting our guys to give and them to rush me and block my passes.”

So we've got to hit hard and hold the line...”

Hold the line, but we've got to get guys open.”

You say we're going to win?”

Yeah, 14 to 7.”

So it's a hard game?”


You don't sound as loud about that as I had thought.”

It's going to be a hard game. We're going to have guys who got that money last week and they're going to think it's easy. Then, you're going to have a lot of new guys who are going to be in there earning every dollar and think it's the hardest money they've ever made. It could be real discouraging.”

DJ is doing really good with his black eye. I think he's the hero of the school, except for you.”

I'm glad they're accepting him in that spot.”

You're not all super excited because of being a school hero?”

I'm a ghost there. After today, I show up to take my tests and that's it. It's work study for me.”

What about Spring semester?”

I'll be there after play offs.”

That'll be good.”

I need to get a hair cut. I want a new style.”

What brought that on?”

Me seeing my hair as styled and looking like an Hawk's head.”

Sounds cool.”

Jagged pointed feathers back and downward.”

When are you going to get it done?”

I couldn't even begin to tell you. Maybe Leno's people would do it.”

You'll be real busy.”

Yeah, but I'd like to have it done before the Leno show.”

How's that going to go?”

We fly out and what I think would be cool is we have sort of a pep rally by playing a scrimmage out on the back lot.”

With pads?”

No, touch football. It'd be neat because Leno could be out there.”

Hang on, Letterman is coming on.”

Oh, well, I'll hang up and let you watch it.”

You sure?”

Give me a call when it's done and tell me what you thought.”


We hung up and the plane taxied up another position.”


Notes From Retta:

This story wouldn't be possible without a good person by the name of Wes. Fortunately, he downloaded it while it was still able to be gotten on the Google Groups site.

For those of you who know, my Google Groups site is shit. Please don't get that confused with “the shit”, but just plain shit.

It seems I can upload a chapter to the site and it will promptly lose the thing. When you go to click on it, you will get an error message which states the page you've navigated to is no longer available. Needless to say, I'm not please because their customer service sucks.

I'd lost the first twenty five chapters of the story, so without Wes having them, I'd be fucked. Thankfully, he had them, so he gets a great BIG HUGE Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

From My Keyboard To Your Heart,


Copyright Notice - Copyright © 2009 by RettaMichaels

The author, RettaMichaels copyrights this story and retains all rights. This work may not be edited, changed, or duplicated in any form, media [ known or unknown ], without the author's expressed permission. All applicable copyright laws apply. RettaMichaels does NOT give editorial consent in order for this to be published. If it is deemed unpublishable in it's context, permission much be granted before publication or changes occur.

Trademark Notice – 2009 by RettaMichaels

From My Keyboard To Your Heart”,”'Retta”,“RettaMichaels”.“Retta”,“Rhett”, and “Rhette” are all Trademark of RettaVonnMichaels L.L.C. None of these trademarks may be used, or authorized without consent.

Disclaimer: All individuals depicted are fictional, and any resemblance to real persons, locations, or incidents is purely coincidental.